MeadowFlower Posted September 15, 2019 Posted September 15, 2019 Have you ever taken a photo of your face, looked at it, and thought, "that can't be me".
MeadowFlower Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 "Make sure you don't start seeing yourself through the eyes of those who don't value you. Know your worth even if they don't." F*ck you b*tches. I am just as capable and just as responsible and just as good as a certain colleague, no matter what any of you think. It hurts.
Beachead Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 @Meadow "Make sure you don't start seeing yourself through the eyes of those who don't value you. Know your worth even if they don't." I struggle with this myself. It often happens if you're often around people who are not good for you. Make sure you keep more people in your life who love you for you but make you want to be better by example. They'll offset the bad ones who drain you. You're capable. You're responsible and making it through each day in the world today, is no easy task. So you're strong as well. - Beach 1
TaintedLuv Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 Another heartbreak. Another disappointment. Another fail. Wow. I feel your post so much. It never gets easier. Every heart break chips away at me more than the last. People say you need to be happy alone to be happy in a relationship but I disagree. I want to be apart of something bigger than just my lonesome self. 1
smellysocksuni Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 Have been back at uni for a week, now. Ex has been coming in and being very withdrawn/quiet, not speaking to anyone. She did a similar thing before after one of our break ups. I'm finding it difficult to cope. The classes are tiny, and it's hard not to notice her. I have cried a lot this week, when I'd stopped crying before when I wasn't at uni. I feel sad and don't feel like being at uni anymore. Today was strange, again. She came in late and sat at the back, somewhere. This was beneficial in a way for me, because she was out of my eyeline and it was almost like she wasn't in the room. After lectures, I made my way to the train station (which is connected to campus) and she was on the platform. I didn't approach her. Got on the train, got off at my stop. I usually cross the road to connect to another train to get home, but this time I walked up the street slightly, as I didn't really want to go straight home and was thinking about what to do next. I looked up briefly from my phone, and I saw her across the road, walking past. I'm baffled as to how I looked up and saw her at that exact moment, nowhere near the uni. I feel like she is just everywhere. This is proving a lot harder than I thought. She is just there, the temptation to reach out is there all the time, the pain is there all the time, and the loneliness and loss is amplified by seeing her all the time. Today we were given a brief on our dissertation and I honestly just feel like quitting. None of this seems worth it, anymore. I don't care about the degree, anymore. The entire thing has been overshadowed by this very painful and confusing experience - I don't enjoy being in the building, I don't enjoy having to keep avoiding looking at this person, I don't enjoy people asking me whether she's coming in or not, or bumping into her in random places. I want to reach out, but then she could just ignore me again, and I have no idea why she would be doing that - I wasn't the person who hurt or humiliated her. I feel like I am in a no-win situation. Contact her? Pain. Pretend not to care? Pain.
HiCrunchy Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 Hey, I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday I really wish we could talk like we used to, but it's been more than 2 years How the time has gone by. I miss you and wish u the best.
Cora Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 Had a dream about him last night. Haven’t dreamt about him in so long so not sure what sparked this dream. In the dream I was with a group of people who was invited by his girlfriend over to his and his girlfriends house. I think she wanted to show us their new house or something. We were all mutual friends....me, the girlfriend and the group of people. (In the dream though he didn’t know I was friends with his girlfriend therefor didn’t know I was going to be there.) Even though I’ve never met the girlfriend in my life. I hadn’t seen him in over five years. As we are touring their new house we enter the living room where he is sitting. He spots me and I can tell it caught him off guard as it did me as well since I wasn’t expecting to see him. As I walk past him I smile and say hello. He says “hey Cora” and then gets up like he was wanting to go in for a hug, but I just keep on walking by. Then I wake up. That dream really shook me up. Figured the dreams would end after it’s been such a long time. Guess that just goes to show he still enters my mind. Sigh...
Beachead Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 I'm feeling a bit of the blues these days myself guys. Right there with you.
afewscrewsloose Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 I'm feeling a bit of the blues these days myself guys. Right there with you. Sorry Beachead. I can’t relate to this exactly but I do suffer from depression just naturally and it comes in waves almost every day. I can say quite often it’s hard to see the bigger picture - actually that’s something I very much struggle with...I don’t quite know your situation but I hope the blues are much more short term in nature and that your head will clear more over time.
