How are you coping today?

[Cora]

Yesterday was really tough. And I am typing this morning because I did not sleep well...again. I think since it has been nearly 2 weeks since our last contact, the hope is slipping away and I have to come to the realization that he's not coming back so I can properly grieve this.

 

I keep trying to erase reminders of him in my life, but they keep popping up. I finally cleaned out my bathroom trashcan and found the condom we used. Now ask me if I threw it away? I am just not normal right now.

 

I flip on my Pandora and the radio station he added was still on there (another trigger). I go to my car, activate bluetooth, and his iPhone name is still listed as a connection device (another trigger). Go to the dining area, his iPhone charger he left is still here (another trigger). I just can't bother getting rid of all these things because another trigger will be around the corner.

 

How does a relationship that lasted less than 3 months has me more heartbroken than my relationship that lasted 7 years? Well that's the type of pain ghosting can cause. I tried figuring out if I should pity him with all he had going on, chalk it up as a 22 year old that is still maturing, or hate him. I think I need to hate him. Getting left like this is so cruel.

 

I am realizing why people ghost. It can't be summed up as cowardice. In a lot of our situations these people made a lot of promises and made up a lot of fluff. In my own situation, he pressured me to say "I love you" first. He wanted to relocate, and was calling my home "our home." They ghost when they realize they told you a lot of lovey dovey stuff they can't back. They would have to admit that it was all the lie. But they won't. They rather you feel uncomfortable than them. Someone summed it perfectly regarding coping with being ghosted: It's not the letting go that is the hardest; it's the letting go and not knowing why you have to.

 

I understand what you’re going through completely. I was ghosted as well a little over three years ago never to hear from him again. The last time I saw him he slept over at my place. For awhile after I couldn’t change the sheets on my bed (gross I know) because they smelled like him. I wanted to keep that smell for as long as I could. Our thing was playing scrabble every weekend. I could not bear to even open up the game after he left. It’s just been sitting on a shelf collecting dust. Brought back too many memories that hurt. I did manage to open up the box a couple months ago. All the old scrap paper he used to keep score on was still in there. Still couldn’t bring myself to throw it away. Silly I know. Funny how that’s all I have left of him are a few pieces of scrap paper with his handwriting on them. That and the memories.

[Cora]

I know how you feel. I don't have a solution..not one anyone would like anyway.

 

I accepted my situation and I accepted that I was not relationship material. If I was, I'd have been with someone by now. I accepted that I was a broken person. But, I stopped letting people tell me "One day it'll happen for you too." I stopped blaming myself. I stopped trying to change for others. I stopped listening to that idea that someone will come and rescue you.

 

I just moved on with my life. But I had to be pushed enough to get there. It didn't happen overnight. It was years of being worn down to nothing. The problems for me were far more than just bad relationships but in summary, I reached a point where I was spent. Was consumed by so much rage, sadness and hate. I wanted to end it. Anything anyone told me that promised hope pissed me off because I was tired. For a week, on my commute from work, I thought about how I was going to end it. I had total control of when I could end my life and it was in that realization, I started seeing things differently. If I could end it at any point without a problem, why not go on another day and see if something would change? I obviously didn't care anymore. I had no fears. No limits. Everything wanted, never happened. That was the start. Real reasons that got me out of bed in the morning that had nothing to do with anybody but me, started to come to my mind over time. Long story short, from that lowest point, I came back far more focused in my life than I ever have been.

 

What people do to you has more to do with them than you and they're all going to hurt you. Especially the closest people in your life..because you love them the most so they affect you the most. How you take it in and let it manifest itself is in your control.

99% don't care and the 1% who do, can't help you anyway because the problem is inside your mind. To save yourself, comes down to how strong your desire is to live is.

 

People and their sh*t isn't worth destroying my life over anymore. I take all that pain they cause me from the stupid things they do and will continue to do and I convert it to anger and that anger motivates me to focus on the things that light me up in my life. By process, I go on to discover better people, better things, more accomplishments. I break out of rut.

 

That's all I got. I'm sorry but I hope there is some merit in what I'm saying.

 

- Beach

 

Thank you. What you said makes a lot of sense. You’re always willing to respond and try to help people on here. It’s much appreciated. You’re a good person. Thanks again.

[hope86]

With all do respect, after reading your posts -it sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do. It sounds like your brothers friend may be experiencing a mental breakdown which can be caused by deeper issues then the breakup itself.

 

I appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.

