How are you coping today?

[bgbd376]

I am not coping well at all today. I went down the rabbit hole of looking for her online, and while I told myself 3 weeks NC was long enough to have moved on, the truth is I haven’t. I loved this girl for 3yrs. And while the BU will be the best thing to happen for me, right now it’s so, so painful.

[TurntSloth1]

Another day in my feelings... I'm so tired of feeling like this.

 

My head has completely given up on ever even speaking to her again, let alone anything happening between us at this stage. I accept it, I understand why it wouldn't work and I've even been taking steps to move on, so why do I still have so much heartache and longing so long after our last contact??

 

Starting to wish we'd never met...

[Beachead]

Another day in my feelings... I'm so tired of feeling like this.

 

My head has completely given up on ever even speaking to her again, let alone anything happening between us at this stage. I accept it, I understand why it wouldn't work and I've even been taking steps to move on, so why do I still have so much heartache and longing so long after our last contact??

 

Starting to wish we'd never met...

 

How long has it been since you two broke up? How long has it been since last contact?

 

- Beach

[Beachead]

I am not coping well at all today. I went down the rabbit hole of looking for her online, and while I told myself 3 weeks NC was long enough to have moved on, the truth is I haven’t. I loved this girl for 3yrs. And while the BU will be the best thing to happen for me, right now it’s so, so painful.

 

My friend, You mentioned you were with this girl for 3 years. That's 3 years worth of days that you invested your mind on her. Don't give yourself unrealistic deadlines.

 

3 weeks is very little time in the grand scheme of grieving and healing. You will feel some very exteme ups and downs. Anger, sadness, numbness are all common. With time, those emotions will quiet down and you'll only feel them as a ache. I wish I could say it'll be better in a week but the truth is you will have to extend yourself the courtesy of a year, maybe a little more to make a strong recovery. Breaking the hope that your ex will return one day is the hardest part of healing. Allow that part about 3-4 months minimum . Aside from some exceptions, keep her blocked on social media, don't creep her, and don't engage with them. Seeing her living her life and possible with a new guy is going to crush you and send you 100 steps back right now. Most importantly, let yourself feel the pain so that you can process it. Never try to bury it or run from it.

 

Alone time, healthy company and not giving up on yourself is what'll return you back to you.

 

- Beach

Edited August 8, 2018 by Beachead

[Realitysux]

I am not coping well today at all ... I am feeling quite angry as I was served today and have a court date in September. It might seem good because the order is being terminated, but my mental health is still ridiculed in the court papers. Also, the situation was not my fault at all but they claim it happened because my mental health. I will not disclose details as to the order. I will say because I have a mental health disorder, he won. That's hard to deal with and hopefully in time, this will change but I understand now how dangerous it is to expose your mental health disorder to anyone.

[bgbd376]

My friend, You mentioned you were with this girl for 3 years. That's 3 years worth of days that you invested your mind on her. Don't give yourself unrealistic deadlines.

 

3 weeks is very little time in the grand scheme of grieving and healing. You will feel some very exteme ups and downs. Anger, sadness, numbness are all common. With time, those emotions will quiet down and you'll only feel them as a ache. I wish I could say it'll be better in a week but the truth is you will have to extend yourself the courtesy of a year, maybe a little more to make a strong recovery. Breaking the hope that your ex will return one day is the hardest part of healing. Allow that part about 3-4 months minimum . Aside from some exceptions, keep her blocked on social media, don't creep her, and don't engage with them. Seeing her living her life and possible with a new guy is going to crush you and send you 100 steps back right now. Most importantly, let yourself feel the pain so that you can process it. Never try to bury it or run from it.

 

Alone time, healthy company and not giving up on yourself is what'll return you back to you.

 

- Beach

 

I broke NC today. She’s already with someone else - the girl she had her last affair with. I am so, so completely heartbroken and yet I have the strangest sensation of numbness inside. I feel like a fool.

[Beachead]

I broke NC today. She’s already with someone else - the girl she had her last affair with. I am so, so completely heartbroken and yet I have the strangest sensation of numbness inside. I feel like a fool.

 

I responded on your thread.

 

And that's okay. We've all been there where we crack. I know I have.

 

Your ex..she cheats and doesn't see anything wrong in it. Means she has no concept of loyalty and commitment. Right now, she's caught up in infatuation, passion, excitement of a new relationship which is an excellent way to distract herself and get over this breakup. Her new partner is going to be in for a hurricane when a year goes by and things become monotonous. She might even cheat in that relationship as well.

 

But I don't want you hope that it'll fail and she'll return to you. Even if she returned to you, she'll cheat on you again. It doesn't feel like it right now but your life is better for it. This is probably the best thing she ever did for you. Stay in NC, cry it out, be strong for yourself, and work on repairing and rebuilding your state of mind and you will begin to see this. Just be patient.

