How are you coping today?

[Morello]

Unfortunately I have tried therapy, but perhaps not consistently and not more than for a few months. Regardless, I haven’t yielded significant results (though I have reached some insights regarding my ex). Still, after each session, I still revert back to my depressive state. I talk to my mother consistently when I am feeling particularly lonely or despondent, but again, it only helps whilst the other person is present to speak to you. Once they leave, I feel lonely. I have tried dating in various capacities (ie. semi-gfs to FWBs) but I lose passion for each and every girl I am with. I can’t seem to summon any love for them. Something doesn’t feel genuine when I am with them. Add to this, I’ve tried social activities (social sports), consistently going out to bars/nightclubs, gym, gratitude journal, eating extremely healthy and new hobbies (krav maga). I’ve also tried meditating consistently for 20 minutes each day for about 5 months, but didn’t feel any different so stopped. I even tried praying (despite being agnostic) but that hasn’t helped.

 

Whilst doing all the above activities, I also had high hopes for the 6 months post break up day because I was told that it is generally when people who have had severe break ups recover, but this hasn’t proved correct at all. In fact, I don’t feel any rest bite from the sadness. It honestly still feels like the break up was 2 months ago. I can’t genuinely smile. There isn’t much more I can think of that would help and I am honestly starting to panic that I will never ever fully recover and my early 30’s (supposedly the prime for a male) will be wasted. I read that a poster on here is over 1 year post break up and still struggles with the guilt/regret he feels (which is what I feel) and reading that made me really scared. I feel the only real solution would be to find a decent girl who hits all my attraction triggers, but such a girl would only be possible once I’ve healed myself internally, but I feel I would need to meet that person to be able to fully heal internally (a catch 22).

 

I feel comforted when I focus on suicide. I don’t know why, but perhaps it’s because it feels like I am once again in control of my future (instead of the unknown of whether I will find a decent girl or not). I pray at night when in bed, that I will die in my sleep.

 

Well if you feel that urge to be in control the whole time then, unfortunately, you are in for a tough ride.

 

If there's one thing we know about life is that we have little control over most of the outcomes, especially those including external circumstances. Relationships are one of those things. We can't control how people feel about us and their feelings can change (for the better or worse) in a matter of hours or even minutes.

 

One thing that is under our control, however, is how we feel about ourselves. All the things you have done, you appear to have done them to get your ex back. You're still hoping she will come back and has not accepted the reality yet.

 

When you fight reality, you get stuck. Once you start accepting that the break up occurred and now you have to heal and move on to your next chapter, maybe things will start to look brighter for you. Until then, no therapy, meditation, gym, or leisure activity will help much.

 

If you dwell in hope, you won't move on. Most people who take ages to heal from a break up are those who don't accept the reality and keep hoping for a comeback or a chance to make things different. Couples who break up and get back together in a healthy and lasting relationship are a very rare thing. I don't think I know any cases personally but people say they exist

[Borntoelevate]

Well if you feel that urge to be in control the whole time then, unfortunately, you are in for a tough ride.

 

If there's one thing we know about life is that we have little control over most of the outcomes, especially those including external circumstances. Relationships are one of those things. We can't control how people feel about us and their feelings can change (for the better or worse) in a matter of hours or even minutes.

 

One thing that is under our control, however, is how we feel about ourselves. All the things you have done, you appear to have done them to get your ex back. You're still hoping she will come back and has not accepted the reality yet.

 

When you fight reality, you get stuck. Once you start accepting that the break up occurred and now you have to heal and move on to your next chapter, maybe things will start to look brighter for you. Until then, no therapy, meditation, gym, or leisure activity will help much.

 

If you dwell in hope, you won't move on. Most people who take ages to heal from a break up are those who don't accept the reality and keep hoping for a comeback or a chance to make things different. Couples who break up and get back together in a healthy and lasting relationship are a very rare thing. I don't think I know any cases personally but people say they exist

 

Personally I am pretty sure I have accepted the break up (I never like to be absolutely confident as I am still learning about myself and I believe there's always scope for someone to be wrong). I can say, in all honesty, that the activities I've done have been intended purely as a distraction (krav maga) or aimed at self improvement (gym, reading, meditation).