Rayce Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 I'm feeling a bit of the blues these days myself guys. Right there with you. <<<hugs>>> I hope you feel sunny soon.
Beachead Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 (edited) Hi afewscrewsloose, Oh no, my blues are a bit more than just blues lol. I just play it down loll. My story would be pages long but to summarize it, I've been through quite a bit in my life; illness, problems with my family that bled down to me from siblings and parents having their own problems as well as financial issues growing up. Dealt with bullying and always felt misunderstood as a result of these situations growing up. A lot of that translated into the decisions I made and the relationships I formed as an adult. Chose some terrible people to be my life and made some other bad decisions that made it all worse. I acknowledge some of it was my doing but some was also out of my control. I've felt alone and been stumbling through most my life since I can remember. The struggle even led me to an emotional point where I considered ending my life 2 years back. Though I climbed out of it with a lot of internal work, I still work through it everyday. It's a lifelong work-in progress. Thanks for the love! I hope you're managing your depression. Drop by and share if you need some advice or someone to listen. I'm here. Edited October 5, 2019 by Beachead
Cora Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 Depression sucks. Sorry you guys are feeling it too. I’ve been there more times than I can count and still struggle. Feels like my life is a rollercoaster of emotions sometimes. At times when things are good I’m on a high, but they never last long and I fall hard and crash. When I’m feeling low I’m really low. Like just the other night I was crying so hard and couldn’t stop. Every hurt, every piece of bad news was catching up and consuming me. In the moment I had a what If thought? Like what if I just took this whole bottle of pills? What if I just ended my life right now? Would anyone really miss me? Doubtful. At least this pain would be gone. Sigh....those are the thoughts I have sometimes. I’m always too chicken to go through with it, but yeah.....depression is a very low place.
Rayce Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 <<<hugs to all... Sending some sunshine! >>> I am sending you all love! :love: I have been waking up with tears in my eyes for months now... when does it stop? I don't know but we can't give up. It is a rollercoaster sometimes which means the up is just around the corner. Remember no one gets through life without some trial and tribulations… for us... it is battling depression! We can do it! Here at LS at least we have found others who understand. That helps me. peace 2
Beachead Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 (edited) You guys are all stronger than you may believe. I hope you realize that. It's not easy taking a beating by the things that end up happening to us in life, but still wake up each morning to give it another go despite wanting to quit. There is no way to do that without hope, without positivity, without courage. You guys possess that..and it's not easy work. But there you guys are, fighting everyday. Looking for help, looking for a place to rest, and looking for people to connect to, because despite the tears, you do want to get better and get going. And maybe we couldn't have the life we wanted but I don't think that means we can't want a new one and have it. Maybe this coping forum ends up being that place that starts you towards it. Edited October 6, 2019 by Beachead 2
smellysocksuni Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 I'm feeling a bit of the blues these days myself guys. Right there with you. Sending you some hugs, man. We're all in this together.
afewscrewsloose Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 Beachead, I’d post about it but in all honesty it’s never really changed and probably never will. Wish it was just the blues and had it for at least 20 years. At this point I’ve given up trying to make it better and accepted things for the way they are. Sorry to hear about all the tough times you’ve been through.
spiritedaway2003 Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 I'm feeling a bit of the blues these days myself guys. Right there with you. Sorry to hear, and I just wanted to send hugs your way. Can't be up and up all the time, but keep at it and hang in there.
MeadowFlower Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 (edited) I asked this guy if he wanted to come along on a trip I'm going to (another city in my country) and if he had been there. Nothing. No reply to the message, which he has opened.. He could've answered.. . Maybe I could give him until tonight, then write and say something like, I'll take that as a no. I know that's cheesy and lame, but what the fudge. And then maybe remove him from that platform. Boom. So long buddy. :-( Edited October 8, 2019 by MeadowFlower
smellysocksuni Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 After being at uni with my ex for the last two weeks, I stupidly reached out tonight. There's been no response, which is what I expected to happen. I had hoped for a different outcome, but here we are.
