lakerman34 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 2 steps forward today! I'm doing EVEN BETTER. Focusing even harder on this job search, have a girl that I'm texting and is VERY interested (I was telling her I love juicy peaches, she was telling me she loves large bananas -- hope you get the references), and starting to knock her down that pedestal that I had her on. Sure, she has some amazing qualities -- qualities that I don't know of a single girl that has them. BUT, she's JUST a girl. I know she has lied to me, but I kept my mouth shut. She is rather arrogant and full of herself, but I didn't ever hold that against her. In bed, I'd probably rock her world but, based off that time we ALMOST had sex, I don't think she'd be that impressive. Nice ass, perfect hair, and amazing eyes coupled with a beautiful brain are AMAZING qualities, but I'm sure there are other girls out there that have them too. There are about 3.5BILLION girls in the world, why should I be fussing over 1? That just seems like a waste of my life.... Moving on! I'm going to guess that 10 days from now, she'll just be a girl that I hooked up with once.
STM206 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I find that the beginning of the days are the worse. I start off feeling down, sometimes even cry at times, but by the time night comes... I'm usually indifferent. Right now I'm working on breaking NC (haven't contacted him but I still check his facebook even though I can't see any of his new updates since were not friends anymore) I keep trying to think to myself why I still care so much. He was my first serious relationship, and he was an amazing partner for what it was, thoughtful, have me gifts, we spent most of our time together. The hardest thing to accept is that he isn't who I knew. His life is on a trajectory to another state, he'll meet new people, have a great job and I hate to think that he'll forget all about me. We used to text every morning before work to tell each other we loved each other and couldn't wait to see each other when we got home. Now my phone only buzzes here and there, when it used to buzz all the time! The only thing I can do is try and keep moving forward, whatever that means. My friends invited me to go dancing this Saturday. Deep inside I don't feel like it, but I'm forcing myself to go. It's been almost 2 months since the breakup... I have to do something that'll get my mind off of him, even if it's an alcohol induced night on the town. I'm trying to remain positive, trying to value myself a little more and hold out hope for the future. I try and believe in "fate" and that if it's him or someone else I'm meant to be with, it'll happen. 1
JDPT Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Coping fairly well today, enjoying the gloomy and eerie weather in my neck of the woods. 1
Isadora Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I'm coping ok, my friends have been so supportive, none of them can believe that he cheated, which makes me feel easier that it's not just me who couldn't imagine hime ever cheating on me. I was silly and looked back at old photos, but it helped to re-afirm to me that he's not the same person I fell in love with. Feeling more nostalgically sad then desperately wanting him back like the last time. I'm struggling to go NC though, I don't want him out my life completely. I don't know why, last time I needed to go NC because the posts I saw would upset me. Now I want to know what they say. I'm hoping soon I might have the courage to make a final decision to cut him out entirely or keep him as a friend... Even after all he did.
Nicki73562 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 was doing good and now I am back to sad feelings
AnyaNova Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Locked my keys in my car. Missed my personal training appointment because of it. I think I'll go in tomorrow and do a workout on my own. It would just feel weird to go and do one on my own when we should have had one today. But, on the other hand, the night is open for possibilities. My friends are respectively sick, living with the sick and therefore probably contagious, or too tired because they just switched shifts and are operating on about four hours of sleep. I haven't decided if I'm going to try to go out on my own again, or just stay home, clean and organize more so my apartment looks really really good, or what. I know! Little cleaning. More than a little guitar work. Relax with some Asoka or Monsoon Wedding, something that doesn't require too much brain power and is reasonably fun. 2
RightThere Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Not doing so well. Keep getting drawn back in, then pushed away, then drawn back in, then pushed away. I feel like I know what I want, but I am OK with either outcome. But this is definitely limbo and I am not doing well with it.
AnyaNova Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Not doing so well. Keep getting drawn back in, then pushed away, then drawn back in, then pushed away. I feel like I know what I want, but I am OK with either outcome. But this is definitely limbo and I am not doing well with it. Please don't let yourself be!!!! 2
JDPT Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Not doing so well. Keep getting drawn back in, then pushed away, then drawn back in, then pushed away. I feel like I know what I want, but I am OK with either outcome. But this is definitely limbo and I am not doing well with it. Just ride this wave, ride it out. 1
Isadora Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Tonight is particularly bad, I want to be back with him. But I know that there's nothing I can do to forgive what he did to me. The relationship would be broken. I know I deserve better than him, but it's like an addiction, and I have to ween myself off. At the moment I still don't think I'll ever find anyone else, even though I know it's a ridiculous statement. And I think I'm just a little scared to feel alone.
