How are you coping today?

[Mac0908]

@Mac0908

 

Wish I had some motivating words for you my friend. I also know how it feels to be told, "When the time is right, the right one will come along" or something similar. You look around and everyone seems to be doing well. Meanwhile, there you are.

 

I've been ghosted as well a few times in my life. It is honestly one of the cruelest things people can do.

 

First of all, thanks man. Your reply hit home. It is really almost counter productive to come on here or go to others sometimes bc some people are just born critics in the wrong way, telling you well, THIS is why, or THATS why. In my heart and if you read my thread in detail, any level headed human being would be able to tell I did absolutely positively nothing wrong. Maybe I didn't play things the best way, but never did I do anything legitimately wrong to deserve what ended up happening. Also, it's always disgusting when you have those (albeit rare) very few who comically write stuff like "Well maybe she's busy with life" or "Maybe so and so happened!", like almost somehow someway implying that suddenly not being able to send a single solitary text message to another person after two amazing dates is justified.

 

Secondly, with regards to ghosting, if you're talking about someone you haven't even met yet and have just got a bad feeling through texting or a phone call just a little bit, then fine, forget them. Hell, I've even been guilty of that on a rare occasion. In a world of online dating where there are more options than ever, I guess there can some form of an "acceptable" range to this.

 

After you meet however, that's when common decency needs to come into play with at the very least one single text message explaining your feelings. After that, you owe the person nothing else. Ghosting in MY recent situation however, for example, after two great dates as well as some additional evidence that she was actually INTO me in at least some form, is the definition of cruelty and is what can really f-ck with a person's head terribly. Hence here I am feeling the worst I probably can after it all.

 

32 years old. A nurse. A mother. It's just inhumane IMHO.

 

Can only imagine the damaged soul I was actually out with.

Edited December 22, 2018 by Mac0908

[Cora]

First of all, thanks man. Your reply hit home. It is really almost counter productive to come on here or go to others sometimes bc some people are just born critics in the wrong way, telling you well, THIS is why, or THATS why. In my heart and if you read my thread in detail, any level headed human being would be able to tell I did absolutely positively nothing wrong. Maybe I didn't play things the best way, but never did I do anything legitimately wrong to deserve what ended up happening. Also, it's always disgusting when you have those (albeit rare) very few who comically write stuff like "Well maybe she's busy with life" or "Maybe so and so happened!", like almost somehow someway implying that suddenly not being able to send a single solitary text message to another person after two amazing dates is justified.

 

Secondly, with regards to ghosting, if you're talking about someone you haven't even met yet and have just got a bad feeling through texting or a phone call just a little bit, then fine, forget them. Hell, I've even been guilty of that on a rare occasion. In a world of online dating where there are more options than ever, I guess there can some form of an "acceptable" range to this.

 

After you meet however, that's when common decency needs to come into play with at the very least one single text message explaining your feelings. After that, you owe the person nothing else. Ghosting in MY recent situation however, for example, after two great dates as well as some additional evidence that she was actually INTO me in at least some form, is the definition of cruelty and is what can really f-ck with a person's head terribly. Hence here I am feeling the worst I probably can after it all.

 

32 years old. A nurse. A mother. It's just inhumane IMHO.

 

Can only imagine the damaged soul I was actually out with.

 

Ghosting really does suck. I’m sorry that happened to you. I too have been ghosted numerous times, but nothing hurt worse than the latest who ghosted me after dating for six months. Thought I knew him....decent stand up guy whom I thought would be the last person to do this to me. He’s still with the same woman he ghosted me for. Been three years now, but there are still moments I think to myself, what did I do to make him do this? Leaving someone for someone else is one thing....that’s forgivable. The heart wants what the heart wants. But ghosting someone after time has been invested (even if only 6 months) is just plain cruel. Guess that’s one reason I’m in no rush to get back out there. It really messed with my mind.

[JP92]

I'm sorry that happened to you Mac. I've been ghosted countless times and it really does suck. Especially when you start to really dig someone and imagine what it'd be like dating them and poof....game over. Back to square 1. I've really stayed as far away from dating as possible because it's so mentally exhausting. Constant overthinking about every little thing and wondering where I stand and if I did the right thing in various scenarios. For me, I'm finding it to be so unenjoyable. It's so much pressure. You have to make the perfect first impersonation, you have to ask the right questions, answer the correct way, and hope you somehow stand out in comparison to the countless other guys in pursuit of the woman. Maybe I am putting an unfair negative spin on dating, but I think it really sucks nowadays. There are countless apps and a lot of people go into those things half-hearted with no real intentions of finding something meaningful and it confuses the hell out of the people that do want something serious. I know it's not a walk in the park for women, but it's really difficult for men. One of my good female friends showed me an app she signed up for and she had over 500+ likes in just two days. Unreal.

