Beachead Posted January 14, 2020 Posted January 14, 2020 @The Outlaw I'm not sure what happened to you but the way you speak, I can relate. I don't trust anyone either. I've been burned several times as well by girlfriends, old friends etc. People I trusted and once considered close. When that happens over and over again and you've done your best..it changes you. In-person I can still joke and smile and be outgoing, but I'm very guarded and calculated. I hate that I've become that way but opening up to people and giving them chances led to me being taken advantage of and used..and the emotional toll it took on me nearly ended my life. Anyway, I got passed that rock bottom, and I changed. I show people respect, I let them know where I stand and give them a little bit of leeway..a little bit of love, generosity.. and I see what they do with it. If they respect that, I give them a bit more. People have to earn it now and I don't explain or justify myself to anyone anymore unless I feel like it. 1 1
The Outlaw Posted January 14, 2020 Posted January 14, 2020 13 hours ago, Beachead said: @The Outlaw I'm not sure what happened to you but the way you speak, I can relate. I don't trust anyone either. I've been burned several times as well by girlfriends, old friends etc. People I trusted and once considered close. When that happens over and over again and you've done your best..it changes you. In-person I can still joke and smile and be outgoing, but I'm very guarded and calculated. I hate that I've become that way but opening up to people and giving them chances led to me being taken advantage of and used..and the emotional toll it took on me nearly ended my life. Anyway, I got passed that rock bottom, and I changed. I show people respect, I let them know where I stand and give them a little bit of leeway..a little bit of love, generosity.. and I see what they do with it. If they respect that, I give them a bit more. People have to earn it now and I don't explain or justify myself to anyone anymore unless I feel like it. Same here. After my mom died, I heard from someone I really never expected to ever hear from again on FB. (Go figure) It was a girl that I'd gone to middle school with that at the time, I hadn't seen nor heard from in nearly twenty years. While I got the generic 'If there's anything you need, call me, text me, etc' but she took it one step further. I had a shoulder to lean on, someone I could shoot the breeze with, vent to-anything. Granted, we didn't know each other too well, but we more than remembered each other and played catch up. She had been through her own fair share of mishaps, heartbreak, drug and alcohol addiction, physical and emotional abuse (and recovering) you name it. But really long story short, despite her seemingly 'sweet' nature and the 'heartfelt' message she sent me after she learned my mother had passed, she was only looking for moral and emotional support herself. And once she got it, she cut me off without warning after a few months of conversing and even talking with her on the phone for an hour and a half. She either muted or ignored any attempt at conversation on Messenger, so I just unfriended and blocked. The red flags were as clear as day from the start, but I just threw caution to the wind and ignored the warnings and gave it a shot at reconnecting with an old friend. Being used at that stage of my life by someone that seemed to care but really didn't painted her in a negative light for me and now I'm trying to forget her. And sadly, she was the one and only person I never forgot when I was in middle school. Her problems aside, I think believe it was more than wrong and she should have known through likely being herself that it was wrong herself. And I never really spoke about it too much to anyone in RL or even here until now. I simply bottled it up and until it just started gnawing at me. Now I don't really feel I can trust anyone and I'll be damned before I go to bat for someone like I did for her. That's happened one too many times. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 19, 2020 Posted January 19, 2020 Hit a wall of severe depression and grief last night and this morning. No idea why. Keep fixating on a picture of my lost recent ex in my mind. Been almost 5 months now. But I dont know if it's me missing her or just my mind trying to do the whole "what did I do wrong" thing and try to make it's own closure. Keep replaying just a few scenes or discussions up there too. I've talked with several people here about the mind doing it's own thing for months after a major heartbreak. But lord, this is ridiculous. I know my inner child and subconscious still need a lot of work on self respect and I need to keep practicing a lot of self love and do a lot of self reflection to help me get rid of years of not doing stuff because no one wanted to do it with me and to let my passions and interests fully reemerge and grow but good god I really did not expect to hit this wall again. Like I'm usually good at eventually realizing what triggered it but I have no freaking clue now. It's a new day and I've got plenty to do. So I hope whatever my little dude needs I can provide. 1
The Outlaw Posted January 19, 2020 Posted January 19, 2020 1 hour ago, scooby-philly said: Hit a wall of severe depression and grief last night and this morning. No idea why. Keep fixating on a picture of my lost recent ex in my mind. Been almost 5 months now. But I dont know if it's me missing her or just my mind trying to do the whole "what did I do wrong" thing and try to make it's own closure. Keep replaying just a few scenes or discussions up there too. I've talked with several people here about the mind doing it's own thing for months after a major heartbreak. But lord, this is ridiculous. I know my inner child and subconscious still need a lot of work on self respect and I need to keep practicing a lot of self love and do a lot of self reflection to help me get rid of years of not doing stuff because no one wanted to do it with me and to let my passions and interests fully reemerge and grow but good god I really did not expect to hit this wall again. Like I'm usually good at eventually realizing what triggered it but I have no freaking clue now. It's a new day and I've got plenty to do. So I hope whatever my little dude needs I can provide. Time heals all wounds (if you let them) but closure is just something that you have to find for yourself for peace, as you often don't get any from the other person. Trust me, I know. I don't know what's going on with you, but it doesn't sound all that much different from me at the moment. I'm starting to feel like a broken record because I've said this so much here as of late, but as much as a breakup can and will hurt, sometimes it's just for the absolute best and it's a blessing. But all any of us can do when we're hurting is keep pushing forward and hang in there. