MeadowFlower Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 (edited) I need to work through things and get things settled and at peace within me. --------- Imagine having a psychologist or someone being able to get inside you and tell you everything you feel, what you think, why. Even things you don't want to admit to or face. Edited January 22, 2019 by MeadowFlower
MeadowFlower Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 He'll go on living his life, get close to her or another woman.
MeadowFlower Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 I might start thinking about better days in the past. And about how it will be when everything is sorted/or something.
Beachead Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 (edited) I’ve noticed that happens to me as well. I struggle more when I feel less certain about my personal life and wished I had company with me to feel supported. I’ve tried to focus my attention on activities that contribute to the overall progress of my life: gym, diet, additional studies (contributing to work), church (for spiritual fulfillment), martial arts (productive hobby) but none seem to really be making an impact on improving mood. Glad to know you are feeling better. I’ve been having a hard time in the last week or so. I’ve been having dreams about my ex again and it bothers me that I am nearly reaching the 1 year mark of the break up and yet I am still thinking about her daily, still feeling depressed about her and aside from the passage of time, haven’t really moved on. Nothing has really changed in my life since the break up (same job, same finances). The only real difference is I’ve very fit (at least appearance wise). Internally, I am still very sad and I don’t know how to get out of it. I hear you man. Maybe I can shed some light about what's going on with you. The way I think about things is everyone has this invisible tank. It is supposed to be full of love. There is an inflow of it (Coming from self-generating activities + love from others) and an outflow (Demanded from the world in your job, your social obligations, family obligations, struggles etc.). When you're around healthy people and your social needs are met and you are taking care of yourself, you're getting what you need and more. The surplus just spills over and covers the demands of the world without taking away from your tank. But when you're not taking care of yourself enough or there aren't enough good people in your life/not enough intimacy, there isn't enough love coming in. The tank starts to empty and you can feel it in your moods. I think you're doing a great job focusing on you but maybe it's the social part that may be lacking for you. Not intimate or romantic per say but just genuine interaction. Not enough stimulating conversations or outings. Not enough of meeting new people. Also, you're still grieving and still healing. Keep that in mind. One thing I think about doing is getting out of this place. There's too much memory and heartache here. I feel like I just need a new scene. Maybe that's what you need as well. Is it possible for you to move elsewhere provided you are able to land a job? Maybe shock your life with a drastic change. If it scares you, it pulls you out of your comfort zone and stimulates you. You get to get away from the old places that carry so much memory and heartache and find a place that has untapped potential. What do you think? - Beach Edited January 24, 2019 by Beachead
BeRespectful Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I'm so confused having all the time we spent erased from my life. I don't want to fall in love again, and risk it all being reduced to zero. All the memories are ruined, what's the point in anything?
Beachead Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I'm so confused having all the time we spent erased from my life. I don't want to fall in love again, and risk it all being reduced to zero. All the memories are ruined, what's the point in anything? Only you can answer that my friend and you will when you're ready. Until then, live your life one day at a time. It's the things that destroy us that actually have the potential to transform us into something amazing if we can suffer through the process and be patient with it. Your life wasn't meant to be with that girl. It was meant to go a different way. Where that is, is simply up to you but it's too far ahead to think about right now. Just focus on yourself for now. Focus on what you want to accomplish in your life, make a plan, set your goals, and and go after them. And write your thoughts out daily about how miserable you feel but try to write one thing you are grateful for everyday. Go to the gym, rest your mind and feel your pain and let time mend. You won't feel improvements for awhile but improvements will come whether you think so or not. Once you start to see the results of the work you're putting in, the helplessness you feel will go away. I promise you that. So just focus on what you can control right now which is what you are able to do. That's all you have to do for now. - Beach
Rayce Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 @BeRespectful think of this time as being a caterpillar... on the other end you will be a beautiful butterfly. Wishing you Peace
fieldoflavender Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 Hi there. I replied in your financial incompatibility thread, as I'm in a similar situation. After a few breaks, this morning I broke up with him. It is hard, because we clicked so well in every other area except this one. But in the end, he accused me of "only caring about money," which is ridiculous, and immature. I think we're both doing the right thing. Nobody wants to have money without love - but love without money/smart financial planning isn't much better. It sounds like you and I are both pretty smart about money and planning for a solid future. It doesn't make sense to let anyone counteract that, especially a life partner. I've been working hard and sacrificing for years to get to where I am, and I'm not about to let anybody interfere with that or drag me down. I'm so sorry Ruby Slippers. I know you really tried and I'm sorry. I know even if it's the right thing to do, it still hurts you. That is immature of him - and maybe he will grow up and maybe you will still be around, but you definitely should move on and be the strong woman you are. I'm still with him but we're having even more issues now - the money we're burying but the sexual incompatibility is huge for me right now - and I think it's going to end up being a deal-breaker because I can't deal with that ON TOP of the money problems, on top of all the other issues. I need to trust my gut more. Now I'm going to be a huge chicken and likely drag this break up over the next month. Don't ask me why - I don't even know why, but I guess because it's the right thing to do. Sorry for hijacking the thread. Anyways I am not coping so well. I am calm, which is not a good sign. May we all (everyone in this thread) find love one day or at least have the courage to leave situations where we know ultimately we are not with the right person. Rich coming from me when I can't even work up the courage to do it now but will likely do it at the end of next month.
