Beachead Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 I saw this quote on Instagram, "If life can remove someone you never dreamed of losing, it can replace them with someone you never dreamt of having." That is a refreshing way to look at it. Perspective definitely helps.
Beachead Posted July 15, 2019 Posted July 15, 2019 (edited) @smellysocksuni Big post for you. When those thoughts stray over to her, write just as you have on here..but in a journal, and keep that writing focused on yourself only. Not on her. Focus it on what you want accomplish in your life and who you want to be. What direction do you want to go in your career and how far in it? What kind of jobs do you need to work? What do they demand of you? If you're lacking skills, how do you acquire them? And what can you do in university to help maximize your chances of achieving that longterm objective? What can you do this year? Focus it on the other parts of your life that are equally important as well. Do you want to get better at things you are weak at or are already good at? Do you want to learn something entirely new? Do you want to travel? How do you turn these desires into reality? What do you need to do. Sit down with your journal open, dive right into your heart and start painting the most detailed picture about what you want from your life. You're probably wondering..Beach, what the hell does this have to do with my ex and healing? Well..your ex and what happened is out of your control. People and their reactions and the way they treat you largely out of your control in general. There are so many external factors that go into their behaviour which influence the way they treat us. Their past, their baggage, the people they surround themselves with, their personality which shapes the choices they make and the things they do. It is all largely out of your control. I'd say your ex's treatment of you had 90% to do with her and her bullsh*t and 10% to do with you. If you let your thoughts stray in that direction and then let it sit there, you're going to feel hopeless because ofcourse you can't do anything about that..and that is going to affect how you feel about everything else in your life. You also won't pay attention to what's coming your way so long as your eyes are fixed on your rearview mirror so you end up missing the good out there, flying your way in the opportunities you can't see. You end up destroying your entire life because someone else whom maybe was going through some family problem and was at just having a bad year (As an example to show how irrelevant her behaviour towards you can be). It's a waste right? I'll tell you what's not a waste though; you. So who do you want to be? What kind of friends do you want? What kind of career do you want? What kind of life do you want? Does it include a couple of furry 4 legged friends who bark? Does your house resemble a condo in a city or a nice bungalow in a suburb with a lot of trees an a big back yard? Paint the hell out of that picture. Last thing I want to say is, although making a plan will orient your mind towards the direction it should be facing, it won't get you to your destination. Getting there requires a daily promise to yourself to keep working at that plan through good and especially bad times. Stay disciplined and committed. And you have to dive into it like you've got nothing to lose..and I bet you already feel like that anyway right? So why not take that pain and channel it into building your dream life. Put it into a direction that's going bring you results. In summary: 1. Get to know yourself 2. Make a plan. Write your goals. Set your boundaries. 3. Go at it. If you stay on it, you're going to see results. When you see the results, you're going to realize you're capable and things are possible. When you realize this, you're going to feel in control, more confident and also content with life. You're going to start believing in yourself as well. And that good energy is going to spray into the air like perfume or a cologne and someone is going to smell it and they'll like it and want what you bring. But you don't ever do this for anybody or to meet someone. You do it for you. You don't need her or her approval or her wishy-washy, hot and cold bs. You don't need anybody like that...draining the life out of you. What you need is support, love and laughter and a strong belief in yourself that you're going to make something of your life and you're going to be just fine when you do. - Beach Edited July 15, 2019 by Beachead 1
fieldoflavender Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 I haven't been here in a while because I was trying to do the "happy" thing you know. And I'm not saying I'm not "happy" but like - you know Beach you were right. The "happy" moments are great, and the grandiose plans for a bright future. I'm doing long distance and it's hard and I'm more cranky and memories of the bad times from the bad time come back. I don't know if I can withstand him through the bad times. I know he is a different person, but it's hard - when I think of how bad it can be. Because you're right - I did fall in love and it was SO good at one point, and then it turned SO bad. What's to stop this time from turning bad too? I don't know. I don't want to give up, but I am scared. After all that I've been through, I don't think I've truly healed. I just want to be happy, but I can't - a part of making myself vulnerable is scary. I'm not quite ready yet. Is that okay?