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 19, 2020 Posted January 19, 2020 @The Outlaw Yeah - I understand about the closure piece. That will eventually come with time. And I agree. While heartache blows, it does help us (if we let it), learn, grow, and improve ourselves, our relationships and for me - this one is helping me understand that I've always settled, I've stayed way too long, and that I need to just live my life and be happy and someone great will eventually (I pray) come along.
scooby-philly Posted January 19, 2020 Posted January 19, 2020 @The Outlaw And I'm sorry to hear about your recent situation. Better, I guess, to find out a lot sooner what a person is really like or in your case, that they were not looking for anything serious with you - but you were there to fill a hole in them. I can so totally relate - my last ex - I was there to make her feel better and to give her something to do because she had no friends or social life and her family was just toxic. So I hear you - at least you didn't get involved with her (unless you didn't share that) more than emotional and psychological support.
The Outlaw Posted January 19, 2020 Posted January 19, 2020 (edited) 2 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: @The Outlaw Yeah - I understand about the closure piece. That will eventually come with time. And I agree. While heartache blows, it does help us (if we let it), learn, grow, and improve ourselves, our relationships and for me - this one is helping me understand that I've always settled, I've stayed way too long, and that I need to just live my life and be happy and someone great will eventually (I pray) come along. I hope the same that someone great comes along for myself as well, but I just don't know. My post from Tuesday on this thread will explain a heck of a lot. Edited January 19, 2020 by The Outlaw 1
The Outlaw Posted January 19, 2020 Posted January 19, 2020 Just now, scooby-philly said: @The Outlaw And I'm sorry to hear about your recent situation. Better, I guess, to find out a lot sooner what a person is really like or in your case, that they were not looking for anything serious with you - but you were there to fill a hole in them. I can so totally relate - my last ex - I was there to make her feel better and to give her something to do because she had no friends or social life and her family was just toxic. So I hear you - at least you didn't get involved with her (unless you didn't share that) more than emotional and psychological support. It's not like she and I dated or anything, but she was just someone that I went to middle school with that I hadn't seen in nearly twenty years and heard from her out of the blue after my mother had passed and it just raised one too many red flags. And like I said, we didn't know each other that well, but we more than remembered the other one. We met when I was 14 and she was 13. I remember that when we did catch up after all that time she did let me in on what's happened in her life and while it was the worst, I still couldn't but to help feel used. I had at least thought that I had found someone myself that I could talk to, shoot the breeze with and confide in, but I was wrong. And it's been two and a half years since I've opened up to anyone about anything whether it's that, my mother's death and other things. I've felt angry, empty, alone and didn't care whether I lived or died. I just feel like I'm so far gone there isn't any turning back. Ever. I used to be the kind of guy that had the big heart and would give anyone the shirt off my back, but not anymore. That day is done. 1
scooby-philly Posted January 19, 2020 Posted January 19, 2020 1 hour ago, The Outlaw said: It's not like she and I dated or anything, but she was just someone that I went to middle school with that I hadn't seen in nearly twenty years and heard from her out of the blue after my mother had passed and it just raised one too many red flags. And like I said, we didn't know each other that well, but we more than remembered the other one. We met when I was 14 and she was 13. I remember that when we did catch up after all that time she did let me in on what's happened in her life and while it was the worst, I still couldn't but to help feel used. I had at least thought that I had found someone myself that I could talk to, shoot the breeze with and confide in, but I was wrong. And it's been two and a half years since I've opened up to anyone about anything whether it's that, my mother's death and other things. I've felt angry, empty, alone and didn't care whether I lived or died. I just feel like I'm so far gone there isn't any turning back. Ever. I used to be the kind of guy that had the big heart and would give anyone the shirt off my back, but not anymore. That day is done. Well - it's okay to be a good guy, and not the proverbial "nice guy". There's always hope - have you tried getting out and doing what brings you joy? As down as I've gotten the past 5 months, I've still forced myself out to do what brings me joy. It's just been tough once in a while as part of my grieving and growing from the split is just realizing I've given to soo many people - and I've stayed in friendships and relationships when a normal, sane, emotionally healthy person would have left. but that was my lesson to learn.
