How are you coping today?

July 3, 2018

I know. I still think about my dog all the time and it's been 15 years now. The last memories of him when he passed away are something I can't forget but it doesn't paralyze me anymore. The good memories I think about all the time and it makes me smile. How much he loved icecream and carrots. The way he ate carrots truly was a work of art. He was also very photogenic. I think about the mischievous things he'd do like dig up my mom's garden with his nose and pretend he did nothing even though we could clearly see dirt on his nose. How he always needed to run into these trees and bushes to take his offical bathroom stop. Made sure nobody could see him. He protected me too because he knew I was small. I was truly grateful for being blessed to have furry four legged brother growing up. I wouldn't have made it through what I went through if it wasn't for him.

It'll hurt until it doesn't. Same as heartbreak. Let it all out and take it easy on yourself.

- Beach

Thank you.

July 3, 2018

I think most people who are successful in relationships don't 'care' about them as much as those who want one but don't have.

Mac, maybe you're obsessing a bit too much about the whole dating thing. About how much you need a partner. About the age factor and that you think it won't be as satisfying now because your golden years are gone.

Don't get me wrong, I think those concerns are legitimate. I mean, in the sense that lots of people in the same situation have them. I'm 34, single, and have also been at the receiving end of a rebound relationship that left some scars. But now I'm over it and I'm actually enjoying the single life. Focusing on my work that I really like, fostering friendships, learning new things and socialising as much as I can with new and existing friends. Obviously, this state of mind only came after quite some time healing from my break up and lots of soul searching and studying. Still lots to progress though. Life is not an easy journey.

I also eventually have a blue day here and there but in overall I'm satisfied. I don't feel the urge to find someone. I don't think I need someone to complete my life but would very much welcome that, of course. And I think this has been working on my favor, as I'm much more relaxed around women and I think they can feel that. I've been, in overall, much less attached to the outcome so that leads to less suffering. I don't think I'll be a failure or live a miserable life if I don't get married or have kids, even though I want those things.

Maybe you need to think about what changes you could make in your life to make you less 'dependent' on a partner to feel happy. Try to have a more fulfilling life. This is not easy but you can direct efforts towards it. You sound way too obsessed about how dating will suddenly fix everything and make you a happy and confident man, when you should actually be happy and confident to be able to date. It should be the other day around.

I hope I don't sound patronising, like I think this is easy to achieve. I know it's not. But as advice, I think this should be your focus now instead of wondering if 33 is late or early to have the fulfilling life you want with a partner. It almost sounds like you don't even think about the fun of getting to know someone but are thinking straight to getting married and having kids even before having a candidate. If you have this 'rushed' mentality, chances are you are going to ruin your next relationship pretty quickly for coming too strong. Women can sniff that from far, as it looks desperate and needy (from own experience).

Edited July 3, 2018 by Morello

July 3, 2018

I think most people who are successful in relationships don't 'care' about them as much as those who want one but don't have.

Mac, maybe you're obsessing a bit too much about the whole dating thing. About how much you need a partner. About the age factor and that you think it won't be as satisfying now because your golden years are gone.

Don't get me wrong, I think those concerns are legitimate. I mean, in the sense that lots of people in the same situation have them. I'm 34, single, and have also been at the receiving end of a rebound relationship that left some scars. But now I'm over it and I'm actually enjoying the single life. Focusing on my work that I really like, fostering friendships, learning new things and socialising as much as I can with new and existing friends. Obviously, this state of mind only came after quite some time healing from my break up and lots of soul searching and studying. Still lots to progress though. Life is not an easy journey.

I also eventually have a blue day here and there but in overall I'm satisfied. I don't feel the urge to find someone. I don't think I need someone to complete my life but would very much welcome that, of course. And I think this has been working on my favor, as I'm much more relaxed around women and I think they can feel that. I've been, in overall, much less attached to the outcome so that leads to less suffering. I don't think I'll be a failure or live a miserable life if I don't get married or have kids, even though I want those things.

Maybe you need to think about what changes you could make in your life to make you less 'dependent' on a partner to feel happy. Try to have a more fulfilling life. This is not easy but you can direct efforts towards it. You sound way too obsessed about how dating will suddenly fix everything and make you a happy and confident man, when you should actually be happy and confident to be able to date. It should be the other day around.