Beachead Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 (edited) @FieldofLavender You like him but you're scared to get hurt, so I'll say this. Doesn't matter how prepared or ready you think you'll be, you'll never ever fully be ready. To expect to be, is unrealistic. You're not going to know everything about your partner or the decisions they might make. You won't be able to predict the future. There is always going to be variables you can't control. Whether it's with this guy, the next one, or the one after that, at some point, you'll have to leave yourself vulnerable to the uncertainty and take that leap of faith to see if it works. If you leave out of fear when you like the person, you won't ever rediscover that emotional intimacy you seek because you protect yourself out of it. Even though something could go wrong and end, something could also go right and work out as well. It's about how willing you are to incur the risk and see it to the end. Same goes for me. I've been out of dating for 2 years. I know if I meet someone new, I'll still bring that same fear of getting burned into a new relationship. I know my anxiety is going to come. I know I'll have to work it out. What I tell myself is this: Whatever you decide to do, you need to make sure you make peace with it and you don't look back. If you decide to stay and work on it, don't regret it if it goes sideways. If you decide to leave, don't dwell on what could have happened had you stayed. Make peace with whatever you decide right here, right now and find solace in believing it was a risk worth taking. - Beach Edited July 17, 2019 by Beachead 1
Cora Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 And the self sabotaging begins. If only I can ruin things before I get too close or in too deep then it won’t hurt as much. Sure I’d like to find a lasting love....but sometimes I think I’m far too damaged...
Realitysux Posted July 18, 2019 Posted July 18, 2019 Went on a job interview, didn't hear anything back even though I followed up. Went out with a guy for coffee a few days ago and haven't heard anything back. I'm depressed and feel completely rejected. I can go further then this but someone has to give me the chance.
Cora Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 Took a look at her Facebook recently.....she had a post on there about how much she loves him and how he came into her life at the perfect time and healed a broken heart. Funny how he healed her broken heart while at the same time breaking mine...
Rayce Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 It's been nearly six months. <<<HUGS>>> Your doing great! Keep up the good work! Soon this will pass.
Rayce Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 Took a look at her Facebook recently.....she had a post on there about how much she loves him and how he came into her life at the perfect time and healed a broken heart. Funny how he healed her broken heart while at the same time breaking mine... <<<HUGS>>> I am sorry... deactivate fb for awhile. You will feel so much better for it. 1
Realitysux Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 (edited) I'm not here for a breakup at all anymore. I'm here coping with life stuff in general. The guy end up calling me which is nice and he wants to meet up later for a work out. I'm glued to my email continually pressing refresh waiting for an update on the job. He hasn't responded to my follow-up and even though there are other jobs -I had my heart set on this one! My ex is down again on Sunday but I'm moving on and accepting that situation. What I need is a really good job! The guy is a professional soccer coach and has a fantastic personality. He is fun and full of life so I enjoy being around him. I don't know if I'm going to be good company right now because this job was something I wanted and I am really disappointed. At the same time, am still hoping I got it. Edited July 19, 2019 by Realitysux
Beachead Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 (edited) @Realitysux Try not to bank your hopes on one thing. Like you said, if it doesn't happen, it'll be a massive blow to your mood, your confidence and your well-being overall. Don't do that to yourself. You want to keep your overall state-of-mind balanced as possible. So keep applying. If you were able to find a great job like that, trust that there will be more jobs you'll encounter that you'd like. Same principle applies to dating. Don't bank on one thing..not in the beginning atleast. If you do, and that person ends up doing something stupid or hurtful, it'll hit you that much harder. Aim to date 3 people. This is just enough to get to know others without getting relatively attached and affected by the outcome. It'll also help you stayed levelled in your mood if they bring hot and cold, up and down bs to the situation. If one drops out or you decide to walk away from someone, atleast you have 2 others to figure things out with. It's also just enough to give you some alone time for yourself to assess and recuperate. And don't worry that it might be insincere to do something like that. Like I said, we've all been burned and heartache is difficult and time consuming to deal with and there are self-centered, selfish people out there. Can't sit there pretending like there isn't. You don't want to hand your heart over to person immediately. Yes, show them some respect and yes give them a try but remember they have to earn your trust and your loyalty and that takes time. I approached my jobs and my dating life like this when I was in it. - Beach Edited July 19, 2019 by Beachead
Beachead Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 (edited) Took a look at her Facebook recently.....she had a post on there about how much she loves him and how he came into her life at the perfect time and healed a broken heart. Funny how he healed her broken heart while at the same time breaking mine... Cora, block her. Otherwise you're going to be tempted to continue looking and you'll make yourself feel like crap. It's going hold you back by continuously reopening old wounds. Continuing to keep your eyes in the rearview mirror. And you won't realize it but, you'll every possible good thing that comes your way because you'll be distracted by yesterday. Yes, you'll feel bad at times even with them blocked but that's why you come here and talk to us. You'll find that pain will slowly start to dull down when you let it go. It sucks what happened to us that experience will be in vain, if we let it destroy our life. We need to power through and find joy again. 10 years from now, you want to look back at that experience and see it as a basis for how you ended up finding the good, satisfying life you're living now. You don't need the past. You don't need him or her. You got a promising future with untapped potential to discover. Edited July 19, 2019 by Beachead 2
