How are you coping today?

[JDPT]

Starting the day OK. I just got back from the gym and plan on running a few quick errands. I just need to pace myself.

[Never Again]

Carrying on.

 

I've been talking to a lot of close friends (some actually close, and some "situationally" close), and have been admitting to my depression and anxiety.

 

I'm not involving them in the huge drama-storm of my life, but talking helps ME...and it also makes me feel a little better to be able to offer an explanation to these people as to why I was the way I was.

 

It's been really difficult to talk about. It's been hard to admit that a previous ex girlfriend and her family abused me emotionally and psychologically, that I began obsessively reliving that trauma 5 months later and became terrified of intimacy and commitment, that I was so stressed out and exhausted that I forgot how to have fun because I simply didn't have the energy.

 

It hurts a little to realize that I'd lost myself and no one realized. That's been a bit of a bump in the coping-road.

[uku383]

This morning I'm not as bad as I've been, but it all still hurts.

 

My muscles are twitching. I'm thinking about my need for a job and how I moved away from where I could find well paid, secure work for my wife. I feel some anger towards her that this security now seems to be denied me. It's not her fault - I made my own decisions, but I feel resentment that her life will be as secure as she wants (she is very successful) whereas mine will not be.

 

It's rough. Off to group therapy today. Hopefully that will help, but I'm not looking forward to the 3 hour drive.

 

I wish that everything was different, I really do.

[wistfulgirl]

Months on, seem to have gone backwards. Feel like I want to just hibernate or go into a coma until I feel better. Can't laugh or enjoy anything, and an effort to get through every day. Miss him so much, but know he has forgotten about me, and is never coming back :-(

[AnyaNova]

Starting the day OK. I just got back from the gym and plan on running a few quick errands. I just need to pace myself.

 

Had to miss my first couple classes today to go to the lab, get the levels tested and then go on to get the shot.

 

I woke up feeling really really awful, really bad lightheadedness, and funky heart things. Getting the shot alleviated most everything, but I loathe missing class. I know it is stupid, but no matter how bad I feel or how sick I am, I always feel like, I don't know, a bad student or a bad person.

 

Today hasn't been the best of days. I kind of got my hopes up on something stupid, and well let us just say that all signals today were that, well, I'd gotten my hopes up on something stupid, stupidly.

 

My workout was interesting. Some of the things I did better, and some of them I really didn't do well with today.

 

I am going to go give myself a few minutes for a dashed hopes pity party , and then get more work done.

 

Why is it, that spring and summer when with the warmth and the sunlight and everything and I am perfectly content being single, I never am, and in the winter and the cold when forgive me for being human, but I'd really like someone to cuddle with against the ice and the snow, I am always alone?

[Lifegoezon]

Reading a lot of forum posts to get perspective. No desire to break NC but still checking every hour to see if he has. Then I remember what he did and I know there's no going back. I'd still stay NC. Pointlessly wondering if valentines day will bring contact. Glad I found this site. It is full of such wisdom.

[AnyaNova]

Screw it!!!!!

 

I have been going about this all wrong!

 

I have, with this deficiency, been trying to limit stress as much as possible. Letting some things slide so that I can keep my academics, and deciding that I would put off adding more back in until after I could make it from one shot to the next (right now, 2 a week) without crashing or dipping.

 

But maybe, that is allowing something to persist and not be found. Maybe, what I need to do is continue to do everything I want to, everything I need to no matter how far I crash. Go ahead and go to the gym 6 days a week. Push myself to get all my house tasks caught up. Make myself go out some.

 

Maybe, to get this thing figured out and truly solved, I need to push it. If it pushes the levels really low, maybe it will push them low enough to cause more investigation into why I can't hold on to them for any length of time.

 

Could be risky for me, but maybe to stop living this half life where I have to triage everything and treat my energy like a sparse bank account, it need to take that risk.

[AnyaNova]

Starting the day OK. I just got back from the gym and plan on running a few quick errands. I just need to pace myself.

 

I am so tired, I forgot to say anything at all about you in the above. Forgive me. Pacing is good. Getting a good start on the day is good.

 

TBD. Sounds like it probably was a good day for you. I am glad. Seems like when one of us has a bad day, the other has a good one, so I guess it all balances out.

[JDPT]

Screw it!!!!!

 

I have been going about this all wrong!

 

I have, with this deficiency, been trying to limit stress as much as possible. Letting some things slide so that I can keep my academics, and deciding that I would put off adding more back in until after I could make it from one shot to the next (right now, 2 a week) without crashing or dipping.

 

But maybe, that is allowing something to persist and not be found. Maybe, what I need to do is continue to do everything I want to, everything I need to no matter how far I crash. Go ahead and go to the gym 6 days a week. Push myself to get all my house tasks caught up. Make myself go out some.

