How are you coping today?

[KissingFire]

I cried myself to sleep last night.

 

Forever torturing myself by seeing that he's staying over another woman's house on a work night (something he rarely did with me). I stare at the ceiling wondering what she looks like, if she's younger or older than me, if he even thinks of me or misses me at all. I wonder how he feels knowing he couldn't respect me enough to wait not even a full week to move on from someone who he claimed to love not even three weeks ago.

 

He told me he missed me and that he was so proud of his brave little traveller girl and that he couldn't wait to hold me. One look from another girl was all it took and now I'm here in pieces.

 

I want to storm around his. I want to throw all the teddies, jewellery and things he bought me in his face and rage and let jealousy consume me, but for what? For the hope that we'll get back together and have my perfect fantasy relationship with someone who is broken and abusive? What the hell is wrong with me.

 

Waiting on a call back to hear about me going back to counselling. I always knew I had low self esteem, but now I feel absolutely crushed. He hasn't even been obvious about it, I'm hurting like this from my own fault. If I had just left him blocked, I'd have been none the wiser. Learn your lessons from me, don't unblock them, because when it shows they've moved on the feeling is indescribable.

[hope86]

I like the idea of a dog and talking to terminally ill children. What you would see is what really is important in life. All the ‘distractions’ of life would disappear and you would only care about what matters. Unfortunately my ex was training to be a nurse and seeing anything remotely related to her (ie. other nurses) makes me feel uncomfortable and resurrects bad feelings.

 

I have been seeing a counsellor/therapist who has helped me work through some assumptions I’ve had about the relationship but, they still haven’t helped with the emotional despondence, loneliness, negativity and hopelessness I have been feeling.

 

Volunteering sounds like a good idea, and is something I considered a few months ago, but I suppose I got lazy and never seriously tried it. I was hoping that time, itself, would heal me (that or mixing with other girls).

 

The ultimate solution would be finding a girl as good or better but I don’t think you or I need that. I’ve read your story too hope86, and I know we are in similar situations (deep regret/guilt over the break up, fear we will never find a girl just as good). Of course, finding a new suitable girl will be the ultimate healer and without a new girl, our wounds will never fully heal. But I do believe we can be healed to a sufficient level (90%??) so that we are in a position to have a clear mind to be open to a new girl. Initially, immediately after the break up, I was having a higher level of success with women (a few wanted relationships with me) than I am currently having and I believe that is because, whilst very much wounded, the break up just happened and I had hope I could get over this. Now I am having less success and I believe that’s because my hope is dying and my desperation to find someone new is increasing. Other than suicide and antidepressants (both of which I can do at any time), I am going to try focusing on the development and achievement of my personal goals. I don’t know if these will work, but I figured, I might as well try my very best at doing these. Hopefully they will take away the urgency of finding someone new.

 

Feel free to reach out to me hope86, if you need someone to chat to btw. As I said, I know our stories share quite a few similarities.

 

Thanks I'll ping you soon.

 

But yes it does feel like a losing battle. I just wish I got one chance, ONE FREAKING CHANCE to prove myself to her and for her to see that I'm truly a changed guy but life is just so ****ing cruel and unfair that I feel like this world simply doesn't deserve me.

 

And when someone tells me that you should feel happy for her, I'm like what about my happiness? And geez I know she would've been happy with me because she freaking was when she was with me!

 

I hope I don't ever have to see her face or her new guy's face till I'm married and well and truly over her. Heck I hope I never see her and her new guy cause I honestly dont know how I'll be able to bear that. But as I say that I do want to see her and know what's going on in her life. This duality of heartbreak is why it's the worst and I don't wish it upon my worst enemy.

 

Why we don't get second chances with our exes who we know are our soulmates is the single biggest flaw of life. Seriously, even murderers get second chances.

Edited October 31, 2018 by hope86

[KissingFire]

Another day gone, another night crying myself to sleep.

 

I am doing NC by the book and absolutely nothing is making me feel better. If anything, I get worse and worse by the day. I go out to eat with friends, I go to the cinema, hell I even go on a super casual coffee date with someone. All I can think about is him being with her. I can't even avoid it in my sleep. I don't even know what this woman looks like and yet I can't stop dreaming about her. It is quite literally tearing me apart.

