How are you coping today?

[Beachead]

@Realitysux

Beach here.  I sent you a PM.  You can respond here or there, doesn't matter.  Whats up?

[Realitysux]

52 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@Realitysux

Beach here.  I sent you a PM.  You can respond here or there, doesn't matter.  Whats up?

I messaged you back. This guy hacked me 7 years ago when he made me an indeed account. Since then I endured a lot and he told me to move on. He said I need to find someone to share the same experience and reciprocate feelings. I thought they were gone but I wasn't sure. When he set me up the dating profile, he had to log into my email to confirm it. I checked my log in and the only log in I had that day was from my phone so I have been hacked. I feel so crazy right now. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do anything and I just want to yell at them and tell them how angry I am. They don't care. On top of that, I'm making a big commitment and I'm feeling anxiety over the amount of work I set myself up for. I'll do it but it's going to be a lot of work. 

I'm crazy and I just want to lay down in my bed and have the privacy to work through this and get back to living my life. I feel so gross 

Edited April 5, 2020 by Realitysux

[The Outlaw]

@Realitysux, I don't know your story but no matter what they may think, hell, yell anyway. Last week I sent a message to someone who just left me hanging high and dry three years ago that honestly didn't deserve it but I sent her a message anyway wishing her well during this pandemic and kept it short, sweet and to the point. It maybe one sided but try to give yourself some closure even if you hear nothing back from them. It's worth a shot. 

[Realitysux]

20 minutes ago, American Outlaw said:

@Realitysux, I don't know your story but no matter what they may think, hell, yell anyway. Last week I sent a message to someone who just left me hanging high and dry three years ago that honestly didn't deserve it but I sent her a message anyway wishing her well during this pandemic and kept it short, sweet and to the point. It maybe one sided but try to give yourself some closure even if you hear nothing back from them. It's worth a shot. 

No, I'm starting to think he likes my emails. He's sick and I feel horrid today. No one who cares about your well being would ever do that to you. I need to ignore him until he goes away and call the cops if he comes near me.

[Realitysux]

58 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

No, I'm starting to think he likes my emails. He's sick and I feel horrid today. No one who cares about your well being would ever do that to you. I need to ignore him until he goes away and call the cops if he comes near me.

I feel sick like I've been eating the same bad food until I'm sick. I feel anxious, and needy, and embarrassed, humiliated, weak, stupid, shallow, desperate, I feel sick! I have to treat this like I am recovering from food poisoning and throw the food into the trash like @Beachead said  I feel terrible that so many people participated and it's time for me to focus on work. Work is stressful and challenging in itself. What if they hacked other people? Its not my problem and who cares what they think! I was horrible in this too. I don't blame the guy for not liking me but I blame him for everything else he did. 

Edited April 6, 2020 by Realitysux

[Realitysux]

I feel so sick .. I want to pack the house and move to a new city and start over. I don't actually like my job. I was trying to but I actually hate it. I'm going to do it. I'm not going to quit. We're esential construction so we have work but I think I wanted to have a skill that I just took this one on. I hate that I never know what's going on because I'm a women! I don't want my food business either .. I think I'm going to move out of the city. I have to do it! I'll get used to this new life in time. It's annoying doing trim all day though. It's the same layout on 21 floors. You get sick of it after a while. I hate this guy more then I hate my job. I'd rather kill myself doing construction then read what he has to say about anything. I'm never allowing him to get to me again. I am glad I left this guy. He is selfish. He is a very selfish person so I feel sorry for his girlfriend .. that should drive me. Being single means these men are not my problem! 

Edited April 6, 2020 by Realitysux

[Realitysux]

Or I will just do it. Imagine I'm doing a bid and there are tons of contractors there and I'm really fit and in really good shape and I drive in with my pick up truck and win the bid. That would be fun and work isn't always fun it just had it's fun moments! It's work. It's just work 

[The Outlaw]

Pretty fly for a Monday all things considered. I'm a little better. Any progress is better than none. 

