goth-gal Posted January 18, 2019 Posted January 18, 2019 (edited) I can't believe I've been ghosted ON our 4th date. Why do men do that after showing so much interest? It's my first ghost and I feel totally broken over it I know he was not even a BF, but it's so hard to find someone I like, and the way he acted it seemed like it was mutual. Edited January 18, 2019 by goth-gal
Beachead Posted January 18, 2019 Posted January 18, 2019 (edited) Hope you feel better Beached. Reach out if you’re feeling lonely. Thanks Borntoelevate. Took an unwanted trip down memory lane regarding some old relationships. Not sure what triggered it but I'd say it's probably because I feel a bit lost at the moment with my life. When that happens, I tend to think about a time when I felt good. I'm hanging in there now but what a week. Thanks again. Edited January 19, 2019 by Beachead
divegrl Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 Do you guys ever miss your ex (the one that had the most meaning and you miss the most despite ****ty things they did) during a new break-up? Tonight is hard. I knew this break-up was coming but it's still hard. It's not pleasant. Yup. I still think about my ex. Well the guy from a couple of years ago. I don’t let myself obsess. But I keep remembering him. Maybe this is why I have not been able to fully commit to someone else. I don’t know. Sending hugs my friend.
smellysocksuni Posted January 19, 2019 Posted January 19, 2019 I am not really coping as well as I thought I would be. Seeing her at university is proving too difficult for me, every time I come home I feel upset and I have no idea how to cope or manage with these feelings. I am unsure how people manage and cope with things like this, because it's reaching the point that I would actually rather just leave uni altogether, due to the intensity of the emotional pain and rumination that I am experiencing. I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I thought that I could block her out, ignore what I'm feeling, but it's only getting more intense. And we have now been added to the same group project, so I will have to sit with her on Tuesday. I am beginning to feel as if this is some sort of twisted joke.
MeadowFlower Posted January 20, 2019 Posted January 20, 2019 When it's over, but you have a false glimmer of hope. How foolish it is to enjoy that feeling and hold on to it. But I do....
MeadowFlower Posted January 20, 2019 Posted January 20, 2019 I can't believe I've been ghosted ON our 4th date. Why do men do that after showing so much interest? It's my first ghost and I feel totally broken over it I know he was not even a BF, but it's so hard to find someone I like, and the way he acted it seemed like it was mutual. Hang in there. I'm hurt too.
MeadowFlower Posted January 20, 2019 Posted January 20, 2019 At least we aren't alone in our pain. Is it unhealthy to carry them in our memory?
Sarah_Smiles Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 At least we aren't alone in our pain. Is it unhealthy to carry them in our memory? Not if you had some good times and had a long relationship and loved each other it is normal, I think to think fondly on those times occasionally but if the relationship was awful most of the time then maybe thinking back isn't the best thing to do, it keeps you in a downward cycle of misery. I learned some awful stuff re my ex after breaking, and it still hurts me a lot but it still doesn't erase how much I loved them for all those years we had.
Rayce Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 You can't just shut love off... the heart wants what the heart wants right? I waffle back and forth between sadness, missing him, anger, love, forgiveness. What a rollercoaster. This morning I woke up mad at him wanting to blow his whole life up and see him suffer... but I wont do that because I love him and that is not the type of person I am. 1
Beachead Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 You can't just shut love off... the heart wants what the heart wants right? I waffle back and forth between sadness, missing him, anger, love, forgiveness. What a rollercoaster. This morning I woke up mad at him wanting to blow his whole life up and see him suffer... but I wont do that because I love him and that is not the type of person I am. How long has it been since the breakup?
MeadowFlower Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Something someone said has made me feel not good
Twizzlestick Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Bad bad day. Despair, alone, abandoned, new sense of betrayal, old, unwell, loss of hope, overcome with loss.
Beachead Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 It was 6 weeks last Friday when I started NC. That sounds about right. Usually immediately after the breakup and being shattered to pieces, we tell ourselves a bunch of things that give us hope and put us into denial because it's the only way we can manage. Eventually those things don't hold up and they disintegrate and reality creeps back up. By then, we're a bit stronger and ready to take it on. That's where you're at right now. Anger is just the result of you dealing with your reality right now and it means you're working it all out. Don't suppress it. Feel it. Express it. Use it to drive you forward in your life for now. It needs to be channeled and directed constructively. Otherwise, it'll manifest itself into who you are and affect your life. I wanted my ex's relationship to burn up in flames for a long time. That anger lessons over time. Keep living. You're doing alright. - Beach
Rayce Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Thanks Beach... that really helps. I am going to the gym more to burn up the stress. I got my job search keeping me busy too. This week I signed up for 3 workshops at the unemployment office so I can get out of the house and be around other people. I am also signed up for meetup this week.
