How are you coping today?

[hope86]

I have a knot in my stomach throughout the day, like some uncomfortable feeling but not exactly pain and this keeps me from doing the chores. Does this pain ever go away? God it feels endless.

[divegrl]

Hey divegrl,

 

It's good to hear from you . I appreciate the love. I also enjoy reading your posts. They remind me to focus on what's good in life.

 

I was feeling my mood slipping away and felt like it was beginning to interfere with my ability to give sound advice so I decided to step away for a bit. I wouldn't say I'm 100%. Nights get real hard to deal with these days but it's not regarding anyone in particular. It's just about the place I am in in my life at the moment. Fortunately for me, this is a more manageable and solvable problem for me than a broken heart.

 

Anyway. Are you doing well?

 

- Beach

 

Hi!

 

It’s good to see you back. There are so many people who come and go, that it’s nice to see some who stay. Sorry to hear about your nights. All I know how to do is keep aligning with my highest self, from which all my joy flows. Everything else will fall into place.

 

I recently went through a hard situation. Not romantic, but I am working through the wounds that were opened. Another reminder that all earthly attachments are ephemeral.

 

Sending peace and joy to you today my friend!

[divegrl]

I have a knot in my stomach throughout the day, like some uncomfortable feeling but not exactly pain and this keeps me from doing the chores. Does this pain ever go away? God it feels endless.

 

Hi Hope.

 

Just want to say I’m so sorry for what you are going through. The pain is tough, but it’s so necessary to feel in order to heal.

 

Sending love and peace and hugs to you today my friend.

[hope86]

Hi Hope.

 

Just want to say I’m so sorry for what you are going through. The pain is tough, but it’s so necessary to feel in order to heal.

 

Sending love and peace and hugs to you today my friend.

 

Thank you peace and hugs to you too dear

[Beachead]

Hi!

 

It’s good to see you back. There are so many people who come and go, that it’s nice to see some who stay. Sorry to hear about your nights. All I know how to do is keep aligning with my highest self, from which all my joy flows. Everything else will fall into place.

 

I recently went through a hard situation. Not romantic, but I am working through the wounds that were opened. Another reminder that all earthly attachments are ephemeral.

 

Sending peace and joy to you today my friend!

 

I appreciate that. Thank you. That's all one can ask of themselves. To do the best they can. I hope you are able to work through your current wounds and am sorry you are going through pain.

 

I read in a book once that one of the biggest misconceptions we have in life is that we can one day attain permanent happiness and that it's not true. The truth is, we'll always be faced with problems. We simply trade up for better ones to have when we finally acquire the knowledge and wisdom to solve the older ones. In this process, we learn how to deal with them and consequently rarely face them again..and even if we do, it barely affects us. I'm paraphrasing this but I've found it has helped me get a handle on things in my life.

 

Stay strong friend

 

- Beach

Edited October 11, 2018 by Beachead

[JP92]

Sounds about right. You got pain and your ideas of love and relationships have been shaken up. Dating and trying to figure out yourself while trying to get passed the past and find that partner is like trying to reach a destination that has no road for you to follow. What works for one person doesn't work for the other necessarily in that journey. Its tough.

 

Not doing too well tbh and when I get into this state of mind, I can go completely dark so I just disappear from everyones sight. Had a job interview that didn't work out. It triggered a lot of insecurity, resentment, a feel of being lost and unsettled. Pisses me off that I will forever be trying to catch up to a place where I should already be by the expectations of others..and I will have constantly fight those thoughts. To add to it, I've been going to a lot of weddings and seeing a lot of people getting engaged. It just all just adds up. So I'm in process of working through it.

 

Sorry to hear about the interview. I've been teased by a lot of promising feedback during interviews only to not get the job. I'd just rather receive harsh feedback instead of having my hopes lifted only to get destroyed. Still at a place I do not want to be at in the long run when it comes to my career, but I decided to focus on my studies again so I can truly find something I enjoy and not just something that pays the bills.

 

I relate to the darkness. I've felt for most of my life that I am in a room by myself looking out a window and watching other people experience happiness and things I can only fantasize about experiencing. To me, social media is one of the most painful things in the world to log into when things aren't afloat in your personal life. It's going to be filled with nothing but happy posts that only make you feel worse about your current situation. Not that I can't be happy for others, but seeing couples celebrate things like anniversaries, weddings, fun traveling trips together, and various other happy moments in their life just makes me feel bad. I deleted all of it. I have kind of shut my self off from others and have kept my circle small. Too much of my life has been spent worrying about what others think of me and becoming this person that society deems acceptable. It's hard, but we must keep battling.

