How are you coping today?

[Cupid's Puppet]

I found myself taking more breaks at work than normal. Cried a few times today. Felt pretty weak, too. Struggled to breathe. My body keeps shaking. I'm still in shock. And I am ashamed, embarrassed. I guess I was supposed to see this coming. I imagine him with no remorse. Probably laughed every time I reached out to him. I feel like this grief will taking longer than necessary. When you're ghosted, you're stuck in the denial face for much longer. I feel like this didn't really happen to me. I can't think of how I could have loved him any harder to not let him disregard me without a goodbye.

[Minneloa]

I am not coping with a breakup or even a recent loss, but I am in the middle of a difficult transition period in which I feel isolated and neglected. I am trying to combat my feeling of loneliness and self-pity with a few strategies, such as yoga, but the results have been mixed. Luckily, I go back to work tomorrow, a much-needed distraction.

 

Good thoughts to others who are struggling right now!

 

M.

[JP92]

@Mac0908 and @JP92

 

Blamed myself as well for a long time. Eventually you come to realize if you know in your heart you did the best you could and they left anyway, they were always going to leave and nothing you could have done would have made the difference.

 

In all 3 of our cases, our exes left us to return to their exes. Them leaving really had nothing to do with us. The experiences we shared with them were simply a function of their personal war within themselves. Doesn't feel good to be used like that but atleast we can sleep at night knowing we weren't the wrong ones in our respective situations.

 

It just takes some time for our hearts to catch up to what our mind already knows.

 

Turns out, my ex got engaged to a new person. Not an ex. So in my case, she was always open to an "upgrade" in the back of her head the entire time. Not sure if that makes me feel better or worse, but the outcome stay the same.

 

Had an awesome vacation in Vegas and it definitely boosted my confidence. Had a lot of good interactions with interesting people and definitely had moments where I felt like my old self.

 

I must say that I am still a bit disappointed with myself. Disappointed because the one thing I haven't completely let go of is the social media checking. Like once a week, I'll get curious beyond belief and check. That's how I learned it was a new guy and not an ex. It's so easy to unblock/block and I don't want to let go of my profile completely because it's helping me make new friends and get looks from women. Self-control is something I have to continue to actively work on improving in all areas of life.

[Beachead]

Turns out, my ex got engaged to a new person. Not an ex. So in my case, she was always open to an "upgrade" in the back of her head the entire time. Not sure if that makes me feel better or worse, but the outcome stay the same.

 

Had an awesome vacation in Vegas and it definitely boosted my confidence. Had a lot of good interactions with interesting people and definitely had moments where I felt like my old self.

 

I must say that I am still a bit disappointed with myself. Disappointed because the one thing I haven't completely let go of is the social media checking. Like once a week, I'll get curious beyond belief and check. That's how I learned it was a new guy and not an ex. It's so easy to unblock/block and I don't want to let go of my profile completely because it's helping me make new friends and get looks from women. Self-control is something I have to continue to actively work on improving in all areas of life.

 

The weird things people do huh? Amazes me how she was still talking to you and then this happened almost immediately following. Things don't just come out of nowhere when it comes down to this stuff. She must have met him while with you. If so, for her to get engaged so quickly after coming out of out of a relationship, one has to ask, how legit are her feelings for him? Does she even know what she wants from life?

 

In any case, find that strength to block. If there was anything to be gained from unblocking, it would be seeing her with someone else and letting that shock push you onward in your life without her. You have received that shock now so now it's time to block.

 

- Beach

Edited August 21, 2018 by Beachead

[Cupid's Puppet]

I am coping a little better today, but it's still tough. I been playing his last messages over and over in my head. Since I was ghosted, I am still in denial, complete shock. I have been scouring the net reading about ghosting because it is hard to accept this happened to me. I didn't know I had gotten involved with a disrespectful coward who enjoyed playing mind games.

 

I would have never thought that relationship would bring me back to the Coping forum on Loveshack. I thought it was finally going to be the relationship that would make me join the Getting Married forum. I was so excited thinking about coming back to this site and encouraging some young lady that one day you will find the man of your dreams despite the heartbreak you are experiencing. But alas, here I am once again crying my hopeless heart out.