 

What I wouldn't give to hear his voice again.

 

Keep focusing on the bad I tell myself, but then the good slithers in like poison and I feel like I'm suffocating.

 

I just want out of this misery.

[alphamale]

Another day gone, another night crying myself to sleep.

 

I am doing NC by the book and absolutely nothing is making me feel better. If anything, I get worse and worse by the day. I go out to eat with friends, I go to the cinema, hell I even go on a super casual coffee date with someone. All I can think about is him being with her. I can't even avoid it in my sleep. I don't even know what this woman looks like and yet I can't stop dreaming about her. It is quite literally tearing me apart.

 

What I wouldn't give to hear his voice again.

 

Keep focusing on the bad I tell myself, but then the good slithers in like poison and I feel like I'm suffocating.

 

I just want out of this misery.

 

awww, you'll feel better soon, just hang in there

[KissingFire]

awww, you'll feel better soon, just hang in there

 

Thank you, I'll keep trying.

 

I'm just overcome with anger and jealousy. He is going around her place with clothes I chose for him/bought him. Wearing his favourite cologne that I bought him for his birthday. He had nothing nice until I came along and I did everything I could to spoil him and show him the good life.

 

I am full of self-loathing and insecurities tonight. I cannot stomach the thought of kissing someone else and yet he's sleeping in someone else's bed 4 days after dumping me. It hurts like holy hell.

[Beachead]

Thanks Beach. That is really encouraging and makes a lot of sense. I am genuinely thankful to you for pointing that out.

 

<SNIP>

 

I came to the same conclusions that your pops and your therapist did, through my own life experiences and mistakes and I myself try to share what I have learned with many people on here. They're both right.

 

The wounds are within. And when we don't deal with what's really going on inside of us, when we don't take care of ourself or show ourself love..our tank runs emptier and emptier. What is used up is not being refilled quickly enough. Love is giving. Giving of spiritual energy. Forgiving ourself for our flaws and mistakes and what we feel, showing ourself patience, showing ourself kindness and compassion.

 

That means taking a Muai Thai class or going to the gym to get the anger out and to build our physical fitness. It means, studying or upgrading our education to improve our skills and qualifications and learn something new. It means changing jobs and choosing something that makes us feel better. It can mean cutting out bad friends. Choosing activities that excite us and that are in line with our heart so that we can meet new people who are also in line with our heart. They'll get along with us far better. Giving love to ourself is treating ourselves well by investing in ourself. Without this investment, without this giving of love to ourself, we grow emptier and emptier and begin to seek more and more from others, the love lacking within ourselves. When we meet them, they fill fill voids. We feel amazing. Intoxicated. Elated. Happy. But our partners essentially function as heroin or cocaine does to a addict because we are addicts. And that's not the way it should be.

 

The less love there is within, the harder we look. When they leave us, the hardest it is to let go, accept, carry forward becaues our attachment isn't the only thing we have to let go off..we have to coincidently fight other battles inside of us that we aren't aware of because we don't know they exist. We never took the time alone to notice it and feel it and deal with it so we could move passed it. We're broken and we have holes and when they leave, those holes become more pronounced and we need our partners to give us the love and acceptance that we ourselves should have been giving to ourself before we met them.

 

That's why clubbing, alcohol, weed, jumping into new relationships, immersing yourself in work/school/life to try and distract or quiet the pain isn't something I advise. The truth is, to heal, you have to step into the ring, face your fears, your pain, your demons. Round after round, you have to fight them and understand what you are dealing with as you battle through them, so that you learn how to beat them. They are your opponent in your fight.

 

If you bury it, it manifests itself into your behaviour. Becomes a part of your habits. You start to do things that may cause the very problems you are trying to move passed, thereby sabotaging and trapping yourself. Some people never realize how much they are sabotaging their own life...and I'd wager, people tried to tell them, but they couldn't hear or see.

 

This doesn't mean, it's all your fault. This isn't about blame. This isn't about your ex. This is about you and getting you back to your feet. You will never be the same again but we all change anyway as the years pass and that's the point; we live life, we experience, we fall, we learn, we grow, we get better and then we apply what we've learned to our future. If you choose to lay down and quit or pass the blame to others, you take the power out of your hands and you rob yourself of the opportunity you are given here to elevate yourself into something 10 times better than what you were.

