andytuotuo Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 I’m feeling this blurry clarity on everything if that makes any sense. I still miss her and feeling anxious all day. When I think of her, it feels like it has been a while. Yes it’s been 4.5 weeks since she told me she doesn’t want to be friends. I am going some of the hardest time of my life mentally and it’s be rough. I check in on her social media to see if there’s any new updates. I know it will tingle my heart but I still want to. I know she’s doing well, moved on with her life. For the first time ever I got this feeling I might be able too. Not sure if I want to. I know she will eventually find someone she fancies more and be happy. Life goes on, I say it feeling there’s nothing I can do.
scooby-philly Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 7 hours ago, MeadowFlower said: @scooby-philly, where and what did you end up getting up to? Just went out for a drive and grabbed a beer from one of my favorite spots. One of the issues for me is that I chose to stay with the wrong friends from like age 14 to 32 so I'm still making new ones and I don't have a ton of people to lean on last minute to go out if I'm feeling down and in the dumps. But....that's okay. Part of my recovery is just getting comfortable with being alone again. 7 hours ago, andytuotuo said: Yeah man. Sometime we just gotta go out! Or do something our mind don’t want to do! Im still having anxiety attacks right now but I’m gonna go out for a walk! Yup - agree. I've got to start working hard again and also making sure I get active - need to drop 25lbs!
scooby-philly Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Tired this morning. But feeling good. Positive thoughts all day - working hard to achieve my dreams. I'm my only barrier to prosperity, happiness, success. For real though, just trying to bounce back and make small, slow progress each day this week. 1
andytuotuo Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 25 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: Tired this morning. But feeling good. Positive thoughts all day - working hard to achieve my dreams. I'm my only barrier to prosperity, happiness, success. For real though, just trying to bounce back and make small, slow progress each day this week. One thing I found really helpful right now is watch a video series called <both sides> on YouTube. It’s interviews of truly loving couples who share their stories. I watch it and see what love can be and suppose to be. It gives a sense of what I can have, what I am holding onto isn’t love at all. call me a hopeless romantic, but I want to find that person. 1
scooby-philly Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 1 minute ago, andytuotuo said: One thing I found really helpful right now is watch a video series called <both sides> on YouTube. It’s interviews of truly loving couples who share their stories. I watch it and see what love can be and suppose to be. It gives a sense of what I can have, what I am holding onto isn’t love at all. call me a hopeless romantic, but I want to find that person. I agree with you 150%. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea. But I do not what my shortcomings are and in several areas I've made a lot of changes and improvements over the years. And yeah, you're absolutely spot on - while I've never had it - I know - from instinct and from examples I've seen - what a real "loving" couple looks like and I'm not going to settle any more for someone just because they said yes, "I'll date you". 1
2BGoodAgain Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 to experiment on a hypothesis, i stayed away from loveshack for a few weeks... i thought perhaps talking about it, just reminded me of her and would prolong/promote me thinking about her... but even without love shack, my thoughts would turn back to what she's doing, who she's seeing, analyzing past events in our A... etc... decided to come back, to keep myself real and honest about what i do.... and sorta keep me in check..... 1
Beachead Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 @2BGoodAgain How long has it been since the breakup? - Beach
Beachead Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 @andytuotuo Just getting through a day after being let go takes everything out of us, so 4.5 weeks of not talking to her is good work. I know what you mean by blurry clarity; you can vaguely see your situation for what it is, rather than as you need to be, but you can seem to stop the way you feel anyway. Your mind just needs the time to rewire itself. It's still programmed to be in a relationship her and still operating, even though there is no relationship and she's gone. It translates to you feeling empty and not being able to think about anything else but her. Can't seem to enjoy things like you used to because every little thing ties back to her. Maybe you don't have an appetite and maybe you can't sleep right either. Bad dreams as well. Quote I check in on her social media to see if there’s any new updates. I know it will tingle my heart but I still want to. One thing I'll strongly advise you to do is take her off of of social media. Keeping her around will do more than just tingle your heart. It'll hold you back because it'll trigger your anxiety. She will update her statuses, post pictures with her friends having fun. Doing her thing. At some point, one of those updates will be with a guy. Every update will hurt you as it only shows her moving on. Remember, in choosing to leave you, she coincidently chose to be with someone else, whether that