How are you coping today?

[The Outlaw]

I'm chill. 

[andytuotuo]

On 2/12/2020 at 12:47 AM, Beachead said:

No worries friend.

Things are still fresh but don't make the mistake of thinking that how you feel today is how you'll feel a year from now.  You'll be surprised how the soul heals.  Progress is slow, yes, but good things take time and hard work and whether its slow or not, progress is progress.  Concentrate not so much on the end goal but on the journey because that's where all the good work happens.  All the struggle, all the self-reflection, all the self-discoveries etc.  All of which you will remember and apply to your future relationships and other aspects of your life.  That may sound like a load of sap to you, but several rejections, breakups, losses and years later..I can see just how powerful and life-changing it all ended up being for me.  

Right now you just haven't logged in enough time in your post-breakup grief to see any concrete results yet.  It's just a bunch seemingly meaningless daily ups and downs.  But if you keep your mind open and you watch closely, those ups and downs are a process leading to the eventual return to yourself.  If you write and document emotions and thoughts.  If you focus on what you have instead of what you don't have.  If you focus on your goals during this period of time...then this heartbreak just might be one of the best things that ever happened for you.  Let yourself feel, but don't let it consume you.  

Regarding being normal?  F*ck that.   Nobody's normal.  Not even these women who put you down or make you feel like you're not relationship material.  Differences are good.  They challenge people to open their mind to other ideas, other perspectives, other personality types, cultures, social classes, financial classes, strengths and weaknesses etc.  If you ask me, we can all use that in this world.  What you bring to this world is special and unique and you just have to find out what that is and believe in it.  So part of your journey is about building confidence in yourself through recognizing who you are and what you're good at.  Learn what you like and dislike and what you need and don't need.  It is journey of finding yourself. 

There is no normal.  Anyone who wishes to make you feel like a freak for being who you are, in all your weakness and strength, is not even worth the energy of being upset.  Pity those people because they're the ones who are suffering. They are a slave to pleasing others at the expense of self-deception.  All those people who seem like they have it together..trust me, they got issues as well.  So don't you worry about trying to impress upon them.  Just do right for yourself and for the people who genuinely love you.  Do you know who those people are?  If not, figure it out.  It might just be one person.   And change because YOU want to.  Because it makes sense in your heart to.  If you're going to be better..be better for yourself and try to be better than who you were yesterday.  That's all you can ask of yourself.  

Love thyself all day, everyday.

- Beach

Hello Beach, 

thanks for your patient reply once again. 

All the emotions are just so real, which is something I have never experienced before. I don't know what changed this time around, but depression and anxiety secretly made their way to me and they ain't the nicest kids on the block that's for sure. Anxiety attack was something there was always there but it was low key. I always thought I was just under a lot pressure and stress from work and life. It got significantly worst and more frequent after this heartbreak. Most nights are insufferable as wake up middle of night just feeling this heartache and tremendous force on my chest I feel like I couldn't even breath. I have never experienced such mental illness and stress until now. Oh boy this is not fun.

I think deep down I know I will be okay one day, like I always do. However I can't escape this feelings if I had missed my chance to be happy ever after. It was one of the times that you feel everything is right, you think this could be the end of your lonely life journey and to finally have someone there for you. Like the song on the radio 'I let my guard down, and then you pull the rug. I was getting kinda used to be someone you loved" 

Some time I am drowned into my emotions so deep that I forget I need to let go and move on. My friend reminded me that today. I guess I am an hopeless romantic, and that is something I probably can't never change. I wanted it so bad that I forget I can't force anyone to love anyone. There are days I wake up and look outside my window, saw the grey sky and just don't want to alone again. I saw hope through her.

Quoting my friend 'I am telling myself that I am excited to meet the right person and I believe it's gonna happen one day. So I don't look for it and it makes me happy to that something better is coming.'

'don't force things to happen, remember that things are mean to happen no matter what.'

I am this touchy feely person, who is probably not masculine enough for some. I am emotional and full of imperfection. I wear my feeling on my sleeves. I was the way I was because I was in love. How do you expect me to react when you tell me you don't reciprocate my feelings? I stopped making excuse for the way I behaved, yes I could have be more rational and mature. Yes I could have dealt with my emotions better and see things for they are. But I was in love.

