How are you coping today?

[ithappenedagain]

For the last couple of days or so, I feel like I've been a wreck. I've followed NC to a T, and I have had some pretty good days, but lately I've been thinking way too much about her. I think I am starting to realize that she isn't coming back, she has moved on, and she is not thinking about me anymore This eats me alive. I know I can't think like that, but it is hard not too.

[Tripz]

Today was going pretty well. Hadn't really thought about her much and certainly didn't dwell on anything more than a few seconds. Got to work, dove into stuff and then my damn mind started running away with itself. Kinda comical, in a way, as I'm sitting here thinking about my work and at the same time all these damn thoughts keep popping up. Like two brains playing tag with each other at my expense. Anyway, I was still fine with these little thoughts until the thought came that she seriously could give a rats azz about me. That friggin hurt! Inspite of HER having the affair, "I" should have been the one to totally cut her out of my life forever, not the other way around. I'm so sick and tired of not being able to look at her with as much contempt as I would some pedophile. Okay, that's a bit extreme, yet why can't I loathe her??? Maybe, I should be pitying her, instead. No one likes to be pitied. I think part of it is that I'm not seeing any level of remorse on her part. No hint of any guilt or even a smidgeon of regret, considering no one knows how this will eventually affect our son. She seems to be bouncing along, playing "New Man in My Life" without a single care, all the while, I'm forced to help pay for her (and his sorry azz). Burns me to no end, yet I can't seem to figure out how to gain ANY control over it. If I fore go payments, sure she'll be in a pickle, but then the courts will slam dunk me. No win there. If I text her how utterly disappointed and disgusted I am with how she's ended up in her life and the choices she's made so inconsiderately...so what. She'll not respond or care. It's frustrating not being able to get any rise out of her. This is going to be a VERY long 4 1/2 years (spousal support).

 

However, I kinda feel better now that I got this off my chest and on here. Back to your regularly scheduled programming....

[AnyaNova]

As long as my vitamin levels stay up, this is going to be fun.

 

I'm pretty sure the dude is used to all kinds of girl-women running after him trying to make him like him.

 

It's just going to be confident predictable business as usual as it was the first time this happened and I'm pretty sure dude's not going to know what hit him.

 

Only difference is, without a clear statement of actual intent, I'm not getting sucked in again at all. I think, though I could be wrong, dude's too nice to consciously recognize it if this is true (and to be able to say definitively, I would need more observation) but I'm pretty sure he gets a nice ego stroking by the push/pull effect.

 

I have better things to do than scaffold his ego. And I certainly don't want a relationship with a dude who needs his ego scaffolded thusly (though I could be completely wrong about this, it is highly possible at this point).

 

Sorry. I'm done playing. Game over. There are several other very cute dudes there, no reason to get overly focused on one anyway. Not without justification (i.e. clear declaration of relational intent which given said ignored text is probably about as likely as it raining David Tenant's where I live for all of us Who fans to have our own. ).

[Weallwalkthelongroad]

Really wanted to call/text today. Read throught he NC guide a few different times to "reset" my way of thinking.

[FrostBlaze]

Been 3 month's now since we broke up, with the one i actually cared about.

Tried hooking up with other girls and flirting or w/e, no success, sure i like some of them but i still think of my ex.

Despite our last argument she still sent me a simple "habby birthday to you" text a few days ago, i didn't expect it.

 

Started missing her badly since that text...little to no progression.

[jameslonn]

not well tonight

 

the realization that it is over for real

 

the weekend coming

[JDPT]

not well tonight

 

the realization that it is over for real

 

the weekend coming

 

Be strong friend, you will get through this.

[AnyaNova]

not well tonight

 

the realization that it is over for real

 

the weekend coming

 

Listen to me. And please, hang on to these words if they help!

