2BGoodAgain Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 11 minutes ago, The Outlaw said: I haven't dated in five and a half years, but like you I had my heart broken at the time, but it was for the absolute best because there was just something about her I couldn't quite put my finger on. It came to an abrupt halt when she just ghosted me out of the blue and of course, I never knew why. Thing is, everything looked promising as they always do in these cases. But came to find out, on FB of all places, that she had gotten engaged and then married. And I saw her briefly about six weeks before she tied the knot and she couldn't even bring herself to face me nor I her. But I was a sucker then. I fell too hard too fast. And I paid for it, but I'm the better for it now. Luckily for me, I haven't seen her in four years in May and hopefully will never see her again. And since that time, I haven't found anyone that's caught my eye let alone look, but I've found myself thinking about another girl that I haven't seen in nearly 18 years more and more often. She's married but I wonder what would have happened if I wasn't such a total idiot back then. But that aside, I'm not willing to throw myself back out there and I may never be. But before my mother died, all she ever wanted for me was to be happily married and she was looking even after her cancer treatments. If she could see me now. not to say being single is a bad thing, but ...just don't let the damage you got from that girl ... prevent you from finding love or opening yourself to the potential. no one wants to be hurt like you've been... but that's the price ticket to be in love, i think. Not a doormat or begging to be hurt, but to make yourself vulnerable... not blindly or just throwing yourself into the wind.. but with eyes opened and taking it slow. a thought... the choice is always up to you, of course.
2BGoodAgain Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 On 12/31/2019 at 1:02 PM, MeadowFlower said: The people we have interest in, aren't interested in us. The people we don't have interest in, are interested in us. doesn't matter how many "no's"... only one "yes" matters... don't give up.
scooby-philly Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 you're 38. Stastically speaking for a US Male - that's about 50% of life expectancy. But...you weren't an adult for the first 18 years of your life, so you're not even at 50% of your adulthood years. Dude - I feel you - but you can't weigh yourself down with others hopes or expectations of you. Don't let others, alive or dead, project their beliefs, wants, values, dreams, fears on to you. Got to get some work done today but feel free to DM on here if you ever need to chat!
The Outlaw Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 47 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said: not to say being single is a bad thing, but ...just don't let the damage you got from that girl ... prevent you from finding love or opening yourself to the potential. no one wants to be hurt like you've been... but that's the price ticket to be in love, i think. Not a doormat or begging to be hurt, but to make yourself vulnerable... not blindly or just throwing yourself into the wind.. but with eyes opened and taking it slow. a thought... the choice is always up to you, of course. There was much more to it than that one girl. As much as it totally sucked, I'm glad it happened. I've just run into the wrong one (dating relationship or not) one too many times. But being screwed over by someone that pretended to care that didn't after I lost a family member, didn't do me any good. That was evil. Now, I don't dwell on anything I've posted on this thread at all, but it's still very much on the back of my mind and it's just something I won't ever forget.
scooby-philly Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 Feeling angry again - which I guess is a good thing - means, I hope, that my subconscious or inner child is getting closer to realizing it wasn't meant to be and that I deserve better.
Steve40th396 Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 No matter how I try to analyze things, I have lost my wife due to my behaviour in the past. Thats putting it lightly.
The Outlaw Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 4 hours ago, scooby-philly said: Feeling angry again - which I guess is a good thing - means, I hope, that my subconscious or inner child is getting closer to realizing it wasn't meant to be and that I deserve better. Always better to air it out and not bottle it up, man. And I don't know the nature of your previous relationship, but it's a good thing to realize that you can do better. I've weathered that storm and I'm thankful for it.
AIJ Posted January 21, 2020 Posted January 21, 2020 Having a pretty good day today and I have absolutely no idea why. It's barely been two weeks and yet I already feel as though I'm ready to search elsewhere. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 3 hours ago, The Outlaw said: Always better to air it out and not bottle it up, man. And I don't know the nature of your previous relationship, but it's a good thing to realize that you can do better. I've weathered that storm and I'm thankful for it. Yes. I can. And I will try my best to. I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to diss any of my exes. But I'm like Cezanne. Picasso's work at 25 may be worth a more than Cezanne's, but Picasso never got any better than his initial genuis. Cezanne's work kept getting better. I'm 38 and while I've had some setback and hard lessons, and some stuff I still want to work on, my life keeps getting better and better with age. And it's not even about "better" per se in a relationship - I've dated successful women, hot women, (and yes, you can be both I know), older, younger, etc. It's about being my authentic self and finding someone who cherishes me and is emotionally mature and open and wants the same thing. Anyway - will stop there. @The Outlaw - How are you holding up today? Hope the weather isn't getting you down wherever you are!
