smellysocksuni Posted November 15, 2019 Posted November 15, 2019 Dropping in to say that I hope everyone is coping and looking after themselves as best they can, especially Beach, Scooby and Meadow.
smellysocksuni Posted November 15, 2019 Posted November 15, 2019 Really trying to stay on top of my depression and anxiety, over the past few weeks. Ex is now becoming quite loud and chatty - seems very happy in class, as opposed to the withdrawn nature she was displaying earlier in term. This is making it slightly harder for me to cope, if I'm honest. There is a guy she sits with, who doesn't stop talking to her, even during lectures. I know why this is - it feels good when she laughs at your jokes, I get it. But it's annoying and distracting. I have had to stop talking to those people, because when she isn't in they keep talking about her and I just don't want to hear her name all the time. So I am now sitting alone at the front of class, which is better for me. I don't have to see her at all and can try my best to focus on the lesson. Still though, I am finding this difficult. She appears not to notice me or care, anymore. Has found herself a new group of people to hang out with, even though she previously told me she didn't even like those people. I still have no idea why she just acts like I don't exist, but OK. I hope one day I recover from this. 1
wtm78 Posted November 15, 2019 Posted November 15, 2019 How are you coping today? No good... I have wish I was never born.. my whole internal construct been shattered... My heart is beating hard... My tear ducts are flattering.. but I can't cry... Maybe if I do... I might have felt better...
MeadowFlower Posted November 15, 2019 Posted November 15, 2019 Dropping in to say that I hope everyone is coping and looking after themselves as best they can, especially Beach, Scooby and Meadow. Nawww, thanks @smellysocksuni
scooby-philly Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 (edited) Ex is now becoming quite loud and chatty - seems very happy in class, as opposed to the withdrawn nature she was displaying earlier in term. There is a guy she sits with, who doesn't stop talking to her, even during lectures. I know why this is - it feels good when she laughs at your jokes, I get it.Has found herself a new group of people to hang out with, even though she previously told me she didn't even like those people. I still have no idea why she just acts like I don't exist, but OK. Dude... I forget the exact details of your former relationship but assuming you are both 19 to 21. That is what women do at that age. They ate trying to figure themselves out and what and who they want to be..although of course in reality a lot of personality is set by 21. Lol. Just ignore her. If shes purposely doing to to you then why wouwoulwouwould you want to be with someone like that. If shes simply spreading her wings and trying different things dont take it personally. Be your best self and live your best life. Edited November 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote tags added 1
smellysocksuni Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 @Scooby She's 26, I'm 29. Yeah, I get it. Either she's just having fun or she's doing it to wind me up. I find that the more I think about how she treated me, the less I want to be with her, anyway. This is why I'd prefer not to see her - I don't wanna see all of this. Just wanna live my life and not be bothered by these petty things. She's entitled to talk to whoever she wants, I get it. Just don't wanna see it, lol. 1
Beachead Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 (edited) Dropping in to say that I hope everyone is coping and looking after themselves as best they can, especially Beach, Scooby and Meadow. I'm hanging in there friend. You have it rough for the moment but just know you feel like that only because you're physically around her. When you're done your degree, you won't have to see her or her antics ever again and you can put it behind you easily. For the time being, I want to share with you an interesting way to look at your situation.. What if the shi**y time in class is actually an opportunity to practice one of the most invaluable life-skills you could ever possess; staying focused, even when you're in pain.? I call it invaluable because I can't count the number of times life has hit me with circumstances where I've had to keep going even when I wanted to cry, lay down and quit. If you get good at persevering in such situations, you can get through pretty much anything. ..fortunately (Or Unfortunately depending on how you look at it), here you are gifted (or cursed depending on how you look at it) days upon days where you'll be stuck with this girl, feeling miserable but having to stay focused. Musicians don't become good at their instrument unless they play it. Boxers don't become great fighters if they don't fight. Sailors don't become great sailors without boating in a few storms. They all have to dive into their craft and practice the hell out of it..and fail and take bumps and bruises along the way. That journey is what turns them into the kind of people that other people see and think "Damn..they're good." In the same way, we can't become mentally/emotionally stronger without heartbreak to push us. Perspective yea? - Beach Edited November 17, 2019 by Beachead 2
HopefullyLove Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 I feel ok I guess. Just kinda anxious.