I hope I don't sound patronising, like I think this is easy to achieve. I know it's not. But as advice, I think this should be your focus now instead of wondering if 33 is late or early to have the fulfilling life you want with a partner. It almost sounds like you don't even think about the fun of getting to know someone but are thinking straight to getting married and having kids even before having a candidate. If you have this 'rushed' mentality, chances are you are going to ruin your next relationship pretty quickly for coming too strong. Women can sniff that from far, as it looks desperate and needy (from own experience).

Thanks for the input but you need to understand that while I may have come off as someone desperate for a relationship/marriage with a rushed mentality, etc, that's not how I live my everyday life, at all. I was simply venting a bit after having a rough weekend. For the most part, your journey sounds exactly like mine. I believe you followed my story a bit, too. Basically I was the victim of a rebound relationship in the most brutal of ways. Took me a solid 4 months and a LOT of self help to get close to completely healed. Today, 5 months later, I still have the rough moments and the scars still "hurt" as you are familiar with too as you said.

Overall I can be rather introverted to begin with and have found much peace in enjoying myself in recent times, but I guess I can only go so long without going through some rough patches. Summertime with nice weather and a few events going on doesn't help I guess. Do I want a relationship badly? Yes. Won't deny that for a second. But am I one of these people who is complaining about it to every person I know and freaking out on a daily basis? Absolutely not. Most of my posts on here have been geared towards helping people heal and get to a good place that I'm currently at.

I look back now at what happened to me and as shocking as it sounds to me it was almost a good thing, bc I saw "the light" so to speak and it was a wakeup call. A wakeup call to be more aware than ever when getting involved with someone from now on and being sure to never underestimate a human being again. I went through the deepest darkest corners of depression earlier this year and have come out very well for the most part and I'm proud of myself for doing so.

July 3, 2018

I think most people who are successful in relationships don't 'care' about them as much as those who want one but don't have.

Mac, maybe you're obsessing a bit too much about the whole dating thing. About how much you need a partner. About the age factor and that you think it won't be as satisfying now because your golden years are gone.

Don't get me wrong, I think those concerns are legitimate. I mean, in the sense that lots of people in the same situation have them. I'm 34, single, and have also been at the receiving end of a rebound relationship that left some scars. But now I'm over it and I'm actually enjoying the single life. Focusing on my work that I really like, fostering friendships, learning new things and socialising as much as I can with new and existing friends. Obviously, this state of mind only came after quite some time healing from my break up and lots of soul searching and studying. Still lots to progress though. Life is not an easy journey.

I also eventually have a blue day here and there but in overall I'm satisfied. I don't feel the urge to find someone. I don't think I need someone to complete my life but would very much welcome that, of course. And I think this has been working on my favor, as I'm much more relaxed around women and I think they can feel that. I've been, in overall, much less attached to the outcome so that leads to less suffering. I don't think I'll be a failure or live a miserable life if I don't get married or have kids, even though I want those things.

Maybe you need to think about what changes you could make in your life to make you less 'dependent' on a partner to feel happy. Try to have a more fulfilling life. This is not easy but you can direct efforts towards it. You sound way too obsessed about how dating will suddenly fix everything and make you a happy and confident man, when you should actually be happy and confident to be able to date. It should be the other day around.

I hope I don't sound patronising, like I think this is easy to achieve. I know it's not. But as advice, I think this should be your focus now instead of wondering if 33 is late or early to have the fulfilling life you want with a partner. It almost sounds like you don't even think about the fun of getting to know someone but are thinking straight to getting married and having kids even before having a candidate. If you have this 'rushed' mentality, chances are you are going to ruin your next relationship pretty quickly for coming too strong. Women can sniff that from far, as it looks desperate and needy (from own experience).

I want to add to this because it's important.

Mac isn't obsessed. That's a dismissal of how he's truly feeling. I believe he's wearing down. Lets just keep it real here. At the end of the day, when we're in bed, many of us single people wish we had someone to come home to. Doesn't matter if it's a marriage or not. Doesn't matter if it's a societally constructed idea or not. We just want someone to give a damn. I can't think of many people who want to be 70 years old, with all this money, finishing up a great life with nobody to share it with. It's not just women who are on the clock. It's men too. Hopes, little pictures in our head that we thought would happen. As the years go by and we live to not realize any of that, those plans have to be readjusted. Even worse, we're consistently bombarded by everyone's relationship successes and so it just makes the lack of success we've had, the fears and adjustments we've made, that much more poignant.

I just don't think that disconnect he's feeling is something that'll ever go away unless he meets someone special.

