How are you coping today?

[Beachead]

@Cora

 

You speak how I feel. Word for word. And it makes perfect sense to me.

 

I'm comfy in my shell. With each heartbreak, I lost a part of myself as well. Yes I accumulated experience and became better in many ways but I also started to close off. Being burned over and over again after putting in so much energy..it does get very exhausting. So when you say prefer mostly solitude..it makes sense. Why wouldn't you? We can talk about grief and recovery and the merits of learning from the experiences as much as we want but at the end of the day, you suffered tremendously. Nobody wants to go through that over and over again.

 

I hope you find some solace in knowing atleast there's someone else who feels the same way.

 

- Beach

[minimariah2]

i'm struggling tonight.

 

for some reason, tonight i remembered all my wrong decisions and all the people i've hurt. i feel like i lost the right to ever critique anyone else or their actions because i feel like a hypocrite when i do. so for that reason, i don't react when i'm attacked or hurt. i almost feel like i deserved it.

 

so yes, i'm struggling tonight. leaving it here almost... relieves me.

 

sometimes, i really wish i'd have no conscience. no moral compass, no inner voice that keeps me up at night & thinking about my wrongdoings.

 

so i envy everyone who has no regrets & sleeps peacefully.

[MeadowFlower]

@Cora and @Beachead, you could come join the nunnery whilst we wait.

[MeadowFlower]

At least if I don't get entangled in the slightest form with someone, I am free.

[Beachead]

i'm struggling tonight.

 

for some reason, tonight i remembered all my wrong decisions and all the people i've hurt. i feel like i lost the right to ever critique anyone else or their actions because i feel like a hypocrite when i do. so for that reason, i don't react when i'm attacked or hurt. i almost feel like i deserved it.

 

so yes, i'm struggling tonight. leaving it here almost... relieves me.

 

sometimes, i really wish i'd have no conscience. no moral compass, no inner voice that keeps me up at night & thinking about my wrongdoings.

 

so i envy everyone who has no regrets & sleeps peacefully.

 

The power of being honest with one-self and not being judged for it.

 

I'll let you in on a little secret. You're human. As long as you feel you are doing the best you can to improve in ways you feel will make you better than who you were yesterday, you're doing enough..and sometimes you are going to fall short, make mistakes, and fail. It's okay. The ones who love you will forgive you because they'll feel loved by you as well. We're a work-in progress everyday until we die. I bet you've helped a lot of people in your life without your knowing just by being you.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited April 15, 2019 by Beachead

[fieldoflavender]

I don’t know how to happy alone. I know it’s important but I feel without purpose and I don’t know why ...and how.

[Borntoelevate]

It has been over a year for me and I am still feeling like ****. Everyone is sick of my complaining. I feel alone. Even the girl I am currently seeing is “sick of hearing about that bitch”. Why am I not getting better? I feel like I am trying everything to get better. I regret so much of what I did to her. The break up keeps replaying in my head. I am obsessed about it and I don’t see this obsession stopping. Could someone help me?

[MeadowFlower]

Don't let anyone make you feel like you aren't good enough or capable enough.

[MeadowFlower]

Males suck.

[Foxhall]

we are not all bad honestly!!

[smellysocksuni]

I feel like my emotions towards this person fluctuate within hours, minutes sometimes. One moment I'll be feeling really strong, as if I don't care about her. The next, I'm consumed with sadness and crying and wondering what I'm going to do without her. It's annoying, I'd rather just have the consistent "I don't care" emotion.

 

I miss her sometimes. She could be so sweet and funny and just fun to be around. But a lot of the time she was really critical and insulting. It was as if that was just her language, to be continuously rude and sarcastic. I never knew if she was joking or what, half of the time. But it did start to grate on me, and it was causing me pain - I never wanted to say anything because she would always accuse me of being too sensitive. I learned, I guess, just to put up with it.

 

I cry because I miss the "her" of the beginning. But I know enough now about abuse to know that it's just a way of hooking you in. It's never real. And that I think is what upsets me the most, is that she doesn't exist.

 

I don't know. Right now I'm just trying to get through each day. Keeping an eye on how I feel, and hoping that things die down soon.

[smellysocksuni]

Last night I opened a photo storage app that I'd been using a while ago, and it was full of pictures and videos and voice notes of her. So I laid there and looked at them all, and listened to them all, which only went and triggered me. There was one voice note saved that was a recording of us together, just talking and messing around, making each other laugh. I had forgotten what her voice was like, and I felt all the positive emotions again, and remembered exactly what she'd been wearing, etc. It was like I was back in that moment again. I really miss her. I feel like no one understands how I feel, and I feel incredibly frustrated. "Move on!" is the cry - I don't want to hear it. I don't want to be in this position. You know, just for once, I wanted someone to care about me enough to stick around.