 

The thing about heartbreak is, it's one of those rare times in life where you are very in tune with what's going on inside of you. Once life calms down, and things start to feel better (And it will), you'll become complacent, and emotions that could push you to make serious changes in your life won't be strong enough to motivate you. You won't ever have that heightened awareness again unless you face immense grief. This is the time to use it and to start making the changes.

 

I'm turning 32 myself. Been ripped to pieces by people like you. Had wounds within myself I never dealt with since I was probably a kid. I avoided issues, I was unaware of myself. It took me well over a decade to discover everything that I am telling you and to begin applying it to myself. It was not an easy journey. Your pops and your therapist are right.

 

I can tell you are an intelligent guy. Very aware of yourself. You got great support and you making the right moves. Like getting a therapist and confiding on here. Just keep at it. Take it from me and don't give love to others right now. Don't date. Don't be generous with friends. Don't people please. Return it all to yourself. Invest. It'll make a difference.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

 

Ps. @Hope86 This post if for you too. .

Edited November 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hope86]

Hey Beach. So nice to read your post. I had a question for you - When do the flashbacks stop? I mean I'm cooking or doing some activity and suddenly a flashback with my ex comes and I lose control and don't feel like working.

 

The trouble I have is that I've not really had any good relationships, some were one-sided, some were just crushes or puppy love. This one was serious and was a step away from marriage so my fear is that I might never find a girl who is both decent looking and sweet natured. Usually they're pretty and bad natured or ugly and good natured. This one time I got lucky with a keeper if you will and I feel like I wont get another one like this again and hence why I feel I'll never recover.

Edited November 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed unnessary quoting. ~V

[Borntoelevate]

Thanks I'll ping you soon.

 

But yes it does feel like a losing battle. I just wish I got one chance, ONE FREAKING CHANCE to prove myself to her and for her to see that I'm truly a changed guy but life is just so ****ing cruel and unfair that I feel like this world simply doesn't deserve me.

 

And when someone tells me that you should feel happy for her, I'm like what about my happiness? And geez I know she would've been happy with me because she freaking was when she was with me!

 

I hope I don't ever have to see her face or her new guy's face till I'm married and well and truly over her. Heck I hope I never see her and her new guy cause I honestly dont know how I'll be able to bear that. But as I say that I do want to see her and know what's going on in her life. This duality of heartbreak is why it's the worst and I don't wish it upon my worst enemy.

 

Why we don't get second chances with our exes who we know are our soulmates is the single biggest flaw of life. Seriously, even murderers get second chances.

 

I am responding to each of these posts individually as I read them so I haven’t read any posts subsequent to this one I am responding to. I will respond to them individually as well.

 

I know our break up situations are very similar (ie. the regret/guilt), though I don’t know how long it has been for you since the breakup. For me, it is now 7 months. Whether I can provide some comfort (or hopelessness) assuming I’ve been in the grieving process longer is subjective, but I did want to address some of your comments. Bear in mind, I am still very much not over my ex. There’s (essentially) no more tears, just a huge sense of hopelessness and a big question mark over whether I will be happy again. I have gone through an immense amount of reflection, trialling activities to get over her etc. and concomitantly, I go through good and bad days (admittedly, still mostly bad – say 75% of time is bad).

 

With all the said though, as hard as this is for me to swallow, I am starting to realise these points:

 

1) Yes, we MAY never find someone as good as our exes. Being conservative, I’ll go with never. But what I’ve realised is that I will just have to man up, wise up and accept that I cannot have everything perfect. Even if my next partner, initially doesn’t seem perfect, in time I will accept her as ‘near’ perfect. Many things in life aren’t perfect unfortunately. I struggled and STILL struggle with this point a lot. I think to myself, how will I ever accept a girl who isn’t equal/better than her (sexy, good looks, loyal, committed, generous, caring, giving, thoughtful, younger than me, good with savings, family orientated – the list goes on). I probably won’t and in time, my mind will accept the alternative (whatever that may be). In time, I will love the new partner. I need to learn to appreciate what I have now, that at least I have a good job, money, a healthy body, a loving family, a determined mind, friends and I live in a free country.

