How are you coping today?

[smellysocksuni]

The only lingering thing I feel from that incident is the feeling of not being good enough. It's a feeling I find nearly impossible to shake and I don't even bother trying to pursue a relationship. I truly wonder if a long term relationship with someone is just not in the folds for me in this life. Being alone doesn't scare me, but there are nights that I certainly feel lonely.

 

I'm sorry to hear that all your experiences have led to you feeling this way. I could have written that - I feel just the same. Perhaps some people just aren't destined for a relationship.

 

I see so many couples who are just 'together', and have been for years, and wonder what the elusive secret is and why that has eluded me. Why I haven't just met someone and been with them for six years or since school or whatever. I genuinely don't believe there's someone for anyone. I think some people strike lucky, others just don't.

[Optimystic]

Last night was really hard. I had strong memories of you, and it's been a little over 6 months since it ended. I still miss you sometimes.. but I'm trying to move on. I know it's for the best. We really weren't right for each other.. I'm still wondering why we crossed paths and went through everything we did in that year and half.. but time will reveal it. I haven't forgiven you yet, but a part of me will always love you. I know we can't see each other for a long time.. maybe ever again. I wish you'd apologize, but I'm sure that's wishful thinking. I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I still wish we hadn't caused so much damage to each other so that there was a possibility of being friends. Time and space for now. That's what is happening. I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me one day.

[Madd_hatter]

Went out with the girls for drinks. It was supposed to be fun. I’m more miserable now then I’ve been in months. I just got home to an empty apartment. While you’re home in bed with her. Why did she get so lucky. Why does she get to sleep in your bed. Oh god I miss you. What I would give to have you here tonight. I really wish I wasn’t alone. I miss you like crazy it’s making me sick. I can’t stop it Jason I can’t feel better. I need you. Oh I need you so bad. I don’t know what to do. I can’t move on.

[MeadowFlower]

People suck.

[Realitysux]

I got the job that made me depressed throughout the silence. I took the silence for rejection and found another job. For those fragile heartbroken readers, a persons silence isn't necessarily good but this was for a job that would get me back into administration. I don't care about the job any more but after being rejected so much over the year's, I felt good being the chosen one.

Edited July 29, 2019 by Realitysux

[smellysocksuni]

It’s perfectly OK for a person to end things with another person and not want to engage, I get that. I’m not suggesting that she must forever stay in contact with me against her wishes.

 

I find it so hard to articulate how I feel about this university thing – I feel obsessed most of the time, but it feels as if it is looming over me and I can’t escape it. This entire dynamic has caused me so much stress and confusion since it began, all I want to do is move on with my life. I don’t want to be around someone who is rejecting me and doing it in a way that I feel is more hurtful than it needs to be.

 

I understand that she is protecting her own emotional wellbeing, and that she can’t help how she acts. Everyone is entitled to take actions that ensure their own emotional wellbeing, yes. She is not responsible for my happiness, no. But the situation that we were in has affected me and my happiness, yes.

 

During this time I have learnt that I am probably suffering from CPTSD – not just from her, but from childhood events. I’ve learned so much about why I am the way I am, and how people in my childhood treated me and how that has made me into who I now am. So this all feels a lot harder than simply going into uni and just ignoring her myself.

 

Even thinking about it now, I can feel myself in the classroom, seeing her over there – the urge of wanting her to notice me or talk to me will probably be there. And I don’t want that to be there, I just want to step out of all of this. It’s gone on so long, I’ve thought about it so much, I’ve written so much about it – I just want it to end, now.

 

Honestly, I have thought so many times about just leaving university. I have zero interest in it, now. My emotional health feels more important than some piece of writing telling me I’ve got a degree in something I’m not even that interested in, anymore. To sit around in the vicinity of someone I do still have feelings for, but who has convinced herself in her mind that I shouldn’t be in her life because of some wrongdoing I didn’t even do.

 

To know that she has completely written me off as a person. To know that she doesn’t care about the rest of me, or the time we spent together, isn’t interested in talking to me. I get that all that stuff comes after any break up – but here it was different. She didn’t just fall out of love with me or get bored or whatever else.

 

I wish she’d even just say “hey, I’m sorry about what happened” – but I’m not holding out for it, nor do I think she’ll ever do that. She seems content in never engaging with me again. I know that without seeing her ever again I could just move on.

 

I’m probably overthinking a lot of this, my own anxiety and worry doesn’t calm down. There’s a lot of fortune-telling and mind-reading going on, I can see that. I don’t know what will happen, and I don’t know what she thinks or feels about me or the situation. Maybe it will be just as difficult for her, maybe she does think about me, maybe she does regret it – although after this amount of time I doubt it.

