iouaname Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Doing pretty well today. I've had contact with the mutual friends but it doesn't set me back at all. In fact, I still like keeping in touch with them. I've been complete NC with my ex still, which is really all that matters. I've attempted NC before, but this is the first time I've ever felt truly ready for it. I don't want or need to contact him, and I don't struggle to fight temptations when it comes to checking up on him.
JDPT Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Listening to sad romantic songs all day today, no clue why. Trying to enjoy 1
JDPT Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Listening to a song in a different language, allow me to translate. "I will laugh, I will enjoy, live my life la la la la...sometimes we need rain to wash our wounds, sometimes just a drop can be enough, and why cry, why!? for what!? if a loss hurts but you'll forget, and why suffer, for what? if it's life, and you must learn to live it!!!!!" Wish I was with a girl to dance away to this song lol 1
JDPT Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Another one.... "you turned out to be my religion, such sweet feeling, I don't regret a thing, for love I gave myself to you, let's allow the moments to live on your lips and body, honey...it was worth it, whatever I had to do to be with you, you were a blessing, the hours and days with you...." It probably makes a bit more sense in Spanish lol I must stop How are you Anya?
AnyaNova Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Another one.... "you turned out to be my religion, such sweet feeling, I don't regret a thing, for love I gave myself to you, let's allow the moments to live on your lips and body, honey...it was worth it, whatever I had to do to be with you, you were a blessing, the hours and days with you...." It probably makes a bit more sense in Spanish lol I must stop How are you Anya? So all of these are in Spanish? Who is the artist? What are their titles I must admit to having a preference for music in other languages. My favorite songs to sing all are. Me and the GQR? RGQ? are going to be having frequent meetings. Disinhibition takes time. I was able to go out farther than I had before, but still can't both fully extend and lower myself all the way down. So because I can't do a full real even one, right now it will feature on my Wednesday workouts (the ones where I lift, but without my trainer) in two of my sets of exercises, and my focus will just be on increasing until I can fully extend my glutes and quads, and increase how far down I can go. It was good facing it on my own. I've got to continue working on this. I need a little more warrior spirit in me, though I don't want to lose the gentleness or the love that I have either. And some who know me would claim that I'm a total princess, but I would really tend to disagree on that. How are you tonight, other than listening to sad songs? I'm digging some Ragheb Alama right now. :-) 1
JDPT Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 So all of these are in Spanish? Who is the artist? What are their titles I must admit to having a preference for music in other languages. My favorite songs to sing all are. Me and the GQR? RGQ? are going to be having frequent meetings. Disinhibition takes time. I was able to go out farther than I had before, but still can't both fully extend and lower myself all the way down. So because I can't do a full real even one, right now it will feature on my Wednesday workouts (the ones where I lift, but without my trainer) in two of my sets of exercises, and my focus will just be on increasing until I can fully extend my glutes and quads, and increase how far down I can go. It was good facing it on my own. I've got to continue working on this. I need a little more warrior spirit in me, though I don't want to lose the gentleness or the love that I have either. And some who know me would claim that I'm a total princess, but I would really tend to disagree on that. How are you tonight, other than listening to sad songs? I'm digging some Ragheb Alama right now. :-) Yep they are in Spanish and the artist is Marc Anthony. I have not head those songs since I was in high school. I completely forgot how much I enjoyed these songs, but if carried away in them you can certainly find yourself facing a bridge in the middle of the night. lol. I'm happy to hear you are giving it your all at the gym, you are certainly committed to your workouts. I can't wait to exert some of this build up energy I have in me, for now I'll settle for my sauna sessions twice daily. I had a follow up MRI this morning, I'll like to think I made improvement but we'll see once I meet with the Doc next week. Squads is an awesome compound exercise, it all boils down to form, I'm certain your trainer has shown you proper form. I'm trying to wean off the sad song and dipping more into this. enjoy 1
AnyaNova Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Yep they are in Spanish and the artist is Marc Anthony. I have not head those songs since I was in high school. I completely forgot how much I enjoyed these songs, but if carried away in them you can certainly find yourself facing a bridge in the middle of the night. lol. I'm happy to hear you are giving it your all at the gym, you are certainly committed to your workouts. I can't wait to exert some of this build up energy I have in me, for now I'll settle for my sauna sessions twice daily. I had a follow up MRI this morning, I'll like to think I made improvement but we'll see once I meet with the Doc next week. Squads is an awesome compound exercise, it all boils down to form, I'm certain your trainer has shown you proper form. I'm trying to wean off the sad song and dipping more into this. enjoy I hope you have made improvement! So the exercise itself is called Squads? I am very sure that it is an awesome exercise. I hope to be able to actually do it very soon. And yes, my trainer's form is very perfect and proper. In all ways. I will check out both videos while I wait for office to load so I can do my large assignment for tonight. This is taking forever, I'm going to be up forever. :-( 1