The Outlaw Posted January 19, 2020 Posted January 19, 2020 (edited) 17 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: Well - it's okay to be a good guy, and not the proverbial "nice guy". There's always hope - have you tried getting out and doing what brings you joy? As down as I've gotten the past 5 months, I've still forced myself out to do what brings me joy. It's just been tough once in a while as part of my grieving and growing from the split is just realizing I've given to soo many people - and I've stayed in friendships and relationships when a normal, sane, emotionally healthy person would have left. but that was my lesson to learn. I never get out of the house other than to work, and that's the only time I'm really sociable but I've gotten worse as time has gone by. Not trying to rain on your parade, but any hope I think or feel I've had, it long gone. Anything would have done to make myself happy I just have no interest in. That incident a few years ago with my old 'friend' didn't do me any favors either. A person can only take so much and I feel like I've just had my fill. I've taken more than a step back and really refrain from helping anyone with anything. But like I've said, I've reached out to no one and I feel like I'm totally on my own and on a slow downward spiral. Edited January 19, 2020 by The Outlaw
scooby-philly Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 1 hour ago, The Outlaw said: I never get out of the house other than to work, and that's the only time I'm really sociable but I've gotten worse as time has gone by. Not trying to rain on your parade, but any hope I think or feel I've had, it long gone. Anything would have done to make myself happy I just have no interest in. That incident a few years ago with my old 'friend' didn't do me any favors either. A person can only take so much and I feel like I've just had my fill. I've taken more than a step back and really refrain from helping anyone with anything. But like I've said, I've reached out to no one and I feel like I'm totally on my own and on a slow downward spiral. No worries - i can understand and relate - to an certain extant. You'd be surprised that you can find good people still in this world, but you got to put the initial effort in!
The Outlaw Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 15 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: No worries - i can understand and relate - to an certain extant. You'd be surprised that you can find good people still in this world, but you got to put the initial effort in! But that's the problem. I don't put any effort in because I'm keeping absolutely everyone at arm's length because of past history.
scooby-philly Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Then you're in a vicious circle - the only way to break out is to try, to leap off the edge with some faith.