[hope86]

I don't know if this is normal but there are times when I get caught in some sort of web of thought where I feel lifeless for maybe 5 or 10 mins(not timed it) and I'm just stuck in the thought of my ex. Then after that I'm back in the present. This keeps happening to me regularly. Any thing I can do to break this pattern?

 

It's like i'm consciously unconsicous. My friend was hey man are you there? Did you listen to what I just said. Is this normal or is this really bad?

[Beachead]

I don't know if this is normal but there are times when I get caught in some sort of web of thought where I feel lifeless for maybe 5 or 10 mins(not timed it) and I'm just stuck in the thought of my ex. Then after that I'm back in the present. This keeps happening to me regularly. Any thing I can do to break this pattern?

 

It's like i'm consciously unconsicous. My friend was hey man are you there? Did you listen to what I just said. Is this normal or is this really bad?

 

It's normal man.

 

About a week or two after my break up, I went to a friend's birthday party even though I wasn't feel up to it. I was okay at first but halfway into the party, I started to zone out..just like you are describing here. When I came to, I realize my facial expressions were showing my pain. My friends picked up on it and asked me if I was okay. I lied and smiled and said I was but was broken inside. I remember going to the bathroom in between times, tipsy off of alcohol, just to look at my phone to see if she had sent me a message. When I saw nothing, it was like my heart broke in two all over again. The worst part about it was I knew the party would end at some point and I'd have to go home and lie in my bed with my thoughts again.

 

That was a year ago. Things have changed significantly. I get thoughts still but it doesn't cripple me. Time fixed it. Time and not giving up on myself.

 

Right now, things are fresh. Use Loveshack to help you. G out with friends, confide in them. Write your thoughts and feelings into a journal with no restrictions. I can't express to you how powerful writing is. Let it all out. As long as you let yourself feel it, you're on the right track.

 

Secondly, restructure your routine and switch some things up. Change jobs, take a course or a certificate to advance your career. Join something quiet and solo or join a group oriented activity that'll get you meeting new people or join both. If things feels too overwhelming at the moment to do that or you feel like you've put too much on your plate, cut some things out. Because sometimes, not doing anything for awhile is still moving forward as well.

 

- Beach

Edited August 22, 2018 by Beachead

[hope86]

It's normal man.

 

About a week or two after my break up, I went to a friend's birthday party even though I wasn't feel up to it. I was okay at first but halfway into the party, I started to zone out..just like you are describing here. When I came to, I realize my facial expressions were showing my pain. My friends picked up on it and asked me if I was okay. I lied and smiled and said I was but was broken inside. I remember going to the bathroom in between times, tipsy off of alcohol, just to look at my phone to see if she had sent me a message. When I saw nothing, it was like my heart broke in two all over again. The worst part about it was I knew the party would end at some point and I'd have to go home and lie in my bed with my thoughts again.

 

That was a year ago. Things have changed significantly. I get thoughts still but it doesn't cripple me. Time fixed it. Time and not giving up on myself.

 

Right now, things are fresh. Use Loveshack to help you. G out with friends, confide in them. Write your thoughts and feelings into a journal with no restrictions. I can't express to you how powerful writing is. Let it all out. As long as you let yourself feel it, you're on the right track.

 

Secondly, restructure your routine and switch some things up. Change jobs, take a course or a certificate to advance your career. Join something quiet and solo or join a group oriented activity that'll get you meeting new people or join both. If things feels too overwhelming at the moment to do that or you feel like you've put too much on your plate, cut some things out. Because sometimes, not doing anything for awhile is still moving forward as well.

 

- Beach

 

Thanks. I feel good reading this.

[JP92]

The weird things people do huh? Amazes me how she was still talking to you and then this happened almost immediately following. Things don't just come out of nowhere when it comes down to this stuff. She must have met him while with you. If so, for her to get engaged so quickly after coming out of out of a relationship, one has to ask, how legit are her feelings for him? Does she even know what she wants from life?

 

In any case, find that strength to block. If there was anything to be gained from unblocking, it would be seeing her with someone else and letting that shock push you onward in your life without her. You have received that shock now so now it's time to block.

