How are you coping today?

[The Outlaw]

12 minutes ago, K.K. said:

Sweetie, I hear you loud and clear. I’ve say this every single day of my life. It never happens for me either. But you know what? I’m keeping the faith just like you advised that other poster to do. Not to mention, I’m good by myself. I like it. Less aggravation. 

Maybe you’re just an acquired taste, like me. 

Forgive her in your mind and move on from it. Not for her, but for you. Let it go. 

Keep the faith. And be good by yourself. You can do this.  

Funny how I was thinking about forgiving her myself earlier today. 

[K.K.]

Forgiving is not saying it’s ok what they did. 

Forgiveness = letting the pain go out of your heart. Let it go. 

[The Outlaw]

That may take some time if it's even possible, @K.K. I'm was just reflecting on everything again today when I mentioned it. 

[K.K.]

Of course it will, but that’s ok and to be expected. Progress is still ... progress.  

[The Outlaw]

You're right of course, but know you know some of what's been gnawing at me. 

[scooby-philly]

3 hours ago, The Outlaw said:

There seems to be almost be an unwritten rule that the people we love or are attracted to the most aren't often the best for us, but @scooby-philly, she wouldn't have ever been good for you anyway. I don't know the details, but what you posted painted a pretty clear picture. As much as it hurts, she did you a favor. The last girl I dated I fell hard for and I made the mistake of falling for her fast, but while things may have looked good, they were anything but. When it looked promising, she ghosted me out of the blue and as always, I never knew why but I eventually found out. She had started seeing someone else, probably shortly afterwards after she ditched me. One thing led to another and she was engaged, and then married. And I nearly ran into her at least twice, but ultimately did the third time and not a single word was spoken. She went out of her way to avoid me either out of shame, or because she thought she didn't do anything wrong. I started to confront her on the sales floor where I worked, but decided she wasn't worth it. That will be four years ago early this May and I haven't seen her since, but I eventually learned to pick myself back up, and while it hurt like absolute hell, I'm thankful that it happened and I don't think I'd ever thought it. What happened with you, is nothing short of a bump in the road. It happens to us all. Just keep the faith. 

@The Outlaw @K.K. - If the love fest is over and we can go back to wallowing in our pain and misery please. 

 

JUST KIDDING.!!!!! 

 

Anyway - outlaw - yeah, I'm trying my best to keep the faith. It's just sadness because I have to do everything myself in life w/o much support and that I've been foolish with not listening to my gut so many times that there was something wrong. I'm not trying to hate on any of my exes. I'm moving towards forgiveness with the last one. It was 5 months yesterday. Whatever sadness is left is not really about her - it's about me and what I want out of life. And yes, I agree, she wasn't good for me. As my new buddy here beachead reminded me a while ago - you can't let your mind focus on what we think is good for an ex or how we were the right person. Even if it's true, it blocks us from realizing they weren't right for us and it lets our mind stay in negativity. While part of me is still sad and angry - I wish her well. I won't make any judgments on what her future will be like all I know is I was in love, committed, sacrificing, loving, kind, supportive, and firm at a times, while being honest, vulnerable and open with her. I shared my darkest secrets and at least a dozen or more times she cried in my arms when she was in pain. I thought, foolishly, that she was ready for a relationship. But if you can just walk away after almost two years for no reason and you don't share the feelings with your partner that lead up to that decision as they happen over months and you don't try to work on things with them, then you don't know what love is and you're not ready for it. So in the end, my love was rejected. And the irony of it all is that nothing I could have said or done differently, better, more of, less of, would have changed the outcome in the end. Because either she truly didn't love me anymore or she ran out of fear and I couldn't have been any more patient, loving, encouraging, and all the things I thought she was looking for - but that's love. And I agree with K.K. - you're already sounding more.....

[The Outlaw]

That was more of a major rant from me. But @scooby-philly, ALWAYS go with your gut feelings and don't dismiss anything. I was always told that myself but made the mistake of ignoring it anyway. Despite how you feel, again, she wasn't good for you. 'Some people come into your life for a season and some come for a lifetime. Never mix up season people with lifetime expectations.' And @K.K., I guess I'm at least trying. I just have no problem being positive for other people and trying to help. 

