Beachead Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) Am I just really scared of being alone? That I'm staying in something I know is not giving me happiness? I wish I could find the courage to just be alone. I am jealous of Beachead and others who have found that peace. I still have hope I want to find love. Why am I lying to myself when it is clear that I am settling because I'm scared of finding anything better or ending up alone...forever? I think the scars from my engagement break-up are so scary that I don't want to face another break-up. I already had one 6 months ago and I'm really trying... I'm afraid too. I feel how all of you feel because I've also gone through it. You need to face your fear and embrace the potential reality of it, to set yourself free of it. If you find no one, is that the end-all, be-all of you and your life or is there more to you than that? You decide. Nothing worth knowing or having ever comes easily. It took me 30 solid years of my life to find the strength to look my demons in the eyes and give them the finger. - Beach Edited January 30, 2019 by Beachead
Rayce Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 Based on my posting in the NC thread I think I am back in denial. How come I am not feeling mad anymore? I am still sad and cry when I think of my ex but how come I am not feeling mad anymore?
fieldoflavender Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 Thanks Beach as always - so wise. One of the hardest things for me in this relationship is that I've really been pushed to evaluate what is it I truly want from love - from a relationship - from life in general. And sadly I don't even think I truly know. My personality/career has been such that I'm just go-go-go and I rarely reflect. So I don't really know how to reflect. I don't know what I want. Sigh.
Beachead Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 (edited) @FieldofLavender To self-reflect, you just need quiet around you so that you can quiet what's in your head. Pump the breaks on your life. Make it a little bit less go-go-go. The time that you are able to free up, use it for solitude and socialize less. So I would suggest deactivating social media as well and let people contact you via text or call if they need you. Practice doing more things alone and find a place just for yourself where you can be alone. Doing this is essentially dial the volume down on the world until you can hear your own voice..your own thoughts. Since you've always been on the move, this may feel very foreign to you because your mind may start to feel like it needs to get back to the grind..especially in the beginning. We don't realize how much expectation and pressure is being dumped onto us on the daily. Pressure to change, to be someone else, to try this, do that etc. It comes from work, school, tv, billboards, social media, friends, family, strangers walking by. Anything we are in contact of will influence us and it influences the expectations/pressure we place on ourselves. We end up being pulled and pushed in directions that steer us away from what we need for ourselves. Lessening the interaction you have in your life will help you realize how much of an effect it's been having on you. From there, you'll start to figure out who/what has been good for you and who/What has been terrible for you. You'll discover the things that makes you smile, bring you anxiety or stress, piss you off etc. Time goes on and you build picture of yourself you establish boundaries. One thing to mention is people who are used to having you in your life will react to this..often times, unfavourably. Make sure you let your friends/family know you won't be there for them for awhile. That you're going through things and you need to be alone to sort it out. They may want you to show up to their birthdays, their engagements, their parties, be there for the things that are important to them but you won't be there because you need you more than they do right now. They'll get upset. Some may leave but that's okay because you'll sort the good from the bad and that is what you need. If you cave and do as they want, you'll turn the volume back up and lose sight of yourself again. It takes discipline and practice and it is hard. But the way I see it is, if we do this today, we'll be much better for ourselves and for everyone else in the future. Knowing yourself is your defence against all the distraction in this world that can pull you away from what your soul really needs. Anyway, I think that's enough for now. You can always PM me. I'll read and offer help anyway I can. - Beach Edited January 31, 2019 by Beachead 3
Sarah_Smiles Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 @Sarah Smiles ........... In any case, they are on their own journey and are projecting their desires and emotions about them and their own life onto you. Disregard them. - Beach Hi, Beachead.. Thank you for replying to my mini mopey rant, you are kind to all in the coping section, our goodwill ambassador My family, sister, and mother are the worse, no compassion, no sympathy, support or understanding, and they both seem to take pleasure in the pain of others, a character flaw in both of them, I cannot stand it. I lost my voice once screaming at the both of them because I had enough, and it wasn't even regarding me at that moment. I cannot talk to either about anything personal, friends just are past it, so they are out except my roomie, and one cousin and best school friend and obviously my therapist( paid to care!) I think some think showing any emotions, especially crying about any kind of loss is showing a weakness. But, I am a crier, so it is me and if they don't like to see it, then they don't like to see me, is how I take it. I would feel better if they gave even a smidge of compassion my way, but they won't, not even as a child so cannot see getting any as an adult, only my nana and dad did, and they are both passed away. My ex at times is the least of my issues, only when new things re him arise off the telling to me by others who still see know him. I am sometimes bothered by always seeing his first name in papers, in comments, on tv, in movies etc...he does not even have a common name so is weird it always shows itself to me, constantly making me think of him when I am trying hard to put him in my past, because he put me in his and I don't want to be tortured by this anymore. In my relationship with my ex, my fault was I allowed things, I saw the red flags, coped with levels of disrespect and stayed, until the final straw for me occurred but even when returning home, and he wanted to work on things I still agreed to try because relationship was so long and we were engaged and had planned to wed... and whole time he was living a double life in his country, never once told me the truth, I found out several months ago around time of joining here, so for me is still painful to think who was this person how can you love someone and be with them and still have them never let you really know or see what and who they really are. One day, one cry, one crisis at a time I guess.