Steve40th396 Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 Today I had a bit of an emotional hiccup with my wife. I explained this separation is killing me, in so few words. She said stop analyzing everything and relax in her very sweet southern charm way.. She is a good lady. I learned through this little hiccup, that she had to deal with emotional hiccups for quite some time.. Learning about yourself is always a positive, no matter the outcome. You learned..
scooby-philly Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 Struggling not to break down at work. And I don't know why. I don't miss her. But I struggle to have my mind focus on the bad qualities - her immaturity, her secrets, her lack of self-esteem, the crap she put me through, the threats of self-harm, etc. And I do miss having someone to talk to everyday. Someone who was not just a lover but a best friend. But in retrospect what they say is true - you can look back in 5 months or 5 years and realize you never really knew or understood someone and the way in which people end a relationship proves a lot about who they are underneath any false fronts. My new buddy Beachead reminded me on here that you can't and should not dwell on what may or may not happen to somoene and that you can't fantasize you know what is best for them or focus on how you think you were right for a person. I struggle with that. I struggle because she was from a cold, shaming, heartless family that didn't do anything and were emotionally abusive. I was a rock, loving, caring, etc. blah blah blah - so yeah - maybe I was what she needed if she wanted to escape, but in the end, I wasn't what she wanted because she was still stuck in that shameful environment and she didn't have the courage to tell her parents about me. So yeah, I couldn't have done anything differently to change the eventual outcomes. I will, I hope, learn to listen to my gut and feelings and not give people my time after 3-6 months if there are problems or my gut is telling me that they're not going to be serious in the long run. Ugh. I just want to be past the hurt, the pain, the heartache. I've opened up to family and friends, cried more times than I can remember, and tried to accept and embrace the emotions. Not sure what else to do but keep working and hopefully time will heal all wounds.
The Outlaw Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 20 hours ago, scooby-philly said: Yes. I can. And I will try my best to. I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to diss any of my exes. But I'm like Cezanne. Picasso's work at 25 may be worth a more than Cezanne's, but Picasso never got any better than his initial genuis. Cezanne's work kept getting better. I'm 38 and while I've had some setback and hard lessons, and some stuff I still want to work on, my life keeps getting better and better with age. And it's not even about "better" per se in a relationship - I've dated successful women, hot women, (and yes, you can be both I know), older, younger, etc. It's about being my authentic self and finding someone who cherishes me and is emotionally mature and open and wants the same thing. Anyway - will stop there. @The Outlaw - How are you holding up today? Hope the weather isn't getting you down wherever you are! It's going to rain again here tomorrow, and we've had more than enough. They're worried about flooding and I pass over the river to work everyday and it doesn't look pretty. On the up side, I'm finished until Monday when I roll in tomorrow. Good food and lots of sleep are planned. As far as dating myself goes since I've never touched base on that, I'm done with it as far as I'm concerned. I haven't had anyone to catch my eye in years and honestly don't foresee it happening anytime soon if ever. I'm so far gone I don't think I'll be able to come back even if I wanted to. Some people as you know can be cruel, and I believe I've had run ins with the worst.
scooby-philly Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 1 hour ago, The Outlaw said: It's going to rain again here tomorrow, and we've had more than enough. They're worried about flooding and I pass over the river to work everyday and it doesn't look pretty. On the up side, I'm finished until Monday when I roll in tomorrow. Good food and lots of sleep are planned. As far as dating myself goes since I've never touched base on that, I'm done with it as far as I'm concerned. I haven't had anyone to catch my eye in years and honestly don't foresee it happening anytime soon if ever. I'm so far gone I don't think I'll be able to come back even if I wanted to. Some people as you know can be cruel, and I believe I've had run ins with the worst. I understand. Not perfect myself but am a good and decent and loving man and I've been burned. But deep down I know I deserve better and I wont quit trying.
The Outlaw Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 9 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: I understand. Not perfect myself but am a good and decent and loving man and I've been burned. But deep down I know I deserve better and I wont quit trying. I still am as well, but I wish I held that kind of optimism for myself. I do, however, try to remain that way for other people.
