uku383 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 You know what, I know when you're putting on an act. I always have, and I hate it. It's not the real you. So how can I ever trust you? You've literally ruined my life.
L1ght Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Once the decision is made to take control of your life, emotions and well being it really doesn't take long to leave the past behind....I guess some people like to linger in the sadness for eternity. Hardly anybody in this group is moving forwards and they keep repeating the same patterns. Move on. Its over. 1
uku383 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Once the decision is made to take control of your life, emotions and well being it really doesn't take long to leave the past behind....I guess some people like to linger in the sadness for eternity. Hardly anybody in this group is moving forwards and they keep repeating the same patterns. Move on. Its over. I find this to be a crude attitude. One point that seems clear throughout these threads is that it takes time to recover from what for many is a very traumatic experience. In some cases people have been together a month or so before a break-up, in others many years. In all cases people are suffering great pain. If it was as simple as deciding to leave the past behind I'm sure that many would be falling over each other to take the magic pill. To say that people "like to linger in the sadness for eternity" is particularly insensitive. People are moving forwards at their own pace. If you're dissatisfied with the rate of individuals' recovery, if they don't meet your standards, then I suggest that you read other threads or hold your tongue. Personally, I've been doing everything that I can to get over my problems, and I'm just starting to see some progress. I don't need someone to take whatever is already the most horrible experience of my life and then belittle my efforts and my feelings. Your comments, even if intended as 'rough love' are unhelpful at best. 2
JDPT Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I'm scared to put any effort into dating even, let alone a relationship. I'm so terrified that I will get played for a fool again after investing so much. I feel like I need to be in control and not put too much in. Maybe the ex had it right and learned that lesson. He certainly was more restrained than me. You know, I still wish him unhappiness. Like true unhappiness in his life. I wish he would end up miserable. It would make me sick to know he found happiness after me because I want him to regret what he did. I feel no guilt for my feelings even though I know they are not beneficial to me. I too find myself having this very objective hate for her. I find myself just wishing her nothing but failure, specially now that she is simultaneously working on so many projects. It's not an intense hate but just a wish that can go either way. I would hate to take a self-righteous approach and I don't wish her the worst simply because of the pain she caused but because I managed to get to know her and realized that she simply puts on a façade for the world when in reality she is someone else, a very miserable persona and perhaps that's what drew us together then. She managed to let me in, to get to know who she truly is during the relationship. By saying that I don't mean to say that she treated me badly, on the contrary, I think I was treated like a king and she a queen but it only takes ONE thing to be permanently stamped on my **** list. And now I view her as my enemy. It's amazing how someone can go from being the most precious thing you can have on this earth to wishing her nothing but the worst. I suppose I'm saying all of this as I'm not having the greatest day. I started off the morning ok, but not certain where I took a wrong turn. I at times picture her walking into the Starbucks I usually frequent. I'm confident to say that the fact of seeing her with someone else wouldn't bother, but would really irritate me would be to see her content and smile. I know all this bitterness is only detrimental to me, just need to ride this one out.
