How are you coping today?

[lovebirds]

I love reading your posts AnyaNova! A slice of life. I try to keep my social life as active as possible as well.

 

How am I coping:

 

BU was in November, he was not in love with me anymore. I have seen my ex a couple of times in the last weeks for practical reasons. It was okay, we're friendly and I don't crash anymore afterwards, which used to be the case in the beginning.

 

Drank too much yesterday at a cafe, i don't normally do that... I ended up flirting with a long-time friend of mine and my weak memory tells me that we sorta kissed - touched lips while dancing. I am so new to these things, I have never really been 'single'.

 

On the way home on my bike I started to cry over my ex. This also happened the last time i drank too much... Weird, because i had not thought of him for the whole night.

 

I am so confused now.

Confused confused confused.

(But still, I can honestly say I am still a happy person)

[picnicinthepark]

Ex of almost 5 years, 1 month and 3 days since BU, and 1 week NC.

 

I can't stand living out in the country with my parents. Home is okay in small doses but its definitely not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. I've been keeping busy with my half marathon training and looking for a job. The past couple weekends I've been staying with a friend in the city. It feels just like old times when I'm with the guys and its a good distraction. The familiarity of the city raises my spirit but its still a constant reminder of my ex. Depending on where I am in the city, I can see our old apt building where she still lives. My mind wanders and I wonder how she is, what she is doing, and if she's thinking of me. We're strangers now. It kills me.

 

I've gotten rid of all social media. This has helped me immensely. I find that I spend my time doing more productive things, however I still feel disconnected. I want to know how she is doing but then I stop myself because its too hard. I'm not ready to know. Is she happy? Is she miserable? Did she take down all the pictures of us in the apt? Is the internet out again? She doesn't know how to fix it. I tell myself "It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter." She left me and that's all that matters. She didn't love me enough to want to try to fix things. I deserve better.

 

I slipped on NC a week ago and learned my lesson. She seems like she's handling things well but what do I know? Better not to think about it at all at this point.

 

I visited an old friend from high school which was nice. We have been good friends for some time and try to keep in touch when we can. Her and her bf got a place a couple years back out in the middle of nowhere and they also just got a dog. We made dinner together, had some drinks, and caught up. This made me miss my ex so much. I'm sincerely happy for my friend and her bf. The way that they look at each other, body language, etc. I miss that and I'm having trouble wrapping my head around how those feelings just fade away. How someone would just let that happen and just give up.

 

On the way home I had a lot on my mind but the long drive was therapeutic. I thought a lot about the good times my ex and I had these past few years. I'm am so lucky to have had her in my life. It doesn't hurt as nearly as it did before. I realized that I am going to be okay no matter what. I'm getting better.

[uku383]

I am fed up with being heartbroken.

 

Thoughts of her paralyse me. I'm in such a negative, dark place that I don't even motivate myself to look for work.

 

I am angry at being hurt, and frustrated that no matter how hard I try I am seen as making mistakes.

 

I do the best I can with what I've got. I try to always think of what's best for my son. I put her emotions before mine, which I know must stop.

 

I am angry that she didn't really give me a chance to fix my problems. I went into hospital for my depression and she dumped me! She had tried to fix things, but we needed to try together.

 

There is no way that she is going to take me back as I am. I don't want to be browbeaten any more, and I want to be in a place where I'm okay if she doesn't give it a chance, but it is so difficult to fix the situation... almost impossible in fact.

 

I so want her to see how I've tried to do things right for her, in my own screwy way. I want her to see that the person that I want to be, the person that I actually am underneath all of my troubles, is the person I know she loves.

 

I hate not controlling any of this. I absolutely detest the vulnerability that I feel. I am saddened every time I think of the time I'm forced to be apart from my son.

 

I'm not asking her to take me back right now. I just want a chance for us to learn how to talk with hear other, how to communicate, how to make us work. I just want the chance that we never properly afforded ourselves, a chance that she seems to have written off.

[Hoaks]

Broke up the day after valentines day. Today we are going NC. It hurts bad that it's done and dusted now. We both love each other but we just don't "work". And that is so hard to deal with.

 

I know her way of dealing with this is attention from one of her guy friends. So right now they could be out getting dinner and going back to her place for a drink. Then who knows. That's her way of dealing with it. And right now, I'm at my mums watching my team play football because I don't have cable.

 

So after 5 months of being at her house, used to the routine, it's hard to give that up. We got 2 kittens together, and I love and miss them too. They are great cats to think another guy will be there playing with them, sleeping in her bed makes me vomit.

 

So I'm doing really bad right now , I know it's fresh and recent. I just wanna text her and say I miss her. She would actually like that, but I'm afraid of not getting a reply until maybe tomorrow because she's busy with another guy.