Beachead Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Thanks Beach... that really helps. I am going to the gym more to burn up the stress. I got my job search keeping me busy too. This week I signed up for 3 workshops at the unemployment office so I can get out of the house and be around other people. I am also signed up for meetup this week. Boom! Good stuff but stay balanced. Be active but don't avoid alone time. You need that silence to hear your thoughts, to feel your feelings, so that you can work through it all as well. Especially in the beginning. Both downtime and activeness are important to help you get back to you. - Beach
Rayce Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) lol... I live alone and since I lost my job I need to make sure I get out. I agree its about balance... a work in progress. I have a workout buddy whose H left her on Christmas Eve so we've been helping each other out. I am dragging her to the meetup with me. Edited January 21, 2019 by Rayce
Beachead Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 lol... I live alone and since I lost my job I need to make sure I get out. I agree its about balance... a work in progress. I have a workout buddy whose H left her on Christmas Eve so we've been helping each other out. I am dragging her to the meetup with me. Right. So then you're doing what you need to be doing then and that's good. Stay strong. 1
nolanola Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 lol... I live alone and since I lost my job I need to make sure I get out. I agree its about balance... a work in progress. I have a workout buddy whose H left her on Christmas Eve so we've been helping each other out. I am dragging her to the meetup with me. You're doing awesome Rayce!! I've actually lost count of how long I've been in NC (progress!!) but it's about twice the time that you have been. It does get better, albeit extremely slowly. I said this to someone else today, but for me it's been like waves. I'll go up and down, sometimes in the same day. I try to remind myself of this so that when I'm at the bottom of the wave I can recognize that I will come back up to the crest, it will just take a while. I think the things you are doing are awesome and will only make you a better person. This might not be the healthiest way of looking at it, but I think that the next time I see my ex, I want to look as good as I can and to be the person I was before all this (happy, interacting with everyone, confident, etc). So all the things I'm doing (working out, reading, working on new projects at work) are hopefully getting me there. Hugs to you today 1
Beachead Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) You're doing awesome Rayce!! I've actually lost count of how long I've been in NC (progress!!) but it's about twice the time that you have been. It does get better, albeit extremely slowly. I said this to someone else today, but for me it's been like waves. I'll go up and down, sometimes in the same day. I try to remind myself of this so that when I'm at the bottom of the wave I can recognize that I will come back up to the crest, it will just take a while. I think the things you are doing are awesome and will only make you a better person. This might not be the healthiest way of looking at it, but I think that the next time I see my ex, I want to look as good as I can and to be the person I was before all this (happy, interacting with everyone, confident, etc). So all the things I'm doing (working out, reading, working on new projects at work) are hopefully getting me there. Hugs to you today If it works, it works. And also, that's how it is. Initially after the shock, you go up and down frequently and it's intense. Your high points in the beginning will come from thinking about your ex in some way. Either imagining eating karma or or some thought that will feed into your hope of them coming back. Your low points, will feel paralyzing. But you'll find with time, those up and downs not only becomes less frequent, but less intense. The high points will start to come from self-generated reasons such as a new job, or a promotion, or a good time with friends, and your low points won't feel crippling. You will start to feel more and more stable on average and with that, you'll slowly start to feel like you again. You won't notice it because it's so gradual and subtle but one day you'll sit back and realize..holy sh*t. It might come to you on a day when you realize you're attracted to someone new or you catch yourself having a good time without your ex around..or maybe you realize you actually forgot to think about them yesterday. Continuing to do your thing will definitely help make the process easier. - Beach Edited January 21, 2019 by Beachead
Rayce Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 I am glad that we are bobbing out here in the waves together. You are so right. It wasn't easy getting into this situation so it won't be easy putting it behind me. I have been reading both of your stories and it really has been helpful for me. Thank you for being brave enough to share your stories.
Borntoelevate Posted January 21, 2019 Posted January 21, 2019 Thanks Borntoelevate. Took an unwanted trip down memory lane regarding some old relationships. Not sure what triggered it but I'd say it's probably because I feel a bit lost at the moment with my life. When that happens, I tend to think about a time when I felt good. I'm hanging in there now but what a week. Thanks again. I’ve noticed that happens to me as well. I struggle more when I feel less certain about my personal life and wished I had company with me to feel supported. I’ve tried to focus my attention on activities that contribute to the overall progress of my life: gym, diet, additional studies (contributing to work), church (for spiritual fulfillment), martial arts (productive hobby) but none seem to really be making an impact on improving mood. Glad to know you are feeling better. I’ve been having a hard time in the last week or so. I’ve been having dreams about my ex again and it bothers me that I am nearly reaching the 1 year mark of the break up and yet I am still thinking about her daily, still feeling depressed about her and aside from the passage of time, haven’t really moved on. Nothing has really changed in my life since the break up (same job, same finances). The only real difference is I’ve very fit (at least appearance wise). Internally, I am still very sad and I don’t know how to get out of it.
gcp Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 (edited) <snip> Internally, I am still very sad and I don’t know how to get out of it. Have you tried seeing a counselor? It definitely helped me out. Edited January 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
Borntoelevate Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 Have you tried seeing a counselor? It definitely helped me out. I have. In the first six months of the break up, I sought out therapists (multiple at the same time). Insights were made, but ultimately I still blame myself and can't move on from there. Sure, no one is 100% wrong and even if I can't see it, some of what I have deemed as 'wrong/bad behaviour' to her was in reaction to her behaviour (that to this day, I still can't see as bad). I am almost certain it also has to do with my in ability to find someone new that I am satisfied with, which I believe, is due to my melancholy/sombre state (constant RBF, not smiling, no lightness in my step etc.). Everything else in my life is fine. I've noticed that as soon as I have the rare temporary phases of unfettered joy and I am out with mates, I immediately draw more attention and smiles from others. The fact that this has continued for 1 year, despite all my attempts to recover makes me concerned that my current state is my new base line of happiness and I'll never ever be able to reach the same mental space I was in before the relationship. Back then I thought I had more confidence, but the truth is, I was just happy, which came across in my social interactions and zest for life.
MeadowFlower Posted January 22, 2019 Posted January 22, 2019 @Borntoelevate, do you have guilt and regret?
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