I am who I am. I will continue to improve myself. I made mistakes, I failed at things, I messed up time to time, I didn't know how to share my feelings. That is me. That is me. I have my insecurities, my regrets, my low moments. Sorry I can't always be the person you want me to be, or be the perfect guy to your standards. I am only human, I am only another guy.

You can't accept me for who I am. You won't stand by myside when I go through my emotions and hardship. You choose to ignore me when I need you the most. Yes you don't have obligation or duty to care. You don't want to care. You are not the love of my life and that's okay. I think I am learning to be okay with that.

You are kind, genuine and loving. Like you said to me. You deserve so much happiness and I hope you find it one day.    

 

[andytuotuo]

Yesterday was the worst so far.  Anxiety Attack decided to spend the day with me. I told it to F off but it just decided to be to be my stalker. It got so aggressive that I couldn't breath all day. I hate it. I want to kick it out of my life. I feel helpless. 

I signed up for online therapy yesterday and going to have first session on Saturday. I chatted with my counsellor for 20 mins but didn't find it hugely helpful. 

Today is a day for LOVE. What I have been searching for but I am still sitting alone. I wanted it so much that I forgot myself. I forgot it was something you couldn't force. 

One day we will all find happy and love.

[2BGoodAgain]

9 hours ago, andytuotuo said:

Yesterday was the worst so far.  Anxiety Attack decided to spend the day with me. I told it to F off but it just decided to be to be my stalker. It got so aggressive that I couldn't breath all day. I hate it. I want to kick it out of my life. I feel helpless. 

I signed up for online therapy yesterday and going to have first session on Saturday. I chatted with my counsellor for 20 mins but didn't find it hugely helpful. 

Today is a day for LOVE. What I have been searching for but I am still sitting alone. I wanted it so much that I forgot myself. I forgot it was something you couldn't force. 

One day we will all find happy and love.

Andy my friend... go to the gym....

work your ass off... burn those emotions... work until your physical pain equals whatever pain is in your heart and mind... and check out some girls while you're working out...

win win!

on a serious note... try it. you have a lot of pent of emotions within you, and the gym isn't a 100% solution, but it'll help with these pent up feelings...

try it my friend.. and go ESPECIALLY when you don't want to. even 30 mins will help.

go to a gym with netflix or hulu or TV to distract you... it'll help process these feelings, even if you still may need therapy to figure out the deeper you. Good luck my friend, i'll be rooting for you.

[scooby-philly]

11 hours ago, andytuotuo said:

Hello Beach, 

thanks for your patient reply once again. 

All the emotions are just so real, which is something I have never experienced before. I don't know what changed this time around, but depression and anxiety secretly made their way to me and they ain't the nicest kids on the block that's for sure. Anxiety attack was something there was always there but it was low key. I always thought I was just under a lot pressure and stress from work and life. It got significantly worst and more frequent after this heartbreak. Most nights are insufferable as wake up middle of night just feeling this heartache and tremendous force on my chest I feel like I couldn't even breath. I have never experienced such mental illness and stress until now. Oh boy this is not fun.

I think deep down I know I will be okay one day, like I always do. However I can't escape this feelings if I had missed my chance to be happy ever after. It was one of the times that you feel everything is right, you think this could be the end of your lonely life journey and to finally have someone there for you. Like the song on the radio 'I let my guard down, and then you pull the rug. I was getting kinda used to be someone you loved" 

Some time I am drowned into my emotions so deep that I forget I need to let go and move on. My friend reminded me that today. I guess I am an hopeless romantic, and that is something I probably can't never change. I wanted it so bad that I forget I can't force anyone to love anyone. There are days I wake up and look outside my window, saw the grey sky and just don't want to alone again. I saw hope through her.

Quoting my friend 'I am telling myself that I am excited to meet the right person and I believe it's gonna happen one day. So I don't look for it and it makes me happy to that something better is coming.'

'don't force things to happen, remember that things are mean to happen no matter what.'

