How are you coping today?

[lovebirds]

I feel like I am almost coping too well the last few days.

It's been a little over three months. I did not go fully NC (but I did not contact him in desperate moments), I feel okay seeing him (the two first months it was NOT okay) sometimes for practical reasons. We were together and, in my view, mostly very happy for six years.

 

I kissed a good friend of mine last weekend and now, all of a sudden, I feel so giddy. Fluttery. I am filled up with this warm energy, it feels very weird. Is this a sort-of rebound? Of course it is a self-confidence boost for me; I feel attractive. But it also shows me that I could maybe feel something for someone else (maybe for this friend) in the future. I am so happy and excited for life in general.

 

Three months ago, I would've never thought I could feel this way. I hope this can motivate some of you. It gets better. I was so ****ing miserable.

 

I'm now afraid that I'll crash again soon, but for the moment, I'm enjoying this little high.

[STM206]

I feel like I am almost coping too well the last few days.

It's been a little over three months. I did not go fully NC (but I did not contact him in desperate moments), I feel okay seeing him (the two first months it was NOT okay) sometimes for practical reasons. We were together and, in my view, mostly very happy for six years.

 

I kissed a good friend of mine last weekend and now, all of a sudden, I feel so giddy. Fluttery. I am filled up with this warm energy, it feels very weird. Is this a sort-of rebound? Of course it is a self-confidence boost for me; I feel attractive. But it also shows me that I could maybe feel something for someone else (maybe for this friend) in the future. I am so happy and excited for life in general.

 

Three months ago, I would've never thought I could feel this way. I hope this can motivate some of you. It gets better. I was so ****ing miserable.

 

I'm now afraid that I'll crash again soon, but for the moment, I'm enjoying this little high.

 

You should totally record yourself in these good moments. Make a little video montage saying "hey, I'm having these emotions, I'm feeling a little better about myself and the situation" and if you do have some rough days, watch the videos again as a reminder that you are making progress! <3

 

Personally I wouldn't jump into anything else relationship wise but you now yourself better than anyone. Nothing wrong with making out, the fact that you were able to do that and not feel like crap after is always a good sign!

[STM206]

This morning I can say was better than yesterday morning.

 

I still woke up with anxiety and racing thoughts, and had my first dream about my ex in a few weeks. I dreamt about him sitting on a chair at an intersection, drooling over other guys... I ran across the street and realized he was almost trying to pretend he wasn't but not caring.

 

Dreams can be so weird!

 

Yesterday morning I was a mess, today I'm a little more hopeful for the future. Even though he still crosses my mind more often than not, I guess I feel so burnt out. I tried so hard, went against every rule in the book and contacted him hoping to save what we had... Yet kept getting kicked in the teeth. I'll never understand how people who said they were so madly in love with you, can treat you as if you're a mere fragment of their memories.

 

Day by day, and hope for the best.

 

In starting to see a counselor this Wednesday, so maybe that'll help with my personal issues.

[lakerman34]

Day 3 -

 

May have taken a step back today -- a small one.

 

I woke up today imagining her being intimate with another guy. Holding hands, being in each others arms, sharing a meal in another country, even growing old together and having kids.

 

I hate these thoughts because I can't help but think -- "why not me?"

 

The mornings are, indeed, the worst. Nights aren't great either. During the day, I'm at my best.

 

I do believe she liked me. I believe we had a strong connection. I even look back at our "date" and think "damn, this is where I went wrong" and "damn, she REALLY wanted to have that connection with me, but I was too busy with keeping it real. THAT'S why she didn't feel 'sparks.'"

 

The date started off well. She told a penis joke (actually about MY penis), and I just sort of stared at her. The conversation was, in a lot of ways, "intimate." Then, when I brought up such a casual conversation starter, "so....any plans after you graduate?" her voice went from that "cutesy girl on a date" to "comfortable girl out with a friend." I remember it so vividly.