 

You hope to meet someone naturally in real life, but you run out of patience because everyone around you is getting married and you long for the happiness that they have so you download an app tailored for dating and you end up feeling more empty and confused than ever. It's awful. I'm learning to accept being single and the pros that come with it and maybe just maybe if an opportunity presents itself, i'll pursue it but I'm not banking on it. Not saying anyone should adopt my mindset, but I just want to avoid putting myself in a position where I feel like I will more than likely get hurt. I went through hell and back to get through my breakup earlier this year and every so often I still feel a little down and I never wish to feel such negative emotions ever again.

 

I've had some great dates where I just knew everything went really well and the girl showed tons of interest afterwards only to randomly stop contacting me. You more than likely did nothing wrong at all and are only over-analyzing your every step because of the rude ghosting. Who knows what her true intentions were going into the dates, but I am more than willing to bet her sudden coldness has nothing to do with you.

Edited December 23, 2018 by JP92

[Mac0908]

I'm sorry that happened to you Mac. I've been ghosted countless times and it really does suck. Especially when you start to really dig someone and imagine what it'd be like dating them and poof....game over. Back to square 1. I've really stayed as far away from dating as possible because it's so mentally exhausting. Constant overthinking about every little thing and wondering where I stand and if I did the right thing in various scenarios. For me, I'm finding it to be so unenjoyable. It's so much pressure. You have to make the perfect first impersonation, you have to ask the right questions, answer the correct way, and hope you somehow stand out in comparison to the countless other guys in pursuit of the woman. Maybe I am putting an unfair negative spin on dating, but I think it really sucks nowadays. There are countless apps and a lot of people go into those things half-hearted with no real intentions of finding something meaningful and it confuses the hell out of the people that do want something serious. I know it's not a walk in the park for women, but it's really difficult for men. One of my good female friends showed me an app she signed up for and she had over 500+ likes in just two days. Unreal.

 

You hope to meet someone naturally in real life, but you run out of patience because everyone around you is getting married and you long for the happiness that they have so you download an app tailored for dating and you end up feeling more empty and confused than ever. It's awful. I'm learning to accept being single and the pros that come with it and maybe just maybe if an opportunity presents itself, i'll pursue it but I'm not banking on it. Not saying anyone should adopt my mindset, but I just want to avoid putting myself in a position where I feel like I will more than likely get hurt. I went through hell and back to get through my breakup earlier this year and every so often I still feel a little down and I never wish to feel such negative emotions ever again.

 

I've had some great dates where I just knew everything went really well and the girl showed tons of interest afterwards only to randomly stop contacting me. You more than likely did nothing wrong at all and are only over-analyzing your every step because of the rude ghosting. Who knows what her true intentions were going into the dates, but I am more than willing to bet her sudden coldness has nothing to do with you.

 

Man you have come a long way since the hell you went through when you first got here. You just flat out get it now. Your reply there hit home and spoke volumes.

 

The good news is that as a few days have passed, I have started to really believe that this in fact didn't have anything to do with me but instead had to do with the fact that she fell into that category of girls who THINK they want something serious but really don't when it comes down to it. Still no excuse whatsoever for ghosting at 32 years old (or any age for that matter), but it just is what it is. This is the sick dating world we now live in. We went on two amazing dates and then who knows, maybe she got spooked that she actually liked someone while also realizing she can't legitimately date someone and also be a full time mom to her 3 year old. After all, she DID tell me she was BRAND new to the dating app, and that I was her first date from it. She even threw in the infamous (yet i'll believe it here) line of "My friend wrote my bio". This memory came to me after I took the time to remember back to every detail of our short interactions together.

 

I kinda think I was what I like to call a "Testing the waters" type of dating victim. It IS just surreal though how two people can go out two times and connect SO very well, laugh nonstop, talk nonstop, and then boom, one of them turns the whole thing off like a g0d damn light switch.

 

Thanks JP.