I am this touchy feely person, who is probably not masculine enough for some. I am emotional and full of imperfection. I wear my feeling on my sleeves. I was the way I was because I was in love. How do you expect me to react when you tell me you don't reciprocate my feelings? I stopped making excuse for the way I behaved, yes I could have be more rational and mature. Yes I could have dealt with my emotions better and see things for they are. But I was in love.

I am who I am. I will continue to improve myself. I made mistakes, I failed at things, I messed up time to time, I didn't know how to share my feelings. That is me. That is me. I have my insecurities, my regrets, my low moments. Sorry I can't always be the person you want me to be, or be the perfect guy to your standards. I am only human, I am only another guy.

You can't accept me for who I am. You won't stand by myside when I go through my emotions and hardship. You choose to ignore me when I need you the most. Yes you don't have obligation or duty to care. You don't want to care. You are not the love of my life and that's okay. I think I am learning to be okay with that.

You are kind, genuine and loving. Like you said to me. You deserve so much happiness and I hope you find it one day.    

 

@andytuotuo - Dude - first off, I'm sorry for your continued pain and grief! Hopefully it gets better this weekend and you get out and enjoy something or at least enjoy doing something at home! You words seriously spoke to my soul. I've been depressed for two months. I've had heartbreaking splits before. But it never lasted this long and it really wasn't this deep. I guess it's my inner child waking up to the fact that truly, I've given so much to so many people and I've never really had anyone there for me. Not someone who I felt like I could really go to, someone who knew me, who would champion me no matter what, and most importantly - no one to share my life with. Yeah, I've got some friends and I have some buddies that are great for getting out of the house and doing things. But really, I want someone by my side every day. Now, I know the depression can and will eventually go away if I just continue to embrace the emptiness and loneliness and emerge and get back to living my life. But it seriously blows.  And dude - that song - yeah - it speaks so much to my recent breakup.

However, the real reason I commented on your post was because of the parts I bolded. It's like you spoke my soul's biography. I've always been an emotional guy as well. And I know what my shortcomings are and I have been and continue to work on them. Wear my heart on my sleeve and I've dated older women, younger women, women about my age, different races, religions, etc. and nothing has ever clicked. I was awkward and full of low self-esteem when I was younger. While the recent split has whacked my self-esteem and I've discovered I still need to work on it even after 10+ years of trying, I'm so much more comfortable with myself and what I want and who I am then I was 5 years ago, 10 years ago. And yeah - that's how I feel - my ex - I couldn't have loved her more, done more, made the relationship easier, etc....and in the end...she leaves via IM and text....like nothing mattered. Like she didn't have a heart and didn't care about my feelings. But... it was my fault. I set the terms of the relationship with her early on. I stuck around after she threatened abandonment. After she refused to grow up and tell her parents about me. After I saw how little self-esteem she had and how she was all talk and no action. So why does my inner child still cling to her? I found her. I found my other exes. I can and will, one day, find someone else. I guess I'm just scared to be myself and truly follow my dreams and passions since no one encouraged me to do that growing up. And yea, I am the perfect guy for someone. I just haven't met them yet. But they are out there. And yours is too!!! Keep on fighting!

[MeadowFlower]

I miss him, this imaginary man. Just someone who is in line with me, sees eye to eye. Someone who actually values me and likes me. A real friend, wants to spend time with me. 

[AIJ]

Getting better day by day. 9 hour shift today, in a supermarket, with Valentine's Day being rammed down my throat throughout and honestly it didn't really bother me all too much. Going to the gym 3 times a week, I've got myself back onto a football team so I'm playing twice a week, working two/three days a week, completing my Masters, I'm a very busy man. I'm starting to get back to the old me and I'm thoroughly enjoying it. 

[scooby-philly]

2 hours ago, MeadowFlower said:

I miss him, this imaginary man. Just someone who is in line with me, sees eye to eye. Someone who actually values me and likes me. A real friend, wants to spend time with me. 

Sorry for your pain @MeadowFlower. Your words resonate in my soul. I don't miss my ex. I miss the imaginary woman I built her up to be in my head. 

[The Outlaw]

Absolutely awesome. 

