How are you coping today?

[preraph]

Well you learn from all that, but you also have to keep it in perspective and realize that it doesn't seem like you were the villain in those instances. Being trusting is a facet of youth. It's one of life's great tragedies that that sort of trust eventually usually has to get beaten out of us. 

[Beachead]

@The Outlaw

At the same time, you probably tried to handle it on your own because once upon a time you reached out to some people and they made you pay for it.   Some said the wrong things.  Some did the wrong things.  Some weren't genuine.  Those kinds of situations definitely exacerbate it all.   I'm happy that there were some people on here you were able to genuinely vent to.  Continue to release.  

[The Outlaw]

As I'm so fond of saying myself, it's easier said than done. I'm a little less irritated, sure, but I remember everything. And trust issues, aren't so easily resolved. IRL, people that I know can sense it. 

[preraph]

I remember everything, but I don't have the reel running in my head anymore.  Have to make new better memories to overwrite the bad ones so it balances out.  Doesn't have to be with women either.  Could be a motorcycle or a horse or a dog or rafting or just travel.  But do it while you still can, because a lot of those are things that would cheer me up considerably, but I can't do them anymore (just dogs - thank goodness I can still have dogs.)

[The Outlaw]

I think I may be alright in the long run. I just venting even more. There are just other details about things I didn't disclose. 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

 All mistakes and all can be avoided in the future. I'm just not a fan of the phrase "alpha male" because there are too many douche-bag, frat-boy, soulless, f***tard males in our society today.

Agree. Many people who seem to have issues of one type or another seem to like and often to misuse or overuse this phrase, particularly when it comes to female attraction.

My use was based on the descriptions from a book, A Billion Wicked Thoughts which (full disclosure) I haven't fully read, however I read some nice summary articles on the web several years ago and they were enough to change my understanding of both men and women. However, don't be fooled or be overly idealistic - there are plenty of female D-bags in the world as well. Sounds like you were experiencing something along those lines recently.  

[Realitysux]

I feel like s***. I was exhausted and depressed. I decided to work part time until April and return the gym and take care of my health .. I found it a bit boring to and since I'm dieting especially, rather then sit home hungry, I should go out and connect with people and have fun. I logged on to POF and I snooped. I was just curious of the profiles were up and I found one, and the profile took a crack at me as if they knew I would snoop. I got mad and sent him an email directly! Now I feel worse.. I'm also dreading looking for a connection because of the complications that come with it but I have to get back out there again. I have a few people I'm meeting. 

[andytuotuo]

9 hours ago, Beachead said:

It's not pathetic.  It's how you feel.  You have to let yourself feel it to heal it.  Express it as it comes so that you can release it.

I went through the same kinds of emotions.  I mean, my ex dropped me and went back to her ex 2 days later.   She later married the guy.   She didn't even come back to torture me with breadcrumbs.  She left and never came back.    For a long time, I had dreams of her, cried over her, missed her, even though my brain understood the bigger picture.   But really, what I missed was who I thought she was.  Whom I needed her to be.   I missed this version of her that was never really her because it satisfied all my insecurities.  My missing her was really about me.   If she came back, it'd mean I mattered.  It'd me all my efforts amounted to something.  It'd mean I wouldn't be alone doing things in my life alone.  It'd mean I didn't have to say goodbye to a another person and go through yet another, relationship that failed.  So that I could feel loved and cherished as well.  So that I too, could show her off and have a relationship life that I thought everyone else had.  I wasn't grieving her so much as I was grieving myself.   

The reality for me and her was we found eachother attractive and things just got out of hand, because they were going through problems at the time.  In the end, everything worked out as it was supposed to.

That may or may not be you but point is, most often, through this grieving process, we can discover many things about ourself and the way we perceive and deal with our life.   Just let it be and try to keep an open mind about it.

- Beaach

Hello Beach,

Thank you for always taking your time to comfort and share your thoughts with me. It always a relief to know that I am not alone. I am sorry to hear what happened to you.

I truly love her, even after all this time. I like the idea of her, a person who care for me, who is excited to share her day with me good or bad, who is always there comforting and supporting me, who always makes me excited and feel desired.

I feel like I am back to day one. I feel like this healing process never started. I feel like I am still holding onto everything I had and don't want to let go.  I feel like I am stuck in this grief stage and never moved on.