someone else has come into her life already, or whether he arrives months or years later. Keeping her around only gives you access to see it happen. I've seen a lot of people over a long time not do it because in some way, it keeps them connected, even if its an unhealthy one..and they prolong their pain. All you have are fragments of what you think is going on with her which will make you curious and make think about her more. You may analyze her actions which may not even mean anything. Your anxiety will create a narrative of what she might be up to, how she's feeling etc. which may be false. All this will trigger your anxiety and its that anxiety that'll keep your mind on her which will slow you down. For you to heal, she needs to be out of sight, out of mind; blocked on social media, her number and her pictures or anything related to her off your phone. Whatever gifts or whatever possessions she left stored some place out of sight. - Beach 2
2BGoodAgain Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 34 minutes ago, Beachead said: @2BGoodAgain How long has it been since the breakup? - Beach over 3 months now? the weird part is... and this is the part that frustrates me... is that usually within a month, i'm ok(we've broken up a dozen times in 12yrs). I may miss our conversations etc, but im' at peace with us parting ways...and it isn't like "oh, she'll be back" or "she's so into me, it'll happen again" kind of thinking... every time my AP and I broke up, i really believed it to be the end... i mean, i might hear her voice in my head when i see things/people that i know she and i would comment/opinionate about.. but... nothing like this last time break up. It really was a bit... permanent, the way we ended things. why do you ask?
Beachead Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 2 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said: over 3 months now? the weird part is... and this is the part that frustrates me... is that usually within a month, i'm ok(we've broken up a dozen times in 12yrs). I may miss our conversations etc, but im' at peace with us parting ways...and it isn't like "oh, she'll be back" or "she's so into me, it'll happen again" kind of thinking... every time my AP and I broke up, i really believed it to be the end... i mean, i might hear her voice in my head when i see things/people that i know she and i would comment/opinionate about.. but... nothing like this last time break up. It really was a bit... permanent, the way we ended things. why do you ask? Hmm well, sometimes, people need to breakup in steps. Each breakup helps heal the other and bring closure until there's nothing left to go back to. Perhaps you two have been doing that for this period of time. I'm just trying to get a grasp of where you might be at in your healing process. Some important questions for you may be why did you find yourself returning to her or choosing to get back together each and everytime? More importantly, why did you two breakup all those times in the past?
scooby-philly Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Just miss having that best friend to listen and talk to every day 1
MeadowFlower Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 If you don't care, then you're free. 1
AIJ Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 Feeling pretty good. Starting to put myself back out there, talking to a few girls just casually. Got plenty of deadlines coming up shortly at University so that should keep me occupied until late March/early April and then it's exam season so I'm pretty much fully booked until the middle of May, then it's on to writing my dissertation until September. Still having the occasional wobble but I'm starting to notice she's not on my mind nearly as much anymore, like sometimes it'll hit me that I haven't even thought about her for the last hour or so. Feels good. 1
Beachead Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 @MeadowFlower @scooby-philly 5 hours ago, MeadowFlower said: If you don't care, then you're free. Its true. If you don't care, you're free. Not an easy thing to do though. We're human and we all on some fundamental level, wish for it. Companionship to us is like sunlight to a plant. Took me 30 years of my life, a considerable amount of rejection and loss both in relationships and other parts of my life to eventually switch the way I thought about things. Ultimately, people have free will to choose what they want or don't want and we don't have any control over that. Sometimes you can do all the right things, make no mistakes, and still lose, simply because of external problems the other person was dealing with that impacted your relationship. When you realize how little control you really have of these variables, you have to ask yourself..are you doing right by yourself, still hoping? What if don't find anyone? What are we to do then? Is that the end of you or are you more than someone's potential wife or husband or girlfriend or boyfriend? It scares people to think about that but my life pushed me down a direction that forced me to. That was my personal fear for a long time. Having nobody. And then having embraced the possibility, I freed myself from it. The harsh truth is life isn't fair and nothings promised. Not career or relationships or friendships, not even your own health. Tomorrow isn't promised in general. We've just all gotten used to a life where we've been conditioned to feel as though it is. As depressing as this all may seem, it makes every little thing that does happen..especially the good things, very special to me. I've genuinely learned to appreciate everything in a way I didn't before. If you can genuinely learn to see it like that, you're free. But that's just me. 2