AnyaNova Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Repost because my computer idiotically decided my return key meant not a new space, but that I wanted to send the message, and by the time I was done writing the edit, someone else had already posted. Still hurts. Edit because my idiotic computer decided my pressing return for a space meant I wanted to send the thing. Still hurts, but I am printing up some study materials for a test tomorrow. After they're printed, before I start studying, I am going to definitely give myself some time listening to "Red, Red wine." Or possibly, It's Saturday Night." I don't know why, since I don't drink, these songs seem so comforting when I hurt romantically, but they do. Though I've decided. If I am still hurting badly by spring break, early on in spring break I will get together with a couple friends and allow myself to get smashed. Just one time. Just one night to forget and feel something else for awhile, and my nutritional issues should have a chance to get caught up again before class starts again. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't say this. I know I shouldn't and I hope God forgives me, but it really feels like at this point God had better show me some hope and something concrete in my life. I have pushed through so much physical sickness, and physical and emotional pain and so many things in my life. I am not freaking Job. I am a real human and I think it is about time that I find someone with whom I can truly share my life and I his. I've done the being single thing. I've done the being happy single thing. But putting someone in my life who could be so damn perfect for me and then having that person be someone that I could never ever be with and vice versa. It just feels like one thing too much right now. I almost don't even like today the fact that I feel a little better, because it means that yet again, I'm going to recover and yet again I'll get hurt and the pattern will repeat and I'll just be Job or Sisyphus for the rest of my life. And yes, I am allowing myself (aside from the work that absolutely has to get done) a day of feeling totally bitter and cynical and crappy. Because I know in the long run, one day of this will help. Tomorrow because I have class, because I will see him, I will start the usual healthy regimes and the cognitive behavioral stuff and thought challenges. Today, though, for me, is as much as possible to let myself give into the darkness for just a little bit. I have been through so damn much. 1
JDPT Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Still hurts. I'm right there with you! I'm...how should be label this? uncomfortable perhaps? for lack of a more vulgar term. I fill as if my heart is filled with nothing but hate, almost as if I need to find someone to take it out on, a punching bag, and the most suitable person I can come up with is the ex. However, she is not solely the cause of all this "discomfort" but seeing her nearly as uncomfortable as I'm feeling may just alleviate this current state. And as the song goes "I wouldn't p!ss on fire to put you out!" I think by steering clear of love's way is somewhat beneficial, it would only leave me all alone to deal with more pain. Hey now it's the two of us feeling this way. I've been trying to make the best of it all but lately it's been hitting hard. I know, I know this too shall pass but you would agree that it sucks. I was with a few people and heard a lady said "oh dear, the joy is in the journey..." I laughed so hard it was rather inappropriate. The joy is in the journey huh? well how much longer? LOL Ok I'm done, I highly doubt I'm rendering anything of substance or productive here. I hope you are doing better, once again I'm right here with you. 1
AnyaNova Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I'm right there with you! I'm...how should be label this? uncomfortable perhaps? for lack of a more vulgar term. I fill as if my heart is filled with nothing but hate, almost as if I need to find someone to take it out on, a punching bag, and the most suitable person I can come up with is the ex. However, she is not solely the cause of all this "discomfort" but seeing her nearly as uncomfortable as I'm feeling may just alleviate this current state. And as the song goes "I wouldn't p!ss on fire to put you out!" I think by steering clear of love's way is somewhat beneficial, it would only leave me all alone to deal with more pain. Hey now it's the two of us feeling this way. I've been trying to make the best of it all but lately it's been hitting hard. I know, I know this too shall pass but you would agree that it sucks. I was with a few people and heard a lady said "oh dear, the joy is in the journey..." I laughed so hard it was rather inappropriate. The joy is in the journey huh? well how much longer? LOL Ok I'm done, I highly doubt I'm rendering anything of substance or productive here. I hope you are doing better, once again I'm right here with you. Feel free to use all the vulgarity you need to. You know, when a 2000 pound weight drops on your little toe, sometimes a good **** or **** is the only thing that clearly and truly expresses what you are feeling just then. Have you noticed, the words we choose as vulgar, as expletives for those situations when a ton does drop on said little toe, all have those lovely harsh plosives and fricatives and affricates? I feel like with this last addition a 2000 pound weight has dropped on my psyche when I was just really getting healed. And the worst part about it is, if the dude had just rejected me for the nearest youngest hottest blonde, or hadn't really been sincere (and every change in his behavior makes it so abundantly clear that he had been being), I would be so over it. So fine. But this grand cosmic joke is just too much. I have gotten to the point, where despite myself, I want to be angry and hate. But who can I hate? Who gets to bear the brunt of my anger? My ex who wasn't ever given the tools to be able to really be what he needed to be for us to have a chance and it really isn't his fault? This dude, who both of us only share one stupid fault in not checking on something so basic and instead just assuming? It is nobody's fault here, but what I fear is that the only thing to turn the hate and anger onto is God, and it is getting increasingly difficult not to. But I cannot hate God. He tried to warn me away from all of this but I didn't listen. Myself, perhaps? The joy is the journey? Maybe if your life is "The Lady and the Tramp." Or some such other Disney movie. And frankly, especially if she knew what you had been through and said that, she deserved to be laughed at in that manner. Well, it had to happen at some point. Both members of Team TiBially Deficient or To Be Determined down for the count at the same time. Quoting my brother years ago at about 3:30 in the morning on a family cartrip when we were both children. "No earthly thing has pleasure forever." 1
blacknoir Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I'm going to softball practice in about an hour - she's on the team. I'm on day 8 of NC except for work-related emails. I'm going to enjoy myself - it's a sunny day. My children will be with me - they adore her (they didn't and don't know). They even made something for her...I hope she doesn't think it's from me. I'll tell you how I'm coping after that. Right now, I'm pretty apprehensive.
