How are you coping today?

[Beachead]

@Meadowflower

 

Thanks Meadow. Glad to see you enjoyed the read.

[Beachead]

You seem to understand so perfectly. Of course, all of us here, though our stories may not be exactly the same, we are all left with one common denominator....a broken heart. I think the part that eats away at me the most right now is the embarrasment. How I must of looked like such a fool to him. If I could go back in time I’d do so much differently. I would have opened my eyes more to all the signs I missed. And I wouldn’t have allowed myself to be used like that. I wouldn’t have made excuses for him. I would have ended it long before he just disappeared. But hindsight is 20/20. As silly as it may sound I sometimes have these scenarios play in my head where he’s telling his current girlfriend about how naive and gullible I was to actually think that he loved or even cared about me and then them both having a big laugh about it. And then I think to myself that that’s crazy because I most likely didn’t mean anything to him to be worth talking and laughing over.

 

Funny how our minds work huh? April 2015 was the last time I saw him. I remember it just like it was yesterday. He was at my place, we had our usual dinner, watched a movie, played a game of scrabble then went to bed. The next morning he kissed me on the forehead, said goodbye and told me “I’ll see you later.” And just like that he disappeared. Never seen or heard from him again. When he left my place that morning he probably went straight to see her. It’s gotten easier over the years. I no longer think about him all the time or cry over him. I just wonder when the time will come when he will no longer cross my mind at all. I look forward to that day.

 

It's that embarrassment that really eats at me as well. I can certainly understand why it has taken awhile for you from just the way it ended. He just moved from one person to another and now he's off living his life with that person while you're there still trying to put together the pieces he broke. The worst part is, you didn't see it coming. You loved him, so you always excused him and found another way. Quit wasn't a part of your vocabulary. How could you not wonder if the next person would do something of similar sort to you.

 

It's left scars and the pain will be there so the way I deal with it is to keep my mind on the future. Establish who you are and what your boundaries are in writing, for yourself while you're still single and thinking clearly. What you want in a partner. What you don't want. Red flags, Deal Breakers etc. Knowing yourself and what you want in life will make that journal much more accurate so get to know yourself. When the day comes you meet someone new and something sparks, you already have a clear idea of your limits. Let them know your terms right off the bat and keep that communication open. Even if what you have to say starts a fight, it doesn't matter. Keep it real. Manners and being polite is good but when something needs to be said, it needs to be said. This way, that person knows what you are about and this way if they so much as push those boundaries even a little, you know to take it seriously and won't attribute to them not knowing what they did. You could be with anyone else, you chose them. If they are reckless with that love, they disrespect the amount of effort it took to give it, which means they they are undeserving of it.

 

To have a fulfilling relationship, we do need to open up and let people in but at the same time, trust has to be earned over time, built through time and experiences together. Second chances should only be awarded on a case by case basis because our hearts are fragile things and there are a lot of ridiculous people out there as we've learned.

 

- Beach

Edited March 1, 2019 by Beachead

[fieldoflavender]

I'm talking to someone new online. Will it be like one of those other ones or will it be something nice? I don't know.

 

They asked me "you seem nice, why are you still single"....I get asked that a lot and I don't know. Am I "Broken" from what has happened? I don't know. But maybe I won't have to answer that question one day? One can hope lol.

[MeadowFlower]

I'm officially grumbling. I don't get shown many certain guys in my town on Tinder. It's lame. How the heck am I supposed to find someone in my own town, via Tinder. No one say, "go meet someone in real life". Should I move temporarily........

[fieldoflavender]

Sigh I'm in a city with lots of people - but I have my search criteria, which makes it hard too. There is also some other better ones than tinder, but I think if you're young and single and your career can afford the move, doesn't hurt to broaden your chances. My chances definitely hurt in my 20's when I was living in a more deserted city. But don't sacrifice career for it of course.

[MeadowFlower]

Sigh I'm in a city with lots of people - but I have my search criteria, which makes it hard too. There is also some other better ones than tinder, but I think if you're young and single and your career can afford the move, doesn't hurt to broaden your chances. My chances definitely hurt in my 20's when I was living in a more deserted city. But don't sacrifice career for it of course.

 

What is your search criteria?

Well I'm in my early 30s, would you classify that as young? Yea I don't know about my job, I wouldn't want to move city permanently, my job may not allow me to have x amount of months away and then return to it. I passed it by my boss once and she indicated no. But it could be different now.

[fieldoflavender]

People of similar professions. Yes early 30's is young =) But yes it depends on multiple factors. I got stuck in a city without much dating potential for years.

[Lenmi]

How come you can feel someone is so right for you but they feel differently about you? Does it mean you are not good enough? How come when you are together everything is so good, and when you are apart it all collapse? I don't understand relationships, I don't understand other people.