Beachead Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) @The Outlaw That's because you're scared to be burned because you have been burned. You're tired and pissed off and hope is the last thing you want because hope is what lead you to pain in the first place. In the end, you kept opening up to people and they just kept on showing you why you shouldn't. You were the only constant in that ongoing process, piling on one bad experience at a time. All of its in your memory and there's probably some form of PTSD there. Ofcourse you feel the way you do. Just relax with it. Could you be better? Sure. We all could be. We all have things we could work on. But if you don't want to open up to anyone anymore, you don't have to. It's your truth. You have to live your life in line with it and with your heart because only then will you travel to places you were meant to visit and face the crossroads you were meant to face. And this doesn't mean you can't talk to people, have interactions, share conversations, experiences, knowledge, wisdom. You will. You just won't be letting anyone get too close to the heart which means you will reap what you sow; a journey largely absent of emotional intimacy. A journey of solitude. But then again, you could also try finding those few good people out there like you have thus far, and you could continue to wind up back in this boat. All relationships are risk; family, friendships, relationships. To get a little, you have relinquish a little. A little bit of pride, ego, vulnerability to the other, with the hope they'll give it back to you. Sometimes its reciprocated, sometimes it's not. Once in awhile, it can lead into something amazing. Most times, maybe not. There is no way around it. But whatever the outcome, there is always something you can learn from either experience; either in choosing to let someone in or open up to them and feeling the weight of that decision on your life OR choosing to not get close to that someone and feel the weight of that decision on your life. There is always something you will learn. Something positive or something that makes you feel crummy and so you make changes that make it a positive. Something you can always apply back to yourself. If you got the energy and the will to take on that risk to discover it, then do it. It could be a risk you'd be thankful for. But if you don't have the energy or the will, then f*ck it. Whatever you choose to do, just understand the outcome (As I'm pretty sure you already know) and make sure it's what you want to do and proceed full force with no regrets. You make the calls on how you want your story to go. No one else. If you get to the point where you feel you want to make some changes, then make some changes. Hope that makes sense. I take my approach to my own life this way and it ended up proving to be far more healing. I feel far more at peace with myself than I ever did, trying to be someone I wasn't. - Beach Edited January 20, 2020 by Beachead 1 1
Angelflower Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Post holiday blues... are really getting to me. I am not doing very well. woke up again crying... this has been going on for months now. There is on one in my life who cares about me and it causes me great anguish. The devil is winning and I feel like giving up. The pain and heartache just doesn't stop.
Angelflower Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) I have had many heartbreaks in my life but the rejection of my adult children by far is the hardest to deal with. I feel like such a failure. Edited January 20, 2020 by Angelflower
scooby-philly Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Agree with Beachead - your life is what you make of it. I'm 38 and have never been married and don't have kids yet. I could sit and bemoan all day and night and feel like a failure. And don't get me wrong, sometimes I do. I've made mistakes in relationships. I've chosen friends poorly. I've spent a lot of time, energy, money, and lost opportunity trying to please others, doing what others wanted to do instead of what I wanted to do. And getting hurt in the end, especially with relationships, because I was so focused on being the "nice guy' and giving so much while barely getting anything in return, to the point where it seems I have little self-respect. But in reality, I'm not doing that bad. I have money in the bank, I've started saving for retirement. While my career isn't as good as I would like it to be, it's not bad and there's room to grow. I can meet new people, I have friends, a few close ones, and family that care about me. And I can meet someone special eventually and that even if we're too old for kids, we can still build a life together. Not saying that to brag - more of - life is what we make of it and the perception we have of things.
The Outlaw Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) @Beachead and @scooby-philly, I know exactly what I should do but I'm still at rope's end. I was just too 'nice' at the time and now that makes me sick since I repeatedly put myself in an uncomfortable position to be used over and over again to the point to where I just don't help people anymore. I maybe labeled an a**hole to some people because of it, but it comes with the territory. But now I see my younger brother and my dad doing the exact same things I did and it just drives me insane. But like you, scooby, I'm also 38 and I've never been married and that's an idea that I've tossed aside for good. And I've wanted that ever since I was 17. But I'm just not going to invest years in something I just don't believe in anymore. And it's a shame because I'd made a better husband and father than a lot of these deadbeat parents you have today. But while I may be down, I'm still very far from out. But it's still all very much easier said than done. Edited January 20, 2020 by The Outlaw
scooby-philly Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 @The Outlaw - Dude, I hear ya. It's sad and discouraging sometimes. But I've tried to start using the mantra - I'm a good man, and anyone who would judge me for being 38, never married, and no kids, or think there's something "wrong" with me, can kiss my white ass. Not to say I'm perfect...I'm not. I have a little bit of a temper (no, I've never hit anyone, let alone a SO), I can be impatient, and I can also shut down at times (I'm a Cancer, I think it comes with the territory - not that I'm excusing it). But...I'm kind, hard working, affectionate, loyal, caring, sweet, romantic, willing to learn, teachable, creative, simple, and down to earth. And guess what, I'm also not going to stop being a good man. However, I will not be the "nice guy" anymore. I will give, but only so much. I will give, but for family, close friends, or if I get in a relationship, over time, my level of "giving" will match the other persons. Still a good man, but not willing to be a fool. More importantly, just going to live my life. No regrets and no apologies. Anyone got a beef? I have a few sharped axes they can speak with. 1
The Outlaw Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 13 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: @The Outlaw - Dude, I hear ya. It's sad and discouraging sometimes. But I've tried to start using the mantra - I'm a good man, and anyone who would judge me for being 38, never married, and no kids, or think there's something "wrong" with me, can kiss my white ass. Not to say I'm perfect...I'm not. I have a little bit of a temper (no, I've never hit anyone, let alone a SO), I can be impatient, and I can also shut down at times (I'm a Cancer, I think it comes with the territory - not that I'm excusing it). But...I'm kind, hard working, affectionate, loyal, caring, sweet, romantic, willing to learn, teachable, creative, simple, and down to earth. And guess what, I'm also not going to stop being a good man. However, I will not be the "nice guy" anymore. I will give, but only so much. I will give, but for family, close friends, or if I get in a relationship, over time, my level of "giving" will match the other persons. Still a good man, but not willing to be a fool. More importantly, just going to live my life. No regrets and no apologies. Anyone got a beef? I have a few sharped axes they can speak with. I'm an Aries but I'm basically the same way. I just took a hell of a hit at the worst possible time.