[scooby-philly]

Was hopeful and feeling ready for the week and for a ton of stuff I have to get done. Then a slight dip and I've spent the past two hours just feeling like s***, sitting here, not getting anything done. Ugh.

[Beachead]

@scooby-philly

You know what to do friend.    

[scooby-philly]

@Beachead - You know, sometimes I wish I did now. 7.5 months - it's really starting to wear on me. I guess I have to go back into the darkness and really pull my little dude out. This is getting ridiculous. My self-worth, my self-love, my potential value to others - friends, co-workers, employees, a romantic partner, family, etc., should not be tied to one person. Nor should I feel bad about getting hurt. I was my best and I gave my all. Just need to let the tears come, and then propel myself up and forward.

[The Outlaw]

@scooby-philly, you know I don't post too much here anymore but I think you're doing better overall. 

[scooby-philly]

I am. Don't get me wrong, @American Outlaw. I just want to get to a point where I'm not swinging up and down once or twice a day. And I have a lot I want to do so I need my little dude to let go of the final straws and trust in me.

[Difficultstuff]

Hey @scooby-philly Followed you here from the other post we were commenting. If it helps, I've appreciated reading your posts today. My story's a bit different, but the age gap was similar, 13 years, so that was an issue. And I've spent a lot of time thinking I should have known better and not got involved at all, should have learned better from past mistakes etc. But I also hold on to the idea sometimes that life is a spiral - we come back to a similar position or same issues on a vertical line, but maybe we're at a different, higher level of insight - or the universe is forcing us to get there, whether we want to or not. Hope that's not too abstract.

I like also how you describe looking out for the 'little dude'. It's an idea I've heard before but something I've forgotten to do for myself recently - little Difficultstuff is needing my attention right now too.

[Realitysux]

I felt psycotic all morning. How could you form an oppinion of someone by hacking them? I felt icky ... but ... then I remembered why I was in this situation in the first place and what I need to do for myself. Then the next thing you know, I was banging out trim and I finished a large room in 27 minutes. Cuts and all and the floor was uneven. It made my coworker happy since it was just him and I and I felt good about myself. We cracked some jokes, mainly I cracked them and he laughed which also made me feel like we have a good thing going. I'm working with him again tomorrow. I'm meeting him in the morning and we're making our way over to another job together. We finished all the work we can do at this one today. It's a start 

Edited April 6, 2020 by Realitysux

[Cornholio12]

Better overall but half dead from the lack of sleep lately. 

[Beachead]

@scooby-philly

2 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

@Beachead - This is getting ridiculous. My self-worth, my self-love, my potential value to others - friends, co-workers, employees, a romantic partner, family, etc., should not be tied to one person. Nor should I feel bad about getting hurt. 

Remember to be gentle with yourself.  7.5 months is solid.  You've clocked some time in.  You've gained some clarity.   You're better than you were around month 1 or 2.  You've got acknowledge that progress and be proud of it.  Be okay admitting to yourself  " I'll heal when I heal."  It takes the pressure off. 

When my last relationship ended, I was a disaster.   But I took my ego and chucked it out the window.  Didn't even care how anyone else thought about how I should feel.  Everybody's expectations, including my own were irrelevant because when I looked at my situation, I was the one who lived it.   I was the one who took risk.  I was the one who fell hard and I was the one who hoped.  I was the one who spent my time and my energy and I was the one who ended up with nobody, again.  I was the one who had to absorb the heavy impact that loss had on my pre-existing weaknesses/insecurities..and man was it ever hard.  I  was the one who gave it a shot for a reason and that reason was important to me.  She meant something to me and the time I spent with her meant something to me.  So I'm going to take as long as I feel like it and nobody gets to tell me what I should do or how to feel about it.  I can't tell you how therapeutic doing that for myself was.

This person meant something to you.  The time you invested and what it meant to you is unique to you so when it ended, it meant something.   So, you're going to be hurt and you'll get better when you get better.  Don't let your ego attempt to conform you to some kind of standard of how you should or shouldn't be.  You should or shouldn't be anything.  Yes its good to set yourself to a standard and try to aspire to it but also know you feel how you feel and you're not always in control of that. While we can journal and work our thoughts out and build our post-breakup life through new workplaces, new activities, travelling etc.  to cope..ultimately, our grief is a process at the mercy of time.  Don't be so hard on yourself.