 

Maybe, to get this thing figured out and truly solved, I need to push it. If it pushes the levels really low, maybe it will push them low enough to cause more investigation into why I can't hold on to them for any length of time.

 

Could be risky for me, but maybe to stop living this half life where I have to triage everything and treat my energy like a sparse bank account, it need to take that risk.

 

 

It's so amazingly interesting that you post this today. Earlier, I was having a conversation with someone who provided me with some overdue tough love. She said to me "are you going to go out and live your life, or allow this injury and break up to defeat you???" that alone put so much into perspective. Lately, I've almost classified myself as having a disability and limiting myself from doing a million other things. She helped me understand that there is a difference between being diligent about my condition and allowing myself to heal AND realizing that I have a million options and that this injury shouldn't be the focal point in my life as I have so many things simultaneously occurring.

 

 

Today for the first time I lived a little. I laughed and felt that laughter in my heart. I kept telling myself that I have a choice, and that I will not allow the past to predict my future. The past will remain stagnant as it should, and I will continue to progress and evolve into a better me. Even if this joy lasted only for today, I wish to continue to take advantage of this positive momentum to allow it to last as long as I possibly can. We have options, and I'll speak for myself when I say that I at times feel doomed with no way out when in reality all I need to do is think creatively and outside the box. There is no down time when it comes to healing your heart, and body. I need to continue to propel myself forward and eradicate all thoughts from the past in order to built a better future.

[JDPT]

I am so tired, I forgot to say anything at all about you in the above. Forgive me. Pacing is good. Getting a good start on the day is good.

 

TBD. Sounds like it probably was a good day for you. I am glad. Seems like when one of us has a bad day, the other has a good one, so I guess it all balances out.

 

 

 

If one trips and falls, the other helps in getting you back on your feet and continue the journey. Today was a very calm and decent day to say the least. I was singing in my car to the top of my lungs and for the first time in a while wasn't pretending to be happy.

I'm starting to realize that if we allow these issues we deal with (deficiency and fracture) and placed them on a pedestal as we did with out exes, we will only set ourselves up for having this "thing" that will have control over us and dictate our mental state. Yes what we feel is real, and yes it can be very inconvenient at times but truth is that it's not the end of the world and we will come out of this victorious, not today and perhaps not tomorrow but with vigorous perseverance we will. We'll manage to look back and internalize the fact that going through that rough patch was necessary and inevitable. And as they say, joy wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for pain.

[somedude81]

Feels like my heart just exploded.

 

When am I going to learn that I can't write about my ex without severe emotional consequences?!

[Itspointless]

Memory our defining feature, such a wonderful and awful thing, every morning there they are: memories. Became used to the fact that she is gone and used to finding myself in this hell-hole again. Never thought to be there this soon with her, as feelings had nothing to do with the break-up. Feeling more neutral each day, almost normal, except for the emptiness: it sucks. I really hope she is doing well, as I care a lot for her. It pains me that she perhaps thinks otherwise.

[jphcbpa]

feeling happy and hopeful today. thankful and excited about the future. I am ready for the next phase. good things are happening to me.

[purplehues]

I seem to be doing a lot better too. Still sucks, but I'm really over trying to figure out what went wrong. She's not contacted me at all, so she obviously doesn't care much--or not enough to apologize and give me some clarity.

I haven't cried in a few days, found a new place to live, and am slowly accepting my life without her in it. 21 days since BU and 21 days of no NC. I am convinced that NC is the way to go. I think I'd be falling apart if I knew what she's been doing, especially if it means that she's been doing well without me. So basically, ignorance is bliss!!!!

And I look forward to falling in love again

[jphcbpa]

I seem to be doing a lot better too. Still sucks, but I'm really over trying to figure out what went wrong. She's not contacted me at all, so she obviously doesn't care much--or not enough to apologize and give me some clarity.

I haven't cried in a few days, found a new place to live, and am slowly accepting my life without her in it. 21 days since BU and 21 days of no NC. I am convinced that NC is the way to go. I think I'd be falling apart if I knew what she's been doing, especially if it means that she's been doing well without me. So basically, ignorance is bliss!!!!

And I look forward to falling in love again

 

great news on the new place to live. make that your special hide away just for you. make new memories just for you.

 

yes NC is the blessing. Keep going. If you do NC, you cannot make any more mistakes. It will give you time to heal, focus on you, work on you, evolve and evaluate.

 

It does not matter what she is doing. Stay on your course. One day at a time. You are powerless over her, what she does or does not do. You have power over how you love yourself and live you life.

