How are you coping today?

[Sarah_Smiles]

I feel depressed today, the weather is dismal and clearly sets a dark and down mood for me. Missing the people who unconditionally loved me, including a childhood pet. Guess I need to distract my mind with something and get past it for the day.

[Cupid's Puppet]

Some emotional triggers this week due to a show I love that did a series of episodes on ghosting. I never saw a show capture this with such accurate portrayal. I honestly thought the show creator had spy cams set up on my life. Every emotion the character felt was the same I felt when I was ghosted. Her internal thoughts were "what did I do wrong? was it x, was it y, was it z?" Looking at the phone everyday obsessing over the person. The character and the TV audience felt a lack of closure from this character. Very true to life! People commenting on the show were desperately trying to figure out why he disappeared and hoping his character would come back and explain himself.

 

Then the latest episode he shows up after a month of disappearing I kinda was hoping that the show creator would keep it true to life because most of the time they never show back up and provide you with an answer.

 

Yet, when the ghost character did show up, his explanation was so unsatisfying, which was true to life. Nothing our exes say really give us that closure we thought they could provide.

[loststarsx]

It's been a full 24 hours. I feel like I am coming off a two year high. It's like I am an addict. I didn't think it was possible to cry this much, but after days, my eyes are bloodshot. Apparently, I have a high tolerance for crying. It's the point of every low where even you tell yourself that you have to stop. He has blocked me everywhere, except on email. I called my mom and told her I felt like I was dying, this loss has taken the life of me. I am listening to this song called "I still have me" by: CYN as I type this, and of course, I am crying hysterically. I'm no stranger to darkness, of love and loss, I just thought that this guy was the one. How do I fight of thoughts of him, the future we never had, and accept the ending? I am trying to cope with actually eating a real meal today. I just made soup. I'd like to think that someone else out there knows how distraught I feel. I am overcome with anxiety and sadness. I promised myself a well deserved cheat day if I don't contact him for a week. Goodness, what's more difficult, letting go of carbs or the man that once kissed my eyelids?

[Cupid's Puppet]

It's been a full 24 hours. I feel like I am coming off a two year high. It's like I am an addict. I didn't think it was possible to cry this much, but after days, my eyes are bloodshot. Apparently, I have a high tolerance for crying. It's the point of every low where even you tell yourself that you have to stop. He has blocked me everywhere, except on email. I called my mom and told her I felt like I was dying, this loss has taken the life of me. I am listening to this song called "I still have me" by: CYN as I type this, and of course, I am crying hysterically. I'm no stranger to darkness, of love and loss, I just thought that this guy was the one. How do I fight of thoughts of him, the future we never had, and accept the ending? I am trying to cope with actually eating a real meal today. I just made soup. I'd like to think that someone else out there knows how distraught I feel. I am overcome with anxiety and sadness. I promised myself a well deserved cheat day if I don't contact him for a week. Goodness, what's more difficult, letting go of carbs or the man that once kissed my eyelids?

 

It will feel like that for a few weeks I think. A lot of us have been there. The panic attacks, crying, loss of appetite, wondering when you'll feel normal again. But you'll be all right. You're not fighting this battle alone.

 

Feel every emotion. Talk it out. Write it out. Trust that time will heal and don't rush it. Be okay with whatever you are feeling. If you miss him, it is okay. If you hate him, it is okay. If you love him, it is okay. One day you will honestly feel sick and tired of feeling sick and tired over this, and you will say ENOUGH, and you are going to feel so awesome when you reach that point. You'll open up your curtains, let the sun shine in your face, eat a real fattening meal, and feel normal again.

 

Look at some of the tips I posted a few posts up. They are some strategies I used this time around to help myself cope. I hope they are helpful to you.

[vickyp]

It's been a full 24 hours. I feel like I am coming off a two year high. It's like I am an addict. I didn't think it was possible to cry this much, but after days, my eyes are bloodshot. Apparently, I have a high tolerance for crying. It's the point of every low where even you tell yourself that you have to stop. He has blocked me everywhere, except on email. I called my mom and told her I felt like I was dying, this loss has taken the life of me. I am listening to this song called "I still have me" by: CYN as I type this, and of course, I am crying hysterically. I'm no stranger to darkness, of love and loss, I just thought that this guy was the one. How do I fight of thoughts of him, the future we never had, and accept the ending? I am trying to cope with actually eating a real meal today. I just made soup. I'd like to think that someone else out there knows how distraught I feel. I am overcome with anxiety and sadness. I promised myself a well deserved cheat day if I don't contact him for a week. Goodness, what's more difficult, letting go of carbs or the man that once kissed my eyelids?

