How are you coping today?

[Beachead]

@smellysocksuni

 

I just hate being around her, I hate that she is painting me as the villain, I hate it all. It's over but I still have to see her, and tbh it's making me feel really strange. I never saw any other ex after we broke up. All I wanted was her to show signs of remorse or that she even wanted to be friends. Nothing.

 

There are people out there who can do you wrong and lack the character to own up to it. Could be mental health issues that contribute. Could be their upbringing and environment that's shaped them into such a person. Some people can become narcissists over time for example. They end up developing bad coping mechanisms and those bad coping mechanisms in turn, exacerbate their perception of things and the way they choose to deal with it. TSo instead of apologizing, they might just twist things around to fit their narrative. That has more to do with them and their life than you. Friendship..that's the part of you that wants all your effort and energy to mean something because going separate ways after sharing something makes it feel like it was all in vain. But in reality, you don't want a friendship with this person, and I bet you most certainly don't want to stick around, waiting for them to hook up with someone else, right before your eyes. It's absolutely painful thing to see happen.

 

I know there's now nothing left, and I feel quite scared because I was slightly hoping that she'd engage with me. I now know we will never speak to each other again, and that is a frightening thing. I had to take the day off today just to get my bearings again before I'm exposed to her - it's just like, "now what?" kind of thing. This situation is been so sad and confusing, now I just feel sad. And still confused. I hate that I ever met someone as unstable as her.

 

The "Now what" stage is exactly where you want to be at because you are forced to think about a future where you are not in a relationship with her, where you are not friends and you are not stuck in school having to see her everyday putting up with her bs...a future where she's just not around anymore. It's scary, because it's foreign to you. She's been a part of your life for a long time, even if you two haven't been talking. You two don't have to be talking for her to affect you...she just needs to be in your thoughts and she has been for a long time. But now you're starting to think about yourself. You're starting to think about what you don't want and what you do want. For example, you're tired of school. You don't like it. You want to graduate as soon as possible and move to the next stage of your life. You're starting to find valid reasons for why leaving her behind makes more sense than holding onto her and what she did. Not just that, now you got more experience about what you don't want from a partner. You are more aware of your boundaries and your weaknesses and you are making progressive steps towards improving on them. Next time someone comes your way, you will apply that experience.

 

Perhaps roughing it out for the remaining years of your studies and trying to keep your mind intact for the time being is the best course of action. I would advise you to think about what it is you may want to do after school if you haven't done so already. You don't have to have it all figured out, but a good idea and a plan will give you something to work towards and look forward to. Soon enough, you'll be done and you'll be moving on to the next stages of your life and you want to be ready for it.

 

School was monotonous and lonely for me as well while I was doing my undergrad. I didn't know why I was studying. It was just pointless, aimless misery. But once I started to think about my future and what I wanted, I was able to tie in what I was doing right now to that future. I could see how this step could lead to the next. Some reasons for why I stuck it through was:

 

1. I wanted to finish what I started.

2. I wanted to narrow my field down and make my skillset more specific.

3. I wanted to be in a field where I had the option work in any part of the world if I applied with minimal hassle. I wanted financial flexibility and options.

4. I wanted to be in a field that was steady and earn enough to be there for my family and do the things I wanted to do; things like travelling, investing in my music. Back then, I knew being in this position would bring me the confidence that was highly lacking in my life. I also knew it would translate to a far more secure and positive attitude with new people I meet..including those I may date.

5. I also hoped to run my own business in the future.

 

Given all that, I decided on accounting/finance at the time and those 5 reasons motivated me to stay in the library and study my butt off night and day. Because of that, the loneliness and the sacrifice I had to make to graduate was tolerable because it now made sense to put up with it.

 

Although I didn't know at the time if I would like accounting/finance, it was what made sense at that time. And that's life. Not many of us know for sure..we take all the available knowledge we have in that moment, and make the best decisions we can in that moment. So I was okay with owning the responsibility. And honestly, that internal and external journey that I made in itself healed me more than trying to think my way out of my pain.

 

So set goals. Really dive into yourself and figure out what you want..and what you DON'T want out of life. Write it down and read it everyday to remind yourself of it. Live it, breathe it, work at it. It always comes back to that.

