How are you coping today?

[Minneloa]

Yesterday, I ran into a guy I briefly dated a while back in the place where we met, which I have been assiduously avoiding ever since we stopped seeing each other. We didn't make eye contact, and I'm not sure if he saw me, but it made me sad. Later, the hurt feelings from the breakup returned. Ah well, back to steering clear of that particular corner!

[Minneloa]

But it did make me wonder if I should have gone such hard NC. Maybe returning earlier to our shared place would have been the better option, because now the awkwardness is through the roof, at least for me.

[Chassit]

I am so depressed today, I miss her so much.

[Borntoelevate]

I woke up in the middle of the night still thinking of her, despite drugging myself out on sleeping tablets. I should be out like a light.

 

Beachead, hope86, I know I won’t get better. It has taken me 8 months to get here and what have I achieved? I am still waking up to her every morning for Christ sake. My life is still at a stand still. Aside from physical fitness I haven’t improved anything else.

 

It took me this long to really realise that it was over or at least discover why she wanted to break up and was so adamant about it.

 

Look, there will be some people, stragglers, some people in this world that will never be able to reach a place of normal functioning again after the death/loss of a loved one. I am sure, within my head, it can be reasoned out/discovered why she left me, but after numerous counselling sessions and the passage of time, I’ve only reached this point. My mind still hasn’t fully reconciled why the break up was better this way.

 

I woke up in the middle of the night today because I realised that mentally she reached the point of no return with the break up, 8/9 months ago yet I still haven’t reached that point. To an extent I am still hoping, but it is such a small little ray of hope now, that I am don’t even think it is “hope”, but rather an inability to let go...

 

I still don’t see dating new people exciting or fun. Daily activities are still just to maintain my boring life as opposed to improving it. This is a mental rut I am in. I am feeling hopeless and suicide is once again looking like an attractive option. I will never ever get any ****ing better...

 

After all this time, the break up is still a miss match of confusion. I know a big portion of my struggle has to do with my inability to find someone to ‘replace’ her with. I’ve dated a lot since we ended but no one I can have a life with.

 

There are still so many memories in me. Even when I see a Tiffany and Co ad in passing, it shoots thoughts of “that is what I would have bought amid for our engagement but she’s getting it from a new guy now”. She is walking away from me with zero regrets and I feel so foolish that I even believed we still had a chance after our break up.

 

I am rambling but, some people just don’t get better. Some people will be wounded for ever and never become normal. All my efforts with a gratitude journal, waking up early to exercise etc all mean nothing. I give up. I surrender.

[Charlierose30]

I am an absolute mess. My mental health is the worst it’s ever been, I can’t stop crying and ruminating on everything that has happened. None of it makes sense. I’ve got a long road ahead in terms of recovery and it feels daunting and scary and too hard right now.

[fieldoflavender]

It's like about 2 years - but I got triggered again - lately I've been more triggered. I'm come to realize - it's not that I still love him but because the anger I feel towards him and the betrayal and the back stabbing - I'm still struggling to get over that.

 

I still feel bursts of anger whenever things in my life don't go well - somehow it all goes back to him because he represents so much negativity, hurt in my life. My other ex's weren't great people either in the end - but I don't know - I've moved on. People haven't been mature or nice, but they never did all the nasty things he did.

 

I guess I struggle knowing that he can have his perfect rich little life while I have to be stuck feeling this way. That I need counselling while he was able to carry on all fine. I just feel it's incredibly unfair. That he can probably easily go get another girl or stay at home wife while I have to struggle to find someone and keep doubting their intentions and set on getting a prenup because of the financial mess we had fights over.

 

I'm supposed to learn from it - I just got more resentful and bitter and mistrusting as a result. And all I know is - I don't think I can ever forgive him. I never got the closure - but it hurts so badly that someone I trusted with so much, could backstab and hurt me so badly in the end.

 

I did mean things too - but I was acting out of emotional lability. He schemed and did terrible things post-break up. That takes things to a different level imo. In my other break-ups, I didn't scheme against anyone and they didn't either - we just went our separate ways. To on purposely do nasty things and get his family to shame and embarrass me while he ran away from it and acted like a puppet master - I don't even know who I was during that whole time anymore to have trusted someone like that.

 

I keep telling myself one day it'll be okay - I won't be so angry - but I am still angry. I don't think justice was ever served. He will never get a life lesson and will continue doing rich people things.

 

Sigh.