 

It will get better over time. the questions will stop. The replaying everything in your mind your stop. It probably took me a full 8 months, to just not give a F***k about him. One year and half later, I feel good. I haven't dated at all just reading and learning. I'm almost 80% to my old pre nightmare I had. Its a journey, a learning experience, and things to discover yourself. Embrace it. Good luck.

[Beachead]

It's been a full 24 hours. I feel like I am coming off a two year high. It's like I am an addict. I didn't think it was possible to cry this much, but after days, my eyes are bloodshot. Apparently, I have a high tolerance for crying. It's the point of every low where even you tell yourself that you have to stop. He has blocked me everywhere, except on email. I called my mom and told her I felt like I was dying, this loss has taken the life of me. I am listening to this song called "I still have me" by: CYN as I type this, and of course, I am crying hysterically. I'm no stranger to darkness, of love and loss, I just thought that this guy was the one. How do I fight of thoughts of him, the future we never had, and accept the ending? I am trying to cope with actually eating a real meal today. I just made soup. I'd like to think that someone else out there knows how distraught I feel. I am overcome with anxiety and sadness. I promised myself a well deserved cheat day if I don't contact him for a week. Goodness, what's more difficult, letting go of carbs or the man that once kissed my eyelids?

 

Lack of appetite, insomnia, chest pains, obsessive thoughts of why an what if? I've been there myself.

 

You'll be alright. Even if you have been through hell and this is just another crappy situation adding to list of things that didn't go right..you'll still be alright.

 

But, like the others said, it will take time and you will need to be patient and self-aware and strategic in moving forward. Feel that pain, embrace it and write about it. It's not often in life we'll feel such extreme emotions. It's not often in life we'll ever feel such pain again. This is probably the worst it gets. If you keep your mind open, you'll learn a lot about yourself and what you are made of; all the things that make you tick, the things that matter to you. The way you heal, the choices you make, the people you choose, the way your mind works under extreme distress etc. So many things you'll learn and use in the future for when adversity comes your way again and tries to low blow you.

 

Took me about 8 months to stop hoping that I'd ever reconcile with my ex and to generally stop giving a sh*t about her as well. It only happened because she got engaged to the very guy she told me she was moving on from. She got engaged to him about 3-4 months after we ended and married him 6 months after that engagemen; all inside of a year of me and her ending. I suffered tremendously not just because it ended..but also because she became another person I had to say goodbye to amongst the line of people prior to her.

 

It's never easy..but there is always something good that does come from it. Maybe you learn a lesson. Maybe you become stronger. Maybe you discover something about yourself. Maybe that small change makes all the difference in the future; a change that changes everything for the better.

 

It's been over a year now for me and there is no more crippling, overwhelming pain. Maybe a thought here and there...but I'm alright.

 

You'll get there too.

 

- Beach

Edited October 6, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

Wow, it's been a long time. I remember posting here on a daily basis. Being crippled on a daily basis. Being sad on a daily basis. Realizing what depression REALLY was for the first time in my life. Those pitch dark days are long gone now. What began in January and was hands down the hardest and most brutal thing I ever went through in my life, but like the saying goes, time heals all wounds. But like @beachead said above, a thought always pops up here and there, and I guess that's why I'm back tonight, even if it is in the rarest of moments.