2BGoodAgain Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 26 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: @The Outlaw - Dude, I hear ya. It's sad and discouraging sometimes. But I've tried to start using the mantra - I'm a good man, and anyone who would judge me for being 38, never married, and no kids, or think there's something "wrong" with me, can kiss my white ass. Not to say I'm perfect...I'm not. I have a little bit of a temper (no, I've never hit anyone, let alone a SO), I can be impatient, and I can also shut down at times (I'm a Cancer, I think it comes with the territory - not that I'm excusing it). But...I'm kind, hard working, affectionate, loyal, caring, sweet, romantic, willing to learn, teachable, creative, simple, and down to earth. And guess what, I'm also not going to stop being a good man. However, I will not be the "nice guy" anymore. I will give, but only so much. I will give, but for family, close friends, or if I get in a relationship, over time, my level of "giving" will match the other persons. Still a good man, but not willing to be a fool. More importantly, just going to live my life. No regrets and no apologies. Anyone got a beef? I have a few sharped axes they can speak with. temper... lol. i have this pet peeve with mice that don't work... the moment the mouse has a slight defect, i start slamming that thing against the desk... back when they used to use rubber roller balls. lol. i once smashed one into pieces and i was like.. wahhh??? 1
scooby-philly Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 25 minutes ago, The Outlaw said: I'm an Aries but I'm basically the same way. I just took a hell of a hit at the worst possible time. I understand and can relate. With my last ex, I thought I had found the one and was ready to stop playing the field - which was my first experience really doing that. And oops - 2 years later, she broke my heart. And after I had put my life on hold in many ways for her. Stupid of me, but I recognize that now in hindsight and i've done a lot of work and grieving to forgive myself. All you have to do is find ONE THING that will get you out and that you can do simply because you enjoy it. No expectations on meeting others that leads to friendship or relationships, just something you want to do that you can do with others and then the ball starts slowly rolling from there.
AIJ Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Completely broken. In the immediate aftermath of the breakup, I was fairing pretty well largely because I hadn't accepted it was actually over. I contacted her attempting to fix things, to which she said it wasn't repairable. I have since been NC. Unable to sleep, unable to eat, crippling anxiety, and I cried for hours last night. I don't want to do anything but I am in the process of studying for my Masters degree, really struggling to focus.