[MeadowFlower]

1 hour ago, scooby-philly said:

Sorry for your pain @MeadowFlower. Your words resonate in my soul. I don't miss my ex. I miss the imaginary woman I built her up to be in my head. 

@scooby-philly, I wasn't actually referring to the ex in my case. Just the 'idea' sort of thing of a special someone. If that makes some sense. 

[K.K.]

3 hours ago, MeadowFlower said:

I miss him, this imaginary man. Just someone who is in line with me, sees eye to eye. Someone who actually values me and likes me. A real friend, wants to spend time with me. 

I understood you, MeadowFlower. It feels  like grieving someone your heart already knows ..but you don’t. 

[Realitysux]

I picked myself up! I'm actually feeling pretty good. I got this job that I really wanted at the time and then I of course wanted more money, so I quit my stable job and got a better paying job. The job was long hours and hard work and I was having a difficult time adjusting to the late hours .. luckily they fired me! First time I was ever fired from a job except for my job in a kitchen when I was a teenager and I set a small fire. This was about two weeks ago!

My first day without a job, I picked up a brand new pair of running shoes and joined the gym. It's my off day but I've been going to the gym and I feel amazing.

I started taking care of myself and seeing a chiropractor. Then I started to apply for jobs again and I've got responses including an interview next week.

Y,Yesterdaywas Valentine's day and what initially brought me here years ago was because this guy was horrible in rejecting me. Said I was the last person on Earth he would ever be with and called me a loser of a women! He cyber bullied me and mocked me but in his personal life he was this incredible human being who women threw themselves at and I knew he would find a women who would live out all the fantasies I had in my head. That way of thinking also made me feel worse about myself and it was a vicious cycle. I no longer have these fantasies, I no longer care about what he or his friends think of me.

I sent my sister a gift and made her my valentine yesterday which made me feel good but I had a moment when I thought what a jerk for doing what he did to me and just carrying on in his love life but I texted a friend and it distracted me. I woke up and logged into a dating site and after a few weeks, found someone who seems decent. Although dating is not a priority right now because I'd like to work on myself and my anxiety but there are men out there when I'm ready. 

[scooby-philly]

On 2/14/2020 at 6:09 PM, MeadowFlower said:

@scooby-philly, I wasn't actually referring to the ex in my case. Just the 'idea' sort of thing of a special someone. If that makes some sense. 

Gotcha - apologies for the mix up. But...I can still feel your pain. I'm feeling unlovable, weird, and worthless tonight. 

[scooby-philly]

Definitely feeling unlovable tonight. I'll finish up some chores, eat dinner, and then maybe take a drive and a walk. Just need to get out of the house. Funny, after almost 6 months I can still feel like it was my fault, still feel like I wasn't good enough for her or anyone and feel like no matter how much I grow, change, get better, etc....I'm always just going to be a fat, ugly loser. But....I know that's not true and I just need some continued self-love

[The Outlaw]

Just now, scooby-philly said:

Definitely feeling unlovable tonight. I'll finish up some chores, eat dinner, and then maybe take a drive and a walk. Just need to get out of the house. Funny, after almost 6 months I can still feel like it was my fault, still feel like I wasn't good enough for her or anyone and feel like no matter how much I grow, change, get better, etc....I'm always just going to be a fat, ugly loser. But....I know that's not true and I just need some continued self-love

Those feelings tend to pass in time. You'll weather the storm. 

[Realitysux]

22 minutes ago, scooby-philly said:

Definitely feeling unlovable tonight. I'll finish up some chores, eat dinner, and then maybe take a drive and a walk. Just need to get out of the house. Funny, after almost 6 months I can still feel like it was my fault, still feel like I wasn't good enough for her or anyone and feel like no matter how much I grow, change, get better, etc....I'm always just going to be a fat, ugly loser. But....I know that's not true and I just need some continued self-love

I'm sorry you feel this way. Keep telling yourself positive thoughts in response to your negative thoughts! 

Edited February 16, 2020 by Realitysux

[scooby-philly]

38 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

Those feelings tend to pass in time. You'll weather the storm. 

 

19 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I'm sorry you feel this way. Keep telling yourself positive thoughts in response to your negative thoughts! 