 

I peaked at her instagram as I've done from time to time. Not sure why. Often just to remind myself that I'm over her. Yes I know that sounds weird but I can't describe the pleasure of looking at an ex's page and no longer having that awful feeling in your stomach. To see all her "Look how hot I am" type photos and to not give even the slightest sh-t at all about them anymore. Almost laughing at them. It's theraputic in the healing process that is always ongoing even if in the smallest rarest ways all this time later. To just feel more and more that she was a ruthless human being to put me through what she put me through earlier this year. Anyway there it was, a pic of her with a new guy, finally. I'm fine. I'm cool. But I'll admit it did phase me in the most minuscule way. It's just interesting how it struck a small nerve for the first time in many many months. Thinking about how I did everything so right and how she seemed so very into me at some points and how serious things got so fast, etc. How she told me I was amazing in so many ways. How the sex was amazing. How we did everything from her work Christmas party to exchanging Christmas gifts to all sorts of deep talks to her meeting my friends, etc.

 

And to think, here's this new guy she's with now, and well, even though I could never in a million years take her back with a straight face, for some reason it just hurts a bit and makes me feel just a little more like the rebound I knew I was back then. But like I said, I'll be fine. Just had to vent a bit here tonight. Hope everyone is well.

Edited October 8, 2018 by Mac0908

[Chassit]

9 weeks in and today has been hell. I have no idea why I have been missing her so badly today, but I have. I have been crying all day. I can't stop obsessing on her and my replacement. I don't know what to do. I just want to be over this since she obviously wants absolutely nothing to do with me.

[hope86]

wow i'm unable to date another girl now. Don't know how I'll fall in love again.

[fieldoflavender]

Welcome Beachead - glad to see you back. I've had more unsuccessful dating experiences, to the point of wondering why don't I just date good looking people? Why not? Instead of looking for something long term? I guess sometimes I don't know what I want. It's just so hard to trust in the context of what happened with that terrible break-up.

[Beachead]

Welcome Beachead - glad to see you back. I've had more unsuccessful dating experiences, to the point of wondering why don't I just date good looking people? Why not? Instead of looking for something long term? I guess sometimes I don't know what I want. It's just so hard to trust in the context of what happened with that terrible break-up.

 

Hey Field, thanks for the welcome back.

 

Why didn't those other dates work out?

[fieldoflavender]

It's very complicated. One guy I wasn't physically attracted to but it was hard to pull away when he had a lot of other qualities - a great job, wanted to settle down, but I just couldn't be with someone I didn't have chemistry with for the rest of my life.

 

Other people I had chemistry with but they were too young and didn't want to settle down.

 

And now I have this awkward situation with a guy at work who I think is totally pretending he doesn't know it's me on this dating app but it's so awkward that I wish I never pursued it although to be fair, he clicked that he liked me first. But he's out of my league so I think he's just playing around. It's hard not to get tempted when he's so good looking and has a great job, but yes I know - I should eventually look for someone more long term.

 

How was your break away?

[JP92]

I wanted to chime in with a post since it's been awhile and I saw some of my favorite posters on the forum. I've done a lot of soul searching since having my heartbroken in May. I got to experience all of the lows a person feels after a B/U. It went a lot like this for me:

1. Intense pain the first couple of weeks,

2. Delusional false hope of her returning to numb the pain

3. The acceptance phase. No contact in a long time that clearly indicates she's moved on with life.

4. The "what if" thoughts. Thinking about how much the relationship could have grown and all the wasted potential that kind of reopened the wound.

5. "What could I have done differently?" After being away from the relationship for so long, I reflected on what really went wrong. Were her reasons excuses or were they genuine? This phase drove me crazy. I knew I had to erase these unhealthy thoughts because searching for fixes on something dead is only harmful.

6. The worst/necessary part. Seeing the new guy. The "perfect" guy. Great job, good looking dude, cool hobbies, etc. Social Media never shows any negatives and only highs. I had seen her happy photos with her friends which hurt, but nothing compared to the soul crushing feeling of seeing her with a new guy. Engaged and smiling happily as ever. For a little while, this bothered me deeply. I kept thinking about all the great moments they must be sharing together, the sex they're having, and other toxic thoughts. But that's where the necessary part comes into play. Maybe not the most appropriate word, but I said necessary because I feel like this brutal realization had to happen to me. Despite all signs clearly showing she was never coming back in my life, a small part of me felt like there was a chance if she was single or had poor luck dating. Not only did she find a new guy, but she was engaged. Why should I be in pain over someone that maybe thinks about me once a week at most and loves someone else? This helped me.

