MeadowFlower Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 I have had interest in someone who isn't interested in that way, in me. I feel like if I were to get in a relationship with this other guy, I have to leave him. I have to breakup internally, with someone I never dated. It sounds like foolishness. It is ridiculous. 2
smellysocksuni Posted October 26, 2019 Posted October 26, 2019 Just a quick post to share thanks to those who've offered me guidance over the past few days. I'm reading and re-reading everything, thank you all. Taking a couple of days to process, stay strong everyone.
smellysocksuni Posted October 27, 2019 Posted October 27, 2019 Another difficult couple of days. Fell asleep crying, sounds pathetic, probably is. I'd logged onto Google Photos and although I don't have pictures of her, I have lots of photos of me around the time we were involved, and wow - that set me off. Then I started getting anxious imagining her maintaining this silence all the way through third year, and us graduating without having said a word to each other - that set me off even further. I hate this, so much. I can't even organise my brain to find someone else, which I'd probably just usually do. What a nightmare 1
scooby-philly Posted October 27, 2019 Posted October 27, 2019 @smellysocksuni I feel your pain. It would have been our two year anniversary tomorrow. My heart is slowly recovering - it's my head that's the problem. There is a lot I should be doing - working out, work, etc. to keep my mind off of her, but the heartache the first 6-7 weeks was large and I also have been trying to not bury the feelings/emotions and also doing some tlc for myself. But that gives my already over active mind too much free time to spiral. It's been tough for me but I realize now that I ignored a lot of things - her immaturity, her selfishness, her lack of affection as time went by. I deserve to be with someone who truly loves me, someone who has a good relationship with their family, and someone who really knows who they are and what they want. Her dating profile says she isn't one of those "fake girls" - but in reality, she is fake - because she isn't comfortable with herself and she hides things. So dude - focus on what was bad and what you want. That may help you with not spiraling. 1
Beachead Posted October 27, 2019 Posted October 27, 2019 (edited) @smellysocksuni @scooby-philly Try this: 1. Write down a few things you disliked about your ex and/or the relationship itself. 2. Write down a few reasons as to why your relationship was never going to work out for the long-run. You can do it in your own journal or drop it in here on the thread or PM me and we'll go through it. If you point form it, you can even post it up somewhere in your field of vision during your day. This is an example of what I did back then but still do if I need it. I'll write it down here. 1. She judged me for not being "ready" for a relationship when she herself didn't know what she was feeling. She was a hypocrite. 2. She compared me to her ex. She'd leave our relationship. She'd stonewall me or make me feel bad for losing my cool about it, when I finally did. Her antics gave me anxiety which made things worse. 3. As time went on, I had to work harder and harder to keep her happy because she was in this for the wrong reasons. I eventually burned out trying to meet these impossible expectations. I lost my confidence and my sense of self. 4. I didn't trust her anymore. The relationship wasn't going to work out because she wasn't over her ex and the way she eventually treated me was a function of that whole situation. A couple of months with her was never going to be enough to compete with the 4 years of history they shared. Could I have been better? Yes but in hindsight, it's easy to say such things. The truth is, the relationship was going to fail no matter how good I could have been. I hold myself accountable as I knew what I was getting myself into but I don't regret what I did. At the time, it was what I wanted to do. She was worth the risk just to see if something could happen from it. There are no "What if's" on my mind regarding that situation because I have the answer, and I'm grateful for that. Don't expect it to miraculously cure you but it will provide some guidance and point you in the right direction for when you hit those hard times and it feels like nothing makes sense. - Beach Edited October 27, 2019 by Beachead 1
scooby-philly Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 @Beachead I completely agree. I've done that list - just need to get better at looking at it or even just rewriting it to help reinforce your main points as they apply to me - I failed to recognize how the relationship was heading south, I failed to respect myself with not getting my needs met, not being valued for the sacrifices I was making, and for letting her disrespect me on several occasions. But I have learned how to completely love someone, how to be truly vulnerable to someone, and it's given me a launching pad further than any to say I know what I want, what I will not settle for, and to give myself some tlc time and I have no regrets. Like you said, could I have been "better"? Sure. One can always be better. But if what I gave her and how I gave it wasn't good enough, she'll never find anyone better at those things. So it's her loss and my gain (through subtraction) lol.