 

Even these posts, I feel like I am boring everyone to death with this – I myself am bored to death of it all. I just want to move on.

[CT98]

In a couple of days time it will be 2 months post break up.

 

These last few days I've felt like I've made palpable progress toward being healed. I no longer wake up with a knot in my stomach and a burning chest, and I am having moments - sometimes extended - of real, proper happiness.

 

I still have times of feeling negative emotions, but they are becoming fewer and more far between as time marches on. I am able to bring myself out of them by employing a positive thought process which facilitates better feeling emotions rather than allowing my thoughts to spiral and ruin my whole day.

 

One thing that definitely helps is to remind myself of how much better I'm doing than I was before.

 

I'm excited to see where I will be in another month's time, hopefully close to that sweet sweet feeling of indifference.

[Beachead]

I got the job that made me depressed throughout the silence. I took the silence for rejection and found another job. For those fragile heartbroken readers, a persons silence isn't necessarily good but this was for a job that would get me back into administration. I don't care about the job any more but after being rejected so much over the year's, I felt good being the chosen one.

 

Congrats friend. You initially had hopes for the job and were depressed because you thought you weren't going to get it. Now you have it.

 

Something that helps me when I stop caring for the job is to focus on what that job might bring to your life or what it might lead to. For example, better financial security or career advancement but maybe it's even worth delving deeper..maybe you'll have more savings to travel or just buy the things you've always wanted to buy. Maybe there's something you've always wanted to start in your life or there was an existing hobby that was put on hold for financial reasons and now you'll earn enough to afford supplies or classes to advance in it. Maybe that investment might turn that hobby into an eventual entrepreneurial endeavour. You never know.

 

It's good to be able to recognize the value in those little wins today that come our way in life. What might seem like nothing today, might grow into something great next year. Depends on how you approach it. Like they say, a couple of steps forward today and everyday onward in any regard means you'll have travelled some distance after a years time. I think all of us here know those good times don't come by too often. Treat yourself. Appreciate it. Value it. Doing so is a skill to be able to do this and just like any skill out there, be it technical or soft, you'll get pretty damn good at it. Right here, right now, is a good opportunity to practice.

 

Glad to see something turned up for you. This thread could use some good news as well.

Edited July 30, 2019 by Beachead

[Realitysux]

@Beachead.

 

Thanks. The painters coming in to paint my house in the morning. I just finished picking out the color for the kitchen and I'm so happy and can't wait for it to be finished. I am exhausted with the path I chose (which wasn't that job) because I am closer to my goals. This is me giving a bit to my future.

 

I also made connections for my son and I both. I am walking daily and eating more healthy. I am making the steps to feel better at least. When I feel down I tell myself "time to nurse those bad feelings" and I start with compassion.

[The Outlaw]

In the simplest terms I can currently think of, I'm breathing.

[Beachead]

@Beachead.

 

Thanks. The painters coming in to paint my house in the morning. I just finished picking out the color for the kitchen and I'm so happy and can't wait for it to be finished. I am exhausted with the path I chose (which wasn't that job) because I am closer to my goals. This is me giving a bit to my future.

 

I also made connections for my son and I both. I am walking daily and eating more healthy. I am making the steps to feel better at least. When I feel down I tell myself "time to nurse those bad feelings" and I start with compassion.

 

Good.

 

That's all you can ask of yourself. Give yourself some understanding and compassion and just do things that give back to you in positive ways. With a little support on the side, things will look up.

Edited July 31, 2019 by Beachead

[MeadowFlower]

People will show you how unimportant you are to them by their actions.

[smellysocksuni]

"Meet new people!" "Make new friends!" is the cry.

 

To be honest, people have caused me a lot of pain. The last thing I want to do is risk going through any more of it.

[MeadowFlower]

"Meet new people!" "Make new friends!" is the cry.

 

Make new friends? What, so they can come to the conclusion that they don't like you anymore and the friendship dies. Or so you can get attached to someone but they don't get attached to you. Or so you like them more than they do you. Sounds like a great plan aye.

Edited August 2, 2019 by MeadowFlower

[Cora]

I honestly don’t know why I try anymore. I am starting to realize I am cursed when it comes to finding love. It’s not something I’m meant to find. Every romantic encounter will always end in heartache. It’s so easy for some. I am tired....I feel ****ty and I am in tears. I’m done...

[Rayce]

Make new friends? What, so they can come to the conclusion that they don't like you anymore and the friendship dies. Or so you can get attached to someone but they don't get attached to you. Or so you like them more than they do you. Sounds like a great plan aye.