[JP92]

Starting to feel pretty good and indifferent about her. No longer checking up on her social media has helped me a lot. At this point, she's basically a stranger. The time apart has been practically as long as our time spent together. She is a person who I will never see again and never be in contact with for the rest of my life. I tell myself that all the time because it is true and it has helped me heal. I realize now that when I feel a little down and think I miss her, it is really me missing companionship. I put her on a pedestal for awhile due to her behavior during the relationship, but now I make sure the only memories I associate with her are post breakup. No person who ripped your heart out in the fashion she ripped mine out and made me feel as awful as I have felt should be associated with any fond memories.

 

I'm sure I'll have some weak moments around the holidays but I acknowledge now that it has more to do with longing for a partner than longing for her.

[fieldoflavender]

Think about that first part you mentioned. Does it make you feel like you matter? Make you feel alive? You can be successful at your career, earn lots of money, maybe have some good days in that pursuit etc. but that doesn't mean it brings you peace, makes you feel human or alive.

 

Teaching people music..that's my thing. It's not my career and I don't even think of it as a job even though I do get paid for my instruction. But what really makes it great is just seeing students light up when they're able to get a song down after struggling with it for weeks and knowing I had a role in it. I welcome the challenge of dealing with a student who has trouble or who's discouraged because it forces me to become a better instructor. I've seen people quit on themselves and then I've seen what happens when I show them a little bit encouragement and love. Kids, adults..they're all the same at their core and they're all the source of their own limits. Once I managed to unlock that realization in them, it changes the way they handle their problems. I did had a hand in that. Makes me feel good. Even if I have nobody, I have that.

 

Can you say you truly have something like this in your life?

 

The other thing I had to learn was not everything in regards to someone's actions is about us. Just because someone leaves or it doesn't work out, doesn't mean it's all our fault. It doesn't mean we're unlovable. Have confidence in yourself. Have faith in your future. But be prepared for the possibility that it won't happen for you..because what are you going to do if it doesn't? Coast through your life miserable as all h*ll, wishing your life could end?

 

Naw..be better than that.

 

As for your best guy friend not wanting you back, I assume you already told him how you feel and he rejected you? You two at the moment have a compromised friendship due to the feelings which means it's not a friendship at the moment. All your words and actions have hope and an ulterior motive behind them. You don't mean to, but you do. Respect yourself and put distance between him and you for awhile, if you want to heal. You don't heal burns by touching the flame again.

 

- Beach

 

Hey thanks for the reply. Yes we already had the talk, but we are in limbo right now. I guess he is kind of having his cake and eating it too - he feels no guilt since he already told me no relationship but he kind of is enjoying having a pseudo girlfriend without the sex or commitment.

 

I guess to me - I know it'll fail me in the long run, but it's better having him there than having NO ONE at all. I am actively looking for other people and if someone is serious, I will cut it down with him. He is important to me regardless of whatever - so I would like us to always be friends. But I can't behave like I am with him now texting about my day, inside jokes with sexual innuendo etc. I've had thoughts about whether I should just sleep with him on a casual basis - but yes I know that would be a VERY BAD IDEA.

 

I find less and less in common with people who have families. We are so different and I find them entitled with how their world revolves around their kids. Actually it's fine that their world does but they expect me to do the same.

 

It's hard finding other single people to be friends with when you're in your 30's. Hmm. What do you guys do?

[hope86]

today was brutal.damn..i just allowed myself to slip into the tunnel of thoughts of the future i could've had with my ex and the guy who is with her and I felt suicidal. So not sure what people mean by allowing yourself to feel. Not doing that again!

[sorano]

Starting to feel pretty good and indifferent about her. No longer checking up on her social media has helped me a lot. At this point, she's basically a stranger. The time apart has been practically as long as our time spent together. She is a person who I will never see again and never be in contact with for the rest of my life. I tell myself that all the time because it is true and it has helped me heal. I realize now that when I feel a little down and think I miss her, it is really me missing companionship. I put her on a pedestal for awhile due to her behavior during the relationship, but now I make sure the only memories I associate with her are post breakup. No person who ripped your heart out in the fashion she ripped mine out and made me feel as awful as I have felt should be associated with any fond memories.

 

I'm sure I'll have some weak moments around the holidays but I acknowledge now that it has more to do with longing for a partner than longing for her.

 

I can relate to everything you said. we put these people on a pedestal thinking they are the end all be all. Weekends suck, you don't know what to do with yourself, and certain songs and places hit home. Holidays at times hurt. I know the whole story.

 

It took me a long time to reach some peace. some moments, I get angry but they soon subside. I forget it and just move on. My ex as well, also ripped my heart out. Tossed me away like a dirty pair of shoes. Just an ugly dirty soul. Negative energy. I told her to cleanse her soul, say a few prayers. Thank god not all people act like that animal I dated.