 

- Beach

Annoying how people like that enter our lives when we would have been better off without them. Yeah, the lessons are valuable, but avoiding the pain would have been better than any lesson. I know I'd be a much happier human being right now had I never met her. That's the part that eats at me. But I'm going to continue to work on me and become the best person I can beome so I can look back one day and see value in this experience instead of memories of dwelling and sadness. I don't need/want to give up on myself....enough people have given up on me already. I'd say I am 90% healed. Not where I want to be, but I still look back to the early days where 90% felt impossible. You are right that the shock is what I needed. It was like reopening the wound but it I found it necessary.

Edited August 22, 2018 by JP92

[Beachead]

Annoying how people like that enter our lives when we would have been better off without them. Yeah, the lessons are valuable, but avoiding the pain would have been better than any lesson. I know I'd be a much happier human being right now had I never met her. That's the part that eats at me. But I'm going to continue to work on me and become the best person I can beome so I can look back one day and see value in this experience instead of memories of dwelling and sadness. I don't need/want to give up on myself....enough people have given up on me already. I'd say I am 90% healed. Not where I want to be, but I still look back to the early days where 90% felt impossible. You are right that the shock is what I needed. It was like reopening the wound but it I found it necessary.

 

That part you said that I've bolded is what I tell myself everyday. I have no choice but to press on forward. Otherwise, experiences like the ones I've dealt with will destroy my will to live and finish me off..all over what? A piece of sh*t?

 

Naw..no way. She doesn't get that power over me.

 

I've been given up on as well and that's how I learned what I was made of. So when a few kind people did offer help and support, it was pleasant surprise and a bonus for me. You're all you need to get things done. People at the end of the day, won't always be around. As Bob Marley once said, "Everyone's going to hurt you..you just have to find the ones worth suffering for." And it's true. It's always the ones I love the most that hurt me the most because I love them the most. For me, it's my family. I will take sh*t only from them because they are worth it. For you, it may be a different set of people. But in the end, you have to do whats best for you and go your way. Make 100 mistakes or make the same mistake 100 times if you need to, brush off the judgements and know that its okay (As long as you are not hurting someone) because that's how we grow and get better.

 

- Beach

Edited August 22, 2018 by Beachead

[ConflictedPerson]

I'm not doing well today. A few weeks post-break up, and I think I've cried more today than any other, and it'l barely 5:00. I'm worried that I'm not making progress.

[Cupid's Puppet]

^^^Hey don't worry. Today was a really tough day for me, too. It doesn't mean you're not making progress. Healing isn't a linear upwards slope. You're going to have peaks and valleys. Trust the process. Take breaks when you feel overwhelmed.

[Logo]

I went out this evening and came across someone who looks like my ex girlfriend, the mannerisms, the way she does her hair, the jacket she wore, she even looked very similar and as soon as I saw her all the memories came flooding in, reminding me of how happy I was when I first met my ex and we were dating and enjoying each other’s company.

 

All of a sudden, I felt lonely and the thought of having the same intense feelings for someone else in the future seemed impossible.

 

It hit me hard.

 

My ex wasn’t the person I first thought she was. So those memories will remain forever in the past. I don’t know what to do with them. It’s ironic how good memories can make us sad.

[Cora]

It’s been over three years since I was left in the most cruel way by the man I adored and loved. It took me awhile to get over him....the longest it’s taken me to get over anyone, but I finally did. Although I still get twinges of pain in the pit of my stomach whenever I hear a song that reminds me of him or pass a car that looks like his....but I think that’s normal right?

 

I’ve dated before him and dated a few guys after him, but no one compared to what I felt with him. Most of those guys hurt me too...not as bad as he did, but they definitely left their mark.

 

I stopped dating completely back in December. Haven’t been on a date, talked to a guy or been on a dating site since. I’ve just stopped looking entirely. Just the thought of going on a date makes me feel sick. Do I wish I could fall in love again with someone great? Sure I do. But it just angers me how many people out there have no regard for others feelings. Why would I want to spend my time with someone like that? Why would I want to put myself in that position to be used and lied to again? To be ghosted without a goodbye by someone I spent months getting to know? Made me think our time together meant nothing to him. More and more of these people are out there. They are everywhere.

 

I’m very bitter and angry. It seems to be getting worse with each passing year and I don’t know how to change that? So how do you stop being so bitter? I don’t like this person I’ve become, but it’s the only way I I know how to protect myself.