 

I lost all hope of getting my ex back when I saw a photo of her in the hands of her new boyfriend. I detailed this in a previous post but they were in Carlton Gardens, Victoria, Australia. Her hands were around his neck, and his hands around her butt. She was smiling, he wasn't. The caption read "you turn me into a goof ball every time you kiss the back of my hand and hold it tightly in yours. Thanks for making my heart beat again #stuckinthemoment with you". This photo is burned in my memory and I cry every time I re-live it.

 

The effect it had though, was I lost all hope, but it didn't stop me from still loving her and thinking about her. Even to this day, I still obsess about her and the mood that my thoughts of her put me in, overlay most of my daily activities.

 

What bothers me most now is that I am STILL affected by this. She has moved on 100% and I know I am not even an inkling of a thought anymore. All the memories of me have been replaced by this new guy she has. All the little sweet, romantic, cute things we did have been steam rolled over by the cute sweet things she now does with this new guy. Given her appearance, she has had the advantage of quickly finding a new guy, but since I've been broken inside, I've struggled to re-establish the free flowing confidence I had when I first met her (and that a lot of girls were attracted to).

 

There's no point in talking about the past though. I am sick and tired of focusing on the past. That's what leads me to suicidal thoughts. I go back and forth. Though knowing that I can suicide is comforting (ie. thus the accumulation of pain killers, chloroform and alcohol). It's like I can pull the trigger if I really need to. But contrary to what I said a few hours ago, I really DON'T want to suicide. I am not only scared of it, but believe I still have a lot to live for. I am a 32 yr old male, very athletic, handsome (I think), financially very stable (able to raise a family on my own), good job, motivated/ambitious, have a good family background and now much more mature in terms of what I want in a girl. A lot of the girls (but not all) I've been on a date with since the break up have been keen to have a relationship with me, but I haven't been interested.

 

Having said all that, of course I would take my ex back if she wanted. This is a hope, but I know not a realistic hope. The hope itself, doesn't govern my daily actions or thoughts. What I think about most is the regret. There were a lot of things she wanted to do that I didn't embellish (ie. going on country trips, wineries etc.). Most of the girls I date now, whilst not as attractive, also have those hobbies and that hurts because I think to myself, "I now have less quality girls, but have to effectively do the same thing I would have had to do with my ex (if not more)". This, regret, is what eats me. This is just one example, but there are numerous others. Admittedly, time has slowly blunted the pain of these thoughts, but they are still very prevalent in my mind even after 7 months.

 

So it is really the memories of how neglectful I was, that resurrect the guilt/regret. These cycle around in my head every day without rest. Breaking this cycle is what I am struggling with and only stops when I am distracted (again, gym, krav maga, in therapy or being social). When these thoughts are too much and plunge me into depression, that's when I think of suicide, or when I date and I don't see any evidence that I will meet a decent girl, I lose hope and fall into depression and contemplate suicide.

[divegrl]

I know the feeling.

 

Care to talk about it?

 

Hi Cora!

 

Sorry you are feeling the same. When I started dating, I just wanted a partner to love and spend time with. I did not know I would need a PHd in psychology or human behavior. The emotional roller coaster and mind trickery that I have been on with these last relationships has left me a bit tired.

 

And what has triggered this, is another guy has come back.... again. They come, they go..... they come back. I feel like I have lost my intuition on what’s acceptable. I plan to just take a break for my own spiritual and emotional health.

 

Would love to hear how you are. I hope you have a beautiful day friend.

[Cora]

Hi Cora!

 

Sorry you are feeling the same. When I started dating, I just wanted a partner to love and spend time with. I did not know I would need a PHd in psychology or human behavior. The emotional roller coaster and mind trickery that I have been on with these last relationships has left me a bit tired.

 

And what has triggered this, is another guy has come back.... again. They come, they go..... they come back. I feel like I have lost my intuition on what’s acceptable. I plan to just take a break for my own spiritual and emotional health.

 

Would love to hear how you are. I hope you have a beautiful day friend.

 

Ugh I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can definitely relate which is why I’ve taken a break from dating for the foreseeable future. Had to do it for my own sanity.

 

I’m doing well...thank you for asking. Just dealing with work issues that I’m

Sorting out. Hope things start to look up for you soon and I hope you have a beautiful day as well. Sending happy vibes your way.

[Beachead]

Hi Cora!

