MeadowFlower Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 What's the point of starting something with someone if it isn't going to last.
Beachead Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 (edited) I'm fed up of people telling me to "move on". Everytime I hear those two words I want to scream. Seems like a phrase people came up with that doesn't have any real meaning. I'm trying to "move on", I know I should "move on". People don't tell you how to do it though, do they? Just bark that phrase at you as if you're choosing to be in the situation or choosing to feel the way you do Yea don't take their advice seriously. 10 times out of 10, the people who say things like this go through the same emotional process as you if they were in it themselves. Keep in mind, most people don't know what's going on within themselves because they're too caught up in their own life. Most likely, they haven't taken a long hard look at who they are and what drives them and because they don't have a good idea about who they are, they aren't aware of their demons...and because they aren't aware of it, they end up getting pulled around by it. It bleeds into their actions, their words, their choices, their advice. So when they tell you to just "Move on" like your experiences are nothing when it is SOMETHING...think about how insensitive and inaccurate they are. You shared experiences with this person. Conversations. Memories. You're the one mourning a person you cared for. A person who is still alive and thriving elsewhere with someone new. Everything you two shared, reduced to zero. Somehow, you have to get passed that fact and also that you chose to let them into your life thinking they were the right one and now because of that choice, here you are. You're trying to forgive yourself and at the same time you're trying to let them go and you're trying to relearn how to open up to others. Is this easy? No. This is deep rooted damage we're talking about. Your healing does not work on someone elses clock. It works on yours. So screw them and their bs advice. It takes time, internal work and a lot of post-breakup life experience to dilute the poison and mend the pain. You're not going to be able to switch it off just like that. You're going to have to make peace with living for you and you're going to have live with this pain, work through it and carry on forward until one day it's subsides...and it will. Simple as that. - Beach Edited May 5, 2019 by Beachead
smellysocksuni Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 You didn't sound rude or ungrateful at all. It is a very empty statement and there is no empathy behind it. You're only human. Unfortunately there is no quick fix. You have to feel the pain, embrace it, accept it, and eventually move forward hopefully leaving that pain behind you. That's my experience. You've hit the nail on the head; it is very empty and very reductive. Not sure why that phrase of piece of advice has become so popular and widely used. It can also make someone feel guilty for feeling - how many times do you see people saying "I feel stupid, I should have moved on by now" - I think that type of advice is to blame. There shouldn't be a time limit on pain/healing. You're right in that it should be felt to its full extent and used for growth and change. I get why a lot of people avoid doing this, it's horrible and scary and it hurts. But it's essential, really. I had a very painful experience and it took a long time but time passed and the attachment became lessened over that time and I thought about it less before I stopped thinking about it at all. I don't have any real advice to help you move on but move on is more of a term you should use when you have moved on. I'm glad you were able to heal and I'm sorry you went through a painful experience. It's OK, I'm just glad there's someone out there who understands what I'm saying, lol.
Beachead Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 (edited) Had a set back today, My ex's husband ended up posting a message in an old FB group thread that I was a part of but had forgotten all about. A thread that had remained inactive for a year. I had blocked both him and her and thought that was the end of it but FB r ..but it wasn't the message that upset me so much as it was his profile picture. A picture of him and her together. Happy. Snuggling. I didn't click on it but it was big enough to show her face...and it f*cking hurt. It's funny how life is because I had just realized a few days ago that I hadn't thought her in a few weeks for the first time in my life..and I was happy about it because it meant I was finally beginning to move on and I was doing it without jumping into a new relationship. A huge development for me. Then this happened to send me back to that pain. I already know the pain won't last but it will take a few weeks to move passed it. Healing's slow. You do it on your own timeline..not anyone elses. - Beach Edited May 5, 2019 by Beachead 1
smellysocksuni Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 I decided to treat myself to a brand new pair of headphones today. I don't need them, but I thought... why not treat myself to something that I'll enjoy using? A present to myself, as it were.
smellysocksuni Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 Yea don't take their advice seriously. 10 times out of 10, the people who say things like this go through the same emotional process as you if they were in it themselves. Keep in mind, most people don't know what's going on within themselves because they're too caught up in their own life. Most likely, they haven't taken a long hard look at who they are and what drives them and because they don't have a good idea about who they are, they aren't aware of their demons...and because they aren't aware of it, they end up getting pulled around by it. It bleeds into their actions, their words, their choices, their advice. So when they tell you to just "Move on" like your experiences are nothing when it is SOMETHING...think about how insensitive and inaccurate they are. I get that perhaps people aren't equipped to say the right things at times. I find that people project a lot, too. I've been told countless times to find someone else, or to begin dating - so, really, add more emotions to the ones I'm already feeling? Use someone to help me forget about someone else? And where would I suddenly meet this person? And what about the healing and processing I should really be doing, so that I can enter a new relationship with the best possible mindset? That is another piece of advice that seems reductive and unhealthy. It might work for some people, but not everyone.