smellysocksuni Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 I'm also just not interested in university anymore. I have not one friend in there and in every break I'm just hanging around on my own. On top of that, my ex comes in and goes out of her way to avoid any contact with me, and I have no idea why - it was HER that hurt ME, so why is she acting as if she is the victim? I can't be bothered to go through another however many months of this. It's so depressing and boring. I just want to leave.
smellysocksuni Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 That's it then, we're never going to speak again. I honestly don't know how to feel. She's cut me out of her life and, I feel, all because of a conflict that she caused. I just don't get it. I genuinely hate and despise uni and have only negative associations with it, now. The whole experience is lonely and pointless, just like school was. I don't know or understand why she did any of this, from the random anger outburst to the continued and maintained silence with no attempt at apologising or even saying hello to me in class. I don't get it. But there's nothing I can do.
Beachead Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 (edited) @smellysocksuni Don't let your guilt consume you. Whatever you feel you did in the relationship that's causing it, remember that everyone makes mistakes. We don't always say or do the right things. But if a person has love for you, they'll have compassion. They will forgive. Everything works out as it should with people. All you have to do is be you and do the best you can, and let them decide if it's for them. If they stay, great. If not, you wouldn't have wanted them around anyway. We only mourn them when we dwell on what we could have had with them. What they could have been like. But if we accept what is and accept them for who they actually are, letting people like that go makes sense because what more could you do? It's not like you could be anybody else but you. You can look back in hindsight and think of the could of's, would of's, should of's but it's a waste of time. Like I said, if the connection they felt was strong, they'd stay anyway. So, take that guilt or regret and the pain and do better today. That's how you make it right. Anyone who chooses to walk away from you, well, it just means they were never going to be there for the long haul anyway. So never mind why she's acting the way she is. Who cares what she does. Going back to her to try something again would have resulted in more pain and more damage for you. Being friends with her is certainly impossible. So what else is there? Constantly being exposed to a person that has wounded us, is never good for our mind. I bet these feelings got worse for you when school started. The problem with being around a person who consistently makes you feel like crap is you start believing the rest of the world is just like them. You start feeling low about yourself. Everything else in your life starts to suffer as well. And then you get so used to the misery that, it's all you see and you miss out on so many good things. So always make sure you are protecting your mental-health. Be around people and things that make you feel at ease and peaceful. Make you feel loved, wanted, and useful. And then challenge yourself to learn more and get better. The more you accomplish, the more you learn, the better it is for your own life. But you'll also find yourself in a position and in a state of mind to be able to give back to others..and that will actually make you feel good about yourself. Nothing wrong with changing schools, programs, taking some time off to figure things out. Nothing at all. Contrary to all that pressure and expectation the world, our families, friends and ourselves put on us to perform to a certain standard, we are fundamentally human. We are going to discover and learn and grow and change as time goes. Life is a journey. The neglect of that is precisely why so many people suffer from anxiety and depression and even end their own lives. They unreasonably place too much expectation on themselves. You are allowed to f*ck up. Remember that. Change programs or schools or take some time off to work to figure things out. Save some money for a trip out of the country. Do what you want to do. Everything will fall into place. Edited October 9, 2019 by Beachead 1
scooby-philly Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 (edited) @beachead I needed to hear this today. Tomorrow marks 7 weeks since my last relationship ended. Thought I turned the corner a week ago - but had sad/depressing moments all this past weekend and every day this week. Trying to focus on what makes me happy and what I like to do in order to help move on, but I find that the sadness and depression drains my energy. Of course, it doesn't help that my job is currently at soul sucking stage. Been corresponding with someone on the site privately and it's been helpful. I think between what you shared and their thoughts, it's helping me understand both the relationship, myself, and also why I'm still feeling so stuck. In reality, I am missing what "could have been" as you said. It was a LDR with an age gap and I was patiently waiting her to complete her educational program. I ignored my own needs and eventually stopped asking for them to be met. I was subconsciously hoping things would change when we could be together full time. And I ignored or let the relationship continue after 3 instances of her completely disrespecting me and threatening to abandon me/relationship. I was addicted to the fact that I was finally in a relationship with someone who was affectionate, caring, and kind towards me and whom i had good chemistry and mutual outlook on life, despite