 

- Beach

Edited August 12, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

Just over 6 months of NC. What a journey it's been. Just over 6 months since the worst experience of my entire life. I think I can finally call it that looking back seeing as how I never went through a darker period. I consider myself healed these days, rarely ever thinking of her, moving forward the best I can, hanging with friends, going to the gym, etc.

 

So thankful to have some of the people that helped me along the way including right here on this site. Of course some nights I still think back about all that happened and feel sad, and yes, tonight just might be one of those nights as this is the first summer weekend where I'm all along with nothing to do, but ultimately it's only bc I'm still single and at this age (33) simply long for a relationship. Loneliness just creeps in. Hard to fight it.

 

I will never forget all the dignity she took from me, but I will always remember how hard it was to get it back, and how important it is to keep it. I thank everyone here who's helped.

[hope86]

Is there anyone on this site who doesn't mind chatting?

[Beachead]

Is there anyone on this site who doesn't mind chatting?

 

What's up man? I'm listening.

[hope86]

What's up man? I'm listening.

 

when is my pain going to stop?

[hope86]

If I don't start healing fast enough I'll lose my job. That's my biggest concern right now. I'm a programmer so I need my complete mental focus to code and it's really hard with this heartbreak that's just holding me back like some invisible web.

 

Everytime I decide on learning to code I switch to watching a movie trailer or something entertaining like stand up comedy. Don't know what's happening to me. Has anyone faced this? How to counter this?

[Mac0908]

Dude.. Assuming you are 32 years old no offense but you need to get a little bit of a grip. Your main thread is very vague but you imply that you dated a girl for a year and then apparently suddenly backed off due to fear of commitment? Then you claim 2-3 months later she's engaged to another guy? Yeah, that sounds normal.

 

In any event, it sounds like you needed to be in therapy solely for yourself first before even focusing on a relationship. That ship has sailed and you're hurt, ok, understood, but reality is she wasn't the right girl for you if this happened. You need to take some huge steps back, work on yourself, do all the necessary things and then rebuild your life and be happy with yourself completely before dating seriously again. If therapy is what you feel you need, which it DOES sound like IMO, then that is a perfectly normal and healthy way to go. Helped me.

 

Good luck.

[hope86]

Dude.. Assuming you are 32 years old no offense but you need to get a little bit of a grip. Your main thread is very vague but you imply that you dated a girl for a year and then apparently suddenly backed off due to fear of commitment? Then you claim 2-3 months later she's engaged to another guy? Yeah, that sounds normal.

 

In any event, it sounds like you needed to be in therapy solely for yourself first before even focusing on a relationship. That ship has sailed and you're hurt, ok, understood, but reality is she wasn't the right girl for you if this happened. You need to take some huge steps back, work on yourself, do all the necessary things and then rebuild your life and be happy with yourself completely before dating seriously again. If therapy is what you feel you need, which it DOES sound like IMO, then that is a perfectly normal and healthy way to go. Helped me.

 

Good luck.

 

Get a grip? That's rude. And I can't afford therapy. Not everyone's got 150 bucks lying spare for an hour of counselling.

[fieldoflavender]

Right about what Fieldoflavender?

 

About giving up. I tried and it failed again blah (well still referring to most recent break-up).

 

I think I'm more upset about being such a failure at not finding someone and being a societal failure in that aspect rather than being lonely.

 

I don't feel that off from being single.

 

Except I don't like hanging out people with significant others anymore. I've been trying to find more single friends - but I know eventually they will go find someone too.

[Beachead]

About giving up. I tried and it failed again blah (well still referring to most recent break-up).

 

I think I'm more upset about being such a failure at not finding someone and being a societal failure in that aspect rather than being lonely.

 

I don't feel that off from being single.

 

Except I don't like hanging out people with significant others anymore. I've been trying to find more single friends - but I know eventually they will go find someone too.

 

You'll have to somehow find a way transform the way you define yourself because right now it's through finding a partner. If you don't, it's lifetime misery should it never work out. I know how you feel because I feel it too. You want someone to hold and love and maybe it may happen for you and I one day but we can't make our sole purpose for existing that and that only that. There has to be more to your story. There has to be more to your character. More to your life than just trying to find a man. Leave your foot print on this Earth by making a mark on the people who haven't given up on you and the people you are around on the daily.