You're going to come out of this, a better version of yourself but for the time being, but its okay not to be okay.  Nothing wrong with that at all.  

- Beach

 

[2BGoodAgain]

with the whole coronavirus going around... my thoughts wandered to her for the past few days... i hated myself for it... i realize it's been 5 months since NC... and.. though i'm not hurting in pain or can't seem to think anything but her... i hate myself for the moments when my thoughts do wander to her.. what she's doing... how she's coping or how well she's doing with whomever she's with... sigh...

99.9% of my waking moments, i'm alright... i'm even alright when my mind wanders here abit or there a bit, but when it lingers like this, where i get distracted... i really dislike this powerless side of me, b/c i've never thought of myself as powerless..  everyone has a choice in what they do... it may be a hell of a sucky ass choice, but you still got one...

to find myself lingering in thoughts of her, is.. infuriating that someone who cares so little for me has this much of an effect on my heart and mind... it mindnumbingly pisses me off.

Other than that one bit... my life is better than expected. though, i miss the addictive feeling of someone who is totally into you... but i realize, that someone being intensely into you.. is that real or just fantasy? I always strived to be in a relationship where you can't help how you feel about that person...  i wonder if that's the high, i was so addicted to with her? and everything else compared seems lackluster?

of course, if i was being fair, she was also insanely crazy... unstable at times...never satisfied with whatever blessings she had, when angered, cruel to the point where it shocked even my own sensibilities... is that intense chemistry worth all the negatives that come with it?

That's where i am right now... 

Edited April 7, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

[scooby-philly]

3 hours ago, Difficultstuff said:

Hey @scooby-philly Followed you here from the other post we were commenting. If it helps, I've appreciated reading your posts today. My story's a bit different, but the age gap was similar, 13 years, so that was an issue. And I've spent a lot of time thinking I should have known better and not got involved at all, should have learned better from past mistakes etc. But I also hold on to the idea sometimes that life is a spiral - we come back to a similar position or same issues on a vertical line, but maybe we're at a different, higher level of insight - or the universe is forcing us to get there, whether we want to or not. Hope that's not too abstract.

I like also how you describe looking out for the 'little dude'. It's an idea I've heard before but something I've forgotten to do for myself recently - little Difficultstuff is needing my attention right now too.

Well - people tell me they find my writing style blunt, honest, helpful, and humorous, so always glad to get a fan! 

 

If you're 42 that would make her 29. I've met and heard about plenty of people with 10-12 (borderline 13) year age gaps that work out wonderfully. Particularly if the "younger' party is over 24/25 and has some dating experience prior, has a good sense of self, knows what they want out of a life and a partner already, and is emotionally mature and healthy. You cannot regret getting involved or falling in love. If you said she was 14 I'd be worried. At 29, even today, most people should have an idea of who they are and what they want. Now since a lot of people either aren't allowed to date in high school or college (small number) or they're so used to casual flings - running away the second something gets tough or the other person develops some "need" and the "situationship" can go on in the same meaningless way forever, they don't develop the same skill set that people back in the day (and I'm not attacking younger people. I'm "first year" millennial) learned because they didn't have as many options or ways to meet different people (they did, but they didn't know it most of the time). Now, on the flip side, they have a lot of advantages that previous generations did not across the board, but in terms of "working hard", developing "relationship skills", so many don't have that any more - even with older people I meet. The heart does what it wants to do. While you may have wanted something forever and something "real", when push came to shove (and I'm sorry I don't know your story really) it didn't work out - but at the time, whatever you were "getting" from the relationship was more powerful than the red flags, your gut, your instinct, your rational mind that may all have been saying "this ain't cutting it". In the end, it wasn't just the age for you. It was the age and any problems you had and the problems she had and the combined problems you put together that caused the relationship to fail in the long run. I know people, even today, who are marrying at 22, 24 and they're happy and content 5 years, 10 years later (or they're at least living together in a monogamous relationship and happy and content). Life is also "chance". We don't like to admit that but chance does play a part in it. Particularly, I think, in finding the "right one". I believe good men need to learn more self-worth and it's not about us not being able to find a date (well, for most of us) - but of knowing when to leave or to force an issue and either say - x or I'm out. 

