Realitysux Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 (edited) Thanks @preraph. I definitely need to keep working and I can't afford to mix work with pleasure right now so I do have to separate it. It's hard now with the social distancing so the only socialization I get is at work. It is a very sexist industry so I'm going to proceed with more caution. Edited March 28, 2020 by Realitysux
Realitysux Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 (edited) This is going to be offensive to some male readers so please proceed with caution but men are f***ed! I am bored AF but I'm not going to go out and date what do ever. I have options, believe me, but none worth my time because I know the type of person I am and eventually it will all come together. I just needed an opportunity and then I found it. It's all coming together, access to tools, access to one guy who's currently in London but I'm hoping to make connections with him. I have a few other things planned too but right now I'm still wearing the last 7 years. This forum is cheaper then therapy. Everyone says go to therapy, find me one good therapist who's worth hundreds of dollars .. counselling is a waste of time but more affordable then therapy. I've done cbt, dbt but when I go to the courses half the people attending are deformed so you don't even feel like your retarted enough to take the f***ing course. I am so f***ed up! Life was rough and this is what happened. The hacking and the extent of it was crazy and then all the medication shoved down my throat when I mentioned it. I was smart enough not to take the medications. I'll cure myself with a better life not stupid pills. And who does this guy think he's dealing with. Go find a beautiful, vibrant, sexy, goal driven, conservative, educated, calm women because I'm not stupid enough to try and apologise to you after all that. I don't owe you s*** and I like the new me and the me swears a lot. I was listening to a song whole again by automic kitten and the whole time I was thinking if I was hacked he'd think the song was for him when I just like the song which I'm going to log off and listen to because I can do whatever I want. Edited March 28, 2020 by Realitysux
Realitysux Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 (edited) I decided not to go fix cars and trucks with this guy. He has already told me I'm hot, I'm his type and sent me a ton of selfies. I also need my energy for my full time job so I'm staying in and working on my house today. I think in another week or so, things will start opening up. As I said before, I do not want to be in a situation with a male at this time. I just want to focus on myself for a bit. I wasted time last weekend on this a**h*** and even plucked my own eyebrows .. I would much rather wait for the salon to open and pay someone to do it right. I also can not wait to go shopping again. I can not wait for the malls to open up again! I can't wait to buy clothes .. I can't wait to get manicures and pedicures again and especially since my nails are long. Strong f***ers too because I work with my hands and they aren't breaking. I'll get my hair done, go see a chiropractor, hire a cleaner, and just go to work and go to the gym and find work worth my time to do. This virus has been s***ty but it made me realize how badly I want to be outside. I decided that instead of feeling guilty for staying in bed so much, embrace the fact that s*** has to be worth my time to leave it. Edited March 29, 2020 by Realitysux
Realitysux Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 (edited) I let some real s*** heads put me down and for what. I give them way to much power. Once society opens up, I'm on this s***. I have to figure out how to manage my time at home better since I don't really enjoy being around my mom. She irritates the crap out of me and she doesn't know any better. She doesn't do anything and she cluttered my f***ing house up. She redoes my cupboards and I can't find anything. I am tolerating it because if the virus but when it's safe to do so, I'm packing her bags and sending her to her own apartment and giving her my son every other weekend! I need a break sometimes. Edited March 29, 2020 by Realitysux
Realitysux Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 I know I would never speak to him again! I don't think he ever going to stop this .. it doesn't phase him or his life and I'm already in such a bad place because of all of this. I wouldn't even want to sit and talk about this. He wrote we can laugh about this, none of this is remotely funny .. you are a douch
Realitysux Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 (edited) I know that this is crazy but what's the point in sending me someone to text me things like hope and faith, everything's going to be okay. She just texts me little burst of encouragement and I was looking to connect with a female friend. I'm tired of this guy interfering with my life. It's going to take me weeks to get back to where I was. I feel so blah and down and no interest in anything! I'm going to work and I'm coming him until things open and I can do something else. I am depressed and taking it slowly and easy until I can start to feel better. Do you have any idea what you already did to me back in 2016! How could you stick around .. it's insane! Edited March 29, 2020 by Realitysux
Beachead Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 Having to self-isolate because of whats happening out there, is proving to be a bit challenging. A lot of the tools I use to help me cope, are not available to me and now my mind is beginning to trail off and think about some people I shouldn't be. I'll figure it out.
Realitysux Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 I'm not coping period. I have no coping skills to begin with. I'm depressed. I have no interest or desire to do anything. I am just sitting here waiting for morning to come so I can go to work! I've read so much about how undesirable that is so I even gave up on trying to meet anyone either.