the fact that she wasn't mature or ready for a real relationship and despite the fact that while she satisfied some of my needs, she didn't satisfy others and there were a lot of things she needed to work on. Not that I am perfect, far from it. But I was also trying harder then ever to address some of my flaws and find that I have change a bit for the positive/better over the past two years. And I understand now not only what I just shared about myself, her, my needs and the relationship, I realize now that I learned how to truly let someone love me, I learned how to truly love someone else, and I learned that I deserve better. Any tips on how to stop the mind from spiraling and focusing instead on the now? And I love the end of your reply - in the end - the only thing we take to the graves is our character and our soul and the only thing we truly leave behind is in the impact we had (good or bad) on people. Edited October 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed 1
smellysocksuni Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 Thank you Beach. I don't really feel much guilt. I know that I didn't do anything 'wrong' while I was involved with her... she caused and created all the conflict and confusion. I just feel sad that she never felt enough guilt or remorse to try and reach out. After the contact I made, she blocked me - I get it, sometimes we don't want to engage with certain people. But I have literally done nothing to her, as I said she is the person that inflicted all the pain. I haven't attempted to speak to her for months. Blocking feels so extreme - she's entitled to place her own boundaries, I know. I just didn't expect her to do that, and it's not very nice to experience. I wish I could take time off uni or change schools. This uni is the only one in my area that offers what I need, and I don't want to take any time off, I'm quite bored of uni as a whole so just want to get it done, really. I just hate being around her, I hate that she is painting me as the villain, I hate it all. It's over but I still have to see her, and tbh it's making me feel really strange. I never saw any other ex after we broke up. All I wanted was her to show signs of remorse or that she even wanted to be friends. Nothing. Going back to her would have caused me so much more pain, I know. It's all so messy and complicated. I just feel so disappointed that she turned out to be this person. I know there's now nothing left, and I feel quite scared because I was slightly hoping that she'd engage with me. I now know we will never speak to each other again, and that is a frightening thing. I had to take the day off today just to get my bearings again before I'm exposed to her - it's just like, "now what?" kind of thing. This situation is been so sad and confusing, now I just feel sad. And still confused. I hate that I ever met someone as unstable as her.
scooby-philly Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 @smellysocksuni Hang in their buddy. You'd be surprised how few people actually realize they make mistakes and how fewer actually admit to it. Even "older" people. In fact, some people are knowingly or unknowingly addicted to drama. If you grew up with a bad family or in a bad situation you get used to it too much and think that's the only way to live or how life is. Blocking is childish. And I read something in the past few weeks since my most recent break up - "you don't get to tell someone how to tell their story and you have to accept that sometimes you'll end up the villain in somebody's story". You may be a great guy and have been, or tried to be an awesome partner, but if she doesn't accept her share of the blame or worse - doesn't even think she did (or could do) anything wrong - there's nothing you can do to change her or her perspective. And in the end - do you really want to even try let alone be with someone like that? I've been talking with some folks on here and with friends and family and in the past 7 weeks since my breakup I realize I've been - in multiple facets of my life - waiting for things to change or get better. If things are good NOW, if you don't like the dynamic of a relationship now - there's no hope even if circumstances change that the dynamic and your feelings will change. If you can't take time or change schools - change perspectives. If you want to learn and grow see if there's a professional development group or trade association in your area for people who do what you are studying. Make some adult connections and learn from them. Find a mentor or two. One could even help you with non career advice! Find some groups online - Linked, national/international organizations for your industry to make connections and learn. And going back to accepting things as they are - someone told me this last week and it's hit me like a ton of bricks - often we hurt after a break up because we imagine what things COULD have been like or how they could have behaved. With my ex there was an age gap and in the end, I'm glad it didn't work out because she has a lot to learn and grow up around and if she could leave w/o seeing me face to face, then there's no reason she couldn't do that in 5 or 10 or 15 years. Character is pretty solid by 18 or 22. Sure, people do change, but it's not your job as a partner, especially before marriage, to find someone you hope is x. YOu need to find someone who IS x. Come up with a list and store it somewhere - on a phone, in an email or text yourself of the bad qualities she has, of the things she did to hurt you when you spiral - especially if you feel shamed or guilty. Remember, the only thing you control in life is how you react and feel to what happens to you. Hang in there! 1
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