 

I was supposed to be the guy that got her away from reality. That brought her to this place of "hey, you think it, and I'll try to make it happen." She wants the kind of guy that she can tell a penis joke to, and he'll respond, "shhh......why are you talking about my penis in a restaurant? Save that for later in the car..."

 

I tried to be sweet with her. Sweet is a common commodity. What she needed was sexy, bold, fierce. I could have been all that, I just tossed it away because I wanted to "keep it real" and "chill."

 

It's the worst thinking that she JUST slipped through my fingers. If there was 0 chance, it would have been easier.

 

I do take solace in the fact that I know she won't find that "long time" boyfriend any time soon. She's confused in relationships. A relationship based off of "sparks and sex" never works out. I would know. That's a hookup.....even a long term hookup (a la my last girlfriend and I).

 

Part of me wants to come across her, but in 2 or 3 years. Not now. I strongly believe that we were perfect for each other, the timing was just off. I think had she been 24, things would have been different.

 

Ah well.

 

Day 3 - minor step back, but I'll be OK.

[lovebirds]

You should totally record yourself in these good moments. Make a little video montage saying "hey, I'm having these emotions, I'm feeling a little better about myself and the situation" and if you do have some rough days, watch the videos again as a reminder that you are making progress! <3

 

Personally I wouldn't jump into anything else relationship wise but you now yourself better than anyone. Nothing wrong with making out, the fact that you were able to do that and not feel like crap after is always a good sign!

 

I won't make a video but I'm writing down my thoughts a lot, that has helped me through these months

 

I feel like I am sixteen years old again, I've only had one relationship so this 'flirting thing' is all new to me... It makes me feel all weird, haha. I'm not going to jump into a relationship, I am probably not ready yet. I wouldn't want to spoil something potentially interesting by jumping in when I am not fully healed.

[L1ght]

Back on the horse! Woot! Woot!

F*ck the past.

[STM206]

Day 3 -

 

May have taken a step back today -- a small one.

 

I woke up today imagining her being intimate with another guy. Holding hands, being in each others arms, sharing a meal in another country, even growing old together and having kids.

 

I hate these thoughts because I can't help but think -- "why not me?"

 

The mornings are, indeed, the worst. Nights aren't great either. During the day, I'm at my best.

 

I do believe she liked me. I believe we had a strong connection. I even look back at our "date" and think "damn, this is where I went wrong" and "damn, she REALLY wanted to have that connection with me, but I was too busy with keeping it real. THAT'S why she didn't feel 'sparks.'"

 

The date started off well. She told a penis joke (actually about MY penis), and I just sort of stared at her. The conversation was, in a lot of ways, "intimate." Then, when I brought up such a casual conversation starter, "so....any plans after you graduate?" her voice went from that "cutesy girl on a date" to "comfortable girl out with a friend." I remember it so vividly.

 

I was supposed to be the guy that got her away from reality. That brought her to this place of "hey, you think it, and I'll try to make it happen." She wants the kind of guy that she can tell a penis joke to, and he'll respond, "shhh......why are you talking about my penis in a restaurant? Save that for later in the car..."

 

I tried to be sweet with her. Sweet is a common commodity. What she needed was sexy, bold, fierce. I could have been all that, I just tossed it away because I wanted to "keep it real" and "chill."

 

It's the worst thinking that she JUST slipped through my fingers. If there was 0 chance, it would have been easier.

 

I do take solace in the fact that I know she won't find that "long time" boyfriend any time soon. She's confused in relationships. A relationship based off of "sparks and sex" never works out. I would know. That's a hookup.....even a long term hookup (a la my last girlfriend and I).

 

Part of me wants to come across her, but in 2 or 3 years. Not now. I strongly believe that we were perfect for each other, the timing was just off. I think had she been 24, things would have been different.

 

Ah well.

 

Day 3 - minor step back, but I'll be OK.

 

One day you'll make it a point to go to London with a new partner and purposely share a photo of yourself with the quote "couldn't imagine being here with anyone better!"

 

POW! Right in he kisser ex!

