How are you coping today?

[smellysocksuni]

I find that the pain is lessening. Getting used to seeing her around. She's like a ghost, really. It's weird when you have to be around someone you've split up with/fallen out with - I think this experience has put me off ever dating anyone I'm around at work/college ever again. I wouldn't even know what to say if we spoke, and I realise that even if we did have a 'closure' talk, we'd still be in the same situation, anyway. Still have to go our separate ways. It's so weird. It's as if I remember exactly how I felt when we first hung out, wondering where it would go, what would happen with us, it was all so exciting. And now I'm here, at the end of it - nothing happened, I got hurt, she turned out to be the opposite of what I thought she was - it's kind of like seeing into the future, or something. God I am not making any sense, lol. 

 

Anyway. Term 1 has ended. I made it through the full term 1, still term 2 to go. I have made friends with other people in class, and people seem to like me. I seem to be able to get on with anyone, actually. I used to think people didn't like me, but I think that was partly my own guard up, low self-esteem. I remember being so worried about coming back to uni, thinking that I would have no one to talk to and that she would - it is actually the opposite. She doesn't talk to anyone - and I can just bounce around, talking to whoever is about. I feel that has given me a lot of confidence and reassurance. I just wish I hadn't wasted so much time on her and gotten to know these people more over the past three years, but hey.  

 

Anyway. I'm just ranting. And posting here so I can look back in five years and say "wow, did I really feel all of that over HER?!" - lmao

 

 

[mark clemson]

Awesome progress!

[smellysocksuni]

10 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Awesome progress!

 

Not sure if this was aimed at me, but if it was, thank you 

[mark clemson]

Yes, it was.

[smellysocksuni]

Thanks, Mark! 

[MeadowFlower]

On 12/10/2019 at 8:29 AM, scooby-philly said:

@MeadowFlower - I love that quote. I think for those of us, guys in particular, who are givers by nature (or "caretakers"), and/or who grew up with low self-esteem or seeking love/affection from parents who couldn't provide it - we often settle for people simply because they say yes. It's been a depressing few days for me and it's been a rollercoaster for the past 3.5 months since I got dumped. In reality I should be happy to be free of someone who "did so little for me" as your quote said, and for someone who was all talk and no action but it still hurts. And more than anything else, it hurts because I feel like I don't know what to do next. I know I can be happy and just live my life. But I also know that I need to continue my recovery and part of that is going through the pain - the loneliness, the shame, the anger, the hurt. I will emerge from it on the "other side" - but more than anything I need to learn to just live my life, to not settle, and to not "chase" people. Either they want me or they don't.

@scooby-phillyWe all just want to be desired. 

[Beachead]

@MeadowFlower  Indeed we do.  A fundamental human quality.

@smellysocksuni  

 

Quote

Anyway. I'm just ranting. And posting here so I can look back in five years and say "wow, did I really feel all of that over HER?!" - lmao

 

100%.  You might think about it her once in a while but it won't affect you like this.  You just need finish up school and physically create space from her so you never have to see her or her antics again.  Out of sight, out of mind.  

 

 

[2BGoodAgain]

ahh... where do I begin.. 

Life has been topsy-turvy past couple of months... 

 

so my 12+yr affair with a married woman is over. Yeah, we broke up many times in those 12 years, but this time, there was a finality to it. Never in 12 years has she moved on to a diff guy; it's always been me. and I've rejected her for over 10 years, choosing the current relationship I'm in. But every time we broke up, we always felt we were a bit... permanent. Even if we don't end up together, b/c I was in 2 long term relationships during those 12 years, we'd be like those story lovers who never quite forgot the other. 

 

what delusions we come up with to justify our affairs, huh? If the affair is the love of a life time, it justifies destroying lives, lying, cheating, etc... 

 

Looking back now, I see I willfully ignored red flags and obvious signs she was into how I made her feel and not the actual person, me. I don't believe she maliciously lied to me or tricked me, she genuinely believed she loved me. But the reality was that she was escaping her loveless marriage and I was escaping difficulties in my relationships and both of us, instead of dealing with it or ending it, we escaped to each other, the fantasy. 