 

I look at my ex like one of those greek or roman goddess statues that were created long ago. From afar, they look beautiful. The statue of the goddess radiates beauty and perfection. But, upon closer inspection, walking closer to the statue, you start to see cracks, flaws, splits, chips. The beautiful statue you were idolizing is not perfect.

[sorano]

I have seen how dating changed. How people treat each other. It's sad. Both men and women are at fault. yes there are still good people left but rare. But ladies...............come on.........

 

I browse profiles on dating sites. women are now getting full sleeve tattoos, pictures of them sky diving, they are all whisky experts, petting lions and cheetahs, bathing elephants, shooting machine guns and AK47S, want to go on vacation EVERY MONTH and want a travel buddy to go to the desert, japan, climb mt everest, ride buffalos in mongolia, etc etc.WTF is going on? How can a man approach women like this? They are MEN!!!

 

So I still hold to what I said two years ago on here. I have no desire to date anymore, be with a woman, have kids, family, etc. yes you can't let one bad seed ruin it all, but, I am not liking what I see out there and the dating scene. 100% content with myself. END RANT. Don't care what people think about what I said. just an observation after viewing millions of profiles and they are all cookie cutters. I didnt see this **** 10 years ago.

[Beachead]

Thank you. What you said makes a lot of sense. You’re always willing to respond and try to help people on here. It’s much appreciated. You’re a good person. Thanks again.

 

Thank you Cora. I'm glad it helped.

[Beachead]

I'm taking a break from Loveshack.

 

I have learned tremendously from all the people who have come and gone on here and I also hope I was able to help many as well.

 

It gets better. When it does, you'll be a better person for it but, you cannot sit and do nothing. Cry, but keep pushing on and take responsibility for yourself. No one can fix you because the fractures are within. Having said that, expect scars that ache from time to time. They will go when they go. Just let it be.

 

I wish everyone the best on their journey back.

 

- Beach

Edited September 5, 2018 by Beachead

[Fguiopm]

Honestly, I’m not coping. I just wanna talk about it all day and I know my friends are tired of me. On the outside I’m faking happy as much as I can but I’m hurting. I miss him so much and what we shared but I know I can never get him back, Iwas a bad girlfriend sometimes. He was just waiting for me to break up with him cause he told me he wasn’t man enough to do it at that point. He told me he didn’t like being around me anymore and that I drained the life out of him.

 

I wrote him a long 4 page letter explaining and apologizing for my wrongs in the relationship. Did I expect him to fly back into my arms? Definitely not but each time he agrees to meet up he’ll back out. I’m just ugh like why am I like this. And I keep apologizing like every 3 days and he always responds like just ugh. I was supposed to start no contact two days ago then today I decided to send “one last text” just telling him I’m sorry I could only love him the best way I knew how and that if it wasn’t for me we probably wouldn’t worked. He said he wasn’t me to forgive myself and that I know what I have to do (move on). It’s just to gonna hurt seeing him be loved by another woman the way I should’ve loved him.

[Orokotikki]

I tell myself that if my fWW turns WW, I will figure it out like I did before - be out the door - and live some more.

 

Couldn't help but rhyme a little for some reason.

Maybe I have poor impulse control.

[Cupid's Puppet]

Well I am coming up on the 3rd week. Things aren't as bad as they were the first week, but man I sure want out of this hell. Just the other day I thought it was weird I hadn't had a dream about him. And today, it happened. I was so mad. I knew exactly what the dream meant, too.

 

I dreamed I was in my living room. And then I heard one of my apps ring from the other room. I thought to myself that it may have been him; though my expectations were low. Then it stopped ringing. I went to my bedroom and checked my phone, and there was his name. I started to call him back, but I couldn't. At that point, I woke up.

 

That dream symbolized the way I have felt everyday since he vanished. Every day I hope he responds, if only to let me know why he vanished. I have no desire to reunite. I just want to know why he ran away from me. But I also feel if we were ever in contact again I wouldn't know what to say. Sigh.

[hope86]

What devastates me is not the breakup itself(well that's painful too), it's the thought of not having the future with her and ofcourse that she's with another guy and she could've easily have been mine if I had simply agreed to marry her. If only I knew how much heartbreak hurts I would've married her just to avoid this pain. I feel like giving up.

[divegrl]

I'm taking a break from Loveshack.

 

I have learned tremendously from all the people who have come and gone on here and I also hope I was able to help many as well.

 

It gets better. When it does, you'll be a better person for it but, you cannot sit and do nothing. Cry, but keep pushing on and take responsibility for yourself. No one can fix you because the fractures are within. Having said that, expect scars that ache from time to time. They will go when they go. Just let it be.