Beachead Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 Quote Struggling not to break down at work. And I don't know why. I don't miss her. But I struggle to have my mind focus on the bad qualities - her immaturity, her secrets, her lack of self-esteem, the crap she put me through, the threats of self-harm, etc. @scooby-philly Thanks for the love Scooby. You're doing just fine. Your mind is just doing what its supposed to be doing, and working through the situation and its working 24/7; in your sleep, when you wake up, during the day, the evening and night. A sign of that process is in your emotions cycling from content/strong to sad to anger etc. I know its exhausting and messed up but it really is such a normal process..and there is purpose behind that exhaustion you feel as it will drive you to an emotional place that'll push you to the next stage of your healing. Think of yourself as having food poisoning and this is just the process of letting all the toxic out. Your body just needs to do what it does. I was going through same feelings you are right now until things became so tiring and emotionally exhausting. I was just so tired of feeling miserable and depressed that my desire to live came out and forced my mind to think about something new and it willingly did so. You hold on to some thought or idea of something until holding onto it becomes too painful and too tiring and letting go is the only relief. Then you let go because you need that relief. It's kind of like holding your breath under water for as long as you can until you can't anymore and come up for air or running as fast you can for long as you can until you're too tired and heavy and are forced to stop. Stay strong - Beach 1
scooby-philly Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 12 hours ago, Beachead said: @scooby-philly Thanks for the love Scooby. You're doing just fine. Your mind is just doing what its supposed to be doing, and working through the situation and its working 24/7; in your sleep, when you wake up, during the day, the evening and night. A sign of that process is in your emotions cycling from content/strong to sad to anger etc. I know its exhausting and messed up but it really is such a normal process..and there is purpose behind that exhaustion you feel as it will drive you to an emotional place that'll push you to the next stage of your healing. Think of yourself as having food poisoning and this is just the process of letting all the toxic out. Your body just needs to do what it does. Stay strong - Beach Thanks Beach. I appreciate the reminder! As we discussed, the age, the secrets, and the nature of things led to it not working out. As yo mentioned to smellysocksuni on his recent post - it's only when the chips are down that people reveal their true selves - or at least where they are as a person in life. No regrets on my part for liking her or falling in love with her. And no regrets for trying to make things work. As we shared, you can't expect to have real love if you don't places yourself in a place to be vulnerable and get hurt. It's just regrets that I didn't listen to my gut at about 7 or 8 months when she made it clear that she wasn't capable of being mature yet, she wasn't ever going to tell her parents, and that she didn't really care about other people and that she thought she could do what she wanted and get away with it - treating others as stupid like she did her parents. So all lessons learned. And yeah - the only sadness that's left is really about missing having that special someone to talk to every day, to be vulnerable to, and to realize I thought I knew her but in retrospect, my opinion was off, all mixed with just sadness taht there's so much I want to do and accomplish and that for a variety of reasons I don't have a wide support net and I don't have that special someone to build a life with yet. But...I can still do me, live my life and over time, I'll accomplish what I want to and in time I'll meet that special someone.
The Outlaw Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 There seems to be almost be an unwritten rule that the people we love or are attracted to the most aren't often the best for us, but @scooby-philly, she wouldn't have ever been good for you anyway. I don't know the details, but what you posted painted a pretty clear picture. As much as it hurts, she did you a favor. The last girl I dated I fell hard for and I made the mistake of falling for her fast, but while things may have looked good, they were anything but. When it looked promising, she ghosted me out of the blue and as always, I never knew why but I eventually found out. She had started seeing someone else, probably shortly afterwards after she ditched me. One thing led to another and she was engaged, and then married. And I nearly ran into her at least twice, but ultimately did the third time and not a single word was spoken. She went out of her way to avoid me either out of shame, or because she thought she didn't do anything wrong. I started to confront her on the sales floor where I worked, but decided she wasn't worth it. That will be four years ago early this May and I haven't seen her since, but I eventually learned to pick myself back up, and while it hurt like absolute hell, I'm thankful that it happened and I don't think I'd ever thought it. What happened with you, is nothing short of a bump in the road. It happens to us all. Just keep the faith. 1
K.K. Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 1 hour ago, The Outlaw said: What happened with you, is nothing short of a bump in the road. It happens to us all. Just keep the faith. I’ve noticed a decidedly more positive spin on your posts lately, Outlaw. I think it’s because you’re finally talking about it, even if only in bits and pieces. Making progress. I like it. 1
The Outlaw Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 Just now, K.K. said: I’ve noticed a decidedly more positive spin on your posts lately, Outlaw. I think it’s because you’re finally talking about it, even if only in bits and pieces. Making progress. I like it. I swear I almost find it difficult to be positive let alone lend a helping hand after what happened the last time I did. More reluctant than absolutely anything. Scan up a few posts and you'll see what I've kept bottled up for the past two and a half years.