 

We believed what we had was special b/c we'd be so drawn to each other, we'd literally spend every waking moment to talk/text/vid. We would forego healthy amounts of sleep just to talk. hours upon hours, days upon days, weeks into week. Those movies/stories about how you'd meet someone and talk for hours, days? pfft. We'd talk YEARS.. and we thought that somehow made what we were doing right, when really it wasn't. I watched her kids grow up, we shared our tears, our fears, our hurts, our pasts... all of it only seem to prove what we meant to each other. But I ignored the moments when she was unkind, or the times she was immensely selfish, or the times she was unreasonably unreasonable.

 

In the end, she moved on to a guy who fit her idea of what she wanted, and even though she slept with me, fought with me, cried with me, kissed me, told me she loved me... even got pregnant and miscarried, 2 weeks later, she tells me she's going on a date with a worthwhile guy... and knowing her, she's been talking to him probably a week earlier than that...  I ended it with her right there and there. Said some truths, that needed to be said that I knew she'd hate to hear and she started to block me from one media medium to another, until everything was blocked and I was basically forced out. 

 

What's more ironic is that for the longest time she was the one asking and I rejecting, but somehow, the relationship dynamics flipped. I was the one hurting and she had moved on. Karma, perhaps. I honestly felt I deserved all the pain coming my way.  and boy did it hit me to the core of my being.

 

I realize I wasn't in love with her, but I missed that feeling she gave me every time she'd do something crazy to prove her love for me. Everything about her was intense.. the conversations, the fights, the sex, everything. and somehow I got addicted to it. I started to go thru withdrawal symptoms; and i'm not talking about the usual heart break, going crazy, obsessed kind of post-relationship heartache... i'm talking about the worst withdrawal feeling in my life. I once took Oxycodine after a terrible car accident to deal with the pain; the low as so devastating, I told my doctor i'd rather be in intense physical pain rather than that emotional low I went thru after the high wore off. This was 100X worse. 

 

Everything seem not worthwhile. Everything. Including the relationship I was in. It had its difficulties, but no excuse for turning to my affair as an easy escape from my reality. It was a choice I made and in the end, I was only thinking about my next high than the person who loved me. 

 

It was so bad, that for the first time in my life, I couldn't hide how I was feeling. She noticed. She found out. She raged, she cried, she hurt, and over time, I saw how much I hurt her. I'm still finding out and though she hasn't thrown me out, our engagement is over and we're starting over.. with no guarantee that it'll work out. I accepted the terms, entered into therapy, and am finding out some startling things about myself, my actions, even after the fact. And I'm sure i'll find out more.

 

I appreciate many folks on here who have posted their honest feelings, their lost thoughts, their fears, their hopes, their desires, their pain. I can relate to every one of you. and it's helped me immensely process my own thoughts and feelings. And I'm sure there's more to come, but so far, that's where I'm at.

 

But there is hope... I've started to see my partner with a start of love again, it bring me to tears the love she has for me.. how did I not see it before???... I was so afraid I wouldn't...that somehow my relationship with my affair would have permanently changed/damaged me where the only thing i'd recognize as love was that same kind of intense, crazy high that was an illusion of love.  Things are starting to matter a little more than before. The constant pain that I've been feeling for months have started to ebb slowly away. Today, I actually felt hunger for the first time in months. Isn't that the oddest discovery? I never thought i'd be in such pain that it'd numb me to hunger. 

 

Fear and Pain. The fears I once had, though I know they're still there, doesn't seem as huge compared to the pain I've felt hitting rock bottom. When you hit rock bottom, you have a choice... change n live... or don't change n die slowly... going from one high to the next. Kind of like a drug addict. I'm not disillusioned to think that the craving is gone... like any drug addict, I know that craving is just around the corner.. but this time, having gone thru such pain... I want to change... I don't want to go from relationship high to relationship high... I want a peace and love that my affair could never find b/c what she saw in me wasn't me, she saw what I made her feel...  and the problem with that concept is that you will never find peace.. you'll just jump from feeling to feeling, filling the void b/c it isn't a person, it's an intense addiction, an intense addictive feeling, a high that you can never maintain b/c of the lows that it ultimately makes you feel.

 

So that's where I am in my life. A little hopeful, a therapist to give me perspective and a chance to change myself, and realizing the only power in my life that I control is the power of choice to be a better, kinder, loving human being, who can look at all of you with sympathy, honesty, empathy and ultimately love. 

 

good luck to you all.

 

 

[smellysocksuni]

19 hours ago, Beachead said:

 

@smellysocksuni  

 

 

100%.  You might think about it her once in a while but it won't affect you like this.  You just need finish up school and physically create space from her so you never have to see her or her antics again.  Out of sight, out of mind.  