 

It dawned on me after all this time. I wasn't miserable because of her; I was miserable because of me. I was very unhappy with my career and knew I was working a dead-end job that gave me virtually 0 fulfillment on a daily basis. My self-esteem was extremely low and I had a lot of insecurities. Everything in my life was in poor shape in my eyes. I'm still building to change things but it's going to take time. I hated my overpriced, lame apartment filled with harmful memories. I hated waking up to go to a job that made me feel worthless and like I contribute nothing to the world. I didn't like the way I looked. Circles under my eyes, put on weight after being in great shape, and the lack of sleep just made me look older. It hit me that my sadness from the breakup was all about where I was at in life and about some deep, internal issues. I had to change me. This woman was masking some serious problems I had going on and I was using her as my only source for happiness. Granted, I acted confident and outgoing during the relationship, but I was so blind to all these deep-rooted issues while with her and after all this time, it finally hit me.

 

If I was at a place in life where I felt good about myself physically, mentally, and had a well-established career that'll help set me up for life, I wouldn't have felt so crushed. I would have moved on a lot better and been able to find a lot more daily happiness. The B/U was essentially a slap in the face I absolutely hated, but needed to remind myself that I can't hide from my problems or expect someone else to bring me fulfillment. I'm still not where I want to be, but I've started making steps in the right direction and am making strategic plans to get my life on a path that'll bring me satisfaction. Not for anyone else, but for me.

Edited October 9, 2018 by JP92

[Mac0908]

I wanted to chime in with a post since it's been awhile and I saw some of my favorite posters on the forum. I've done a lot of soul searching since having my heartbroken in May. I got to experience all of the lows a person feels after a B/U. It went a lot like this for me:

1. Intense pain the first couple of weeks,

2. Delusional false hope of her returning to numb the pain

3. The acceptance phase. No contact in a long time that clearly indicates she's moved on with life.

4. The "what if" thoughts. Thinking about how much the relationship could have grown and all the wasted potential that kind of reopened the wound.

5. "What could I have done differently?" After being away from the relationship for so long, I reflected on what really went wrong. Were her reasons excuses or were they genuine? This phase drove me crazy. I knew I had to erase these unhealthy thoughts because searching for fixes on something dead is only harmful.

6. The worst/necessary part. Seeing the new guy. The "perfect" guy. Great job, good looking dude, cool hobbies, etc. Social Media never shows any negatives and only highs. I had seen her happy photos with her friends which hurt, but nothing compared to the soul crushing feeling of seeing her with a new guy. Engaged and smiling happily as ever. For a little while, this bothered me deeply. I kept thinking about all the great moments they must be sharing together, the sex they're having, and other toxic thoughts. But that's where the necessary part comes into play. Maybe not the most appropriate word, but I said necessary because I feel like this brutal realization had to happen to me. Despite all signs clearly showing she was never coming back in my life, a small part of me felt like there was a chance if she was single or had poor luck dating. Not only did she find a new guy, but she was engaged. Why should I be in pain over someone that maybe thinks about me once a week at most and loves someone else? This helped me.

 

It dawned on me after all this time. I wasn't miserable because of her; I was miserable because of me. I was very unhappy with my career and knew I was working a dead-end job that gave me virtually 0 fulfillment on a daily basis. My self-esteem was extremely low and I had a lot of insecurities. Everything in my life was in poor shape in my eyes. I'm still building to change things but it's going to take time. I hated my overpriced, lame apartment filled with harmful memories. I hated waking up to go to a job that made me feel worthless and like I contribute nothing to the world. I didn't like the way I looked. Circles under my eyes, put on weight after being in great shape, and the lack of sleep just made me look older. It hit me that my sadness from the breakup was all about where I was at in life and about some deep, internal issues. I had to change me. This woman was masking some serious problems I had going on and I was using her as my only source for happiness. Granted, I acted confident and outgoing during the relationship, but I was so blind to all these deep-rooted issues while with her and after all this time, it finally hit me.

 

If I was at a place in life where I felt good about myself physically, mentally, and had a well-established career that'll help set me up for life, I wouldn't have felt so crushed. I would have moved on a lot better and been able to find a lot more daily happiness. The B/U was essentially a slap in the face I absolutely hated, but needed to remind myself that I can't hide from my problems or expect someone else to bring me fulfillment. I'm still not where I want to be, but I've started making steps in the right direction and am making strategic plans to get my life on a path that'll bring me satisfaction. Not for anyone else, but for me.