 

2) I am not sure if you know or have seen evidence of a new guy. For me, I saw the photo of her, in the arms of another man. This was dated 2 months after our break up but I saw it 3 months after our break up (a friend sent it to me since my ex made all her facebook photos private). The caption read “You turn me into a goof ball every time you kiss the back of my hand and hold it tightly in yours. Thank you for making my heart beat again #stuckinthemoment with you”. I screamed at the top of my lungs for one whole day, which caused me to lose my voice for a whole week. I was f***ing traumatised from that photo and now even 3 months later, my heart beats faster and I feel weak whenever I relive that moment. It hurt and it still hurts… but I can say for sure that it doesn’t hurt as much as it did. I cried for the whole day and burst into tears every time I told people of the photo. If I had a gun, I would have surely shot myself the moment I saw the photo, but having said all that, it gets better. The intensity has lessened (even only a little bit). I suppose what I am trying to say here is that, the pain, however slowly, at least from my experience is reduced. I like to compare it to a knife. The first time I saw that photo, the knife is sashimi grade sharp (ultra sharp). Now the knife is still there, but the blade has dulled some.

 

Excuse me if the above post doesn’t read well. I wanted to communicate my experience across to you and this community, but I want avoid reliving the experience as much as possible. Proof reading what I have written is another way of reliving it and I want to limit that (especially point 2).

[Beachead]

Hey Beach. So nice to read your post. I had a question for you - When do the flashbacks stop? I mean I'm cooking or doing some activity and suddenly a flashback with my ex comes and I lose control and don't feel like working.

 

The trouble I have is that I've not really had any good relationships, some were one-sided, some were just crushes or puppy love. This one was serious and was a step away from marriage so my fear is that I might never find a girl who is both decent looking and sweet natured. Usually they're pretty and bad natured or ugly and good natured. This one time I got lucky with a keeper if you will and I feel like I wont get another one like this again and hence why I feel I'll never recover.

 

 

Wish I could give you a time-frame but I can't because there is no timing with these things. I can however tell you a few things: Everyone on here knows how bad those flashbacks are. Your pain is caused by your guilt and that guilt is going to keep you stuck. The severity of your flashbacks will diminish when you let go of that guilt or regret.

 

I bolded all the words and statements in your post indicative of fear of being alone. Those fears are pulling, pushing, twisting your emotions. Making you feel like this woman was the one. The soul-mate you let get away from you. That's what's causing your guilt, enhancing your pain. Making it all feel terrible. She wasn't your soul-mate though. You would have seen how great of a catch she was for you while you were still with her. Even if you didn't and you two broke up, the girl who was meant for you would have forgiven you. Shown patience. Show compassion. Find their way back to you and given it another chance because she couldn't see herself with anyone else. It would have worked out.

 

But instead she moved on. What that all tells me is you two were not meant for one another. Not at that period of time. And that's something you have to make peace with. The fact that you haven't is what's causing you guilt. Guilt, regret, hope..these are very powerful feelings that haunts us and can keep us stuck on a person or a situation for years..maybe even all our life. Understanding the big picture of our situation is how we learn to get passed it. You blame yourself and think you were at fault. It's not your fault. It's no one's fault.

 

My tip to you is when you are going to therapy, joining new activities, socializing, maybe changing jobs or starting school, going to the gym, travelling or what not..don't do these things to escape the pain of the past because it will only be a distraction...a painkiller. Eventually, none of it will work for you. Painkillers eventually lose their effect and then you need a higher dose. Instead, make these developments about building yourself. To become a better version of yourself than yesterday. To find a life of your own that actually makes you smile and lights you up. That passion and energy you get from it will radiate out of your behaviour and body language and people will pick up on and feel attracted to it. You'll find people who are better for you and people who are more in line with who you are when you are living a life that is closer to what your heart desires.

 

This journey can't be about a single person. Has to be for you.

 

- Beach

[Borntoelevate]

I came to the same conclusions that your pops and your therapist did, through my own life experiences and mistakes and I myself try to share what I have learned with many people on here. They're both right.

