The Outlaw Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 No different than yesterday and I'll just simply leave it at that. The upside is that I'm not back at square one.
Realitysux Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 Better today. Putting my head into work. Feel supported
scooby-philly Posted May 4, 2020 Posted May 4, 2020 I wish I had answers. I wish I knew the future and could understand the past. I'm not a bad man. I'm a good man that has faults. I wish I would have known better - left previous relationships when my gut told me to initially, instead of sticking around till a messy or bad end. I am worth more than I've received. I've worth more than what I got back in relation to what I gave. I just want the little dude, the inner child, to understand. I just want to find that special someone. Not because I need them. But because I want them.
Cornholio12 Posted May 6, 2020 Posted May 6, 2020 Still in the dark about things. If that makes any sense. 1
Beachead Posted May 6, 2020 Posted May 6, 2020 (edited) Went to post something on social media today and saw a video of my ex in a post of a mutual friend's. I almost didn't recognize her. But I watched the video because I she looked familiar and she was pretty...and then I realized it was her. I've had her blocked for years apart from a momentary relapse last year in which I willingly unblocked her. But seeing her this time really upset me. It was unexpected. I wasn't even thinking about her and I hadn't been in any serious capacity for several months. But today, all the pain just rolled right back in like it was August 2017 all over again. All the pain. The anger. My heart seized up, I felt like I couldn't breathe. She looked good and happy and I felt low, and with it came rage, that I could still be affected like this..by someone who did me so wrong. It'll take a few weeks to burn this one off. Edited May 6, 2020 by Beachead
scooby-philly Posted May 6, 2020 Posted May 6, 2020 12 hours ago, Beachead said: Went to post something on social media today and saw a video of my ex in a post of a mutual friend's. I almost didn't recognize her. But I watched the video because I she looked familiar and she was pretty...and then I realized it was her. I've had her blocked for years apart from a momentary relapse last year in which I willingly unblocked her. But seeing her this time really upset me. It was unexpected. I wasn't even thinking about her and I hadn't been in any serious capacity for several months. But today, all the pain just rolled right back in like it was August 2017 all over again. All the pain. The anger. My heart seized up, I felt like I couldn't breathe. She looked good and happy and I felt low, and with it came rage, that I could still be affected like this..by someone who did me so wrong. It'll take a few weeks to burn this one off. Hang in there my friend! I'm sure it was totally unexpected and the fact that you recognize the toll it's taken on you is at least a first step. Keep doing the work. May be worth talking with someone you really trust about it. I know if I saw my most recent ex being happy and with someone and showing them affection it would really hurt me. But that's only been 8.5 months. If others I dated before somehow came into my view it wouldn't bother me, but I've totally gotten over them and have come to "terms" or understood not only why they failed but am glad they didn't work out. With the most recent ex I'm still struggling to really have my inner child see her for the immature, selfish, and inexperienced person she really is. To let the "real" her be the image in my mind instead of the "glorified" image I had built up in my head and to help my inner child remember all the frustrations, the pain she caused, the times she hurt me. So I'm in the same boat as you regarding that. Just don't run from the feeling or bury it and push it out through working too much or bad coping mechanisms.
Realitysux Posted May 6, 2020 Posted May 6, 2020 (edited) I posted about this guy at work who was angry at me last week. Since then, we have been getting on great and I wasn't ready to loose what we have going on. Today he brought in new bottles for wood glue and I broke mine right away. Instead of admitting to it, I snook into this other guys unit and broke his glue bottle too. A few minutes later the guy said my glue bottle broke and I said yes mine too. I realize I'm too old for this but I couldn't take anymore stress or drama. Edited May 6, 2020 by Realitysux
Realitysux Posted May 6, 2020 Posted May 6, 2020 (edited) 21 hours ago, Beachead said: Went to post something on social media today and saw a video of my ex in a post of a mutual friend's. I almost didn't recognize her. But I watched the video because I she looked familiar and she was pretty...and then I realized it was her. I've had her blocked for years apart from a momentary relapse last year in which I willingly unblocked her. But seeing her this time really upset me. It was unexpected. I wasn't even thinking about her and I hadn't been in any serious capacity for several months. But today, all the pain just rolled right back in like it was August 2017 all over again. All the pain. The anger. My heart seized up, I felt like I couldn't breathe. She looked good and happy and I felt low, and with it came rage, that I could still be affected like this..by someone who did me so wrong. It'll take a few weeks to burn this one off. I am so sorry for your pain today. I wish I could offer you more support! Edited May 6, 2020 by Realitysux 1
Beachead Posted May 7, 2020 Posted May 7, 2020 @Realitysux Thank you and not to worry. I'm doing better today but it'll take some time to recollect myself. Stay strong on your journey. 1
preraph Posted May 7, 2020 Posted May 7, 2020 Beachhead, you got caught by surprise. Hopefully you'll be okay once you have a little time. I hope you can avoid running across stuff like that. 1
Realitysux Posted May 7, 2020 Posted May 7, 2020 5 minutes ago, preraph said: Beachhead, you got caught by surprise. Hopefully you'll be okay once you have a little time. I hope you can avoid running across stuff like that. Sometimes these things work out for the better. 1
Beachead Posted May 7, 2020 Posted May 7, 2020 (edited) @preraph 1 hour ago, preraph said: Beachhead, you got caught by surprise. Hopefully you'll be okay once you have a little time. I hope you can avoid running across stuff like that. Thank you Preraph, I hope so too. If use a scale of 1-10 and I apply the number 1 to my state yesterday. Then this morning I was at a 2 and after a an hour of doing some photography out in my backyard, I was at a 7. So I'm recovering faster than I anticipated. It seems the time I've logged in over the years since the breakup with the clarity and wisdom I've gained is helping me along the way. It's much easier to ground myself now. If this happened 2-3 years ago, I would have been feeling the way I did yesterday..for weeks. I'll be okay. Edited May 7, 2020 by Beachead 1
preraph Posted May 7, 2020 Posted May 7, 2020 It's good that you have something like photography that lifts you up. We all need something like that to fall back on and balance us out. A lot of my fallbacks were active and now I'm old and can't do most of them. but you will be set and able to do photography for as long as you live, so that's a good passion. My best friend is also a photographer. Strictly as a hobby.