JDPT Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Feel free to use all the vulgarity you need to. You know, when a 2000 pound weight drops on your little toe, sometimes a good **** or **** is the only thing that clearly and truly expresses what you are feeling just then. Have you noticed, the words we choose as vulgar, as expletives for those situations when a ton does drop on said little toe, all have those lovely harsh plosives and fricatives and affricates? I feel like with this last addition a 2000 pound weight has dropped on my psyche when I was just really getting healed. And the worst part about it is, if the dude had just rejected me for the nearest youngest hottest blonde, or hadn't really been sincere (and every change in his behavior makes it so abundantly clear that he had been being), I would be so over it. So fine. But this grand cosmic joke is just too much. I have gotten to the point, where despite myself, I want to be angry and hate. But who can I hate? Who gets to bear the brunt of my anger? My ex who wasn't ever given the tools to be able to really be what he needed to be for us to have a chance and it really isn't his fault? This dude, who both of us only share one stupid fault in not checking on something so basic and instead just assuming? It is nobody's fault here, but what I fear is that the only thing to turn the hate and anger onto is God, and it is getting increasingly difficult not to. But I cannot hate God. He tried to warn me away from all of this but I didn't listen. Myself, perhaps? The joy is the journey? Maybe if your life is "The Lady and the Tramp." Or some such other Disney movie. And frankly, especially if she knew what you had been through and said that, she deserved to be laughed at in that manner. Well, it had to happen at some point. Both members of Team TiBially Deficient or To Be Determined down for the count at the same time. Quoting my brother years ago at about 3:30 in the morning on a family cartrip when we were both children. "No earthly thing has pleasure forever." I lack religion/spirituality in my life, or maybe I chose to reject it. Interestingly, I used to be religious/spiritual in my younger years but was quickly disappointed when witnessed and experienced the hypocritical approach many religious followers chose to subscribe. I never find myself hating/thanking Gd for the bad/good that occurs in my life. It's nonexistent to me, how can I reach out to something that's not there you now? Anything that occurs in my life, all my accomplishments and failures are essentially a reflection of me, and no one else. So yes I'm very hard on myself when things don't go my way, it's the perfectionist in me. I was laughing so hard when I heard that, "the joy is in the journey" now that I think about it, maybe she was being cynical and I failed to acknowledge her delivery. I continue to detach myself from the world. I diligently build this fortress around me, and being alone for now isn't so bad, it beats getting hurt. The life has been full of pain so where is the glory? I've given up on the glory, you know, there are certain times in life when you just have to accept. I'm vigorously accepting that this is how things are for now and to just suck it up and deal with it. Joy never lasts, sadness never lasts, only the fight that we chose to subscribe to does. And that's just the way the cookie crumbles.
JDPT Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 This song brings terrible memories LOL And yes it appears that I'm caving in tonight. 1
JDPT Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness Like resignation to the end, always the end So when we found that we could not make sense Well you said that we would still be friends But I'll admit that I was glad it was over
AnyaNova Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 This song brings terrible memories LOL And yes it appears that I'm caving in tonight. Oh that song. Don't even get me started. In other news... *curls up in a ball on the floor and defeatedly cries* 1
JDPT Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Oh that song. Don't even get me started. In other news... *curls up in a ball on the floor and defeatedly cries* And in other news, picks up and takes a sip of favorite drink. Yes we are caving in tonight Anya! lol
AnyaNova Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 And in other news, picks up and takes a sip of favorite drink. Yes we are caving in tonight Anya! lol So in my class that I have a test in, we learned that emotional engagement helps promote learning. So as I'm studying the parts of the brain, my particularly evil and sardonic and dark and writes sense of humor is relating all the brain functions to experiences wih the dude. Doesn't seem funny, but it actually is in my own strange way! Crappy experience that nobody could have changed, might as well get some good out of it, right. 1
JDPT Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 So in my class that I have a test in, we learned that emotional engagement helps promote learning. So as I'm studying the parts of the brain, my particularly evil and sardonic and dark and writes sense of humor is relating all the brain functions to experiences wih the dude. Doesn't seem funny, but it actually is in my own strange way! Crappy experience that nobody could have changed, might as well get some good out of it, right. How did this guy manage to reach some sort of core?