2BGoodAgain Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 17 hours ago, Beachead said: Hmm well, sometimes, people need to breakup in steps. Each breakup helps heal the other and bring closure until there's nothing left to go back to. Perhaps you two have been doing that for this period of time. I'm just trying to get a grasp of where you might be at in your healing process. Some important questions for you may be why did you find yourself returning to her or choosing to get back together each and everytime? More importantly, why did you two breakup all those times in the past? i agree. i think each of those break ups, did help her move on... in sorts.. i've been doing a lot of thinking back on our 12yr A, and the break ups were diff each time, though, last 3-4yrs, i'd say the break up were the same. initially, we broke up before we met physically, due to her being married. a few weeks in, i think. we agreed, this wasn't a healthy relationship. we would spend literally every waking moment talking on the phone or texting... nonstop. we'd go sleep deprived. lol. the connection was ridiculously powerful and addictive; we'd never felt anything like it before. That lasted literally like 1 min, before she blew up my phone with constant calling/texting... which i had to ignore b/c i was in the middle of a company wide meeting. lol. Must have been the longest 30 minutes of her life. Eventually, i listened to the voicemails and instead of being repulsed or alarmed by it all, i was enthralled by the emotion in her voice... it broke my resolve instantly. I ended my relationship with my gf at the time, when i realized I wanted to be with my AP. even if it was just as her side thing, i didn't care really. several break ups after that were trying to do the best thing for her or for me... she felt it wasn't fair for her to put any claims on me..she felt i was putting my life on hold b/c of her... i think in hindsight, she wanted me to fight back and keep her.. every time she broke up with me, it was for the right reasons... or sometimes she'd lie that she didn't feel anything for me, though, i think that was just her trying to put distance between us, b/c her inner self couldn't handle that i didn't want a life with her(she asked me to marry her, that she'd leave her hub for me)... I honestly didn't think i could handle that kind of pressure... to break up a family over it, it was too much for me, i think. But i recall, after each break up, and afterwards we'd talk again... and i recall her telling me how she wished I didn't let her go so easily... though from my point of view, the thought of holding onto someone against their will or manipulating someone to do stay with me... it was repulsive to me, b/c it'd mean it wasn't me that drew her, but rather something else... so if someone doesn't want to stay with me, i'm totally ok letting them go... i mean, why would you want someone who doesn't want to be with you, to stay with you? But to her, i think she thought of it as someone who didn't care about her... the irony was... I broke with 1 gf, ended potential relationships with several more while i was single... to be with her.. once i even canceled a valentine's meet up with a girl i'd been talking to during one of our "break up" periods, and we ended up talking one time, and when she found out about it(even though it was her idea that i move on and find another girl)... and i wasn't hiding anything from her, b/c i thought we were done and we were just gonna be friends... she was angry or upset... and i ended up canceling everything with that girl and flew out to see my AP... thinking back, that's insane... or mebbe it was my way of showing her i cared about her above anyone else... i dunno. but the last few break ups, were over my current partner and her asking me every time to end it with my partner, and be with her instead.. to which i always told her no. I recall one time, her telling me that she didn't even want me to be with her, but to just hear me say it would be enough.. but i wouldn't give her that. I guess i could have lied to her, but i didn't. So each time i said no, she'd get insanely angry and end it. the 2nd to last time, i had to cancel on meeting her(last time was in 2013)... b/c my partner's father was dying... i had to fly out to be with my partner n her family. That didn't sit well with my AP, and she got crazy angry. No empathy. It really shocked me how unsympathetic she was, considering her own mother passed away in 5years ago... AP said that break up, broke something inside her... at least, that was her rationale for moving on to some guy she met online. The uniqueness of that event was that she'd never moved on from me until that point. As she was my AP for 12yrs, i was her. That part was an unchanging part of our relationship. So for that to happen, i guess it rang alarm bells within me. of course, that ended several months in; the guy ended it with her, and she was suffering from it. and i helped her and told her i'd end things permanently with her, with our last time. I know, it was prob a rationale on my part; a delusion of sorts. But instead of just ending it, i ended up falling for her.. or more addicted to it, or something. i still have no idea how the relationship flipped suddenly like that, where she had to cut it off with me, and i was looking around like a lost dog wondering what just happened? so that briefly sums up what happened. don't laugh, it really is brief.