Edited December 23, 2018 by Mac0908

[Beachead]

Man you have come a long way since the hell you went through when you first got here. You just flat out get it now. Your reply there hit home and spoke volumes.

 

The good news is that as a few days have passed, I have started to really believe that this in fact didn't have anything to do with me but instead had to do with the fact that she fell into that category of girls who THINK they want something serious but really don't when it comes down to it. Still no excuse whatsoever for ghosting at 32 years old (or any age for that matter), but it just is what it is. This is the sick dating world we now live in. We went on two amazing dates and then who knows, maybe she got spooked that she actually liked someone while also realizing she can't legitimately date someone and also be a full time mom to her 3 year old. After all, she DID tell me she was BRAND new to the dating app, and that I was her first date from it. She even threw in the infamous (yet i'll believe it here) line of "My friend wrote my bio". This memory came to me after I took the time to remember back to every detail of our short interactions together.

 

I kinda think I was what I like to call a "Testing the waters" type of dating victim. It IS just surreal though how two people can go out two times and connect SO very well, laugh nonstop, talk nonstop, and then boom, one of them turns the whole thing off like a g0d damn light switch.

 

Thanks JP.

 

@JP92 and Mac0908

 

What you two are discussing here is exactly why I grew disillusioned with the dating world. Disgusted really. It's ruthless. I focus on myself because I feel some degree of control doing this. What I put in, I get out, whereas I feel completely helpless in dating and relationships where what I put in has very little to do with the end result because there is another party involved whom I have very little control of.

 

We are victims of a changing world. There are a lot of forces out there that are affecting the culture of dating in a negative way. Technology, globalization, the thirst for material and financial wealth etc. People are far more busier than ever. They have less energy and time to give one another so they are colder. They receive the same kind of treatment from others so they are affected by that also. They are also more mobile. They relocate for career, education, for themselves. They travel. They don't stay in one place.

 

As a result of all of this, everyone's adopted technology and social media to simplify socializing and dating. All of which has diminished the quality of interaction and the value of giving time to someone. In dating, it reduces everyone to commodities and forces everyone to screen one another in a shallow manner rather than truly getting to know eachother.

And overall, that online culture allows people to just ghost and let someone down without having to experience the aftermath of destruction they leave behind in that person's life. Everyone wants to sweep it under a rug but it is an extremely inhuman way of socializing.

 

And if you were like me in the past and didn't have the luxury of being connected to a lot of potential partners and had to find your own way, then it made it that much tougher.

 

I don't think there is much we can do about any of it except keep playing the game or withdrawing like I did. If you have suggestions, let me know because I am just as lost as you are.

 

- Beach

Edited December 23, 2018 by Beachead

[Beachead]

Ghosting really does suck. I’m sorry that happened to you. I too have been ghosted numerous times, but nothing hurt worse than the latest who ghosted me after dating for six months. Thought I knew him....decent stand up guy whom I thought would be the last person to do this to me. He’s still with the same woman he ghosted me for. Been three years now, but there are still moments I think to myself, what did I do to make him do this? Leaving someone for someone else is one thing....that’s forgivable. The heart wants what the heart wants. But ghosting someone after time has been invested (even if only 6 months) is just plain cruel. Guess that’s one reason I’m in no rush to get back out there. It really messed with my mind.

 

Our time, our energy..these are very sacred things that we give only to the people that have earned our trust. Even with a strong and fresh state of mind, one would struggle to recover from that if at all. I now understand why you didn't return to dating and I don't believe anyone can blame you for how you feel. To say it hurt is likely an understatement.

 

Even when two people break up and go their separate ways, there is likely some communication about doing so, prior to doing it. They don't ghost eachother. They call quits and leave letting the person know its over and maybe even an explanation of why. In case, there is some kind of understanding of what needs to happen.

 

But ghosting? That is a whole other animal. I think people who do this are weak and cowardly and I don't care for their perspective or reasons at all. Whatever that person went through in their life is never an excuse for them to treat a person like expendable trash and permanently damage that person for the rest of their life. To not even award them an explanation by message at the very least, is to spit in their face and the memories that were shared together.

Edited December 23, 2018 by Beachead

[Beachead]

For everyone posting here and reading the thread, wishing you strength to endure the holidays. I know this time of year can be harder than most.

 

Stay strong.

