lovebirds Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 My ex is very much into photography, all of our trips have been documented very well, he has thousands of photos. He has some pictures of me from a couple of years ago where I am topless (innocent holiday pictures at the beach in France). Those pictures sometimes pop up into my head. My ex adored my breasts, and I kind of feel like he doesn't have the right to be able to look them up in his photo library on his computer? Not that I imagine that he does that, but still ... Should I ask him to remove the pictures? It might only focus the attention on them and that is not what I want. (I kind of would like to have them myself as well...)
somedude81 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Insomnia every single morning. I'm sick and tired of waking up at 4am every day. I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. She's the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I try to fall asleep. I wish she would reach out to me, but right after she walked out of my apartment that day I knew it would never happen. She would be gone for good. 1
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Insomnia every single morning. I'm sick and tired of waking up at 4am every day. I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. She's the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I try to fall asleep. I wish she would reach out to me, but right after she walked out of my apartment that day I knew it would never happen. She would be gone for good. SAme thing here. I'd trade one of my limbs for a good night's sleep at this point. So tired and stressed out for the past 2 months. With that said, I actually felt like apolgizing to a couple of my good friends yesterday since I feel like I am the debbie downer lately. Aside from my ex gf going crazy, irrational, and eventually leaving; work has been about as stressful as it ever has. Combine those two together, and the last 2 months have not been fun. How am I coping today? I feel like finishing my cup of coffee and then punching a hole in my wall. Seems like a better idea than trying to text the ex. 1
JDPT Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I think once the initial hurt wears off, I'm going to find myself pretty numb for awhile too. My brain is trying to rebel. Trying to tell myself that the place where I met him has lots of handsome dudes running around. Handsome dudes that are getting flirty and touchy (and oddly enough, exactly at the time that the dude I was hoping for starting acting oddly) and I know the longer this deficiency is treated, the more attractive I am becoming. Trying to tell myself. My heart however, right now, is fully in the pain alternating with numbness camp, and right now doesn't seem to want to leave. I have some definite work I have to do tomorrow. I am going to remind myself how well doing stats homework worked for me last semester with Tim. EDIT for too early send: I am sorry that you are still numb. And hope you feel better soon. Is it worth going on a few dates to see if the ice will melt? I mean, if she is a cutie? I'm not certain if this is a numb phase that I've never read of or educated myself on and currently dealing with. It's as if not a lot fazes me or perhaps I intentionally take a cavalier approach to a lot this moment. Perfect example, last night this girl was cute but nothing about her attracted me although she was the mellow type like I am. I recall not too long ago I used to be very outgoing, would effortlessly strike a conversation with anyone but something changed. I hope is just a phase I'm going through and will eventually dissipate just like the rest. 1
JDPT Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Fill my heart with song, let me sing forever more, you are all I long for all I worship and adore, in other words, pleeease be true, in other words, I blah you! 1
BC1980 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 After feeling actually happy again for 2 months, I had a dream about him last night. A nightmare really. In the dream, he was cheating on me and kicking me out of the house. I had tears in my eyes when I woke up, as if I had been crying in the dream. Totally f@cked up today now. 1
BC1980 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 My mother tried to set me up with a woman lol, oh and she was a cutie but I sadly felt nothing. It's as if my heart nowadays is too cold, such a shame. I got set up with a nice guy too. He was cute and like a guy I would date. I couldn't make myself feel anything. 1
JDPT Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I got set up with a nice guy too. He was cute and like a guy I would date. I couldn't make myself feel anything. Weird feeling huh? It's as if there is absolutely nothing but an abyss there. I thought I was the only one feeling this way. I'll like to think it's simply part of the journey. 1
L1ght Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 (edited) Coping fine. New relationships rule my thoughts now. I wake up and feel great because I made the conscious effort/absolute decision to push certain things to the back of my mind and place them in a vault that I have no intention of opening again. The only thing that matters is what's in front of me. Life moves on and so am I. Edited March 1, 2014 by L1ght