[scooby-philly]

@The Outlaw agreed and I've been moving on from her. Just hit a bit of a wall last weekend but that's to be expected given the situation.  And I love that quote and its been so  true that I've mixed them up throughout my life but I've learned and adjusted after realizing my mistakes 

[Beachead]

@The Outlaw

@K.K.

I agree with K.K.  She made from very nice points.  From what I know about healing, you have to let your emotions flow freely.  For awhile, you bottled this pain up so you didn't give yourself permission to express it.  Everytime people hurt you, the pain just compounded inside.  I know when internalized, that pain manifests itself into our way of living.  Our thinking. Our actions.  Our words.  Our choices.  The way we perceive your world.  The damage we take when something bad happens to us is far more.  Everything is connected to it.  And because of this way of living, we can end up building our world with things that affirm certain biases we may have built up in our head from our past experiences..and it just further strengthens those feelings. 

It's like shoes.  The more you wear it, the more comfortable it gets and likewise the more you get used to certain thoughts, the more comfortable it gets as well.  The brain does wire itself into a habit of thought..be it positive or negative..and can get used to a feel such that that is the angle you will be inclined to approach situations in life from.  Thinking or doing differently would become foreign and difficult..and uncomfortable.

A good example of this is a person with low-esteem and little self-love.   They don't know their worth, they don't know they're capable and can be loved.  They have no boundaries.  They put heavy emphasis on being loved and accepted so they accept any kind of attention they can get because all attention is good attention in their mind.  That makes them  liable to choose and accept people who continuously treat them badly.  Terrible people are always entering our life but with this lack of strength, it becomes worse.    With bad people around that treat us badly, we start feeling like the whole world is the same and we progressively fall into a hole that is void of confidence.  We start to blame ourselves for why people don't love us.  We don't understand we are contributing to it.  It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.   

I was this person for a long time and I know how it spiralled me downward.

Not saying that's you but just an example of how bad experiences can trigger a direction of thought that can chang our life. 

The fact that your releasing your pain now is therefore a good thing in my opinion.  It means your beginning to acknowledge that pain is there and your being real with yourself.  By acknowledge it, I think you'll begin to work through it and heal from it.  You mentioned you are considering forgiving that girl that hurt you..and that sounds like the first time you've come across that thought.  I'd consider that progress.   Continue to let your feelings flow freely.

Hope that made some sense

- Beach

[The Outlaw]

@Beachead, while I've felt some release by venting about it here, I really haven't touched base with anyone about it in IRL because I don't have anyone to talk about it with anymore. But that (and multiple other things) have more than left their mark. And I've mostly turned my back on people because I've walled myself up and I'm extremely well guarded IRL and even here. I just did whatever it is I felt I had to do to protect myself. 

[scooby-philly]

1 hour ago, Beachead said:

A good example of this is a person with low-esteem and little self-love.   They don't know their worth, they don't know they're capable and can be loved.  They have no boundaries.  They put heavy emphasis on being loved and accepted so they accept any kind of attention they can get because all attention is good attention in their mind.  That makes them  liable to choose and accept people who continuously treat them badly.  Terrible people are always entering our life but with this lack of strength, it becomes worse.    With bad people around that treat us badly, we start feeling like the whole world is the same and we progressively fall into a hole that is void of confidence.  We start to blame ourselves for why people don't love us.  We don't understand we are contributing to it.  It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.   

Beachie - that's the story of my life, though if I am healthy and in the zone, I know I am awesome and I know I am lovable and I have firm boundaries.

 

Outlaw - Beachead brings up valid points. I'm not going to beat a horse to death in this thread or pretend anything we can say will get you out there. I just hope you realize when an opportunity comes that can get you out of your shell for a bit and then take it and see what happens as a result.

[The Outlaw]

@scooby-philly, Just trying to get it all out there is all. I'm surprised I even vented about anything at all. I was more than used to keeping it bottled up. 

[scooby-philly]

@The Outlaw......see. 

[Beachead]

30 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

@scooby-philly, Just trying to get it all out there is all. I'm surprised I even vented about anything at all. I was more than used to keeping it bottled up. 