[Beachead]

You and me both. A friend decided to unecessarily disclose some unsolicited information about my ex a few days back. It triggered me. It was info about how she moved to the west coast with her husband which is far from here. Should be have been a weight off of my shoulders but instead, it upset me to hear it even though I haven't even spoken to her in over a year. Triggered memories of what we shared and how she went running back to her now husband. They got what they wanted while my life got flushed down the toilet for a year afterwards. I was a joke and it was all pathetic. Crying over someone whom I doubt ever gave it a second thought afterwards. The helplessness was maddening. You go through one or two breakups, it makes you stronger. But when things just keep on failing..it can cripple you. You start to blame yourself, lose faith in your decisions. You lose your strength to deal.

 

I buried my pain to some degree just to survive what felt like death at the time. Still hate her for what she did and wish she'd feel the kind of pain she put me through but I doubt she will. Some people treat others like sh*t and wind up okay anyway.

 

I can only blame myself for choosing someone like her but really there's no point. In hindsight, everything is clear. At the time, it never is. I chose her because there was something there worth exploring. You never know until you know. But, it just so happened my choices have been wrong..always.

 

Don't care to put myself through a risk like that again. Not even sure, if I'll even make it in this life because doing it alone is taxing. But one day at at time. It'll be rough for me for awhile.

Edited November 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sarah_Smiles]

Not wonderfully.. looked at IG and old family pictures ( which unfortunately they are still in some of those) and that was all it took. Guess I will be going into work lateeeeeee today.

[Morello]

Although I understand that some breakups are nasty and leave scars, I have this idea that when we're just taking a bit too long to recover from it, especially if it was a short-lived relationship, then we're doing so because of our own issues, not just because of the breakup itself.

 

I see fieldoflavender and beachead on the victim mode even after quite a long time after the breakups! Come on guys, the reason you're left feeling like you are after so much time is because that breakup triggered other issues you might have. You still relate the pain and suffering to the breakup because that's what triggered it. But let's be honest, it's not about the breakup anymore.

 

I am talking from experience too. I was someone's rebound in a very intense short relationship. I too was left wondering and she just moved on with her life rather quickly. We still got in touch afterwards and she showed a bit that she cares after that but she's been largely unaffected.

 

It has been much easier for me to move on from her since I've realised my pain was mostly not about her or the breakup. It just triggered my feelings of inadequacy from my past experiences. The feeling I'll never find true love, have a family, etc, etc. This is all about me, not about her. The breakup was just the tip of the iceberg, not the iceberg itself. Once I understood that, the next step is finding ways to address the issues. Therapy, books, meditation, spirituality, they all helped. They helped much more than hating her or keep thinking how she played with my feelings. Yeah she did, but it's in the past. It's been long now.

 

I'm sorry if I sound a bit rough but I truly think you'll both benefit from acknowledging that the biggest chunk of the problem lies within you and not because someone broke up and did nasty things to you. Once we realise the big problem lies within ourselves, that we feel inadequate, feel unworthy, feel we'll never conquer big in life, trust me, it will be much easier to address those issues and get out of the hole.

 

It becomes about self caring, being kind to ourselves, building confidence, moving towards the person we want to be and away from the person we don't want to be. We need to be confident that we are worthy, we are good enough and if someone dumps us, well, it is what it is. We can't force someone to like us. As long as we remain true to who we are, it's really not that bad. If they did nasty things, then we just remove them from our lives completely. We need to heal, yeah. It takes time. But I guess that deep inside we all know when it's taking longer than it should.

 

It's no shame to take longer to heal from a breakup, as long as we understand where the pain is coming from. If we feel victimised, it takes MUCH longer because we're still stuck in that part of our lives that we just can't change anymore. If we make it about US and not about THEM, then it's something we can work on and change. Much healthier attitude in my opinion.

 

Sending you all good vibes!

Edited November 27, 2018 by Morello

[Beachead]

I appreciate your advice and I already do much of what you've said but when it comes to time, we get through things at our own pace. Its not for you or anyone to decide when "Too Long" is.

 

I posted that particular post for myself because there are days I need to let loose and be honest with myself.

Edited December 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[fieldoflavender]

I agree with that to an extent. I know I have my own issues too. But the thing is - I am totally set back by the mean things he did to me. If I never met him, I would definitely be less bitter, less mistrusting and have more faith in people/humanity.

 

Yes I am healing and my career never really suffered because of it etc. But emotional scars take longer to heal.

 

Yes there is no role in crying over spilled milk but I guess we all have weak days and that was one of them. Now if I had a boyfriend who was awesome and treated me well - would I remember his sorry a*? No....yet I don't have one lol.

