scooby-philly Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Just posted in the NC thread. Almost broke down and sent a text or email this morning after Google so generously shared a photo from last year. lol. Thanks Mr. Technology! Anyway, yeah, no matter how much I miss her from time to time I need to remind myself - and I did - that I put all the effort in and that I deserve someone who's proud enough of me to show me off and who's mature enough not to cut tail and run and dump me via text and IM.
The Outlaw Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 @scooby-philly, dude, she isn't worth it. Anyone that breaks up with you over a text, phone call, email, anything or even ghosts you like I was done, isn't worth a second thought no matter the history. It may hurt on her end, but the act speaks for itself. I know it's way easier said than done and it's a healing process, but it's weighing you down. You can't let it. Get out there whenever you have free time and have fun to take the edge off things. Granted, I feel better after I started to seriously vent here last week and while it's still on my mind, it isn't as strong as it was for now. While the things that people have done that have hurt us will stick, they also heal in time. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 @The Outlaw - Oh man - I agree 110%. I'm not saying I'm going to do it. And I'm not saying I don't deserve better. It's the inner child in me that still (imaginary) - wants to hold her hand and have her hold his. The adult, mature, strong man realizes that she quit w/o reason, she hid things from people and figured she could just walk away with consequences (which on one level is true because I didn't make her invest anything really) (I did get my revenge) which speaks volumes about her, and the fact that she straight bald faced lied to me and all the times she threatened to abandon the relationship, etc., yeah - I know she's not worth it. Just trying to help my little guy (inner child/young scooby) get over it and the feelings/trauma of being abandoned. Managed to get great advice the past 4 months from two folks on here privately - and the one person said it best - she's too young, inexperienced, and immature, and because of my nice guy nature she was able to act out the fantasies she's had for years about walking away from her parents as she doesn't have the strength or courage to do that or to confront them and live her own life. So yeah, just want to make sure I honor the needs and feelings of my little dude so I don't end up making a similar mistake in the future.
The Outlaw Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 You said that someone said she was too young, but how old is she?
scooby-philly Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 I said she was too young. I'm 38 and she's 24...and yeah, I know - big age gap. It didn't bother me at first because of how we met and because at first, she didn't seem too young.
2BGoodAgain Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 I've mostly moved on with my life.. post A... my relationship with my partner seems to be improving, but i get frustrated with myself when randomly, thoughts of my AP enter my head... it isn't loving thoughts, or anything like that... it's more like an uninvited invading thought... i realize, i cause this somewhere deep in my subconscious, but it's not like i consciously think about it... she enters my mind unbidden, and it's frustrating.. I literally have to give myself a lecture outloud while driving about the "reality" of her, me, us.. how she's moved on, etc... I don't use anger any more or negative thoughts about her... over these past months, thru my pain... I realized I've hurt her for years without truly understanding; i thought she hurt like i did... loss of friendship, loss of pleasure, loss of companionship, missing her laughter, missing her wit, everything.. But now i realize just how much pain i must have put her thru... as she attempted to get over me... what an ignorant fool i was...am.. i logically analyze and try to be real with what it really was... and though my head acknowledges, and even my heart recognizes... the frustrating part of me that i didn't realize existed... is obviously not completely unable to let go of her.. i keep arguing it's not love... it's not some epic love affair that lasts a life time that i rationalized to both of us.. it was just an affair, like any other... and it ended like any other... a rationalization to justify the wrongs we were committing. and the most annoying lingering question that keeps popping in my head when these episodes happens... is... when did this thing flip on me where i become the needy one and she's off moving on with her life? it's truly frustrating... I've thrown myself into my work, my relationship with my partner, my family... people think i'm a gungho workout fanatic, energetic, lively, fun... but i'm just trying to tire my brain out.. over 12yrs of memories of her and it's only NOW i'm sorting them out... realizing my arrogance, my ignorance and my complete lack of understanding of what i put my AP thru... it's kinda funny... i valued my pride above many many things... my pride would never allow me to fall into such a pathetic state as i currently am... sure... no one in my life knows what i'm going thru; they think i'm living life... but other than my partner... no one really realizes what a tormented soul i feel atm... and that's another thing, my partner... she is.. phenomenal... she breaks my heart to tears at times, when I think of how much love she has... she once told me during my dark days, when life didn't seem to have much meaning and losing my partner seem certain and i felt like i had nothing really to live for... she said... "i'm just very mad at you.. it doesn't mean i don't love you".. ... and it drives me mad..that woman, does NOT deserve the attention/time that my thoughts are distracted into... i tell myself this repeatedly and yet... my mind .. from time to time... whenever silence lasts longer than I realize.. thoughts of her enter. It helps venting this here... i love this thread.... so i can process my thoughts and vent my frustrations... you know.... i look around the gym, sometimes... and i wonder how many hearts are breaking... how many are broken... and how many have healed and moved on... then i start again.. another 50 reps at another machine... before i move to the next and the next... before i realize someone tapping my shoulder to let me know the gym is about to close... and look around to find the gym completely empty except the poor last guy closing shop. see you guys/girls around.. 1
The Outlaw Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 14 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: I said she was too young. I'm 38 and she's 24...and yeah, I know - big age gap. It didn't bother me at first because of how we met and because at first, she didn't seem too young. Don't worry about the age gap. The last girl I dated was 20 and I was 33 and I while I wasn't crazy about it, but I threw caution to the wind and went for it anyway. Things looked fantastic, but as I said, I was ghosted out of the blue and never did find out why until later. She had gotten engaged and married a short time later to a guy not that much younger than myself, so, I know that age wasn't a factor at all. I think he's about 35 and she's about 26 now. It hurt like hell at the time, sure, but I eventually got over it. WAY over it. And you will too from your breakup. You just have to accept it, move on and let it go. Trust me, it's better that way.