 

Reason I say that is the brain is something that is always in process of constructing habits. If we do something frequently, it'll program us to do those things in a way where we don't have to think so much about doing them. We just do them out of habit. That can apply to both bad habits and good habits. If you wake up every morning and make your bed..you'll get used to it. If you don't, you'll get used to that. If you keep things clean, regularly, you get used to that. If you don't, you won't. If you look people in the eyes and smile when you talk to them, you'll get used to that. If you don't..you won't. If things have upset you in life and you become angry on a daily based..you'll get used to that too. So on so forth.

 

So if this is how the brain works, I'd say it's better to try and develop habits that serve you well. Habits that give back to you.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited October 10, 2019 by Beachead

[Beachead]

Hey Scooby-philly,

 

Tell me a bit about your situation if you're alright with it. Did you start off in LDR? How old was this girl? How long did you date? Did she end it or you? How was it months or weeks towards the end? How was it after the breakup? Did you keep in touch with her? How was it in the beginning?

 

I can give you some advice once I get the jist of your situation.

 

- Beach

Edited October 10, 2019 by Beachead

[scooby-philly]

@beachead

 

Sent you a dm with my/our story.

[Cora]

It sucked seeing him sitting there with this huge smile on his face (he rarely smiles), his arm around her....a huge smile on her face as well looking so in love. Her daughter curled up in his lap. They are like this one little happy family now. It’s been five years....still feels like a punch in the gut sometimes.....sigh.

[Beachead]

@Cora

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that Cora. Anyway you can get away from that area so you don't have be around anything that reminds you of him anymore?

[smellysocksuni]

@Beach

 

Thank you again for this, the level of detail and attention in this message is really appreciated.

 

I can’t work out why she would have blocked me. I know that all around it’s the best thing for me - no more hope, no mixed messages, nothing. She is so cruel. I genuinely feel as if I can’t even get into another relationship, the scarring from this is so deep. I look and realise I’ve wasted almost two years on her, and could have been with someone else - but now I don’t even want to. She seems to have killed off my romantic inclinations. Even if SHE wanted me back, I couldn’t. I feel so sad that this has affected me and changed me so much. And she’s just gone off and doesn’t care, won’t even say sorry, or even “hello”, lol.

 

Friendship..that's the part of you that wants all your effort and energy to mean something because going separate ways after sharing something makes it feel like it was all in vain. But in reality, you don't want a friendship with this person, and I bet you most certainly don't want to stick around, waiting for them to hook up with someone else, right before your eyes. It's absolutely painful thing to see happen.

 

To be honest, yeah. That was one thing I was worried about, that she’d be receptive to friendship. I wouldn’t like to be messaging her and then she’d just disappear for a week, or go home from uni without saying anything to me, or find out she’s getting serious with someone else - that would cause so much pain, and I’m grateful I don’t have to go through that, at least.

 

That’s exactly it, I feel like well, what about everything we shared? We’re just never going to speak again? To be honest, the thought of never speaking again makes me feel anxious, nauseous - but there’s nothing I can do about it.

 

Also yes, you’re correct. My thoughts have always been “why did she do this?” “what’s going to happen?” but now I know there’s nothing else involving her. Sometimes my thoughts still do try to analyse, I’ve been doing it for so long with her. But that whole “now what?” - yeah, it feels so scary but at least I’m thinking about my future and she’s not in it.

 

School was monotonous and lonely for me as well while I was doing my undergrad. I didn't know why I was studying. It was just pointless, aimless misery.

 

Same. It’s become pointless, lonely, absolute misery. I want to cry (and sometimes do) every time I come home from lectures. Partly because of her, but also because it just wasn’t a good experience, for me. I’m trying to get into the readings and the whole spirit of it all, but yeah.. major effort required, right now. Can’t stand it. It’s almost as if I’ve ‘split’ on it - it’s all bad, split black, nothing good about it at all.

 

But what you’ve suggested there, writing out goals, setting goals, no matter how small… I think I’m going to do that.

[MeadowFlower]

Feeling a tiny bit anxious or something.

[scooby-philly]

Same. It’s become pointless, lonely, absolute misery. I want to cry (and sometimes do) every time I come home from lectures. Partly because of her, but also because it just wasn’t a good experience, for me. I’m trying to get into the readings and the whole spirit of it all, but yeah.. major effort required, right now. Can’t stand it. It’s almost as if I’ve ‘split’ on it - it’s all bad, split black, nothing good about it at all.