abotha5 Posted February 1, 2019 Posted February 1, 2019 Started out by blocking him on facebook. I hope I don't hear from him as a result. (but of course a tiny part of me hopes I do.) Been feeling the need to document our relationship lately. It meant so much to me and I am struggling with the fact that it's just gone. Up in smoke, like it never happened, and no one cares. So many memories. So I've been trying to write what it was like, month by month. The songs we played. The events we went to. The disagreements. How hopeful I was, and the moments that chipped away at my hope. I don't want to forget. . Thats a good idea. I have kept a journal from the start of my breakup and plan to write a book about it. This was my first breakup. She was my first girlfriend after my married EX walked out after 35 years. Never new it would be so tough. Never again. I'm 61 but it hurts just the same. Hang in and stay NC it will get better
MeadowFlower Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 (edited) **** you and her. Edited February 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed language
NomiMalone Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 Not a break up but... He is out of town at the moment for a funeral. Although I don’t expect to hear from him at all, as he should be focusing on his family, I do miss him. I’m grateful for the things I do have going on in my life to keep me occupied. At work this afternoon, a customer I’d never seen before asked me a question about my personal life, and kept hounding me when it was clear I didn’t want to answer. I tried to make a joke, but he wouldn’t let up. My part of the bar became awkwardly silent. I feel awful for not handling this better. I’m home now but I still feel like crap.
Beachead Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 (edited) Hi, Beachead.. Thank you for replying to my mini mopey rant, you are kind to all in the coping section, our goodwill ambassador <SNIP> Goodwill Ambassador..I like it . I know how you feel. Some of my family and most of my friends don't really care all that much for my struggles either. They have their own lives and only pop in when it suits them. I understand their side but I know I can't count on them during tough times. To avoid further disappointment, I quietly demoted them, dropped my expectations and put them in the necessary category they belonged in. Grateful for this community because at least there's people who understand. Try to forgive yourself. Everything is 20/20 in hindsight. But back then when you were in it, you didn't have all the answers you had now to make the best decisions. What was an obvious red flag now, could have just been chalked up to "bad period of time" in their life for example because we forgive, we show patience, kindness...we love. When we're committed, we'll always look for solutions instead of problems. There will always be one more thing we can do. And sure, we can apply the experience and wisdom we attain from the past to our new situations to some degree or another, but not all of it applies. If we don't treat each relationship as its own, we let the past interfere with the future and end up being the reason that new thing ends. Then we feel guilt and regret which is far worse. Love, as a result, will always require risk and will always require faith and bravery and there's no way to know until we know. Last person I was with spent a lot of our relationship complaining to me about how sh*tty her ex was. Dropped the L bomb on me and occasionally began to bring up a future. Wanted me to meet her family. We spent everyday talking in some, way, shape or form. Long story short, we ended because of him and she went back to him 2 days after we ended. Married him inside of a year. Vanished. Best way I can describe the healed wounds 18 months later is like a broken bones that healed up but still occasionally ache on rainy days. It hurts sometimes but I'll tell you this much, I'm happy I gave it a shot with her because I know if I hadn't gone for it, it would have been a regret for the rest of my life and it was in knowing that at the time things between me an her began to take off, is why I went for it and did my best in it. I almost let the loss consume me but managed to come back and make something out of it. I'm better for it. Stay tough - Beach Edited February 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
MeadowFlower Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 When someone dumps you, you learn how much you don't matter to them . 1
Twizzlestick Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 When someone dumps you, you learn how much you don't matter to them . That’s so true . It’s the shock of going from being their air and water to trash they just “care about” in a guilty sort of way.