 

 

 

Totally. Annoyingly since that last post I went in yesterday and she walked past me again, looking straight ahead. It then just triggered everything off again, and I wanted to make contact, ask why, blah blah. Without those constant triggers and the underlying hope that she'll engage with me at uni, I'll be able to move forward properly. 

 

I also start counselling on Monday, which I've been waiting for for months! Looking forward to moving forward and working with someone to help me do so.

Edited December 13, 2019 by smellysocksuni

[scooby-philly]

@smellysocksuni - That's great news - both the counseling and the fact that it sounds like you had a relapse but hopefully it didn't last long!

[scooby-philly]

On 12/10/2019 at 7:36 PM, smellysocksuni said:

I find that the pain is lessening. Getting used to seeing her around. She's like a ghost, really. It's weird when you have to be around someone you've split up with/fallen out with - I think this experience has put me off ever dating anyone I'm around at work/college ever again. I wouldn't even know what to say if we spoke, and I realise that even if we did have a 'closure' talk, we'd still be in the same situation, anyway. Still have to go our separate ways. It's so weird. It's as if I remember exactly how I felt when we first hung out, wondering where it would go, what would happen with us, it was all so exciting. And now I'm here, at the end of it - nothing happened, I got hurt, she turned out to be the opposite of what I thought she was - it's kind of like seeing into the future, or something. God I am not making any sense, lol. 

 

Anyway. Term 1 has ended. I made it through the full term 1, still term 2 to go. I have made friends with other people in class, and people seem to like me. I seem to be able to get on with anyone, actually. I used to think people didn't like me, but I think that was partly my own guard up, low self-esteem. I remember being so worried about coming back to uni, thinking that I would have no one to talk to and that she would - it is actually the opposite. She doesn't talk to anyone - and I can just bounce around, talking to whoever is about. I feel that has given me a lot of confidence and reassurance. I just wish I hadn't wasted so much time on her and gotten to know these people more over the past three years, but hey.  

 

Anyway. I'm just ranting. And posting here so I can look back in five years and say "wow, did I really feel all of that over HER?!" - lmao

 

It's all about learning my friend. Learning who we are, what we want, what we need, what we tolerate, what's important and what's not to us. And to learn the ways in which we were damaged growing up and recovering as best as we can from that to become the best versions of ourselves we can be. This is awesome to hear and while even today I feel down and depressed - realizing I wasted over a year with my ex (from the moment I think I should have left) and the time wasted with others. But that was part of my learning and healing process. Still room to grow, learn, and evolve - but I've been in TLC mode for 3 months and am lucky enough to make a good enough living to do that, so I am truly blessed and thankful this holiday season.

 

[Cora]

It’s always hard for me this time of year.  We first met just before Christmas 5 years ago.  We shared our first kiss on New Year’s Eve.  And to think he’s with the same girl he left me for.  Breaks my heard every time...

[The Outlaw]

Besides being strapped for cash over something that wasn't my fault, I'm hanging in there the best I can despite being agitated over things at work since yesterday morning. 

[MeadowFlower]

There's a fault in the man/woman relationship thing if a woman is disqualified from being loved and wanted in a relationship because she looks ugly or unattractive. If there is no such thing as unconditional love from a man to a woman, regardless of appearance, then that form of relationship is lame. 

[Beachead]

Hey everyone,

 

Hope you guys are doing okay.    I know the holidays can be warm and comforting but lonely and challenging as well.   And if you feel the latter, I want you to remember to concentrate on you.  Concentrate on what you are doing with your life and what you want to accomplish.    How do you get there?  What do you need to do?   Write it down, tape it to your ceiling or your wall..someplace that you will see everytime.  

 

2 other things..

 

1.  Find a jar or a box or some kind small container for the new year and starting from January 1st 2020..everytime you find yourself smiling or having a good moment, write that moment down on piece of paper or a sticky, fold it, and put it into that jar.  December 31, 2010..dump it all out and read all the good times you had.

 

2. Write on a sheet of paper, one small thing you want to accomplish in your day or your week or month..fold it up and put it in your purse or your wallet.  Read it everytime you are out.  A friend of mine a long time ago told me he did it and he showed me the piece of paper one night when we were all heading out to the city. 