 

But what you’ve suggested there, writing out goals, setting goals, no matter how small… I think I’m going to do that.

 

Relationships are about growing together. Remember you are older and wiser and that she chose to end it for what she will probably think is silly reasons if she can ever admit to making mistakes. It will be 8 weeks for me on Thursday and while I think about her 50 times a day I miss what we had and put a lot of effort and emotion into the future and not what I needed or wanted in the present. She may spend years comparing every man she meets to you so remember that relationships are equal parts and you cant beat yourself up if you hold your end up

Edited October 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[fieldoflavender]

Hope you guys have been doing well (as can be). I took a break from here, not necessarily because life was "amazing and perfect" but because I thought I could completely move from the past. But I find that when stress in my new relationship (which overall I guess is going okay) or life/work then things start to fall apart. I won't let myself get back to where I was, but it's not good either recently due to all sorts of stress.

 

I'm doing long distance and it's wearing me out. Beach is right - when you give someone your heart and they trample on it (and maybe you weren't perfect either and had your own set of issues) and had all these unhealthy interactions and behaviours, and it totally leads into new relationships.

 

And it becomes so hard to find the person you once were. The good person who believed in good - it's so hard when someone can say nice things to you and then treat you so poorly.

 

Sometimes we don't like being alone, but there is some value in finding the peace and knowing you are overall looking out for yourself. And I think that's a lesson regardless if we're alone or with someone .

[scooby-philly]

@fieldoflavender

 

I'm doing okay. It's been 8 weeks today. I cant stop thinking about her 50 or 100 times a day. But part of that was me spending close to two years dreaming of a future together because it was a ldr. And because I was abandoned as a child and therefore have been conditioned to be afraid of losing people even though I am fairly content and happy by myself. I just need to get over the final humps with my heart and then start forcing my head to focus on me and my future and my happiness. While I am not a perfect man by any stretch of the imagination, I could not have done anything more better or different in the relationship to change the outcome nor could I have been more loving and supportive.

[scooby-philly]

And I think most of the pain is really about not getting closer and not realizing al the signs were there that he wasnt mature and ready for a real relationship and that I need to learn to stand up for myself and find someone that is going to love me more in 12 24 48 96 months not less.

[Ellener]

'I'm also just not interested in university anymore. I have not one friend in there and in every break I'm just hanging around on my own. On top of that, my ex comes in and goes out of her way to avoid any contact with me, and I have no idea why - it was HER that hurt ME, so why is she acting as if she is the victim? I can't be bothered to go through another however many months of this. It's so depressing and boring. I just want to leave.'

 

smellysocksuni make it your goal to join something, attend something, find meaningful things to do which are not dependent on other people's behavior.

 

After flooding wrecked my home 2 years ago I developed severe anxiety for a while and I made myself go to the movies once a week, go to a church political discussion group ( even though I didn't stay long ) and I found a nice coffee shop where I would just sit and read, it definitely helped me get better to be 'out there' and I said hello to people and listened even when I didn't feel like talking. I went for post trauma counselling too, which helped loads.

 

Don't leave university over this, in the bigger picture of your life university is for you and your long-term self-development, your feelings for a relationship however raw now will fade. Don't let a bad experience make decisions for you.

 

Keep writing your feelings down. Exercise helps me too. It does get better.

[smellysocksuni]

 

After flooding wrecked my home 2 years ago I developed severe anxiety for a while and I made myself go to the movies once a week, go to a church political discussion group ( even though I didn't stay long ) and I found a nice coffee shop where I would just sit and read, it definitely helped me get better to be 'out there' and I said hello to people and listened even when I didn't feel like talking. I went for post trauma counselling too, which helped loads.

 

Don't leave university over this, in the bigger picture of your life university is for you and your long-term self-development, your feelings for a relationship however raw now will fade. Don't let a bad experience make decisions for you.

 

Keep writing your feelings down. Exercise helps me too. It does get better.

 

Hello, thank you for replying to my post. That's why I'm still attending, because I know leaving over this is a bad decision, and when all my feelings are gone I'd regret it. But it's so difficult! I've never known a thing like it. I do the same as you, sometimes I go and sit in coffee shops or the library, I come home and play the guitar, go to the gym sometiems when anxiety isn't too much. I don't know that many people and at the moment I don't feel up to socialising so I try my best to do what I can.