AnyaNova Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Posting a task list so I don't just sit here and cry like a moron. 1) Go call friend in other state that I didn't really get a chance to explain what was going on because he was working overtime and had to leave in a few minutes. 2) Get showered and dressed. 3) Go to store. Get some more food. Get myself 1 container of chocolate and 1 container of coffee ice cream. The break-up ritual for that which never was. 4) Clean up around the house. Re-organize room. Clean kitchen. (The good news is, as I regain more energy and recover more from the deficienc(ies) it is getting less messy each week and more is getting cleaned each week so I am hoping in a few weeks it is back up to where it was before this hit so bad--as in really organized and neat). 5) If time and able (though I have to tomorrow no matter how I feel) Read book on the brain, fill in chart, and map of brain. 6) Definite bubble bath. 1
BC1980 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Weird feeling huh? It's as if there is absolutely nothing but an abyss there. I thought I was the only one feeling this way. I'll like to think it's simply part of the journey. Weird feelings for sure. I think my heart is so closed off and petrified that no one would stand a chance even if they were the perfect person. It truly makes me scared to think of someone having that much power again to hurt me. 1
JDPT Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Weird feelings for sure. I think my heart is so closed off and petrified that no one would stand a chance even if they were the perfect person. It truly makes me scared to think of someone having that much power again to hurt me. You nailed it. I feel like my heart is inside the Bellagio vault, good luck to the one trying to get it. I'm personally being so overly cautions to the point that I don't even care to engage. It's such a fine line and I would hate to see me in this exact same predicament again, as you mentioned having someone hold so much power over me. I suppose I excuse this feeling but continuing to tell myself that I'm taking care of what I've neglected for so long which is me. However, I'll eventually need to come out of this shell and play but for now I know I'm not ready. 1
AnyaNova Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 You nailed it. I feel like my heart is inside the Bellagio vault, good luck to the one trying to get it. I'm personally being so overly cautions to the point that I don't even care to engage. It's such a fine line and I would hate to see me in this exact same predicament again, as you mentioned having someone hold so much power over me. I suppose I excuse this feeling but continuing to tell myself that I'm taking care of what I've neglected for so long which is me. However, I'll eventually need to come out of this shell and play but for now I know I'm not ready. I don't know. Given the way I feel know I'm almost tempted to say don't be in a rush to get out of it. I wish I could get back to the numb, it would be so blissful compared to this. I mean, I know, you do to be a healthy person. But it sucks when it ends up like this. I hope it does not for you when you do. But don't do it before you're really ready, and be really really really sure that everything will go well long enough before you do for it to be safe. This is hitting me so much harder than I thought it would because I didn't predict. I have only been truly smash drunk once in my life, it was when I was 26, I believe, and I decided to do it to experience it once. I hated every second of it. It was miserable, I felt awful. But if I could, without risking my nutritional balance and my academics tonight, I would in a second, in a heartbeat without a second thought get completely smashed drunk (and it would be something I would only allow myself once) so I didn't have to feel this for awhile. This is so strange. I don't remember ever wanting to get smashed even through the whole Tim thing. Yeah. Numb. (Sorry JDPT, don't feel obligated to respond, I just need to vent. Feel terrible, I know everybody says that they don't think they'll ever be able to find someone with whom they could share that kind of connection or similarities or shared interests, but in this case it probably is 100 percent true). I am such an idiot. 1
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 What are you responding to? Sorry, nothing in particular. Had a thought and then let it go. I should have just deleted the response.
AnyaNova Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Sorry, nothing in particular. Had a thought and then let it go. I should have just deleted the response. No problem. You cant delete it now anyway. It is there for good. This sucks. As was a common saying when I was in junior high, this blows goats. I wish I'd never met him, because then I'd be blissfully unaware that another person existed who had so much in common with me, without having too much in common with me. But I can't say that I wish I'd never met him, because then I'd be unaware that another person who had so much in common with me, without having too much in common with me existed. Edit for early send: I should probably go check out your story. After you've been here awhile you kind of lose track. I guess for me, even though there wasn't a relationship ever, this is day 1. Whee.
