How are you coping today?

[K.K.]

I’m finding myself in a very restless mood today. It’s raining and the streets are almost empty. Everything is quiet and still like when it first snows and there’s no one anywhere. I miss people watching. I miss driving in the sunshine. I miss a lot of things. 

[Beachead]

1 hour ago, K.K. said:

I’m finding myself in a very restless mood today. It’s raining and the streets are almost empty. Everything is quiet and still like when it first snows and there’s no one anywhere. I miss people watching. I miss driving in the sunshine. I miss a lot of things. 

Might be a good time to practice how we approach circumstances that are out of our control.  We can't change what's happening, so we have to change how we perceive it, how we react to it, and approach it.  Maybe a way to do that is to view this downtime not as a trap that's keeping us from doing certain things, but as an opportunity to get caught up on things we've been putting off or been wanting to do for awhile.  The kind of things that we can take care at home, but will still help us get to where we're going in our life-plan.  And if we don't have a plan or if we don't know what those things are to help us on our plan, maybe then, what's need is a little introspection via journaling.

 

[Realitysux]

It's not good .. worst I've been in a long time. Have to push myself to work tomorrow. Could stay in bed for days 

[Beachead]

29 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

It's not good .. worst I've been in a long time. Have to push myself to work tomorrow. Could stay in bed for days 

Any particular things in your day to day routine you look forward to?

[MeadowFlower]

So today I got engaged to my darling. It was so unexpected but sweet. 

 

.......April Fool's

 

[scooby-philly]

22 hours ago, AIJ said:

Really beginning to struggle again. 

I also feel like there's a pattern/trend regarding breakups. I'm not sure if it's just me, but it seems as though there's a lot more men that struggle to move on and also a lot of the 'success stories' in terms of moving on almost always come as a result of meeting someone new. It's always 'I promise it gets better blablabla I struggled so much blablabla then I met this great guy/girl!'. It's so frustrating. 

I really was beginning to make a good amount of progress in my healing. I had a lot going on, I was incredibly busy with work, gym, University, football etc. and now that is all dead in the water. I have a lot of assignments still to complete but I am seriously struggling to motivate myself and focus. It has been almost 3 months and yet I still think about her almost constantly. 

Agreed with @Beachead - I've gotten better without or before jumping into a new relationship. There's plenty of literature out there about why it's important not to jump from one relationship to another and plenty of threads and posters on here that would caution you from dating anyone that jumps from one to another. 

I think men struggle because, for a lot of us on here, we weren't taught to value ourselves and there's so much negative commentary and content out there about how awful men are - that we only push our needs/wants further down in order to avoid any semblance of being a male pig. And while our sexual needs are part of that I also mean other stuff that men want - a sense of appreciation, being given affection/attention, etc. And because we're more susceptible (I think) to self-pressure and shame if we're single - especially as we get older, because the assumption is if we're past a certain age and single there's something wrong with us - when quite frankly the only major thing "wrong" with a lot of us is actually dating the wrong people and valuing ourselves more.

And it will get better - I think the trick is to go through the darkness and to write/talk things out. It's been over 7 months for me and yeah, I still think about here several times a day - maybe a dozen or more. But just last night and this morning in messaging someone on here I realized - the image that's stuck in my mind, the reason my inner child (or little dude as I call him) is still clinging to this picture of her is that I was finally able to open up and be myself and be vulnerable in the last realtionship and was also in real deep love and while the pain of losing that is terrible - he's clinging not because she was perfect, he's clinging and ignoring all the bad things because he's not sure he can get that love/attention/affection moving forward. Part of my recovery has been to give him as much love/positive self-talk and also not to rush him. And part of it is just time. If I can get him comfortable to a point where I can be living life and find that equilibrium and rediscover the joy without sinking once a day or several times a week into depression that will help him let go and eventually I will find someone else - and as I just said to beachead in a private message - my only hope/fear/wish is that in the future, I do not let him get fixated on someone so much that I (the adult, rational, educated person) ignore red flags or my gut feelings just to keep him satisfied with a little bit of affection.

