How are you coping today?

[Teany3]

Cigarettes and Amy Winehouse on repeat. A quiet cellphone with no “message alerts”. My window AC humming in the background.

 

I didn’t think I would be back on here. But here I am.

 

Another heartbreak. Another disappointment. Another fail.

 

This time it was you. I didn’t think I was going to meet someone like you. And there you were. I always wanted one of those cute “how we met” stories and I actually got it. But now that story is tied up with a memory of me grabbing my box and a bag of stuff from your place and walking out the door with your voice behind me saying:

 

“Goodbye.”

 

I know all the rules and I immediately began No Contact. This time it was different with you. I actually saw us merging our lives together and really making a go at it. What can I say and expect I guess from someone who has been married and divorced - twice.

 

I wonder if you are thinking about me and wondering about me. We would usually be having dinner together. Chatting over wine. Me kissing you. You kissing me. Hugs and dancing in your kitchen. Cuddling throughout the night. Laying in your arms in the morning.

 

It was a short time. I get that and I understand that people say that “it’s better that it happened now instead of later.”

 

Unfortunately, my heart isn’t bilingual and is incredibly stubborn and can’t possibly comprehend that type of logic.

 

I am always the one that is broken up with. Always. No one stays and pushes through the storm with me. Ever.

 

This love sh.t is for the birds. For the generation of the 1950’s and 1960’s when there was no such thing as a “swiping” or individuals being able to dispose of one another so easily. When people actually put in the work for a relationship to last. Maybe it’s for “those” girls who never understand what it is like to truly be alone.

 

I openly blended you into my life, took pictures of us, introduced you to friends and family. And now here I am rehearsing the script I am going to say when once again - the holidays roll around and I am all by myself.

 

“Oh...I know...he was a great guy....we just didn’t work out…” I guess this is the one that is all encompassing.

 

This is a first for me. I actually have no appetite. Forget Keto, Southbeach, or any Trac.y Anders.n workouts. If you truly want to see the scale move have someone tell you that your “incompatible” and that “we aren’t what each other wants” and to have them stand stoically and watch you cry. Trust me. That m….f...ing scale will move!

 

Someone please tell me how those people who stiffened up their upper lip and walked away stoically did it? The only thing that happened was my upper lip quivered as I gave one last attempt to let him know that we could make it work before walking out the door.

 

No matter what I do miss you and I just can’t bear that once again I am going through this. I had visions of us over the upcoming holidays and now I just have to let those go. Let them go and once again put one high heel in front of the other. And do my best to move on.

 

Without you.

 

Middle finger on both hands to you sir.

Edited August 8, 2019 by Teany3
Huge space

[smellysocksuni]

Are you a writer? I felt every part of this. I'm with you, you can get through this.

Edited August 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Rayce]

It's the middle of the night here and I can't sleep. This week there was 3 more job search rejections... with no income the stress level is at an all time high. I feel so alone... I really have no support. Sometimes I go for days without actually talking with anyone... weeks months even without a real deep conversation. It's hard to open up here because of all the bullies... There is no one in my life that I can turn too when I am in crisis or when I just need some love. My family only loves me when my life is good. When I reach out for support they turn on me and leave me to figure it out on my own. I really have no one in my life that I can turn too... no one.

[MetallicHue]

I’m sorry you feel so alone. Making new friends is a good way to feel less alone. I’m personally terrible with keeping friends myself but they can be a good outlet and boost your morale. You can reach out to people online there’s a bunch of forums out there if you want to remain anonymous or meet up groups if you want to meet people with common interest. Good luck on the job search - I had a rough time recently finding something but eventually got a little lucky and things worked out. I hope the same for you.

[Rayce]

Thank you but your suggestion is not helpful. Like I just snap my fingers and make some friends. I need people in real life not friends on the internet. Making friends here has been really hard. I have major trust issues. The older you get the harder it is and I don't want to go on and make you a list of all the things I have tried so just believe me when I tell you that I am a very outgoing person and in the last 58 years I have tried many things. The last friend I made... I confided in her and her response was to start cyber stalking my xMM. So right now she know more about him than I do. I don't need a friend like that.

 

I've been out of work for 9 months now and employers don't want experience and knowledge they want youth. I feel I am being forced into retirement and I don't have the money saved for that. I had to apply for food stamps this week. That really sucked. I can't turn to my family for help because they treat me really bad.

[Single_again87]

Spent today packing up my things before our home is sold. It feels so wrong. All she keeps telling me is how sorry she is, that I did nothing wrong and that she was happy. I feel like no one understands and they keep me telling me to move on when all I want is her to come home. Today has been hard. I hope once I move away I will feel so much better.