Beachead Posted May 7, 2020 Posted May 7, 2020 @preraph You must have been quite the athlete Preraph..and I agree. We all need fallbacks. That's a very interesting perspective on photography I never thought out. Photography of wildlife/plantlife is actually one of the 3 passions I turn to. The other two is staying active at the gym and Music (Both teaching it as well as creating my own). All three help tremendously. 2
Justina-justina Posted May 7, 2020 Posted May 7, 2020 These past two days I feel better than 3 weeks straight before that. Started CBT, it allready helps with my ruminating habits that made me feel like my brain is in pain... doing writing excercises everyday. I think about him less , but it's like also at the same time I feel fear to think about him, because I'm afraid of the pain that those thoughts bring up. Mailed him his key this week. Once I receive mine - the chapter is closed completelly. 2
Realitysux Posted May 7, 2020 Posted May 7, 2020 3 hours ago, Justina-justina said: These past two days I feel better than 3 weeks straight before that. Started CBT, it allready helps with my ruminating habits that made me feel like my brain is in pain... doing writing excercises everyday. I think about him less , but it's like also at the same time I feel fear to think about him, because I'm afraid of the pain that those thoughts bring up. Mailed him his key this week. Once I receive mine - the chapter is closed completelly. You shouldn't be afraid to feel the pain at any time. That's how you process it and move on. This is a great forum for writing when your emotions become too uncomfortable and reading the other posts. We got you! . 1
preraph Posted May 7, 2020 Posted May 7, 2020 10 hours ago, Beachead said: @preraph You must have been quite the athlete Preraph..and I agree. We all need fallbacks. That's a very interesting perspective on photography I never thought out. Photography of wildlife/plantlife is actually one of the 3 passions I turn to. The other two is staying active at the gym and Music (Both teaching it as well as creating my own). All three help tremendously. The two great loves of my life are animals and music, so we have that in common. Unfortunately I don't get to spend a lot of time with music anymore. When I'm at home I'm usually working and I work with audio, and I can't hardly go to concerts because I just don't walk very well. And for it to be gratifying to me I kind of have to be all in or I just feel nostalgic.
Justina-justina Posted May 8, 2020 Posted May 8, 2020 Feel a little bit stronger everyday. Feel a little bit like a robot, able to function, but empty inside. I realised, that most of the saddness and pain I feel is related to the disappointment that it didnt work out and things ended up being not how I expected and blaming myself for it, not so much that I miss some specific, unique aspect of our connection. Since he never really opened up, I have no clue what it might have ment to him or where he is at right now. I'm commited to shift my focus to what is NOW, even though its not perfect, but at least it is real and I can do something about it. 2
Ekaj Posted May 8, 2020 Posted May 8, 2020 Really struggling today. Anxiety has been through the roof and I just want out. Keep going over and over what I did wrong in the relationship. 1
Beachead Posted May 8, 2020 Posted May 8, 2020 @preraph On 5/7/2020 at 10:27 AM, preraph said: The two great loves of my life are animals and music, so we have that in common. Unfortunately I don't get to spend a lot of time with music anymore. When I'm at home I'm usually working and I work with audio, and I can't hardly go to concerts because I just don't walk very well. And for it to be gratifying to me I kind of have to be all in or I just feel nostalgic. Oh that's fantastic to hear, though I'm sorry to hear that you can't go to concerts as often. What kind of work do you do with audio? Thank you for the support.
preraph Posted May 8, 2020 Posted May 8, 2020 Oh, it's just a bunch of legal typing. It's slow right now, but I was lucky it stayed good until this week during this mess, I guess.
Realitysux Posted May 8, 2020 Posted May 8, 2020 (edited) I should probably go NC and spend the weekend reading. I'll gather my thoughts and then post my honest feelings about it. Edited May 8, 2020 by Realitysux Less is more
Realitysux Posted May 9, 2020 Posted May 9, 2020 Quote Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt. 1
Justina-justina Posted May 9, 2020 Posted May 9, 2020 Today feels melancholic. Thinking about everything again, flashbacks from the past, his face, some nice little details.. maybe cause Im little hangover today. On the positive side going for bicycle ride with my girlfriends and just bought fresh strawberries, that we gonna eat. Very hard, but will try to be present. Hugs to everybody
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