 

I wish everyone the best on their journey back.

 

- Beach

 

Thank you for all your thoughtfulness and compassion. We will miss you.

[hope86]

I'm taking a break from Loveshack.

 

I have learned tremendously from all the people who have come and gone on here and I also hope I was able to help many as well.

 

It gets better. When it does, you'll be a better person for it but, you cannot sit and do nothing. Cry, but keep pushing on and take responsibility for yourself. No one can fix you because the fractures are within. Having said that, expect scars that ache from time to time. They will go when they go. Just let it be.

 

I wish everyone the best on their journey back.

 

- Beach

 

Damn Going to miss you

[Cupid's Puppet]

I have learned some new coping strategies this go-round. Getting ghosted is a whole new low in my love life. Anyways, some things I have done in addition to the typical "exercise, socialize, get busy" stuff are:

 

1. I started popping painkillers by week 3 but I did so responsibly. The headaches were so strong because my brain kept going in a loop trying to figure out why my body was in pain and what did I overlook that caused the pain to happen in the first place. I usually just took a single Aleve and the pain would subside including the thoughts (temporarily though).

 

2. I listen to a lot of motivation videos, and not necessarily on love, relationships, or breakups. I listen to entrepreneurial type videos like habits of the wealthy. It helps me regain focus on all the other goals I have in life other than finding Mr. Right.

 

3. I'm putting myself out there even though I am not completely healed. I understand the logic of not jumping back in there too quickly, but I found that the more time I spend away from dating, the more I forget the lessons learned from the last dud.

 

4. Speaking of, I am casually talking to a new guy. I don't see a future with him. We're just having fun. But he did something that made me think of a new strategy in case heartbreak strikes again. He called me this morning. Every morning since being ghosted I would wake up in panic. I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare because the ex was the first person I thought about. It was absolutely making me sick to start my day thinking about him.

 

So when this new guy called, for once, my mind was off my ex. I felt safe. No panic attack. So something I may employ in the future is to ask my loved ones to give me a wakeup call so those who still love me can be first on my mind in the morning, and not a crappy ex who probably stopped caring about me the day after he met me.

[Metroknox]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm about 3 months into post breakup. It seems like my mind is getting kind of bored/tired of thinking of this breakup all of the time. Almost as if you have the same song on repeat constantly. I'm not 100% yet, but this is a new feeling.

 

 

Is this normal?

[JP92]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm about 3 months into post breakup. It seems like my mind is getting kind of bored/tired of thinking of this breakup all of the time. Almost as if you have the same song on repeat constantly. I'm not 100% yet, but this is a new feeling.

 

 

Is this normal?

 

Very normal. For me, I analyzed everything about the relationship/breakup for a long time and what could have been done differently until I got sick of letting the past control my present mindset.

[fieldoflavender]

I still think about it in times of low's and it's been over a year. If something impacted you hard, it's very hard to completely forget about it. Sometimes our minds will float to those times and especially if you get hurt again or get reminded of painful events. But at least I'm not completely consumed by it like I was immediately post-break up.

[SteadyPace]

Not too bad.. day 14 of NC from a LDR A.. each day gets better.

[hope86]

Is therapy a big scam? Does it really cure anything or its just temporary relief like anti-depressants etc?

[Nachocheese]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm about 3 months into post breakup. It seems like my mind is getting kind of bored/tired of thinking of this breakup all of the time. Almost as if you have the same song on repeat constantly. I'm not 100% yet, but this is a new feeling.

 

 

Is this normal?

 

Not sure if its normal but I am also thinking of the same thing. “I’m tired and wasting so much energy and time on this break up. I think its a sign that there are way much better things to do in life. As we all know life is so random.. we were together then next thin you know its over. We might be alive today and next week, dead. No point in wasting so much energy in the past.

 

Look back never forget the good memories and treasure them. Be critical on your actions during the relationship and try to be a better version of you!

 

Here is another coping tip I realized earlier. Listen to new feel good music.. dont listen to the music you listened to when you were hearthbroken. Its time to discover new things. Better days ahead my friend enough with these songs in loop!

Edited September 18, 2018 by Nachocheese

[JP92]

Simply do not care anymore. Whatever the future holds, she won't be a part of it and I am more than okay with that fact.

 

Took awhile to get to this stage, but it feels good. Heartbreak is so devastating and feels like it'll be with you forever and I thought my life was "ruined", but you slowly and slowly detach over time and get used to life without that person. If they were the one, they wouldn't have hurt you in the first place.

Edited September 26, 2018 by JP92

[hope86]

why doesn't knowing nothing lasts forever which is a fact doesn't help us cope?