JDPT Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I hope you have made improvement! So the exercise itself is called Squads? I am very sure that it is an awesome exercise. I hope to be able to actually do it very soon. And yes, my trainer's form is very perfect and proper. In all ways. I will check out both videos while I wait for office to load so I can do my large assignment for tonight. This is taking forever, I'm going to be up forever. :-( Yes indeed, squad or leg presses same concept. Works your gluts, hams, quads, calfs. It's a great fat burning and muscle toning compound exercise for both men and women. Push with heels and keep your butt out, there isn't really a better way to explain it. I miss to all nighters doing assignments for school. What's it about? Just finished my sauna session and feel much better. I really don't want to jinx it but I do feel stronger. I'm in no way pushing myself, I'll wait until fully healed to as they say, bust it out!
AnyaNova Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Get up!!!! Enjoy Thank you so much for this! This was in a weird way exactly what I needed (maybe a little bit more geared for men, though). Before I got sick with the vitamin deficiency (which, I really know now was the main driver behind my inability to deal with my friend's death--as the mood symptoms love to mask themselves as perfectly relating to some element of life) I could turn in anything and as long as I'd put a tiny bit of thought in and spent long enough to type it up, I got great grades. With my deficiency treated now, I am the same student. But they don't see that. I am the same student that got really sick my first semester here and STILL managed to pull a 3.8. I am still the student that they deemed worthy to grant a shot to. (I still get great grades in my other classes, I am speaking in my department at the moment.) But you wouldn't know it by their responses. All I can do, is continue to treat their responses to me with soft, measured and well-thought out responses. Do the best work I can with what I have and live it. But thank you! No reference definitely to anyone that I work with in my department, just a general statement of life, but... Nolite te bastardes carborundorum! 1
AnyaNova Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Oops. Apparently my memory messed up. Its not a glute quad raise, its a glute ham raise. *blushes profusely*
uku383 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I'm feeling strange. I feel as though my arms are filled with poison. This isn't the best thing. I think that it's a sense of dread about my future. Strangely, last night I actually felt okay. I felt as though everything would sort itself out. I felt that we would get back together (well, that's what I interpret everything being sorted out as meaning). I spoke with my wife today about our son. She had a familiar way of speaking to me that made me feel as though we were together. I don't like the hope that causes, because I know it's an illusion. Oh why couldn't we make it work? Oh why did it get to this point? Oh why won't she give me a chance? Beautiful, I miss you and want to hold you. I want to show you the affection that I held from you. I want us to be kind to one another and not automatically see threats where there are none. We've been a great couple. Let's be that couple again. Please.
JDPT Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Oops. Apparently my memory messed up. Its not a glute quad raise, its a glute ham raise. *blushes profusely* So it's the machine where you lay on your stomach and curl with your gluts and hams. I always get a kick out of men gawking, I say to myself "so I guess you guys have never see it huh?" LoL The gym has really morphed into that.
JDPT Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Thank you so much for this! This was in a weird way exactly what I needed (maybe a little bit more geared for men, though). Before I got sick with the vitamin deficiency (which, I really know now was the main driver behind my inability to deal with my friend's death--as the mood symptoms love to mask themselves as perfectly relating to some element of life) I could turn in anything and as long as I'd put a tiny bit of thought in and spent long enough to type it up, I got great grades. With my deficiency treated now, I am the same student. But they don't see that. I am the same student that got really sick my first semester here and STILL managed to pull a 3.8. I am still the student that they deemed worthy to grant a shot to. (I still get great grades in my other classes, I am speaking in my department at the moment.) But you wouldn't know it by their responses. All I can do, is continue to treat their responses to me with soft, measured and well-thought out responses. Do the best work I can with what I have and live it. But thank you! No reference definitely to anyone that I work with in my department, just a general statement of life, but... Nolite te bastardes carborundorum! I'm glad you likes it although it was taylored more towards men. And yes you can do anything you set your mind to. You are thriving and propelling forward day in and day out.