 

Hey JP. Seems like I don't need to ask how you're doing bc this was a truly wonderful post that explains it all for me. You've lived. You've learned. You've hurt, and you've recovered (mostly). It's a process, and not a fun one. I know that all too well. But it's a process. There is also one pretty huge positive that comes out of reaching the end which I realized full force, and thats that ultimately you end up a better person, and a much smarter dater.

[Beachead]

I wanted to chime in with a post since it's been awhile and I saw some of my favorite posters on the forum. I've done a lot of soul searching since having my heartbroken in May. I got to experience all of the lows a person feels after a B/U. It went a lot like this for me:

1. Intense pain the first couple of weeks,

2. Delusional false hope of her returning to numb the pain

3. The acceptance phase. No contact in a long time that clearly indicates she's moved on with life.

4. The "what if" thoughts. Thinking about how much the relationship could have grown and all the wasted potential that kind of reopened the wound.

5. "What could I have done differently?" After being away from the relationship for so long, I reflected on what really went wrong. Were her reasons excuses or were they genuine? This phase drove me crazy. I knew I had to erase these unhealthy thoughts because searching for fixes on something dead is only harmful.

6. The worst/necessary part. Seeing the new guy. The "perfect" guy. Great job, good looking dude, cool hobbies, etc. Social Media never shows any negatives and only highs. I had seen her happy photos with her friends which hurt, but nothing compared to the soul crushing feeling of seeing her with a new guy. Engaged and smiling happily as ever. For a little while, this bothered me deeply. I kept thinking about all the great moments they must be sharing together, the sex they're having, and other toxic thoughts. But that's where the necessary part comes into play. Maybe not the most appropriate word, but I said necessary because I feel like this brutal realization had to happen to me. Despite all signs clearly showing she was never coming back in my life, a small part of me felt like there was a chance if she was single or had poor luck dating. Not only did she find a new guy, but she was engaged. Why should I be in pain over someone that maybe thinks about me once a week at most and loves someone else? This helped me.

 

It dawned on me after all this time. I wasn't miserable because of her; I was miserable because of me. I was very unhappy with my career and knew I was working a dead-end job that gave me virtually 0 fulfillment on a daily basis. My self-esteem was extremely low and I had a lot of insecurities. Everything in my life was in poor shape in my eyes. I'm still building to change things but it's going to take time. I hated my overpriced, lame apartment filled with harmful memories. I hated waking up to go to a job that made me feel worthless and like I contribute nothing to the world. I didn't like the way I looked. Circles under my eyes, put on weight after being in great shape, and the lack of sleep just made me look older. It hit me that my sadness from the breakup was all about where I was at in life and about some deep, internal issues. I had to change me. This woman was masking some serious problems I had going on and I was using her as my only source for happiness. Granted, I acted confident and outgoing during the relationship, but I was so blind to all these deep-rooted issues while with her and after all this time, it finally hit me.

 

If I was at a place in life where I felt good about myself physically, mentally, and had a well-established career that'll help set me up for life, I wouldn't have felt so crushed. I would have moved on a lot better and been able to find a lot more daily happiness. The B/U was essentially a slap in the face I absolutely hated, but needed to remind myself that I can't hide from my problems or expect someone else to bring me fulfillment. I'm still not where I want to be, but I've started making steps in the right direction and am making strategic plans to get my life on a path that'll bring me satisfaction. Not for anyone else, but for me.

 

I love this post. Very insightful and full of good reminders for me as I also struggle through similar things. Glad to see you have been well and making a good recovery. Thank you.

 

- Beach

[Sarah_Smiles]

Feel miserable.. why is it every time I feel down I take a look at IG ( removed my FB years ago) and do not have any other social media accounts. But when on IG I always look where I shouldn't..I think I do it to fuel the negative way I am feeling, because when happier I never look. And as always it never fails to do the job!

[Beachead]

It's very complicated. One guy I wasn't physically attracted to but it was hard to pull away when he had a lot of other qualities - a great job, wanted to settle down, but I just couldn't be with someone I didn't have chemistry with for the rest of my life.