 

<SNIP>

 

That post really spoke to me. Thanks Beach. In fact it spoke to me so much that I underlined sentences in your post. I want to copy and paste the email I wrote back to my dad (dated 2 days ago). It pretty much surmises the same realisations that you are communicating across (email is unedited except for my name):

 

“Dad, I can't take antidepressants because of this:

 

If I succumb to taking antidepressants, that is basically me admitting that I can't face difficulties. I am saying to my future self that, alone, I am not strong enough to face problems. This will not only hurt my confidence in terms of connecting with girls, but it will also shake my confidence in being able to handle the future. I will be the head of a family in the future - what sort of leader would I be if I caved to antidepressants?

 

No. I either face this problem head on, and fight through it, or die. I would rather suicide than take antidepressants because it will just mean I am not strong enough to face future problems (which there will be plenty). I make my stand here or die trying. I know both you and mummy are afraid of me committing suicide, honestly, I am as well. But taking antidepressants and living on is like living the rest of your life in fear, or living the rest of your life on a life support machine - you always have this thing at the back of your mind that you feel you are vulnerable to. I won't be able to live the rest of my life with confidence of my capabilities. I will always be questioning myself, doubting my abilities.

 

My ex is strong. Strong in the sense that she has accepted that the partner she is now with, is probably not the ideal (ie. looks wise, excitement wise), but he is someone who is stable, probably earns decently and would be a good father. She has the foresight and maturity to accept that the world is not perfect, that sometimes we have to live with second best for the rest of our lives. In this regard, she is quite ahead of me in mental fortitude. I was brought up having the best (or almost the best) in almost every area of my life. I had the best hospital treatment, the best toys, the best computers, the best food. As a result, even at this age, I struggle to accept things that aren't the best (or most suitable) in my opinion, including partners. In my eyes, my ex was the best, and I can't accept (at least at this stage) someone that is less than this.

 

The other thing to note is life is filled with experiences, both good and bad. For a while, with my ex, I was (in hindsight) having a good time. Now, I am experiencing a bad time. Bad times (like good times) don't necessarily come around that often (at least we hope not). But we grow a lot during bad times. With that in mind, I should take advantage of this bad time (which may not come around again for a while) to learn, grow and evolve to a better person - Borntoelevate 2.0 if you will.

 

Whilst I struggle with this idea right now, eventually I may have to accept a girl who is not perfect or the most suitable, but has the essential qualities I desire to make my future stable, coherent and fruitful. I think my depression at this stage is partly a loss of my ex, but also my inability to deal with a severe tragedy. I think, given how long it has gone on for, my depression now says more about me than it does about the break up. Essentially these 'flaws' in me would surface, if not from the break up, in another capacity in the future.”

 

Thank you, Beach, for contributions.

Edited November 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hope86]

I am responding to each of these posts individually as I read them so I haven’t read any posts subsequent to this one I am responding to. I will respond to them individually as well.

<SNIP>

 

Damn I can feel your sorrow in the 2nd point. I'm not strong I really am not so I hope to god I never have to see that. I'm sorry your friend sent you that pic, I wish he hadn't.

 

For the first point, I have no idea how I'll settle with another person. Some say it's a thousand times better to be single than in a bad marriage so there's that. Ofcourse the flipside is the loneliness.

Edited November 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Borntoelevate]

Hey Beach. So nice to read your post. I had a question for you - When do the flashbacks stop? I mean I'm cooking or doing some activity and suddenly a flashback with my ex comes and I lose control and don't feel like working.

 

The trouble I have is that I've not really had any good relationships, some were one-sided, some were just crushes or puppy love. This one was serious and was a step away from marriage so my fear is that I might never find a girl who is both decent looking and sweet natured. Usually they're pretty and bad natured or ugly and good natured. This one time I got lucky with a keeper if you will and I feel like I wont get another one like this again and hence why I feel I'll never recover.

 

I thought I’d add my 2 cents here. I wasn’t able to accept this advice immediately after the break up. Even now (7 months later) I still am not fully able to accept it. But what I am coming to terms with (at least to some degree) is that even IF I can’t find a girl just as good, I will have to accept it regardless. That sounds harsh, so a more palatable version is that my mind will eventually accept the ‘second best’ and it will become the best or at least will be decent enough to love. I kind of liken it to happiness. We see mentally disabled kids/adults in wheel chairs who are in their own world. To us, we pity them and see that they are incapable of achieving much due to their limitations, but to them, they are (I assume) extremely happy and content. It’s like, if you knew bashing your head with a hammer would disable you but would give you (from your perspective) lifelong happiness/enlightenment/fulfilment, would you do it (provided you could guarantee someone would always be able to take care of you forever)? Sure you would be disabled, but you’d be happy forever. I suppose what I am saying here is, you will eventually be happy with your new partner, even though, from an absolute perspective, your ex WAS/IS better. I guess I am also saying, the mind is very malleable and adjusts.