MeadowFlower Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 Does anyone have a bad attitude/s towards or about their ex, even if the ex doesn't merit it?
MeadowFlower Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 Last person I was with spent a lot of our relationship complaining to me about how sh*tty her ex was. Dropped the L bomb on me and occasionally began to bring up a future. Wanted me to meet her family. We spent everyday talking in some, way, shape or form. Long story short, we ended because of him and she went back to him 2 days after we ended. Married him inside of a year. Vanished. Best way I can describe the healed wounds 18 months later ... - Beach Have you stayed single and not dated these last 18 months?
Beachead Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 (edited) @Meadowflower Yes. But it's worth noting there were several situations over several years that led to me walking away from dating. By the time I did it, it felt more relieving than anything. It wasn't her alone. Edited February 5, 2019 by Beachead
MeadowFlower Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 @Meadowflower Yes. But it's worth noting there were several situations over several years that led to me walking away from dating. By the time I did it, it felt more relieving than anything. It wasn't her alone. Will you never date again? Are you planning on just letting it happen naturally?
Beachead Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 (edited) @Meadowflower I'll never say never. But for now, there are things in my own life that need to be sorted, that can help place me in a better position to handle such things if I ever consider dating again. If or when I sort them out, I'll see how I feel then. - Beach Edited February 5, 2019 by Beachead
Borntoelevate Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 @Meadowflower I'll never say never. But for now, there are things in my own life that need to be sorted, that can help place me in a better position to handle such things if I ever consider dating again. If or when I sort them out, I'll see how I feel then. - Beach It sounds like you are still hurt by the break up am I correct? Do you know why you are still hurting 18 months post break up? I am 1 year post break up and it's still hurting for me. Everyday, I am scared and fear that I won’t ever be able to say that “I’ve recovered”. Do you think that it's possible to forever remain unhealed?
MeadowFlower Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 Had a sucky few moments. Nothing to do with the breakup.
MeadowFlower Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 That’s so true . It’s the shock of going from being their air and water to trash they just “care about” in a guilty sort of way. They are not a friend.
Twizzlestick Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 They are not a friend. Totally. Wouldn’t want to be friends. Friends talk about dates, mate stuff. Also you dont have to be conscious of when you see a friend or call a friend.
MeadowFlower Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 (edited) Just saw a t-shirt in a shop that had a small love heart printed on the front, and inside the heart it said "Doing fine without you". Edited February 7, 2019 by MeadowFlower
fieldoflavender Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 Strangely I broke up 2 days ago, and this time, there is no hurt. I guess because we were on the edge of breakup for weeks. I cried the last time I was about to break-up 3 weeks ago but now - there are no tears except I just want it to be over. He actually initiated but to be honest, it's more freedom rather than anything. I've posted here and I knew all along I was settling and I could do better. But I was scared about myself - I was scared it was my problem - I was too picky, I was too needy, and I needed to try harder with him. But in the end, it's clear - it's not just me - it's him. I simply did not think he was good enough for me and he also didn't like me enough. So next time, I will try not to over-stay it. Is this how things go? With each break-up, you get less sad? I had another one 7 months ago - I cared more about that one than this one. I seriously think my heart is frozen right now. I tricked myself into thinking I cared about him - and did I? I'm confusing myself now because I don't even know who I am and what I need. Lol this is the second time a guy breaks up with me before Valentine's Day. Are they that cheap that they're scared of paying money? Seriously I actually wanted to use the opportunity to pay him back for what he got me on my birthday. Meh. 1
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