 

I find myself getting bitter towards those people in LTRs for years and years, I couldn't get past a year with this person. This person is really I think the first person that I've ever felt a genuine attraction and genuine feelings towards, and I've always loved her. I feel like my life is a sick joke, filled with pain and disappointment again and again. Looking through my past posts, these are my last three relationships and each time the person has left me. I must just not be good enough or I am choosing terrible people, but either way I'm tired, I'm hurt. I just wanted for once someone to choose me.

 

I can't even tell her how I feel because I did that and she didn't answer. Can't do it again. That would just be stupid. I'm not going to do that.

 

And what the hell am I supposed to do when I have to see her three times a week for six months at uni? And then when uni is finished I'm probably never going to see her again - so that's something to look forward to, isn't it (sarcasm) - I hate to sound entitled or selfish and I'm really just speaking to a higher power or the universe or whoever - Why couldn't I just finally have someone, this person? What purpose is it serving to give me this pain? Another loss? How many am I supposed to go through? Why me? Why do other low effort people get what they want, with babies and long term relationships? Am I that unlovable? What the hell is this all supposed to be about. I'm sick of it.

[smellysocksuni]

Lol, I thought I'd started to feel better. Nope. This wave of sadness has been with me for two days now - fun!

[mark clemson]

@SSU -

 

Hi again. This is all just my personal opinion, but it sounds like you have ongoing/residual limerence for her. This unfortunately can last a while.

 

I think you've done the right thing by deciding to not have this person in your life - it will just cause more problems to continue being attached.

 

Unfortunately seeing her will retrigger it. It sounds very much like opening up the old pics/sounds retriggered the feelings. And unfortunately seeing her 3 days/week may do that too.

 

Mixing it up socially and hanging out with friends may help a bit, even if you're feeling down - hang out with them anyhow. I wouldn't normally suggest this, but in your specific case, consider a rebound relationship with a safe, emotionally well adjusted person. This might help a bit with the limerence. Also continue with counseling if it's available.

 

Unfortunately limerence can't normally be shut off - it must be waited out. The difficulty in your case is that you can't be fully away from her to prevent retriggering, which is a problem.

[smellysocksuni]

Hey again, Mark.

 

Yes, I'd been making progress with viewing her in a negative/unhealthy light - once I'd seen those photographs and videos it all just came back. It isn't going to help that I will be in the environment where we met/spent time together, either. I am so, so worried about it. The only thing I keep reminding myself about is that it is five months away, and by then I may be a lot more detached from her.

 

I would love to hang out with friends, but I don't have any! That also makes things a bit difficult. As for the rebound... I'm hesitant to do so, because this situation has really hurt me and awakened a lot of problems that I didn't know I had, like the codependency, etc. I'm wary of getting involved with someone again as I don't want to get hurt again. I've been hurt in the last three relationships I've had, and it's been draining. While I'm sure a rebound would help, I'm not sure I would be operating from a healthy or safe place.

 

Also, who would it be, if I were to date anyone? To find someone quickly would involve probably meeting someone on an app or online, and I'm not really in the right state of mind to be watching out for red flags, or choosing people who are suitable.

 

I've always said that my feelings for this person can only really be given the chance to die once university is finished. I think that's true, unfortunately. The only thing I was going to do was work on myself over the summer, and really try to detach as much as I can from her.

Edited April 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[mark clemson]

@SSU -

 

Fair enough - these were just suggestions, and you will know what you are/aren't comfortable with. I think it's good that you have a plan going forward.

 

I haven't used them, but I believe there are friendship apps, similar to dating apps, that one can try. I'd be somewhat cautious since you don't know the characteristics of the person(s) you'd meet. But that's something to consider in that arena.

[smellysocksuni]

@SSU -

 

Fair enough - these were just suggestions, and you will know what you are/aren't comfortable with. I think it's good that you have a plan going forward.

 

I haven't used them, but I believe there are friendship apps, similar to dating apps, that one can try. I'd be somewhat cautious since you don't know the characteristics of the person(s) you'd meet. But that's something to consider in that arena.

 

I do appreciate the suggestions and I'm sure they'd work for a number of people. It's just that my relationships are becoming worse - each partner only seems more abusive than the last, so before I engage with anyone else on that level I really need to address and unpack things.