Having said that, I also believe you are right because Mac's pain is exactly why guys like us need purpose that is irrespective of obtaining a companion, if we're to survive the future. We have no control over what someone's past is or how they react or what they feel or do. We don't even know if they'll stick around tomorrow. It makes relationships, love and all that..variable. To bank our happiness on variability is to invest our fragile hearts into risk. So making that the sole reason for living in this day and age, is a one way disaster to the grave because what if nothing works out with relationships? What's going to hold our strength of mind together? That's what we're up against here.

- Beach

Edited July 3, 2018 by Beachead

July 4, 2018

Feeling down today but I expected it. I had all these plans with my EX for the 4th that she was very excited about and now I'm on my couch watching TV by myself. I got invited to a party but didn't want to go because I was going to be the only single person at the party. All my life I've been that single dude in a room of happy couples and I'm sick of that feeling. I've seen my friends mistreat their women in every way imaginable except physically and their women are glued to their side and it just annoys me. I've always done everything to treat women right, whether I was pursuing them romantically or just respected them as a person and that seems to make them lose all interest in me. I can't just flip and turn into an egotistical dbag because that's not who I am, but apparently it works for a lot of my friends and many guys while I sit in the corner wondering why I am so lonely and patting myself on the back for being such a "nice guy." I feel so freaking beta on days like today.

Edited July 4, 2018 by JP92

July 4, 2018

Its been 11 mths since my nightmare of a relationship ended. I feel pretty good. I haven't dated or even thought of dating in that time frame. I like being alone right now. I like the freedom, the no drama. I do have weak moments when I get mad at myself for not ending it, when there was big red flags waving in my face. But I've learned a lot. Not just about people but about me as well. I will say I have been thinking about dipping my feet back out there. But I'm scared. I know not everyone is like my ex, and there good people left in this world, I just don't know what's holding me back in trying. This nc for 11 mths and the whole breakup is prob the worst thing I've ever had to faced. But I've changed now. More for the better I think. I just wish I could try and push myself to see what's out there.

Edited July 4, 2018 by vickyp
spelling

July 4, 2018

Feeling down today but I expected it. I had all these plans with my EX for the 4th that she was very excited about and now I'm on my couch watching TV by myself. I got invited to a party but didn't want to go because I was going to be the only single person at the party. All my life I've been that single dude in a room of happy couples and I'm sick of that feeling. I've seen my friends mistreat their women in every way imaginable except physically and their women are glued to their side and it just annoys me. I've always done everything to treat women right, whether I was pursuing them romantically or just respected them as a person and that seems to make them lose all interest in me. I can't just flip and turn into an egotistical dbag because that's not who I am, but apparently it works for a lot of my friends and many guys while I sit in the corner wondering why I am so lonely and patting myself on the back for being such a "nice guy." I feel so freaking beta on days like today.

Hey man, I feel you. Same boat here the last week or so as you may have read. Feeling weak and kind of beta. But hey, it's summertime, nice weather, parties, 4th of July, I'm not getting any younger and seeing 90% of everyone else enjoying time with their significant others, it hurts. Add on the horror of our respective blow-offs and it's a real tough pill to swallow for the both of us. But as you know it's perfectly ok to be angry, upset, and even down in the dumps. Just don't let it consume you completely. Still find a way to keep your head up and hang with friends, be social, and get yourself out of the house. Still try and date as hard as that may be. These are ultimately the only things that will keep you afloat.

July 7, 2018

Hey man, I feel you. Same boat here the last week or so as you may have read. Feeling weak and kind of beta. But hey, it's summertime, nice weather, parties, 4th of July, I'm not getting any younger and seeing 90% of everyone else enjoying time with their significant others, it hurts. Add on the horror of our respective blow-offs and it's a real tough pill to swallow for the both of us. But as you know it's perfectly ok to be angry, upset, and even down in the dumps. Just don't let it consume you completely. Still find a way to keep your head up and hang with friends, be social, and get yourself out of the house. Still try and date as hard as that may be. These are ultimately the only things that will keep you afloat.

I did read your post and am sorry for the way you are feeling. We gave our best to women and they s*** on us in unimaginable ways and we are left to lick our wounds while others happily prance around with no evident worries about breaking up. It's cruel. This whole process has kind of made me annoyed with my friends. They smiley tell me to brush it off and say I should be so happy with life when they're happily with other women and it honestly pisses me off.