[Cora]

Our time, our energy..these are very sacred things that we give only to the people that have earned our trust. Even with a strong and fresh state of mind, one would struggle to recover from that if at all. I now understand why you didn't return to dating and I don't believe anyone can blame you for how you feel. To say it hurt is likely an understatement.

 

Even when two people break up and go their separate ways, there is likely some communication about doing so, prior to doing it. They don't ghost eachother. They call quits and leave letting the person know its over and maybe even an explanation of why. In case, there is some kind of understanding of what needs to happen.

 

But ghosting? That is a whole other animal. I think people who do this are weak and cowardly and I don't care for their perspective or reasons at all. Whatever that person went through in their life is never an excuse for them to treat a person like expendable trash and permanently damage that person for the rest of their life. To not even award them an explanation by message at the very least, is to spit in their face and the memories that were shared together.

 

I agree 100%. It’s almost as if these people who ghost have a split personality. One minute everything is fine and they are the most loving person, spending all their time with you, making memories and showing you how much you mean to them. Then the next minute they are gone without a trace....you no longer hear from them and can’t get in touch with them...no goodbye, it’s over...nothing. And suddenly it’s as if you meant nothing to them. The time spent together, the memories....all meaningless to them. They are now this whole different person you no longer recognize. Now you’re forced to see this loving person you once knew as cold and heartless. You are left with your head spinning. Trying to grasp what just happened. You are left more confused than ever and with so many questions. The grieving process is delayed because you have no closure. Because part of you is still holding out hope that you’ll eventually hear from them...that it was all just some big misunderstanding. But the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months and you realize that it really is over and you have just been tossed aside like a toy they are now tired of playing with and that they didn’t even think you deserved the respect of a goodbye. It really screws you up mentally and emotionally. You question what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. The whole situation just sucks. And you never want to put yourself in that situation again so you fear getting back out there and dating again because if this person could do this to you then certainly others could too. So you play it safe and learn to love and enjoy being single.

[Cora]

For everyone posting here and reading the thread, wishing you strength to endure the holidays. I know this time of year can be harder than most.

 

Stay strong.

 

Thank you, same to you Beachead. Take it easy.

[Beachead]

I agree 100%. It’s almost as if these people who ghost have a split personality. One minute everything is fine and they are the most loving person, spending all their time with you, making memories and showing you how much you mean to them. Then the next minute they are gone without a trace....you no longer hear from them and can’t get in touch with them...no goodbye, it’s over...nothing. And suddenly it’s as if you meant nothing to them. The time spent together, the memories....all meaningless to them. They are now this whole different person you no longer recognize. Now you’re forced to see this loving person you once knew as cold and heartless. You are left with your head spinning. Trying to grasp what just happened. You are left more confused than ever and with so many questions. The grieving process is delayed because you have no closure. Because part of you is still holding out hope that you’ll eventually hear from them...that it was all just some big misunderstanding. But the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months and you realize that it really is over and you have just been tossed aside like a toy they are now tired of playing with and that they didn’t even think you deserved the respect of a goodbye. It really screws you up mentally and emotionally. You question what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. The whole situation just sucks. And you never want to put yourself in that situation again so you fear getting back out there and dating again because if this person could do this to you then certainly others could too. So you play it safe and learn to love and enjoy being single.

 

I'm with you, word for word.

 

This is why all of us on here should understand that whoever we get together and have a relationship with, we will be responsible for their feelings and quality of their life to a degree. It is a mutual giving of the deepest parts of ourself. It isn't just about us anymore. We have someone elses heart in our hands. If a person is reckless, they cause this kind of damage. This is what they do.

 

I have to remind myself of this everyday because it's so easy to give in to the pain, anger, jealousy, resentment, envy and general weakness. It's okay to feel these things..but if we succumb to it, can spread like a wild fire and burn everything around it and it will all become dead and lifeless. It is easy and cheap, entitled, selfish, and taking. It expects. That's why we see hateful related emotions and actions everywhere, all over the world, in our backyard, such as people who do and say sh*tty things to one another. Like that guy who ghosted you. Like my exes. What they did came from what was in them. They took the easy route..the reckless uncaring, non-compassionate, non-loving route. Easy to feel, easy to do, easy to express. The people around us who matter who may be looking up to us or who need us will see it and feel it from us. We coincidently impact them negatively because of it.