 

Other people I had chemistry with but they were too young and didn't want to settle down.

 

And now I have this awkward situation with a guy at work who I think is totally pretending he doesn't know it's me on this dating app but it's so awkward that I wish I never pursued it although to be fair, he clicked that he liked me first. But he's out of my league so I think he's just playing around. It's hard not to get tempted when he's so good looking and has a great job, but yes I know - I should eventually look for someone more long term.

 

How was your break away?

 

Sounds about right. You got pain and your ideas of love and relationships have been shaken up. Dating and trying to figure out yourself while trying to get passed the past and find that partner is like trying to reach a destination that has no road for you to follow. What works for one person doesn't work for the other necessarily in that journey. Its tough.

 

Not doing too well tbh and when I get into this state of mind, I can go completely dark so I just disappear from everyones sight. Had a job interview that didn't work out. It triggered a lot of insecurity, resentment, a feel of being lost and unsettled. Pisses me off that I will forever be trying to catch up to a place where I should already be by the expectations of others..and I will have constantly fight those thoughts. To add to it, I've been going to a lot of weddings and seeing a lot of people getting engaged. It just all just adds up. So I'm in process of working through it.

Edited October 10, 2018 by Beachead

[JP92]

Mac and Beach, it sucks that we all three had to experience such devastation. You two were spot on with all of your advice and feedback from the start and I can't thank you enough. It's definitely a experience that'll keep me more guarded down the road. I really dislike this time of year because simple things in life like spending holidays with a S/O is something that I have always wanted but I'll be fine.

[divegrl]

Field of lavender and beachhead!! Glad to see you guys posting again!!!

 

Just wanted to say I love your posts and hope you are doing well?

[fieldoflavender]

Sounds about right. You got pain and your ideas of love and relationships have been shaken up. Dating and trying to figure out yourself while trying to get passed the past and find that partner is like trying to reach a destination that has no road for you to follow. What works for one person doesn't work for the other necessarily in that journey. Its tough.

 

Not doing too well tbh and when I get into this state of mind, I can go completely dark so I just disappear from everyones sight. Had a job interview that didn't work out. It triggered a lot of insecurity, resentment, a feel of being lost and unsettled. Pisses me off that I will forever be trying to catch up to a place where I should already be by the expectations of others..and I will have constantly fight those thoughts. To add to it, I've been going to a lot of weddings and seeing a lot of people getting engaged. It just all just adds up. So I'm in process of working through it.

 

Sorry to hear that and I know the weddings and engagements thing always sends me into a bad spot each time. I know I should just stop caring and be happy for people, but it's always a pain in my chest. To be honest, sometimes it's incredibly silly, but it hurts me sometimes to see other girls around my age wearing a ring - as if it just means they were successful in that aspect of their life. But then I remember when I wore my ring and I felt proud that I finally succeeded - but it was only the beginning of a very dark end, so symbols only mean what you put into them. Don't worry about the expectations of others - like you said, we have to live for ourselves and for our own pace. I think given everything, we're doing the best we can. Hang in there!

 

Field of lavender and beachhead!! Glad to see you guys posting again!!!

 

Just wanted to say I love your posts and hope you are doing well?

 

 

divegirl, glad to see you again too! Hope things are okay with everyone. I'm okay overall, much better than the darkness I was in almost 2 years ago. I trust a lot less, but overall, I'm happier with where I am in life. Life isn't perfect, but I don't think it ever will be.

 

I would still like to find someone, I don't know if I still can, but I guess I can on/off still look. I'm trying to come terms with that as a girl, I may end up not having a natural child of my own as I age, but good thing I'm not that into kids and there is always adoption. Guys definitely have it better that way. They could meet an amazing younger woman in her 20's when they are in their 40's or 50's and still be a natural parent. But my happiness is more important than my biological clock.

 

Sometimes I go back into dark spots - and miss my ex, miss the good things we once shared, and miss having someone who cared about me. But then he didn't really ultimately in the end, and I guess that's the message I should ultimately remember from the experience. But I think I'm slowly getting over it more and healing as I remember a bit more of the good stuff and less of all the anger/resentment. Sometimes it becomes a blur and I don't even know how much of it I really remember. It seems like some sort of dream - someone else's life.