[Orokotikki]

Not coping very well at all today.

Think my work might be planning to fire me.

My output has been **** since the my W's A.

Spend a lot of time in the office focused on it.

In therapy but it has its limits.

[Beachead]

Sorry to hear about the interview. I've been teased by a lot of promising feedback during interviews only to not get the job. I'd just rather receive harsh feedback instead of having my hopes lifted only to get destroyed. Still at a place I do not want to be at in the long run when it comes to my career, but I decided to focus on my studies again so I can truly find something I enjoy and not just something that pays the bills.

 

I relate to the darkness. I've felt for most of my life that I am in a room by myself looking out a window and watching other people experience happiness and things I can only fantasize about experiencing. To me, social media is one of the most painful things in the world to log into when things aren't afloat in your personal life. It's going to be filled with nothing but happy posts that only make you feel worse about your current situation. Not that I can't be happy for others, but seeing couples celebrate things like anniversaries, weddings, fun traveling trips together, and various other happy moments in their life just makes me feel bad. I deleted all of it. I have kind of shut my self off from others and have kept my circle small. Too much of my life has been spent worrying about what others think of me and becoming this person that society deems acceptable. It's hard, but we must keep battling.

 

We're on the same exact page friend. Like you, I've shut out a lot of people to concentrate on my own life. I wish I didn't feel so badly about their relationship successes but I do and the feelings distract me and I have to acknowledge this pain so that I can learn how to deal with it. Gotta stick with what works. It's important to note that through the little accomplishments I've achieved this year, I've felt sparks of happiness that have improved my state of mind. I take that improvement with me into the next steps of my plans.

[Cora]

For once I think I’m doing fine. I no longer hurt...yes, I still have some anger in me, but I no longer hurt. The anger isn’t even towards my ex anymore....I’ve forgiven him. We are all human and the heart wants what the heart wants. We can’t control who we are attracted to. He fell in love with another woman and just decided not to tell me. Can’t fault him for that. Yes, I believe he should have been honest with me instead of just silently moving on, but that isn’t who he is. All I can do is try to pick better quality people in the future. Him and his girlfriend are actually in the process of having their dream home built which they both along with her two kids will move into by Christmas. I’m actually happy for them.

 

The anger that I feel is toward the whole dating process. Not that there is anything wrong with dating...just that I’m fed up with it and still enjoying the single life. I’m not ready to get back out there and don’t know if I’ll ever be which is fine by me. It just kind of pissed me off the other day when my friend/co-worker asked me if I was dating anyone? I told her no, thinking that would be the end of it....but oh no, she wasn’t finished. She wanted to know why and when I told her I was just fed up with dating and was enjoying being single. She insisted that no one enjoys being single and how I needed a man in my life. How the holidays were coming up and how no one wants to be alone for the holidays. Sigh....I told her I wouldn’t be alone as I had plenty of family and friends. She snaps saying “that’s not the same! You know what I mean!” Well no, I really don’t know what you mean. Not everyone whose single feels lonely during the holidays. And who is she to say I NEED someone in my life? She’s been married for several years now and I truly believe she’s forgotten what the horrors of dating can be like. Either that or she’s actually miserable in her marriage and wants someone to commiserate with. Afterall, misery loves company.

 

Anyway, I will pass on dating, falling for someone, investing time and emotions in them only to be hurt all over again....thank you very much. I’ll save myself that pain. Don’t have time for that crap. Besides, I’ve been way too busy trying to get my professional life back on track. Recently made a career change that I now think was a bad move on my part. Love the extra money, but the type of work isn’t what I expected and the stress isn’t worth it. Even though it’s only been three months....I’m miserable. Time for a change.

[Beachead]

For once I think I’m doing fine. I no longer hurt...yes, I still have some anger in me, but I no longer hurt. The anger isn’t even towards my ex anymore....I’ve forgiven him. We are all human and the heart wants what the heart wants. We can’t control who we are attracted to. He fell in love with another woman and just decided not to tell me. Can’t fault him for that. Yes, I believe he should have been honest with me instead of just silently moving on, but that isn’t who he is. All I can do is try to pick better quality people in the future. Him and his girlfriend are actually in the process of having their dream home built which they both along with her two kids will move into by Christmas. I’m actually happy for them.