 

I remember at about 3:30 in the morning on September 7th (though it felt like September 6th to me, and that's what I call our last day), stumbling in my front door, I don't even know how I got safely home since his place was half an hour-ish away and my face was streaming tears the whole way hone. My friend who had come to visit and was staying with me didn't get it at first. He was asleep when I came in. He thought it had gone well since I'd gotten back so late. It took him awhile to wake up enough to see how much pain I was in. Everybody pretty much (save my mother with the annoyingly accurate intuition regarding anything to do with either of her two children) thought from everything, that we would be getting back together. Including me.

 

I would try to describe the anguish I felt. And though I know we are different people in different situations and the pain was probably different for each of us, the power and magnitude, I am sure are at least comparable. So I know that I don't need to. You are in that right now.

 

That darkness, that bleakness, that anxiety, like you have fallen into a black hole and are being crushed to the point of a singularity and the only thing that could take it away and make it better is your ex. God I know. I have this odd combination of flash bulb memories surrounded by things I don't remember too clearly. I remember copious crying, talking to my friend, writing a message that I posted on a write a letter to your crush/significant other, and sending it to him as an email, because I had only figured out on the way home that I loved him and thought he deserved to know. I won't describe the pain at getting no response from him at all. I won't describe the hell you know it. But I wanted to provide enough that you really know in your gut that I was there!!!

 

So that when I tell you that it actually does get better. That now I rarely think of him. That I think I'd even be okay seeing him in public (though the alien hybrid clone colony helps with that --long story involving realizing he has a bunch of similar look alikes with that similar odd combination of facial structure and eyes and all that really is kind of cute once you get used to it, I jokingly call it the alien hybrid clone colony, but it really has helped because even if I see him, I can't be sure anymore that it is actually him--though the one time I did see him, I really really knew and I'm sure I would again but I like to tell myself, anyway), that I've been through two crushes (one of them longer than other *le sigh*) and getting personal training and looking so much better and feeling so much better that it isn't even funny.

 

I am truly happy now, and my ex gave me the most incredible gift despite all the pain. Because I know now (as long as my vitamin levels stay up like they need to, but that is a long story for another day involving gluten intolerance and absorption issues etc) how to preserve my own happiness and self-confidence no matter what somebody else may feel about me. I may get sad for a little bit if something I hope for doesn't work out (now a major breakup, no matter how emotionally healthy you are, will impact all of those areas, and I am not including myself from that) but I now have the ability to participate healthfully in a relationship in a way I didn't before.

 

I am happy and vital and vibrant even though I still have some difficulties to face as we all do.

 

Know this as deeply in your gut as you know that I suffered too. you will feel better.

 

It will be long, it will be grueling, and difficult. I will not lie to you about that. You probably already know that.

 

But it will be worth it. You are worth it!

Edited February 27, 2014 by AnyaNova

[jameslonn]

thank you both for replying - just seems so impossible right now - imagining the future without her

 

AnyaNova - its being there in that black hole 24/7 now and u are so right the ex can fix it - everybody else i see i just want to hide away from - just the ex i want - a text email visit -

[AnyaNova]

thank you both for replying - just seems so impossible right now - imagining the future without her

 

AnyaNova - its being there in that black hole 24/7 now and u are so right the ex can fix it - everybody else i see i just want to hide away from - just the ex i want - a text email visit -

 

Oh sweetie. I know you think you want your hand on the burner. I know you think you want another hit of heroin. I know you think you want the cigarette or the chocolate cake or whatever addictive substance makes the point best for you.

 

I remember how badly I wanted something. Some contact or breadcrumb. But he really did me a favor in my healing by not providing any.

 

Her complete silence and NC is a gift. You won't be able to see it now. I didn't. I thought it was the worst curse imaginable. But it really isn't. It so isn't.

 

I'm sorry. There is only one way to any happiness, and that is through the pain. you can do it. We have, or are on the path to doing so!

[thefear]

I'm sorry. There is only one way to any happiness, and that is through the pain. you can do it. We have, or are on the path to doing so!

 

Anya, how long did you feel absolutely at a loss and devastated? It's been months and months for me now, I just can't get out of it no matter what I do. Close to giving up and just accepting this state.