 

I will keep writing and exercising. I am also sorry to hear that you went through a tough time, but glad you managed to come out of it.

[smellysocksuni]

I need to know why you did that when we went to your sister’s, because it makes no sense and I have tried to understand it.

 

Why have you cut me out of your life? I am going to be honest in that your silence is really affecting me, and I am struggling to manage with work at uni, for example. I didn’t want to tell you any of that, but I am reaching out to you to ask you as kindly as possible - why has all of this happened, when we were so close, before? I feel as if you really dislike me, and I don’t know why.

 

This is the last time I’m going to try and ask you this. I am aware that I am not doing the right thing, but it won’t take anything for you to talk to me. Please.

 

Posting this here because I almost sent it, and yeah.

[Beachead]

@smellysocksuni

 

Don't do it. She may not reply or she may just give you a very short, dry one. Worse, that reply will be sent at her convenience, forcing you to be at the mercy of waiting for it. I can't think of no better way to drive your anxiety up than to wait for a reply to a message you sent that you'll probably will regret sending. It will make what feels bad right now, 100X worse. When that reply does come, if it does..it'll give you one more thing to dwell on, which keeps your mind stuck on her, which puts you back into that cycle of practicing miserable thoughts regarding her..things you won't have any control of. That'll make you feel hopeless, and once again, it'll bleed into other parts of your life. You've got to exercise your mind out of her, away from her, towards other things. Can't let it guide you back into that slump of feeling like she is the end-all, be-all.

 

Why have you cut me out of your life?

 

You don't need her to answer that.

 

You gave everything you had but ultimately that everything you gave her, wasn't for her so she cut you off and moved on. Doesn't matter why. It just matters that she did; that she was able to. Someone who valued you, who was genuine, who saw a future..they just wouldn't be able to do that because they would want to realize that future with you. Her departure from your life only indicates, she was never going to be in it. Fix your eyes on the action she committed and that's all the answer you need. It's that simple.

 

Remind yourself of who she is and what she'll be like if you contact her. Remind yourself of why it ended. Don't let your mind put you back into a fantasy of thoughts. It's a hole that you will struggle to climb out of. Keep your mind in the reality and put in that work everyday to do so until you don't have to. I know it's hard.

Edited October 21, 2019 by Beachead

[Beachead]

@fieldoflavender

 

Happy to hear from you fieldoflavender but sorry to hear about the struggles.

 

I'm doing long distance and it's wearing me out. Beach is right - when you give someone your heart and they trample on it (and maybe you weren't perfect either and had your own set of issues) and had all these unhealthy interactions and behaviours, and it totally leads into new relationships.

 

Yep.

 

But you're brave and you're trying and the only way to really meet good people is to put yourself out there. Just make sure you have good things going on for yourself that you are working on, that bring you something positive to yourself so that you avoid solely depending on one person for your happiness.

 

- Beach

Edited October 21, 2019 by Beachead

[balletomane]

The abruptness with which everything ended is what hurts me. It makes me feel insecure and doubt my judgement and perceptions. It also makes me reluctant to trust people in case a similar thing happens.

 

Today I am coping by...

 

1.) Going to a poetry reading where I won't know anyone. I feel it's important to tackle my fears around socialising and trusting new people head on, and I want to get involved in the creative writing scene in my city.

2.) Making sure I eat a decent lunch. My eating has been all over the place since the breakup and I think it's affecting my energy levels.

3.) Taking a walk by the riverside.

4.) Practising my music, even if it's only scales. This distracts me and forces me to stay in the present moment.

[scooby-philly]

You've got to exercise your mind out of her, away from her, towards other things. Can't let it guide you back into that slump of feeling like she is the end-all, be-all.

 

You gave everything you had but ultimately that everything you gave her, wasn't for her so she cut you off and moved on. Doesn't matter why. It just matters that she did; that she was able to. Someone who valued you, who was genuine, who saw a future..they just wouldn't be able to do that because they would want to realize that future with you. Her departure from your life only indicates, she was never going to be in it. Fix your eyes on the action she committed and that's all the answer you need. It's that simple.

 

Remind yourself of why it ended.