 

The anger that I feel is toward the whole dating process. Not that there is anything wrong with dating...just that I’m fed up with it and still enjoying the single life. I’m not ready to get back out there and don’t know if I’ll ever be which is fine by me. It just kind of pissed me off the other day when my friend/co-worker asked me if I was dating anyone? I told her no, thinking that would be the end of it....but oh no, she wasn’t finished. She wanted to know why and when I told her I was just fed up with dating and was enjoying being single. She insisted that no one enjoys being single and how I needed a man in my life. How the holidays were coming up and how no one wants to be alone for the holidays. Sigh....I told her I wouldn’t be alone as I had plenty of family and friends. She snaps saying “that’s not the same! You know what I mean!” Well no, I really don’t know what you mean. Not everyone whose single feels lonely during the holidays. And who is she to say I NEED someone in my life? She’s been married for several years now and I truly believe she’s forgotten what the horrors of dating can be like. Either that or she’s actually miserable in her marriage and wants someone to commiserate with. Afterall, misery loves company.

 

Anyway, I will pass on dating, falling for someone, investing time and emotions in them only to be hurt all over again....thank you very much. I’ll save myself that pain. Don’t have time for that crap. Besides, I’ve been way too busy trying to get my professional life back on track. Recently made a career change that I now think was a bad move on my part. Love the extra money, but the type of work isn’t what I expected and the stress isn’t worth it. Even though it’s only been three months....I’m miserable. Time for a change.

 

She's not trying to help you. She's projecting her own emotions onto you. Either she was bored or needed to stir the pot due to her own life. It is a waste of your time to let people like that shake you because she likely knows nothing about what you've been through and how you feel. You know the brutality of this modern dating culture. You're the one who's in it..who has to live it. Not her.

 

Keep doing you.

 

Also with work..that's what most of these places do best. They use salary as an excuse to overwork you. When they give you a raise, it's an excuse to dump more work and responsibility on you. It's money that should have been given to you in the first place, but they often times make you feel like they're doing you a favour. They do it because they know you're afraid to quit so the leverage. They're like a bad romantic partner. Unless you are working for yourself and you love what you do, don't kill yourself for these people because harm or your state of mind. Don't let them use money to trap and don't trap yourself by creating a lifestyle where you now need to tolerate poor treatment, to maintain it.

 

Well-being and integrity come first.

 

This is only my humble opinion

 

- Beach

Edited October 16, 2018 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

I’m not doing well at all today. I saw him last night and oh my god did it set me back. Didn’t expect to see him so it caught me by surprise and my god did he look good. Better then I’ve ever seen him look. My heart stopped and it ran out the door before he could even see me. Not sure if he did or not.

 

I’ve been feeling sick to my stomach ever since then. I can’t begin to explain how much I miss him and how I’d give up almost anything to be with him right now.

 

There’s no relief. Even when I’m asleep, I dream of him. It’s no use. I’ve lost interest in everything I used to love. I cancelled a trip to Greece that I had planned. I can’t sleep or eat. I don’t know how much more I can take.

 

See, the thing is, I’ve never actually been with him. We were friends but we had been drifting apart. He got married last month and it’s really not been easy for me. I’ve been crazy about him for 10 years. I’ve loved him from the first time I laid eyes on him.

 

Yeah, so, I’m doing horribly.

[Sarah_Smiles]

Because you're likely like many of us. You're down and you're looking for another human being in your world who can understand your pain and share in your struggle, to make you feel like you're doing okay. Only, you end up seeing everyone posting up on their vacations, wedding celebrations, the birth of their children, new jobs, accomplishments etc. Because you're coming from a dark place filled with insecurity and pain, you are vulnerable to comparing that to everyone's seemingly "amazing lives" forgetting that they choose what they want to show you and omit the struggles, pain, loss, tears that are behind the scenes. Gives this illusion that everyone is killing it in life.

 

It's good you disconnected from social media apps but the thing is, seems like what made you leave those platform you've compensated with Instagram. I would deactivate your account and delete the app and keep it deleted for a long time until I regain my personal strength again. All that noise in your head will subside and you'll be able to get more focused on you because you won't be bombarded by these things. Stay strong.

 

- Beach

 

Thank you for the reply to my post and your kind and helpful post. Had a set back that was actually IG related to an actual ex. But, I agree most of the ones on my account are married, recently engaged, pregnant recently too and that does make me look at myself and feel less because where and when and at a certain time in my life that would have been me as well and feel someone stole that from me for very selfish reasons( felt left dangling on a hook, until a better fish came along).

[Beachead]

Thank you for the reply to my post and your kind and helpful post. Had a set back that was actually IG related to an actual ex. But, I agree most of the ones on my account are married, recently engaged, pregnant recently too and that does make me look at myself and feel less because where and when and at a certain time in my life that would have been me as well and feel someone stole that from me for very selfish reasons( felt left dangling on a hook, until a better fish came along).

 

I understand. I was robbed of my time and the love I had to give, by a few unfortunate relationships. Nothing to do now but make a home out of the disaster they left behind.