Mondmellonw Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Today has been one great day too. Good thoughts come to mind now.
lakerman34 Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I am doing well, but some things have happened that make me a little upset. First, tonight is the "senior dance" at my college. I fear that she is going to an old fling and hook up with him. Bleh. The guy she had the longest "fling" with a couple of years ago is recently single. I'm almost certain he'll be looking for her. Second, she posted this stupid little picture she drew on Twitter a couple of days after our "date." It was a snake with a ring and it said "Every "iss" begins with "H." I thought it was cute, so I Favorited it. Only person that Favorited it. She deleted it today. She Favorited a tweet from a mutual friend that said something like, "so, wait....am I obligated to make out with the same guy I did from the freshman dance?" That guy is the same guy she used to fling with. Maybe I'm making a whole lot about nothing (probably am), but perhaps she is sending me a message? Whatever. I'm ready for her to put her in the history books for good. Going to hang out with another girl RIGHT NOW
AnyaNova Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Put on a nice outfit and some rather painful heels and took myself out for a movie on impulse. It was kind of fun. And with enough B vitamins going on, I had absolutely no "oh, I'm out by myself" self-consciousness. It was nice. Got a kitty in my lap. Really want to order pizza. Really really want to order pizza. Really really shouldn't. Probably won't. You know, world. I really think I'm ready. I am to that point again where I am happy on my own. Where someone new would only add to my happiness. If I am honest, there is one that I would particularly like. However, I am open. And I will not be destroyed if he doesn't choose to do anything with it. Because somewhere out there is someone who would want someone like me enough to do something about it. It would be nice if that were soon. But tonight proves it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I am emotionally ready. Not just to date, but when the time is right, for a relationship. 3
JDPT Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Put on a nice outfit and some rather painful heels and took myself out for a movie on impulse. It was kind of fun. And with enough B vitamins going on, I had absolutely no "oh, I'm out by myself" self-consciousness. It was nice. Got a kitty in my lap. Really want to order pizza. Really really want to order pizza. Really really shouldn't. Probably won't. You know, world. I really think I'm ready. I am to that point again where I am happy on my own. Where someone new would only add to my happiness. If I am honest, there is one that I would particularly like. However, I am open. And I will not be destroyed if he doesn't choose to do anything with it. Because somewhere out there is someone who would want someone like me enough to do something about it. It would be nice if that were soon. But tonight proves it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I am emotionally ready. Not just to date, but when the time is right, for a relationship. I love going to the movies by myself, specially those early morning show in the weekend. You just can't beat that. 1
JDPT Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Oh and for some crazy reason I thought of pizza as well. But I'll settle for my 16oz. water bottle. 1
uku383 Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I just had my son over for the morning, which was awesome, then my wife came to collect him and have lunch. I also found out that I've missed out on another job. It's a real pity as it would have been perfect - only five minutes up the road. Now the most likely option is a 2 hour plus commute, if I can find something. I've thought about starting a business, but it's such a risk. I'd like to start a bike shop but they're closing down all over the place. Nothing else comes to mind - I'm too specialised with government, and there's nothing around here for someone like me. My wife made the point today that I wouldn't have enough money to start a business after the divorce. That sucks. Nice way to remind me that you've left me. I'm putting all of this effort in to get better and I'm getting nada back. No prospect of reconciliation. I pray that there will be a chance, but she's so determined. I've seen her like this before. There's just no changing her mind. If only we could spend some romantic time together. If only we could have a chance.
Dazedandconfused_1 Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Dreamed with him last night. I never dreamed with him when we were together. The dream seemed so real and even though he's a lying sack of u know what, deep inside I wish that dream was true. I can't believe I miss him. I want to text him so bad. It's been two weeks of NC.
lakerman34 Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Last night was a little rough. She went to what a dance that is like Senior Prom for college seniors. I imagined her hooking up with a guy (even though she isn't the hookup type). I started reasoning why she would: ALL of her friends have boyfriends, there will be single guys looking for the single girls, and I'M SURE she danced with one of her past "flings" (which, for whatever reason, this girl calls "romantic relationships"). But then I had an epiphany. If I did get in a relationship with this girl, I'd be putting shackles around my wrists again. I'd have to, essentially, follow wherever she wants to land after college, being a "free bird" there will be PLENTY of nights where she is out with friends (though I think she only practices fidelity, for some reason, I can't get myself to trust her), and she really isn't as unique as I thought she was. She wants to win an Emmy. I think I could motivate her to do so. Otherwise I just don't think it's happening. I know far better writers than she that have tried to get stuff published in big time publications and have failed. I was thinking that the fact that she didn't give me a romantic chance was because of ME, but I realize now that it is HER. She doesn't REALLY know what romance is. The romance that she knows is the Hollywood romance. She thinks that's the type of romance that people get. Well, it's not. I'm done with her. I'm doing OK today. If I never see her again, so be it. She is really cool though. I would love to be her friend, but if I did that, I would get retaken by the same cycle I've been in for 14 months (this talking, she rejecting me, she reeling me back in, she making it seem like she's interested in me, she talking to me, rejecting me, then reeling me back in). If she calls me to take her to bed, that's pretty much the only situation I'd accept her.
JDPT Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Going fairly well so far, paving a better future as usual.
lakerman34 Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 AND I'm fairly certain she's seeing someone. Mixed feelings. On one hand, it sucks that she is seeing someone. On the other, it's sort of a sigh of relief because she never told me she was seeing someone. Now I know I can't trust her and makes moving on that much easier.
JDPT Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I am free. I am really, really free. *puts hand on head* You are healed!!!! lol 1
Mondmellonw Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I need to get on this mood..... James Brown I feel good - YouTube
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