scooby-philly Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 2 minutes ago, The Outlaw said: Don't worry about the age gap. The last girl I dated was 20 and I was 33 and I while I wasn't crazy about it, but I threw caution to the wind and went for it anyway. Things looked fantastic, but as I said, I was ghosted out of the blue and never did find out why until later. She had gotten engaged and married a short time later to a guy not that much younger than myself, so, I know that age wasn't a factor at all. I think he's about 35 and she's about 26 now. It hurt like hell at the time, sure, but I eventually got over it. WAY over it. And you will too from your breakup. You just have to accept it, move on and let it go. Trust me, it's better that way. Oh yeah - I don't have an issue with gaps in age....but it turned out that the old wisdom was true with my relationship - the younger the person, the higher chance they can be immature and not ready for something serious, especially if you're an established, balanced, mature, and emotionally stable person. And yeah I have no idea why she dumped me literally as she still sent me cute couples' memes - but I have to guess that with her sister moving out there might have been an opportunity for her to sneak out or have guys over without her parents knowing, her masters' program was picking up in intensity and all of that plus the fact that I let her walk all over me - yeah. Well, anyway it doesn't matter. I know I deserve better and will continue to let myself heal and to get back out there and live my life with joy, happiness, abandonment, and fearlessly.
The Outlaw Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Sometimes we're better off not knowing why we were dumped. But curiosity tends to get the better of us until it just becomes obsessive. I didn't have a clue my 'ex' had gotten married until I saw it pop up on FB because we had a mutual friend. It was insulting in a way, but as I've said, wounds heal in time and she just didn't deserve you. My ex wanted to jump into bed with me the first date, but I just wanted to take it slow to see if it was worth it. And it wasn't. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 Agreed - it's the subconscious, ego, inner child that wants/needs to know "why". Me, the functioning adult knows whatever I can guess, whatever she told me, etc. it's all lies or a hot mess and I deserve better. And at the end of the day I know I gave WAY better than I got. And that's one lesson for me moving forward - not to overly commit to someone or something unless they demonstrate they're that committed to me as well. For now, outside of the occasional wall of depression or sadness, which are happening less frequently and last a lot less than they were 3 months ago, I'm actually pretty happy. Work and the non-profit group I run on the side are doing great, have some trips planned for this year and am just realizing, thanks to this forum, and some great family and friends - I deserve better and I am a good man.
scooby-philly Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 20 minutes ago, The Outlaw said: Don't worry about the age gap. The last girl I dated was 20 and I was 33 and I while I wasn't crazy about it, but I threw caution to the wind and went for it anyway. Things looked fantastic, but as I said, I was ghosted out of the blue and never did find out why until later. She had gotten engaged and married a short time later to a guy not that much younger than myself, so, I know that age wasn't a factor at all. I think he's about 35 and she's about 26 now. It hurt like hell at the time, sure, but I eventually got over it. WAY over it. And you will too from your breakup. You just have to accept it, move on and let it go. Trust me, it's better that way. Also - the age gap - or more to the point her age - MAY HAVE been the issue. Most women that age aren't mature emotionally and don't know exactly what they want - in a man, a relationship, life, career, etc. Not saying she maybe wasn't different - but given the immaturity and also problems people face growing up now, I'd approach anyone under 30 now with a long a$$ pair of tongs and treat them like they're toxic till I'm sure they weren't. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 and i meant with your last relationship @The Outlaw
The Outlaw Posted January 28, 2020 Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) I'm not worried about that anymore. It was a learning experience for me if anything, and I'd never gone along with it if my mother hadn't encouraged me to go for it anyway despite the age difference by telling me, 'You'll always wonder what could have been if you never tried.' But surely enough, we found out. But it was for the best, although, I wouldn't help her with anything if I saw her again. I know that sounds terrible, but I don't think I could bring myself to help out someone who had done me wrong in the past. Edited January 28, 2020 by The Outlaw
scooby-philly Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 It doesn't sound terrible. Of the 3 ltrs I've had and maybe if you count 2 other relationships, so those five women - I'd help 2, I'd laugh at 2, and this last one - not sure yet. Probably wouldn't lift a finger to save her from a burning fire, but you never know. And yeah - you "tried" and it didn't work out - but I do believe, despite the pain that we go to - that it's better to have loved......