I've been more social lately than I've ever been in my life but honestly my experiences so far kind of disgust me. I've been going to a lot of bars and just seeing groups of dbags whisper about how nice a girls a** is or how nice their features are before trying to liquor them up and go with them just sickens me. I didn't miss the bar scene at all; it reeks of desperation. I'll never be the dude to walk up to a woman in hopes of just getting into her pants and then blowing her off. I'm in it for the personal connection and that's so hard to come across nowadays in our hookup society. Dating apps are a complete mess. You're just 1 of 100 guys stroking a woman's ego while she gives 5% in the conversation and has no intentions of ever going on a date with you. It's such a frustrating process for a dude after a BU. While my EX is probably on social media getting 100s of likes and date requests by dudes after she posts a selfie, I can't even get a girl to grab an innocent cup of coffee with me.

I don't feel sorry for myself but I am just sick of how hopeless being single can feel for guys like us. So much effort and luck just to run the risk of them not being the one or having your heart damaged again. I realize that if I meet "the one", it won't come on a dating app. It won't happen at a bar, but it'll happen when I least expect it. This does not make me feel better at all, but I've rarely had things line up the way I want them to when i go at them with extreme aggression. They happen the second I stop trying.

Having patience is the hardest part about this process. We want so badly to fill the void and experience what so many others are experiencing and it sadly just doesn't happen overnight. I know I can live a fulfilling life without a woman and aren't dependent on them, but it's an indescribable feeling to have a supportive, female companion by your side through all of the stages of life. It's such a warming feeling to go home after a long day to that special person and know that no matter what's happening in life, you have them. I've longed for it since I was a mere boy and have rarely experienced it. Maybe it's because I put too much value on it and long for it so much but I can't help the way I am wired. I hope we find that person one day. When we do, these hopeless days will feel non-existent. They'll feel like they never happened because we'll be so happy in the present that no pain from the past will matter to us.

Edited July 7, 2018 by JP92

July 8, 2018

Here I am. A bit hurt or whatever I'm feeling.

July 8, 2018

You meet someone, they're there for awhile, then for whatever reason it stops. Then you have to start the process again.

July 8, 2018

Yeah I just broke up. It's great - totally rips apart old scars, but I am bit more numb this round than the huge emotional ka bang that I went through last time. I guess you live and learn.

I made changes, but it still wasn't enough. I hate it when the new person isn't even as good as your ex in many ways - and you don't want to remember your ex for their good parts because they were such a horrible person to you in the end, but you can't help it.

I'm trying to keep myself busy because I am so scared of the idea of going through another break up again. I know I know it's no big deal, but it's just so soon.

July 8, 2018

Well I’m only about 7 months into my dating sabbatical and I honestly couldn’t be more at peace. It’s amazing how clear my mind has become. Looking back on the people I’ve dated, past relationships and exes who left me hurt and broken.....I now wonder what the hell was I thinking! So many red flags were there that I should have seen. Instead I was blinded by the love/lust that I felt. There is a certain freedom that I feel to not be tied down with all the anxieties that come with dating. The fears of being let down and the soul crushing blow of a breakup. If only I could have noticed these things in the moment I could have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache. But we all live and learn and I’m still living and learning. It may have taken me a little longer, but I’m a little wiser for experiencing everything that wasn’t meant to be. I also know that I haven’t felt my last heartbreak. That’s just life. I’m not sure how much longer this dating hiatus will last, but I do know I’m still far from being ready to get back out there. I’m still on my journey to finding myself...bettering myself and learning to love myself. I know that this has been my reason for so many failed relationships in the past and will continue to be the case until I fix it. How can I love somebody else if I can’t even love myself first? So yeah, getting there, but still have a long way to go.

July 9, 2018

Got an email from the EX today under a different address. Blocked her original one but I have an easy email to remember.

"Just wanted to say that I hope you have a great birthday and get the relaxation you deserve."

Bday is in a couple days. Nice gesture but I didn't reply because I don't want that wound to be reopened.

It was nice to know she still thinks/cares about me but I have long realized that any future of us being together in a romantic sense or as friends is 0%.

She maybe did this to feel good about herself but nonetheless, I've remained firm with my stance of NC.

In the beginning, I thought I showed a bad side of myself by being so weak and reaching out after the breakup text, but she's really conducted herself poorly after ending it. Reaching out through a gaming app, a friend's number, a new email address, etc.

Seems like it makes her a little uneasy that someone out there doesn't like her. I would have attempted being friends if I was broken up with in a dignified manner, but blindsiding me and dumping me via text message is impossible to recover from mentally. I have too much pint up anger towards her for that disrespect.