[Realitysux]

Connecting is so painful but I found someone that is descent .. he's not going to rock my world or anything but he will help me start to connect with people who aren't associated to this guy. He's not a nice person because he knew if was hurting me and he still did it and his constant presence made it impossible to move on! Once I heal, I'm scared to like a man again. This hurt a lot.. 

Edited April 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Realitysux]

I'm doing okay. I thought something was wrong with me and things would never return to normal for me. I felt so humiliated and depressed but then I checked my email log in and I was definitely hacked. The day they set me up with a dating profile, there was no other log in but they had to access my email to confirm the account. I went and set one up to see the steps. The interests on this profile weirded me out a bit but I still thought this person was much cooler then I was. He was only trying to get me to block him because I was responding to this. What really got to me was the real people and I used to think about how everyone else was inside and knew what was happening but me. I don't really care about them at all and I would never personally do this to anyone since it is really hard to put behind you. The fact I end up all alone but then in time I can change that. Aside from a bit of texting back and forth, really not in the mood to socialize and i m more focused on finding a better house. 

 

At work yesterday, my coworker was really supportive. It was really sweet and the guy just melts my heart. All my coworkers are. I still have issues motivating myself and I'll probably feel empty and humiliated for a little bit but it doesn't bother me that this guys leaving at all. I really believe in a few months I'll be in a better place.

Edited April 2, 2020 by Realitysux

[Realitysux]

The key to recovery is to find your own life that makes you happy. The minute you find that, you really do stop caring about anybody else! I would say keep searching until you find it. Then when you do, it's easier to love your life without anybody in it! I'm probably going to stop posting now and just go back to lurking. I may slip up though. If I end up back here then don't hold it against me! 

[scooby-philly]

Saw a comic on FB just now from a series my ex used to send me. Doesn't bother me. Maybe my little dude is finally letting go? Hope so. Once this virus passes and life gets back to quasi  normal I deserve to be free and find better. 

[MeadowFlower]

Imagine having a friend like this. Someone who actually likes me. That in itself would be lovely. Someone who is loyal, and willingly so, not out of duty. Someone where there is no question if they are my friend or not. Someone who is interested in me. A real friend. 

Edited April 3, 2020 by MeadowFlower

[basil67]

@MeadowFlower I just read a lovely novel about a lonely woman and what happened when friendship was given to her.   It's 'Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine' by Gail Honeyman.   Best thing I've read in ages.  Perhaps it will strike a chord with you?

[Beachead]

3 hours ago, Realitysux said:

The key to recovery is to find your own life that makes you happy. The minute you find that, you really do stop caring about anybody else! I would say keep searching until you find it. Then when you do, it's easier to love your life without anybody in it! I'm probably going to stop posting now and just go back to lurking. I may slip up though. If I end up back here then don't hold it against me! 

Absolutely.  Its okay to acknowledge that we have desires and wants. Its okay to feel like sh*t sometimes.  That's not weakness.  That's being human.  That's living.  But at the same time, its important not be held hostage by it.   We are and should be more more than just someone's significant other.  That we are our own person  and regardless of whether we were with someone else, we should always have goals and aspirations and dreams for ourself.   Passion and commitment to that path will lead to accomplishment and accomplishment which will show us why everything we ever struggled with, mattered.  All the development happens on the journey.  That'll be when we'll find the answers we're looking for.  I have absolute faith in that.

Anyway, message when you need to but for the time being, stay strong.

- Beach

Edited April 3, 2020 by Beachead

[Realitysux]

9 hours ago, Beachead said:

Absolutely.  Its okay to acknowledge that we have desires and wants. Its okay to feel like sh*t sometimes.  That's not weakness.  That's being human.  That's living.  But at the same time, its important not be held hostage by it.   We are and should be more more than just someone's significant other.  That we are our own person  and regardless of whether we were with someone else, we should always have goals and aspirations and dreams for ourself.   Passion and commitment to that path will lead to accomplishment and accomplishment which will show us why everything we ever struggled with, mattered.  All the development happens on the journey.  That'll be when we'll find the answers we're looking for.  I have absolute faith in that.