Beachead Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 I get that perhaps people aren't equipped to say the right things at times. I find that people project a lot, too. I've been told countless times to find someone else, or to begin dating - so, really, add more emotions to the ones I'm already feeling? Use someone to help me forget about someone else? And where would I suddenly meet this person? And what about the healing and processing I should really be doing, so that I can enter a new relationship with the best possible mindset? That is another piece of advice that seems reductive and unhealthy. It might work for some people, but not everyone. I don't agree with that advice you've been receiving either. The solution of jumping into another relationship to get over the baggage of an old one too soon has proven time and time again to be destructive..not just for the person themselves but for the person they end up having having a relationship with. Many of us on here who've been heartbroken have been on the receiving end of people who chose to do such things and many of us struggle for a long time to get over it. From the way you speak, I can tell you seem like you've had time to see things clearly but because your last memory of meaningful connection was with someone whom burned you, you associate that pain with it and now you are at an impass in your healing. If you stayed closed, she will dictate your life still. Stay single..but, put yourself into situations where you can meet new people just for the purpose of getting to know them as a friend or acquaintance. A classmate. A friend at the gym. Someone at the airport. A bartender. A random person on the street etc. It makes a difference. No need to make that connection deep. Just talk and let th conversations stimualte your mins. Because the goal isn't to find a partner, it is to rediscover that there are good, genuine people out there whom you can get along with and connect with beyond your ex. It will reduce her to nothing over time. You may or may not want to meet new people for this reason either but from my experience, you should. It made a difference in my own healing process. - Beach
nolanola Posted May 7, 2019 Posted May 7, 2019 I get that perhaps people aren't equipped to say the right things at times. I find that people project a lot, too. I've been told countless times to find someone else, or to begin dating - so, really, add more emotions to the ones I'm already feeling? Use someone to help me forget about someone else? And where would I suddenly meet this person? And what about the healing and processing I should really be doing, so that I can enter a new relationship with the best possible mindset? That is another piece of advice that seems reductive and unhealthy. It might work for some people, but not everyone. Beachead has some great advice, but can I add my two cents here? I'm at my worst when I don't have stuff to do. If I have downtime, that means I have time to sit and think and then to start replaying things. That leads to analyzing, which usually leads to me feeling terrible. Sometimes it leads me to want to go out and start snooping on Facebook or something. So for me, something that was super helpful was to just try to keep myself as occupied as I could. I joined a few new things and that helped. It got me out of the house and I was forced to talk to people. I did it even when I didn't want to. I can't sit here and say that it made me totally forget my ex, but it at least kept me from being able to sit there and obsess over him. As for dating, don't buy into someone else's timeline. There is no shame in being single and taking the time you need to heal. It took me four years after my last relationship before I met my ex and wanted to date again. So, if it's only been a few months, that's nothing!! I think it's far more important that you feel comfortable with what you're doing instead of just rushing to fill a hole. If someone tells you that you need to date, that might be fine for them, but it might be inauthentic for you. And that's fine. You're the one that has to sit across from someone on a date and make conversation. And if your heart isn't in it, then it isn't in it and you should wait until it feels like it is. 1
MeadowFlower Posted May 7, 2019 Posted May 7, 2019 When someone dumps you and leaves you it just goes to show how little they value you, if at all. 1
fieldoflavender Posted May 8, 2019 Posted May 8, 2019 I am doing all the - do it for me ...but it feels mundane. But better to do that than be with someone and have the prospect of a nasty financially/emotionally vulnerable break-up. So I guess mundane it is? I am so bored lately. When I am bored, I think about the past. I wonder if he cares about what I am doing with my life. But honestly does it matter? Honestly everyone moving on is key. It's human nature to feel jealous/resentful/hurt when people who hurt you are doing well and don't care about you - but we kind of already know that. So try to avoid it. I mean if I see my ex with a wife and 2 children by now, so be it. He's allowed to move on, it's my fault if I can't. I want to - but being single is lonely and not sooooo amazing. But still better than being with someone bad.
smellysocksuni Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 I suppose I am missing having her company, even despite knowing she is a terrible partner and - well I don't like to say people are horrible, but she is difficult. Her personality and the way she manages relationships + friendships is just too avoidant and she can't seem to maintain anything for any length of time. It feels weird wanting someone and not wanting them at the same time.