Thanks @The Outlaw and @Realitysux - yeah I know they will pass. It's just tough. Don't have a huge circle of friends....and while I'm starting to feel like dating again - i know it's still kinda too soon and I also know i'm not ready for it just quite yet. So it just makes sitting at home on a Saturday night depressing at times...But again, just finished up some chores and I'm going to eat and then go out for an hour or two.

[MeadowFlower]

2 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

Definitely feeling unlovable tonight. I'll finish up some chores, eat dinner, and then maybe take a drive and a walk. Just need to get out of the house. Funny, after almost 6 months I can still feel like it was my fault, still feel like I wasn't good enough for her or anyone and feel like no matter how much I grow, change, get better, etc....I'm always just going to be a fat, ugly loser. But....I know that's not true and I just need some continued self-love

We are all just humans. 

Our worth isn't relative to how another meer human perceives us. 

Edited February 16, 2020 by MeadowFlower

[andytuotuo]

On 2/14/2020 at 11:57 PM, scooby-philly said:

@andytuotuo - Dude - first off, I'm sorry for your continued pain and grief! Hopefully it gets better this weekend and you get out and enjoy something or at least enjoy doing something at home! You words seriously spoke to my soul. I've been depressed for two months. I've had heartbreaking splits before. But it never lasted this long and it really wasn't this deep. I guess it's my inner child waking up to the fact that truly, I've given so much to so many people and I've never really had anyone there for me. Not someone who I felt like I could really go to, someone who knew me, who would champion me no matter what, and most importantly - no one to share my life with. Yeah, I've got some friends and I have some buddies that are great for getting out of the house and doing things. But really, I want someone by my side every day. Now, I know the depression can and will eventually go away if I just continue to embrace the emptiness and loneliness and emerge and get back to living my life. But it seriously blows.  And dude - that song - yeah - it speaks so much to my recent breakup.

However, the real reason I commented on your post was because of the parts I bolded. It's like you spoke my soul's biography. I've always been an emotional guy as well. And I know what my shortcomings are and I have been and continue to work on them. Wear my heart on my sleeve and I've dated older women, younger women, women about my age, different races, religions, etc. and nothing has ever clicked. I was awkward and full of low self-esteem when I was younger. While the recent split has whacked my self-esteem and I've discovered I still need to work on it even after 10+ years of trying, I'm so much more comfortable with myself and what I want and who I am then I was 5 years ago, 10 years ago. And yeah - that's how I feel - my ex - I couldn't have loved her more, done more, made the relationship easier, etc....and in the end...she leaves via IM and text....like nothing mattered. Like she didn't have a heart and didn't care about my feelings. But... it was my fault. I set the terms of the relationship with her early on. I stuck around after she threatened abandonment. After she refused to grow up and tell her parents about me. After I saw how little self-esteem she had and how she was all talk and no action. So why does my inner child still cling to her? I found her. I found my other exes. I can and will, one day, find someone else. I guess I'm just scared to be myself and truly follow my dreams and passions since no one encouraged me to do that growing up. And yea, I am the perfect guy for someone. I just haven't met them yet. But they are out there. And yours is too!!! Keep on fighting!

Hello Scooby, 

Thanks for your comments. I am glad you can relate and hopefully you are doing better. 

One day we will all come back here and share our good news!

Cheers.

[Realitysux]

This is a duplicate post because I initially posted this on the wrong thread. 

I get moments of anxiety and self doubt when I feel like an absolute loser and that I'll never find connections again. At times it discourages me from attempting to reach out or do things but I tell myself that just because people don't like you does not mean that you are not a likeable person. I still go to the gym and force myself to do things that keep me moving forward. I subscribed to these great dating coaches on YouTube and have taken up lectures through the local university so I can enhance my knowledge. When I go back to work full time, I won't be able to attend the lectures but I might be able to interact with people while I'm there. I posted an ad for some female friends. I definitely feel stupid sometimes but you have to make the changes if you want to see change. A decent person would appreciate someone who's trying! I've always been too scared to completely open up but reading the latest posts on this thread has helped me tremendously. 

[Beachead]

@Realitysux

Forward thinking is good thinking. 