Anyway, message when you need to but for the time being, stay strong.

- Beach

Thank you @Beachead. I did desire this person but he told me to move on. When someone tells you to move on, you let them go and move on! I just don't want to move on to another person right now because I finally, after 5 years in this City, figured it out. I'm not going to stop him from finding his soul mate but he shouldn't try to assist me since he doesn't have his facts straight and he doesn't know what's going on! The advice his friends give me is questionable. This guy has cat fished me, hacked me, and told me to move on! Yet he also writes about marriage and changing my views on life. It sounds confusing but despite the fact I have some issues right now, this did happen. The fact I do care about this person to a degree, I feel kind of bad about the way I treated him. I recognize the good things this person did bit I let my head get carried away and I fantasized to the point where reality didn't seem quite as good. I let my thoughts get to carried away and the conversations in my head and the next thing you know, I have no desire to move on and live life. I neglect everyone in my life. I am the hardest person on the planet to connect with because I was so consumed by this! Naturally, it's going to take a little bit of time to put it behind me. To the point it stops effecting me anyways. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping it to myself. 

Edited April 3, 2020 by Realitysux

[amaysngrace]

I have a new man that I’ve been in contact with (not physical contact, obviously) but he’s someone I use to work with.  

My last day he carried all the things I packed up from my office out to my car for me and then we swapped numbers because he said when this is all over he wanted to take me out.

He’s a gentlemen and a sweetheart but a total manly man all at the same time.  

He’s just my type

[amaysngrace]

I’m sorry @Realitysux

i read your posts after I already posted about my new man, I wasn’t trying to be insensitive to your pain and don’t want for you to think that I was

[amaysngrace]

Oh crap, I posted in the wrong thread.

I thought this was the how are you managing through coronavirus thread.

I’m sorry everybody

[Beachead]

@Realitysux

You sound aware of yourself and determined to get out of your situation; two very necessary ingredients for change.  I like it.

5 hours ago, Realitysux said:

Thank you @Beachead. I did desire this person but he told me to move on. When someone tells you to move on, you let them go and move on! I just don't want to move on to another person right now because I finally, after 5 years in this City, figured it out. I'm not going to stop him from finding his soul mate but he shouldn't try to assist me since he doesn't have his facts straight and he doesn't know what's going on! The advice his friends give me is questionable. This guy has cat fished me, hacked me, and told me to move on! Yet he also writes about marriage and changing my views on life. It sounds confusing but despite the fact I have some issues right now, this did happen. 

You know, sometimes moving passed something is as simple as letting it be.  Sometimes its just about acknowledging mistakes were made on both ends and there's no going back to fix it.  Can't turn back the clock.  All you can do is try and learn from those mistakes, squeeze out the wisdom from it, and do better tomorrow.  That's how you right the wrongs and do right by yourself, for yourself.   And as long as you are making a genuine effort to improve (Which you'll know in your heart if you are or aren't) ..and then forgive yourself.

We all have the potential to change..it just isn't easy as all things worth having, never are.   Change requires us to acknowledge our hand in the quality of our life and then requires motivation, a plan and daily work towards said plan.   Your own mind and the rest of the world is going to try and derail you off your path.  People are going to try and discourage people.  Things are going to happen to you to upset you.   Your counter to that is being knowing yourself and being aware.  When you know yourself, your emotions won't catch you offguard.  A bad day won't last forever for example.   It means you know what you need and you know what you don't need.  It means you can pick out who's good for you and who isn't. When to walk away.  When to stick around.   When to give yourself space.  When to surround yourself with people.  When to push forward and take a risk or when to step back etc.    So know yourself so that you can keep yourself balanced as you execute your plan.  Change will follow.