 

I really don't do NC well, I'm bad at it. I have no choice and need to stick with it this time.

[MissTrudy]

5 weeks post-BU today, 3 weeks NC. Despite feeling kind of crummy over the weekend I am glad that I didn't break NC despite the strong desire to do so, and I am proud for sticking at it for three weeks.

 

I also deactivated my OKC account because right now the prospect of dating just depresses me. I hope to maintain NC for three more weeks and then evaluate whether I want to contact him again or not.

[hea]

going on 5 months post BU. I haven't been on this site for a few days as I found it hard to read other heartbreak stories.

 

 

But im really missing him and I have no one to talk to.

 

 

I cant stop hoping he will come back. After he broke up with me, he was the one who contacted me, telling me he loved me, missed me etc, and it doesn't make any sense for it to be that way. When HE didn't want to be with ME.

 

 

I had been NC for three weeks and then he asked me how I was. Since then its been another two weeks NC. I wish I new what he was feeling.

 

 

Im really missing him. How can I still feel this way when its been 5 months!

[h3braica]

going on 5 months post BU. I haven't been on this site for a few days as I found it hard to read other heartbreak stories.

 

 

But im really missing him and I have no one to talk to.

 

 

I cant stop hoping he will come back. After he broke up with me, he was the one who contacted me, telling me he loved me, missed me etc, and it doesn't make any sense for it to be that way. When HE didn't want to be with ME.

 

 

I had been NC for three weeks and then he asked me how I was. Since then its been another two weeks NC. I wish I new what he was feeling.

 

 

Im really missing him. How can I still feel this way when its been 5 months!

 

you are not alone. it's been a year and a month since the BU but here I am still feeling the pain of the lost relationship. the pain is making me insane.

[somedude81]

Today I realized that my ex has blocked me on all forms of electronic communication.

 

It made me feel disgusting and that I am a horrible guy. Even though I know I never did anything bad or mean to her.

 

A part of me also hates her for changing overnight and lying to me. I still don't understand how things can go from great to pretending I'm dead so quickly. This isn't her.

[Inflikted]

Well, in about six or so hours, I'll have seen the object of my feelings for the last time. I'm having such a hard time right now. My stomach feels like it's in a knot, my heart is beating super hard, I feel like I might throw up any second... *sigh* And then once it's all over, I'm going to crash so hard; later today, I'll probably just completely break down, and I'll spend the next several weeks still feeling awful, then the weeks will turn into months, and before I know it, years will have passed by. v_v

[h3braica]

Today I realized that my ex has blocked me on all forms of electronic communication.

 

It made me feel disgusting and that I am a horrible guy. Even though I know I never did anything bad or mean to her.

 

A part of me also hates her for changing overnight and lying to me. I still don't understand how things can go from great to pretending I'm dead so quickly. This isn't her.

 

i feel you. ex did the same thing to me it's as if I am not existing.

[Xemyd]

I'm having a really hard time lately.

 

Ever since I posted that I was done pining over him, I've been a mess. I really don't want to think about him anymore but every memory seems to be rushing back.

 

It's making me feel like I should talk to him. But at this point, what would I even say? I have no idea.

[Tripz]

Mornings do seem to be the hardest. Your mind is fresh and not yet cluttered with the details of the day. Thoughts sharply focus on the items missing from my former routine. No fresh smell of coffee waking me, since she's no longer there waking up 30min before me to make it. The adjustable lighting in the breakfast nook isn't already on helping my yet not quite awake eyes see. The dead silence that greets me instead of "Good morning honey, how'd you sleep". The ease at which I procrastinate getting ready for work since there's no one waiting for their turn in the shower. Sitting here with my coffee looking around at the silly collection of furniture, wall hangings, organization of items, color scheme, that all seemed so important for our shared happiness, but truly means nothing in reality. Feeling a tad melancholy as I realize, yet again, how easily we fall into the trap that "stuff" makes us think we are happy and fulfilled, when all along the chase of "stuff" has distracted us from what truly mattered...pursuing and constantly chasing the love of our life, now forever lost.

[STM206]

You try so hard but the mornings are indeed the hardest. You feel like it's one more day away from them, one more day that you don't have them in your life's anymore.

 

I hate this feeling so much, I love him but I hate him so much for leaving me with this pain.

[picnicinthepark]

You try so hard but the mornings are indeed the hardest. You feel like it's one more day away from them, one more day that you don't have them in your life's anymore.

 

I hate this feeling so much, I love him but I hate him so much for leaving me with this pain.

 

I just woke up feeling like this. I had a particularly vivid dream of our trip to NYC last summer. She left me too. BU over a month ago and NC for a week. Do you think that they feel the same when they wake up in the morning? Do you think they still fantasize about us? I need to let go...