 

I might see if those apps are any good. I have wanted to chat to people, just not on a romantic level.

[smellysocksuni]

Hmm. Actually, I think that the majority of my thinking of her now is mostly negative. I think apart from seeing those pictures which was triggering, I'm able for the most part to see that she was quite unhealthy for me. In the early stages of the break up I was hoping she'd come back (as she did before) but now I don't really have that. I'm aware it's over, and I don't think I'd trust her enough to become involved again.

 

Also, there is something about her having (possibly) been with someone else - I find that a bit of a turn off, and the way she impulsively flits around from person to person is not something I want to be part of. I do think about her often, and I don't know why that is, but I find that I'm not really longing for her anymore. The more I understand about BPD, the more I see that this is HER, her behaviour will never change, and the pain it caused me was way too great for me to ever want to be with her again.

 

I think what my main worries are are just the anxiety it causes me to see her, to see her avoiding me, to be in that uni environment, etc. I have no idea why it causes me anxiety, but it does. I don't think I want to be with her. I definitely don't feel the same as I did a few weeks ago. Sometimes I do, but it's definitely dying down.

[mark clemson]

That's probably good. It's a gradual process and the feelings all too often take longer to fade than we'd like. But eventually they do.

 

Hastas...

[MeadowFlower]

Pointless and annoying.

[smellysocksuni]

I'm fed up of people telling me to "move on". Everytime I hear those two words I want to scream. Seems like a phrase people came up with that doesn't have any real meaning. I'm trying to "move on", I know I should "move on".

 

People don't tell you how to do it though, do they? Just bark that phrase at you as if you're choosing to be in the situation or choosing to feel the way you do

[Realitysux]

I'm fed up of people telling me to "move on". Everytime I hear those two words I want to scream. Seems like a phrase people came up with that doesn't have any real meaning. I'm trying to "move on", I know I should "move on".

 

People don't tell you how to do it though, do they? Just bark that phrase at you as if you're choosing to be in the situation or choosing to feel the way you do

 

I remember this one person said "move on" to me and at the time, I thought it was a terrible statement and I felt the same way. My situation and circumstances were different. I never thought I'd be able to move on but I did and you do. You really do get past this. I don't even remember what it was like not to be over this person but I know there was a time when I was infatuated with him. Time has done wonders and all I can tell you is the more you dedicate to your own life, the harder you work at your own life, and fill your own cup, it is not only empowering but it's how you move on.

[smellysocksuni]

I remember this one person said "move on" to me and at the time, I thought it was a terrible statement and I felt the same way. My situation and circumstances were different. I never thought I'd be able to move on but I did and you do. You really do get past this. I don't even remember what it was like not to be over this person but I know there was a time when I was infatuated with him. Time has done wonders and all I can tell you is the more you dedicate to your own life, the harder you work at your own life, and fill your own cup, it is not only empowering but it's how you move on.

 

Hey. I hope my post didn't come across rude or ungrateful, I think I am probably just as frustrated with that phrase as I am with my situation. I know that those who say it mean well, it just feels like such an empty statement at times.

 

Since I made this post I have looked into a few things and decided to start reading some empowering books such as "The Power of Now" and maybe get into Buddhism/Zen practices. They seem like they would help me see outside of my current situation and come to terms with it.

[MeadowFlower]

I'm fed up of people telling me to "move on". Everytime I hear those two words I want to scream. Seems like a phrase people came up with that doesn't have any real meaning. I'm trying to "move on", I know I should "move on".

 

People don't tell you how to do it though, do they? Just bark that phrase at you as if you're choosing to be in the situation or choosing to feel the way you do

 

Maybe it's coming from people who don't realise the intensity of your feelings.

[Realitysux]

Hey. I hope my post didn't come across rude or ungrateful, I think I am probably just as frustrated with that phrase as I am with my situation. I know that those who say it mean well, it just feels like such an empty statement at times.

 

Since I made this post I have looked into a few things and decided to start reading some empowering books such as "The Power of Now" and maybe get into Buddhism/Zen practices. They seem like they would help me see outside of my current situation and come to terms with it.

 

You didn't sound rude or ungrateful at all. It is a very empty statement and there is no empathy behind it. You're only human. Unfortunately there is no quick fix. You have to feel the pain, embrace it, accept it, and eventually move forward hopefully leaving that pain behind you. That's my experience.

 

I had a very painful experience and it took a long time but time passed and the attachment became lessened over that time and I thought about it less before I stopped thinking about it at all. I don't have any real advice to help you move on but move on is more of a term you should use when you have moved on.