[hope86]

Saw a couple getting photographed infront of a fountain and I almost started crying. Then I saw a couple making out and this one hurt me in the sense thinking that that guy must be doing the same to her. Today was painful.

[hope86]

How do I know that I'm recovering and not going into depression?

[Realitysux]

How do I know that I'm recovering and not going into depression?

 

Worrying about how you are feeling, isn't going to change how you feel. What you're experiencing is probably similar -if not a depression. It is completely normal and will take time. In my experience, the number one way to get over heartache, is to find things in your own life that you enjoy. It is okay to have days when you aren't as productive as you feel you should be, but there are days you are going to have to dig deep and push yourself a little. It may seem like this person is the end all be all but they are not. I assure you that you will eventually look back at this time and see that for yourself. The fact is that you can and will move on. My experience is also that a lot of people who do not, don't want to.

[Beachead]

How do I know that I'm recovering and not going into depression?

 

Feeling sad is a part of your recovery and it's completely normal.

 

When you lose someone, you're in shock for awhile. The pain gets so overwhelming, your brain just shuts you off to protect you and thats why many of us go into denial or feel numb with aches of anger and sadness here and there. We might avoid exposing ourself to people and situations that remind us of it. That protection helps us get over the initial paralysis.

 

As we start to recuperate from that shock, our mind release a little bit of reality one small dose at a time. We'll process it slowly. It can actually feel worse at this point than it did during day one. The only way to get passed the pain is to go through it..not around it.

 

So keep writing. Keep working yourself. Let yourself feel it. Ride it out.

 

It gets better when it gets better

 

- Beach

Edited August 28, 2018 by Beachead

[Beachead]

It’s been over three years since I was left in the most cruel way by the man I adored and loved. It took me awhile to get over him....the longest it’s taken me to get over anyone, but I finally did. Although I still get twinges of pain in the pit of my stomach whenever I hear a song that reminds me of him or pass a car that looks like his....but I think that’s normal right?

 

I’ve dated before him and dated a few guys after him, but no one compared to what I felt with him. Most of those guys hurt me too...not as bad as he did, but they definitely left their mark.

 

I stopped dating completely back in December. Haven’t been on a date, talked to a guy or been on a dating site since. I’ve just stopped looking entirely. Just the thought of going on a date makes me feel sick. Do I wish I could fall in love again with someone great? Sure I do. But it just angers me how many people out there have no regard for others feelings. Why would I want to spend my time with someone like that? Why would I want to put myself in that position to be used and lied to again? To be ghosted without a goodbye by someone I spent months getting to know? Made me think our time together meant nothing to him. More and more of these people are out there. They are everywhere.

 

I’m very bitter and angry. It seems to be getting worse with each passing year and I don’t know how to change that? So how do you stop being so bitter? I don’t like this person I’ve become, but it’s the only way I I know how to protect myself.

 

I know how you feel. I don't have a solution..not one anyone would like anyway.

 

I accepted my situation and I accepted that I was not relationship material. If I was, I'd have been with someone by now. I accepted that I was a broken person. But, I stopped letting people tell me "One day it'll happen for you too." I stopped blaming myself. I stopped trying to change for others. I stopped listening to that idea that someone will come and rescue you.

 

I just moved on with my life. But I had to be pushed enough to get there. It didn't happen overnight. It was years of being worn down to nothing. The problems for me were far more than just bad relationships but in summary, I reached a point where I was spent. Was consumed by so much rage, sadness and hate. I wanted to end it. Anything anyone told me that promised hope pissed me off because I was tired. For a week, on my commute from work, I thought about how I was going to end it. I had total control of when I could end my life and it was in that realization, I started seeing things differently. If I could end it at any point without a problem, why not go on another day and see if something would change? I obviously didn't care anymore. I had no fears. No limits. Everything wanted, never happened. That was the start. Real reasons that got me out of bed in the morning that had nothing to do with anybody but me, started to come to my mind over time. Long story short, from that lowest point, I came back far more focused in my life than I ever have been.

 

What people do to you has more to do with them than you and they're all going to hurt you. Especially the closest people in your life..because you love them the most so they affect you the most. How you take it in and let it manifest itself is in your control.