Realitysux Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 (edited) Well, it's an improvement. I'm back on site tomorrow but still doing trim. There is so much trim to do. Its a start, I'm sure I'll be doing kitchens and more challenging work down the road. I'm glad I'm back on site tomorrow and not at my bosses house drinking again! Besides, depression and alcohol don't mix well which is the only reason I stopped drinking wine. That and I don't really want to get drunk and talk to my mom! My life is so dull .. it's my life, I have to decide what makes me happy and oh yea, the dick with the condo. I finally found a 2 bed, 2 bath condo. The guy sends me an application and as I'm making arrangements to give it to him, he tells me a couple submitted an application two days ago! Wtf .. I can try to find a townhouse with a basement but rent is expensive here and I don't want to be paying more then 1600! Good luck to me.. Edited March 30, 2020 by Realitysux
Realitysux Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 5 hours ago, Beachead said: Having to self-isolate because of whats happening out there, is proving to be a bit challenging. A lot of the tools I use to help me cope, are not available to me and now my mind is beginning to trail off and think about some people I shouldn't be. I'll figure it out. I kind of take over the forum. I think I chased everyone else off! It's a very difficult time for everyone and I'm not coping either .. clearly!
Beachead Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 @Realitysux Nono you don't chase anyone off. You're just trying to get by is all. Don't worry. Quote I've read so much about how undesirable that is so I even gave up on trying to meet anyone either. Forget what other people think. You do what you want to do so long as you are content with it and its not doing you harm. If work is what you can manage for now, then manage work. Make adjustments in your life only when you are ready and only when it makes sense for you to do so. A couple of things that help me at home during depressed states is I only used the bed for sleep. I'd build my schedule around good things I looked forward to like food, coffee and warm showers but I had other things that I noticed brought me some life such as workouts and being outside. So a sample schedule would have been studying from 6am-9am and reward myself with my breakfast. Coffee included. Hit the gym and reward myself with my warm shower. Lunch followed. Then I'd go back to studying. If I was home for the whole day, I'd take an afternoon nap..that killed an hour or two. If it was the summer, then that was a bonus because I could just sit out in my backyard for a couple of hours and enjoy the warmth, a nice breeze, the birds and all the wildlife. On other days when I wasn't at home, it'd work out well because I'd go to work or class and occupy my mind with that. I always scheduled my business in the evenings because being at home in the evenings for some reason was depressing. By the time I got back home, it was 11pm and I was exhausted and the exhaustion wiped me out. And that's how it went down for a long time. - Beach 1
Realitysux Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 (edited) @Beachead. What's really hard for me is that I'm not mature enough and I'm not elegant or educated. I have no problem working in the trades and I do like it. Its a good way to make a living. I do have the ability to do it but sometimes I wish I was more feminine and elegant and calmer. I can't believe my age either. When I think about if, it contributes to my depression and I think now to move forward, I need therapy. I really spent that last few years just getting by and I'm still alone, I've got nothing going for me. Edited March 30, 2020 by Realitysux
Realitysux Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 Another night with no sleep! Atleast I know a bit more now then I did before .. I'm going to accept the pain over the next few weeks and try to find a way to put this all behind me .. it doesn't feel too good right now!