 

Sorry you are feeling the same. When I started dating, I just wanted a partner to love and spend time with. I did not know I would need a PHd in psychology or human behavior. The emotional roller coaster and mind trickery that I have been on with these last relationships has left me a bit tired.

 

And what has triggered this, is another guy has come back.... again. They come, they go..... they come back. I feel like I have lost my intuition on what’s acceptable. I plan to just take a break for my own spiritual and emotional health.

 

Would love to hear how you are. I hope you have a beautiful day friend.

 

Oh I hear that.

 

As much as we can speculate and use past experiences to evaluate what a current situation with someone might be like, there's just no way to truly know until you know and the only way to know is to go in and see. It's tough when consistently doesn't work out. Very depleting.

Edited October 23, 2018 by Beachead

[JayHarris]

Not doing too well. Developed a stomach ulcer and my health has been slowly worsening. At the rate I am going, I'd be surprised if I make it many more years. Battling numerous stresses and depression has made 2018 easily the worst year of my life. Death, heartbreak, and failure all along the same timeline has made me feel as dead inside as a person can feel. I've tried everything but it hasn't helped. Therapy, yoga, exercise, social gatherings, etc.

 

 

I may physically be present but mentally I am non-existent. I'm in my 20s and was always told I looked like I was in HS. Now I look like I am in my 50s. I've aged terribly and just feel sick all the time. I think I have severe depression. Doesn't feel good to admit but I find it so hard to feel anything other than sadness.

Edited October 23, 2018 by JayHarris

[Logo]

Hi Cora!

 

Sorry you are feeling the same. When I started dating, I just wanted a partner to love and spend time with. I did not know I would need a PHd in psychology or human behavior. The emotional roller coaster and mind trickery that I have been on with these last relationships has left me a bit tired.

 

And what has triggered this, is another guy has come back.... again. They come, they go..... they come back. I feel like I have lost my intuition on what’s acceptable. I plan to just take a break for my own spiritual and emotional health.

 

Would love to hear how you are. I hope you have a beautiful day friend.

 

 

 

 

I have learned through my experiences that when they come back, it's not going to work out absent a major personality change. It didn't work out the first time. There's a good chance it's not going to work the second time.

[Logo]

....................

[Logo]

Not doing too well. Developed a stomach ulcer and my health has been slowly worsening. At the rate I am going, I'd be surprised if I make it many more years. Battling numerous stresses and depression has made 2018 easily the worst year of my life. Death, heartbreak, and failure all along the same timeline has made me feel as dead inside as a person can feel. I've tried everything but it hasn't helped. Therapy, yoga, exercise, social gatherings, etc.

 

 

I may physically be present but mentally I am non-existent. I'm in my 20s and was always told I looked like I was in HS. Now I look like I am in my 50s. I've aged terribly and just feel sick all the time. I think I have severe depression. Doesn't feel good to admit but I find it so hard to feel anything other than sadness.

 

 

 

 

Can you go on vacation?

 

 

 

Sometimes something as simple as a walk an hour before sunset can make you feel really good, too.

 

 

 

I'm in my 20s and was always told I looked like I was in HS.

 

 

You've probably heard this already, but you're in your 20s and you've got a looooong life ahead of you.

 

 

 

We're only in our 20s once. Take advantage of it any way you can. I know things look bleak right now, but they're not always going to be that way.

 

 

 

The most precious commodity in life is time. If I could be in my 20s again......

[divegrl]

Ugh I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can definitely relate which is why I’ve taken a break from dating for the foreseeable future. Had to do it for my own sanity.

 

I’m doing well...thank you for asking. Just dealing with work issues that I’m

Sorting out. Hope things start to look up for you soon and I hope you have a beautiful day as well. Sending happy vibes your way.

 

Thanks Cora. Exactly. Just focusing on oneself is very lovely. I used to love the excitement, rush and butterflies in stomach of meeting someone new. Now I just want someone I feel peace with. I figure the only thing way is to keep living my life. And hopefully he will start walking beside me.

 

I’m so sorry about your work. I hope it resolves soon. Sending joy my friend.

[divegrl]

I have learned through my experiences that when they come back, it's not going to work out absent a major personality change. It didn't work out the first time. There's a good chance it's not going to work the second time.

 

Yes, yes. I know, I know.

 

How are you doing today Logo?

[divegrl]

Oh I hear that.