Just wanted to vent. Clearly she's still in my head and I have moments of longing for her, but I know I'll never act on those feelings and have accepted that there is no going back because of the way it ended and the fact that she's still never shown interest in reconnecting. I won't be some backup option or a source for her to ease her guilt. No thank you.

I actually have nightmares sometimes about the way I was dumped. It was truly the meanest thing anyone has ever done to me. An enemy makes their intentions well known, but for someone to say they love/care about you in a deep way and hurt you so badly is quite scary. I deleted all my dating apps and am focusing on myself for the future. Someone may come along one day, but I am still not 100% healed and have trust issues. Just imagine talking about marriage, vacations, parties, and leaving a loved one's bedroom at 10 in the morning and kissing them goodbye before you run off to work with the breakfast food they put in a container for you to eat only for them to dump you 4 hours later via text message. I still get an uneasy feeling when I walk into my breakroom at work. Grabbing my phone from the phone charger as I prepared to leave work to see her and attend a party only to read that haunting essay. I try to avoid the breakroom as much as possible. Haunts me mentally to this day. I think when I look back, I am not so much bothered about not being with her anymore, but disturbed by the fact that someone that seemingly loved you so much could hurt you way worse than any enemy ever could hurt you.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Edited July 9, 2018 by JP92

July 9, 2018

Got an email from the EX today under a different address. Blocked her original one but I have an easy email to remember.

"Just wanted to say that I hope you have a great birthday and get the relaxation you deserve."

Bday is in a couple days. Nice gesture but I didn't reply because I don't want that wound to be reopened.

It was nice to know she still thinks/cares about me but I have long realized that any future of us being together in a romantic sense or as friends is 0%.

She maybe did this to feel good about herself but nonetheless, I've remained firm with my stance of NC.

In the beginning, I thought I showed a bad side of myself by being so weak and reaching out after the breakup text, but she's really conducted herself poorly after ending it. Reaching out through a gaming app, a friend's number, a new email address, etc.

Seems like it makes her a little uneasy that someone out there doesn't like her. I would have attempted being friends if I was broken up with in a dignified manner, but blindsiding me and dumping me via text message is impossible to recover from mentally. I have too much pint up anger towards her for that disrespect.

Just wanted to vent. Clearly she's still in my head and I have moments of longing for her, but I know I'll never act on those feelings and have accepted that there is no going back because of the way it ended and the fact that she's still never shown interest in reconnecting. I won't be some backup option or a source for her to ease her guilt. No thank you.

I actually have nightmares sometimes about the way I was dumped. It was truly the meanest thing anyone has ever done to me. An enemy makes their intentions well known, but for someone to say they love/care about you in a deep way and hurt you so badly is quite scary. I deleted all my dating apps and am focusing on myself for the future. Someone may come along one day, but I am still not 100% healed and have trust issues. Just imagine talking about marriage, vacations, parties, and leaving a loved one's bedroom at 10 in the morning and kissing them goodbye before you run off to work with the breakfast food they put in a container for you to eat only for them to dump you 4 hours later via text message. I still get an uneasy feeling when I walk into my breakroom at work. Grabbing my phone from the phone charger as I prepared to leave work to see her and attend a party only to read that haunting essay. I try to avoid the breakroom as much as possible. Haunts me mentally to this day. I think when I look back, I am not so much bothered about not being with her anymore, but disturbed by the fact that someone that seemingly loved you so much could hurt you way worse than any enemy ever could hurt you.

Thanks for letting me vent.

And that's why I retired from the scene. I've had my fill. Can't deal with that level of pain anymore.

Ps. Ignore that email. It's just another attempt to get you to engage with her for some self-serving reason. She wanted to end it. She got what she wanted. Unless she comes begging you to take her back, respond to nothing and let her stew in her decisions.

Edited July 9, 2018 by Beachead

July 9, 2018

And that's why I retired from the scene. I've had my fill. Can't deal with that level of pain anymore.

Ps. Ignore that email. It's just another attempt to get you to engage with her for some self-serving reason. She wanted to end it. She got what she wanted. Unless she comes begging you to take her back, respond to nothing and let her stew in her decisions.

Do you mean you've retired from the dating scene?

And hi by the way :-)

Edited July 9, 2018 by MeadowFlower

July 9, 2018

Do you mean you've retired from the dating scene?

And hi by the way :-)

That's correct. For now atleast.

And hey . Good to hear from you.

July 9, 2018

Got an email from the EX today under a different address. Blocked her original one but I have an easy email to remember.

"Just wanted to say that I hope you have a great birthday and get the relaxation you deserve."