[Beachead]

@smellysocksuni

 

My apologies for taking some time to get back to this.

 

Don’t worry, I read every word of this.

 

Some things you’re saying here really resonate. I won’t push for details, but you speak a lot about things not working out, some things being out of your control because of, well, how life has gone or the cards you’ve been dealt. From here, you seem to be someone who is coping well with setbacks, changes, etc. Really, you sound like someone I want to be like, lol.

 

I appreciate that friend but I'd say don't even worry about being like anyone else. Adopt the qualities in people that you admire and add it to your own and become a better version of yourself.

 

I was shy and quiet when I was a kid but I admired those who could get along with anyone. So I put myself in situations where I was forced to get out of my comfort zone, despite my social anxiety, and I got pretty good at being social. An ex from 10 years back often used to tell me I dwelled on my past too much, worried a lot, wasn't averse to trying new things and was largely negative. That got to me, because I knew it was true. I didn't want to be that way. I wanted to be forward thinking. Because of that desire, the will was there to change. So I naturally started looking for sources of where these qualities came from. I found out, it came from my family. It came from being around friends who weren't the best for me. Not pursuing things I loved. Creating a life that was more about projecting an image than being who I was and doing what I loved. The whole thing affected my attitude..and those things also affected who I chose to be around, how my relationships went, how I reacted to the sh*t life would throw my way. Everything. Once I figured it all out, I was able to change it. It wasn't an overnight thing. Took years. Old habits die hard so I had to constantly catch myself in the act and then correct it.

 

I can still get negative but it's quite difficult to do now. I tend to just to let myself grieve in peace and then proceed to find ways to get passed the problem.

 

Much later on, I found I was actually helping people in ways I never imagined I would. A classmate of mine apparently respected my ability to connect people and lead projects. Apparently, I made the most out of a poor situation with minimal complaint and that inspired him to be better. I didn't know that I had this effect on him until he told me a year later. Another friend told me the way I deal with my struggle inspired her to work on the way she dealt with her own struggles . Enough boasting..point is, people are watching.

 

I'm betting you there is something you've got that the world needs. Someone may be out there who is watching you without you knowing and there might be something they admire about you. I'm definitely coping just like you. I'll never pretend otherwise.

 

I often feel frustrated too – I was born into a family that treated me badly at times, and this just led to a life of low self-esteem, some mental illness (depression, anxiety, and I think perhaps CPTSD) – for years, my mind has been at war with itself. Never had the normal life pattern that others seem to. I’ve got one friend (which is more than most have, I know!) but like you, I thought I’d go another way. Group of friends, dinner parties, a good job, a partner by the age of 30, a car. It didn’t really work out because of the difficulties I’ve experienced and the impact they’ve left.

 

So, this thing with my ex. It just felt like for once, something was going my way! Yes! It wasn’t even that it was a relationship, it could have been a job, or a nice house. It was just something nice and made me feel good. Then it ended for reasons that obviously don’t make sense to me – I don’t agree with or understand the reason (still don’t know what the reason is) for it ending, but what can I do? It’s incredibly painful, and I wish it were another way. But it isn’t.

 

You felt love and affection and she took the pain away. The relationship was an escape to a wonderland. That's something many of us going through tough emotional trauma are liable to do. We use relationships as a means to save our life. As a result, everything we got, we put into it. When it goes wrong, it therefore destroys us.

 

Firstly, well done for taking control of yourself and your life (also I didn’t know you were a music teacher, that’s so impressive ) and making those changes, no matter how small or big. I think this is something I’m going to try and implement. Even if it’s just keeping my room clean or remembering to take the trash out or whatever. This is more helpful than you know.

 

Good for you for removing those crappy people. It takes a lot, because sometimes it’s easier to just keep people like that around. I did, for years. The friend I mentioned who I fell out with was an AWFUL friend yet I stayed in that dynamic for years. Now that she has gone, I feel better in a lot of ways. Sometimes holding on is indeed worse than just letting go.

 

 

Keeping your room clean is a proper start. I can't think in cluttered space. I get restless and irritated. I discovered, when the room was clean and the bed was made, I felt more at ease. More productive. Really helps with school. The little things can add more to your performance. It also feels great when you wake up the next morning and you don't see a 10ft mountain of dirty laundry lying on the chair .

 

I always want to say, you are one of the kindest people I’ve met online. You are incredibly patient and understanding and I cannot tell you how much your words help me. Some people can be blunt and that’s good, but that approach doesn’t work for everyone, especially those who may be a bit sensitive or not at the right place to receive blunt messages. So thank you. I really really mean it.

 

I hope that it gives you hope, friend. When I was going through things and seeked advice, I always admired those qualities in those that helped me. I guess I adopted it for myself over time.