I know it is okay to let all my emotions out, I know its okay to have these thoughts. Love yourself and be yourself. I want to be that person who has right self esteem and value himself. I want to be the person who is able to see everything for it is and don't overthink it. I want to be the person who I think she want, 'strong, confident and content', who don't just beg, being pushy, be emotional, even being a little stalker ish. Why can't I just be like a normal person who can listen and respect her decisions and wishes? Why am I still hanging on this even when she told me she doesn't want to be friends or even speak with me? Why can't I just love myself a little? Why can't I be normal?

 

[andytuotuo]

10 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

Yeah - that's been my problem. I've been "too nice". Now, I'm not saying I'm going to change who I am. I like being a considerate, thoughtful, emotional, and caring and sweet guy. But to your point, it's about not letting them walk over me, not staying when it's clear they don't value or cherish me as much as I do them, and to leave the second time something bad happens instead of giving multiple shots. As my friend @lonelyplanetmoon has helped me understand - we give people permission to treat us a certain way. With my last ex - which was the most heartbreaking split I've had even though it wasn't the longest and we weren't engaged yet...I let her act immature, I let her act out her emotional fantasies of abandonment and attitude with me instead of her parents, and I let her continue to play her "good girl persona" and stuck around when it was clear she was years away from being comfortable with herself and expressing her needs and wants. And I put a lot of my life on the back burner for her. All mistakes and all can be avoided in the future. I'm just not a fan of the phrase "alpha male" because there are too many douche-bag, frat-boy, soulless, f***tard males in our society today.

I can related to this somewhat.

To speak from my own experience and have been thinking after recent rejection. I look back what happened and conversations. I was confident, happy, relaxed and content when I first met her. I was fully myself even if my security and confidences weren't deeply rooted.I wasn't 'Alpha' by any mean but I had right self esteem, self value and boundary. As time goes on and spending time together, I started to become 'too nice' 'too considerate' 'too clingy' 'too needy' ' too insecure', that is just not attractive. Don't be a**h*** to your partner, but you can't be too soft either. I would say stuff like ' did you miss me? If you didn't I would be really hurt.' I think she also wanted me to be more dominate and being able to make decisions from day to day, including in bedroom settings. I am not saying every girl is like that but she was. Being respectful and equal in a relationship should be the hallmark, but sometime guys need to step on. You need to communicate and listen to what she has to say, but to make decision ultimately. If you guys have issues that involves both but probably isn't a comfortable topic, you need to take the initiatives, bring up with her and figure out a solution together. 

I guess everyone is different and has their preference. If you can't be your true self around the other person, It just isn't the right match. I am saying this while it hurts so much. I wish I had grown up faster, made changes faster, talked to her a little earlier.

[scooby-philly]

12 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Agree. Many people who seem to have issues of one type or another seem to like and often to misuse or overuse this phrase, particularly when it comes to female attraction.

My use was based on the descriptions from a book, A Billion Wicked Thoughts which (full disclosure) I haven't fully read, however I read some nice summary articles on the web several years ago and they were enough to change my understanding of both men and women. However, don't be fooled or be overly idealistic - there are plenty of female D-bags in the world as well. Sounds like you were experiencing something along those lines recently.  

Yeah. She wasn't a sorority chick or dumb blonde nor was she an overly aggressive alpha female. She was just inexperienced with dating and at home she couldn't be herself and express her wants and needs and was still babied by her parents. Truth be told it was like dating a h.s. student. She had no friends no hobbies and no ability to express her wants and needs. Yeah I could have been more decisive and I know I had gotten a little needy for a few months while dealing with setbacks at work and what not. But in the end even if I had not been those things and been more alpha it wouldn't have worked out because she needs to get out and explore the world and leave her family before shes healthy enough for a real mature relationship 

[scooby-philly]

7 hours ago, andytuotuo said:

I can related to this somewhat.

To speak from my own experience and have been thinking after recent rejection. I look back what happened and conversations. I was confident, happy, relaxed and content when I first met her. I was fully myself even if my security and confidences weren't deeply rooted.I wasn't 'Alpha' by any mean but I had right self esteem, self value and boundary. As time goes on and spending time together, I started to become 'too nice' 'too considerate' 'too clingy' 'too needy' ' too insecure', that is just not attractive. Don't be a**h*** to your partner, but you can't be too soft either. I would say stuff like ' did you miss me? If you didn't I would be really hurt.' I think she also wanted me to be more dominate and being able to make decisions from day to day, including in bedroom settings. I am not saying every girl is like that but she was. Being respectful and equal in a relationship should be the hallmark, but sometime guys need to step on. You need to communicate and listen to what she has to say, but to make decision ultimately. If you guys have issues that involves both but probably isn't a comfortable topic, you need to take the initiatives, bring up with her and figure out a solution together. 