 

@smellysocksuni

 

Beachead is right. I bolded a couple of parts. As much as it sucks, you have to work on your mind. Your heart may heal way before your head lets it drop. I know, because it's a challenge I've been working on since my split 8.5 weeks ago. As I told you - very similar circumstances. If she truly loved you then she wouldn't have gone after the easy fruit and she would have done more to support the relationship. As Beachy said - if you love someone, a friend, a family member, etc., then you don't simply walk away. Sure, I mean, there are a few instances why, but in most cases you don't and from what you shared it's not like you are a bad guy. As I may have mentioned before, no matter how hard it is - try listing out 10 or more reasons you're a great guy. Make another list of 10 or more reasons or examples of how you tried and how you were a good bf. Try a third list of bad qualities about how. Read those over and over again and try rewriting them to help reinforce the idea. It's not about "Trashing" her per se. It's about recognizing that you did your best, that she decided to leave you, and that you owe yourself and you deserve better.

 

It's been a struggle for me because I put so much energy into thinking about and imagining a future, but in reality, if I had paid attention to the here and now - and my wants and needs and feelings, it would have ended sooner. Don't beat yourself up and don't let your mind spiral. Fight it!

Edited October 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smellysocksuni]

Hello all,

 

Thank you so much for all the kind replies. I have been reading them over the last day or so and processing my feelings/thoughts.

 

I have realised, I think, that this search for "why" and desire for her to provide me with some sort of answer is because of many things. I think my mind has latched onto this search for answers to avoid feeling the full extent of the pain of the situation, which is that she ended things just as they were going well, and is never going to speak to me again.

 

The fact that I didn't really "do" anything to cause the breakdown of the relationship. I was trying to just be 'normal'. We'd spend time together, watch films, go to bed, go to uni. Talk, laugh, listen to music. I was, actually, happy. I enjoyed being around her. Some of it of course was negative, and I felt frustrated at times, but I still had those happy feelings.

 

Then one day, she destroyed it. So quickly, within five minutes, everything was shattered. She never really spoke to me again. I still can't tell you the actual reason she ended it. So I am upset, still, that she chose to do this. Then she blocked me when I tried to say hello to her, which only further added to the pain. Then my mind searched for answers to try and make sense of it, to try and soothe my pain.

 

But there are no answers. This is it. She probably has someone else, probably doesn't care when I message the group chat and my name comes up. Doesn't care when I brush past her to leave the classroom (which I had to do the other day, I practically touched her as I squeezed through the only exit) - my presence doesn't matter to her.

 

It's immensely painful. Unlike any emotional pain I've faced before.

 

But this is the illness (BPD), isn't it? I know that. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I know I just tried to be a 'normal' partner. I always replied to messages, I always tried to be caring, I always tried to be helpful and kind, affectionate, understanding, polite to her family. But none of it mattered in the end. She wasn't able to see those qualities in me and that's painful. She doesn't want me in her life for reasons unknown and that's painful.

 

So I think I realise that I am probably just avoiding the pain by seeking answers. It's horrible coming into uni and not being able to sit with or talk to her. I don't know how she manages it, or wants to leave things like this. I guess she just doesn't care.

 

I am trying every day to move the focus back onto me, but it's terrifying. Far safer, my mind feels, to remain fixated on the search for answers. I think it's time to start facing facts and facing the future without her.

 

Thank you also to those who have been really patient with me posting over the past few months .

[smellysocksuni]

The abruptness with which everything ended is what hurts me. It makes me feel insecure and doubt my judgement and perceptions. It also makes me reluctant to trust people in case a similar thing happens.

 

Today I am coping by...

 

1.) Going to a poetry reading where I won't know anyone. I feel it's important to tackle my fears around socialising and trusting new people head on, and I want to get involved in the creative writing scene in my city.

2.) Making sure I eat a decent lunch. My eating has been all over the place since the breakup and I think it's affecting my energy levels.

3.) Taking a walk by the riverside.

4.) Practising my music, even if it's only scales. This distracts me and forces me to stay in the present moment.

 

These sound like good ways to achieve some short-term coping and self-soothing. I'm sorry to hear about your sudden ending, too.

[scooby-philly]

@smellysocksuni

 

It's been important for me to remind myself about my good qualities, what I did in the relationship, what she didn't do, and how I wouldn't want to be with someone who could just walk away after investing so much. And...even if she had been withdrawing emotionally for months, if she's not mature enough to talk through things let alone be open to what her wants and needs are, then I deserve better. And so do you. Our minds are spiraling because we want, as you said, to answer that "Why", but in reality there is only one answer - her. She decides whats important to her and what she wants and she decides her life. If she doesn't want us in it - that's on her. THey will search for us in every single guy they ever fall in love with.