2BGoodAgain Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 This is a good thread for new members and old alike... I'm no longer deeply emotionally attached to my AP.... it's been that way for a few weeks, to which i'm relieved. The impact in my life was devastating and confused me as hell, b/c i couldn't figure out what was so tragic that it would affect me this much. I've been to the ER twice now, both for the same issue... breathing issues to the point where my heart rate goes 200/100.... ran a battery of tests... it was hilarious b/c they ran a drug test on me... words that were never ever associated with me, by myself much less others... i tested negative... posted it on facebook, lol... it was hilarious to me... having said that... i've done nuclear tests, and CT w/contrast scans, and NADA... nothing wrong with me... but the readings are accurate... my doctor told me it might be b/c of my heartache(i finally confessed to him, what i've been going thru)... adds stress to my mind/body and it's reacting to it... CRAZY right??? so after a 3000$ bill.... dozens of tests, scans, etc... my cardiologist is baffled, my doctor (i think she's a romantic)...thinks i'm suffering from heartbreak.... my endocrinologist thinks it's b/c the last Star Wars movie was so bad... don't ask. the point is, i've found myself becoming her... her fears of loneliness, of silence... i've adopted unconsciously, i think.. and that bothers me. Nothing about my relationship/feelings for her, constitutes love, in my book. I've mentally accepted that it's a form of addiction, that i have.. but honestly, i've never had it this bad before... nowadays, thoughts of her creep into my mind, and i force it down... not bury it, but remind myself why it would have never worked out, what the major flaws were, she's moved on to another relationship(not thinking/concerned about me, etc)... just being truthful and honest about what happened, the hurt i gave her by leading her on with my own selfishness, b/c i realized i didn't love her... i was using her for how she made me feel... i have very little anger left towards her, now that i accepted that truth... and it should allow me to move on... the fact that i'm thinking about her every other hour or day... makes me think there must be more about myself, i haven't uncovered yet. I'm hoping with time, i can move on.. but lately, i get sudden bouts of ... suffocating fear. Of the breathing/heart issues happening again. B/c my doctors can't figure out what triggers it, I get ridiculous bouts of fear that kinda "wash" over me suddenly... then it's gone, but the echoes of that fear linger. I take deep breaths to convince myself that it isn't happening... but the fear lingers... my partner is slowly coming out of her shell, more and more... we seem to be able to talk more about my A, in a calm manner... no big hurts, no jabs...it isn't casual or anything, but we timidly approach the topic....and talk... and we're more open and communicate better.. though, there are times, we hit a wall...but it isn't a wall about my AP... but more about us... but it doesn't seem insurmountable, as it did before. I realize I should have done this from the beginning... instead of being a coward and fearing an end to this relationship and therefore, not confront... i realize i stunted the growth of our relationship, b/c of my A. It was an easy escape. I try not to knock myself down too hard for it, that it gets in the way of becoming a stronger, more honest person... with myself and others, but it can be quite hard. I am my own worst enemy and self-hater. Man, this is getting long. I love the cute new folk who say "this is gonna be a long one"... but it's so short... lol... and they apologize too. Everyone out there... both the betrayed and the betrayer... be honest, be kind, make wiser choices, protect yourselves, and realize your mistakes and the hurts others have put on you... do NOT define you. You CAN make better choices, you CAN live better lives, you do NOT deserve suffering or pain or dishonesty. You do deserve to love, to be loved, and to be happy; but YOU have to be honest with yourself and grab it!
The Outlaw Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 13 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: I understand and can relate. With my last ex, I thought I had found the one and was ready to stop playing the field - which was my first experience really doing that. And oops - 2 years later, she broke my heart. And after I had put my life on hold in many ways for her. Stupid of me, but I recognize that now in hindsight and i've done a lot of work and grieving to forgive myself. All you have to do is find ONE THING that will get you out and that you can do simply because you enjoy it. No expectations on meeting others that leads to friendship or relationships, just something you want to do that you can do with others and then the ball starts slowly rolling from there. I haven't dated in five and a half years, but like you I had my heart broken at the time, but it was for the absolute best because there was just something about her I couldn't quite put my finger on. It came to an abrupt halt when she just ghosted me out of the blue and of course, I never knew why. Thing is, everything looked promising as they always do in these cases. But came to find out, on FB of all places, that she had gotten engaged and then married. And I saw her briefly about six weeks before she tied the knot and she couldn't even bring herself to face me nor I her. But I was a sucker then. I fell too hard too fast. And I paid for it, but I'm the better for it now. Luckily for me, I haven't seen her in four years in May and hopefully will never see her again. And since that time, I haven't found anyone that's caught my eye let alone look, but I've found myself thinking about another girl that I haven't seen in nearly 18 years more and more often. She's married but I wonder what would have happened if I wasn't such a total idiot back then. But that aside, I'm not willing to throw myself back out there and I may never be. But before my mother died, all she ever wanted for me was to be happily married and she was looking even after her cancer treatments. If she could see me now.
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