Realitysux Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 @Realitysux Try not to bank your hopes on one thing. Like you said, if it doesn't happen, it'll be a massive blow to your mood, your confidence and your well-being overall. Don't do that to yourself. You want to keep your overall state-of-mind balanced as possible. So keep applying. If you were able to find a great job like that, trust that there will be more jobs you'll encounter that you'd like. - Beach I needed to hear that since that's exactly what he is doing to me by continuing to accept applications and conduct interviews. It has effected my mood. The dating doesn't really apply to me since I'm not looking for anything serious from this guy and am just happy with a few free work outs from someone with his athletic experience I am applying for jobs. I do appreciate the advice and just want to say that your posts are so insightful and helpful. You have helped a lot of people on this site -myself included. 1
MeadowFlower Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 <<<HUGS>>> Your doing great! Keep up the good work! Soon this will pass. Oh no I'm fine in that regard, or near fine. Didn't need to post that it was nearly six months. Thank you though :-)
Beachead Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 (edited) Just a little post for me. It appears, I've healed some more over the past few months. I've been quietly paying attention to the emotional change and didn't want to declare anything until I was sure..but I'm sure now. I'm just all around finding it harder to feel any pain from my most recent break up. I just can't bring myself to care anymore as much as I did. Today, I realized I'm having trouble remembering how her face even looked like. It's not just her and that relationship, it's also happening with the ex before her as well. A part of me is sad for this but I'm more relieved than anything. I was sick of thinking about people who've long since left my life. Sick of their memories affecting me. It's about time it got to this point. Only thing that sticks around is how they made me feel during the relationship and when they broke my heart but I'd rather remember that so I stay cautious for the future. Good riddens. Edited July 20, 2019 by Beachead 4
smellysocksuni Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Thank you for that message you posted, Beachead. Thank you for extending so much kindness towards me, a person you don't even know. Thank you. That message helped me to move forwards a bit more, and to re-evaulate where I am in my healing and my life. I really appreciate it.
Beachead Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 (edited) @Smellysocksuni No problem friend. In my darkest moments, when I was most vulnerable, I remember a few individuals who offered a piece of advice that changed my life or just saved me from getting into a crappy situation. They didn't have to do it, but they did. So because of them, when I get angry at life, I can't really ever say this everything sucks or that I got to where I did in my life entirely by myself, because I know people like that exist and they helped me. And I always remember the help I got. Sometimes these people can be family, sometimes they're friends, sometimes they're just flat out strangers. A little love goes a long way. Thank me by paying it forward to someone else one of these days, when you feel capable to. - Beach Edited July 20, 2019 by Beachead
Cora Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 <<<HUGS>>> I am sorry... deactivate fb for awhile. You will feel so much better for it. Thanks, you are too kind. Yeah I’m done with FB for awhile. How are you doing?
Cora Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Cora, block her. Otherwise you're going to be tempted to continue looking and you'll make yourself feel like crap. It's going hold you back by continuously reopening old wounds. Continuing to keep your eyes in the rearview mirror. And you won't realize it but, you'll every possible good thing that comes your way because you'll be distracted by yesterday. Yes, you'll feel bad at times even with them blocked but that's why you come here and talk to us. You'll find that pain will slowly start to dull down when you let it go. It sucks what happened to us that experience will be in vain, if we let it destroy our life. We need to power through and find joy again. 10 years from now, you want to look back at that experience and see it as a basis for how you ended up finding the good, satisfying life you're living now. You don't need the past. You don't need him or her. You got a promising future with untapped potential to discover. Thank you Beachead. I always appreciate your helpful advice. I’m done with FB for awhile.
Cora Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Just a little post for me. It appears, I've healed some more over the past few months. I've been quietly paying attention to the emotional change and didn't want to declare anything until I was sure..but I'm sure now. I'm just all around finding it harder to feel any pain from my most recent break up. I just can't bring myself to care anymore as much as I did. Today, I realized I'm having trouble remembering how her face even looked like. It's not just her and that relationship, it's also happening with the ex before her as well. A part of me is sad for this but I'm more relieved than anything. I was sick of thinking about people who've long since left my life. Sick of their memories affecting me. It's about time it got to this point. Only thing that sticks around is how they made me feel during the relationship and when they broke my heart but I'd rather remember that so I stay cautious for the future. Good riddens. Glad you have healed even more. Sounds like you’re doing really well. I completely understand about forgetting how their face even looks. I have experienced that as well. On one hand it’s sad, but on the other hand you realize it’s all part of the healing process. Best of luck to you on your continued healing journey. 1
Cora Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Feeling pretty ****ty tonight. I started dating again....thought I was ready. Met this pretty amazing guy who lives about an hour away from me. We’ve been talking for a couple of weeks and had made plans to finally meet this weekend since we are both off work. We’ve talked daily for hours on end....sometimes even staying up until after 2 in the morning. The conversations were awesome. We have so much in common and it seemed like thins were going well, but he has stopped talking to me. Haven’t heard from him all day. So I can only assume he’s already lost interest. I was so excited to meet him. Now I just feel silly. What the hell was I thinking? These things are always going to end the same way. When will I learn? I made a mistake and let my guard down. I just need to face the fact that I’m meant to be single. Love is meant for others....not me. Time to wise up and not allow myself to be vulnerable ever again.