[jphcbpa]

"Attract what you expect,

Reflect what you desire,

Become what you respect,

Mirror what you admire."

-Unknown

[blacknoir]

I'm not doing well today.

 

It's day 5 of NC.

 

I glanced at my Android phone 200 times on the car ride in this morning, as I have every morning and every night, waiting and hoping to see a little pink flashing light, which means "you have a text message". I need to delete that stupid app.

 

I work with her. I have to have her on IM. I am reminded of her constantly....CCs on emails, emails directly from her related to work...

 

I saw come onto IM today at 7:38am. I constantly look over at it to see if she's "away". I moved her to the bottom of the list so I wouldn't see her name when I glanced at the group I had her in.

 

I can hear her voice and her laughter, as she's only 2 rows away. I put the headphones in and am blasting the music. Screw the phone if it rings.

 

A Lady Antebellum song came on (damn you, Lady A). I deleted them all off of the music player.

 

I got up for coffee, and saw her golden curly hair, that I loved to run my fingers through, in a friends cube a row over. I walked more quickly to the coffee pot.

 

I can still smell her perfume.

 

I can still taste her lips.

 

I remembered that she ordered three presents for me for V-Day. Two of them arrived and were given to me, but one did not arrive in time. I never got it. I wonder what it was, and if she still has it.

 

I wonder if I'll ever see the USB drive that I let her borrow, with all of the Lady Antebellum albums on it. Damn you, Lady A.

 

I wonder if I'll ever get back the two movies that I brought over last Friday night that we never watched, because we had such an amazing evening out, topped off by passionate love making. She broke up with me on Saturday in the pizza place - I feel used.

 

I wonder if I'll ever feel the same about pizza again.

 

So...yeah. Not so good.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Having a bad week.

 

Been a year since I left our home, hence having flashbacks. Also had silly rows with ex about her fiance starting to give orders to my son. She is now ignoring my e-mails about our son's parents evening.

 

Had enough of all this pain and anger. Saw my GP today and I'm going to be registered to see a therapist to help me to move on. My confidence and self esteem has been shot to bits.

 

Truth is my ex is not worth all this. I know this but my brain can't accept it.

 

Missing my son though. It's also my free weekend, normally the worst...

[JDPT]

Interestingly, earlier today I was looking up tickets for upcoming motorcycle and car road racing events in my neck of the woods. I bumped into an event that "we" were supposed to go to last September. It's a huge AMA motorcycle road racing event. I used to road race hence why I wanted to go. However, since things ended last April/May (can't recall) we never made it. So, today I purchased tickets for the even this year and September and though "oh we were supposed to go to that" and that was the extend of it, the moment lasted for not more than 2 seconds lol.

I felt good, almost like a faded memory that was only triggered by the website where I purchased the ticket. I'm very excited and happy and can't wait for September.

[Never Again]

thank you both for replying - just seems so impossible right now - imagining the future without her

 

AnyaNova - its being there in that black hole 24/7 now and u are so right the ex can fix it - everybody else i see i just want to hide away from - just the ex i want - a text email visit -

 

 

Oh sweetie. I know you think you want your hand on the burner. I know you think you want another hit of heroin. I know you think you want the cigarette or the chocolate cake or whatever addictive substance makes the point best for you.

 

I remember how badly I wanted something. Some contact or breadcrumb. But he really did me a favor in my healing by not providing any.

 

Her complete silence and NC is a gift. You won't be able to see it now. I didn't. I thought it was the worst curse imaginable. But it really isn't. It so isn't.

 

I'm sorry. There is only one way to any happiness, and that is through the pain. you can do it. We have, or are on the path to doing so!

 

jameslonn, I'm quoting Anya's post again because it bears repeating.

 

I wish my ex had been silent after the break, or that I'd known about the value of No Contact back then. Instead I thought that, if I was the happy, kind, caring, attentive guy I'd originally been when she fell for me...she'd fall for me again.