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 No problem. You cant delete it now anyway. It is there for good. This sucks. As was a common saying when I was in junior high, this blows goats. I wish I'd never met him, because then I'd be blissfully unaware that another person existed who had so much in common with me, without having too much in common with me. But I can't say that I wish I'd never met him, because then I'd be unaware that another person who had so much in common with me, without having too much in common with me existed. Edit for early send: I should probably go check out your story. After you've been here awhile you kind of lose track. I guess for me, even though there wasn't a relationship ever, this is day 1. Whee. I was relaying the message to a friend last night that I wish I could go back in time not talk to her the first time I saw her. Everything happened so suddenly that I often ask myself if it was even worth it.
JDPT Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I don't know. Given the way I feel know I'm almost tempted to say don't be in a rush to get out of it. I wish I could get back to the numb, it would be so blissful compared to this. I mean, I know, you do to be a healthy person. But it sucks when it ends up like this. I hope it does not for you when you do. But don't do it before you're really ready, and be really really really sure that everything will go well long enough before you do for it to be safe. This is hitting me so much harder than I thought it would because I didn't predict. I have only been truly smash drunk once in my life, it was when I was 26, I believe, and I decided to do it to experience it once. I hated every second of it. It was miserable, I felt awful. But if I could, without risking my nutritional balance and my academics tonight, I would in a second, in a heartbeat without a second thought get completely smashed drunk (and it would be something I would only allow myself once) so I didn't have to feel this for awhile. This is so strange. I don't remember ever wanting to get smashed even through the whole Tim thing. Yeah. Numb. (Sorry JDPT, don't feel obligated to respond, I just need to vent. Feel terrible, I know everybody says that they don't think they'll ever be able to find someone with whom they could share that kind of connection or similarities or shared interests, but in this case it probably is 100 percent true). I am such an idiot. After dealing with what we've dealt with one can't help but feel needy at times. I've conditioned myself to not need anything from anyone my entire life, almost as a way to cope with feelings and expectations. I understand is not healthy at all for me to numb my feelings, which is what I've been doing for the past few months. At times I like to think that I can do without love for the rest of my life. However, if I subscribe to this statement I would allowing this past experience to define and defeat me rather than growing and learning from it. I suppose this is the aftermath of a broken heart. Self medicating is always an option. I was doing it for the past few days, however, I reached a point where I just can't keep running away. Last night I felt uncomfortable and immediately thought, I just want to get trash and numb my body but I managed to fight it and dealt with the discomfort. If you only keep telling yourself that, that felling will not perpetuate and just like anything you will go back to a more "stable" state you will be ok. I want to have a clear head and make better decisions, for me, for my future. So I'll say it, don't do it, ride this wave just like you have the many others. We are living proof that it does eventually get better, not today or perhaps tomorrow but eventually it does. Be strong and fight the urges, we don't need to cave in. Every single one of these moments is an opportunity for growth. 1
AnyaNova Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 After dealing with what we've dealt with one can't help but feel needy at times. I've conditioned myself to not need anything from anyone my entire life, almost as a way to cope with feelings and expectations. I understand is not healthy at all for me to numb my feelings, which is what I've been doing for the past few months. At times I like to think that I can do without love for the rest of my life. However, if I subscribe to this statement I would allowing this past experience to define and defeat me rather than growing and learning from it. I suppose this is the aftermath of a broken heart. Self medicating is always an option. I was doing it for the past few days, however, I reached a point where I just can't keep running away. Last night I felt uncomfortable and immediately thought, I just want to get trash and numb my body but I managed to fight it and dealt with the discomfort. If you only keep telling yourself that, that felling will not perpetuate and just like anything you will go back to a more "stable" state you will be ok. I want to have a clear head and make better decisions, for me, for my future. So I'll say it, don't do it, ride this wave just like you have the many others. We are living proof that it does eventually get better, not today or perhaps tomorrow but eventually it does. Be strong and fight the urges, we don't need to cave in. Every single one of these moments is an opportunity for growth. Thanks. I had started a long response to this and the computer decided to lose it by deciding I wanted to go to an earlier page when I actually didn't. I'm too disheartened right now to try and retrieve it. It is getting really hard to see the possibility at this point of it getting better. I have had so much thrown at me this year. My friend's death. The severe health/deficiency issues, Tim. And now this. It is getting really difficult to hope. I know in a few days, maybe a week at most, hope will begin to return. No matter how hard I try not to be, I really am an optimistic and adaptable little thing. But right now with the snow and the wind and the cold and me again sitting in a dark room trying to work up the wherewithal to turn on the light and some music (UBB40 anyone? If I can't really do the red wine cure, might as well let the song do it for me) and clean my room and see about dinner, it is just difficult to hope. And thank you for all the replying today. I am such a bad predictor. No. When I began training, I wasn't going to be a walking stereoytype. Not me. Never. I was going to be a lot more intelligent and cool than all those other women. Ha ha. When this crush began, I was going to keep it under control because there was no chance in the 'verse that he might start showing signs of reciprocation (yes, actual behaviors and physically demonstrable behaviors) and I mean, I'd never think that it would be possible so I could have it give me more happiness and hope I wasn't going to get hurt at all. Nope. I'm way too intelligent for that, right? And then, when things went off, of course it was because he was just deciding not, or he wanted a younger, thinner, hotter blonde right and was choosing that over and above the connection and the shared interests, right? Of course. For someone who is supposedly so intelligent I am a lousy predictor of behaviors, including my own. Just saying. I am tired. I think I'm going to eat something and lie down for a bit and see if I can do some cleaning, which should make me feel better. I hope you're having a better time today than I am!