freebird31 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) Well, today. I pretty much bawled my eyes out. just been feeling frsutrated lately. Hell, this entire 10 months has been pretty lame. I went from being the happiest I was those eight months to feeling the crappiest Ive ever felt these last ten months. anyway, im grateful things have gotten better. But i wont lie. this last year has been rough. really really rough . ive been feeling frustrated. and i let small things really get to me. and i just exploded today. and everything I have been feeling came out. i just felt the pain in my chest again, of missing my ex. of hating how things ended. of wishing that it did not end so horribly. i hate that theres no peace between us. i have a lot of aloooot of anger inside of me. and sometimes it jsut likes to come out and play. and idk. i cant believe its been ten months. I remember when my ex first broke it off with me. I remember thinking to myself that I was going to be just fine. That it was nothing. And i wasnt lying to myself either, i really didnt realize what a loss it was to me. 10 months later, still not over him. In fact, this time apart has only showed me how much i really liked the guy. a lot. gosh dammnit, i really was crazy for him. i never would have imagined it would take me 10 months to get over someone. and here i am. still not over it. sometimes, id wish he just move on and post a picture of him happy with someone else. u know. something to push me to move on. actually, i dont really wish that. not at all. i just wish. actually, i dont know what i wish for. sometimes i am so lost with what i truly want sometimes, i dont know what i want. i obviously want my ex back. who doesnt on this forum? but damn it, its not the right time. if he came back tomorrow, id take him back. but damn i jut need some more time to figure myself out. idk. who knows what is going to happen...ive asked for signs. but i havent recieved any.. or maybe im just blind to them. maybe the real sign is to be patient and wait for what God has in store for me. maybe i am not supposed to get some sort of hint or sign as to what is coming my way. maybe i need to be patient. its just funny how last year i was so happy. and this year, im in a completely different situation. its crazy how things change. i always thanked god for what i had when i was with my ex. and i was truly appreciative of the time i had with my ex when i was with him. and im glad for that. im glad i never took him for granted. im glad i gave him my whole heart and im glad he wont have any bad memories of me at the least... Edited February 20, 2014 by freebird31
Hoaks Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I feel so down right now. Really really low and defeated. I have never been called the things my ex said to me today by text . We had agreed to take a little time, still text every now and then, but not talk for around 2 weeks. She told me if it wasn't with me, she wouldn't be ready for another relationship for 6 months or so. I agreed to all this but found her dating profile back up, with her saying she just got out of a relationship and is now single. I was so angry when I saw it, I couldn't help myself and texted her that she lied to me again, and she's lost me for good and how can she move on so quick. She blew up back at me with things I never thought I would hear from her, putting me down sexually and calling me scum and all sorts of bad stuff. She called me after awhile and asked what I was thinking. I said well you have taken my self esteem to a new low. She said well now u know what it feels like, it hurts to get texts like that. But I never attacked her so personally like that. Then she said call me later if u want. What for though? No point, I finally got out of her what she really thinks. So it hurts, I should have just stuck to my guns when I told her we can't have contact so I can get over her. I shouldn't have replied to her. I will never learn. Only more pain can come from continued contact. She just wants me to still be there for her when she's lonely at night. Breakups suck so bad
AnyaNova Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I feel so down right now. Really really low and defeated. I have never been called the things my ex said to me today by text . We had agreed to take a little time, still text every now and then, but not talk for around 2 weeks. She told me if it wasn't with me, she wouldn't be ready for another relationship for 6 months or so. I agreed to all this but found her dating profile back up, with her saying she just got out of a relationship and is now single. I was so angry when I saw it, I couldn't help myself and texted her that she lied to me again, and she's lost me for good and how can she move on so quick. She blew up back at me with things I never thought I would hear from her, putting me down sexually and calling me scum and all sorts of bad stuff. She called me after awhile and asked what I was thinking. I said well you have taken my self esteem to a new low. She said well now u know what it feels like, it hurts to get texts like that. But I never attacked her so personally like that. Then she said call me later if u want. What for though? No point, I finally got out of her what she really thinks. So it hurts, I should have just stuck to my guns when I told her we can't have contact so I can get over her. I shouldn't have replied to her. I will never learn. Only more pain can come from continued contact. She just wants me to still be there for her when she's lonely at night. Breakups suck so bad Don't beat yourself up for it. Be sad and angry. You have a right to be. But then start to take care of yourself. Don't let yourself stay sad and angry. Only you can be responsible for your own happiness and recovery. The journey is long and hard but well worth it! 1