[lakerman34]

Day 2 NC -

Going through the "breakup gauntlet."

Emotionally, I'm doing OK. I'm just very shocked and frustrated. I feel as if her not allowing us to see what would happen was sort of unfair. I believe this BS thing that girls call "chemistry" would have come. I've seen guys that she has this supposed "chemistry" with in the past, and those relationships lasted about a month each. She and I have the foundation to last MUCH longer than that. Being a college student, I think the only thing she knows is college relationships. Ah well.

 

I had a dream of her passionately making out with another dude. I tend to have dreams like this post-breakup. Tonight I'll probably have a dream of her and I having sex. I guess it's my unconscious mind filling that gap of what I want and the visions that I need to be OK with.

 

I set up social networking sites so I can't access her pages, she can't see when I'm online, and I won't be posting ANYTHING. I'm falling of the face of the earth....but she'll still see us as "Friends" on Facebook and Twitter. This may (or may not) throw her through a loop.

 

I'm reading about "chemistry" (that stuff she says we don't have), and I hate how formulaic it all is. I tease her, call her a dork, call her a nerd, but then I praise her. We joke around with each other, and, most of all, we have shared interests. The "touch" barrier hasn't been broken as of late, but hey, she was on top of me NAKED. I am not entirely sure there is any more to "touch" than that.

 

I believe her though. In her "breakup speech" she told me how I was going to meet someone. She's very OK with seeing me with someone else. That's that. There is 0 chance of this girl and I being something.

 

Frustration, but I'm OK. That's day 2.

[Mondmellonw]

To know he is still in the same town as me makes me a little "paranoid" when I go out to the streets.

I have seen him two times since the break up, both times I felt like crap and instantly looked at him (shame on me). The confrontation was ugly, and getting to see him on February 14th was like a kick on a body part I don't even have.... I always try to be fun and a little sarcastic, that's how I react when I no longer feel that devastated. I want to be optimistic, that's what this experience somehow taught me.

 

I am starting to feel attracted to different boys. It's cool, because I always thought he, the ex, was the most handsome guy on earth, and almost like my "dream man". Truth is... I want my real dream man to be strong and to have dignity. And you wanting to be back with your cheating ex makes me wonder... Why in hell you wanted me on the first place? Do you really think drinking nonstop is OK? Do you feel like you're showing me what I've lost?

You are a GREAT person, but acting like that shows off only the bad and the negative on you, the hatred, and makes me reaffirm why I left on the first place.

 

I'm sorry if I harmed you in any possible way, and I mean it, even when I don't think I did. It seems I was naive and you wanted me to have all the strength you did not had at the time... But I could not trust you at all...

 

 

 

I'm doing better. Finally, life is feeling more like life again.

[iouaname]

had a weird night last night... thought about my ex a lot more than I have recently. Still have kept no contact with him since he texted me on my birthday and I've even kept no contact with the mutual friends since the beginning of the month. Overall I am feeling much better about the situation. The days don't seem to drag on for quite so long and I don't feel like I have to constantly plan out my time so that I'm not left with free time to be upset. I wouldn't say I'm fully healed from the heartbreak, but I would say that I've become a much stronger person and I'm happy with myself again. I feel like I've successfully implemented all of the things that I've learned about myself and about how to handle situations into my life and I am experiencing the benefits.

[AnyaNova]

My training session was really difficult today. It really invoked my fear of falling.

 

Really really difficult.

 

I didn't even realize how difficult until I got home. And figured out what it was about.

 

It is ironic because the friends that I would feel comfortable enough with to talk about this with, are all far enough away that it would be by phone, and I can't talk about this by phone.

 

I've wondered before about my fear of falling. It isn't that old. It came about sometime, I'm not sure when. Though I am absolutely certain, I figured out why.

 

It isn't so much about the actual falling as the loss of bodily control that happens when you do. I don't know how to say this obliquely but I will try.

 

The reason it scares me so much is because it brings back when that bodily control was forcibly taken from me. I am finding out as I get my brain back online with the deficiency treatment, that it looks like I have some more work to do with some of my past "stuff." It makes sense. I had so much going on health wise for so long, and my brain wasn't fully online or equipped to be able to.

 

The thing, it probably sounds so strange given the nature of the cause of the fear, but given that my father presented such a strong, gentle, and trustworthy model, I guess maybe it is not so strange, but right now I really wish that I had (it would have to be a man that I really really really knew and trusted) a man that I know for a fact is a safe man to hold me.

 

It is hard to be alone with this right now.