BC1980 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 You nailed it. I feel like my heart is inside the Bellagio vault, good luck to the one trying to get it. I'm personally being so overly cautions to the point that I don't even care to engage. It's such a fine line and I would hate to see me in this exact same predicament again, as you mentioned having someone hold so much power over me. I suppose I excuse this feeling but continuing to tell myself that I'm taking care of what I've neglected for so long which is me. However, I'll eventually need to come out of this shell and play but for now I know I'm not ready. I'm scared to put any effort into dating even, let alone a relationship. I'm so terrified that I will get played for a fool again after investing so much. I feel like I need to be in control and not put too much in. Maybe the ex had it right and learned that lesson. He certainly was more restrained than me. You know, I still wish him unhappiness. Like true unhappiness in his life. I wish he would end up miserable. It would make me sick to know he found happiness after me because I want him to regret what he did. I feel no guilt for my feelings even though I know they are not beneficial to me. 1
uku383 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I want my wife back sooooo much, but it looks like that won't happen. Right now I feel physically exhausted. I just want to collapse. It's been a long and difficult experience. I don't know if I can ever even date anyone else, let alone have a relationship with them. However, I am a person who loves being in a permanent relationship - something I didn't realise until I went though this process. I lost my perspective. I regret that. Now I know that family is the most important thing, certainly more than work. However, I don't feel that I can expose myself to that pain again. So why would I take my wife back if there was a chance? Simply, because I love her, I promised my life to her and it would genuinely be the best thing for our son. Not feeling hugely happy right now, but at least I'm better than I was when this started.
LadyM Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I still love you. I still want you. No matter how much time passes, the feeling stays. I think it's something I am destined to live with for all my days. Kind of like a disease of the heart, incurable, but benign. You are with another woman and I often think of how it is with you and her. Do you treat her better? Are you able to treat her better? The two lines between my eyebrows have softened this year. Last year, the lines were deep and penetrating from crying way too much. The pain is not as urgent now, has begun to dull. I so deeply wish things could have worked out different.
STM206 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Today I found out that my ex was officially out of state, 99% sure that he relocated. It hurt at first but then surprisingly enough I pulled it together, I reminded myself that I knew this was coming, I had heard he was moving so maybe I had time to adjust to it. It's only been 2 months and I've been talking to someone else, but am having to remind myself to try and take it slow. It's true what they say, distracting yourself with someone else really works wonders, but I'm not being stupid and throwing myself into another relationship - but I really like this guy, we've hung out a couple times and have been texting and next time I see him I want to let him know that I do like him, but I don't want to jeopardize a friendship or what could be a potential relationship until I know my head and heart are ready to move in that direction. Cheese and rice... cheese and rice.
BC1980 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I'm just disgusted that a dream about him could dredge up these feelings after 2 months of actual happiness. I could finally see a future again, and I wasn't sad all the time. I was excited about life for a change. How the f@ ck does this clown still have the power to bring me to my knees still. It was just a dream/ nightmare. I just want him to suffer endless pain, and I don't even feel bad about that.
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