[Beachead]

@smellysocksuni

 

You're coming along just fine my friend. Just remind yourself, if she could leave you like that, is she worth letting the rest of your life go to waste? Is she worth letting a future relationship with someone new who may be right for you, go to waste? Don't let a messed up person who's actions are largely based on her own internal problems..destroy you and what you could potentially bring to this world.

 

And when I listen to you speak, you're very well-spoken. You're compassionate. Intelligent. Open to self-development. These are all qualities of a person who has potential to do a lot of good out there in the world. It's something you need to nurture.

 

Be around people who value and appreciate it. If you find them, take care of them. Treat them right. They'll treat you right as well. Moreover, do what you enjoy. Do what you love. If you don't know what you love, find out, because when you do, you'll meet people who share in that love which means you'll meet people more like you...and that's going to change you for the better.

 

- Beach

Edited October 23, 2019 by Beachead

[scooby-philly]

@smellysocksuni

 

You're coming along just fine my friend. Just remind yourself, if she could leave you like that, is she worth letting the rest of your life go to waste? Is she worth letting a future relationship with someone new who may be right for you, go to waste? Don't let a messed up person who's actions are largely based on her own internal problems..destroy you and what you could potentially bring to this world.

 

And when I listen to you speak, you're very well-spoken. You're compassionate. Intelligent. Open to self-development. These are all qualities of a person who has potential to do a lot of good out there in the world. It's something you need to nurture.

 

Be around people who value and appreciate it. If you find them, take care of them. Treat them right. They'll treat you right as well. Moreover, do what you enjoy. Do what you love. If you don't know what you love, find out, because when you do, you'll meet people who share in that love which means you'll meet people more like you...and that's going to change you for the better.

 

- Beach

 

@Beachead

 

Know you weren't talking to me - but some of this is so appropriate for me. I've spent a lot of time, energy, money waiting on people to change or to love me fully. Whether it was their sexuality, their hobbies and interests, or their personalities, I've stuck around when I wasn't happy, satisfied, or fulfilled. And I know, you can't base your happiness on someone else. I mean they weren't the right compliment to me and did not recognize the value that I bring to a relationship. With this last relationship, I thought we had so much chemistry so much potential. But I realize now through painful reflection that she was a potential problem in the making. Not that I'm perfect and I'm not saying she didn't have good qualities, but she was too immature and nowhere near ready for a real, loving, mutuality based relationship. I tried to be patient and I tried to be nurturing and supportive but you can't stick around when the other person isn't ready to grow and really doesn't even understand they need too. While her dumping and basically ghosting me was painful and immature, I guess it was the wake up call I needed to actually own my feelings and realize that besides not being ready and not being right, there were several instances where I should have walked away because of what she did to me. The major heart ache is gone, but I know the scars are still open at this point. Thankfully because of support and writing and doing a lot of self love I am slowly starting to win the battle with my mind which, like many others posting recently on here, still wants the "why" and "what else could I have done" answered.

[Beachead]

@scooby-philly

 

The post is for anyone who can benefit from it and I am glad being on here is helping you. I think a tragedy is losing yourself over someone who just didn't deserve that kind of power for you to begin with. There are people out there worth suffering for because they treat you so well and inspire you to treat them well. Your ex wasn't it.

 

But I realize now through painful reflection that she was a potential problem in the making.

 

I know how painful it is to come to that realization. You're going to come to realize how time and life lived after the breakup will quiet this pain down more and more. I can't promise you'll ever fully recover, because we are the sum total of all the good and bad experiences we've had and they are what make us who we are. We change when things happen to us. And if you think about it..we're always changing. So to expect ourselves to heal and return to who we were..I don't think that's realistic or a reasonable expectation to place on ourself. What I can promise you is this; you will recover even more and you will return to place in your life where she will not consume your daily thoughts. You will smile again and you will find joy in your life that is irrespective of her. You will find someone else attractive and they will find you attractive. Whether something may happen? I don't know..but the rest will happen.