 

Instead, I kept myself in a loop of appearing needy, desperate and stupid.

 

And it hurt. It prolonged the pain of the breakup. It KILLED me.

 

Be happy you're getting silence, and give it back to her if she tries to reach out.

 

Focus on yourself, you deserve to be happy and healed.

[Tripz]

Mornings are still good, then by midday the stresses of trying to raise my business out of the rubble slowly come on. I was really unable to anything business wise from Dec 4th-Jan 18th, as I reeled from the shock of the affair and divorce prospect. So I've slowly moved into an anger phase. I blame her for so much of this, when before, I was taking on most of the guilt. The fact that I could not muster a single "mad" moment in the beginning of this even makes me mad now. This is my week with my son and would normally be so joyful, but since I don't have the ability to have high speed data at my place and he has it at mom's, I realize that it's pretty boring here compared to mom's place. That has me frustrated, trying to come up with alternative things to do besides just let him play xbox all day.

 

So last night, I'm making some spaghetti (of course it isn't like mom made) and I'm pissed about even that. The noodles kept getting stuck together, because I was making other crap and not attending to them correctly. The sauce was a different one than she used to make, but when I bought it, it looked good. It wasn't. I look over into the living room and my son, totally bored, is lying on the floor. I ask him if he's tired or bored and he said "bored". So I nicely ask him to put the clean dishes in the dishwasher away, to which I hear a groan. Then I lost it. I said something about maybe he should live at mom's full time and maybe I'll just see him on an occasional weekend. That is, if he can find the time from playing xbox.

 

Then everything kind of boiled to the surface. All the things that have been making me angry about my ex leaving for another man. A friend of our whole family. The fact that she can't seem to feel the slightest bit of compassion or see how she basically hand grenaded our entire family unit and doesn't even have the decency to look back to see how much damage it's caused. So then I said, "I'm so effing pissed at your mom and what she's done. Ruining everything. Destroying our lives." I instantly regretted it, but even as I felt the words on my lips, I couldn't stop them. My son went to put some plastic cup in the cabinet, it didn't fit right and he just let it drop onto the counter. He walked out of the room, but not before he grabbed some bananas off the counter and threw them on the floor and headed to his bedroom.

 

Of course I followed him and found him face down on his bed. He wasn't exactly crying, but kind of sniffling. He's only known about our divorce since Jan 24, so only a month. His mom moved out on Feb 2nd, so all of this is very fresh still. This whole time though, he's seemed to take it well, all things considered, but I've known, or at least felt, like he's simply internalizing everything. He so far, does not know about the affair part. And that's another thing that pisses me off. Here I am having to "cover" for her sin, with my son, for his own good.

 

Anyway, I immediately told him I was so sorry. That, that was wrong of me to say and I apologized. I then told him I love him so much and that he's my entire world. We both cried or sniffled a bit, then he said, "Dad, you should probably check on the spaghetti". Then he came back into the dining room, we ate, then quietly watched a couple TV shows. He seemed better, but damn...Could I have been more immature? I called my mom this morning and told her about it. She made a good point when she said that my son is seeing his dad hurting, but trying to maintain control and still be a dad. She said he'll probably see you as a real person, with emotions and hurts, like him. She said it might have even been a good thing in the sense that it might open a new door for my son to start communicating his feelings.

 

I feel sick over the whole thing. I've been sitting here at work all day, unmotivated to get anything accomplished as I try to figure out what the hell the next step should be. I wouldn't even call it "unmotivated" as the feeling isn't even that progressive. I'm literally stuck at the moment, spinning my wheels and not gaining any traction with my life. I actually did almost call my ex and tell her to come pick our son up. That I'm simply not equipped to deal with everything AND be a good dad. I friggin hate everything right now and just want to crawl up in a ball and wither away...by the way, I'm 47 years old. What the hell?

 

Things had better start getting better....

Edited February 27, 2014 by Tripz

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Tripz..