 

Love to me is the water to this wild fire. I'm not talking about romantic love...that's lust, passionate, attachment. I'm talking about what it really is; giving who we are without expectation. Giving forgiveness, compassion, patience, understanding, acknowledgement to others and most importantly, to ourself. It's hard to do and that's why you rarely ever see it. To express it genuinely to others, we also need to feel that giving from someone else to show us that there is hope. The other part of it is we have to give it back to ourself and treat ourselves well until we start to feel well. However long it takes. Rejuvenate our spirit with time and patience and forgive ourself for our mistakes and our weaknesses and the things that happened to us. Allowing ourself to be real with ourself. To let ourselves feel the hate we that's inside, but to not be consumed by it like others have. Even if that means we have to disappear from everyone for awhile to clear our head and heart. Even if that means we can't be there for others. To do what what we have to do to protect our spirit because if we're poisoned, we'll poison others. To find a career that makes us feel healthier. To do things that make us feel healthier. To surround ourselves that make us feel healthier. Things that are not at the expense of harming others but heal us until we are healed. When we start to feel replenished, others feel that vibe.

 

I don't know if that would ever mean us meeting a great person we can spend the rest of our life with being that just because we are good to others, doesn't mean this life will reward us. There may very well be the possibility that we may be unmarried or alone for the rest of our life. But we will certainly rub off on someone or a few people at the very least. The people who matter to us, who have been there for us, who need us, whom are around us. That's got to count for something.

 

I know this because that is what the few people in my life have been for me..and I have affected others in the same way.

 

I hope we all find that kind of strength one day so that we won't give and become like these irresponsible a**holes out there. It would be tragic because we are a step higher emotionally and spiritually because of the struggles we have all been through.

 

I quit looking and hoping and expecting out of this life. Part of that was letting go of this idea that I was meant to be with someone. Crushed my world but forced me to live for something else. Better to feel incomplete, working for something I have control of and accomplishing something meaningful out of it , then to feel incomplete, being a victim of something I don't, accomplishing nothing.

 

Don't know if that makes sense.

Edited December 26, 2018 by Beachead

[JP92]

Looking back on 2018 and feeling like an entire year was wasted. Going into 2019 with my guard up and being very selective with who I allow into my life. To think about the countless days, weeks, and even months that I spent in pain over someone else and it disgusts me. I went into 2018 with a plan to focus on self-improvement in all areas of life before unexpectedly getting into a relationship. It was so intense and brought on emotions I'd never experienced only to suddenly end out of nowhere right when I was feeling a strong connection. Tested and tested again and again by one person. The initial breadcrumbs, the stupid false-hope, the constant questioning about what went wrong, the random encounters that brought setbacks, the what-ifs, checking social media only to get more hurt, etc.

 

All of these negative emotions on a daily basis because of one person. It made me realize that I need to work on myself before I ever try to pursue a relationship again. It's not fun and it hurts whenever a breakup occurs that you didn't want to occur, but it was a red flag that I was so devastated by it for so long. It showed me that I was putting way too much emphasis on that relationship providing me happiness and no one person should have such control over my happiness. I can sit back and call my ex cruel or whatever negative name I want, but she wasn't responsible for my pain months later. That was all me. She didn't force me to still have obsessive thoughts or to check up on her social media. That was all me. It showed me that I was a very insecure person. I felt so bad about not having something other people had and avoided so many social encounters with others because I felt so pathetic for not having a partner. It made me face the hard truth that I wasn't happy with myself. That I was using the relationship to mask some other issues in life that I wanted to ignore. So even if things had kept rolling, I would still have to answer for so many things further down the road that could have derailed the relationship.

 

Some lessons in life really suck but they're essential. At least for me. I may have a good handle on a lot of things in life, but I had such little experience in relationships and had no clue what to expect going into one. I let my guard down and went into things at 100 mph which set me up to experience a huge void when it crashed.

 

Here's to a positive 2019.

[Cora]

{snip} I don't know if that would ever mean us meeting a great person we can spend the rest of our life with being that just because we are good to others, doesn't mean this life will reward us. There may very well be the possibility that we may be unmarried or alone for the rest of our life. But we will certainly rub off on someone or a few people at the very least. The people who matter to us, who have been there for us, who need us, whom are around us. That's got to count for something.

 

I know this because that is what the few people in my life have been for me..and I have affected others in the same way.