 

I am also slowly getting over the friend who doesn't reciprocate my feelings and I am trying to depend on him less.

 

Slow steady steps - one day at a time.

 

Some days will be harder than others. But they are all part of our journey. Maybe there is someone one day who will appreciate the person I've come to be. I'm scarred up and I'm not perfect - I still have a short temper sometimes, I get doubtful sometimes, and I find it super hard to trust. But I've grown a lot, and I will certainly value love if I ever find it. And I will work really hard to preserve a good relationship if I am in one again. I will work really hard to do the right things this time. I don't know if there is someone out there who will be willing to get to know me - I really hope so. That's all we can do - hope?

[fieldoflavender]

Mac and Beach, it sucks that we all three had to experience such devastation. You two were spot on with all of your advice and feedback from the start and I can't thank you enough. It's definitely a experience that'll keep me more guarded down the road. I really dislike this time of year because simple things in life like spending holidays with a S/O is something that I have always wanted but I'll be fine.

 

Holidays are especially rough, but I remember the one holiday I shared with my ex - we were "together" but at times, I cried myself to sleep and felt more lonely than if I was just simply actually alone. There were happy times of course too during the holidays even with him. Thinking of them causes me great pain. But at the end of the day - I've learned to find friends and enjoy the things I always wanted to enjoy with a significant other. My experiences by myself and with friends are valuable and likely won't cause me as much pain as one with a potential future ex.

 

Got to look at the bright side right?

[Beachead]

Feel miserable.. why is it every time I feel down I take a look at IG ( removed my FB years ago) and do not have any other social media accounts. But when on IG I always look where I shouldn't..I think I do it to fuel the negative way I am feeling, because when happier I never look. And as always it never fails to do the job!

 

Because you're likely like many of us. You're down and you're looking for another human being in your world who can understand your pain and share in your struggle, to make you feel like you're doing okay. Only, you end up seeing everyone posting up on their vacations, wedding celebrations, the birth of their children, new jobs, accomplishments etc. Because you're coming from a dark place filled with insecurity and pain, you are vulnerable to comparing that to everyone's seemingly "amazing lives" forgetting that they choose what they want to show you and omit the struggles, pain, loss, tears that are behind the scenes. Gives this illusion that everyone is killing it in life.

 

It's good you disconnected from social media apps but the thing is, seems like what made you leave those platform you've compensated with Instagram. I would deactivate your account and delete the app and keep it deleted for a long time until I regain my personal strength again. All that noise in your head will subside and you'll be able to get more focused on you because you won't be bombarded by these things. Stay strong.

 

- Beach

Edited October 10, 2018 by Beachead

[divegrl]

Sorry to hear that and I know the weddings and engagements thing always sends me into a bad spot each time. I know I should just stop caring and be happy for people, but it's always a pain in my chest. To be honest, sometimes it's incredibly silly, but it hurts me sometimes to see other girls around my age wearing a ring - as if it just means they were successful in that aspect of their life. But then I remember when I wore my ring and I felt proud that I finally succeeded - but it was only the beginning of a very dark end, so symbols only mean what you put into them. Don't worry about the expectations of others - like you said, we have to live for ourselves and for our own pace. I think given everything, we're doing the best we can. Hang in there!

 

 

 

 

divegirl, glad to see you again too! Hope things are okay with everyone. I'm okay overall, much better than the darkness I was in almost 2 years ago. I trust a lot less, but overall, I'm happier with where I am in life. Life isn't perfect, but I don't think it ever will be.

 

I would still like to find someone, I don't know if I still can, but I guess I can on/off still look. I'm trying to come terms with that as a girl, I may end up not having a natural child of my own as I age, but good thing I'm not that into kids and there is always adoption. Guys definitely have it better that way. They could meet an amazing younger woman in her 20's when they are in their 40's or 50's and still be a natural parent. But my happiness is more important than my biological clock.

 

Sometimes I go back into dark spots - and miss my ex, miss the good things we once shared, and miss having someone who cared about me. But then he didn't really ultimately in the end, and I guess that's the message I should ultimately remember from the experience. But I think I'm slowly getting over it more and healing as I remember a bit more of the good stuff and less of all the anger/resentment. Sometimes it becomes a blur and I don't even know how much of it I really remember. It seems like some sort of dream - someone else's life.