[Sarah_Smiles]

@Morello - I feel like I could definitely fit your comment, I see myself in it, very clearly - sadly. I read somewhere that you have a harder time getting over a heartbreak, loving relationship the longer you were in it, and I knew mine since I was 17 and we went all the way into my twenties, so. I am stuck because I dwell in the past hurts, if I had of been released and known the truths I learned after being turfed(lol?) I would have healed faster, least I think I would have.

[Mac0908]

{snip}

It's no shame to take longer to heal from a breakup, as long as we understand where the pain is coming from. If we feel victimised, it takes MUCH longer because we're still stuck in that part of our lives that we just can't change anymore. If we make it about US and not about THEM, then it's something we can work on and change. Much healthier attitude in my opinion.

 

Sending you all good vibes!

 

Amazing post.

 

Also, @beachead, I feel you man. I know its been a LONG time since your break up now, but that doesn't matter. Scars are still there, and as Morello alluded to, other issues you've gone through in the past help make what you went through with that girl 50x worse. Simply put... let's say she was your first serious thing, and the first girl that said I love you to you, and it ended like it did. Sure you'd be devastated still, but you'd be over it much quicker and you'd be back out there much quicker with it all behind you.

 

I'm very much like you as you know. Great guy, all nice things in my life, good job, in my 30's, but can't seem to ever get the girl. Years of disappointment. Years of frustration. Years of rejection. Then I found someone who i finally, after many years of being stuck in the dating scene, thought I was truly connecting with. It was an absolutely amazing time in my life. Just one year ago. And of course as you know, wouldn't you know it, I would end up getting hurt the worst I ever had in my entire life. Now how is that right or fair on any level? It isn't. Life is just rough and it just sucks sometimes. For some more than others. But we learn to push through. We aren't dying. We are still living.

Edited December 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[KissingFire]

I'm having a bad day today.

 

Having to accept that I was abused in our relationship and truly sitting down and thinking about the awful things he did to me really triggered some soul searching. How could I have loved a man who spat on me, hit me, broke my things constantly and slagged off my family at every chance he got?

 

I am better off without him. I know that.

 

But I still crave his gentle side. The forehead kisses, the affection, the calling me his future wife and mother of his children.

 

He said he loved me before he left me for another woman and I dreamed that she was pregnant the other day. I don't even know what she looks like. I don't even know her name. Every single one of my ex-boyfriends either got engaged or got a woman pregnant within two months of leaving me, so it wouldn't shock me at all.

 

It still knocks me sick that he's been intimate with someone else. But then, so have I. And things are going amazingly great with that guy.

 

I'm scared that my self-loathing and total questioning of myself and why I stayed with someone so horrible will unintentionally ruin this new relationship. I'm fortunate to have a friend who understand and knows *some* of what my ex did to me, so I can rant to him. He understands why I miss the nice side.

 

Oh well.

 

This is the first bad day in a while, so this is good progress.

Edited December 6, 2018 by KissingFire

[hope86]

Life becomes so bland after heartbreak. I can't even watch porn because some pornstar chik reminds me of my ex and that screws me real bad.

 

I feel like my life is slipping away from me and I can't do anything about it unless I push through the pain but the pain is relentless.

Edited December 8, 2018 by hope86

[Beachead]

Amazing post.

 

Also, @beachead, I feel you man. I know its been a LONG time since your break up now, but that doesn't matter. Scars are still there, and as Morello alluded to, other issues you've gone through in the past help make what you went through with that girl 50x worse. Simply put... let's say she was your first serious thing, and the first girl that said I love you to you, and it ended like it did. Sure you'd be devastated still, but you'd be over it much quicker and you'd be back out there much quicker with it all behind you.

 

I'm very much like you as you know. Great guy, all nice things in my life, good job, in my 30's, but can't seem to ever get the girl. Years of disappointment. Years of frustration. Years of rejection. Then I found someone who i finally, after many years of being stuck in the dating scene, thought I was truly connecting with. It was an absolutely amazing time in my life. Just one year ago. And of course as you know, wouldn't you know it, I would end up getting hurt the worst I ever had in my entire life. Now how is that right or fair on any level? It isn't. Life is just rough and it just sucks sometimes. For some more than others. But we learn to push through. We aren't dying. We are still living.

 

I know man. We're stragglers in the relationship life. Sometimes, we make mistakes that directly affect our relationship. Cheating, Physical or emotional abuse. Neglect, Stonewalling. This is not the case with us and people who have been in our situations.