AnyaNova Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 How did this guy manage to reach some sort of core? I am trying to figure that out. I mean we both have this one really odd thing that we do that nobody else does. I'm frankly surprised that I ever met anybody else who also does this thing. And I guess this thing was far more of an important part of myself than I realized and I don't know. Part of it too, I think is the whole hope that the handsome "jock" though I can see now total closet nerd would actually fall for the shy nerdy woman. His intelligence? His taste in music? His love of showing off his anatomical knowledge (though he doesn't do that anymore, now, for obvious reasons). I wish I could give you a good answer. I don't know. But seriously, even if he changed his mind and wanted to consider it, extrapolating outwards, I couldn't do that to him. I mean on the slim chance it did work out. When I was 12 he was just born. When I was 24, he was 12. When he's 50, ill be 62. 62, 74. Etc. god I hope he doesn't change his mind (though all behaviors indicate he's pretty firm in his decision) because then I would have to be the strong one and insist absolutely not. I could not condemn him to even the remotest possibility of spending that many fit healthy years taking care of me in my old age. Nope. Not going there. Absolutely won't. No matter how good of a fit it seemed like we could be. I am such an eternal idiot sometimes. One stupid little question asked much earlier in on my part and his whole thing could have been averted. 1
AnyaNova Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 How did this guy manage to reach some sort of core? And about the using it and the associated memories for the test, I think above and beyond my own sardonic humor, it is also probably allowing my brain to multitask. Think through everything it needs to to put things in perspective and also study for test! 1
blacknoir Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I'm going to softball practice in about an hour - she's on the team. I'm on day 8 of NC except for work-related emails. I'm going to enjoy myself - it's a sunny day. My children will be with me - they adore her (they didn't and don't know). They even made something for her...I hope she doesn't think it's from me. I'll tell you how I'm coping after that. Right now, I'm pretty apprehensive. Stupid softball. I couldn't hit the ball worth crap - she was the pitcher, and I was distracted. I maintained NC completely. I pitched when she was up - I concentrated on the catcher, not her. After practice, my daughter ran to catch up with her as she walked out. I caught her glance ever so quickly at me as my daughter gave her the small gift that she had made. I had my sunglasses on. *sigh* I'm coping, but barely. It was hard being near her. I so wanted to talk to her, to tell her how cute she looked in her pony-tail, how much I'm still in love with her, even after she destroyed me. Dammit.
JDPT Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Dammit I see what you mean! The ex is 9 years older than me. We met when I was 26 she was 35. Last NYE, we spent it at an affluent Italian attorney friend of mine. I still recall the first thing she did as the ball dropped, she grabbed my face with both her hands and kissed my lips. Sometimes I wish she wasn't as talented as she was lol. So now I'm 32 and I feel as if I'm in the receiving end. I don't feel so young anymore. I still like the company from older women but I'm at a very odd age. Where I can/can't still say that I love the company from older women but hey, am I considered old already? I don't know. I wasn't afraid to be alone but as one gets older your options are very limited and this is what I'm currently experiencing. I hope this makes sense and hope the drink of my choice isn't getting the best of me. Weird feelings tonight. I don't think of the ex anymore but mostly preoccupied with my future. What am I going to with myself? I can't subscribe to the picket fence ending? that isn't me. I can't do the whole family and grocery shopping thing. I like my freedom and my convertible and my time alone. So where do I stand in life. I suppose I still need to sort that portion of my life out. I am trying to figure that out. I mean we both have this one really odd thing that we do that nobody else does. I'm frankly surprised that I ever met anybody else who also does this thing. And I guess this thing was far more of an important part of myself than I realized and I don't know. Part of it too, I think is the whole hope that the handsome "jock" though I can see now total closet nerd would actually fall for the shy nerdy woman. His intelligence? His taste in music? His love of showing off his anatomical knowledge (though he doesn't do that anymore, now, for obvious reasons). I wish I could give you a good answer. I don't know. But seriously, even if he changed his mind and wanted to consider it, extrapolating outwards, I couldn't do that to him. I mean on the slim chance it did work out. When I was 12 he was just born. When I was 24, he was 12. When he's 50, ill be 62. 62, 74. Etc. god I hope he doesn't change his mind (though all behaviors indicate he's pretty firm in his decision) because then I would have to be the strong one and insist absolutely not. I could not condemn him to even the remotest possibility of spending that many fit healthy years taking care of me in my old age. Nope. Not going there. Absolutely won't. No matter how good of a fit it seemed like we could be. I am such an eternal idiot sometimes. One stupid little question asked much earlier in on my part and his whole thing could have been averted.