 

It said, "Today, I'm going to have fun with my friends."    That moment had a profound impact on my life.   I share what he did for me with you all.

 

Happy Holidays folks

 

- Beach

[The Outlaw]

I'm not doing too hot at the moment. It seems like it just gets worse every Christmas, and this will be the third Christmas we've 'celebrated' since my mom died. It's meaningless to me without the people you love in it, and I'm going to refrain from going into further detail. It's getting late and I'm dreading work tomorrow and I just don't want to go in. Hopefully things will get better.  

[K.K.]

18 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

I'm not doing too hot at the moment. It seems like it just gets worse every Christmas, and this will be the third Christmas we've 'celebrated' since my mom died. It's meaningless to me without the people you love in it, and I'm going to refrain from going into further detail. It's getting late and I'm dreading work tomorrow and I just don't want to go in. Hopefully things will get better.  

 

Aw Outlaw, I hope things gets better for you !  Christmas is not a happy time for me either so I know what you’re saying. All of it. It’s almost over though, we’ve almost made it through. Hang in there buddy. 

[The Outlaw]

16 minutes ago, K.K. said:

 

Aw Outlaw, I hope things gets better for you !  Christmas is not a happy time for me either so I know what you’re saying. All of it. It’s almost over though, we’ve almost made it through. Hang in there buddy. 

I don't know. Everyday has been a struggle since she died, and I've been holding back. 

[K.K.]

Outlaw - wishing you a good day. 

[The Outlaw]

24 minutes ago, K.K. said:

Outlaw - wishing you a good day. 

You too, KK. 

[scooby-philly]

@outlaw - Hope things cheer up for you. Losing someone you're close too is never easy. Have you either tried counseling or different things to try and break the heartache and move on? I doubt anyone's mother would want them crippled by their loss. You can honor her memory and her love by leading the best life you can!

[scooby-philly]

As for myself - had a breakdown yesterday after I found some pics Google saved of me and the ex-gf and as it was the 4 month mark post break-up. I was foolish and tolerated too much in the relationship and I'm strong enough now to realize that when I do get down, it's because I'm fixating on the happy memories and not thinking of all the bad ones she caused. But, I've got a lot of time off coming and I'm looking forward to what the new year has to bring in all facets of my life.

 

To everyone struggling right now - in a loveless marriage, freshly broken up, missing a relative, missing a friend, or just down - remember that life is a blessing and that to live joyously is the greatest act of self-determination and self-love you can ever do - so reach out to those you need to to find your peace and happiness and to help you fight your demons! And if that's too pithy for some - than I'll just say be a warrior for yourself and the little kid inside of you!

[The Outlaw]

5 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

@outlaw - Hope things cheer up for you. Losing someone you're close too is never easy. Have you either tried counseling or different things to try and break the heartache and move on? I doubt anyone's mother would want them crippled by their loss. You can honor her memory and her love by leading the best life you can!

No, I haven't. But the last person I opened up to was someone I never thought I'd hear from again. She was an old acquaintance from Middle school that messaged me out of the blue on FB when I had finally posted about it. I haven't since because it looks like she just used me for emotional support for the stuff that happened in her own life. Once she cut me off and gave me the silent treatment (and that didn't help matters any) I just bottled everything back up again. What I needed at the time was someone who got me and understood me. I needed that friend, but-

[The Outlaw]

9 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

As for myself - had a breakdown yesterday after I found some pics Google saved of me and the ex-gf and as it was the 4 month mark post break-up. I was foolish and tolerated too much in the relationship and I'm strong enough now to realize that when I do get down, it's because I'm fixating on the happy memories and not thinking of all the bad ones she caused. But, I've got a lot of time off coming and I'm looking forward to what the new year has to bring in all facets of my life.

 

To everyone struggling right now - in a loveless marriage, freshly broken up, missing a relative, missing a friend, or just down - remember that life is a blessing and that to live joyously is the greatest act of self-determination and self-love you can ever do - so reach out to those you need to to find your peace and happiness and to help you fight your demons! And if that's too pithy for some - than I'll just say be a warrior for yourself and the little kid inside of you!

You're more optimistic than I am. I do that for others, but I'm just bleak with my own situation. 

[scooby-philly]

@The Outlaw - It's easy enough for even me to get depressed and down. But you got to find the silver lining in life and just get out there and live! Easier said than done in many cases, but if you try enough eventually the sadness will pass.