AIJ Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 Had a bit of an off night. Was doing just fine yesterday, but I'm a huge football fan and typically when my team loses I would always vent to my ex and I'd feel okay again. I was working until 10pm, just a little part time job in a supermarket to go alongside my studies. It's always incredibly quiet after around 7pm. My team lost and I spent the last half an hour or so of my shift just ruminating again. Barely slept last night. Checked up on her social media pages. Fortunately everything is private so I can't see any posts or anything like that, just her profile pictures which I am becoming desensitised to - until she updates one of them, then I know I'll be back to square one. Must stop checking from this day forward. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 @AIJ - Yup - no stalking is a part of NO CONTACT! And if you find yourself unable to stop stalking her, uninstall the apps on your phone. If that doesn't stop you, outside of ones you may need for work (and I mean, absolutely need and you actually have a separate work account for that platform) - give your info for each platform to a friend and have them change your password so you can't log in and ask if they can make the occasional post or share the occasional thing they see so you don't feel weird.
AIJ Posted January 29, 2020 Posted January 29, 2020 @scooby-philly - Yeah I think I may have to go down a similar route to my last breakup. I installed an add-on to my laptop that would redirect me back to the home page of whatever website I was using if I tried to access certain pages, I'd ask a relative or friend to set a password so I couldn't disable it. Removed the apps from my phone. Helped immensely. 1
The Outlaw Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 I'm somewhat irritated, but fine overall. And just a little tired.
K.K. Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 (edited) Why you irritated Outlaw? Hope you’re ok. @The Outlaw Edited January 30, 2020 by K.K.
Beachead Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 1 hour ago, The Outlaw said: I'm somewhat irritated, but fine overall. And just a little tired. Just remember not to bottle. Vent it out somewhere. It needs to be expressed.
major_merrick Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 Coping today.... Yeah. I've been stuck at home, and working on my laptop being cooped up tends to make me mentally unwell after a while. Too many memories. I've been as tough as I've had to be for 30+ years, but time takes a bite out of you no matter how hard you try. Mom's dead. Dad's dead. They never cared about me, and I got treated like trash. Sis is in prison. She just focuses on herself. I've dealt with the chaos around me all my life, and hoped for the pain to go away but it never really does. My partners understand, but its not like there's a way to fix it. Some days, you realize that you're still that little girl with a broken heart. 2
scooby-philly Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 11 hours ago, major_merrick said: Coping today.... Yeah. My partners understand, but its not like there's a way to fix it. Some days, you realize that you're still that little girl with a broken heart. I feel your pain @major_merrick - for me, it's the little boy inside of me. Good news - you can heal her. It just takes time, attention, and focus. And while most of us can't just drop everything else and do nothing but try to heal - there are ways to help yourself heal and give that little girl the love and attention she never got as a child. You just have to be intentional with it. If you want, I can share a few good books that I continue to go back to to help me.
major_merrick Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 @scooby-philly Thanks, but I'm not much of a reader. Mostly, I just stay very busy. Which is easy to do with three babies and one on the way, plus business interests and hobbies. I've been busier than a one-legged man at a butt-kickin' contest all day today, and that has helped. And physical affection helps. My husband has known me since we were both young, and he knows the reasons why sometimes I just follow him everywhere and sit as close as I can. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 1 minute ago, major_merrick said: @scooby-philly Thanks, but I'm not much of a reader. Mostly, I just stay very busy. Which is easy to do with three babies and one on the way, plus business interests and hobbies. I've been busier than a one-legged man at a butt-kickin' contest all day today, and that has helped. And physical affection helps. My husband has known me since we were both young, and he knows the reasons why sometimes I just follow him everywhere and sit as close as I can. Would love to meet a woman like you lol. Glad to hear you got support
major_merrick Posted January 30, 2020 Posted January 30, 2020 Thanks, but you probably wouldn't....I tend to be way more aggressive than most people like a girl to be. But, its how I've survived this long. I know I embarrass my husband sometimes, but if somebody makes me mad I have no problem making a scene in public. That why my MIL labels me "the bad blonde."
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