AnyaNova Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Dammit I see what you mean! The ex is 9 years older than me. We met when I was 26 she was 35. Last NYE, we spent it at an affluent Italian attorney friend of mine. I still recall the first thing she did as the ball dropped, she grabbed my face with both her hands and kissed my lips. Sometimes I wish she wasn't as talented as she was lol. So now I'm 32 and I feel as if I'm in the receiving end. I don't feel so young anymore. I still like the company from older women but I'm at a very odd age. Where I can/can't still say that I love the company from older women but hey, am I considered old already? I don't know. I wasn't afraid to be alone but as one gets older your options are very limited and this is what I'm currently experiencing. I hope this makes sense and hope the drink of my choice isn't getting the best of me. Weird feelings tonight. I don't think of the ex anymore but mostly preoccupied with my future. What am I going to with myself? I can't subscribe to the picket fence ending? that isn't me. I can't do the whole family and grocery shopping thing. I like my freedom and my convertible and my time alone. So where do I stand in life. I suppose I still need to sort that portion of my life out. Umm. More or less, I guess. I think you are at a point where you aren't sure anymore if you want an older woman, probably feeling more the biological urge as you age for a woman a couple years younger than you are? But also knowing that the older you get your options are definitely much more limited and it is fundamentally harder to get to know people. I suspect, that when you find the right person, the picket fence and the groceries won't seem like such a burden. But then again. I know that I want to share my life with someone, I know that I deeply want that and eventually when the time is right with the right person to be married, but I think I understand what you mean perhaps about the picket fence, because I just, I want my life to mean more than leave it to Beaver! 1
JDPT Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Of course listening to sad Spanish songs and you could only feel it in your heart if you understood the language, too painful. I'll translate a few lines for you... Cupid I just don't get you, Please tell love to not knock on my door anymore, I'm not home, don't come back tomorrow, tell love that he is not welcome in my home and tell him why.... (shedding a few tears....) let's go! LOL So this is when my ex and I got caught....how do I even translate this.... ...and if love loses, I tell you, I will never accept this, because in reality we could never bring two mountain together but you and I made it possible, and I will never lose the hope that this storm will subside, you and I can't be apart, if you aren't with me I will eternally suffer, and if you sleep at night with someone and I have to kiss another I would never accept that... 1
blacknoir Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Found this song very comforting tonight... "Love Me or Not" - DubFX /hugs to all going through hell 2
BC1980 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I am trying to figure that out. I mean we both have this one really odd thing that we do that nobody else does. I'm frankly surprised that I ever met anybody else who also does this thing. And I guess this thing was far more of an important part of myself than I realized and I don't know. Part of it too, I think is the whole hope that the handsome "jock" though I can see now total closet nerd would actually fall for the shy nerdy woman. His intelligence? His taste in music? His love of showing off his anatomical knowledge (though he doesn't do that anymore, now, for obvious reasons). I wish I could give you a good answer. I don't know. But seriously, even if he changed his mind and wanted to consider it, extrapolating outwards, I couldn't do that to him. I mean on the slim chance it did work out. When I was 12 he was just born. When I was 24, he was 12. When he's 50, ill be 62. 62, 74. Etc. god I hope he doesn't change his mind (though all behaviors indicate he's pretty firm in his decision) because then I would have to be the strong one and insist absolutely not. I could not condemn him to even the remotest possibility of spending that many fit healthy years taking care of me in my old age. Nope. Not going there. Absolutely won't. No matter how good of a fit it seemed like we could be. I am such an eternal idiot sometimes. One stupid little question asked much earlier in on my part and his whole thing could have been averted. I've learned not to over-invest in potential. Protect yourself. 2
JDPT Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I've learned not to over-invest in potential. Protect yourself. As a wise man told me "protect your neck..." 2
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