MeadowFlower Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 They can drop you quite happily from their life. (Though they may feel bad for hurting you.)
fieldoflavender Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 I hate how I'm just so terrorized and scared to start a new relationship. Maybe there is something new but I"m too scared to start it. Words seem so meaningless to me now. When someone thinks I'm special, I just feel like they're going to lie to me. I am trying hard, but I think I have major trust issues. I think the thought of being hurt that badly will really suck. Really suck. I am in territory that I'm not familiar with and it scares me. I'm self-sabotaging and I know it doesn't make sense.
MeadowFlower Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 Words seem so meaningless to me now. When someone thinks I'm special, I just feel like they're going to lie to me. Don't take it to heart when they say things like that, or any words of endearment. Not for awhile. Let them prove their affection by their actions and with time. 2
fieldoflavender Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 Yeah I used to be romantic but now I almost feel like running when someone tells me they think I am the one and stuff. I think when someone is so cruel to you after they've told you they would protect you forever and they will love you forever, and they go out of there to ultimately hurt you - kind of really really makes you suspicious in the future when other people say **** like that.
Beachead Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 (edited) @fieldoflavender, Meadow and anyone else who wishes to read I don't think any of us should have been a hopeless romantic in the first place. I think that's where myself and many of us went wrong. Perhaps, this was something that worked 1-2 generations ago but now, the risk bears too high a cost, which can leave us crippled for years. We know this because we've been on the end where it doesn't work out. So, it's madness to keep approaching something the same way when it hasn't worked in the past. We have to change our way of thinking. There's some great people out there out in the world to meet but there are also people who who can make us feel like this. Going forward, we have to be respectful and aware that both kinds exist. Furthermore, even if our breakups were more along the lines of amicable, that doesn't mean the circumstances of that breakup didn't break our heart. It still hurts. Relationships are risky. You're putting your heart in the hands of someone else and although you are ultimately in charge of where your life goes, they now have a stake in your well-being. If it works out, it's bliss. If it doesn't, it damages and takes years out of a life to recover from. We need to respect that risk as well. Taking that all into account, perhaps it's more realistic for us to approach the idea of a relationship with someone new in a more cautious manner. Take the pace slowly. We know what heartbreak feels like. We are completely justified to take it slow given what we've been put through in the past. The right person will respect that past, respect the pace, and ride it out with us because they themselves are aware of what heartbreak feels like. The wrong person will rush us. Will disregard our past. Disrespect us and let their expectations pressure us. Bonds take time to build. People have to go through rough storms together and get through it together. It isn't always going to be pretty. This is how trust, respect, loyalty build over time. That's how our minds work. The problem is in this day and age, people want all of that immediately without working for it. Yes, at the start, a certain level of respect and trust is alotted since without it, you can't start anything..but anything more has to be earned. - Beach Edited May 14, 2019 by Beachead 1
Beachead Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 (edited) Sometimes I wonder with the way things are going on..am I destined for the for the solo life? Edited May 16, 2019 by Beachead
MeadowFlower Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 Sometimes I wonder with the way things are going on..am I destined for the for the solo life? Let's do a bet on who gets paired first
fieldoflavender Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 I'm moving way too fast with a new guy. I'm very scared I am a rebound girl and when he wakes up, I'll get slapped with hurt all over again. I don't even know what I'm doing. I think deep down, there's this aching loneliness from my last serious break-up that has left me crippled for the past 2 years. I'm trying to listen to beach and you guys but I don't know - I always got suckered into these situations and then I have no one to blame but myself. Guys wait for the next episode when I will come crying here from yet another break-up. Sigh. The tricky thing is that this guy has almost everything I want going for a person and that's what is giving me tons of fear. The potential for hurt is too great.
MeadowFlower Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 I'm moving way too fast with a new guy. I'm very scared I am a rebound girl and when he wakes up, I'll get slapped with hurt all over again. How long has he been out of his last relationship?
fieldoflavender Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 Two months. But I guess can at least subtract 2 weeks for that. I mean look at us - could we in a healthy way go to someone new? Yes sadly I am probably the rebound. Gr. It just seems SO insulting to be a rebound.
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