 

Next week it will be five months, five freaking months since he decided that this wasn't something he wanted right now, that he couldn't be with me. Then he didn't know because he still had feelings.. but he couldn't stand the distance.. and now it's been one and a half months since I decided to stop talking to him and really try to move on. I realised I was waiting for nothing, even without the distance, it was going to fail. Not because we are not compatible, but because our lives don't match. Knowing this, I still seem not able to stop thinking of him, every hour of the day. There is no peace in my head. I keep feeling this is a mistake, not right, not how it's supposed to be. I have this feeling I have had since the first night we met... and I can't get rid of it. It's like I just know that I'm supposed to be with him but I have fought this from start, because I know he doesn't feel the same. He is realistic and I'm a dreamer. It doesn't mean I don't know it's a naive feeling, that this isn't a movie and real life doesn't work like that. I'm fascinated by it because I never felt this way before, and I'm terrified that this means I'm never going to stop thinking of him. I miss him so much. It's crazy because I only dated him for a few months, though I have known him for almost a year back and forth.. and from start it was all just so unsure. So why am I even so hung up on him still? Why can't I just move on? Why am I still hoping even though I KNOW it can't work between us? It's just the ****test timing. In a way it felt forced from start, like everything, us meeting, me finding him again... but when we were together, it just felt natural and wonderful. Ever since the first time I met him I couldn't stop thinking of him. I want him so badly. I keep dreaming of him and I fantasise of us reunited. I hate my damn luck, I hate that he is so far away and there is a distance and a million other things that keeps us from being together, and I hate that in just a few months, I will live a walk away from him. I will be so close and it will be too late by then. It won't even matter. It's like the universe is just laughing at me. And anyway, how could I forgive him for hurting me, for walking away, for making this school year so incredibly hard, for affecting my studies in a bad way, for making me feel so damn lonely in a new city. I'm not a particularly social person, and I was so damn depressed and distant I couldn't connect with anyone and now I have no one here. It was supposed to be a great year at a new university and it's been so hard and required all my strenght for me not to fall apart and give up. So many times I wanted to walk away. I'm so pissed at him and I want nothing more than to be held by him. I hate that I can't just move on, I hate these damn feelings......

[MeadowFlower]

Turn your back on your ex. Annihilate them from your being. Remove them from your esteem. Give them nothing of yourself.

[MeadowFlower]

When you meet a new guy (or a new girl if you are a guy), we should just be like, "So, which contract do you want to sign up for? I have a three day, one month, six months or one year contracts avaliable. Take your pick."

[MeadowFlower]

I have sinned.. I clicked on a comment on a past post on my FB, my ex had made it, (even though I've blocked him, it still showed). I saw he had a change of profile photo and I managed to zoom a bit in by taking screenshots. I thought originally that it was him and his new girl. But it wasn't, just his daughter. I think. He might've looked happy. Happy without me.

Anyway, little bit of therapy anyone....?

 

Ugh.

[BadReligion]

6 years later and I still love her despite at best her indifference towards me.. People say it's because she's the mother of my twins, but it's really not... It's her.. Which is why before we got back together after one of our many breakups.. I completely blocked her from everything... It was for both of our own goods..

 

A mutual friend of ours ruined those efforts when she drove her to my dad's house when I was house sitting... And like magnets.. We were back.. Couple months later, we were 20 year's old expecting twins..

 

Long story short immaturity was our demise but what I can't get over is how it ended and she moved on.. I've been a waste of space for the past 6 years..

 

Went through a whore phase, which only took me to a depression phase, which lead to my unemployed phase, which ironically has kept me from acting on my suicidal phase because my life insurance has lapsed..

 

I avoid contact, thought, or discussion of her. But mutual friends and the twins serve as unwanted reminders that the only person I'll probably ever love still exists and is doing fine without me.

 

This weekend my son spills that his mom is pregnant and is expecting a son..

 

I'm extremely saddened by this.. Like extremely..

 

People are telling me I should be happy for her... That is the exact opposite of what I am for her.. I resent all of this.. My life trajectory was completely changed by her.. And she left me..

[MeadowFlower]

When someone dumps you (and doesn't remain your friend after) it's like they think so little of you, that they can drop you and never see or speak to you again. That's how little they think of you. You are even less than a friend to them. You aren't anything to them. You mean nothing to them!

Edited March 11, 2019 by MeadowFlower

[fieldoflavender]

It's hard to be friends when feelings are not completely resolved though. Not saying that's your case - I was "dumped" if you want to call it that (to be fair probably more of a mutual break-up) and I refused to be his friend. I don't like him anymore, and he just reminded me of bad life choices and he did the break-up in an insensitive way.

 

Each person probably has their own reason. This is why I guess girls and guys can't really be "friends".

[MeadowFlower]

Girl power, someone?

[MeadowFlower]

Feeling nervous etc

[MeadowFlower]

Our gut I instinct is a clever little thing.

[MeadowFlower]

There's nothing I can do about it.

 

:-(

 

And it's over for good.