Bday is in a couple days. Nice gesture but I didn't reply because I don't want that wound to be reopened.

It was nice to know she still thinks/cares about me but I have long realized that any future of us being together in a romantic sense or as friends is 0%.

She maybe did this to feel good about herself but nonetheless, I've remained firm with my stance of NC.

In the beginning, I thought I showed a bad side of myself by being so weak and reaching out after the breakup text, but she's really conducted herself poorly after ending it. Reaching out through a gaming app, a friend's number, a new email address, etc.

Seems like it makes her a little uneasy that someone out there doesn't like her. I would have attempted being friends if I was broken up with in a dignified manner, but blindsiding me and dumping me via text message is impossible to recover from mentally. I have too much pint up anger towards her for that disrespect.

Just wanted to vent. Clearly she's still in my head and I have moments of longing for her, but I know I'll never act on those feelings and have accepted that there is no going back because of the way it ended and the fact that she's still never shown interest in reconnecting. I won't be some backup option or a source for her to ease her guilt. No thank you.

I actually have nightmares sometimes about the way I was dumped. It was truly the meanest thing anyone has ever done to me. An enemy makes their intentions well known, but for someone to say they love/care about you in a deep way and hurt you so badly is quite scary. I deleted all my dating apps and am focusing on myself for the future. Someone may come along one day, but I am still not 100% healed and have trust issues. Just imagine talking about marriage, vacations, parties, and leaving a loved one's bedroom at 10 in the morning and kissing them goodbye before you run off to work with the breakfast food they put in a container for you to eat only for them to dump you 4 hours later via text message. I still get an uneasy feeling when I walk into my breakroom at work. Grabbing my phone from the phone charger as I prepared to leave work to see her and attend a party only to read that haunting essay. I try to avoid the breakroom as much as possible. Haunts me mentally to this day. I think when I look back, I am not so much bothered about not being with her anymore, but disturbed by the fact that someone that seemingly loved you so much could hurt you way worse than any enemy ever could hurt you.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Wow, that’s really messed up the way that she left you. I’m sorry that happened to you. Reminds me of the horrible way my ex left me....but that’s a whole other hell of a long story. I admire your strength in not responding to her attempts to reach out. I agree that it’s only for her benefit to ease the guilt. Continue to stay strong!

July 9, 2018

And that's why I retired from the scene. I've had my fill. Can't deal with that level of pain anymore.

Ps. Ignore that email. It's just another attempt to get you to engage with her for some self-serving reason. She wanted to end it. She got what she wanted. Unless she comes begging you to take her back, respond to nothing and let her stew in her decisions.

Retiring from the scene is a good call. I'm with you. I wrote out how I felt after I was blindsided and what led up to the blindside on Microsoft and reread it every time I miss being with her. There's no way I could ever accept her back even if she knocked on my door at 3 in the morning confessing her love. Everyone I share the story with is disgusted. How could you be so cruel to someone that was so caring and nice to you. It's unfathomable.

I won't lie, I am scared to ever date again. Terrified. My intuition has rarely failed me but it failed me big time in this relationship. No red flags, no signs of drifting away, it felt so real and forever. I'm afraid that my trust has been permanently damaged and my fear of feeling heartbroken will prevent me from ever being the best me in a relationship again.

The reward isn't worth the risk, imo.

July 9, 2018

Wow, that’s really messed up the way that she left you. I’m sorry that happened to you. Reminds me of the horrible way my ex left me....but that’s a whole other hell of a long story. I admire your strength in not responding to her attempts to reach out. I agree that it’s only for her benefit to ease the guilt. Continue to stay strong!

Thank you. Sorry you experienced something similar. Hard to comprehend how people can be so harsh to someone that cares deeply about them but that says a lot more about them than us.

July 9, 2018

My break up was probably made out of a fire pit. Yet I am still trying. Yet my most recent "Ex" had the nerve to tell me I reminded him of his ex and that's why he was running away. If I could have the courage to try again and give him the benefit of doubt after my ****ty break-up, then he can try too.

The thing is - if you don't try, you will never have any gains. So I'm not exactly giving up.

I strongly believe that you can't punish the current people in your life just because someone was crap to you in the past. They don't deserve to be on trial for the mistakes of other people and your baggage. Sure they can be understanding but people's understandings can last so long.

So I will keep trying again. Why not.