 

As much as we can speculate and use past experiences to evaluate what a current situation with someone might be like, there's just no way to truly know until you know and the only way to know is to go in and see. It's tough when consistently doesn't work out. Very depleting.

 

Yes my friend. Finding joy in the present moment is all we can do. Have a beautiful day friend.

[Sarah_Smiles]

I understand. I was robbed of my time and the love I had to give, by a few unfortunate relationships. Nothing to do now but make a home out of the disaster they left behind.

 

True, but it hurts seeing and knowing they caused the problem and then to quickly take another jump at it land on their romantic feet and I feel like I jumped.. landed - broke both feet and am dragging my legs behind me like the baggage of that old relationship..okay maybe a bit dramatic but it hurts.

[KissingFire]

I am just sad. Very very sad.

 

I fell out with my alcoholic mother again and he was always my safe haven and happy place. My 'friends' do not care.

 

He cared. He always cared.

 

And now he doesn't care at all and it hurts like holy hell. I even broke my strict NC rule and contacted him in a moment of pure sadness and now I feel even worse as he's seen it and not responded.

 

I tried to delete the thousands of photos of us on my phone and felt like I was going to breakdown all over again. Why did I text him? Why did I feel like he was going to come and save me from this hellhole and hold me in his arms like he always did? I'm a moron. A desperately sad moron.

[Chassit]

I am just sad. Very very sad.

 

I fell out with my alcoholic mother again and he was always my safe haven and happy place. My 'friends' do not care.

 

He cared. He always cared.

 

And now he doesn't care at all and it hurts like holy hell. I even broke my strict NC rule and contacted him in a moment of pure sadness and now I feel even worse as he's seen it and not responded.

 

I tried to delete the thousands of photos of us on my phone and felt like I was going to breakdown all over again. Why did I text him? Why did I feel like he was going to come and save me from this hellhole and hold me in his arms like he always did? I'm a moron. A desperately sad moron.

 

I made the same mistake about a month in. All you can do is stay strong going forward. You can do it!

[Mac0908]

Just about one year ago is when it all began. Just about one year ago now when I walked into that bar on a Sunday afternoon and met her for a drink. Little did I know the absolute roller coaster ride I would go on with her for the remainder of 2017 and little did I know the catastrophe and pain that eventually awaited me.

 

I've come a long way since then. I've dated a lot. I've socialized as much as I could. I went on a eurotrip by myself. I got back in the gym on a high level at one point.

 

I went to the depths of hell after it all went down. But I came out ok. I came out better. But the scars are still there no doubt. Last night it was another party alone. Halloween. Dressing up. 34 years old and still entering social events all by my lonesome as others are now talking about their second child. Fortunately some guys showed up without wives which helped a great deal. Isn't that a sad comment? I actually had a great time, but deep down I just still can't grasp and understand why I've ended up in this spot I'm in. I can't understand why the struggle has been so hard. I know I'm not the greatest looking or biggest guy in the world, but is this really how its meant to be for me? Single year after year with only one serious relationship that is since long gone?

 

I long for love like most on here. I still hope to find it someday soon. But tonight I write here in some pain because, well, in between dating app after dating app and date after date, while I don't necessarily feel hopeless, I still feel extremely sad sometimes.

 

-Mac

Edited October 28, 2018 by Mac0908

[KissingFire]

The nights are always when I reach for my antidepressants. At least they help me sleep.

 

I can't stop torturing myself, thinking about him spending the whole weekend with another woman. It breaks me.

 

I don't want to love him anymore. I want to wake up in X amount of time and forget that him and I were ever together. That we promised to get help together. Me for my crippling anxiety and problems caused by an alcoholic mother and you for your parents beating the crap out of you as a kid. Your anger issues were out of control at one point but I stayed with him, through all the bad times, for all the times he hit himself out of anger and frustration, and I just held him. I wish I could have done more. We're both a mess, but he was my mess. I don't want to be anyone else's mess.

 

He always told me when I was acting out, when I was being a bitch... No one has ever stood up to me and I respected that. Our relationship wasn't healthy, but it was still a place to call home.

 

Tears blur my vision as I write this. I honestly can't see myself with someone else for the rest of my life.

[hope86]

I didn't cry today which is kindof weird because I'm tempted to think that i'm recovering. But if I cry a lot tomorrow then it means that it was a false positive?