[lakerman34]

One day you'll make it a point to go to London with a new partner and purposely share a photo of yourself with the quote "couldn't imagine being here with anyone better!"

 

POW! Right in he kisser ex!

 

Haha awww thanks!

 

I know that I'll meet someone just as good, if not better, than her eventually.

 

There are a LOT of "the one"s. It's just that she was the best "The One" I've met to date, and I find it hard to believe that another one is coming any time soon.

 

But, then again, every new girl is an improvement over the last. That's just the nature of things.

[jallajalla08]

Shed a few tears today...

 

Just felt so lonely, looked her up on facebook, saw her picture. Just made me miss her so damn much. So many thoughts racing through my head. I don't even know what to think anymore. It's been almost 4 months...

 

Didn't contact though.

 

 

I feel like I'm moving backwards. When will this nightmare end... Feeling frustrated, lost, alone, and helpless.

 

Man, you need to stop looking at her Facebook! No wonder you feel like you're moving backwards. That **** is like a drug. You keep taking it, but you know you'll feel like crap afterwards.

 

Delete her or block her from your timeline! And don't go to her profile. It's for your own good. I've been there, and know it's hard to stay away from her facebook, Instagram etc. But it has to be done, or you'll never start healing.

[AnyaNova]

Doing much better today.

 

My first class was cancelled so I had some extra time to at least improve the assignment that was due Today, and because of the structure of the class, I can still go back and improve it even more.

 

So I encountered a trauma trigger. It happens. I don't have to let it rule my life (and I won't). And it turns out that it was actually far more specific than I thought at first, but I will NOT be going into detail about that here. It is what it is.

 

I think, too, that I have completely made up my mind with enough nutrients for my brain to actually function on and make a wise decision.

 

Even as friends, how could I ever trust him not to cut and run again? How could I ever trust him with anything important or deep (and deep friendships are where I am at)?

 

I couldn't.

 

If he does ever try and come back I can't do it. I can't let myself do it. He wounded me too badly, he left me alone to fight too much stuff on my own, and what true assurance could he ever give that he wouldn't do the same thing again if he started to feel too attached again?

 

None whatsoever.

 

Giving myself a break until 2:30 where I will get some business done, some reading, and get ready for my class group meeting this evening.

 

I am sitting in my beautifully cleaned and organized room with the windows open enjoying my decoration and the beautiful day and the sunshine!

[realfriends]

Over the recent months, I have stopped talking about the incident to my family and friends and have even gone as far to tell my friends not to bring up anything about her because I know what is to of come (her in a new relationship) and I don't want to know anything about it.

 

I feel like I don't have anyone anymore to talk to this about and its probably for the best. I generally don't want to talk about it, but sometimes, I just would like to. I guess thats what everyone is here for.

[lakerman34]

I've been home a lot during the day. I find talking aloud and pretend I'm even having a conversation with her REALLY helps. Explain to her how she went wrong and how you're doing fine, how she's not the one for you, how she messed up, just explain EVERYTHING aloud, as if she were there. Extremely therapeutic.

 

MUCH better now than I was this morning.

[Haydn]

This is it.

 

If we were given degrees, awards, certificates for our accomplishment during these times of distress we would have rooms filled with plaques. We have accomplished so much and that's a fact. We are still here, standing strong and propelling ourselves forwards regardless of so much opposition. We thought we had it all sketched out until our exes decided to throw us a curve ball and that's when it was time to improvise. And we managed to accommodate and roll with the punches simultaneously licking and healing our wounds. This will be a long journey which I'm ready to accept and commit to. As we already know, it does get better and we are living proof.

[Riou]

Doing well and glad that i am spending more time outside again.

[AnyaNova]

If we were given degrees, awards, certificates for our accomplishment during these times of distress we would have rooms filled with plaques. We have accomplished so much and that's a fact. We are still here, standing strong and propelling ourselves forwards regardless of so much opposition. We thought we had it all sketched out until our exes decided to throw us a curve ball and that's when it was time to improvise. And we managed to accommodate and roll with the punches simultaneously licking and healing our wounds. This will be a long journey which I'm ready to accept and commit to. As we already know, it does get better and we are living proof.