I guess everyone is different and has their preference. If you can't be your true self around the other person, It just isn't the right match. I am saying this while it hurts so much. I wish I had grown up faster, made changes faster, talked to her a little earlier.

I dont have problems making decisions and understand your point. In retrospect it was a case where we probably didnt have enough overlapping interests, she wasnt mature enough to be comfortable just being herself and certainly wasnt able to express her wants and needs. So yeah ibcouod have been more alpha but like I love the outdoors and she was or is too frufru to do that kind of stuff which is a major reason combined with how she treated me that I should have left long before she ended things. But a lesson learned for me. Just hope one day she learns to love herself because she could make a good man very happy 

[scooby-philly]

Feeling so much better now. Hit a wall Saturday night but was fine after an hour or two. Probably will hit one or two this week - but I honestly say the walls are about me realizing exactly what I need, feeling I've wasted so much time, energy, and money, and that i've been so concerned about being loved and accepted that I in several cases or scenarios I put my life on the backburner and/or not speaking my needs in relationships/friendships and not pursuing my goals and dreams because I felt like a fraud or not worthy enough. If I can drop 20-25 lbs and put some muscle back on - damn it - I'm a hot catch!

[The Outlaw]

Absolutely tired. One day down, three to go. 

[andytuotuo]

My mood swings so much today. From absolutely feeling sorry for myself, to fire furious anger while writing my journal, to feeling numb right now. 

I still think about her all day, almost everyday. I am so full of my emotions.

people, connection, emotion. I hope we will connect again some time down the road, as friends.

[scooby-philly]

@andytuotuo - It's all normal my friend. Keep letting the emotions flow. Keep journaling. Keep on keeping on. Every tear, every scream, every breakdown, every emotion is helping you purge her from your system, helping to let her go, and helping your inner child learn - which will help you in the future.

[Beachead]

On 2/10/2020 at 12:44 AM, andytuotuo said:

Hello Beach,

Thank you for always taking your time to comfort and share your thoughts with me. It always a relief to know that I am not alone. I am sorry to hear what happened to you.

I truly love her, even after all this time. I like the idea of her, a person who care for me, who is excited to share her day with me good or bad, who is always there comforting and supporting me, who always makes me excited and feel desired.

I feel like I am back to day one. I feel like this healing process never started. I feel like I am still holding onto everything I had and don't want to let go.  I feel like I am stuck in this grief stage and never moved on.

I know it is okay to let all my emotions out, I know its okay to have these thoughts. Love yourself and be yourself. I want to be that person who has right self esteem and value himself. I want to be the person who is able to see everything for it is and don't overthink it. I want to be the person who I think she want, 'strong, confident and content', who don't just beg, being pushy, be emotional, even being a little stalker ish. Why can't I just be like a normal person who can listen and respect her decisions and wishes? Why am I still hanging on this even when she told me she doesn't want to be friends or even speak with me? Why can't I just love myself a little? Why can't I be normal?

 

No worries friend.

Things are still fresh but don't make the mistake of thinking that how you feel today is how you'll feel a year from now.  You'll be surprised how the soul heals.  Progress is slow, yes, but good things take time and hard work and whether its slow or not, progress is progress.  Concentrate not so much on the end goal but on the journey because that's where all the good work happens.  All the struggle, all the self-reflection, all the self-discoveries etc.  All of which you will remember and apply to your future relationships and other aspects of your life.  That may sound like a load of sap to you, but several rejections, breakups, losses and years later..I can see just how powerful and life-changing it all ended up being for me.  

Right now you just haven't logged in enough time in your post-breakup grief to see any concrete results yet.  It's just a bunch seemingly meaningless daily ups and downs.  But if you keep your mind open and you watch closely, those ups and downs are a process leading to the eventual return to yourself.  If you write and document emotions and thoughts.  If you focus on what you have instead of what you don't have.  If you focus on your goals during this period of time...then this heartbreak just might be one of the best things that ever happened for you.  Let yourself feel, but don't let it consume you.  

Regarding being normal?  F*ck that.   Nobody's normal.  Not even these women who put you down or make you feel like you're not relationship material.  Differences are good.  They challenge people to open their mind to other ideas, other perspectives, other personality types, cultures, social classes, financial classes, strengths and weaknesses etc.  If you ask me, we can all use that in this world.  What you bring to this world is special and unique and you just have to find out what that is and believe in it.  So part of your journey is about building confidence in yourself through recognizing who you are and what you're good at.  Learn what you like and dislike and what you need and don't need.  It is journey of finding yourself. 