[Tripz]

Was doing pretty well, but I have to drive by my Ex's apt to take my son to school. She just moved in Saturday before last and that first week, she had my son. She's still seeing her alcoholic (recovering) lover, but not when my son is there (so far). Sunday, I picked my son up for my week. Today, I see my Ex's BF's car parked in the visitors parking space. I figured he'd be sleeping over there, rather than in his low income housing unit, but to actually see his car there brought up some pent up emotions and I actually found myself getting angry for the first time. I've never gotten angry or mad during this past two months, since D-Day, probably because he was once a good friend and I didn't want to sabotage getting what I want out of the divorce. I even had him help me move my Ex into her place, biting my tongue, not causing any issues. But, I'm not sure what I will do once she finally signs the paperwork. Struggling to keep my slightly evil side in check and seeing him at her place (yes, I realize it is HER place and HER life now) makes me come up with all kinds of payback scenarios. I got over it pretty quickly, though, because I'm not about negative energy. Nothing good would come of me confronting him, so moving on has been my focus.

 

I place this in the coping section, since it seems like this is what I'm dealing with here. Coming to this website really helps. I just read the positive testimonies from folks that are moving on and finding life is actually better without their Ex. Looking forward to when I can post something like that, too.

[AnyaNova]

It's so amazingly interesting that you post this today. Earlier, I was having a conversation with someone who provided me with some overdue tough love. She said to me "are you going to go out and live your life, or allow this injury and break up to defeat you???" that alone put so much into perspective. Lately, I've almost classified myself as having a disability and limiting myself from doing a million other things. She helped me understand that there is a difference between being diligent about my condition and allowing myself to heal AND realizing that I have a million options and that this injury shouldn't be the focal point in my life as I have so many things simultaneously occurring.

 

I think she has a good point! Now, my approach that I posted last night was too rash. I can't allow myself to crash so severely that I lose my academic career.

 

But I realized today that other than supplementing, I've basically been working, on the computer, doing errands or in bed/listening to music. I need to start putting in the bank a lot more with some good self care. Massages, reading, television, time for my own music that I want to play, and obviously more cuddling my kitty cat time.

 

And with that, I will add in some more gym besides my workout. Not going to the gym six days a week yet like I'd talked about, but stretching and ab work at home Tue, Thur, Sat and Sun, and a trip to the gym Wednesday, where I know enough of the machines that I think I could put together a workout from the gym equipment.

 

If I put more in the bank, I should have more to take out, right?

 

But I totally agree. It is time to not let our physical issues define us. And to live as vibrantly and fully as possible!

 

Today for the first time I lived a little. I laughed and felt that laughter in my heart. I kept telling myself that I have a choice, and that I will not allow the past to predict my future. The past will remain stagnant as it should, and I will continue to progress and evolve into a better me. Even if this joy lasted only for today, I wish to continue to take advantage of this positive momentum to allow it to last as long as I possibly can. We have options, and I'll speak for myself when I say that I at times feel doomed with no way out when in reality all I need to do is think creatively and outside the box. There is no down time when it comes to healing your heart, and body. I need to continue to propel myself forward and eradicate all thoughts from the past in order to built a better future.

 

This!!! I tend to link too much something that happens now, with the past, and see patterns that aren't really related and forecast the future based on them.

 

If one trips and falls, the other helps in getting you back on your feet and continue the journey. Today was a very calm and decent day to say the least. I was singing in my car to the top of my lungs and for the first time in a while wasn't pretending to be happy.

 

I'm starting to realize that if we allow these issues we deal with (deficiency and fracture) and placed them on a pedestal as we did with out exes, we will only set ourselves up for having this "thing" that will have control over us and dictate our mental state. Yes what we feel is real, and yes it can be very inconvenient at times but truth is that it's not the end of the world and we will come out of this victorious, not today and perhaps not tomorrow but with vigorous perseverance we will. We'll manage to look back and internalize the fact that going through that rough patch was necessary and inevitable. And as they say, joy wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for pain.

 

I love singing in the car at the top of lungs!!!

 

And you are exactly right.

[AnyaNova]

Interesting.

 

Well, in a way the deficiency is definitely established, and definitely still needs treating. But apparently not as much on the B12. So I will find out tomorrow if I need to back off to one shot a week or still two a week with no extra b12 supplementation, though the NP I talked to indicated treatment would most likely be continuing. I was a little high (only a little clearly signifying that I still need treatment, otherwise it would have been sky high!)

 

But this makes me strongly suspect more metabolic issues, that perhaps I have other b vitamin deficiencies or God forbid any MORE electrolyte issues (please God let me never ever ever have to take prescription PhosNaK again,plskthnxbai!!!!) making it so that I can't use a lot of the b12 I'm getting, hence the crashes. And I remember how much better I felt when I was getting that b complex shot at the place that dilutes (you know, when they weren't actually), so there could be something to that.

