Beachead Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 (edited) @Fieldoflavender Be careful. It is a horrible feeling to wind up realizing you were nothing but a rebound. I fell for my ex and I still struggle with it sometimes over a year and a half later. You mentioned it's been 2 years for you and you still feel the loss of that original breakup. It's only been 2 months for him. Do you think he's dealt with his grief? All you have to do is remember how we all felt after our break ups. It hit us like a bomb. We unknowingly numb out for a few months because we can't accept reality until enough time passes without hearing from them and we realize it's truly over. At THAT point is when we start dealing with reality and actually work through the pain and heal. 2 months into a breakup is nothing. Since he's with you, it's likely he's going to go this process while with you. If you haven't spoken to him about how you feel, I'd do that. - Beach Edited May 16, 2019 by Beachead 1
smellysocksuni Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 Sometimes I wonder with the way things are going on..am I destined for the for the solo life? Ha, are you me? Perhaps we are 1
Beachead Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 (edited) @smellysocksuni We're all feeling it my friend. Most of us on here anyway. That's why this is a good place for us. We are around people who get it. You're not alone. Edited May 17, 2019 by Beachead 1
smellysocksuni Posted May 17, 2019 Posted May 17, 2019 @Beachead Thank God for that. I hope everyone is OK today, please remember to do at least one thing that comforts you or makes you smile. Including you, Beach. Yesterday was a month to the day since I last attempted contact with F, and I felt strangely sad about it. Today it's the eve of my birthday and I've spent a few hours looking for things I can do tomorrow, so far booked myself a ticket to see "Us". I feel a bit better today. I realise that the relationship wouldn't have worked out. F was far too immature, too fleeting, too young, and (sadly) the untreated personality disorder she has and all the issues surrounding her childhood abuse and how it's manifested in her personality now is all just too much for me. Not to generalise and demonise all people who've been through that, but for me and for us? It couldn't work. And it was abusive, too. I'm a gentle simple soul who can't deal with constant emotional provocation and manipulation, really. Lol I've just ranted and gone on. I guess I might be reaching acceptance? Tomorrow I'll probably be on the floor crying about F so let's not speak too soon, LMAO
smellysocksuni Posted May 17, 2019 Posted May 17, 2019 I don't really think relationships are for me. Throughout my life they have never worked. I mean, I'm sure that's the case for many people but... I don't know. They always end in pain, for me. People I've really loved have either never 'chosen' me or they've always left me. I've been in too many unhealthy situations that exacerbate my own insecurities, and then it just turns into a mess. I wish I could find that person who I could just be with, who would want to 'choose' me over others, who wouldn't just drop me because of one argument (F), who wouldn't decide to move out of our shared home without even telling me (the very first ex that bought me to LS), or who wouldn't decide, after going on a party holiday without me, that they suddenly wanted to be single again after two years together. I feel like people have never truly wanted me, as if I was some sort of standby until they really found someone they wanted to be with. I don't really trust people anymore, not romantically, anyway. I've turned into one of those "you have to be better than my solitude' types, lol. Oh well.
MeadowFlower Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 @smellysocksuni, yea, who the heck would choose me. Not only that, but continue to want to be with me and continue to find me interesting.
fieldoflavender Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 I don't get it though. I am not thinking about my most recent ex at all. If anything, it made me miss my ex fiancé more. I guess every situation is different. I just want to be normal =(. I do have to be careful. I think I'm setting myself up for heart break here.
Beachead Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 I don't really think relationships are for me. Throughout my life they have never worked. I mean, I'm sure that's the case for many people but... I don't know. They always end in pain, for me. People I've really loved have either never 'chosen' me or they've always left me. I've been in too many unhealthy situations that exacerbate my own insecurities, and then it just turns into a mess. I wish I could find that person who I could just be with, who would want to 'choose' me over others, who wouldn't just drop me because of one argument (F), who wouldn't decide to move out of our shared home without even telling me (the very first ex that bought me to LS), or who wouldn't decide, after going on a party holiday without me, that they suddenly wanted to be single again after two years together. I feel like people have never truly wanted me, as if I was some sort of standby until they really found someone they wanted to be with. I don't really trust people anymore, not romantically, anyway. I've turned into one of those "you have to be better than my solitude' types, lol. Oh well. And no one can blame you for feeling that way. Anyone would feel that way. I feel that way myself.