[KissingFire]

I have a "date" that's definitely not a date today. I don't feel like going. All I want is to see my ex, hear his voice and speak to him. Even though I've told this guy numerous times I only split with my boyfriend last week, he insisted it was just a hot drink and a catch up. I can do that, right? I don't owe anyone anything anymore.

 

But god knows I don't want to go. I feel mean for thinking that, and who knows? Maybe I'll have a good time.

 

At the very least I hope I can forget about my ex for just a few hours. That would be a welcome relief.

[Borntoelevate]

It's about 6 days away from 7 months for me and I am still not much better than I was when the break up occurred. I miss her but now I think this problem is beyond just the break up. It has revealed so many problems in myself to begin with, that no wonder I wasn’t able to keep my girlfriend. It was meant to break up. I just wasn’t good enough internally. I just never knew I had all these problems. I don’t know where to start fixing them. I feel so lost and I feel like all my problems are insurmountable now.

 

I still feel suicidal (though not suicidal in the sense of wanting to immediately suicide, but just as a plan to execute eventually).

 

I don’t see any hope or anything positive for the future. I write my gratitude journal every day, I am practicing the Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod (30 minutes in the morning), I gym almost every day and I eat extremely healthy (eggs, salmon, salad, tuna, BBQ chicken, Khombucha). I read books at night and listen to autobiographies whilst driving or during my free time (currently listening to Steve Job’s autobiography). I don’t get why none of these seem to be helping me get out of my rut. Everything I try doesn’t seem to be helping and I am losing hope…

 

I am starting to genuinely believe I’ll be like this forever and that’s what leads me to suicidal thoughts.

[Beachead]

It's about 6 days away from 7 months for me and I am still not much better than I was when the break up occurred. I miss her but now I think this problem is beyond just the break up. It has revealed so many problems in myself to begin with, that no wonder I wasn’t able to keep my girlfriend. It was meant to break up. I just wasn’t good enough internally. I just never knew I had all these problems. I don’t know where to start fixing them. I feel so lost and I feel like all my problems are insurmountable now.

 

I still feel suicidal (though not suicidal in the sense of wanting to immediately suicide, but just as a plan to execute eventually).

 

I don’t see any hope or anything positive for the future. I write my gratitude journal every day, I am practicing the Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod (30 minutes in the morning), I gym almost every day and I eat extremely healthy (eggs, salmon, salad, tuna, BBQ chicken, Khombucha). I read books at night and listen to autobiographies whilst driving or during my free time (currently listening to Steve Job’s autobiography). I don’t get why none of these seem to be helping me get out of my rut. Everything I try doesn’t seem to be helping and I am losing hope…

 

I am starting to genuinely believe I’ll be like this forever and that’s what leads me to suicidal thoughts.

 

Don't be unrealistic and unreasonable with yourself. You heal when you heal. Depends on who you are, what you've been through, what your situation was, how much support you have, how much of a life you have going on etc. Lots of factors.

 

Maybe you feel like 7 months is a long time but it really isn't..not for you.

 

Believe it or not, that first paragraph is a massive breakthrough for you and I am truly happy to read it. You can't fix what you don't know..now you know. You're figuring it out. Starting to know what's going on in your situation. Starting to see that your wounds are actually within you..and guess what? You're going to start looking for answers in the right places now and you're going to ask the right questions as well.

 

Getting through not just breakups but any form of pain is like a empty puzzle with every single piece spread out all over the place. Depending on how deep those problems are, the puzzles maybe bigger than others so there's more work to be done in the healing process which takes more time. In the beginning, not a single one of those pieces are on the board yet. In the beginning, you can't see anything. All you see is abandonment. You the beginning, you can't feel anything. All you feel is pain. You are blind with emotion. But as time goes on and you cry it out, write it out, talk it out, pieces go onto that board and with it, the beginnings of the big picture start to emerge. You start to see something.

 

Well something came and you see it which means you've actually put together enough of your puzzle to see it. That shows some serious progress. A lot of people in the world, continue to repeat the same mistakes over and over again because they don't know where to look. They don't know what the sources of their pain are. They've never taken a look at within so their not aware. But here you ahead of the curve. So don't discredit yourself. As slow as it felt and as small as it feels, 7 months of hard work got you to this breakthrough and that's better than no breakthrough.

 

Let your mind and body continue to do its thing.