[Endnote]

Today was a rough day. Was not coping well. Ruminating over my ex for most of the day. My head knows that it won't change anything but my heart feels so much different. It's hard to let go when you only have your own conjecture to go by when figuring out why things ended. I made it through though. I was about to start crying but I ended up working out and felt at least somewhat better after that. Day by day my friends.

[loststarsx]

Day to day, I feel so many emotions. I can't trust how I feel right now. It's maddening. I should not have played detective. Play with fire and you get burned. I am coping by setting mini goals I can achieve, reading, learning, trying to grow, and slowly learning "acceptance". I'm a skeleton on display (fantastic song, btw), but realize that this is the time for me to become a better woman. I feel like I am drowning in my own void, but I realize I have a choice in this matter. I am tired of the sadness. I am seeking hope, compassion, gratitude, and contentment. I'm searching for the light.

[Chassit]

Today I am livid! My truck broke down yesterday. I feel like I'm living a country song. It's a good thing I don't have a dog! Arrghh!

[NotADayGoesBy]

Today was terrible. Just when I think I’ve made progress I’m back to square one feeling like I’m going to die, crying and feeling anxious. I came so close to going to see him today. I keep thinking it will get better but after 3 months it’s still as bad as it was in the beginning.

[Cora]

She's not trying to help you. She's projecting her own emotions onto you. Either she was bored or needed to stir the pot due to her own life. It is a waste of your time to let people like that shake you because she likely knows nothing about what you've been through and how you feel. You know the brutality of this modern dating culture. You're the one who's in it..who has to live it. Not her.

 

Keep doing you.

 

Also with work..that's what most of these places do best. They use salary as an excuse to overwork you. When they give you a raise, it's an excuse to dump more work and responsibility on you. It's money that should have been given to you in the first place, but they often times make you feel like they're doing you a favour. They do it because they know you're afraid to quit so the leverage. They're like a bad romantic partner. Unless you are working for yourself and you love what you do, don't kill yourself for these people because harm or your state of mind. Don't let them use money to trap and don't trap yourself by creating a lifestyle where you now need to tolerate poor treatment, to maintain it.

 

Well-being and integrity come first.

 

This is only my humble opinion

 

- Beach

 

Thanks Beachead!

 

Yeah, I’m not killing myself for this job. I’ve got a couple things in the works so hopefully I won’t have to stay in this job for too much longer. And I agree that they use money to try and trap you in a miserable environment. They feed you lies in the interview and pretty soon you realize this isn’t what you signed up for. As for my coworker, I’m not going to allow her to get to me in the future. And it’s pointless to argue with her. She thinks she knows best just because she’s been married for so long, but she really doesn’t have a clue. What may work for her doesn’t necessarily work for others. I know what I do and don’t want. Dating these days is tough and it’s my choice not to participate at this time. I won’t let someone make me feel bad for MY choice.

 

How are things going with you?

[fieldoflavender]

sigh it sucks I met a guy who is very cute and nice and funny. Except I can't deal with his financial situation.

 

I've noticed a pattern. Either

1) they're physically unattractive to me but good job/financial situation

2) all else okay but I would have to like support them

3) if they have both - they're taken or not interested in me

 

So I should just stay single.

[divegrl]

Long sigh...........

[Cora]

Long sigh...........

 

I know the feeling.

 

Care to talk about it?

[Borntoelevate]

I am honestly not coping well. It has been close to 7 months for me now post break up and I am still struggling on a daily basis. My family have had it with me. They have tried their best to listen to my ramblings and have tried their best to give me reassurances that I will find someone to love again, but I can’t see it. I am just a negative ball of energy walking around and I don’t know how to get myself out of the rut. I have done everything I can think of (dating, gym, new hobbies, meeting friends, reading, gratitude journal, therapy) but nothing is working. I still keep thinking of how much my ex loved me, how much she adored me and I ****ed it all up.

 

I thought seriously about suicide last night. I have a bottle of chloroform, several prescriptions for Tramadol, a full box of hydrocodone (ironically from my ex after she did her breast implant surgery) and alcohol. Combined, I’d imagine this would be lethal, I just haven’t tried yet because I am nervous that it won’t work and I’ll come out of it brain dead or something. I have my own place so no one will find me and be able to save me in time or feed me with charcoal to dilute the medication. I need a box of Maxolon to prevent vomiting. If I were to carry it out, it would have to be on the weekend (so work won’t contact me for 2 days).