JuneGirl Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 (edited) 27 days NC I still haven't reached indifference, but feelings have turned to disgust and repulsion. More regret that I hadn't done the deed sooner when the red flags showed up. I hope this is all a precursor to indifference. Also I'm looking forward to the future honestly. I'm reading things about how to be much less naive, and much more aware. I'm doing various types of reading and I've found conflicting advice, and I'm trying to follow the ones that seem wiser and mature. Working on forgiveness, but still needs some time. Taking out time to have fun and be myself, really important to keep myself busy, and self care etc Edited November 21, 2019 by JuneGirl
KissingFire Posted November 22, 2019 Posted November 22, 2019 (edited) It's been over a year now since my abusive ex split with me, and it's been the best year of my life. I just wanted to log on and let people know that it does get better. I went through therapy to help me deal with the side-effects of the abuse, helped out at a domestic abuse women's shelter as a volunteer, have travelled eight countries with my incredible boyfriend with more adventures next year alongside potentially buying a place together and am mentally very well. My BF is the best person I've ever met, truly. And I'd never have met him if I didn't put myself out there after my breakup. I was told a couple of weeks ago that my ex went into the store we used to work at together and starting yelling at the staff. I just laughed and felt sorry for those he shouted at. It's not hate - it's just indifference. He's someone else's problem now. *shrugs* Stay strong everyone. Edited November 22, 2019 by KissingFire
JuneGirl Posted November 24, 2019 Posted November 24, 2019 29 days NC. I feel good today. I remember not too long ago I was unhappy and mentally preparing myself to end it. Best decision ever.
MeadowFlower Posted November 24, 2019 Posted November 24, 2019 Don't lose yourself. Don't lose your mojo. And live in the moment more than living in your head. 1
scooby-philly Posted November 25, 2019 Posted November 25, 2019 @Meadowflower Great advice. For me, 3+ months in I still find myself getting depressed and down once in a blue moon. Had a bad "hour" on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. And yet, if I focus on what was wrong, if I focus on how I was disrespected, if I focus on how I was used and taken for granted, then I don't spiral. If I focus on living in the here and now then I'm good. I can't "make" something happen that wasn't ever going to nor was not meant to be in the long run. So....I hope every here struggling takes a moment and pauses and focuses on the here and now and I hope everyone enjoys something for themselves this holiday - a nap, a bath, a walk, skiing, shopping, - whatever you need to do to rediscover "you" and the worthiness and awesomeness that you bring to the world and to the people in your life.
smellysocksuni Posted November 28, 2019 Posted November 28, 2019 She's met someone else, and... hm. I did see a photograph of the two of them on IG, with an accompanying caption that confirmed it. I saw this a couple of weeks ago. That's fine, it's been a while since her and I were involved, people move on. I think this has only made me feel more embarrassed and probably even more insignificant. If she is able to be with someone else, then I am history, irrelevant. I haven't actually been into class since I found this out - something about being around a person who not only rejected you, but has now found someone else. Makes me feel very self-conscious and embarrassed. No point even trying to approach her, now. No point reaching out. What someone on here said once, and what I have thought to be the case at times is that she didn't even really like me, just 'used' me for something to do, attention, whatever. I think that's probably it, too. Having typical worries of how she'll go on to treat this person better. I am trying to focus on myself and my future still, but this thing is still getting to me. Don't really know what to say about all of this anymore. Think it makes it a little bit harder, seeing her. Not only will I have to deal with the silence, but also now knowing she's with someone else. Great. She has moved on to the extent that she is with someone else. I guess there is the answer to whether she thinks about me or not - no, she doesn't.
scooby-philly Posted November 28, 2019 Posted November 28, 2019 @smelly Sorry to hear about this and your lingering pain dude. You need to cut her off of IG and other social media forms. And if you see it because one of your friends is friends with her, then maybe skip using those platforms for a while. As you and I have discussed, people do move on - friendships, co-workers, lovers, and it sucks. It blows. But if you did your reasonable best then don't let it linger and eat you up. That's been a problem for me the past 3+ months since my breakup. My heart is pretty much healed but it's my mind that won't let it go. And I shouldn't feel bad or dwell on the what ifs - I wasn't even dumped for someone else and she's got no friends, no social life, etc. So guess what, it's her lose not mine - but my mind at times - cannot accept that. I can only imagine the pain of having to see her every day - but as we suggested - try focusing on what was wrong, what she did, and her faults if you find yourself dwelling on things/her. And for god's sake man - take a walk, a hot or cold shower, talk with friends, pick up a new hobby, etc. Your self-consciousness is just that - in your head. No one is probably judging you and if you did your best and people know it, then I bet if you asked when you needed assurance - people would tell you they are rooting for you. And yes - keep in mind her age, her maturity level, her dating experience (or lack there of) and remember you may have been a plug for her low self-esteem, the emptiness she feels inside, etc. That doesn't make you a fool or make you bad or make you stupid - it's called the risk of loving someone. But lesson learned - find someone who loves themselves first next time. Whatever her reasons for entering and for leaving the relationship are hers - who knows - her friends (or mutual friends if you got 'em) may think she's foolish for what she did. Just do you and keep talking it out! Her future, her life, etc. are no longer your worry, concern, or focus. Do you dude! Do you!