 

You didn't know that girl would go back to her ex the way she did. She did a great job of concealing it. So how could you have known in a case like that? Can you honestly be blamed for what happened in that situation? I don't think so. Doesn't matter how put together you were in your life, or how good you were to her, it wasn't about you. It was her and her wounds were within and it was something that only she could have sorted out. Unfortunately, she like a lot of other people out there, decided not to work on them, use someone else to avoid dealing it, and she burned you because of it. Makes you not trust yourself because you used everything that knew in your life to qualify her as worthy and that decision didn't go well. Makes you wonder if that next girl who seems alright will run that same move on you. How would you know until you know?

 

And that's the thing a lot of people forget. Finding someone who clicks with us isn't something we have control. It's not just about us. It's about them too. We don't know how they'll feel tomorrow. We don't have much control over what happened to them in the past, the baggage they bring into the relationship because of it, how they feel about it, how they feel on a day to day basis, the way they behave or what they choose to do. All we can do is try to be our best selves and take a leap of faith, hoping that the they are just as willing to go through life with us during good and the bad as we are with them. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Some people get lucky and find that person, some people don't. This isn't a Sometimes its our fault, sometimes its theirs. But I'll tell you everytime, it requires 100% of your energy to try. That's why, when it doesn't work out, with the exception of a few cases, nobody can fault you for feeling like sh*t.

 

You don't have to be okay with it. Neither do I. We feel how we feel about our situations. And that's where I'm at in my mind when it comes to this stuff. I already know there's nothing I can do about it but live my life and try to best myself daily and on occasion, help someone regarding the relationships in their life so they don't make the same mistakes I did.

Edited December 8, 2018 by Beachead

[Gillys]

After 2 years of trying to put my life back together, I finally started feeling like my old self again. However, I recently found out that my ex is engaged and getting married soon. I don't know why but this hurts so much. Deep down I knew she would end up marrying the man she left me for because he is wealthy, gregarious, and can provide the life she always wanted. She dumped me because her family was against same sex relationships (even though she told me she likes women more). I didn't want to ruin her relationship with her religious family if she didn't think I was worth fighting for so I had no choice but to walk away after she dumped me and started dating someone else. Before we moved to different cities she asked me not to contact her again so she could get over me completely and give my replacement a fair chance. I respected her boundaries and haven't said a word or engaged with her in anyway on social media in over 2 years. I had a public social media account that she regularly checked until 4 months ago. Our mutual friends still mention her occasionally. They seem to like her fiancé and it seems like she has a great life. Deep down I'm happy for her. I still love her unconditionally (as she was my first love) but man does this news just hurts. It brings up feelings of inadequacy.... It foolishly makes me question whether our time together meant anything or whether I was just an experimental fling or rebound in between relationships

[TheBetterPerson]

The thought of the ex with someone else makes me physically sick, i actually feel pain inside!

I really nearly messaged them today but there is no point at picking at a scab, its just so sad to think they just dont give you a second thought. I dont want to feel this anymore, its heart breaking!

[Chassit]

I am so depressed.

[TheBetterPerson]

I am feeling you here, i feel so badly about messaging him and seeing if hes ok but i really really have to be strong willed and not do that at all costs!

How does one person really alter your head and heart, i have never felt a heavy heart like this... all i keep thinking is hes with her

[Chassit]

Yup, I can relate.

[Sarah_Smiles]

Not fantastic. Took work off again. The closer it gets to Christmas the further I crawl down a deep hole of bleakness. Ho ho ho.

[Twizzlestick]

Feeling numb. Trying to build courage to call time on situation where I’m being strung along post dumped. So the novelty is falsely keeping me elevated. That’ll drop, extremely quickly after I do it.

 

How is it the pain can be so digital? For example the other day when I thought she was keen I felt perfectly normal. Very complacent, found myself laughing at all the things I had been feeling agony over, the memories and they seemed much less frightening. The day after she gives me bad vibes, I feel the anxiety of it being over and it’s like I’ve been shot. My whole world crashes down again, and I’m back to pacing back and forth in my flat in unbearable pain.

[Twizzlestick]

Not fantastic. Took work off again. The closer it gets to Christmas the further I crawl down a deep hole of bleakness. Ho ho ho.

 

 

Christmas is hell for us dumpees. It want to punch a Father Christmas when I see one. Cheerful bastards.

 

Made worse that my ex has said how much she’s looking forward to it (I’m in post dumped limbo being strung). Like no cares in the world. A “and you’re not invited mate”.

[Borntoelevate]

9 months now and I am still thinking of her. I've always thought of myself as a good person, or at least not so bad to the extent that I have this extended pain. If God truly exists, why does he let the pain continue? Am I really that bad a person?