 

I will be okay. I am giving myself a few minutes to process (I mean I need to rest anyway after the session, a little), and then I have homework I need to do and I want to get some more cleaning done on the apartment, I've gotten a lot done and it is looking so much better!

 

I have been through so much and fought so hard and I will continue to do so. I will heal completely and I will emerge from this stronger, more compassionate, less judgmental of others, and I will never lose the wonder and awe in the beauty of the natural world and in the even more beautiful abstract ideas arising from it.

 

But it looks like, to do so, I will have to crawl through a little more past darkness first.

Edited February 18, 2014 by AnyaNova

[LostConfused123]

Can't believe this is STILL so painful and difficult.

I really thought in the beginning of this nightmare, I would be so much farther in my recovery at this point.

UGH!!!

 

My thoughts and prayers go out to all my fellow sufferers.

 

((hugs!!))

[Xemyd]

My ex lives 45 seconds away from me. He's so close.

 

We haven't seen each other since the breakup, haven't talked for almost 5 months. He's so close to me and I'm in pain tonight. I'm actually hurting I'm so upset, he doesn't even know. He never knew how I felt.

[JDPT]

My training session was really difficult today. It really invoked my fear of falling.

 

Really really difficult.

 

I didn't even realize how difficult until I got home. And figured out what it was about.

 

It is ironic because the friends that I would feel comfortable enough with to talk about this with, are all far enough away that it would be by phone, and I can't talk about this by phone.

 

I've wondered before about my fear of falling. It isn't that old. It came about sometime, I'm not sure when. Though I am absolutely certain, I figured out why.

 

It isn't so much about the actual falling as the loss of bodily control that happens when you do. I don't know how to say this obliquely but I will try.

 

The reason it scares me so much is because it brings back when that bodily control was forcibly taken from me. I am finding out as I get my brain back online with the deficiency treatment, that it looks like I have some more work to do with some of my past "stuff." It makes sense. I had so much going on health wise for so long, and my brain wasn't fully online or equipped to be able to.

 

The thing, it probably sounds so strange given the nature of the cause of the fear, but given that my father presented such a strong, gentle, and trustworthy model, I guess maybe it is not so strange, but right now I really wish that I had (it would have to be a man that I really really really knew and trusted) a man that I know for a fact is a safe man to hold me.

 

It is hard to be alone with this right now.

 

I will be okay. I am giving myself a few minutes to process (I mean I need to rest anyway after the session, a little), and then I have homework I need to do and I want to get some more cleaning done on the apartment, I've gotten a lot done and it is looking so much better!

 

I have been through so much and fought so hard and I will continue to do so. I will heal completely and I will emerge from this stronger, more compassionate, less judgmental of others, and I will never lose the wonder and awe in the beauty of the natural world and in the even more beautiful abstract ideas arising from it.

 

But it looks like, to do so, I will have to crawl through a little more past darkness first.

 

 

If we were given degrees, awards, certificates for our accomplishment during these times of distress we would have rooms filled with plaques. We have accomplished so much and that's a fact. We are still here, standing strong and propelling ourselves forwards regardless of so much opposition. We thought we had it all sketched out until our exes decided to throw us a curve ball and that's when it was time to improvise. And we managed to accommodate and roll with the punches simultaneously licking and healing our wounds. This will be a long journey which I'm ready to accept and commit to. As we already know, it does get better and we are living proof.

[canuck03]

Shed a few tears today...

 

Just felt so lonely, looked her up on facebook, saw her picture. Just made me miss her so damn much. So many thoughts racing through my head. I don't even know what to think anymore. It's been almost 4 months...

 

Didn't contact though.

 

 

I feel like I'm moving backwards. When will this nightmare end... Feeling frustrated, lost, alone, and helpless.

[JDPT]

Be strong friend, I promise you it will get better. Recommit To NC and vigorously implement it for you and no one else.

 

 

Shed a few tears today...

 

Just felt so lonely, looked her up on facebook, saw her picture. Just made me miss her so damn much. So many thoughts racing through my head. I don't even know what to think anymore. It's been almost 4 months...

 

Didn't contact though.

 

 

I feel like I'm moving backwards. When will this nightmare end... Feeling frustrated, lost, alone, and helpless.

[canuck03]

Be strong friend, I promise you it will get better. Recommit To NC and vigorously implement it for you and no one else.

 

Haven't felt this weak in a while. I let her get to me today.

 

Thank you, I will try to move forward, one step at a time...

[JDPT]

Haven't felt this weak in a while. I let her get to me today.

 

Thank you, I will try to move forward, one step at a time...

 

We all have our ups and downs. Embrace your ups and learn from your downs. It doesn't have to be perfect, no one said it had to be. We can only try day in and day out. You will come out of this a new and improved you.