 

I’ve had it. She moved on within a month and completely forgot about me but here I am, still with her as a pivotal part of my daily thoughts. If God did exist, he would have had mercy on me by now. He would have either helped me emotionally recover or he would have helped me find a new suitable partner, but he hasn’t. This just proves he doesn’t exist. I have lost faith in him and in life that I will ever get out of this. I don’t care what people say. I don’t care if people look down on me for taking the ‘easy way’ out. **** you Nhu and **** you life. I am out.

[Morello]

I hope you don't go that way, mate. Life goes on after a break up. Some break ups are really tough and push you to the limit. There's always a way out of the storm: it's through it. It might take a bit more time because 7 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things. You need to heal first and then go out to find a suitable partner.

 

I think you are probably aware that there are other issues in place for you rather than just having your ex leaving you. Some things you may need to address, as to why you think your happiness depends on a relationship, because it doesn't. People who think that way are very wrong.

 

If you're happy with who you are, then you attract a good relationship. If you're not, even the best relationship with your best match will fail.

 

Please seek professional help (therapy) to identify what's keeping you from being the man you want to be, so you can work on it and be a better version of you at the end of this. With time and work, you'll get out of this rut and will have a life to enjoy again, potentially in a better relationship as an outcome of those improvements. But first, you need to believe you can get there. It's totally possible and other people have successfully healed from rough break ups with time and work, so I'm sure you can do it too.

Edited October 22, 2018 by Morello

[loststarsx]

Feeling like complete trash, I took the breadcrumbs I swore I would not. I am trying to tell myself this is not square one, that breaking NC still does not change anything in the grand scheme of things. Man, I need to woman up and leave these emotions aside. I can't keep doing this and freaking out that every breadcrumb is goodbye. Today I am coping by sharing this mistake and taking accountability. I complain that my ex is playing games, but I am the one sitting on the bench. This incoming week has to be better, I am determined. I can't do this anymore. NC resumes, moving forward. I'm the one that choosing to suffer.

[Borntoelevate]

I hope you don't go that way, mate. Life goes on after a break up. Some break ups are really tough and push you to the limit. There's always a way out of the storm: it's through it. It might take a bit more time because 7 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things. You need to heal first and then go out to find a suitable partner.

 

I think you are probably aware that there are other issues in place for you rather than just having your ex leaving you. Some things you may need to address, as to why you think your happiness depends on a relationship, because it doesn't. People who think that way are very wrong.

 

If you're happy with who you are, then you attract a good relationship. If you're not, even the best relationship with your best match will fail.

 

Please seek professional help (therapy) to identify what's keeping you from being the man you want to be, so you can work on it and be a better version of you at the end of this. With time and work, you'll get out of this rut and will have a life to enjoy again, potentially in a better relationship as an outcome of those improvements. But first, you need to believe you can get there. It's totally possible and other people have successfully healed from rough break ups with time and work, so I'm sure you can do it too.

 

Unfortunately I have tried therapy, but perhaps not consistently and not more than for a few months. Regardless, I haven’t yielded significant results (though I have reached some insights regarding my ex). Still, after each session, I still revert back to my depressive state. I talk to my mother consistently when I am feeling particularly lonely or despondent, but again, it only helps whilst the other person is present to speak to you. Once they leave, I feel lonely. I have tried dating in various capacities (ie. semi-gfs to FWBs) but I lose passion for each and every girl I am with. I can’t seem to summon any love for them. Something doesn’t feel genuine when I am with them. Add to this, I’ve tried social activities (social sports), consistently going out to bars/nightclubs, gym, gratitude journal, eating extremely healthy and new hobbies (krav maga). I’ve also tried meditating consistently for 20 minutes each day for about 5 months, but didn’t feel any different so stopped. I even tried praying (despite being agnostic) but that hasn’t helped.

 

Whilst doing all the above activities, I also had high hopes for the 6 months post break up day because I was told that it is generally when people who have had severe break ups recover, but this hasn’t proved correct at all. In fact, I don’t feel any rest bite from the sadness. It honestly still feels like the break up was 2 months ago. I can’t genuinely smile. There isn’t much more I can think of that would help and I am honestly starting to panic that I will never ever fully recover and my early 30’s (supposedly the prime for a male) will be wasted. I read that a poster on here is over 1 year post break up and still struggles with the guilt/regret he feels (which is what I feel) and reading that made me really scared. I feel the only real solution would be to find a decent girl who hits all my attraction triggers, but such a girl would only be possible once I’ve healed myself internally, but I feel I would need to meet that person to be able to fully heal internally (a catch 22).

 

I feel comforted when I focus on suicide. I don’t know why, but perhaps it’s because it feels like I am once again in control of my future (instead of the unknown of whether I will find a decent girl or not). I pray at night when in bed, that I will die in my sleep.