 

- Beach

Edited August 10, 2019 by Beachead

[Rayce]

Shopping therapy always helps. I got myself a new bookbag to use when I start my piano class and a photograph class at the local community college by my house. They are both night classes so if I land a job I won't have to drop them.

[Rayce]

well its another night I can't sleep. ugh... I was suppose to have a date tonight but I got ghosted... strange considering the guy sent me a message yesterday saying he couldn't wait to meet me only to ghost me. I have so much on my mind and no one to talk too. It really sucks not having anyone to talk too.

[Rayce]

It's hard for my kids when I'm depressed or lonely or need help with something. They seem to lack empathy toward me. The only family I have around here is my daughter and she is in full bit** mode right now. Impossible to be around let alone talk too. My camping trip a few weekends ago was horrible... she was so rude to me I wanted to come home the 1st night. She is no support at all. I learned several years ago not to engage in type of confrontation with her. She will not think twice about cutting off access to my grandkids. She is brutal toward me when is in bit** mode. My son made it clear that he did not want me live within 500 miles of him... he said he didn't want me thinking his friends were my friends.

 

I am thinking of giving up on the job search and taking a road trip. I've always wanted to see as many of our National Parks as I can. Sitting around the house day in and day out is not working for me. I'm thinking I need to wrap my head around early retirement and what that looks like if I can't get back into the workforce doing what I like. I am not up to working with any temp agency. I signed up for some classes that start at the end of next month so would be a good time to take off. I need a different mindset.

[Beachead]

@Rayce

 

You love your kids and they're letting you down. It's the people we love that hurt us deeply. Out of all the people that hurt me, its ones closest to my heart that hurt me the most as well.

 

Something I urge you to remember is no matter how much we cry over people's treatment of us or how often we express the hurt to them that they cause us..ultimately, it is up to them to change. You can't do it for them. If you can't change others, what do you do? The answer is you're going to have adjust yourself. Either that or you live long enough to watch yourself die inside. And you don't have to commit suicide to see that happen.

 

You have to step back emotionally put some distance, for your well-being, so that you can learn how to enjoy life apart from them. It's mandatory. I see you've joined music and photography classes and I think this will help. Do that road trip and visit all the national parks. I strongly recommend it. Don't publicize it on social media. Don't tell a lot of people. Just keep it as private as possible. This will make it less about showing off to others and more about enjoying the trip for yourself.

 

When we're around people who neglect us, we can begin to lose confidence in ourself and think we're worthless. We become depressed about ourself and what's around us. We then approach other parts of life from that miserable standpoint. We may as a result of our state of mind, actually create circumstances that continue to bring harmful things into our life (Bad friends, sticking in unhealthy relationships or situations such as bad jobs) and/or we become unable to see the good in anything. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy that spirals towards a spiritual death.

 

People don't know what they're doing. They're a mess. They're lost. They're trying to figure it all out..but they pretend well. The way they treat you is likely more to do with them than you. Don't let their struggles in life destroy you. I did for a long time. My entire self-worth went to the toilet. I know how you feel about not having real companionship. I complained about the same thing for years. But I found no matter how much I complained or how upset I got, nobody cared anymore than they did before, regardless of my falling apart. Like I said, people won't change unless they want to. There's not much we can do about it. And their actions are more to do with them, than us. So, I stopped seeking friendships, relationships, approval..all those things that made me dependant on others and their volatility and I started relying on non-human related pleasures. Things that just made me feel good on a day-to-day. It all eventually came down to if i was going to go on one more day, why would I do it and for whom would I do it for? I decided, it would be for me.

 

Your road trip, sounds like the kind of idea that stems from a similar philosophy. It's something you want to do. It's solely for you.

 

Your emotional resources aren't infinite..they are limited. Self-management regarding those resources are crucial to your well-being and life. So I'd start getting good at evaluating for whom, where and what you wish to direct those resources towards.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited August 13, 2019 by Beachead

[Rayce]

Thanks Beached... have no worries I am not a coward and have a passion for life so onward I go. I am not afraid of living the rest of my life alone... but I am human and I do get depressed. I know I can't control my kids but it is heartbreaking. I was a single mom and made a lot of sacrifices so they could be raised in a small town with all of their families. I love them but right now I need a space from them... maybe they will learn some appreciation if I am not easily available.

 

I am going to take that trip. I need to arrange for someone to take care of my dog and it looks like I might have a house/dog sitter lined up in a couple of weeks. I agree with you about posting to social media... I have already been away from that for several months now. I don't even miss fb anymore. I plan to do some journaling while I am traveling and leaving the computer stuff at home.