 

They just lied, cheat and steal from you anyway....

[smellysocksuni]

Make new friends? What, so they can come to the conclusion that they don't like you anymore and the friendship dies. Or so you can get attached to someone but they don't get attached to you. Or so you like them more than they do you. Sounds like a great plan aye.

 

THANK YOU. This is my sentiment exactly. I always say it's just like throwing up after a slice of chocolate cake, and then someone saying, "why don't you try that other slice of cake? that will cheer you up!" - why return to the very same thing that caused the issue?

 

And there are good people out there, no doubt. But who has the emotional resilience to begin trying to weed out the good from the bad? Not me.

[smellysocksuni]

Over the last couple of days I had been looking at her WhatsApp activity. Not something I'm proud of. She's coming and going offline with regularity - I have no evidence that she's involved with someone else, but it's not impossible. I think she probably has met someone else by now, judging by that constant online behaviour she's doing.

 

I know her love life doesn't end with me, I know. Doesn't mean it ain't gonna hurt though, lol.

[smellysocksuni]

Me again.

 

I fell out with a friend earlier this year and a couple of weeks ago I sent a 'closure' email. I sent it from a temporary email address so there could be no reply. Since doing that I haven't thought about or felt anything and feel as if it's all been let go.

 

I wonder if that would work for my ex. I don't want a response. I just need to get these things out. Not saying I would do it, but sometimes I wonder if that would release this pressure

[Beachead]

Over the last couple of days I had been looking at her WhatsApp activity. Not something I'm proud of. She's coming and going offline with regularity - I have no evidence that she's involved with someone else, but it's not impossible. I think she probably has met someone else by now, judging by that constant online behaviour she's doing.

 

You have to pull her off of Whatsapp because of the angst and pain it generates. It makes you want focus on her activity which exactly what you're doing. I've been there, clicking on my ex-girlfriend's name and looking at the last time she was online..realizing it as just 2 minutes ago, and then dwelling on how she never said a thing to me. Wondering why? You can't let go and delete them because it'll mean giving up the last remaining connection to them and admitting you made a bad call, chose the wrong person and lost some time in your life because of it. You're afraid to move on because you don't think you have what it takes to get a better life. So you keep your eyes glued to the past, because it's safe and comfortable, even though it's terrible or you. You have to have faith in yourself.

 

Think about it. You two will never be friends. You two won't get back together again or get married. You're not family. There's no relationship there in any sense. She's literally dead weight in your life.

 

I wonder if that would work for my ex. I don't want a response. I just need to get these things out. Not saying I would do it, but sometimes I wonder if that would release this pressure

 

It might. I've done so in the past and it helped...but it'd be wise to ask yourself if you're doing this to evoke some kind of reaction from her because you want to affirm you mattered to this person or if this is solely for you. Because what if she gives you a dry response or doesn't respond at all? Can you still find peace knowing you said what you wanted to say? Or is it going to upset you she didn't care and give you more to dwell on?

 

- Beach

Edited August 3, 2019 by Beachead

[smellysocksuni]

"You're just afraid you don't have what it takes find a better life, that's passed her. You just have to start having some faith in yourself"

 

Lol, I can't even disagree. This is the thought I had today - what am I moving on to? My life is so boring, etc. I don't think my life can be better, and it IS a total lack of faith. Also fear, really. Fear of the future, fear of letting go.

 

No, can't be friends with her. I think maybe with another kind of ex but not her. In fact my best friend of 12 years is someone I dated for a while. No romantic feelings there at all and no drama or problems. We have never fallen out once in 12 years.

 

The contact idea... "doing this to evoke some kind of reaction from her because you want to affirm you mattered to this person to soothe your ego or if this is solely for you."

 

think it's part of all of those. the last thing i said to her was something polite and i guess 'nice'. saying something now or in the future I know won't change the situation. and she is particularly cold and dismissive (dismissive-avoidant) so its around 0.001% chance I'd hear something helpful. I don't know.

 

Thank you Beach I didn't expect a response from anyone was just getting it out. Thank you for not judging me.

Edited August 3, 2019 by smellysocksuni
added comment

[Beachead]

@smellysocksuni

 

No problem friend.

 

Lol, I can't even disagree. This is the thought I had today - what am I moving on to? My life is so boring, etc. I don't think my life can be better, and it IS a total lack of faith. Also fear, really. Fear of the future, fear of letting go.

 

I know

 

The trick is accomplishing things. Whatever it is. You have figure out what you want out of this life and then you have to make a realistic plan of how to get there..and then you start working at it, and ticking off those goals one at a time. Little by little, you're going gain confidence and feel better. If you're not sure what it is you want to accomplish, take some time and figure it out. Make a plan and go for it.