Legatus Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 I keep having ups and downs after having been ghosted. Even though it happened once 5 years ago, this time it's different. Don't know why I took it so personally to the point of anxiety that I haven't experienced in a long time. I have been able to conquer and deal with my feelings pretty well. Today I am at a crossroads. Either send her a short but positive message, just to see if she responds, or remove her contacts totally and stop looking at her Instagram.. Haven't decided yet..
scooby-philly Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 @legatus DO NOT CONTACT HER. I don't know the circumstances of the breakup or your relationship. But what good will contacting do you? If she was still interested she would be in touch. And if she was emotionally healthy, mature, and honest she wouldn't have ghosted you. I know it's tough. But do anything - scream, cry, take a walk, go to the gym, watch a sad movie, watch a funny movie, etc. Don't break NC.
scooby-philly Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 Today would have been our two year anniversary. Thursday marks 10 weeks since we split. Haven't talked to you in 8 weeks and while my heart still aches a little bit and my mind sometimes spirals our of control, I don't really miss you. In fact, when my mind spirals it just focuses on one image of a picture of you in my head. That's it. Sure, I miss having someone to talk to every day. I miss how cute and sassy you could be. But in the end, you couldn't even tell me face to face and you couldn't even tell the truth. More than anything I blame myself. I don't blame myself for being who I am - loving, caring, supportive, a "giver' by nature. And I don't blame myself for trying and for putting in so much effort. You can't really love someone if you don't do that and if you don't open up your heart and your life to someone. And I did those things as well. I blame myself for not standing up, speaking my needs, forcing a line in the sand, and for putting up with the times you hurt me, the times when I did nothing wrong and you acted like a twelve year old. I've said before on here - you will look for me in every man you meet for a long time. You will either spend the next two, four, eight years jumping from one relationship to the next or maybe you will just slut around. You're young, and that's okay. But you can't even be real to yourself. You live in shame and you hide. I was the one chance you had to address that, to fix yourself, to have a healthy, mature relationship and you shunned me. That's okay. I will not blame myself for anything other than staying and de-prioritizing my happiness and needs. The rest is on you. I missed the signs of you withdrawing. I missed the signs of you not telling me what you needed or wanted. And I let certain things go, myself chief among them, because I thought things would change in the future. But as I have learned the past 10 weeks - you have to be happy "NOW" because there is no future guaranteed and the person you see in front of you is the person you need to love. I loved you truly, madly, and deeply, but in the end I deserve better. The times you threatened to run away. The times I was there for you through adversity, sadness, loneliness, family drama, etc - and you still treated me like you do your parents. Good luck to you. I'm not perfect. I'm not rich and I'm not as successful as I would like to be yet. But I keep getting better with age and eventually I'll make it to the next level and eventually I will find someone who loves me, who appreciates what I bring to a relationship, and who is ready for something real. I think I will write your name on a rock and bury it this week. I've deleted or thrown out everything else. Now I just need to bury the memories that trigger my shame and to remind myself I am a good man and deserve better than you. When we would fight you would say it - I just wasn't listening. But now I know it's true - I do deserve better than you and I deserved someone willing to grow with me, to build with me, to fight for me. I would normally say "happy anniversary" at this point, but truth be told you checked out emotionally a long time before the split and you never really were yourself so I can't say I was in a relationship with you because "you" is fake, shallow, and shame based. Best wishes on your studies, your career, and your life. I hope one day you break free. For you. 1
Legatus Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 @legatus DO NOT CONTACT HER. I don't know the circumstances of the breakup or your relationship. But what good will contacting do you? If she was still interested she would be in touch. And if she was emotionally healthy, mature, and honest she wouldn't have ghosted you. I know it's tough. But do anything - scream, cry, take a walk, go to the gym, watch a sad movie, watch a funny movie, etc. Don't break NC. I didn't. It's not a very long story to be honest but one that for some stupid reason got me really deeply anxious... https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/691826-anxiety-not-knowing But you're right.. I got hell of a lesson from this experience. I learned who I don't want to be and anybody who can do just that, regardless of the time spent with the person - is definitely not somebody for me