July 10, 2018

Retiring from the scene is a good call. I'm with you. I wrote out how I felt after I was blindsided and what led up to the blindside on Microsoft and reread it every time I miss being with her. There's no way I could ever accept her back even if she knocked on my door at 3 in the morning confessing her love. Everyone I share the story with is disgusted. How could you be so cruel to someone that was so caring and nice to you. It's unfathomable.

I won't lie, I am scared to ever date again. Terrified. My intuition has rarely failed me but it failed me big time in this relationship. No red flags, no signs of drifting away, it felt so real and forever. I'm afraid that my trust has been permanently damaged and my fear of feeling heartbroken will prevent me from ever being the best me in a relationship again.

The reward isn't worth the risk, imo.

That's what it is for me friend. One moment I'm spending time with a person who claims I make them feel amazing and happy. We talk everyday and spend time together. They want a future with me. They make plans. They apparently love me. I give them my all. They appear to give me their all. I believe in them. Then they're gone.

What did it all mean? Was it real? Does it even matter? Eventually with time, you gain clarity and see what went wrong. Problem is in hindsight everything is clearer but during the relationship, we don't have that kind of clarity. We can only make predictions based on the past but we also can't use the past to evaluate our current relationship because then we're not treating that relationship like it's own thing. We're not treating that person as their own person. And I also know that could cost the relationship as well.

So then we have to let go of what happened and go at this new thing fresh and unbiased while we have our fears, baggage and everybody chirping all this advice in our ear. We have to deal with that and still be in it all the way. The relationship won't survive if we have one foot out the door, ready to leave. We'll have to sacrifice and compromise and commit and have conversations that we don't want to have. When we fight with that person which will happen, we won't know if we've caused permanent rifts between them and us or if we've forward. We don't know. We can only take it day by day, be ourselves, give our best, and hope this person is for real and not going to put us in a world of hurt.

Not easy giving your all and going that process of thought over and over again and having it thrown back in your face. I'm done with it.

- Beach

Edited July 10, 2018 by Beachead

July 10, 2018

That's what it is for me friend. One moment I'm spending time with a person who claims I make them feel amazing and happy. We talk everyday and spend time together. They want a future with me. They make plans. They apparently love me. I give them my all. They appear to give me their all. I believe in them. Then they're gone.

What did it all mean? Was it real? Does it even matter? Eventually with time, you gain clarity and see what went wrong. Problem is in hindsight everything is clearer but during the relationship, we don't have that kind of clarity. We can only make predictions based on the past but we also can't use the past to evaluate our current relationship because then we're not treating that relationship like it's own thing. We're not treating that person as their own person. And I also know that could cost the relationship as well.

So then we have to let go of what happened and go at this new thing fresh and unbiased while we have our fears, baggage and everybody chirping all this advice in our ear. We have to deal with that and still be in it all the way. The relationship won't survive if we have one foot out the door, ready to leave. We'll have to sacrifice and compromise and commit and have conversations that we don't want to have. When we fight with that person which will happen, we won't know if we've caused permanent rifts between them and us or if we've forward. We don't know. We can only take it day by day, be ourselves, give our best, and hope this person is for real and not going to put us in a world of hurt.

Not easy giving your all and going that process of thought over and over again and having it thrown back in your face. I'm done with it.

- Beach

Do you think perhaps that people act upon emotion when it comes to relationships. Like they are all enthused at the beginning because of how they FEEL.

Also, maybe relationships are sometimes held together by how someone feels, rather than love and commitment.

July 10, 2018

Got an email from the EX today under a different address. Blocked her original one but I have an easy email to remember.

"Just wanted to say that I hope you have a great birthday and get the relaxation you deserve."

Bday is in a couple days. Nice gesture but I didn't reply because I don't want that wound to be reopened.

It was nice to know she still thinks/cares about me but I have long realized that any future of us being together in a romantic sense or as friends is 0%.

She maybe did this to feel good about herself but nonetheless, I've remained firm with my stance of NC.

In the beginning, I thought I showed a bad side of myself by being so weak and reaching out after the breakup text, but she's really conducted herself poorly after ending it. Reaching out through a gaming app, a friend's number, a new email address, etc.

Seems like it makes her a little uneasy that someone out there doesn't like her. I would have attempted being friends if I was broken up with in a dignified manner, but blindsiding me and dumping me via text message is impossible to recover from mentally. I have too much pint up anger towards her for that disrespect.

Just wanted to vent. Clearly she's still in my head and I have moments of longing for her, but I know I'll never act on those feelings and have accepted that there is no going back because of the way it ended and the fact that she's still never shown interest in reconnecting. I won't be some backup option or a source for her to ease her guilt. No thank you.