Beachead Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 (edited) I don't get it though. I am not thinking about my most recent ex at all. If anything, it made me miss my ex fiancé more. I guess every situation is different. I just want to be normal =(. I do have to be careful. I think I'm setting myself up for heart break here. You loved your ex-fiance. You were actually invested in him. For your heart, that was THE relationship and he was THE guy. When it ended, it crushed you. You distracted yourself by dating again and wound up in a relationship before you really began to grieve it. So now, the grieving is happening in these current relationships you're in, but you can't really make sense of your emotions because it's all been mixed in and complicated by all the added feelings and drama of the new relationships. This is largely why I believe you've been feeling off for a long time and why you can't feel anything for these new guys. Edited May 18, 2019 by Beachead
MeadowFlower Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 If you never meet new people, you will never experience them drift away because they lost interest in you or because they downright don't like you, you will never experience them begin to get to know you and then be like 'uh, no it's okay I don't want to get to know you further'. You will never be the one who has more interest in them than they you.
smellysocksuni Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 If you never meet new people, you will never experience them drift away because they lost interest in you or because they downright don't like you, you will never experience them begin to get to know you and then be like 'uh, no it's okay I don't want to get to know you further'. You will never be the one who has more interest in them than they you. Exactly. Can't be bothered to open myself up to more disappointment and pain lol
MeadowFlower Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 Happy birthday @smellysocksuni, not sure exactly when it is.
smellysocksuni Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 Happy birthday @smellysocksuni, not sure exactly when it is. It's today. Thank you, Meadow x 1
Beachead Posted May 19, 2019 Posted May 19, 2019 @smellysocksuni Happy Birthday man. Hope you're having an okay night.
mark clemson Posted May 19, 2019 Posted May 19, 2019 Something to remember - you, as a person, are always slowly changing. Just like you today isn't the same person as you were 5 and 10 years ago, so you will not be fully the same in 5 and definitely in 10 years from now. So, I think one shouldn't assume that the challenges and your ability to deal with them will stay the same. I've been hurt deeply emotionally during romantic breakups. It was much worse in my late teens and early 20s. It happened again recently but the "me" that I am now was able to cope with it much better. So, my point is to not assume you'll never be able to bear the emotional stresses. You may feel this way now, and it may be true now. But that doesn't mean it will necessarily be true in 10 years.
smellysocksuni Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 @smellysocksuni Happy Birthday man. Hope you're having an okay night. Thanks Beach, it was a nice chilled night
smellysocksuni Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Is the answer to this to start dating? I have absolutely zero interest in dating anyone. Not because of my ex, but just because I don't enjoy it. I don't want to do it in general. But is that the answer - to take my brain off this person? Because I am running out of ideas. This person is as present in my mind as ever, as if we only broke up yesterday. Dating can't be the answer. I went on one of those dating apps a few weeks ago, and I was bored out of my skull. So what is the answer? Wow, this is so frustrating.
Beachead Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 (edited) @smellysocksuni Your ex is going to be with you in your mind for a long time. It'll be that way until the day it's not. That's our burden to bear. It will take a LOT of time to dilute the effect she has on you. To answer your question, do not date right now. It's a mistake. Your spirit is battered from all the disappointments. You'd be going back into your dates with low confidence, anger, sadness. Just an all around poor attitude. Tone it back, spend some time on your own. Go to the gym. Travel. Watch a movie on your own. Learn to get cozy with yourself. Secondly, we're human and we're social. Even introverted people. We need people to talk to in real life. There is a way you can still meet people without getting too invested in them. Pick an activity that might interest you and at the same time, is a social one and one that encourages teamwork. There are activities out there that fits the description. By common interests and being forced to work together, you'll end up having something to talk about with people without having to get to know too deeply. It'll get you talking, conversing, interacting. Good for the brain. Keeps it stimulated. These people may even become friends. The more people you meet, the better it is..but stay away from finding partners. The goal here is to heal what's going on in the inside. You'll need time, solitude and the company of good interactions to get it done. Go from there - Beach Edited May 20, 2019 by Beachead
MeadowFlower Posted May 21, 2019 Posted May 21, 2019 He isn't a friend. He was a temporary friend. I should get over the parts I had to play, and any regret about anything and any regret about the whole thing.
Cora Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 Think I’m finally learning to accept the reality that I will forever be alone in this life. Time to give up on all my hopes and dreams of finding love...someone to grow old with....having children.....grandchildren. Just not in the cards for me. Never was....
MeadowFlower Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 (edited) I wasn't open and honest with him. --- @Cora, some people do get married later on in life. --- Even if I don't meet to some one's standards, nor meet with their approval, I should still love myself. Edited May 22, 2019 by MeadowFlower
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