Rayce Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 @smellysocksuni @scooby-philly Try this: 1. Write down a few things you disliked about your ex and/or the relationship itself. 2. Write down a few reasons as to why your relationship was never going to work out for the long-run. - Beach I love Beach's comments... This is a good mental exercise to do as well when your in a pinch... I found myself doing it just yesterday in my mind! 3
Legatus Posted October 30, 2019 Posted October 30, 2019 I know we didn't know each other for too long but I think I did like you as much as a person can after having spent that amount of time with somebody. It's probably the reason why last week was one of the worst in a long time. I hated myself for allowing it to get to me but it did. Whether I expected something I shouldn't or simply wanted to be treated right, I don't think I asked for much. I read all our messages yesterday and realised that even if I came off too strong it was only because of you. Nowadays I mirror people's energy and I mirrored yours. Telling me how great, adorable, and hard not to like I was. How you travelled all over the world just to be crushing on a pool shark from B.... I only reciprocated that interest. Somehow realising it wasn't just me, made me feel better. Suddenly you made a decision you thought I wasn't worth being informed about. Eventually I'll get over it but I will never forget. I won't forget the anxiety but also I won't forget the hours I spent watching you smile on a dancefloor and talking to you. Two things I take away from this.. One is that I will definitely never do this to anybody. Second I will always appreciate people's honesty, especially if it comes in place of what you did. Still.. sometimes the urge to message you, when you're online, is almost unbearable. Even though I now there's no point 1
Beachead Posted October 30, 2019 Posted October 30, 2019 I love Beach's comments... This is a good mental exercise to do as well when your in a pinch... I found myself doing it just yesterday in my mind! Empathy goes a long way. Many of us feel the same way but we're just afraid to express it because of the harsh criticisms that are out there in the world. I want people to know that they are understood.
Beachead Posted October 30, 2019 Posted October 30, 2019 (edited) It's interesting how many of us can naturally be negative about so many things in our lives but when when it comes to breakups or unhealthy people..we have trouble looking back at that person and the whole thing as anything but favourable. Suddenly, we can only recall the best things about them. We glamourize them in retrospect. Why not just apply negative thinking to that situation. Balance it out. Maybe after that, you may just ask yourself why am I missing this person or this relationship? Why am I still thinking about it and letting it get to me? Edited October 30, 2019 by Beachead 1
scooby-philly Posted October 30, 2019 Posted October 30, 2019 @beachead I can't speak for some of the other folks who've been posting on here of late. For myself, it's not even that I can't think of her negatively or of the relationship negatively. I think for me it's more about being conditioned by life for the first 20-25 years to think of things as my fault. So not saying I'm perfect, but it's hard sometimes to remember that despite my flaws I gave her my best, I tried my best in the relationship, and I didn't quit. Sure, I think it's partially thinking of her/us only positively but it's more my conscience's training to blame me and maybe also a bit of me still not being able to say (through my whole being) I deserve to be happy, I deserve someone who fits my needs, and I deserve someone who matches my effort and who is mature and emotionally healthy. I think if I look at my 3 ltrs since I starting really dating at 28 I would that I ended up choosing somewhat cold, emotionally unavailable women who came from greater or lesser degree families that were cold, un affectionate, and not caring. But...I can totally see your point - not that any of us are perfect, but I think particularly since our culture tends to espouse the man as the problem in a break up - from movies, to TV, to simple memes on the internet or facebook, there's not as many resources for good men to discuss and learn that we aren't necessarily the problem - unless we get stuck in the same pattern and never learn to respect ourselves, love ourselves, and find someone good like us.
scooby-philly Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 Tired and still a bit depressed today. But starting to realize that I can't blame myself for falling in love with her. I just need to work on making sure that at 3 months, 4 months in I take a step back and analyze - am I happy? am I getting my needs met? Are there major red flags or signs that there will be major red flags. Saw a few great notes online yesterday - 1. "Men also deserve to be spoiled, told they hare handsome, told their efforts are appreciate and should also be made to feel secure. If he treats you like a queen, treat him like a king". So true. I'm not some prototypical frat boy. I need love and affection as well as giving it. 2. "You have to forgive people in order to move on, no matter what they said or did to you". That's also true! I need to forgive her. She's not ready for a real relationship, she's not ready to build a life with someone, she's not ready to confront her family or address her problems. It's not necessarily her fault but I can't blame myself. I tried, I waited, and I gave my best. If she can't grow with me, then she's not meant to be with me.