For me, as I've openly shared on here - I've had 3 long-term relationships. I didn't date really in high school and college because of poor low self-esteem and body image. I was born with a facial birth defect and was teased remorselessly and bullied in school. So I didn't start really dating until I was in my late 20s. Got into my first ltr one or two months shy of 30. If you give me 8 years back (starting at 22), or 12 (starting at 18)  I'm more like a 26-30 yr old in terms of my dating experience....which isn't too bad. The overall problem in my life has been shame and fear of abandonment. They've made me feel less powerful than I am, give up my wants, needs, ideas, hopes, and joys at different times in my life in different ways, and I've settled - romantically, with friends, with family members - because I didn't know I could build the life I wanted to and make new friends and meet "the one" along the way if I was being authentically myself and honoring that "little dude" as I call him. So I've learned the hard way - dated someone 2 years older who was bitter, un-affectionate, not sexual like me, and who had no opinion when others sounded disagreement or disapproval. Or more to the point she was still waiting for parental approval at 33. Dated a complete psychopath (and um, like other women called her that, not bashing the gender  ). And now this one (with a bunch of short-medium term in between. I thought I had found the "one". We talked about the future more than even with my ex-fiancee (#1 on list) and were way more compatible on most fronts. But I still wasn't getting my needs met, still pushed my wants and life to the side, and at the end of the day it was really a game to her as she was incapable of ever telling her parents about me - one of those people (like me I guess at 20) - who couldn't live their own life and just be them damn selves. Maybe a bit of karma for me to remind myself to do better next time because I've grown so much. And no matter how much I tried, no matter what I did, and no matter how patient, loving, supportive, etc. I was - it didn't matter in the end and nothing would have changed the outcome - cause while I'm not perfect....I'm not a bad catch and overall I am a pretty "good man" (different than being a "nice guy") and I deserve as much as I give. 

As for the "little dude" - I'm not an expert by any stretch. In fact, I want to find a good (readable) book or two on the "inner child" concept. What I've found online is fascinating. It explains so much about why our hearts/wants are not aligned (or controllable often by) with our minds. And it speaks to the fact that I have legitimate wants/needs that make me who I am, make me feel alive, and bring me joy and happiness and quite frankly, I'm a pretty simple and basic and unassuming guy. And I like the concept because it helps me learn how to do positive self-talk in a way that's helpful and meaningful to me. And it also helps me positively reinforce the fact that I will, I hope and pray, be a great dad one day (if I can ever find someone....okay - just a little self-deprecation - not serious people :0> ) And (and I'll respond to my buddy Beachead's comment momentarily) it helps me forgive myself and realize that at the end of the day, I'm just a person who wanted to be loved and to love someone in return and that I tried my best and gave everything I could given the dynamic of the relationship and also what I was given back (or working with) by my ex. So...if one tower of the bridge is weak in the foundation, the road can (and did) buckle between us. 

 

I get the analogy about the spiral - for me, I think something else would do. Not that I'm right and your wrong. Your point is 100% spot on - for me I would want to find something like digging for a broken water main or something (haven't thought about a good one for this yet). Often when a relationship (of any kind) fails we think we're open to learning, growing, etc. And may people do. But many people only grow superficially if they do grow or the grow here and there but not there and here. At the end of the day, the healing process (if done correctly and we're open to it (unfortunately most people can't get that deep within themselves)) is about coming back to identify the true source of a our pain, the true thing(s) driving the bad decisions or skewed vision or impulses we have. Like an addict that has to hit absolute rock bottom before they can stop the addiction - but the rock bottom has to include understanding the true, lowest level "why".  Not saying it will lead us to enlightenment like Buddha. And it won't necessarily take the pain away - but we can learn to understand what drives us, we can find better, healthier, and/or different ways of satisfying those needs, and we can, hopefully, avoid making similar poor choices again.