 

I havent been with anyone for a year and I'm in no rush. Yeah, I realize I'm turning 32 this year. Yea, I see grey hairs starting to roll in. And yes, when I see couples, it gets to me sometimes. But I'll never jump into a relationship because I feel lonely or because I might be afraid I'll be alone for the rest of my life, again. And I won't do it for the sake of being in one or because everyone else has someone and I don't want to try be the odd man out. I did things to try and fit in my whole life. I did to win the approval of others. It doesn't work. And most of the time, you end up settling for things that aren't in line with your core. It happens when it happens and if it doesn't happen, I don't have to like it..but I have to be able to keep going and still have more to me than that.

 

Let go of the fear. Detach from the need. Have faith in your life. And then figure out what you want to do in this life, make your plan to get there, and go after it like your stranded on a desert trying to find water. That end goal needs to be your Oasis.

 

Back when I was 20, people my age now, told me stuff like this all the time. I thought it was some real hipster bs. "Work on you..what? Stfu." I thought. Turned out, they were right because I've been balanced ever since.

 

Stop caring about it. Just focus on you and keep on focusing on you.

 

Beach

Edited August 14, 2018 by Beachead

[JP92]

Still hurts a lot some days but I know I am in a lot better place mentally most days. I sometimes catch myself reminiscing, especially when surrounded by happy couples as I sit alone. I sometimes catch myself thinking about how much I had to give and how awesome holidays/birthdays and special days would have been together but those thoughts don't last long. Since it was a shorter relationship, I'll always have feelings of "what if" as from my perspective, it wasn't given a true shot.

 

I'm learning to let go of the anger/resentful feelings and make peace with everything. Her feelings were genuine and she didn't let things go so far that it would have hurt even more and I appreciate it. No marriage, no house, no kids, etc.

 

The biggest thing is to continue to work on finding ways to make myself happy on a daily basis because this experience continues to teach me that I let other people have too much control of my happiness. It's a flaw I knew about myself all along but it never cut as deeply as this past experience. I hope one day I can look back at this period of time in my life and be happy because it transformed me into a better person. Talk is cheap though....I've got a ways to go

[Beachead]

Still hurts a lot some days but I know I am in a lot better place mentally most days. I sometimes catch myself reminiscing, especially when surrounded by happy couples as I sit alone. I sometimes catch myself thinking about how much I had to give and how awesome holidays/birthdays and special days would have been together but those thoughts don't last long. Since it was a shorter relationship, I'll always have feelings of "what if" as from my perspective, it wasn't given a true shot.

 

I'm learning to let go of the anger/resentful feelings and make peace with everything. Her feelings were genuine and she didn't let things go so far that it would have hurt even more and I appreciate it. No marriage, no house, no kids, etc.

 

The biggest thing is to continue to work on finding ways to make myself happy on a daily basis because this experience continues to teach me that I let other people have too much control of my happiness. It's a flaw I knew about myself all along but it never cut as deeply as this past experience. I hope one day I can look back at this period of time in my life and be happy because it transformed me into a better person. Talk is cheap though....I've got a ways to go

 

You will. Just remember in 1 years time, that day by day incremental effort you put into yourself will add up to a noticeably positive change. Be disciplined with it. You'll start finding that you'll have problems about things that make you better and not ones that leave you stagnant and feeling helpless (Like the problems that come when stupid exes run away from their issues by jumping into relationships, using their partners as distractions, making them fight a losing battle and then leaving them torn apart, when they can no longer provide the high). No time to entertain people like that. Life is too short. If we're going to have problems in life, lets atleast have some good ones then.

 

- Beach

Edited August 15, 2018 by Beachead

[fieldoflavender]

I am already really successful in everything else though. I do find meaning in those realms but I would like to have it all. I know that's greedy ,but there are people who have it all. I don't even need it ALL - I just want to be with someone who I care about and who cares about me.

 

But I will never have it.

 

I am in love with my best guy friend who doesn't want to be in a relationship with me - but it hurts me every time we spend time together and it will never amount to anything.

 

And I miss my ex but I know he was not good either.

 

Today is a difficult day. I know after the next 24 hours, it will hopefully get better?

 

Sometimes it's interesting how no one on the outside has ANY IDEA what you are going through and what type of emotional traumas you have suffered to get to where you are at now.

 

I know it's futile - but I wonder if my ex still remembers our once important dates, whether it still has any meaning to him. But why does it even matter anymore right?

 

I just feel more lonely than ever tonight.

[Mac0908]

Since it was a shorter relationship, I'll always have feelings of "what if" as from my perspective, it wasn't given a true shot.

 

 

This was one of the main thoughts that ate at me hard in the early stages. We had great chemistry, never fought, always laughed, enjoyed each others company. Never had a single disagreement. So what a tragedy I thought to myself, that we basically went our separate ways just like that. The harsh reality was though, the second my ex wanted out of my life, she wanted out of my life, and that's all I needed to realize, just like you do as well(i'm sure you do by now though). Doesn't matter how great things were and how hard it is to think "what if". The bottom line is it simply isn't meant to be if one party is willing to leave you in the dust with hardly any or no qualms.