 

Don't beat yourself up. Been there. I once broke down in front of my son and he knew I was hurting. So was he. We hugged for what seemed like for ever and that gave me the strength to carry on for him because I realised he needed me and more importantly he loves me. Have not broken down in front of him since.

 

If anything it has made our bond stronger which I know pisses of the ex and her family. Just always be there for him and tell him you love him often.

 

P.S. Your Mom is right!!!

[Tripz]

Thanks, Heartbroken. I needed to hear that. I'm doing my damnedest, but still feel like everything is slowly slipping. I know this isn't true, but sure hard when the light at the end of the tunnel still looks like the sharp end of a pin....

[potestatum]

I have my ups and downs.

 

Today is her birthday and I am thinking of her. We are NC for a while (10 days).

Should I send one message saying Happy Birthday?

I don’t know. I don’t want her to believe I forgot about it.

I don’t want to be rude.

However, I don’t want to go back to square one and ruin what i did till now, if I do this.

 

Please help!! I don’t know what to do!

[Real36]

I'm feeling pretty good right now. It's been about 8 mos. since the break up and we've never really been NC. I had a rough couple of days in January when he moved out of state but now it seems like my life is falling into place. I'm on the track I've been working toward in my professional and personal life and actually quite happy right now. The ex text last night. He finally found a job and it is what he has been looking for since the move. I genuinely felt happy for him and we had a good conversation. I sincerely hope that things work out for him and wish him the best of luck.

 

Anyone who is going through the sh*t storm that is a break up please know that it does get better!

[AnyaNova]

Hurting tonight.

 

Much more than expected.

 

I always do this. I always bloody do this.

 

I emotionally prepare myself for several scenarios, all possible outcomes that I can predict. But then there is a huge gaping hole and one big red sign outcome that I should have foreseen that blindsides me. That I am not prepared for. And it floors me. And because I could not foresee it and deal with it in advance, I am left hurting.

 

That thing that I hoped for, I mean it was clear last week that it probably wasn't to be, but I didn't realize why, and I didn't realize something else. I failed to anticipate the possibility that he might have really wanted something too, but that some other factor that neither of us quite foresaw or knew would get in the way.

 

And that blindsided me completely.

 

Yeah, hurting. And cold. And lonely. And missing cuddles.

[JDPT]

My mother tried to set me up with a woman lol, oh and she was a cutie but I sadly felt nothing. It's as if my heart nowadays is too cold, such a shame.

[AnyaNova]

My mother tried to set me up with a woman lol, oh and she was a cutie but I sadly felt nothing. It's as if my heart nowadays is too cold, such a shame.

 

I think once the initial hurt wears off, I'm going to find myself pretty numb for awhile too.

 

My brain is trying to rebel. Trying to tell myself that the place where I met him has lots of handsome dudes running around. Handsome dudes that are getting flirty and touchy (and oddly enough, exactly at the time that the dude I was hoping for starting acting oddly) and I know the longer this deficiency is treated, the more attractive I am becoming. Trying to tell myself.

 

My heart however, right now, is fully in the pain alternating with numbness camp, and right now doesn't seem to want to leave.

 

I have some definite work I have to do tomorrow. I am going to remind myself how well doing stats homework worked for me last semester with Tim.

 

EDIT for too early send: I am sorry that you are still numb. And hope you feel better soon. Is it worth going on a few dates to see if the ice will melt? I mean, if she is a cutie?

[nohardfelines]

So much more painful than I was afraid it would be.

 

Are you regretting this as much as I am?

 

Are you thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about you?

 

I want this to be easy for our children, and honestly I want this to be easy for you, too. I don't want you to hurt and, at the same time, I still hope that you're hurting as much as I am.

 

Sleep comes so hard, now. I can hear you moving around above me and its all I can do not to launch myself upstairs and beg you to try again.

 

I don't. You're the one who ended it, and I agreed that it was for the best. I'm not going back on that.

 

But I would cave in a split second if you said the words.

 

I didn't know there was this much pain in the world.