 

I hope we all find that kind of strength one day so that we won't give and become like these irresponsible a**holes out there. It would be tragic because we are a step higher emotionally and spiritually because of the struggles we have all been through.

 

I quit looking and hoping and expecting out of this life. Part of that was letting go of this idea that I was meant to be with someone. Crushed my world but forced me to live for something else. Better to feel incomplete, working for something I have control of and accomplishing something meaningful out of it , then to feel incomplete, being a victim of something I don't, accomplishing nothing.

 

Don't know if that makes sense.

 

Very well said! And it made perfect sense.

 

I know that I have a lot of healing left to do. It’s one of the reasons I have stopped dating and seeking a romantic relationship. I don’t want my pain to cause me to treat someone else poorly. They don’t deserve that. They had nothing to do with how the last guy treated me. I’d never in a million years want to hurt someone like that. I don’t want them to feel the pain that I felt. The viscous cycle has to end or else there is no hope.

 

I know there are still good people out there. I’m not even saying the ones who treat us poorly are necessarily bad. They probably had someone else treat them poorly or something bad happen to them and allowed the pain to overcome them which in turn let the cycle continue. Not that that’s an excuse, but I’d rather believe that than believe they are just horrible people. I’ve made peace and have forgiven the guy who ghosted me. However, I’m still recovering.

 

I have come to realize that there are so many other things in life that are more important to me than finding romantic love. Those things are family, good friends, hopes, dreams and passions. Over Christmas I spent a lot of time with family....some I haven’t seen in awhile. It brought back memories from childhood and made me realize how truly important these people are to me. Life is so short and is over in a blink of an eye. I don’t want to spend it feeling hate and resentment and being bitter. I want to live life and enjoy spending time and making memories with the people who mean the most to me. And if, when I’m ready, I find a romantic love along the way then great. If not, then that’s fine too because as long as I’m living there is always something to be thankful for.

 

Thanks Beachead for putting things into perspective.

Edited December 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smellysocksuni]

I'm not coping well. I am feeling intense self-blame, even though everyone reassures me that I shouldn't. I'm feeling deep emotional pain, and I am feeling incredibly alone. I'm so, so fed up, hurt and abandoned.

[Rayce]

Ditto... that is exactly how I am feeling too... with a heaping dose of rejection included... nightmares galore. Post-Christmas blues...

[Beachead]

Very well said! And it made perfect sense.

 

I know that I have a lot of healing left to do. It’s one of the reasons I have stopped dating and seeking a romantic relationship. I don’t want my pain to cause me to treat someone else poorly. They don’t deserve that. They had nothing to do with how the last guy treated me. I’d never in a million years want to hurt someone like that. I don’t want them to feel the pain that I felt. The viscous cycle has to end or else there is no hope.

 

I know there are still good people out there. I’m not even saying the ones who treat us poorly are necessarily bad. They probably had someone else treat them poorly or something bad happen to them and allowed the pain to overcome them which in turn let the cycle continue. Not that that’s an excuse, but I’d rather believe that than believe they are just horrible people. I’ve made peace and have forgiven the guy who ghosted me. However, I’m still recovering.

 

I have come to realize that there are so many other things in life that are more important to me than finding romantic love. Those things are family, good friends, hopes, dreams and passions. Over Christmas I spent a lot of time with family....some I haven’t seen in awhile. It brought back memories from childhood and made me realize how truly important these people are to me. Life is so short and is over in a blink of an eye. I don’t want to spend it feeling hate and resentment and being bitter. I want to live life and enjoy spending time and making memories with the people who mean the most to me. And if, when I’m ready, I find a romantic love along the way then great. If not, then that’s fine too because as long as I’m living there is always something to be thankful for.

 

Thanks Beachead for putting things into perspective.

 

No worries . Just speaking from my heart. Just like you, I know I have wounds that will require time and work to heal, if its even possible to heal. You and me are on the same page. I know it isn't easy. Keep being you and stay strong.

 

- Beach

[Beachead]

Looking back on 2018 and feeling like an entire year was wasted. Going into 2019 with my guard up and being very selective with who I allow into my life. To think about the countless days, weeks, and even months that I spent in pain over someone else and it disgusts me. I went into 2018 with a plan to focus on self-improvement in all areas of life before unexpectedly getting into a relationship. It was so intense and brought on emotions I'd never experienced only to suddenly end out of nowhere right when I was feeling a strong connection. Tested and tested again and again by one person. The initial breadcrumbs, the stupid false-hope, the constant questioning about what went wrong, the random encounters that brought setbacks, the what-ifs, checking social media only to get more hurt, etc.