fieldoflavender Posted January 24, 2019 Posted January 24, 2019 I'm such a loser - I miss my ex (the one that caused me to come to lovesick) from 2 years ago. Everything the current guy messes up he got right. Everything. Except the end where he stabbed me in the back with a knife. But somehow I'm not remembering the knife stab as much as all that he did do for me that the current guy is seriously lacking in.
Rayce Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 Some days are better than others just remember that. Today I am having a good day... so good that I just booked my dream vacation for the fall of 2019. I'm going to be rafting down the grand canyon. 1
MeadowFlower Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 I just booked my dream vacation for the fall of 2019. That's cool.
Sarah_Smiles Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 I wonder why people would assume because you don't discuss something you are feeling better or over it and why they think just because you are not weeks into something and possibly months into it - it bothers you less, or you think or feel less about it, or are in less pain over it... odd, nothing like expressing yourself and being shunned or ignored and then shutting up on something and then the assumption is you are magically all better or fixed. Haha people! So how am I coping? I am not.
Beachead Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 (edited) @Sarah Smiles Those behaviours are caused by a lack of introspection so those don't understand themselves and therefore don't understand others. If they did, they'd realize there are many parts of us as humans, that are the same. For example, grief is grief. We may deal with it in different ways, but the process of it is the same. So in judging you, they actually judge themselves. It's stupid. By taking that extra care to understand yourself..especially during trauma, you learn how you react to things. You learn what pisses you off, what makes you cry, makes you happy. You learn where your limits are. You learn how far you can go. The more you learn about you, the more you can begin to choose what's right for you rather than what's wrong and you start taking care of the things you have control of, correctly which is a plus for your state of mind. You will coincidently develop more tools to deal with things that happen out of your control..death, heartbreak, illness, abuse in the family etc. ..such as sometimes all you can do is let things be and understand that it's okay not to be okay. Imagine if those people that pissed you off, actually had showed you some love? You wouldn't just feel better, you'd learn from their example and likely be inclined to show someone else the same. That love spreads. How powerful is that? Everyone wants to change the world or blame it, but coincidently absolve their responsibility to it by not being responsible for themselves and the way they treat others. It's weak. In any case, they are on their own journey and are projecting their desires and emotions about them and their own life onto you. Disregard them. - Beach Edited January 26, 2019 by Beachead 1
Twizzlestick Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 I’m havuf such a terrible day. Started my car this eve and it dumped all its coolant and temp rocketed into the red. Pissing it down with rain. I just sat there numb. Supposed to be moving from Ireland to England in a week. Garage prob won’t be able to take it for a week. I just cracked and cried when I got it. Lasted ten seconds. I just can’t even cry, my brain won’t let me. I’m in so much pain I can’t take it
Beachead Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 (edited) I’m havuf such a terrible day. Started my car this eve and it dumped all its coolant and temp rocketed into the red. Pissing it down with rain. I just sat there numb. Supposed to be moving from Ireland to England in a week. Garage prob won’t be able to take it for a week. I just cracked and cried when I got it. Lasted ten seconds. I just can’t even cry, my brain won’t let me. I’m in so much pain I can’t take it Hang in there. Things suck at the moment and yes that pain is going to be with your for long while, but take solace in knowing you don't have to do anything right now except express it when it comes. You probably bounce between not feeling anything at all to feeling really low and then back to nothing at all. It's normal. Let it be. That's all you have to do for now. Take life a couple of hours by a couple of hours because taking it day by day is probably too much. Don't worry about what happened, you'll sort out. Edited January 26, 2019 by Beachead
Twizzlestick Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 Hang in there. Things suck at the moment and yes that pain is going to be with your for long while, but take solace in knowing you don't have to do anything right now except express it when it comes. You probably bounce between not feeling anything at all to feeling really low and then back to nothing at all. It's normal. Let it be. That's all you have to do for now. Take life a couple of hours by a couple of hours because taking it day by day is probably too much. Don't worry about what happened, you'll sort out. Thanks Beachead. You’re right. I feel so tired of feeling. I just want a rest from it. From the pain. From the cycling thoughts and obsession. Hour by hour seems a good way of putting it. I change so rapidly. Thanks