[Beachead]

This was one of the main thoughts that ate at me hard in the early stages. We had great chemistry, never fought, always laughed, enjoyed each others company. Never had a single disagreement. So what a tragedy I thought to myself, that we basically went our separate ways just like that. The harsh reality was though, the second my ex wanted out of my life, she wanted out of my life, and that's all I needed to realize, just like you do as well(i'm sure you do by now though). Doesn't matter how great things were and how hard it is to think "what if". The bottom line is it simply isn't meant to be if one party is willing to leave you in the dust with hardly any or no qualms.

 

@Mac0908 and @JP92

 

Blamed myself as well for a long time. Eventually you come to realize if you know in your heart you did the best you could and they left anyway, they were always going to leave and nothing you could have done would have made the difference.

 

In all 3 of our cases, our exes left us to return to their exes. Them leaving really had nothing to do with us. The experiences we shared with them were simply a function of their personal war within themselves. Doesn't feel good to be used like that but atleast we can sleep at night knowing we weren't the wrong ones in our respective situations.

 

It just takes some time for our hearts to catch up to what our mind already knows.

[Beachead]

I am already really successful in everything else though. I do find meaning in those realms but I would like to have it all. I know that's greedy ,but there are people who have it all. I don't even need it ALL - I just want to be with someone who I care about and who cares about me.

 

But I will never have it.

 

I am in love with my best guy friend who doesn't want to be in a relationship with me - but it hurts me every time we spend time together and it will never amount to anything.

 

And I miss my ex but I know he was not good either.

 

Today is a difficult day. I know after the next 24 hours, it will hopefully get better?

 

Sometimes it's interesting how no one on the outside has ANY IDEA what you are going through and what type of emotional traumas you have suffered to get to where you are at now.

 

I know it's futile - but I wonder if my ex still remembers our once important dates, whether it still has any meaning to him. But why does it even matter anymore right?

 

I just feel more lonely than ever tonight.

 

Think about that first part you mentioned. Does it make you feel like you matter? Make you feel alive? You can be successful at your career, earn lots of money, maybe have some good days in that pursuit etc. but that doesn't mean it brings you peace, makes you feel human or alive.

 

Teaching people music..that's my thing. It's not my career and I don't even think of it as a job even though I do get paid for my instruction. But what really makes it great is just seeing students light up when they're able to get a song down after struggling with it for weeks and knowing I had a role in it. I welcome the challenge of dealing with a student who has trouble or who's discouraged because it forces me to become a better instructor. I've seen people quit on themselves and then I've seen what happens when I show them a little bit encouragement and love. Kids, adults..they're all the same at their core and they're all the source of their own limits. Once I managed to unlock that realization in them, it changes the way they handle their problems. I did had a hand in that. Makes me feel good. Even if I have nobody, I have that.

 

Can you say you truly have something like this in your life?

 

The other thing I had to learn was not everything in regards to someone's actions is about us. Just because someone leaves or it doesn't work out, doesn't mean it's all our fault. It doesn't mean we're unlovable. Have confidence in yourself. Have faith in your future. But be prepared for the possibility that it won't happen for you..because what are you going to do if it doesn't? Coast through your life miserable as all h*ll, wishing your life could end?

 

Naw..be better than that.

 

As for your best guy friend not wanting you back, I assume you already told him how you feel and he rejected you? You two at the moment have a compromised friendship due to the feelings which means it's not a friendship at the moment. All your words and actions have hope and an ulterior motive behind them. You don't mean to, but you do. Respect yourself and put distance between him and you for awhile, if you want to heal. You don't heal burns by touching the flame again.

 

- Beach

Edited August 16, 2018 by Beachead

[Cora]

This month has been really rough for me. Several people dear to me have died and my cat whom I’ve had since I was 16 passed away yesterday. I don’t even know where to begin to process these feelings. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it. I’m an emotional mess on the inside, but trying to keep it together on the outside. If I can just make it through the rest of this work day. I’m just going through the day to day motions. I’m physically here, but mentally and emotionally I’m a million miles away. Forever wishing I could go back in time.

[Beachead]

It's been a year since a disastrous time in my life. It's been quite a journey since. Have made some very significant personal strides.

 

Wishing everyone well for their own journey.

Edited August 20, 2018 by Beachead

[Fguiopm]

One week after you he told me he hated being around me and that I drained the life out of him a lot of days. 7 days since we’ve talked and even past all the hurtful things I’d still forgive and love him. I’m not coping well right now but I will be.