 

All of these negative emotions on a daily basis because of one person. It made me realize that I need to work on myself before I ever try to pursue a relationship again. It's not fun and it hurts whenever a breakup occurs that you didn't want to occur, but it was a red flag that I was so devastated by it for so long. It showed me that I was putting way too much emphasis on that relationship providing me happiness and no one person should have such control over my happiness. I can sit back and call my ex cruel or whatever negative name I want, but she wasn't responsible for my pain months later. That was all me. She didn't force me to still have obsessive thoughts or to check up on her social media. That was all me. It showed me that I was a very insecure person. I felt so bad about not having something other people had and avoided so many social encounters with others because I felt so pathetic for not having a partner. It made me face the hard truth that I wasn't happy with myself. That I was using the relationship to mask some other issues in life that I wanted to ignore. So even if things had kept rolling, I would still have to answer for so many things further down the road that could have derailed the relationship.

 

Some lessons in life really suck but they're essential. At least for me. I may have a good handle on a lot of things in life, but I had such little experience in relationships and had no clue what to expect going into one. I let my guard down and went into things at 100 mph which set me up to experience a huge void when it crashed.

 

Here's to a positive 2019.

 

That's great stuff JP92. Try not to be too hard on yourself though.

 

Experience in life and relationships serve us well when dealing with heartbreak and breakups since they give us a strong idea of who we are and how we uniquely get through our grief but it won't serve all that much when trying to suss out a person as a good partner, unless there are some extremities there. When it comes to evaluating people, our knowledge and wisdom are only as good as our past. We don't know how this new person will be like. They are a mystery which we must unravel. They have their own set of quirks that they bring to the relationship which we must discover and learn how to deal with. It will take a lot of internal strength stemmed from self-love to handle it. If we generalize them based on the past, we could lose them because we refused to let go of the past. Therefore, we will still have to approach a new situation with an open mind. This will always be the case.

 

And the other thing is, remember that at the time you got together with this girl, you gave it your best in every way possible. And while a lot of people out there are quick to judge or criticize, you could only make choices based on the information you had at that time. Hindsight is always 20/20. Some things that are obviously red flags in hindsight to everyone including you, could have simply been excused as "Her going through a lot and just having a bad day." When we care for someone, that's what we do. We forgive. Show patience and compassion because we trust. We don't have one foot out the door, looking over our shoulder, looking for warning signs, just incase we get stabbed in the back. If you had been that way, maybe you would have left a bit too early and wondered for the rest of your life what if. Sometimes, we just don't know about a person until we know.

 

Continue to work on yourself but don't beat yourself up about not seeing the flags.

 

- Beach

Edited December 29, 2018 by Beachead

[Endnote]

Rough couple of weeks hitting the 4 month mark and passing the holidays as a single man for the first time in years. At times I want to know what my ex is up to, maybe give me some kind of emotional closure. Not gonna cross that bridge though, I know where it leads. Still, it's hard to spend the holidays, even around friends and fam, without my ex. I'm trying to cut the love for her out of my heart, but even with all the ruminating and emotional work I've done, it's still very difficult to let this go.

[Mac0908]

You more than likely did nothing wrong at all and are only over-analyzing your every step because of the rude ghosting. Who knows what her true intentions were going into the dates, but I am more than willing to bet her sudden coldness has nothing to do with you.

 

I've toyed with this theory over the last week. Just KIND of hard to view being ghosted as having nothing to do with me. And if it were in fact her, why couldn't she just be honest? Wouldn't it be easier to do that than to maybe offend me by saying she just wasn't into me?

[Sarah_Smiles]

I managed to make it through the better part of the holidays so far without hurting myself or curling up into a ball of despair, yippeee??? All my siblings, friends and family have partners and wow does it make me the odd one out and my mom makes a point to shove that at me every chance like I did something wrong and it wasn't actually done to me Hard to have a mother that always thinks a man is right and cannot see the pain her own daughter is in or sticks pins in to make it worse. Now next hurdle is NYE.

[maybejune]

I was doing well busy with my life, until recently someone deliberately trying to dig into my ex, by asking the 'story' with him. I ended that topic with ' I'm single now', hated that person but was proud that I stood by myself and didn't share anything. I always have boundaries issue, so that was a nice step to show I am making improvement.