Borntoelevate Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 I hear you man. Maybe I can shed some light about what's going on with you.... ...You get to get away from the old places that carry so much memory and heartache and find a place that has untapped potential. What do you think? - Beach That makes sense. I am trying several things to get my headspace to a better place. One of those things is working on extra studies for my career. My hope is that would make me more employable overseas. I actually had a pretty good run from Wednesday last week to Monday afternoon this week. I felt so positive, that I wrote in my journal "maybe this is finally the day I break free". But today, I am feeling bad again. Admittedly, not as bad as my previous relapses, but i definitely don't feel as positive as I did in the last 5 days before today. My mood was partly boosted because I went to a rave in Sydney on Saturday and took my top off. Heaps of people complemented me for being "ripped" and i definitely got a lot of validation from girls. Then when I returned to Melbourne the day after, the girl I am currently seeing (only intend for this to be short term) cried that I wasn't giving her enough attention over text and got jealous that I posted a photo of myself on instagram. She said "who are you trying to impress!?". Whilst purely external validation, I'll take what I can get at this point to help me feel better.
fieldoflavender Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 Am I just really scared of being alone? That I'm staying in something I know is not giving me happiness? I wish I could find the courage to just be alone. I am jealous of Beachead and others who have found that peace. I still have hope I want to find love. Why am I lying to myself when it is clear that I am settling because I'm scared of finding anything better or ending up alone...forever? I think the scars from my engagement break-up are so scary that I don't want to face another break-up. I already had one 6 months ago and I'm really trying...
Rayce Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 I've actually always been scared of that, 20 years ago when I fled 2 states to get away from my abuser I was so scared. I had never been alone. When I left someone told me to always remember this: A lonely day is better than any day of being abused. I am not sure why but this one phrase really stuck with me and gave me the strength to face the fear. Moving away was the BEST thing I ever did for myself. It's been hard. Right away I connected with domestic violence services and started volunteering and working on my own healing. Eventually time passed and now I am at the other end and afraid of being with someone. lol... after what happened with my ex I think I ready to face that fear and now I hope to get back to somewhere in the middle. I hope that helps. 1
Borntoelevate Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 Having another tough morning. I know she's not thinking about me (that stopped 10 months ago). I am the only one left in the room and it's so lonely. I don't think i'll ever meet someone like her again.
Morello Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 I've been having quite low days recently. I was dating this woman that I was into, even though she was not showing too much interest. It ended up being a good 'test' for me because I kept my anxiety in check and gave her space between dates. We both travelled for 45 days (apart) and it seemed to kill the vibe. I tried to arrange a date when we got back and she accepted at first but then cancelled saying she wasn't into it. I just replied wishing her the best which was good too (not to react too much to her bad news). Then I made the mistake to look at my ex's FB page and saw that she recently started being in a relationship. We interacted last year and even kissed on her birthday (many months after the break up). Now it looks like she's dating a surfer and it brings me all kinds of inadequacy feelings. Looks like she went on a surfing trip with him... It was terrible to look at the photo but in any case, this killed any last glimp of hope that she was available or thinking of me. The good part is that these things have been affecting me much less because I seem to have come to the conclusion that my happiness will not come from any woman. I'm feeling down because of other things that happened, such as career, and life in general. Sometimes it just feels like it started raining and you only see heavy clouds ahead of you. You have no idea how much it is going to last. It could be days, months, years. You know that there are tranquil waters later at some point but not knowing when/where gives me a bit of anxiety. I've been also thinking that I might not have what it takes for a long term relationship. Or I might be with a very broken picker cause it all seems to fade at the 2 or 3 months mark.
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