 

- Beach

Edited October 31, 2018 by Beachead

[hope86]

Two days of no crying and today I cried my eyes out. Didn't journal yesterday but today journaled. Yup everytime I give myself hope that I'm curing it gets crushed the next day. Sigh. When will this pain ever go away.

[hope86]

It's about 6 days away from 7 months for me and I am still not much better than I was when the break up occurred. I miss her but now I think this problem is beyond just the break up. It has revealed so many problems in myself to begin with, that no wonder I wasn’t able to keep my girlfriend. It was meant to break up. I just wasn’t good enough internally. I just never knew I had all these problems. I don’t know where to start fixing them. I feel so lost and I feel like all my problems are insurmountable now.

 

I still feel suicidal (though not suicidal in the sense of wanting to immediately suicide, but just as a plan to execute eventually).

 

I don’t see any hope or anything positive for the future. I write my gratitude journal every day, I am practicing the Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod (30 minutes in the morning), I gym almost every day and I eat extremely healthy (eggs, salmon, salad, tuna, BBQ chicken, Khombucha). I read books at night and listen to autobiographies whilst driving or during my free time (currently listening to Steve Job’s autobiography). I don’t get why none of these seem to be helping me get out of my rut. Everything I try doesn’t seem to be helping and I am losing hope…

 

I am starting to genuinely believe I’ll be like this forever and that’s what leads me to suicidal thoughts.

 

 

If you think logically, you're trying to replace a woman's love with other feel good stuff like food, fitness, inspiration etc.. The thing is you really can't. The ultimate solution is to find a woman who is of equal quality if not better than her.

 

First I would highly recommend a counselor, it's helping me atleast not feel suicidal and helping me cope with my pain more effectively.

 

Second, I've read everywhere that helping others heals your own heart. Try volunteer work and see if that heals you and gives you a fresh perspective and please share your experience with us as we're heartbroken too.

 

Third I would highly recommend getting a dog if you can. A dog gives you unconditional love. Having a dog is amazingly healing although when it passes away that's another heartbreak you'll have to deal with but atleast it will help you get through this one. Get an energetic dog like a lab or a pug.

 

Lastly for suicidal thoughts I've read that going to the pediatric ward of a hospital and talking to a kid who has terminal illness and is sure to die will probably make you appreciate your life more even though you don't have romance/limerence.

[Borntoelevate]

Don't be unrealistic and unreasonable with yourself. You heal when you heal. Depends on who you are, what you've been through, what your situation was, how much support you have, how much of a life you have going on etc. Lots of factors.

 

Maybe you feel like 7 months is a long time but it really isn't..not for you.

 

Believe it or not, that first paragraph is a massive breakthrough for you and I am truly happy to read it. You can't fix what you don't know..now you know. You're figuring it out. Starting to know what's going on in your situation. Starting to see that your wounds are actually within you..and guess what? You're going to start looking for answers in the right places now and you're going to ask the right questions as well.

 

Getting through not just breakups but any form of pain is like a empty puzzle with every single piece spread out all over the place. Depending on how deep those problems are, the puzzles maybe bigger than others so there's more work to be done in the healing process which takes more time. In the beginning, not a single one of those pieces are on the board yet. In the beginning, you can't see anything. All you see is abandonment. You the beginning, you can't feel anything. All you feel is pain. You are blind with emotion. But as time goes on and you cry it out, write it out, talk it out, pieces go onto that board and with it, the beginnings of the big picture start to emerge. You start to see something.

 

Well something came and you see it which means you've actually put together enough of your puzzle to see it. That shows some serious progress. A lot of people in the world, continue to repeat the same mistakes over and over again because they don't know where to look. They don't know what the sources of their pain are. They've never taken a look at within so their not aware. But here you ahead of the curve. So don't discredit yourself. As slow as it felt and as small as it feels, 7 months of hard work got you to this breakthrough and that's better than no breakthrough.

 

Let your mind and body continue to do its thing.

 

- Beach

 

Thanks Beach. That is really encouraging and makes a lot of sense. I am genuinely thankful to you for pointing that out.

 

I was in discussion with my dad last night and he mentioned that antidepressants might be an option (at least in the short term). That had me scared because:

 

1) I have a mild form of IBD and there is suspicion that it started with antidepressants (Zoloft) I took in my early 20s. I am nervous about taking any medication that may exacerbate my condition.