Because deep down,  you want to share it because you need to because you don't want to feel the way you do.    I think a lot of people out there forget when someone opens up to them..they may not be looking for a solution or to be fixed.  

We're not always sharing to be fixed, sometimes we're sharing to realize, we're actually not alone in how we feel.  That we're not crazy.   And believe me when I say this, when you write, I know where that disillusionment and anger is coming from.  It's from not being understood.   You need to completely open up on what you feel and release it.   If you don't want to share it fully here, then PM me or Scooby or K.K or someone who's willing to listen. 

Edited January 24, 2020 by Beachead

[sothereiwas]

Everything is excellent today, except my faithful coffee maker of over 15 years has died this morning, and now I have to get a new one. This replacement of a stoically reliable, useful, and trusted partner in life is becoming a big deal, since it appears making coffee has become a lot more complicated in the last couple decades. I guess. 

Also, I have to break into a PC whose login credentials have been misplaced, and whose use is required. Not a big deal, but ... NO COFFEE!!11!!1!!one ....

[AIJ]

I've been doing fairly well but I still seem to be holding on to some sort of hope that she'll message me. I can't seem to shake it. 

[scooby-philly]

@AIJ - Not sure of the circumstances, but let it go. If she was missing you and mature she would let you know. 

[The Outlaw]

Far better since I've more than vented. It won't really ever go away, but far better. 

[AIJ]

Weekends are the worst aren't they? Been relatively fine all week, busy with Uni, gym etc. but now I'm just laying in bed ruminating again. I wish I could just switch my brain off. I can't get to grips with how it all just went so sour so quickly and how she's so willing to just throw 8 years away on the back of a bad week. 

[The Outlaw]

I'm feeling good despite the Monday woes that are slowly starting to build. I hate that day with a seething passion. 

[AIJ]

Strange how quickly I go from feeling completely broken to completely fine again. 24 hours ago I was devastated, woke up this morning and I've gone the entire day for the first time since the break up without having that intense longing sensation at any point. Those feelings had been getting less and less frequent in the last week or so. I'm honestly shocked at how well I'm taking this one, I was a mess for a good month or so at the end of my first relationship.

The one thing that is and has been bugging me is Spotify. I know it's ridiculous, I've removed her from all other forms of social media, however Spotify doesn't give you the option to block or remove followers. 

[scooby-philly]

@AIJ - Glad to hear you're feeling better. I will say, don't expect to stay on the high forever. It's okay if you rollercoaster up and down a bit. Not sure of the exact nature of your relationship and the breakup. However, being 38 and already having suffered a failed engagement years ago, I was surprised by how heart broken I was with my last split 5 months ago. Of course, despite the pain and anguish I take it as a good sign that I was totally in love and vulnerable, and I'm simply trying to learn what lessons I can about myself, my actions in a relationship, and how I view things so I can grow and be even better for myself...and when the time comes, to find a better, healthier, relationship. 

Kudos to you! Just don't block the emotions as I like to remind people.

[AIJ]

Weirdly had a dream involving my ex, I never really have dreams - that, or I just don't remember any of them. I thought this would send me back to the way I was in the immediate aftermath, couldn't get out of bed, didn't want to do anything etc. but it has actually made me feel slightly better/relieved. I'm not sure if I'm just somehow faking it and tricking myself but I honestly feel pretty much fine. Granted, my phone hasn't been this inactive for as long as I can remember, but it's actually quite refreshing. Hopefully I don't come crashing back down too hard, I'm expecting a few more ups and downs along the way. 

[scooby-philly]

@AIJ - Sounds like you're monitoring your progress routinely, which is great. Just don't get stuck trying to feel or trying to feel your feelings. Let them come and as you emerge out of them, then do the diagnosis as to what caused them.

 

As for me - decent weekend. Didn't get as much done as i wanted to but I feel energized coming into this week. Of course, realizing that I was foolish in so many relationships and settled for the wrong people and stopped pursuing how I want to live my life is both liberating and depressing. At least I know now moving forward - I can still be a good man but I don't need to be a carpet.

[The Outlaw]

Much better with the exception of yesterday afternoon.