 

Well said. It does get better. Spring is coming. I am if not all healed from my ex, 99.9999 so. I am doing the best with my academics that I can with the health issues (ironically, it is not the large assignments, it is the small stuff, the emails about which book I'm choosing etc, that are really getting me and none of the strategies I am trying are helping, but I will work with it, for a short time while this recuperates, I may have to treat myself like I am completely brain damaged ). Anyway, I'm doing the best that I can and I in all respects am getting better.

 

And I do apparently have some more healing to do in that one regard. I am a bit scared now, in some ways, because I am afraid now with my brain completely online (including ms. Amygdala) that I might be more triggered in my next relationship than I was in my past. I am hoping not, because I had such a strong model of trustworthy men in the form of my father, but I do worry a little about that, but I will not let it conquer me. I kind of tend to face fears head on when my brain is healthfully supplied with all nutrients.

 

So I hope that you have been doing well these last few days. Maybe if the weather is similar enjoying some sunlight and some warmer temperatures?

[jphcbpa]

Today I feel very strong. I am sure these feelings will come and go. Yes I think about her often and still have love in my heart. But today I am in a frame that I really do not care. That I am okay and it does not matter. It is like my heart has been broken open and I am not heart broken. My heart is full of love and the anger has gone. I have never felt this way before. A very peaceful place. Perhaps this is what real love feels like, Gods love. I feel my heart has more love to give than ever.

[STM206]

Day 3 of initiating NC. This morning has been a little rough, I stayed up until 4 last night chatting with a guy feeling a little was better about distracting myself. We were planning on doing a "hook up" this morning and now I'm not sure.

 

I hate feeling like this in the mornings, I wake up and all I can think about is him. I keep feeling like with as much reaching out I did, that I just need to reach out "one more time" that this would save everything even though I know in my heart it wouldn't change one thought in his head.

 

I wish I could shut him off out of my thoughts and my heart!

 

Why so those of us who get broken up with, feel like we're missing the "one chance" of our lives? Why do we only remember the "good qualities" and shun out how they treated us after?

 

All I can imagine is him running off into the sunset and finding his happiness and me picking up the pieces. My self esteem is shot over all of this! My heart is so hurt... It almost makes me question if I even want to try again with anyone else down the road, the pain was almost unbearable, I couldn't fathom the thought of building something for so many years to once again get left behind.

Edited February 19, 2014 by STM206

[lakerman34]

Day 3 of initiating NC. This morning has been a little rough, I stayed up until 4 last night chatting with a guy feeling a little was better about distracting myself. We were planning on doing a "hook up" this morning and now I'm not sure.

 

I hate feeling like this in the mornings, I wake up and all I can think about is him. I keep feeling like with as much reaching out I did, that I just need to reach out "one more time" that this would save everything even though I know in my heart it wouldn't change one thought in his head.

 

I wish I could shut him off out of my thoughts and my heart!

 

Why so those of us who get broken up with, feel like we're missing the "one chance" of our lives? Why do we only remember the "good qualities" and shun out how they treated us after?

 

All I can imagine is him running off into the sunset and finding his happiness and me picking up the pieces. My self esteem is shot over all of this! My heart is so hurt... It almost makes me question if I even want to try again with anyone else down the road, the pain was almost unbearable, I couldn't fathom the thought of building something for so many years to once again get left behind.

 

Perhaps it's too soon. I wouldn't just "hook up."

 

I actually got the best BJ of my LIFE about a week after my ex and I broke up. Thing is, I felt AWFUL about it. I had to imagine it was her, even the girl administering the BJ was like, "oh boy, you're nowhere NEAR over her" by the time she was done. Still, that BJ was memorable, and I keep thinking DAMN if only my mind was more into it.