[fieldoflavender]

There's better people out there! Or at least being alone is better than being with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

 

We deserve better.

 

I don't regret a single break-up when I really think about it. At the time, maybe it hurt, but now it's so much better. I would like to meet someone nice, but time will tell. Not interested in being stuck in something bad anymore.

[Beachead]

@FieldofLavender and @Meadow

 

I'm right there with you guys. I had some unwanted dreams about my ex last night and woke up this morning feeling like I was losing it. I felt ashamed for the feelings because of how long it's been. So I went online searching desperately for assurance that I wasn't the only one who suffers over yesterday even though yesterday was sometime ago. Why? Because my ego got the best of me and I myself forgot what I tell others all the time. You heal when you heal. There is no deadline on this. And it's okay to miss someone who meant something to you. Even if that person turned their back on you. Even if you don't want to be with them again. What they meant to you, changed you as all things in our life do. I'll quote something I heard recently:

 

"Someone doesn't have to be in your life in the present, for the role they played in the past to matter. You are allowed to hold onto the things that were important to you and miss someone you don't have in your life anymore."

 

I'll shamelessly admit that after a year or so..I cried today. I needed it.

 

Everyone stay strong, and don't give up on your life just because of what went wrong yesterday. That doesn't mean tomorrow is going to be the same. Keep being you.

 

@Meadow I responded to your PM's.

 

- Beach

Edited March 21, 2019 by Beachead

[fieldoflavender]

Sorry to hear that Beach and yes, we all have all weak moments. It's like an old injury if you hurt the same area or other bad things happen in your life that are unrelated, you will get more frustrated and it'll creep up. I always think of my ex fiancé when I have a new break-up. But when I get better, I forget him. Because ultimately, I do not want to be with him. I miss the dreams we had, I miss the nice person he was - and I don't think he was all evil, but it wasn't all he was. So when I realistically assess, I do not want to be with him.

 

And similar to your ex, I'm sure based on her actions, you do not actually want to be with her even if she breaks up with her husband and comes back. Because broken mirror glass can't be pieced together. Let the past stay in the past.

 

I would still like to meet someone else, but it's just not happening in the past few months. That being said, my last "break-up" was a month ago, so I guess just keep waiting. I don't want that much stress etc for a while anyways, but I guess keep looking. I'm lucky I don't even like children that much (not against having them but don't love them) so it's not like a tragedy if I never have children.

[Realitysux]

I feel ignored

Can someone read my ad and post some advice, I am really depressed about this. I've put myself out there, only to be rejected and now I feel worse!

[Beachead]

@FieldofLavender

 

I'm not sure how I feel to be honest.

 

I think what makes things exceptionally difficult for me personally us in the last 2 relationships..one day they were there, and then they were just gone. I don't just mean physically. I mean emotionally. Like a switch off.

 

The last time I saw the one I dated before, we were just sitting in my car and talking. She was leaving for med school the next day. I made jokes and made her laugh. Then she became silent and I could see the tears building in her eyes and she sobbed. So I held her and consoled her and the whole time I was thinking..this girl really cares for me. I believed that which was why I had already planned out when I'd see her and worked out my finances accordingly. I never thought twice about it being worth it or not. That's how I used to be. Completely committed if I was in something. Well, things happened and it turned out her sobbing in my arms was the last time I would see her again.

 

Then with this one..it was essentially the same thing. We fought, she went back to her ex and and she was gone as well. This was like a week and a half after dropping the L bomb on me.

 

I wonder what people think that does to a person because it does mess you up. The truth for me is words like "Love" became meaningless to me and I've lost faith in anyone being loyal and committed to me. If someone ever told me "I love you," I'd probably roll my eyes because my fists are always up guarding myself and that's a terrible way to live...but then again, when you've opened up to people and a year later, they wind up being memories you find yourself grieving..what do you do then?

 

Most people then say "You're choosing the wrong people" to which I say, you can only use what you've learned from past experiences with other people to evaluate someone new, to an extent, before it begins to actually hinder forward momentum. To which I also say, not everything comes off as a red flag while it's happening and if you care about that person, you tend to show patience, forgiveness..love and and not look for the wrong in everything. At some point..you have to let go of the past, let this person in, and give it a shot and pray they're not going to run your heart through a grinder.

 

This stuff really does take time. Especially if the wounds are deep and unchecked. They've manifested themselves into your behaviour and you may not even be aware it's there anymore. You could feel great for a year when suddenly, something just triggers it and you realize you're still working it all out.

 

Anyway, hopefully this resonates with others and maybe I'm not the only one who battles that.

Edited March 27, 2019 by Beachead

[Realitysux]

I hate my job, i hate my life, i am annoyed at the child and youth worker in my life. I am actually enjoying being down today, no desire to be happy, what does that tell you! My boss is so so. Thank God for the cat. She is so adorable! For those of you reading I do have a cat and I am going to cuddle her me some happy.

[Realitysux]

The cat doesn't want to cuddle lol