Beachead Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 (edited) @scooby-philly I apologize for the big post coming your way. I feel you on many levels and as another male, living in this kind of society. Mental health still largely goes unnoticed, unacknowledged and frowned upon, despite evidence that many of us battle anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts. Many of us don't have a father-figure, role-model and/or some form of leadership or guidance in our life. Without it, we seek it from external sources..many of which may be terrible for us. Without direction or guidance, how would those we even know? They'd have to learn through life experience which takes time. So we become lost. And while that goes on, as men, we are expected to look a certain way. Perform to a certain standard. Have it all together in life, in attitude etc. Remain calm, cool, collected..even if we are falling apart. Frailty, feelings, vulnerability are judged as weak, despite how normal it is to feel such things. These are ideas and expectations that are perpetuated unknowingly and knowingly by family, friends, strangers, romantic relationships, work, pop-culture, media etc. Thousands of subliminal messages being driven into our head day-in, day-out that are telling us how to look, think, feel, behave, love and live in which if we can't conform to, eventually make us feel something is wrong with us. Women feel these same illogical, unreasonable expectations as well..but ones that are unique to them. It's society..and more specifically, it's us that's the problem. We all judge eachother and in doing so, we judge ourselves. We know it's wrong but we do it anyway, even though it in judging others, we place stringent expectations on ourself that we ourselves will fail to meet. No matter where we are from, what our skin colour is, our age or our gender; what we do for a living, how much money we make, how popular we are, what our religion is if we practice one..we are, at our very core, fundamentally human. We feel. We fail. We seek identity, belonging. We want to matter. We wither when we feel we don't. It's just too bad, so many of us forget or it eludes us and we judge eachother so harshly..including ourself. We can have an immensely powerful impact on the people we are around, including ourself, in our day to day...by our words, choices and actions. And that can swing in a negative or a positive direction. Point is, don't be so hard on yourself. You are allowed to be you, in your entirety. All your failures, mistakes, shortcomings as well as your strengths..that's what makes you you. And if you feel you want to strive to be better than yesterday, then just make sure its your idea and not someone elses. Make sure it's something you're doing because you want in your heart, it makes sense. And just remember, as long as you are doing the best you can do everyday, then that's all you can ask of yourself. 9 weeks in..you're still fresh. I know a lot of people want to put a rush-order on healing but that's just not how it works. Extend that deadline to 2 years and know in just 1 year of it, you'll feel a noticeable difference in your emotional-balance and clarity. It takes the pressure of to feel results so soon. A good wine takes time and no different is your healing. Just keep doing what you're doing. - Beach Edited October 31, 2019 by Beachead
scooby-philly Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 @Beachead Never apologize for an educated, thoughtful, and/or long response! I agree - mental health in general, and men's mental health in particular are ignored, judged, even scorned. And yes, addressing systemic personal problems causes shame in people. I grew up with parents who loved me, but they had so many problems they didn't have the emotional energy, the time, or the attitude to really be there for me emotionally. I had to make life decisions and process my feelings alone. And most of the time, I was ignoring my feelings and not sharing out of shame. So I didn't grow up knowing how to process my feelings, I didn't know I could have wants/needs, and I didn't know I could pursue what I wanted and that I would find friends, love, happiness, etc. while just being myself and doing what I love/wanted. Therefore I've stayed in friendships and relationships that weren't really meant for me in the end. It's one of life's big lessons for me. With this past relationship I got love bombed the first 2-3 months so I didn't realize or see when the affection dropped slowly and I didn't stand up for myself when she threatened to leave/abandon me. And I didn't express my needs and I didn't realize she was not capable of meeting them for a variety of reasons. And yes, it's complex as I can be so mature, experienced, and insightful in certain regards and for certain things, but then my unmet needs get in my way. But it's my journey and my life. And yeah - I have no shame in getting angry appropriately and getting mad or upset as I wouldn't expect my partner to always be pleased with me. And I have no shame in being a soft, warm, emotional man. And with the recent ex, she's not comfortable with herself, her sexuality, her personality, and she's trapped by her family which only compounds her inability to really express herself and what she wants. And yes - identity and belonging are HUGE. It comes before self-esteem and self-actualization in Maslow's hierarchy for cripes sake! And yeah - as we'e discussed on the threads here and in our DMs - I have been trying hard to not beat myself up and to also practice self-love, positive self talk, and focus on the fact that the relationship wasn't meant to be, and that I'm not a bad person, I just need to be open and honest about my wants and needs and ensure I'm with someone who's mature and honest and emotionally healthy. I never pretend to be perfect and I know what my strengths and my shortcomings are and accept myself, warts and all, for who I am. And yes, 10 weeks today. Still fresh, lol. I am not rushing anything. I am letting the emotions comes. I'm letting them in, addressing them, and as I said, being patient with myself and being loving towards myself. On one level, it's a shame things didn't work out, because if she could be herself and express her wants and her needs, and was free to live her own life I think we would be compatible. But, she's not anywhere close to that yet. And while I'm not perfect, I'm far more mature and older so I don't need to settle for someone who MIGHT be right for me in 2-5 years who MIGHT become the person they're capable of being. You have to be happy and healthy with the person who is NOW.