JP92 Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Haven't been on here in a long time. A little over a year since my sad experience and I feel a million times better. I still can't believe how mentally defeated and bad off I was during the early stages of the process.....healing is just something you can't force and occurs naturally. I've never come close to feeling a level of depression like I felt last year and I never thought I'd survive, but here I am today. The only lingering thing I feel from that incident is the feeling of not being good enough. It's a feeling I find nearly impossible to shake and I don't even bother trying to pursue a relationship. I truly wonder if a long term relationship with someone is just not in the folds for me in this life. Being alone doesn't scare me, but there are nights that I certainly feel lonely.
MeadowFlower Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 Feeling pretty ****ty tonight. I started dating again....thought I was ready. Met this pretty amazing guy who lives about an hour away from me. We’ve been talking for a couple of weeks and had made plans to finally meet this weekend since we are both off work. We’ve talked daily for hours on end....sometimes even staying up until after 2 in the morning. The conversations were awesome. We have so much in common and it seemed like thins were going well, but he has stopped talking to me. Haven’t heard from him all day. So I can only assume he’s already lost interest. I was so excited to meet him. Now I just feel silly. What the hell was I thinking? These things are always going to end the same way. When will I learn? I made a mistake and let my guard down. I just need to face the fact that I’m meant to be single. Love is meant for others....not me. Time to wise up and not allow myself to be vulnerable ever again. You can come join my singles club.
fieldoflavender Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 @FieldofLavender You like him but you're scared to get hurt, so I'll say this. Doesn't matter how prepared or ready you think you'll be, you'll never ever fully be ready. To expect to be, is unrealistic. You're not going to know everything about your partner or the decisions they might make. You won't be able to predict the future. There is always going to be variables you can't control. Whether it's with this guy, the next one, or the one after that, at some point, you'll have to leave yourself vulnerable to the uncertainty and take that leap of faith to see if it works. If you leave out of fear when you like the person, you won't ever rediscover that emotional intimacy you seek because you protect yourself out of it. Even though something could go wrong and end, something could also go right and work out as well. It's about how willing you are to incur the risk and see it to the end. Same goes for me. I've been out of dating for 2 years. I know if I meet someone new, I'll still bring that same fear of getting burned into a new relationship. I know my anxiety is going to come. I know I'll have to work it out. What I tell myself is this: Whatever you decide to do, you need to make sure you make peace with it and you don't look back. If you decide to stay and work on it, don't regret it if it goes sideways. If you decide to leave, don't dwell on what could have happened had you stayed. Make peace with whatever you decide right here, right now and find solace in believing it was a risk worth taking. - Beach Thanks - the fear will never really go away, until maybe at some point, I will know? But even if you've been with someone for 30 years or something, I'm sure there is still some fear somewhere. Anyone can change at any time. But you have to be happy with yourself and you have to able to exist with yourself and just yourself. Sometimes I think I'm still trying to find myself. I really don't like the long distance and the duration of time I have to do it. But is it just that or is there more uncertainty in general that I don't want to face? We can't have it all in life. I don't really know how to really find myself sometimes. I do think though my past experiences are preventing me from truly being happy. When someone's burnt you as bad as you've been - it's really hard to come from that and fully trust that someone else can give you happiness or that you can even find it within yourself to be sooo happy. I find yes I am overall happier - I have someone, and it's a sense of security. But deep down, I know never to take anything for granted anymore. Anyone can leave anytime - so when someone tells me they will be with me forever, I just can't believe anymore. They have to prove it - when times are tough. I have to believe in myself that I won't want to run away when I feel anxious, when I don't feel good, when I miss them and they're not there. Maybe I am too jaded, but a small part of me simply doesn't believe in all that fairytale stuff anymore. I feel that part died with the last relationship. I've mourned, I've mostly forgiven, but the part where I am supposed to believe in magic again is simply not there. I believe for a little bit, then reality hits. Life changes you. And some things you can't turn back the dial.
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