To make that clear for yourself, help yourself by writing.  I've always preached that on here.  If someone makes you feel good, what about them made you feel good?  If someone drains you..what about them drains you?  If work makes you feel good..what about makes you feel good?  Get specific and get the answers so that you can continue looking for and building a life full of more people and things that continue to bring those things.  And at the same time, have an end goal and figure out how you plan to get there.  What do you need to do?  What kind of emotions strike you as you're writing out each step?  Why do they come?  Specificity is key.  

If you need some tips on how to do that, I'll offer some.

Stay strong

- Beach

 

[Realitysux]

9 hours ago, amaysngrace said:

I have a new man that I’ve been in contact with (not physical contact, obviously) but he’s someone I use to work with.  

My last day he carried all the things I packed up from my office out to my car for me and then we swapped numbers because he said when this is all over he wanted to take me out.

He’s a gentlemen and a sweetheart but a total manly man all at the same time.  

He’s just my type

No need to feel bad. I am happy for you and it sounds exciting! I hope this ends sooner then they say it will. 

Edited April 3, 2020 by Realitysux

[Realitysux]

Couldn't keep off line a full weekend. Really dead phone, says a lot. I'm going out with a friend for a bit but when I get home, will end up depressed in bed. I did read something that gave me a chuckle. If he doesn't text back during quarantine, he isn't interested . Time to test this out! 

[Realitysux]

Time to get busy with plans. I'm going to get my mom out by the end of the month. I'm getting my space and my house back. I'm going to continue to work and in time, when society is open again, I'll participate more. This time sucks for everyone. We are all feeling this! I'm glad I work in esential construction so I can atleast keep working. That's about the best I feel these days is at work. If you knew what I endured, it is normal. I really would rather just be alone then to have experienced anything else I have. I'll get back to being on my own and keep pushing forward. I'm only connecting on this forum and with people I meet with in real life. I have to accept what I am and work on myself. I already know I need to calm down. I'm too high strung and I want to say hyper but it's the bipolar. I am going to need my space to work on that too! My depression increases around my mom. I didn't like living with her growing up and through this, I sadly realized, I don't want to be that close to my family. I would much rather focus on myself and then make a family through networking when I can get myself in a bit better shape. I lost a ton of weight and fast but because of how active I am and have been. I had plans to buy new clothes on April 6 but that's delayed until this is under control. I will remind myself not to isolate myself when society opens up. I'm hitting a reggae club in Toronto and a bar or two when this is over! I'm also buying a fridge for the garage and keeping it stocked with beer. I'm looking forward to finding out what kind of beer I like best. 

 

I'm going to work out, get my hair done, nails done, salsa dance (lessons first), shopping and make myself feel good again. How are you suppose to pick yourself up in this? Nearly impossible. 

Edited April 4, 2020 by Realitysux

[Realitysux]

Kind of have to be patient and wait for this to be over. Not really much else you can do.

[Realitysux]

I need @Beachead. I'm not doing good at all. I was but then the women who I was texting and was involved is acting weird. She texts how I'm doing and then drops off the planet .. I deleted her number and when she texts me, I can't respond .. I'm not going to be one of those people who end up alone though since I'm doing all of this .. infact, it's a good thing I ended up in the situation I did because now I don't have a choice. I can not connect with people. It's impossible. I'm not able to do anything but make myself and my life into what I want to be. I am very good at hard work. I'm sure there are lots of men out there but I'll catch one later! Let me know when you are online. I feel so bad about all of this. I'm not spending the money to get my networked cleaned either 

Edited April 5, 2020 by Realitysux

[Cornholio12]

I've been at an all-time high lately, but lately I've felt totally stupid over something unexpected that I can do absolutely nothing about in the midst of the COVID-19 outbreak and beyond. I'm not going into detail, but it's slowly eating me alive. 

[The Outlaw]

Kind of depressed. Mellow. Thinking even more about anything and everything with the pandemic. Shot someone a line last week that had cut me off abruptly without warning to gain a little closure that to be frank, just didn't deserve it in the first place. But at least it was a start.