 

Like you, I too believe I was lucky. She had just gotten out of a break up and I ‘caught’ her for the 1 month she was single. We connected well and I had a lot going for me (job wise, money wise, looks, ambition etc.). At one point I asked her, “why are you still with me?” (stupid me for asking this) and she said “because I believe you will be a good father”.

 

Also like you, I also haven’t had many good relationships. I also share the believe that good looking girls are either: arrogant (standards too high), problems (divorcee with kids/drug addict) or are taken. I ultimately can’t find a solution to this.

 

At the moment though, I am working with a mentor. He’s suggested I dedicate myself to doing my Miracle Morning everyday (at least that stops the painful morning thoughts for a while) and develop goals for each of the following areas of my life: wealth (job), health and relationships. I haven’t discussed my goals with him yet, but for the moment, I’ve thought my wealth goal would be getting accredited with an additional certificate (which would enhance my career). My health goal would ideally be focusing more on meditation (or yoga) as I’ve always practiced this but never felt I was getting benefit (already I gym 5 times a week and eat extremely healthy). Not sure about my relationships goal yet. Failing which, I can go on antidepressants and failing which, of course, suicide.

 

But I don’t want to go straight for antidepressants because I believe this current situation is so rich with learning and growth potential that I should exploit it. As Beach mentioned, these ‘golden’ moments don’t come around often (it was 4 years ago that I actually had such a calamity to deal with). If I can pull through and learn along the way, my confidence will shoot sky high, I will be a more centered person (more sure of myself) and I will be so ready for a new girl to treat the way my ex should have been treated.

[Borntoelevate]

Wish I could give you a time-frame but I can't because there is no timing with these things. I can however tell you a few things: Everyone on here knows how bad those flashbacks are. Your pain is caused by your guilt and that guilt is going to keep you stuck. The severity of your flashbacks will diminish when you let go of that guilt or regret.

 

I bolded all the words and statements in your post indicative of fear of being alone. Those fears are pulling, pushing, twisting your emotions. Making you feel like this woman was the one. The soul-mate you let get away from you. That's what's causing your guilt, enhancing your pain. Making it all feel terrible. She wasn't your soul-mate though. You would have seen how great of a catch she was for you while you were still with her. Even if you didn't and you two broke up, the girl who was meant for you would have forgiven you. Shown patience. Show compassion. Find their way back to you and given it another chance because she couldn't see herself with anyone else. It would have worked out.

 

But instead she moved on. What that all tells me is you two were not meant for one another. Not at that period of time. And that's something you have to make peace with. The fact that you haven't is what's causing you guilt. Guilt, regret, hope..these are very powerful feelings that haunts us and can keep us stuck on a person or a situation for years..maybe even all our life. Understanding the big picture of our situation is how we learn to get passed it. You blame yourself and think you were at fault. It's not your fault. It's no one's fault.

 

My tip to you is when you are going to therapy, joining new activities, socializing, maybe changing jobs or starting school, going to the gym, travelling or what not..don't do these things to escape the pain of the past because it will only be a distraction...a painkiller. Eventually, none of it will work for you. Painkillers eventually lose their effect and then you need a higher dose. Instead, make these developments about building yourself. To become a better version of yourself than yesterday. To find a life of your own that actually makes you smile and lights you up. That passion and energy you get from it will radiate out of your behaviour and body language and people will pick up on and feel attracted to it. You'll find people who are better for you and people who are more in line with who you are when you are living a life that is closer to what your heart desires.

 

This journey can't be about a single person. Has to be for you.

 

- Beach

 

The part I highlighted in bold makes a lot of sense. Initially, after the break up, I started taking Krav Maga classes. I also joined some badminton socials and I also went out nightclubbing/bars. They were distractions but I don’t feel healed from these.