In 2017, I lost my job, my relationship ended, I had to go through a surgery and wound up with some nerve damage and I was in pain for 2 months.  I kept pushing forward, and found a job while going through a heartbreak and going through my recovery from surgery.  I lost that job as well and then I just crashed and burned into suicidal thoughts.  I turned to a relationship/life coach I saw on youtube and had a few talks with him.  Started journaling, focusing my thoughts onto what I wanted to accomplish out of my life and the few things I was grateful for.  I would vent in it time to time when I needed it.  I used LS heavily as well.   Few weeks passed on like this until I found some strength coming back in the form of me, looking at the next step of my education.  Signed up for a program and dove into it full-time  for 10 months straight.  The only people I socialized with were the people I studied with and my family.  I didn't date and didn't socialize with my old friends all that much.  I even ducked out of friend's wedding because I just didn't feel up to being in an environment like that.  Some people got upset with me but I didn't budge.  Through that whole arduous process, I started really healing.  Started gaining more strength.  Started really accomplishing things I never accomplished before  I had bad days but I'd recover from them faster.  Started to go back to the gym and the gym in turn brought me physical results that made me feel better.   Time carried on and I started to feel more and more social and because I knew how to put myself first now, it changed the kinds of people I chose to keep in my life.    From there it was slow and steady uphill climb, back to myself.

Point is,  If you want the fruit, you've got to plant the seeds and nurture the process.   Yes, Every once in awhile, life will throw us an opportunity but for the most part, I've found, we've got to stop waiting and hoping for something to happen and just start doing.  And if we want a chance to have what we've never had, then we need to do what we've never done before.  Back in the day, I didn't know how to put myself first and tell people no.  It was always them first and me second.  Because I never stopped doing that, I kept on experiencing the same kind of social conflicts and I just never really got to know myself.  Once I stopped doing that, things started going in a different direction for me.     

Good job.   Happy to hear you're taking a proactive approach to your adversity.  Keep rolling.

- Beach

 

[The Outlaw]

Good despite Monday lurking around the corner. And the flooding. 

[scooby-philly]

17 hours ago, MeadowFlower said:

We are all just humans. 

Our worth isn't relative to how another meer human perceives us. 

@MeadowFlower - I understand that intellectually. And I understand it on a personal level. On an emotional level, the past 6 months has been a rollercoaster ride. You're absolutely right - and that's been the biggest realization of the past 6 months. I've put my life, my interests, my passions, even my wants and needs on hold or to the back of the line just to maintain friendships, relationships, or relationships with family members out of fear of abandonment and fear of judgment. But...no more.

9 hours ago, andytuotuo said:

Hello Scooby, 

Thanks for your comments. I am glad you can relate and hopefully you are doing better. 

One day we will all come back here and share our good news!

Cheers.

@andytuotuo - I'm doing better. Just trying to manage the ups and downs better. Who knows - it could continue for weeks or I could wake up in a day or two and never have another relapse (related to the emotional recovery I'm going through). Not trying to bury the emotions, but positive self-talk and reflection and understanding and patience with myself so I do not let it slip to a point where I'm not doing what I want to do.

[MeadowFlower]

@scooby-philly, where and what did you end up getting up to?

[andytuotuo]

9 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

@MeadowFlower - I understand that intellectually. And I understand it on a personal level. On an emotional level, the past 6 months has been a rollercoaster ride. You're absolutely right - and that's been the biggest realization of the past 6 months. I've put my life, my interests, my passions, even my wants and needs on hold or to the back of the line just to maintain friendships, relationships, or relationships with family members out of fear of abandonment and fear of judgment. But...no more.

@andytuotuo - I'm doing better. Just trying to manage the ups and downs better. Who knows - it could continue for weeks or I could wake up in a day or two and never have another relapse (related to the emotional recovery I'm going through). Not trying to bury the emotions, but positive self-talk and reflection and understanding and patience with myself so I do not let it slip to a point where I'm not doing what I want to do.

Yeah man. Sometime we just gotta go out! Or do something our mind don’t want to do! 
Im still having anxiety attacks right now but I’m gonna go out for a walk!