 

With ALL that being said, it's not worth it. Rebound sex WILL make you feel worse. Who knows? Maybe you end up in a relationship with this guy thinking it "feels right," but it is just that, a rebound, and when the relationship is over, imagine the pain you feel right now and multiply it by 2. It'll be awful.

 

Just my $0.02.

[STM206]

Perhaps it's too soon. I wouldn't just "hook up."

 

I actually got the best BJ of my LIFE about a week after my ex and I broke up. Thing is, I felt AWFUL about it. I had to imagine it was her, even the girl administering the BJ was like, "oh boy, you're nowhere NEAR over her" by the time she was done. Still, that BJ was memorable, and I keep thinking DAMN if only my mind was more into it.

 

With ALL that being said, it's not worth it. Rebound sex WILL make you feel worse. Who knows? Maybe you end up in a relationship with this guy thinking it "feels right," but it is just that, a rebound, and when the relationship is over, imagine the pain you feel right now and multiply it by 2. It'll be awful.

 

Just my $0.02.

 

I see your point, I just feel like it would be a good way to distract. I mean I know he's never coming back, and I'm just sick of thinking about him all the time, hoping for something that isn't there.

 

Maybe trying new things sexually would be a way to feel like at least I didn't do that with him.

[lakerman34]

Day 4 -

Getting better. Got advice from the unlikeliest of places last night -- my mom. She told me the story of my dad, I told her the story of this girl, and she couldn't help but laugh. She essentially told me, "son, she's a college girl. She wants 'butterflies' and 'sparks,' and she didn't feel it with you after hanging out 4 times. She won't feel those things with ANYONE after hanging out just 4 times. Did she make a mistake? No. Did she probably like you? Maybe, I don't know. What should you do? Don't talk to her. From what you've told me, it sounds like she really values your friendship. Making yourself unavailable MAY be the thumb that tips the scale in your favor. If she really values your friendship as much as you make it sound, she'll contact you. Maybe next week, maybe next month, maybe next year. Just don't be too available, and in the meantime, forget about her, but stay in the background. Press 'delete' on her enough that you can move on, but don't get rid of her COMPLETELY. You guys, at the very least, seemed to have a wonderful friendship. Is that worth throwing away? Sure, right now, end the chapter and put it on hold. What should matter the most to you right now is YOU. If you need to get rid of these feelings for her, stay away from her. If she comes back too early, be polite, be nice, but don't get excited. When the time is right, you'll know, or the time may never come, but you'll be over her. Your father used to annoy me, I couldn't stand him, he was nice, but I would ALWAYS reject his approaches. Then, one night, I went on a date with him, and I realized he was a nice enough guy, and I decided to move forward to see what was up with him. About ten dates later, all that 'chemistry' and 'sparks' came.

 

Wow. All I needed to hear.

 

I feel so much better now. I think the worst was thinking about how much I allowed this girl to bruise my ego, and now that I definitely won't be having her anytime soon, I imagine the sex we could have had. She's so goddamn hot haha. I know that if we just got it on, she wouldn't be able to hear my name without getting wet.

 

But I do believe in the Universe, and I believe there is a reason for everything. She may have filled some sort of gap in the meta-verse that is going to make it easier for me to work hard at my career and, to ultimately, find the perfect girl for me. Who knows?

 

I made SOME mistakes in our closing conversation, but I did some things right. I revealed too much to her. I told her how she confused me and how she could talk the way she does about me and NOT feel anything for me. Her response was something along the lines of "just because you give me nice, genuine comments and because we want the same things out of life does not mean that we are romantically compatible." From this, I learned that she is ONLY looking for 'sparks' and 'butterflies' -- a college girl's way of thinking. The timing is just off.

 

BUT I also told her that I'm happy she said all of this to me. It's what I needed. Now I can remove my chains and heal my wounds. She was a bit confused by this, and hell, I think it may have even hit a nerve ('so, wait a minute, I'm telling this guy I'm NOT interested and he's looking at it OPTIMISTICALLY?') Really threw her a curveball.

 

In accordance to what my mom said, I kept her on my Facebook, but I'm using my other Facebook. She'll never know what I'm up to.