2BGoodAgain Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 On 3/28/2020 at 2:43 AM, Will87 said: I’m not coping, i can feel my anxiety getting worse as soon as I wake up. I need help I can relate about these anxiety attacks... it comes suddenly, and at random... something triggers you.... try breathing exercises... it does help to calm you... 1
scooby-philly Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 On 3/28/2020 at 7:11 PM, Realitysux said: This is going to be offensive to some male readers so please proceed with caution but men are f***ed! I am bored AF but I'm not going to go out and date what do ever. I have options, believe me, but none worth my time because I know the type of person I am and eventually it will all come together. I just needed an opportunity and then I found it. It's all coming together, access to tools, access to one guy who's currently in London but I'm hoping to make connections with him. I have a few other things planned too but right now I'm still wearing the last 7 years. This forum is cheaper then therapy. Everyone says go to therapy, find me one good therapist who's worth hundreds of dollars .. counselling is a waste of time but more affordable then therapy. I've done cbt, dbt but when I go to the courses half the people attending are deformed so you don't even feel like your retarted enough to take the f***ing course. I am so f***ed up! Life was rough and this is what happened. The hacking and the extent of it was crazy and then all the medication shoved down my throat when I mentioned it. I was smart enough not to take the medications. I'll cure myself with a better life not stupid pills. And who does this guy think he's dealing with. Go find a beautiful, vibrant, sexy, goal driven, conservative, educated, calm women because I'm not stupid enough to try and apologise to you after all that. I don't owe you s*** and I like the new me and the me swears a lot. I was listening to a song whole again by automic kitten and the whole time I was thinking if I was hacked he'd think the song was for him when I just like the song which I'm going to log off and listen to because I can do whatever I want. This male reader takes no offense as I clearly do not fit with the typical "male" stereotypes you see on here from most women about "bad guys" or "bad boys", serial cheaters, liars, etc. Just a word of caution though - well, really two. Not all men are pigs, cheats, liars, etc. Yes, most men enjoy sex and a lot of us (myself included) enjoy it a lot. But...we're not all swine. Choose your thoughts and words carefully because over time, your words/thoughts become your opinion/outlook on life. And if you're always negative about men in your mind, then you'll have a hard time finding someone good in real life. Second word of caution - perhaps some alone time is better than talking to guys at this point. Self-care and self-focus isn't easy for a lot of people - but taking an appropriate amount of time to heal yourself, improve yourself, and get used to being happy, productive, and healthy by yourself is a very good thing that can only help you and any future relationship you get into. Good men are hard to find, but you know what, so are good women. So make sure you become an even better woman and that will help you find a better man. And no, there's not a single place to meet good men unfortunately and we're not all the same. But we're out there. 1
Beachead Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 (edited) @Realitysux A career path in the trades is definitely a good thing and I respect it. Spend a few years working under someone. Learn the trade. Become your own boss and run your own hours. Sure you work hard but you work for yourself. And many of the skills you develop, you can apply outside of the job, to your life. 17 hours ago, Realitysux said: @Beachead. What's really hard for me is that I'm not mature enough and I'm not elegant or educated. The question here is enough for whom? Enough for yourself? Or enough for others..particularly specific people? To whom does that "enough" part belong to. Its important. Our environment does affect us...heavily. The media, work, school etc. Your family, friends and people you care about or value, can indirectly put pressure on you through silent expectation and judgment. They can unknowingly project their own insecurities/thoughts/feelings about their own life onto you. When you fall short, they can do or say things that make feel inadequate. For example..if some people feel like they can't do something..they'll tell you you can't either. They'll discourage you from doing it. And if we don't have the confidence in ourself because we haven't done things that helps us see we are capable and with potential..we just might believe them. Grow to be better than yesterday but just make sure that desire is about you wanting to change for you because of you..and not because of expectations/pressure that come from others and what they think you should be. The moment you give into that, you lose your way and you stop being who you are and start being who you think you should be and that's can be a crime as well because those very things that you might think are flaws might be valued by someone else. You may feel that way about yourself..yet what I see is someone who is openly sharing what they feel are weaknesses and things they want to work on. Because of that humility, you are open to change and have managed to clear a mental obstacle that many people in the world fail to. I think that's a sign of maturity. Quote I've got nothing going for me. You've got LS, work and plans for yourself. That's a good start. - Beach Edited March 30, 2020 by Beachead 2
Realitysux Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 (edited) Thank you all for your encouragement. I don't have too much to say today. Not on this forum but I have been thinking and figuring things out. Edited March 31, 2020 by Realitysux
Realitysux Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 (edited) I don't dread going to work at all. I like going into work. I'm fortunate enough to work with really good people! Once my mom moves out, I'm turning her room into a gym with some extra space. I'd be fine if I had that now but I don't and the fact the gyms are closed is driving me mad. I never cared a whole lot about society until we lost society and now I just want it back! Edited March 31, 2020 by Realitysux
Realitysux Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 And also, I don't miss dating what so ever. I have no interest in it at all right now. I'm just going to keep on working and see where that takes me in September. I am sure by summer my tasks at work will be more challenging then baseboards.