 

I've been told many times over that my life is so interesting that I should write a book. So yesterday I chatted up with ghostwriter about doing a bibliography. I ran the idea by my daughter and she was like wow that's so cool... I could see you traveling around the country doing book signings. lol... The ghostwriter seemed like a good fit and it's an idea that I have been tossing around for a long while now. He seems to have the right contacts for tv and internet things and I may have enough content for a series. lol... Not sure how I feel about having a series about my life... I was just considering a book. lol... anyway that got me thinking about my creative side and the classes I am taking... maybe I will just learn how to direct and produce that series about my life myself. lol... I have also decided to take my music videos off of private and rebrand the YouTube channel to be my own and highlight my work. That way I won't lose the work I have already done and I can add it to my portfolio. Then today an opportunity popped up at my networking meeting for me to get in on the ground floor of new company being put together by a group of ex Microsoft leaders what will allow me to use my database skills.

 

And so that is how it goes for me.

[smellysocksuni]

My university emailed me today, it's time to enrol for the next term. This made things feel quite real - it's only like 6 weeks until we head back for our last year. And there she'll be, lol.

 

Uni doesn't do much for me anymore. I think the experience with her, and just all my failed attempts at finding friends plus the long breaks that just make you lose enthusiasm for it all. I don't really want to go back, but I won't quit. I'll complete it, but yeah. I'm not into it that much anymore.

 

I try so hard to bring my focus back to myself but it's going to be hard to pretend she isn't there lol. This is someone I do still care a lot about, even though I don't want to feel that way. I notice my anxiety is coming back so I'm taking some anxiety medication to help with that a little bit. Well, there's nothing I can do. I keep trying to stay in the present moment but it's 6 weeks away, that's no time at all, to me.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I had been doing really well the last 2-3 weeks. I feel like myself again. Finding my happy place more often than not etc. But today I feel Blah.

Feelings just crashed when I got home from work.

I am working on feeling my emotions when I get them so this is a test to see if I can let the feeling flow instead of pushing them down.

How do I feel? Sad, alone, not lonely, just alone, uncertain, vulnerable, but I am ok.

[Beachead]

@lonelyplanetmoon

 

I am working on feeling my emotions when I get them so this is a test to see if I can let the feeling flow instead of pushing them down.

 

That's how you do it. Let those emotions fly. Acknowledge them. Embrace them. Feel them. When you are aware of them and the pattern in which they arrive if there is one, you'll start learning how to work through them and you'll get better and better at it. I recommend getting into a routine of journaling often so you can begin tracking what kind of emotions are coming and how you are progressing. And when you discover a certain thought process or strategy that helps deal with a certain emotion, you can write it down, so that if you forget and said emotion returns, you have it written down to keep you on track.

 

When I made a breakthrough regarding my breakup during a time where I felt strong, I immediately wrote my thoughts all down. I wrote out all the reasons for why my relationship ended and why it wouldn't work out if my ex ever came back. I was only about 4 months post-breakup and 2 months NC, so I knew I'd end up feeling sad and weak again. And that is exactly what happened, but I returned to my journal and re-read it to set my head right. It was exactly what I needed.

 

At the same time, keep living. Don't push yourself too hard, but keep living. Work, study, engage in activities where you can build yourself up and where you can have some fun, but don't jam your schedule up so much that you don't have time to relax. You'll need that free time to let your mind work through all your pain as well.

 

Balance both and you'll continue to see progress at your pace.

 

- Beach

Edited August 20, 2019 by Beachead

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Thanks Beach!

 

I am doing a slow burn. Slow and steady.

Tomorrow will be a new day!

[MeadowFlower]

F_ck all guys in general on the planet.

[MeadowFlower]

Hold anyone who hurt you or rejected you in such disregard, that you don't even give them any thought.

[MeadowFlower]

I think he was in my dream last night

[MeadowFlower]

I looked at his Facebook today. He's in a relationship it says.

 

:-(

[Rayce]

I need to go back to work so I am can be around more people. This isolation is not doing me any good!

 

peace

Edited August 24, 2019 by Rayce

[Foxhall]

Sometimes I miss the days of the past,

 

no turning the clock back though:eek:

[Rayce]

I use to be able to sleep all the way through the night... but recently that just isn't so... If I lay down I just toss and turn... and I am sick of the dreams I've been having taking me to places where I am not wanted.

[CT98]

I'm pretty much back to my normal self now.

 

I feel incredible relief, I could almost cry I feel that relieved that the ordeal is almost over.

 

Hang in there it DOES get better.

[The Outlaw]

I'm cool. Three day weekend inbound if nothing happens. I've more than gone the extra mile at work and I deserve the extra rest.