 

Day 4 - getting better and moving forward.

[ithappenedagain]

Feeling like ***** today. I have actually been feeling like this for a few days now. I still cant come to terms with this. I am sick and tired of continuously thinking about it. I have even questioned if me visiting this site on a hourly/minutely basis is even good for my healing. I really want to read the advice of others, but at some point, every message message I read is pretty much the same. No Contact. Dont do it. Will get better with time. etc etc... Now in no way am I not grateful for the advice that you all have given me, I just feel like me visiting this site is hindering my recovery.. Because I associate this site with my breakup.

 

Can anyone relate?

[Tripz]

STM, are you living my life?? I swear every word you said is EXACTLY what is going on with me (without the hook up part). I'm getting really tired of every waking moment thinking about her. Just when I think I'm gaining some ground, some unseen force thrusts me back to square one. I know this will get better in time, but damn...

 

I felt so overwhelmed with everything, that I broke down. Being a normally strong person, not taken to crying, that pissed me off, so in complete disgust with myself, I shot a selfie, just to remember how pathetic I've become. I'm actually laughing at it now, because it's truly disgusting how I look bawling like a child.

 

Moving forward...Yesterday, I signed up for a divorce support group and also committed to going to a men's group that deals with how to learn to show the kind of love a woman needs. It's a church based group that meets on Sunday nights. Maybe a bit late for my marriage, but certainly hopeful to gain wisdom and understanding for any future relationships. Honestly though, I can't even imagine having another relationship, at the moment. Just the thought of someday reliving this complete fookincluster called my life, is almost enough to join a monastery and live a celibate life.

[Tripz]

Feeling like ***** today. I have actually been feeling like this for a few days now. I still cant come to terms with this. I am sick and tired of continuously thinking about it. I have even questioned if me visiting this site on a hourly/minutely basis is even good for my healing. I really want to read the advice of others, but at some point, every message message I read is pretty much the same. No Contact. Dont do it. Will get better with time. etc etc... Now in no way am I not grateful for the advice that you all have given me, I just feel like me visiting this site is hindering my recovery.. Because I associate this site with my breakup.

 

Can anyone relate?

LOL, I've totally had the same feeling. I love logging on and hearing that pretty much everything I'm going through is textbook and EVERYONE's emotional rollercoaster is the same. However, the past few days, reading about folks who are the very beginning stages, takes me back, too. Perhaps, I empathize too much, feel their pain in my own and it thrusts me back? Aside from that, this site and the people on it are wonderful, hurting and are reaching out. This site has helped so much during some of the very lowest days of my entire life, for that, I'm forever grateful.

[ithappenedagain]

LOL, I've totally had the same feeling. I love logging on and hearing that pretty much everything I'm going through is textbook and EVERYONE's emotional rollercoaster is the same. However, the past few days, reading about folks who are the very beginning stages, takes me back, too. Perhaps, I empathize too much, feel their pain in my own and it thrusts me back? Aside from that, this site and the people on it are wonderful, hurting and are reaching out. This site has helped so much during some of the very lowest days of my entire life, for that, I'm forever grateful.

 

Exactly. I've gotten some GREAT advice and everyone on this site is amazing. It just dawned on me that maybe I should stop frequenting this site so much as it is a direct relation to my breakup. With that said... I will probably still visit religiously! Love you all! I will keep praying for you guys

[jallajalla08]

I ran into my ex today, for the first time since I rejected her when she wanted to get back together with me. It was harder then I though it would be.

 

I didn't even know she was in town, so my heart skipped a beat and I got that feeling in my stomach like someone just punched me. I was in my car, so we didn't say hello. Don't think she noticed me either.

 

The thing is... I don't know if my reaction to seeing her was because I still have feelings for her, or because I was just reminded of all the **** she put me through. Broke up with me 3 times, and tried to get me back again. I refused, since I obviously can't trust her and just feel like she's playing me. Have been thinking a lot about my decision, but think I made the right one.