2BGoodAgain Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 16 hours ago, scooby-philly said: Just miss having that best friend to listen and talk to every day scooby.... sometimes, we confuse that best "friend" with lover that we wish we could feel complete with. not to diminish friends, and not to say you need hundreds of friends, but sometimes it's good to diversify companionship/friendship into many people instead of just one... it's too much pressure for one person to bear it all, even if a lover. so like a date... instead of the 1st date being some galactic epic show of whatever... it's always better to start getting to know someone with a "tea" or "coffee" break... that way, no pressure, no galatic epic love tale, etc.. that we see in hollywood or disney movies... sometimes, the best things in life... starts small... and becomes a great love story. so, like that.. instead of focusing so much energy on some great chemistry mind blowing relationship that would make the angels cry... why not diversify that concept of connection with another human being... into many people who each in their own way, accompany and better your own good life?
scooby-philly Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 7 hours ago, MeadowFlower said: If you don't care, then you're free. Yeah - I'm free! Just working on feelings buried deep inside of myself. I guess with the abandonment issues growing up, having to make life decisions without being able to open up to anyone, and also just feeling like I had to focus so much on others, put my wants and needs and dreams aside in order to maintain friendships or relationships, I'm just starting to rediscover myself, learning how to speak my needs and wants again, and really learning how to dream for myself without considering anybody else for once in my life. But in terms of the prior relationship, or really any prior relationship or friendship, I am free @MeadowFlower 1 hour ago, Beachead said: @MeadowFlower @scooby-philly Its true. If you don't care, you're free. Not an easy thing to do though. We're human and we all on some fundamental level, wish for it. Companionship to us is like sunlight to a plant. Took me 30 years of my life, a considerable amount of rejection and loss both in relationships and other parts of my life to eventually switch the way I thought about things. Ultimately, people have free will to choose what they want or don't want and we don't have any control over that. Sometimes you can do all the right things, make no mistakes, and still lose, simply because of external problems the other person was dealing with that impacted your relationship. When you realize how little control you really have of these variables, you have to ask yourself..are you doing right by yourself, still hoping? What if don't find anyone? What are we to do then? Is that the end of you or are you more than someone's potential wife or husband or girlfriend or boyfriend? It scares people to think about that but my life pushed me down a direction that forced me to. That was my personal fear for a long time. Having nobody. And then having embraced the possibility, I freed myself from it. The harsh truth is life isn't fair and nothings promised. Not career or relationships or friendships, not even your own health. Tomorrow isn't promised in general. We've just all gotten used to a life where we've been conditioned to feel as though it is. As depressing as this all may seem, it makes every little thing that does happen..especially the good things, very special to me. I've genuinely learned to appreciate everything in a way I didn't before. If you can genuinely learn to see it like that, you're free. But that's just me. Agree with you @Beachead. I guess what we struggle with in Western societies is the ability to open up to people enough to get that feeling of fulfillment and joy without fear of being shamed, hurt, or made fun of for wanting - either a specific goal or a lifestyle or a specific career or even just people to enjoy moments with. For me, as I said above to Meadow Flower, it's been hanging onto friendships and relationships when there weren't right for me or I wasn't getting my needs and wants filled by them. Heck, I proposed to a cold, un-affectionate woman who wouldn't know proper love making (in my opinion) if it hit her on the head. I don't wish her ill or bad things. We weren't right for each other. But