scooby-philly Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 Checking on the usual suspects...how is every doing? Recovery wise? Pandemic wise? Growth/healing wise? I'm doing very well. Need to make sure I keep exercising and eating healthy now that my short vacation is over because I would like to make sure I drop the weight I want to drop. And the virus will present interesting wrinkles to both my job and the non-profit group I run on the side, so that will keep me busy for a while. And while I want to make changes and advance in my career, I'm also not in a rush. I know the right opportunity will eventually come along and there's a ton I can do, learn, try, pick up, restart, in the meantime. I guess that's the lesson for my dating life as well. I said "yes" and stuck with people simply because they say "yes". But their actions didn't match their words and my actions were not in tune with my feelings (and quite candidly sometimes my thoughts). So - recovery continues but I think my little dude/inner child is close to letting the last relationship go and I'm just letting myself heal, grow, let go, etc. at the pace my subconscious can handle. 1
2BGoodAgain Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 So today, i dreamt about you... prob the 2nd or 3rd dream in 6 months or so? I think i do this whenever my current life feels overwhelming or i feel underappreciated/unhappy in the moment of my current life. I guess the mind is used to running toward the fantasy n running from the reality, a temporary relief from reality. It's funny how the mind works. on a conscious level, i feel i'm over you... in the sense that you don't intrude upon my thoughts to the effect of affecting my every day life... and even the rare moments where my mind wanders to you, it doesn't affect me as much... but to dream about you... and the comfort and joy i feel in that dream... reveals to me just how persuasive my mind seems to think of you... and i find that disturbing and it upsets me... there are songs that describe trying to forget everything about that preson... i wish i had that too. without losing the lesson i learned from you... about myself... if only i could do that... the pain has ebbed away to a dull ache... and my mind isn't too often overwhelmed with memories of you.. I will be glad the day i can think about you unbidden and feel nothing at all... it is about the only mercy i can think of that i wish on myself... though, i don't deserve it, i'm sure. oddly enough, there are songs and actions... that remind me of you.. when i was going thru the withdrawal pains of you not being there.... but even those slowly seem to lose the pain/regret/anger/sadness that the reminder reminds me of.. for that small mercy, i am glad as well. I'm slowly starting to remember why i rejected you, 12 years ago... when we fell for each other hard.. why the reality of you and me, didn't seem to be attractive to me then. I think as i started to care about you more and more over the years... i forgot why i didn't want to be with you in the first place.. it's good to remember those distant memories. It helps with the existence of you not being there, more tolerable and understandable. Whether this is a rationalization or not, i don't know.. perhaps it's just a process of getting over someone who meant as much as each beating of your heart. I look forward to the end of this process. A lifetime of this is... unbearable.
AIJ Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 Really beginning to struggle again. I also feel like there's a pattern/trend regarding breakups. I'm not sure if it's just me, but it seems as though there's a lot more men that struggle to move on and also a lot of the 'success stories' in terms of moving on almost always come as a result of meeting someone new. It's always 'I promise it gets better blablabla I struggled so much blablabla then I met this great guy/girl!'. It's so frustrating. I really was beginning to make a good amount of progress in my healing. I had a lot going on, I was incredibly busy with work, gym, University, football etc. and now that is all dead in the water. I have a lot of assignments still to complete but I am seriously struggling to motivate myself and focus. It has been almost 3 months and yet I still think about her almost constantly.
Realitysux Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 (edited) I have never been dumped so much by the same guy and I'm getting a little drained listening to it but still pushing forward .. I actually went to work, came home and took a shower, and now I'm cleaning my house. That's a big step for me! Usually I can't do that because if the depression but I did that today! It's a step Edited March 31, 2020 by Realitysux
The Outlaw Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 A little down. The pandemic has put a new spin on things for me as of late and I've been thinking more and more about anything and everything for the past few days.
Beachead Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, AIJ said: Really beginning to struggle again. I also feel like there's a pattern/trend regarding breakups. I'm not sure if it's just me, but it seems as though there's a lot more men that struggle to move on and also a lot of the 'success stories' in terms of moving on almost always come as a result of meeting someone new. It's always 'I promise it gets better blablabla I struggled so much blablabla then I met this great guy/girl!'. It's so frustrating. I really was beginning to make a good amount of progress in my healing. I had a lot going on, I was incredibly busy with work, gym, University, football etc. and now that is all dead in the water. I have a lot of assignments still to complete but I am seriously struggling to motivate myself and focus. It has been almost 3 months and yet I still think about her almost constantly. Doesn't help with the Coronavirus onboard, grounding almost everyone. The mind tends to wander a lot more. If you need some hope, I'm in the minority of people who got passed my heartbreak without diving into a new relationship. I had 2 back to back breakups between 2015 and 2017 where I was dumped. It was devastating to say the least..and I was going through a lot more than just heartbreak. After that, I walked away from dating and have been quietly focusing on my own life ever since. Last year in April, I finally began to notice I was feeling more like my old again. Balanced. Focused. Now about a year after that point, I still feel that way and actually more clear. I hit some downs occasionally but they're not usually about those past relationships. I don't know how far you are in your grief, but this stuff takes time and a lot of internal work. And by internal work, I mean letting yourself feel what you need to feel and guiding your thoughts and your focus through the routine of journaling. If you need advice or tips, I'll offer. - Beach Edited March 31, 2020 by Beachead 1
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