99% don't care and the 1% who do, can't help you anyway because the problem is inside your mind. To save yourself, comes down to how strong your desire is to live is.

 

People and their sh*t isn't worth destroying my life over anymore. I take all that pain they cause me from the stupid things they do and will continue to do and I convert it to anger and that anger motivates me to focus on the things that light me up in my life. By process, I go on to discover better people, better things, more accomplishments. I break out of rut.

 

That's all I got. I'm sorry but I hope there is some merit in what I'm saying.

 

- Beach

Edited August 29, 2018 by Beachead

[Cupid's Puppet]

Yesterday was really tough. And I am typing this morning because I did not sleep well...again. I think since it has been nearly 2 weeks since our last contact, the hope is slipping away and I have to come to the realization that he's not coming back so I can properly grieve this.

 

I keep trying to erase reminders of him in my life, but they keep popping up. I finally cleaned out my bathroom trashcan and found the condom we used. Now ask me if I threw it away? I am just not normal right now.

 

I flip on my Pandora and the radio station he added was still on there (another trigger). I go to my car, activate bluetooth, and his iPhone name is still listed as a connection device (another trigger). Go to the dining area, his iPhone charger he left is still here (another trigger). I just can't bother getting rid of all these things because another trigger will be around the corner.

 

How does a relationship that lasted less than 3 months has me more heartbroken than my relationship that lasted 7 years? Well that's the type of pain ghosting can cause. I tried figuring out if I should pity him with all he had going on, chalk it up as a 22 year old that is still maturing, or hate him. I think I need to hate him. Getting left like this is so cruel.

 

I am realizing why people ghost. It can't be summed up as cowardice. In a lot of our situations these people made a lot of promises and made up a lot of fluff. In my own situation, he pressured me to say "I love you" first. He wanted to relocate, and was calling my home "our home." They ghost when they realize they told you a lot of lovey dovey stuff they can't back. They would have to admit that it was all the lie. But they won't. They rather you feel uncomfortable than them. Someone summed it perfectly regarding coping with being ghosted: It's not the letting go that is the hardest; it's the letting go and not knowing why you have to.

[hope86]

Feeling sad is a part of your recovery and it's completely normal.

 

When you lose someone, you're in shock for awhile. The pain gets so overwhelming, your brain just shuts you off to protect you and thats why many of us go into denial or feel numb with aches of anger and sadness here and there. We might avoid exposing ourself to people and situations that remind us of it. That protection helps us get over the initial paralysis.

 

As we start to recuperate from that shock, our mind release a little bit of reality one small dose at a time. We'll process it slowly. It can actually feel worse at this point than it did during day one. The only way to get passed the pain is to go through it..not around it.

 

So keep writing. Keep working yourself. Let yourself feel it. Ride it out.

 

It gets better when it gets better

 

- Beach

 

 

I gotta ask you. Don't you think science is so retarded/backward when it comes to healing broken hearts? I mean we're in the 21st century and we've come a long way in healing deadly diseases but for this all we have is give it time and basically non-intrusive procedures. I just find that really unfortunate. Science needs to come up with a solution that when taken simply wipes your memory clean off your ex so you don't have to go through this seemingly unending ordeal.

 

I just feel like all this pain for a person who has found another guy and probably doesn't even think about me for a second is so unnecessary. It's just pure agony. Don't get me wrong pain can be good sometimes, the pain you get in the gym growing muscles, the pain you have at work when you make money, but this? This is just useless pain that noone should have to suffer.

Edited August 30, 2018 by hope86

[hope86]

There's this story of my brother's friend that I'm kindof scared of. He was in a relationship with a girl for 8 years and then she left him because he wasn't advancing in his career.

 

The breakup had such an impact on him that he's gone kindof mad. He makes FB accounts, sends friend requests and deletes his account after sometime and then again makes an account. Has his mugshot of a depressed face as his profile pic. Makes weird song compositions that make zero sense. He talks incoherently and laughs at things that are absurd and not funny.

 

I feel so sad seeing him that way because he was a class act, spoke well, had a good life before the breakup, had a great sense of humour. I just hope the same doesn't happen to me. Can't believe a relationship can ruin your life completely like this. Hate to say but I started disliking and distrusting women after seeing him suffer like this.