[KissingFire]

I'm not good again.

 

I can't stop crying. No matter how happy I am during the day, the night comes and takes away all my smiles. I am so deeply hurt that he's moved on and honestly? It doesn't feel like I'm ever going to feel better. I cannot get over the betrayal. I cannot move on when the last thing he said is that he loved me, to go and sleep in someone else's bed four days later.

 

I am bitter. I am doing everything right, but I am still not feeling any better. I am torturing myself knowing that he's sleeping with someone else. He may not have cheated on me but he might as well have done. He was waiting for me to get home from travelling so he could dump me so he could sleep with her. I may not have been a great girlfriend to him recently but I didn't deserve this.

[divegrl]

I think I need to start wearing a ring again. Sometimes I like men asking me out. Sometimes I don’t. This guy.... he reminded me of You.

 

I seem to only be attracted to the wrong types of guys. I prayed and God has given me a great friend who is the same as me. We are only attracted to commitment phones. Deep down I am terrified of commitment. I always push good men away.

 

I don’t know anymore.

 

I think I just need to go diving.

[Chassit]

I am so depressed today. I can't see that I will ever be wanted by anybody again. I can't understand why she would do this to me after all of these years. Is there even any point?

[KissingFire]

I have not cried today, and I honestly think that the numbness has set in. I have to trust that this is what is meant to be for now, even though it hurts like holy hell.

 

I wish the dreams would stop. I think I'd cope better if I didn't dread going to sleep every night.

[hope86]

When I look at even single guys now I feel any one of these guys could be my ex's new guy. What a weird but sick feeling.

 

The worst part is not knowing if I'm recovering.

[JP92]

Went on my first date since the B/U and had a pretty fun time. While I don't think it'll lead to anything, it definitely felt good to get out and enjoy a evening with someone else. As each day passes, the past hurts less and less. The memories are still stuck in my head, but they don't hurt anything like they did before....i've almost become fully indifferent.

 

I will say that dating is almost too mentally taxing for me. I realized the other night that there are so many things at risk and the odds of things ending well for the long-term aren't good. Maybe that's me being negative, but I am still far from ready to pursue something long-term after what I experienced earlier this year. I feel almost fully healed and don't want to risk a pain like that again until I am where I want to be at in my life.

[divegrl]

I’m so sorry I lied. I was so broken at the time. I should have just said no. Walked away. I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t run away. I didn’t understand.

 

What made me stay so long? I’m not sure. He said I was walking away with his heart. I’m so sorry. He told me that he would be devastated. I’m so sorry. I feel like I’ve left a big mess. Ugh.

 

I’m sorry. I’m healing myself full so I don’t hurt another. I think because of all the pain I had been thru, I justified my actions.

 

I’m sorry

Please forgive me

I love you

Thank you

[KissingFire]

Starting to accept that he left me so he could go and f*ck another girl.

 

The realisation of that reality is incredibly daunting, but also quite liberating. He lied to my face and gave me reasons and "I'm not gonna' be right for a long time" and blah blah blah, when reason X was so that he could sleep with the first girl whose given him attention since me.

 

I am making peace with that, and I deserve better.

[KissingFire]

I'm so down today. I've been crying all morning, thinking about how he was begging for my help and I didn't give it to him. How him wanting to see me used to irritate me because he couldn't understand that I was busy, now I'd give anything to go back in time and see him again. All he wanted was my love and attention and I always had something better to do.

[Beachead]

The part I highlighted in bold makes a lot of sense. Initially, after the break up, I started taking Krav Maga classes. I also joined some badminton socials and I also went out nightclubbing/bars. They were distractions but I don’t feel healed from these.

 

Yea man. When you are using it as an escape from the pain, it doesn't work, because as soon as the day is done and you lie in your bed, those unresolved thoughts will creep into your mind and mess you up.

 

It's good to keep busy and join activities but it is just as important to allow time for yourself..quiet alone time..to face these issues and grieve. The quiet, allows you to hear what you are thinking and feeling. Sometimes it takes awhile because there is so much noise in your head. Peoples expectations. Things you have to complete tomorrow. Anxiety from work or what not. But with a lot of alone time, the noise in your mind will subside.