Beachead Posted November 29, 2019 Posted November 29, 2019 She's met someone else, and... hm. I did see a photograph of the two of them on IG, with an accompanying caption that confirmed it. I saw this a couple of weeks ago. That's fine, it's been a while since her and I were involved, people move on. I think this has only made me feel more embarrassed and probably even more insignificant. If she is able to be with someone else, then I am history, irrelevant. I haven't actually been into class since I found this out - something about being around a person who not only rejected you, but has now found someone else. Makes me feel very self-conscious and embarrassed. No point even trying to approach her, now. No point reaching out. What someone on here said once, and what I have thought to be the case at times is that she didn't even really like me, just 'used' me for something to do, attention, whatever. I think that's probably it, too. Having typical worries of how she'll go on to treat this person better. I am trying to focus on myself and my future still, but this thing is still getting to me. Don't really know what to say about all of this anymore. Think it makes it a little bit harder, seeing her. Not only will I have to deal with the silence, but also now knowing she's with someone else. Great. She has moved on to the extent that she is with someone else. I guess there is the answer to whether she thinks about me or not - no, she doesn't. Been there friend. It's tough to deal with but for the long-run, you needed to experience this. Just remember, this isn't really some unexpected, blind-siding thing. Her meeting someone new was always going to happen from the moment she walked away. When you've given your best and your best wasn't good enough for her, then you've done everything you could do. You find solace in that and know her opinion or idea of you isn't representative of the rest of the world. She is just one person. Secondly, a relationship is not one-sided. It's mutual. It shouldn't be just on you to have made this work. It was on her as well. You did her right. She did you wrong. She failed you. Regarding practical advice to you..unless you need her contacts for school-purposes, it is crucial for your well-being to remove her from all social media platforms. Keeping people who broke your heart, is purposeless to you. It's just this part of you that wants to hold onto the last connection to that person, even if its an illusionary connection of something long gone and not real. We want hold onto that because letting it go, may mean accepting defeat; that we let someone get the better of us and in that process, take our time, energy and resources with it. Made us feel foolish, embarrassed, humiliated. Like Scooby said, love is risk. It will always be risk. Only the brave go for it and endure it. You were brave. And secondly, we don't level up without soul-crushing adversity. Just remember, no experience is in vain. You certainly do take a hellacious spiritual beating from it but you gain in the process, if you can open your mind to it; you learn things about yourself, about people, about life. You learn how to deal better. I watched my exes move onto others. I watched my last ex dive back into a relationship with her ex after telling me she loved me not 2 weeks before that. Then I had to hear about her getting engaged and then married. I had to hear about her moving away. I watched a lot of people move on, friends included. I've been promised things and told how much I mattered and all that. It's brutal..it is. But I'm still here thinking and working towards my future. Being there for people I love. Being there for myself. I'm still going. You're going to be alright. Remind yourself of that. She met someone else? Good riddens.
MeadowFlower Posted November 29, 2019 Posted November 29, 2019 (edited) I missed him again. :-( Feeling disappointed Edited November 29, 2019 by MeadowFlower
wtm78 Posted November 29, 2019 Posted November 29, 2019 Not good... Could not sleep for a week. Haven't slept. Having migraine
MeadowFlower Posted November 30, 2019 Posted November 30, 2019 Read something on FB that said, "Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings, and emotion." 1
scooby-philly Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 @MeadowFlower - I love that quote. I think for those of us, guys in particular, who are givers by nature (or "caretakers"), and/or who grew up with low self-esteem or seeking love/affection from parents who couldn't provide it - we often settle for people simply because they say yes. It's been a depressing few days for me and it's been a rollercoaster for the past 3.5 months since I got dumped. In reality I should be happy to be free of someone who "did so little for me" as your quote said, and for someone who was all talk and no action but it still hurts. And more than anything else, it hurts because I feel like I don't know what to do next. I know I can be happy and just live my life. But I also know that I need to continue my recovery and part of that is going through the pain - the loneliness, the shame, the anger, the hurt. I will emerge from it on the "other side" - but more than anything I need to learn to just live my life, to not settle, and to not "chase" people. Either they want me or they don't.
The Outlaw Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 It's the holiday season so it's one day at a time. I've been better but I'm not doing terrible either. 2
Angelflower Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 Yesterday was 1 year NC... I still fell and miss him like crazy. I know walking away was the right thing to do. It's been a hard year but I am making progress. I hope he is happy and life is going well for him. Sending love out... because that's what my heart wants to do... he will always be someone special to me. xox
smellysocksuni Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 Strange day at uni, albeit a positive one. Have a module on attachment/mental health, and it was so emotional hearing about avoidants (my ex) and having to write an essay about avoidants, too. It's not me. It never was. It was her. Reading and understanding it so deeply has helped me so much. I feel so grateful that at least I was on this degree while this happened to me. My lecturer even cried today when I told her I'd been on a personal journey and that this module had helped me immensely - another person cried too. I didn't expect that, lol. My ex had left the lesson by then. What a shame. She should have stuck around and heard all about avoidant attachment. Might have learnt a thing or two. Or probably not, lol
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