I didn't know any better years ago, lol. I also agree - people will do what they want in the end. In the last relationship, sure I made some small mistakes - I make them in every area of my life every day. But...I was close to the best partner I could be and in the end, her immaturity, her sense of still expecting her family to change, her sense of shame over herself, her lack of skills, her family and their socioeconomic status, and her "good girl" defense mechanism means nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome in the long run. And the failure of the relationship is 95% on her. I can only be blamed for trying longer than it was obvious than I should have, if that makes any sense. I've embraced the darkness for 6 months now. I still get tears and a heavy feeling of shame and grief once a day as I confront my past choices and confront the fact that I am alone. But I'm slowly emerging from the darkness. Slowly rediscovering my self-worth. Slowly recovering my dreams, my goals, my wants, my needs, etc. I can even appreciate the heartbreaks I've had with relationships, friendships, and family. Even this past one. While I still get angry once in a while and I miss that "best friend" every day - I'm free of her. I don't care about her or what happens to her, I don't care about the fact that I will never see her again. And I know the past relationship was a way for the universe (or God, Buddha, Jesus, whatever you want to call it) to teach me how to truly love someone and how to be truly vulnerable to someone. And I've learned that my needs and wants are valid and I deserve someone who will help me with those as much as I help them with theirs. 1 hour ago, 2BGoodAgain said: scooby.... sometimes, we confuse that best "friend" with lover that we wish we could feel complete with. not to diminish friends, and not to say you need hundreds of friends, but sometimes it's good to diversify companionship/friendship into many people instead of just one... it's too much pressure for one person to bear it all, even if a lover. so like a date... instead of the 1st date being some galactic epic show of whatever... it's always better to start getting to know someone with a "tea" or "coffee" break... that way, no pressure, no galatic epic love tale, etc.. that we see in hollywood or disney movies... sometimes, the best things in life... starts small... and becomes a great love story. so, like that.. instead of focusing so much energy on some great chemistry mind blowing relationship that would make the angels cry... why not diversify that concept of connection with another human being... into many people who each in their own way, accompany and better your own good life? @2BGoodAgain - I don't try to keep a hundred friends. And I see your point to an extent. I've always tried to maintain friendships on varying levels - cause look, we all have separate and diverse interests and life experiences. But...I disagree. I'm not saying two partners need to be attached at the hip to each other. They should have some different interests and passions. But at the end of each day, they should be each other's best friend and biggest champion. And again, I agree on a diverse group of friends and I'm definitely not the romantic type where I'm expecting bells ringing on a first date. But....I do believe in romance so I will happily stick to both my viewpoint on relationships and accept yours about having a diverse group of friends. 1
The Outlaw Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 Kind of 'meh' today. It's gloomy outside and it's almost like we never see the sun anymore. That's about enough to kick anyone down.
MeadowFlower Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 Well the good thing about being single is you can't get given the flick, they can't get cool on you, and you certainly won't be getting a divorce. 1
andytuotuo Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 I miss her. Leather jacket and blue jeans. Seeing her smile. She waves, walk towards me with phone in her hand. I knew I was in love.
2BGoodAgain Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 1 hour ago, andytuotuo said: I miss her. Leather jacket and blue jeans. Seeing her smile. She waves, walk towards me with phone in her hand. I knew I was in love. that's nice... now what about the parts of her that drove you mad, sad, betrayed, hurt? hang in there, buddy...