There is no normal.  Anyone who wishes to make you feel like a freak for being who you are, in all your weakness and strength, is not even worth the energy of being upset.  Pity those people because they're the ones who are suffering. They are a slave to pleasing others at the expense of self-deception.  All those people who seem like they have it together..trust me, they got issues as well.  So don't you worry about trying to impress upon them.  Just do right for yourself and for the people who genuinely love you.  Do you know who those people are?  If not, figure it out.  It might just be one person.   And change because YOU want to.  Because it makes sense in your heart to.  If you're going to be better..be better for yourself and try to be better than who you were yesterday.  That's all you can ask of yourself.  

Love thyself all day, everyday.

- Beach

Edited February 11, 2020 by Beachead

[scooby-philly]

Breakthrough today? Okay, I know....recovery and progress isn't linear. I've had my fair share of ups and downs in the past 5.5 months and certainly know from previous relationship splits that the path forward is not a straight line. But....getting back to journaling has helped the past two weeks and....came across an article online (random search on the topic of immaturity) and the 14 points the article brokedown helps me as I journaled today and a great response in a thread I read mentioned how we can build up an image or fantasy of someone in our minds instead of letting reality build it. And yes, I am guilty of that. I was love bombed in the beginning and I had not been with someone who had shown such affection and interest so I ignored the signs and eventually disregarded the behavior that said, this wasn't right for me, I deserve better, and I'm too old to deal with immaturity. Good luck to her (lmfao) and now I can continue to unpack and learn and grow but realize it was my fault, but really, it was my inner child hoping she was something instead of letting the adult in me build the true image of her. Thanks to my buddies @Beachead @The Outlaw and @lonelyplanetmoon for the love for 4+ months

[Beachead]

@scooby-philly

Awesome stuff Scooby.  Happy to hear that you're continuing to make some strides in your healing!  It's sad sometimes that we have to look back at our situations and see it in a different light but it does teach us many things for the next time.  Keep going!

[scooby-philly]

2 hours ago, Beachead said:

@scooby-philly

Awesome stuff Scooby.  Happy to hear that you're continuing to make some strides in your healing!  It's sad sometimes that we have to look back at our situations and see it in a different light but it does teach us many things for the next time.  Keep going!

Yeah - it's sad. But if you do the work, own the emotions, and own what you did and did not do right, what you can and want to improve about yourself, and realize why you made the choices you did, you can also grow from it. For me, it's realizing that I deserve someone mature, emotionally healthy, either from a loving family or has done the work to become that themselves and has no family drama, and knows what they want - both in life and in a partner. I ignored my gut in the beginning when she love bombed me....i let her go for close to two years with out telling her parents...i let her threaten me with abandonment several times...i let her treat me like crap at times....and I let her hide things from me, be indecisive, and generally not get my needs and wants met for decreasing levels of affection. The adult in me let my inner child build up this fantasy of who she was because of that initial affection and because I mistook her lack of social life and her fake niceness for actual niceness, care, and empathy. But...it's helped me work on that inner child in the past five months and recognize that he needed attention and work still. Okay - enough about the past. Looking forward to the future.

Edited February 11, 2020 by scooby-philly
Typos.

[The Outlaw]

Somewhat dreading work tomorrow. If things don't go right, there won't be a three day weekend. 

[K.K.]

6 hours ago, The Outlaw said:

Somewhat dreading work tomorrow. If things don't go right, there won't be a three day weekend. 

Good luck Outlaw. Keeping my fingers crossed that it all goes ok! Think positive. 

[scooby-philly]

Feeling today. Yes, feeling. I know it's lurking back there. It's shame. It's shame that my family was (or is) dysfunctional. Shame that we fell apart when I was kid. Shame that I'm not richer, thinner, or better looking. Shame that I don't own a home yet. But...I've had to do so much for myself in live. I've also spent so much time, energy, and money on others that I'd be in such a different place had I been a normal guy and not the "nice guy". But I'm letting myself heal and teaching myself how to take care of me before I take care of others. Not always easy, but I'm making slow progress. One day at a time.

[The Outlaw]

Awesome until I checked the mail.  

[The Outlaw]

20 hours ago, K.K. said:

Good luck Outlaw. Keeping my fingers crossed that it all goes ok! Think positive. 

Another three day weekend incoming. 

[K.K.]

Yesssss !!see it worked out.