 

But

 

I'm on the right track. I have a friend coming to visit tomorrow. I have a few days of blessed break from assignments because most of my classes are caught in several days of presentations and I have already done mine for each class! So I can spend a little time relaxing and a little time getting ahead of the game.

 

You know, I had spent so much time wondering why anyone would want me, with the difficulties the deficiency has caused.

 

But then I thought, you know what, I have fought bloody tooth and nail to keep everything together. I have done so much more "pushing through " than I think anybody who hasn't experienced this kind of deficiency can truly understand.

 

And I still have accomplished so much despite that. And the kind of beauty and joy I experience even in walks back to the car after class despite the difficulty.

 

That is pretty awesome.

 

And I won't have to fight this forever. Depending on my absorption, I may need shots forever, but I will catch up and be healthy again.

 

And somebody who deserves me will be able to appreciate not only the fighting spirit I had during it, to keep on pushing through, but also the fact that I was able to experience so much joy and beauty even through the darkness.

 

Hopefully soon, that last point will be thusly demonstrated.

 

(Sorry, can't seem to write a short post to save my life!)

[uku383]

I hate this.

 

This is the worst experience of my life and it is just not getting any easier.

 

I love my wife so much but she doesn't love me any more. In fact, it seems that she's happy without me.

 

I pray that she'll come back, but why should she? I'm an absolute mess.

 

One day at a time.

[AnyaNova]

I hate this.

 

This is the worst experience of my life and it is just not getting any easier.

 

I love my wife so much but she doesn't love me any more. In fact, it seems that she's happy without me.

 

I pray that she'll come back, but why should she? I'm an absolute mess.

 

One day at a time.

 

Why should she??????

 

See. This is what is so wrong with our culture (not you, sweetie, never you!)

 

Why should she? because she promised to be there, in times of big messiness. In times where you're not at your best most fun.

 

Because hse promised until death.

 

And you have a RIGHT to be a mess. She broke your heart, her vows, your marriage, and everything else. I am not saying that you are faultless here. Marriages are made and broken by two people, however it sounds like yo ustill wanted to work on things.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. But please do not castigate yourself for being a mess. Being a mess says that you are a person capable of love. Hurting says that you love/d her and have some healing to do. Hurting says that you're not a socoiopath, but a human being with a heart.

 

None of the above is anything to feel badly about!

[JDPT]

I have a feeling that tonight I'm going to sleep so good, looking forward.

[uku383]

As I prepare to go to sleep I'm feeling more settled than I have for a while.

 

It's been a difficult day (so many are at the moment).

 

I think that I may be starting to feel angry at my wife for leaving me. This is a big change, as I try to look at this from the perspective that she had to do what's right for her (even though I wish that she'd hang in there for me... so that I can prove I can get better).

 

Well, no use musing about things now. Time to get some sleep.

[AnyaNova]

Hah!

 

Finally figured out another piece in the metabolic puzzle. I still need treatment for he b 12, but there was something else as well.

 

And I really really back Ina way I have t been for a couple of weeks.

 

It is exquisitely beautiful here. Where I can see that things I may hope for dont work out, but that is okay, because in that case it wasn't meant to be and better things will.

 

Where I can think.

 

I have a cat on my lap, a cancelled afternoon class, a friend coming to visit, and life is very good, even with struggles!

[JDPT]

Such a passionate and intense night last night. No, not that type of "passionate" but my bed and I were one last night lol. I just didn't want to let her go.

So far so good. I ran a few errands earlier, coordinated another MRI and follow up appointment, and went to the gym to meet the usual cronies at the sauna.

I'm taking advantage of a somewhat positive momentum that I've been indulging for the past few days. Jamming to Sonique-it feels so good (haven't heard that song since I was in HS), your love, it feels so good!

pup by my side, HGTV on, tibias resting. I've been building a "broken bones support group" which is working out beautifully. Life isn't so bad.

 

 

Anya- I did some pec deck flies. The pecs were burning for sure lol.

Edited February 12, 2014 by JDPT

[JDPT]

 

 

This!!! I tend to link too much something that happens now, with the past, and see patterns that aren't really related and forecast the future based on them.

 

 

 

 

I find myself doing this at times. It's as if there is an existing circumstance that can effortlessly be correlated to a past experience pertaining to our exes. I'm working towards living in the now. I want to live for today and no longer allow the past to dictate how I'll feel in the next five minutes. I refuse to allow anything or anyone to ruin my serenity. No, I don't think I'm enclosing myself in a bubble but rather building healthy boundaries that will filter in the good and vigorously reject the bad. I just want to be happy. I'm ready to have my exit interview with the "anger phase". I've had a good run in that department but it's time for us to part ways, it was been a pleasure and a real learning experience but it's time for me to move on to the next phase in my life.