2BGoodAgain Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 so i freaking had a DREAM about her last night... a DREAM! involving her, her two kids... freaking A, i mean seriously..and what makes me upset is how i acted in that dream..... and sometimes, you can really tell your inner feelings ... your true feelings by your actions in your dreams... i was doing everything i could to make her stay with me comfortable... then an interesting twist happened, in the middle of this dream, my parents/family show up at a basketball game.. where apparently she and her daughter/son and i were going to...it wasn't a fun moment, as i was contemplating what to do next... sneak out with her/kids before the family saw us... it was a ridiculous dream, but 1) i dreamt her... 2) i was happy she was with me, which upsets me further. sigh... there are days, i wish i had never met her... no matter the major life lessons about myself i've learned... no matter the fun times i enjoyed with her... the connection i felt with her.. so like the advice i gave to AndyTuotuo... i remind myself about the lies, the selfishness, the crazy drama... that was also her... the relief i felt whenever we'd "break up"... the crazy drama that proceded that... as much as she was great, she was awful at times, too... polar opposite of me, and yet.. i felt like she was a reflection of me, too. I hear shock therapy can make you forget things... any safe way to make this a standard post break up procedure? I mean you could make major bucks on such a clinic. lol.
scooby-philly Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 Feeling angry today - which is a good thing. Both because of work and because of what I've spent 6 months working on and processing on here. Just need some clarity and direction and support
Beachead Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 @2BGoodAgain Happy you shared. I read the whole thing and nope I didn't laugh. I've had a circus act of a life myself. I'll just get to it and I apologize in advance for any presumptuous or disrespectful tones or assumptions in my post. On 2/18/2020 at 10:57 AM, 2BGoodAgain said: initially, we broke up before we met physically, due to her being married. a few weeks in, i think. we agreed, this wasn't a healthy relationship. Right there..you both knew right from the get go, that this had the makings to be a disaster. You both knew but you both succumbed to the emotional ecstacy of it all. The thing about affairs is its ultimately self-defeating. If she could cheat on her husband...she could do it to you. Although you were willing to forego that though.. it'd gnaw at you until it was all you'd think about. Make you paranoid. Make you possessive, ultimately destroying the relationship. The trust just wouldn't be there because the relationship began on such dishonest terms. Another problem with it was since you two were on and off and always in contact..neither of you ever really had that time to zoom out of your situation and see the bigger picture with clarity and wide-scope perspective. You were both too caught up and too close to the drama. This came more from a place of addiction, separation-anxiety, and just general emotional weakness..rather than a place of love, sincerity and strength. It was more like a drug. As a result, even when you should have disconnected completely, you both chose connection . You both would slip-up for that momentary good feeling, knowing you'd pay the price in the longterm. You go your separate ways, thing would get hard, those withdrawal symptoms would come about again, and somehow, someway, you two would find an excuse to return. Get your dose, have your fill, get into a fight about something and separate. Rinse and repeat. You'd describe it as friendship but it wasn't. There were expectations and feelings cluttering and contaminating it so it was never a friendship. It doesn't mean you both didn't wish it could be though. The question is, what do you want from her? Do you want to be with her and if you think you do..is it or the right reasons or unhealthy ones? If you don't..again do you want to move on or do you want to be stuck in this cyclical mess with her, giving up every potentially good woman or healthy relationship. If she returns, history has shown the destruction its caused to your romantic life. 12 years of on and off is a long time. That's 12 years of toxic habits programmed deep into the brain. The only way to unlearn them is the requirement of a lot of time (Like a solid year or two) away from eachother. You'll face more withdrawal symptoms along the way like these dreams. Your mind is going to want to take you back to your drug (Her) and its going to find ways to get it done. I imagine, it may be the same for her. Maybe you already know all this or maybe I got it wrong but hopefully something might connect. - Beach
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