K.K. Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 I did see it. When you posted it. Since then I’ve noticed the change in you. That’s why I’m proud of you today. Sometimes all the pain that a person holds inside comes out in ways that they don’t realize. Can act as a deterrent for someone wanting to engage in everyday conversation. Sometimes I don’t know what to say to you so I don’t say anything. Afraid you might see me too as the enemy or something. I know that’s silly but ... Anyway, I’m glad to see you this way. I like to say that s*** out loud.
The Outlaw Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 2 minutes ago, K.K. said: I did see it. When you posted it. Since then I’ve noticed the change in you. That’s why I’m proud of you today. Sometimes all the pain that a person holds inside comes out in ways that they don’t realize. Can act as a deterrent for someone wanting to engage in everyday conversation. Sometimes I don’t know what to say to you so I don’t say anything. Afraid you might see me too as the enemy or something. I know that’s silly but ... Anyway, I’m glad to see you this way. I like to say that s*** out loud. That pain is still very much alive and I didn't touch on everything. There were parts I left out. But what I did touch base on, she still, for the life of me, ticks me off. You don't take full on advantage of someone who is grieving for your own benefit, no matter the circumstances. And this the only person that I really remembered from my middle school days that I had fond memories of. Now, I'm trying to forget she ever existed. The red flags were all there of course when she contacted me, but I was so goody goody as well as blind, I ignored them and it cost me. What she did won't ever really go away.
K.K. Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 Outlaw, I somehow think that you are associating this girl with the raw grief of losing your mom. The perceived insult to injury in that time period. Like me when my dad died and I specifically remember the ones that deserted me. But if I was thinking correctly (differently?) not so full of grief, I might had realized or understood that they weren’t inherently trying to hurt me. They were going on about life because their world was still spinning and mine had stopped. You know? Like with this girl, you say you merely reconnected as “friends”. But that she used you for moral support when she needed it and didn’t give you any. Is there any way that ... well maybe you expected more because you wanted more and when she skipped back to her life, that it just seemed way more of an insult to you than she might have even realized ? I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud. I just think it’s been a long time for it to still sting so bad. You say nothing about being in love with her, that’s why I’m a little confused.
The Outlaw Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, K.K. said: Outlaw, I somehow think that you are associating this girl with the raw grief of losing your mom. The perceived insult to injury in that time period. Like me when my dad died and I specifically remember the ones that deserted me. But if I was thinking correctly (differently?) not so full of grief, I might had realized or understood that they weren’t inherently trying to hurt me. They were going on about life because their world was still spinning and mine had stopped. You know? Like with this girl, you say you merely reconnected as “friends”. But that she used you for moral support when she needed it and didn’t give you any. Is there any way that ... well maybe you expected more because you wanted more and when she skipped back to her life, that it just seemed way more of an insult to you than she might have even realized ? I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud. I just think it’s been a long time for it to still sting so bad. You say nothing about being in love with her, that’s why I’m a little confused. I wasn't in love with her, but I just thought that she was a good woman. But I hadn't really ever really reconnected with anyone from my school days and had zero desire to do so. And at the very least, I was hoping that I found someone that *got* me. And someone I could trust, shoot the breeze with, trust, and confide in. And she blindsided me at a horrible time. And given her extremely unhappy backstory, it would be understandable but it still doesn't make it right. I've held onto it for a long time and never really touched base about it. Edited January 24, 2020 by The Outlaw
K.K. Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 3 minutes ago, The Outlaw said: And at the very least, I was hoping that I found someone that *got* me. And someone I could trust, shoot the breeze with, trust, and confide in. Sweetie, I hear you loud and clear. I’ve say this every single day of my life. It never happens for me either. But you know what? I’m keeping the faith just like you advised that other poster to do. Not to mention, I’m good by myself. I like it. Less aggravation. Maybe you’re just an acquired taste, like me. Forgive her in your mind and move on from it. Not for her, but for you. Let it go. Keep the faith. And be good by yourself. You can do this. 1
Recommended Posts