 

2) I ultimately feel if I can’t deal with this situation without the assistance of medication, then what does it say about my ability to handle future problems that will mostly likely be more severe? If I want to be the head of a household/father of a family, I need to develop the ability to deal with severe problems, work through them logically and come out with a solution. Antidepressants would feel like a ‘cop out’.

 

3) The other side is that bad times that really test you (like good times) don’t always come around that often (I remember the most trying time I had was about 4 years ago, which I managed to recover from). As such, I should use this opportunity to grow new coping skills and develop the ability to pull myself out of a hopeless rut, build my resilience and the ability to accept less than perfect outcomes. I would feel I am depriving myself of a very rich learning experience by taking antidepressants.

 

I am working on and off with a mentor, who said that my current grim outlook of the future, after 7 months, is because I haven’t been putting in the effort to address the mental baggage that was left from the break up. He said I had been going out to nightclubs/bars on weekends, working hard at the gym + eating right, trying to be as social as possible and turning up to work, but none of these directly addressed the baggage I had mentally (except possibly for working out that provided feel good chemicals). His suggestion was to think hard and develop goals for each of the areas: Wealth, Health and Relationships, then put these up on a vision board and work towards these. He was also the one who has put me on the Miracle Morning. My dad had a similar overall message, which was to reduce the urgency I have in trying to find a new partner. He said the pressure I feel in needing to find someone new to replace my ex, was a self-imposed pressure. He said this was possibly the reason for why I feel that dating is a ‘chore’ and the negativity I feel in never being able to find a partner as good as my ex. I feel this urgency because I am a 32 year old male.

Edited October 31, 2018 by Borntoelevate

[Borntoelevate]

If you think logically, you're trying to replace a woman's love with other feel good stuff like food, fitness, inspiration etc.. The thing is you really can't. The ultimate solution is to find a woman who is of equal quality if not better than her.

 

First I would highly recommend a counselor, it's helping me atleast not feel suicidal and helping me cope with my pain more effectively.

 

Second, I've read everywhere that helping others heals your own heart. Try volunteer work and see if that heals you and gives you a fresh perspective and please share your experience with us as we're heartbroken too.

 

Third I would highly recommend getting a dog if you can. A dog gives you unconditional love. Having a dog is amazingly healing although when it passes away that's another heartbreak you'll have to deal with but atleast it will help you get through this one. Get an energetic dog like a lab or a pug.

 

Lastly for suicidal thoughts I've read that going to the pediatric ward of a hospital and talking to a kid who has terminal illness and is sure to die will probably make you appreciate your life more even though you don't have romance/limerence.

 

I like the idea of a dog and talking to terminally ill children. What you would see is what really is important in life. All the ‘distractions’ of life would disappear and you would only care about what matters. Unfortunately my ex was training to be a nurse and seeing anything remotely related to her (ie. other nurses) makes me feel uncomfortable and resurrects bad feelings.

 

I have been seeing a counsellor/therapist who has helped me work through some assumptions I’ve had about the relationship but, they still haven’t helped with the emotional despondence, loneliness, negativity and hopelessness I have been feeling.

 

Volunteering sounds like a good idea, and is something I considered a few months ago, but I suppose I got lazy and never seriously tried it. I was hoping that time, itself, would heal me (that or mixing with other girls).

 

The ultimate solution would be finding a girl as good or better but I don’t think you or I need that. I’ve read your story too hope86, and I know we are in similar situations (deep regret/guilt over the break up, fear we will never find a girl just as good). Of course, finding a new suitable girl will be the ultimate healer and without a new girl, our wounds will never fully heal. But I do believe we can be healed to a sufficient level (90%??) so that we are in a position to have a clear mind to be open to a new girl. Initially, immediately after the break up, I was having a higher level of success with women (a few wanted relationships with me) than I am currently having and I believe that is because, whilst very much wounded, the break up just happened and I had hope I could get over this. Now I am having less success and I believe that’s because my hope is dying and my desperation to find someone new is increasing. Other than suicide and antidepressants (both of which I can do at any time), I am going to try focusing on the development and achievement of my personal goals. I don’t know if these will work, but I figured, I might as well try my very best at doing these. Hopefully they will take away the urgency of finding someone new.

 

Feel free to reach out to me hope86, if you need someone to chat to btw. As I said, I know our stories share quite a few similarities.