 

I myself still have occasional weak moments sometimes about my last relationship. I felt an overwhelming desire to see what my ex was up to so I unblocked her on FB after 2 years. Took a long hard look at her wedding photos and the other photos she had posted of her and her husband. Not sure why I did this but I suspect it's because I've been feeling a bit lost in other parts of my life and it may have caused my mind to drift to a time when I was elated. Sometimes that happens. Anyway, the pain came. I sort of relieved my relationship in short...all the good feelings and moments and then the bad ones that came when everything really came to an end. With that, I remembered why I had to walk away. Despite some good times, I wasn't happy. I wasn't comfortable. I don't think I was being treated particularly fairly. Her ex was still in the picture. She still loved him and I knew that so I called it and sure enough, she went back to him days later. Eventually, she cut me off to invest in that and they married months later. I do blame myself sometimes for the errors I made as well as let my anxiety get the best of me but truth is, she wasn't all there in her mind and no matter how good I could have been, this thing wasn't going to last.

 

The first 3 months of that breakup, my best day would still have been 10X worse than the pain I felt last week. It's the first setback I've had since in nearly a year. So this shows tremendous improvement. Am I fully over her? Who knows. It doesn't really matter to be honest. Doesn't really matter why she left, it just matters that she did. I'm not really ashamed of the setback. I let it happen, knowing I'll pull out of it. Ultimately, I find solace in knowing I gave it my all and if my all wasn't enough to convince her to remain, there wasn't anything more I could do. It's out of my hands. You may have trouble processing something like that in the beginning of a breakup but it gets easier over the months to do so.

 

So I tell myself and get through these things as I advise you guys.

 

- Beach

Edited October 23, 2019 by Beachead

[scooby-philly]

Oh - I know it's for anyone - just meant I wasn't trying to fully hack the convo

 

Yeah - I can't say I "lost myself" in the past relationship. more like I put my life "on hold". Which I realize now was ridiculous because in reality there was no reason to except her immaturity and her family problems and that 90% of other women would have stayed in love with a guy who was so flexible, understanding, patient, kind, loving, gentle, sweet, and affectionate.

 

And yeah - I know I will carry the scare and good/bad memories with me. And I totally agree, every person, every moment, every experience can change us. And that's why I'm a firm believe in the balance between "soul mates" and "working for it". I think there is "one person" for a lot of people (not everyone) but a lot of people don't find them and that part of being the "one" (insert your favorite Matrix joke here) is the willingness to commit and work on things.

 

I've snooped on old flames and friends on social media. And yeah, after 6 years, 4 years out of relationships/friendships, things don't hurt and the "reasons" don't matter. And it sounds like you did the right thing when you walked away.

 

And I firmly agree 115% - you can only do your best. Sounds like you loved her and she was still attached to her ex, and her subsequent actions proved it. My recent ex said for close to 2 years she loved me and even on the day we starting breaking up had sent me a cartoon earlier that day talking about how her bf had "superpowers" but in the end, she was still not mature. She's controlled and shamed by her family, she's ashamed of her economic status and her looks (despite the fact that she's hot asf) and she barely has any real friends because she's afraid of letting her personality out and she isn't allowed a real social life and in the end, she's not ready to take on herself, her family, and her problems. I feel bad - in a lot of ways I am what she needs - someone loving, kind, patient, supportive, understanding, affectionate, can communicate, and also had to overcome a lot of similar issues before, but I'm not what she apparently wants right now. And if she doesn't even have the decency or courage to tell me the truth nor to see me in person then I don't need that sort of person in my life and it proves how little i meant to her in the end. There's not reason for me to feel bad about the situation, except when my ego/mind wants to figure out "why" and/or resonate the "it's my fault" talk that was beaten into me as a child. But I'm an adult now lol and I can beat other things into it myself.

 

 

@scooby-philly

 

I think a tragedy is losing yourself over someone who just didn't deserve that kind of power for you to begin with.

 

I can't promise you'll ever fully recover, because we are the sum total of all the good and bad experiences we've had and they are what make us who we are. We change when things happen to us.

 

I myself still have occasional weak moments sometimes about my last relationship. She still loved him and I knew that so I called it and sure enough, she went back to him days later. I do blame myself sometimes for the errors I made as well as let my anxiety get the best of me but truth is, she wasn't all there in her mind and no matter how good I could have been, this thing wasn't going to last.

 

Ultimately, I find solace in knowing I gave it my all and if my all wasn't enough to convince her to remain, there wasn't anything more I could do.

 

- Beach