 

The next I realized that day was his bd, still that didn't bother me.

 

However, I'm under a lot of stress and suddenly I returned to the mood of needing someone to help me out, and then he showed in my mind for a couple of days. I tried to remain calm and continue with my projects, but the **** which has been haunting me for a year got me again.

 

I feel so lonely, not just alone. I never was afraid of being alone, because I always found self-sufficient, and didn't depend on outside to keep good spirit. But I'm down to depression, can barely calm down. The loneliness is everywhere,

 

This mood swing is nothing new anymore. I'm trying to record the trigger.

[Cersei]

I've toyed with this theory over the last week. Just KIND of hard to view being ghosted as having nothing to do with me. And if it were in fact her, why couldn't she just be honest? Wouldn't it be easier to do that than to maybe offend me by saying she just wasn't into me?

 

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time.

 

As far as I am concerned ghosting is done by chicken s--t, gutless people who really don't take people's feelings into consideration. I would far rather be confronted about whatever went wrong or isn't working than left wondering just what happened. Can you tell I have been there before? Lol

 

Hang in there. This holiday stuff is almost over with and soon routines come back into play.

[fieldoflavender]

So I'm going through another break-up. Okay I don't even know if I can call it that anymore. I'm still not completely over my major break-up 2 years ago that landed me here.

 

It's so hard when you have somewhat of a connection, and you see red flags, but you try to find something. But in the end, it amounts to a lot of disrespect and nothing much.

 

How do you guys find the strength to keep trying? I sometimes think I need a bit of a break but I usually feel worse during the breaks. It just reminds me of the most recently failed relationships.

[Insoc]

It will be over 2+ months since I filed for Divorce, as each day moves forward I feel better, I have around 4 months to go till my Divorce is final. I have days where i feel better and days I feel like, well empty and lost.

 

What has helped me big time so far is staying active, I go to the gym often, hike and get out, also when I'm stuck in my rented room (temporary) I listen to music and read, sometimes turn the TV on to fill the void.

 

I did join Match.com, had a few dates, it helps give you promise that someone else is out there to fill the void. This is also a double-edged sword because you can get your hopes up too fast to find that missing aspect of a relationship, and then realize the other person isn't thinking the same as you.

 

I'm still separated so it makes dating very hard, Women tend to not want to get involved, but it did help me emotionally to meet people, at least for a few hours, the talking up to it was good, but 2nd dates are not happening. I think my status just is too terrifying for many.

 

So I must wait it out, I know things could be worse, some days I get emotional and the sadness engulfs me, I do get teary eyed, not much for my failed marriage anymore but just of a few people I met who I sorta liked but probably was not being patient.

 

We have no kids, so that makes it different, most everyone I met has kids or family nearby, so they are not so empty handed.

[Borntoelevate]

Approaching 10 months now and I am not getting better. This show is getting tiring. My parents assure me I am getting better (they say they 'see it') but I think they are giving empty encouragement in the hope it would be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Today I am feeling so extremely lonely. I wish I had someone to message back and forth with but I have no one. I feel like my life is passing before my eyes and I am powerless to do anything about it.

 

I am still gyming, reading, working (doing bare minimum), going to church (though not religious) and trying to decipher how to get out of this situation, but nothing is helping.

 

There's no point in talking to my parents because my dad loses patience and my mum will repeat the same line: "you allow yourself to be this way".

 

As taboo as suicide is, my mind keeps going back there. I don't know why, but I think it's because it's the only full proof way of guaranteeing an end to the suffering. I won't commit suicide, but I think I feel a sense of comfort whenever I remind myself that the option is always there.

 

To all the read this and to any higher power, I really am so sorry for what I had done in my previous relationship. I pray that you forgive me and bless me with meeting someone new who is suitable.

[Rayce]

Peace Borntoelevate… I myself have been waking up the last few days with extreme anger... going back and forth from burst of crying to burst of anger. I totally understand how low you feel and actually tried a suicide attempt when I was a teenager... the very 1st time my heart was broke... over 40 years ago. Since then my heart has been broke many times over and a few times I felt those pangs of not being able to go on... but somehow I manage to over come and so will you. Call the suicide help line the people on the other end are there to listen and help you through the crisis... May Christ grant you mercy and show you his loving grace. Peace