 

You can write these thoughts down AKA journaling. After awhile, you'll start to patterns in your thinking. Amongst those patterns, you'll find a particular train of thought that actually help reduce the pain or even take it away altogether or a train of thought that may give you strength. It's good to immediately jot those thoughts down as well because this way when you get weak again and you will, you can use that to help you get your mind right. You can also use the journaling as a way to track your progress. You don't have to write everyday. I only write during the hardest of times.

Sometimes I might do 2 entries a day for a week or two. Sometimes it might be an entry every few days. Sometimes I go months or well over a year without writing if I feel okay. When it gets rough, you can go back and read them. I would even go as far as to colour code the different kinds of thoughts using highlighters. For example, motivating thoughts can be yellow, sad thoughts can be blue.

 

I also agree with you when it comes to anti-depressants as I feel like a lot of our troubles can be minimized using the mind itself. I do get anxiety attacks at times in the night. I combat it by getting up and walking around and doing something in the night to break the thoughts. It helps. I also immediately get into meditation and focus on slowing my breathing down.

 

Meditation is always a good thing. If you close your eyes and try picture and hold the image of a tree or a bird or your computer or anything in your mind..you'll find that it's extremely difficult to do. That's how chaotic our minds are. Practicing meditation helps us hold that image or concentrate on one particular thing which is very applicable to our life. Things such as dealing with work anxiety or stress. In cases like here on loveshack..it helps us sort through our emotions during overwhelming periods of time to get to a state of mind where we can reason and rationalize our way through our pain. Takes a lot of time and practice everyday just like anything else, since it is a skill. But, it is a spiritually elevating skill. I'm still learning but I've seen the benefits from my dad who has done it well over a decade now. He can slow his heart rate down while he does it.

 

Other tools you can try are ASMR, white noise or relaxing sound (Ex. Rain, Airplane cabin noises) videos on youtube for the nights. Weight training, cardio or both can help release positive chemicals that can help you perceive your pain in a more productive manner. It can also improve your confidence when you begin to realize the physical benefits. There are ways medicinal ways. Medications will help with relief but won't help us learn how to deal the pain or help us learn how to work through our struggles and overcome it. Robs us of that development as you mentioned. That's my opinion anyway.

 

Anyway, I'll leave you with that. Stay strong man.

 

- Beach

Edited November 5, 2018 by Beachead

[Borntoelevate]

Thanks Beach and hope you are well. I agree with a lot of the practices you mention.

 

This morning was exceptionally hard for me. I didn’t think I could get out of bed and almost thought of calling in sick for work (not that I was actually sick, just had a huge sense of hopelessness/guilt. I had a huge realisation of how much of an ass I was to my ex, no wonder she moved on so easily and forgot about me without regret). I try to journal everyday as you mentioned and today my journal composed mostly of asking God for forgiveness. It doesn’t feel like he is forgiving me (at least not yet) but I really do feel I have learned my lesson so I ask, why hasn’t he forgiven me yet?

 

My focus now, as I may have mentioned in my earlier posts, is to be as busy as possible with adding value to my own life. Develop goals to work on and working towards those (and putting getting a new gf on the side lines for now).

 

Knowing that my ex has moved on with her life and is progressing towards having a stable family and future, hurts. I wish I was the one she was having a family with but I guess I don’t deserve it. I ****ed up and I need to pay for my sins. No one will know if she is truly happy though.

One thing I’d like to ask is, how do you know that we will recover? It is over 7 months for me now and I still think of my ex a lot. It is a horrible experience because you long for something so much, but you can’t have it. You can’t even see it because doing so would just cause you more pain.

Edited November 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Jmurray1990]

Today been stressful my ex is coming over to Scotland from Spain to pick up her stuff thats left at my house. picture, jacket and snowboarding trouser (she lives in Spain) haha.

 

i really don't see the point of her coming we haven't been speaking (only limited contact) because we have a son together. i really don't want her to come over, my parents said they would go over to spain get my son, because i would want to spend time with them as a family and be back to square one (heartbroken) .

 

it was the first house i bought when we had are son, until we moved to Spain to be closer to her family. so emotions will be high if all of us were back in the house. ill message her next few days tell her that if she comes across i will be staying away and she won't be seeing me, see if that changes her mind.