JuneGirl Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 I'm doing really good today, its 2 months since I dumped his butt and haven't looked back. Sometimes my phones been blowing up with apologies, begging and pleading, and the pointless "hope youre doing okay" statements. I have been ignoring away, playing dead, etc and feeling so good. I'm working out, looking hotter than ever, eating well, and following my education goals. I have been dealing with the feels with a really strong support group of friends and family and that has helped tremendously. 1
MeadowFlower Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 (edited) How non-easy is it, to find your forever person.. (where it's mutual, obviously) Edited November 4, 2019 by MeadowFlower
scooby-philly Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 I had a terrible episode at work yesterday. Found and tried to delete (eventually did) what few pictures and things remained on my portable drive. Cried like a baby at my desk in work. Glad no one saw me. But...today...I found another picture of us. I don't know. I know it's nothing more than our age gap. I know who I am, what I want, and what I need. You haven't left home yet and you haven't come to terms with who you are, what you need, nor event being in touch with those things. I tried to love you. I tried to love you. I tried to give you a chance to see what a loving, caring, and mature relationship was like. I tried to be patient and understand that you wouldn't be perfect but I loved you flaws and all and that I would have waited till you could tell your parents about us and just live your life. But you chose to run. You tore my heart out and stomped on it one last time. But....I am getting better. I am moving on slowly. I am forgiving myself for being foolish enough to stay for so long and going back to taking care of me and my needs.
MeadowFlower Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 What's the point of liking someone if they aren't going to like you.
doh Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 (edited) I caught myself being hypervigilant this morning. Woke up to the sound of my son opening his bedroom door across the other side of the house at 4:30am, I didn't actually hear anything, but about 30 seconds after waking up he arrives in my room asking if he can eat something. I have this 10 minute guided meditation that I use to calm myself, I couldn't get back to sleep so I put it on. There's one part where the guide asks you to count your breaths and then goes silent. I couldn't focus on my breath, my thoughts were running wild (happens quite regularly, it doesn't feel hypervigilant), it felt like I was in the first silent part for about half an hour before I picked up my phone to see if the app had crashed. It hadn't, it had only been a minute l, maybe a little more. The same thing happened with the second silent part, with the exact same results - I couldn't let go of my thoughts, couldn't focus on my breath, and again picked up my phone to check if the app had crashed. Then it hit me, I'm hypervigilant. My therapist diagnosed me with a significant trauma last year, I've been doing well up until lately when a perfect storm of thi gs going wrong hit all across my life. . At least I caught it I suppose, but I'd rather have sleep. I'm very conscious that with everything g going on right now, lack of sleep could be the tipping point for a complete breakdown. I've experienced that once in my life, I really don't want to go through that again. And now is the time of year it happened originally, so my body is extra "triggery" at the moment. Being aware of it helps, but it's still tough. Work was my stable place, but now there's a power struggle going on and it's getting tense in there too. I've tried avoiding office politics, just letting my work shine, but that resulted in my default position looking a certain way, which is the wrong way, so now I'm doing damage control there too. Things are tough right now. If this work thing dies down then I'll get on top of things much more quickly, but who knows how long that will be. Edited November 8, 2019 by doh
JuneGirl Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 17 days of NC today NC got harder as the weeks went by. I haven't experience dumpers regret though. The only thing I'm actually regretting is the entirety of the relationship since day 1, all the red flags from the past are getting brighter and clearer than ever. I get random moments during NC while I'm doing random things where a light bulb goes off and I'm like "OH THAT MAKES SENSE NOW HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND" and making tons of highlighted notes in my brain for future reference. Also I have a series of dates planned at the end of the month.
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