Never Again Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Doing fine. My emotional fortitude has been recovering steadily. It's funny - I never relied on her for my happiness, but I cannot help but wonder if I came off as if I did because of my bewildering behavior those last two months. Two quotes from Dexter hit home: "We all have something to hide, some dark place inside us we don’t want the world to see, so we pretend everything’s OK, wrapping ourselves in rainbows… and maybe that’s all for the best, because some of these places are darker than others" "Compartmentalization is a joke. Fires rip through buildings all the time, no matter how closed off parts of them are. Life is the same way; it cannot be contained" 1
lakerman34 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Day 5 - Not knowing is what kills me. There was this guy I know that she was "dating" (in other words, hung out and slept with for about a month) about 5 months ago. They ended amicably. He's still in the background. They live FAR from each other outside of college, but he recently got a job in the city -- right in her backyard. Thinking about them together bothers me because I STRONGLY believe that, for her, I'm the better option. With all of that being said, I still think about her. My best friends joke about her, and I find that finding comedy in the situation helps. We were playing Monopoly, I rolled first, landed on a property and said, "the property is mighty swell, hell, it might be the best property on the board. BUT I just don't feel chemistry." I try to convince myself to NOT hold out hope. Just to forget about her. She was one in a billion 6 days ago, now she's just some b*tch. Nothing really special about her, when I think about it. True, SO many guys go after her, and not because of her good looks but rather because she is so cool, BUT, I was one of the very few that got a nibble. I even saw a guy AT A BAR get on his hands and knees, hold her hands, and practically beg her to sleep with him by complimenting her. All these guys just kiss her feet and she loves every moment of it. I don't take back any of the last 14 months. No regrets, but I'm just in a different part of life than her. She isn't ready for a man, she still wants boys. Day 5 - a small step back, but hopefully by the end of the day, I'll turn it into a giant leap forward.
lakerman34 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I feel so down right now. Really really low and defeated. I have never been called the things my ex said to me today by text . We had agreed to take a little time, still text every now and then, but not talk for around 2 weeks. She told me if it wasn't with me, she wouldn't be ready for another relationship for 6 months or so. I agreed to all this but found her dating profile back up, with her saying she just got out of a relationship and is now single. I was so angry when I saw it, I couldn't help myself and texted her that she lied to me again, and she's lost me for good and how can she move on so quick. She blew up back at me with things I never thought I would hear from her, putting me down sexually and calling me scum and all sorts of bad stuff. She called me after awhile and asked what I was thinking. I said well you have taken my self esteem to a new low. She said well now u know what it feels like, it hurts to get texts like that. But I never attacked her so personally like that. Then she said call me later if u want. What for though? No point, I finally got out of her what she really thinks. So it hurts, I should have just stuck to my guns when I told her we can't have contact so I can get over her. I shouldn't have replied to her. I will never learn. Only more pain can come from continued contact. She just wants me to still be there for her when she's lonely at night. Breakups suck so bad Think of it this way: A girl that does all that is not a lady. Do you want to be with a girl that has the capacity to say such ugly things? To be such an ugly person? She wants to text you to see what you're up to, to make sure you aren't moving on. She wants the power. You know what you do? Delete her number. If she texts you, all you say is, 'I need some space. Please do not text me.' If she continues, don't respond. If she continues, call up your phone company and have her number blocked. You'd be surprised what disappearing does to a woman's psyche -- especially one who seems as crazy as yours. I've set up my Facebook in a way that I never appear online to my "ex." I'm always on Facebook on my phone in her eyes, but never actually online. In other words, if she were to message me, I wouldn't get it right away. She just sees a "online 6hours ago" next to my name. Otherwise, I never post a single thing, she has NO idea what I'm up to. Last night, I went on Facebook for a minute (real Facebook). She wasn't online. But she ALSO had a phone next to her name.....something she never does. I know it's a stretch, but I know how this girl works. She's going bananas. She can't believe how a guy went from "one of her best friends" (as she told me -- she 'never saw me as anything more than plutonicly' and 'it never felt right') to just gone like the wind. Fell off the face of the earth. She'll play it cool, but I think, eventually, she'll fold. Power is back in my hands. Do that to your ex. Let her keep guessing what you're up to. It'll drive her insane. 1