[scooby-philly]

2 hours ago, Beachead said:

@scooby-philly

Remember to be gentle with yourself.  7.5 months is solid.  You've clocked some time in.  You've gained some clarity.   You're better than you were around month 1 or 2.  You've got acknowledge that progress and be proud of it.  Be okay admitting to yourself  " I'll heal when I heal."  It takes the pressure off. 

When my last relationship ended, I was a disaster.   But I took my ego and chucked it out the window.  Didn't even care how anyone else thought about how I should feel.  Everybody's expectations, including my own were irrelevant because when I looked at my situation, I was the one who lived it.   I was the one who took risk.  I was the one who fell hard and I was the one who hoped.  I was the one who spent my time and my energy and I was the one who ended up with nobody, again.  I was the one who had to absorb the heavy impact that loss had on my pre-existing weaknesses/insecurities..and man was it ever hard.  I  was the one who gave it a shot for a reason and that reason was important to me.  She meant something to me and the time I spent with her meant something to me.  So I'm going to take as long as I feel like it and nobody gets to tell me what I should do or how to feel about it.  I can't tell you how therapeutic doing that for myself was.

This person meant something to you.  The time you invested and what it meant to you is unique to you so when it ended, it meant something.   So, you're going to be hurt and you'll get better when you get better.  Don't let your ego attempt to conform you to some kind of standard of how you should or shouldn't be.  You should or shouldn't be anything.  Yes its good to set yourself to a standard and try to aspire to it but also know you feel how you feel and you're not always in control of that. While we can journal and work our thoughts out and build our post-breakup life through new workplaces, new activities, travelling etc.  to cope..ultimately, our grief is a process at the mercy of time.  Don't be so hard on yourself.

You're going to come out of this, a better version of yourself but for the time being, but its okay not to be okay.  Nothing wrong with that at all.  

- Beach

 

Beachead my friend - always timely and always on point!

 

I am being very gentle with myself. If I opened up my to-do list from October/November of last year and compared it to today's - boy - a lot of s*** would still be sitting there. I'm not one of those people who can't wait. (Okay - I'm impatient in line and while driving, but surprisingly not with life overall lol). I completely understand and agree with your points. Oh - I've gained a lot of clarity - about myself, my last ex, other exes, friendships, family, life events, and I've also gained a lot clarity about life, career, etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm not beating myself up. I am and have been practicing gentleness and patience and I am surprised by how much I've shown myself in the past 5 months (first two and half months don't count cause I was a wreck lol). It was just a thought I had earlier. I know where I want to go, what I want to do, how I want my life to look (and I'm 50-70% of the way there already) - it's just that sudden feeling of "man...."are you done yet"...." done in jest but truly done in love and support of the child inside of us. And I guess the reason behind why it's taken me a lot longer to move on is two things - I really, truly gave it my best this time and became vulnerable and did everything right (you know what I mean by that) and it wasn't good enough, but secondarily, this time around in the healing process I'm letting myself voice things that I didn't give myself permission to voice in the past when other things ended. Most importantly the "why" - why am I not good enough for someone, why do i love people way more than they love me, and why is my life this way when I've always tried to do the right thing and also tried to be a good man. Voicing that voice that so many others voice so freely - "where's mine?". What others take for granted or as a right, I struggle for. What others seem to get effortlessly or never lose - I can't seem to hold onto. So letting those feelings out fully for the first time in my life, realizing that I've given so much and asked for so little in return, lessened my value, lessened my self-worth, acted like a dog begging for piece of scrap from the table - yeah - it's all coming out now and it's all good. And yeah - that's how I've been feeling for 7.5 months - I'm the one who gave 95% in the last relationship, I'm the one who sacrificed, who paid for most things, who rearranged their schedule, who put up with immaturity and emotional issues, etc. And yeah - I'm the one left holding the check. And don't get me wrong - trust me, learning my lessons about a lot of those things and I'm not, by any stretch of Donald Trump's imagination, thinking my s*** don't stink or what not. But - it's okay to feel that way for now because I need to feel in order to truly heal, in order to move in, and in order to build the life (and live the life) I want to. And 100% agree - I'm not putting a timetable on it and I'm 95% better than I was in late September or early October when I first messaged you privately. More than anything else I'm okay with having no social life in order to heal. But I'd like to get it to a point where I can work and it doesn't affect me then. I know....it's not something I can control. But a fella can dream can't he? And your line is ironic because someone I've gotten to know a  little bit on the career side in the past few years uses a line (she's a career coach) - "everything's not alright, and that's alright".   