[Realitysux]

There's this story of my brother's friend that I'm kindof scared of. He was in a relationship with a girl for 8 years and then she left him because he wasn't advancing in his career.

 

The breakup had such an impact on him that he's gone kindof mad. He makes FB accounts, sends friend requests and deletes his account after sometime and then again makes an account. Has his mugshot of a depressed face as his profile pic. Makes weird song compositions that make zero sense. He talks incoherently and laughs at things that are absurd and not funny.

 

I feel so sad seeing him that way because he was a class act, spoke well, had a good life before the breakup, had a great sense of humour. I just hope the same doesn't happen to me. Can't believe a relationship can ruin your life completely like this. Hate to say but I started disliking and distrusting women after seeing him suffer like this.

 

With all do respect, after reading your posts -it sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do. It sounds like your brothers friend may be experiencing a mental breakdown which can be caused by deeper issues then the breakup itself.

[brokenheartszn]

Yesterday was really tough. And I am typing this morning because I did not sleep well...again. I think since it has been nearly 2 weeks since our last contact, the hope is slipping away and I have to come to the realization that he's not coming back so I can properly grieve this.

 

I keep trying to erase reminders of him in my life, but they keep popping up. I finally cleaned out my bathroom trashcan and found the condom we used. Now ask me if I threw it away? I am just not normal right now.

 

I flip on my Pandora and the radio station he added was still on there (another trigger). I go to my car, activate bluetooth, and his iPhone name is still listed as a connection device (another trigger). Go to the dining area, his iPhone charger he left is still here (another trigger). I just can't bother getting rid of all these things because another trigger will be around the corner.

 

How does a relationship that lasted less than 3 months has me more heartbroken than my relationship that lasted 7 years? Well that's the type of pain ghosting can cause. I tried figuring out if I should pity him with all he had going on, chalk it up as a 22 year old that is still maturing, or hate him. I think I need to hate him. Getting left like this is so cruel.

 

I am realizing why people ghost. It can't be summed up as cowardice. In a lot of our situations these people made a lot of promises and made up a lot of fluff. In my own situation, he pressured me to say "I love you" first. He wanted to relocate, and was calling my home "our home." They ghost when they realize they told you a lot of lovey dovey stuff they can't back. They would have to admit that it was all the lie. But they won't. They rather you feel uncomfortable than them. Someone summed it perfectly regarding coping with being ghosted: It's not the letting go that is the hardest; it's the letting go and not knowing why you have to.

 

 

I am right there with you. My 6 month "relationship" was intense and I have been coping and grieving for about two weeks. It is very tough, especially if there is no closure. I was also "ghosted" as well and its so tough to understand why. The situation also causes me to think the problem was with me when I don't think I did anything wrong.

 

 

Stay strong, each day gets better.

[Cupid's Puppet]

I am right there with you. My 6 month "relationship" was intense and I have been coping and grieving for about two weeks. It is very tough, especially if there is no closure. I was also "ghosted" as well and its so tough to understand why. The situation also causes me to think the problem was with me when I don't think I did anything wrong.

 

 

Stay strong, each day gets better.

 

If you weren't in a long distance relationship, then confront your ghoster and force a talk. To leave someone hanging after 6 months is ridiculous. Mine was more of a whirlwind romance; though it still hurts. But I would definitely force a "talk" for anything after 3 months and intimacy. Being ghosted leaves you with unnecessary baggage. Now the next relationship you will get paranoid anytime the person doesn't respond in a couple of hours or a day.

 

I didn't force a talk with my ghoster because he is in another state and it turned out to be nothing more than a summer fling; so not worth the hassle of tracking him down. But a breakup talk isn't about closure. The dumper does a disservice to him/herself by not properly ending it. There will be a spirit that still connects them to the relationship that wasn't finished. A breakup talk brings healing and growth not closure. It's a time when both parties can reexamine their role in the relationship and things they could have improved on.

 

You probably did nothing wrong. If you did say or did something wrong, so what? We all have faults. In good relationships, the other person helps guide you in correcting those faults, not disappear after they allowed themselves to get past the point of annoyance. You're supposed to help each other grow. One of my faults is high anxiety. A recent guy friend told me to calm tf down and stop worrying all the dang time. And you know what...I calmed down. See how effective communication is?