CapturedMemories Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) It's getting a little better, a friend should be here any minute for a chit chat. I've actually got my mom's dog over to stay the night but yep back we go tomorrow morning work work work. Thinking of signing up for a dog sport in the weekend. Will be fun! On my part NC until couple days back I got a text from ex concerning my stuff and his new gf started ranting at me calling me names. Still it makes me wonder why new girl wants to rub it in she got him. I mean she won, leave me alone. I stayed calm the whole conversation that got on her nerve real bad. One side I felt I won, at least I didn't sink that low and call her bad names I felt I had the power by just ignoring other side it feels like I just stood there taking the punches in my face, paralized. Wow just wow. My work involves ''couples'' at times, that is really confronting makes me feel like quiting just for that reason gahhh. Chin up, there's light at the end of the tunnel. There was 6 six years ago, I don't doubt it's still there. Edited February 20, 2014 by CapturedMemories
AnyaNova Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Really tired. Between my hard drive crashing, Microsoft Word taking hours to install, having to reinstall all of my printer stuff and then figure out why it couldn't print wirelessly, and then this morning (I ended up handwriting the assignment last night and then thinking I would type it up this morning) my comp's internet wouldn't work (we have to submit assignments online) and I had a whole thing getting that back. I did submit the assignment on time, but I am very stressed and tired and I haven't had enough sleep in a week. I think after my observation, I'm going to come and crash. Just go to bed really early and sleep until I'm done (or until I have to get up for class tomorrow). And what I said about the lingering effects on their perceptions of me in my program. I got back an evaluation form today. Never mind that nearly all the stuff I would actually be doing on my job I got either a four or a five out of nearly all of them (five being the max) and to be fair I had a few threes. Basically everything that pertained to the evaluation I got good solid and in most cases way better than solid scores in. But in the overall skills and abilities section that relates to our overall progress in everything, I got a really really low score. I still got a pretty good grade on the overall assignment, but still. I know how much I am fighting here. And I am improving so much on my ability to get stuff done, which it is really hard to do when your brain doesn't have nearly enough fuel to run on. I just wish they could see or even begin to understand what it is I have been up against. I also wish they could see that I am improving. I fear no matter what I do that I will never be able to change their opinion of me from when I was at my sickest. All I can do though is my best and keep plowing on. 1
JDPT Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Late night sauna session tonight. I'm exhausted tonight, it'll beva good night, good dreams. 1
iouaname Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Having a rough night . I went out to the bar with a bunch of friends, and even though I've been doing so well lately I just crashed tonight. I miss him... the thoughts of him sleeping with other girls is upsetting me, and I'm getting frustrated by not being able to find anyone who I feel good about. It could just be the alcohol talking, but I'm relapsing a bit
L1ght Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I'm coping well. Its funny how accepting a situation can help you to see things more clearly. I have said a lot of things about my ex on this forum, some of them justified while other things out of sheer frustration. I don't like how she gave up. It really cuts deep though I realise that I had the chance to avoid that situation but took the whole thing for granted. Every real serious relationship has conflict in it and what really matters is how we deal with it in the moment when everything is totally raw and totally real. We would fight and it could be really intense and I would completely lose my sh*t sometimes but somehow we would manage to fix it. She would warn me that I needed to deal with my anger issues and I always promised I would but I never did. That's how I lost her. I lost her because I promised I would change but I didn't. She left because she had enough and I was too pig headed to see it. The love is gone, she doesn't love me anymore and I accept it. I still love her but I'm at the point where I'm happy that I'm ready to learn from my mistakes. I'm not an angry man by nature and I just got caught up in everything. I like the way my future looks and I feel so much better because of it. 1
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