 

I am also slowly getting over the friend who doesn't reciprocate my feelings and I am trying to depend on him less.

 

Slow steady steps - one day at a time.

 

Some days will be harder than others. But they are all part of our journey. Maybe there is someone one day who will appreciate the person I've come to be. I'm scarred up and I'm not perfect - I still have a short temper sometimes, I get doubtful sometimes, and I find it super hard to trust. But I've grown a lot, and I will certainly value love if I ever find it. And I will work really hard to preserve a good relationship if I am in one again. I will work really hard to do the right things this time. I don't know if there is someone out there who will be willing to get to know me - I really hope so. That's all we can do - hope?

 

Hi Lavender!

 

So glad you are doing better. Yes I relate to your post. It’s hard when we have something that we desire, but do not have control over.

 

I was talking with a friend yesterday and she said that this will be a growing experience. I told her, I’ve had enough growing experiences! But I guess that’s what life is. Just trusting that all good things are coming to us. And finding joy in the small things.

 

Well you are beautiful and the right person will come. That’s what I’m believing for myself. Have a wonderful day. Sending love!

 

Hugs my friend.

[Beachead]

Mac and Beach, it sucks that we all three had to experience such devastation. You two were spot on with all of your advice and feedback from the start and I can't thank you enough. It's definitely a experience that'll keep me more guarded down the road. I really dislike this time of year because simple things in life like spending holidays with a S/O is something that I have always wanted but I'll be fine.

 

I've learned just as much from you as you have from me friend. I'm glad you're doing considerably better than you were before. That's an important note to make. It gets better. But it was a blow to your life and I know exactly how it feels.

 

Do we get into a relationship accepting that we we will never be perfect knowing there will always be incomplete parts, weaknesses, insecurities..and then hope for our partner to fill the gaps..or..do we make it our responsibility have it all together as best we can? I think about it often and conclude that there has to be a balance of both. At the very least, we have to be able to find our smile on our own but its important to understand that we can never have it all together in life or spirit.

 

A lot of people see relationships as 50/50 when it's more 80/20 on both sides. More giving than taking. When you're with someone who really gives you more than they take..you feel the love through their actions. When you feel that, it makes you want to give back just as much, if not more. You trust them, you respect them. Neither of you expect anything back because you're willing to give more than you get. Things like forgiveness, compassion, kindness, acknowledgement, forgiveness. That to me is a healthy relationship; a loving one.

 

People get there when they find peace in the good they already have, find joy in the simple things, and forgive themselves for their imperfections. They go into a relationship largely at peace..doesn't mean they have it all together. They're just at peace.

 

But a lot of people in this day and age are not at peace with themselves and so they use the relationship or the person as a tool to mend what's broken inside. They get into relationships to take far more than they give. They use relationships and people to solely put them back together again and that's wrong. People like that..kill relationships. They are takers. They are 80/20 on the taking side. Not the giving side. That was your ex. That wasn't you and I don't think you should solely blame yourself. Your ex was trainwreck if you don't mind me saying and guess what..she's going to take far more than she gives to the guy she's now with as well.

 

I have absolute confidence that you are going to be a force in the future. You're very aware of yourself and you are always prepared to improve. That to me is the mark of fighter. You're going to be okay.

 

- Beach

Edited October 10, 2018 by Beachead

[Beachead]

Field of lavender and beachhead!! Glad to see you guys posting again!!!

 

Just wanted to say I love your posts and hope you are doing well?

 

Hey divegrl,

 

It's good to hear from you . I appreciate the love. I also enjoy reading your posts. They remind me to focus on what's good in life.

 

I was feeling my mood slipping away and felt like it was beginning to interfere with my ability to give sound advice so I decided to step away for a bit. I wouldn't say I'm 100%. Nights get real hard to deal with these days but it's not regarding anyone in particular. It's just about the place I am in in my life at the moment. Fortunately for me, this is a more manageable and solvable problem for me than a broken heart.

 

Anyway. Are you doing well?

 

- Beach