 

For me, it was becoming a better music teacher to my students. Getting better grades in my post graduate studies than I did my undergrad. Learning how not to burn dinner when I make it, by actually learning how to make it lol. Becoming a better uncle, son and brother to my family. Simple things..but it gives back to me in a big way. Self-created, good energy that I need to change my outlook in life and help me keep going forward.

 

I always preach this on here like a broken record because it works.

 

And I get everyone of you guys on here. I do. I didn't envision my life to be like this either. I wanted a bunch of friends I could hang out with often and I always thought I'd get married in my 20's. Somehow, that life never happened for me. Yet, I went on to see everyone else have it. People may blame you for things happening to you saying it's all in your control but not everything in life is in your control. For instance, I was diagnosed with an illness as a kid and grew up with it. It was isolating. It impacted so many aspects of my life. My education, my career choices, my mental health and my maturity..bled right into my relationships. Was that my doing? My fault? Nope.

 

I didn't have a say in a lot of things that happened to me, but I always had a choice in deciding where I wanted to go from there. It just so happened, for a long time, I chose things that hurt me more. But I eventually discovered, if I set goals and I accomplish them, I feel better and I feel happier. That helps me to dwell less on what went wrong, and focus on what can go right. Not one of my problems involve crappy people because I don't keep them in my life. I know who's there, I know my priorities. I know my boundaries.

 

It's advice for everyone but especially for people like us in this thread, who've been beaten down into a corner and made to feel like they're unloved...setting those goals and accomplishing things in life, is a matter of life or death. We cannot afford to validate our self-worth by whether people approval of us or not. If we do that, it's a downward hole to depression, and maybe suicide.

 

Anyway I went off on a tangent there but there it is for the taking.

 

- Beach

Edited August 3, 2019 by Beachead

[smellysocksuni]

Hello again Beach

 

Don’t worry, I read every word of this.

 

Some things you’re saying here really resonate. I won’t push for details, but you speak a lot about things not working out, some things being out of your control because of, well, how life has gone or the cards you’ve been dealt. From here, you seem to be someone who is coping well with setbacks, changes, etc. Really, you sound like someone I want to be like, lol.

 

I often feel frustrated too – I was born into a family that treated me badly at times, and this just led to a life of low self-esteem, some mental illness (depression, anxiety, and I think perhaps CPTSD) – for years, my mind has been at war with itself. Never had the normal life pattern that others seem to. I’ve got one friend (which is more than most have, I know!) but like you, I thought I’d go another way. Group of friends, dinner parties, a good job, a partner by the age of 30, a car. It didn’t really work out because of the difficulties I’ve experienced and the impact they’ve left.

 

So, this thing with my ex. It just felt like for once, something was going my way! Yes! It wasn’t even that it was a relationship, it could have been a job, or a nice house. It was just something nice and made me feel good. Then it ended for reasons that obviously don’t make sense to me – I don’t agree with or understand the reason (still don’t know what the reason is) for it ending, but what can I do? It’s incredibly painful, and I wish it were another way. But it isn’t.

 

“For me, it was becoming a better music teacher to my students. Getting better grades in my post graduate studies than I did my undergrad. Learning how not to burn dinner when I make it, by actually learning how to make it lol. Becoming a better uncle, son and brother to my family. Simple things..but it gives back to me in a big way. Self-created, good energy that I need to change my outlook in life and help me keep going forward.”

 

Firstly, well done for taking control of yourself and your life (also I didn’t know you were a music teacher, that’s so impressive ) and making those changes, no matter how small or big. I think this is something I’m going to try and implement. Even if it’s just keeping my room clean or remembering to take the trash out or whatever. This is more helpful than you know.

 

Good for you for removing those crappy people. It takes a lot, because sometimes it’s easier to just keep people like that around. I did, for years. The friend I mentioned who I fell out with was an AWFUL friend yet I stayed in that dynamic for years. Now that she has gone, I feel better in a lot of ways. Sometimes holding on is indeed worse than just letting go.

 

 

I always want to say, you are one of the kindest people I’ve met online. You are incredibly patient and understanding and I cannot tell you how much your words help me. Some people can be blunt and that’s good, but that approach doesn’t work for everyone, especially those who may be a bit sensitive or not at the right place to receive blunt messages. So thank you. I really really mean it.

[Cora]

@MeadowFlower.....tried to message you back, but it says your inbox is full.

[MeadowFlower]

@Cora, it should work now.. I've just deleted a couple.