[Realitysux]

The coping forum has a bit more activity through the virus. I think we're all going through it. It was so hurtful now that I look back on conversations with this women. He had real people involved to try and get me to block him and move on. I feel so angry at everyone who participated. I accept I am alone and how I'm feeling. If I didn't then it would not change how I'm feeling and being honest is the only way I'm going to accept it and start feeling better. It was so confusing. He was talking about reconnecting but in a way that snaps me into reality and makes me move on. It was really hurtful and at times I want revenge but I'm not really that type of person. I'm letting it burn and hopefully when this is all over, I can take some steps and feel better overall .. I really hate that this happened to me! It definitely feels awful. The reason why they tell you to date guys is so someone reciprocates and the heartache is done with the last person. I do get it but probably best not to do that. 

Edited April 7, 2020 by Realitysux

[Difficultstuff]

@scooby-philly Reading what you wrote reminds me of a story my therapist told me years back. I think he'd heard it at some point when working with indigenous people in South America:

There's a child, maybe very young. Let's say a boy in this case. He looks at his parents and the world around him and realises that they're not capable of loving him for who they are, but only for what they want or need him to be.

Now that hurts, and makes him feel ashamed, but the child has to survive, has to keep the parents safe because they're the only support he has. So he takes a blanket and wraps up all his or his uniqueness and love and joy and wonder inside it. Then he finds a place he'll remember, takes the blanket there, digs a hole and buries it, so he can retrieve it later, when he's more strong.

Over time, though, he maybe forgets that all this ever happened. Then, years later, something happens to remind him. The universe starts calling on him to make a journey, and he finally realises it's safe to go back and reclaim and accept those parts of himself he had to hide. He becomes able to accept the child he was in his entirety, and move on as an adult while caring for the child in a way that those around him couldn't before.

*

For me, as someone who grew up with tremendous shame, and experienced abandonment in many forms, including physical violence, that story sometimes helps me realign with myself as a 8, 9 or 10 year-old - or even as a much younger boy. Though I've come to realise that retrieving the blanket isn't a one-time event, but something that needs doing continuously as life unfolds.

Anyway, these are just some thoughts to help me remember to take care of myself today.

[scooby-philly]

@Difficultstuff - Agree with your analogy 110% - and what a great story! And yes - we need to care for ourselves every day - even if just a little bit her and a little bit there.

[MeadowFlower]

I want things to be sorted. And I want to be back to how it was before. 

[2BGoodAgain]

20 hours ago, Realitysux said:

The coping forum has a bit more activity through the virus. I think we're all going through it. It was so hurtful now that I look back on conversations with this women. He had real people involved to try and get me to block him and move on. I feel so angry at everyone who participated. I accept I am alone and how I'm feeling. If I didn't then it would not change how I'm feeling and being honest is the only way I'm going to accept it and start feeling better. It was so confusing. He was talking about reconnecting but in a way that snaps me into reality and makes me move on. It was really hurtful and at times I want revenge but I'm not really that type of person. I'm letting it burn and hopefully when this is all over, I can take some steps and feel better overall .. I really hate that this happened to me! It definitely feels awful. The reason why they tell you to date guys is so someone reciprocates and the heartache is done with the last person. I do get it but probably best not to do that. 

short term gain, long term... misery.

you're right, it's better to not get over someone by dating someone new.... it's only a short term band aid.. the problem, the hurt, the anger is still there....