I actually have nightmares sometimes about the way I was dumped. It was truly the meanest thing anyone has ever done to me. An enemy makes their intentions well known, but for someone to say they love/care about you in a deep way and hurt you so badly is quite scary. I deleted all my dating apps and am focusing on myself for the future. Someone may come along one day, but I am still not 100% healed and have trust issues. Just imagine talking about marriage, vacations, parties, and leaving a loved one's bedroom at 10 in the morning and kissing them goodbye before you run off to work with the breakfast food they put in a container for you to eat only for them to dump you 4 hours later via text message. I still get an uneasy feeling when I walk into my breakroom at work. Grabbing my phone from the phone charger as I prepared to leave work to see her and attend a party only to read that haunting essay. I try to avoid the breakroom as much as possible. Haunts me mentally to this day. I think when I look back, I am not so much bothered about not being with her anymore, but disturbed by the fact that someone that seemingly loved you so much could hurt you way worse than any enemy ever could hurt you.

Thanks for letting me vent.

First of all an update like this needs to be and should be posted back in your original thread.

That being said, great to hear you ignored. More vicarious living of me through you. So much kudos man. She's been putting herself right there for you to take some bait on and off and you've basically said f-ck you everytime. I love it. Never forget what she did to you and HOW she did it.

Nightmares hit home too. I'd wake up in the middle of the night sweating in the first month or two, thinking about how I may have been completely used and nothing else. An image of the Instagram picture she posted of us would pop up in my head, with all her friends seeing it and knowing I was just the "rebound guy". It was the darkest of all times for me. But I got through it. I'm positive you will too. You may not be close to 100% for quite a while longer, but boy do you seem to be on the right track.

I really do feel for how it all went down for you bc I swear it was eerily similar if not worse than mine. I never even spoke about marriage or vacations. But that morning before the blowoff with her telling me she was coming back the next day early for sex, before the new years party, and also telling me how she was doing her hair, what kind of dress she'd wear, I swear, I've even toyed with the sick thought how she was so twisted that those were all planned lines to just throw me off since maybe she thought I was sensing a little something those last few days when her texts began to be watered down. Either way, I, like you know, we did nothing wrong in our journey. We acted like gentlemen are supposed to act, and it simply wasn't good enough. Good luck to them, better women out there for us in the future.

July 10, 2018

First of all an update like this needs to be and should be posted back in your original thread.

That being said, great to hear you ignored. More vicarious living of me through you. So much kudos man. She's been putting herself right there for you to take some bait on and off and you've basically said f-ck you everytime. I love it. Never forget what she did to you and HOW she did it.

Nightmares hit home too. I'd wake up in the middle of the night sweating in the first month or two, thinking about how I may have been completely used and nothing else. An image of the Instagram picture she posted of us would pop up in my head, with all her friends seeing it and knowing I was just the "rebound guy". It was the darkest of all times for me. But I got through it. I'm positive you will too. You may not be close to 100% for quite a while longer, but boy do you seem to be on the right track.

I really do feel for how it all went down for you bc I swear it was eerily similar if not worse than mine. I never even spoke about marriage or vacations. But that morning before the blowoff with her telling me she was coming back the next day early for sex, before the new years party, and also telling me how she was doing her hair, what kind of dress she'd wear, I swear, I've even toyed with the sick thought how she was so twisted that those were all planned lines to just throw me off since maybe she thought I was sensing a little something those last few days when her texts began to be watered down. Either way, I, like you know, we did nothing wrong in our journey. We acted like gentlemen are supposed to act, and it simply wasn't good enough. Good luck to them, better women out there for us in the future.

The reason I am not taking any bait is because I know she has NO interest in ever dating me again. I know how she's wired and she cannot stand to think that someone out there has ill thoughts about her. She's grasping for any chance to ease her guilt and she didn't even remember what day my birthday is actually on which is a little insulting.

When I stumbled upon her instagram(weak move), she looked to be really enjoying the attention from men and others after she posts an update. It's very evident to me that she's 100% moved on from me but is a little startled that I might dislike her. Yeah, she's that self-centered.

How our women acted is unfair. There's no way around it. It's beyond f***ed up and you can't go through life doing that to other people. Nobody is ever obligated to be with someone they do not want to, but you don't string someone along and treat their heart like a toy if they're good to you and have shown nothing but respect. It's so cold. I google things to make myself feel better but it's not fair. There doesn't have to be something wrong with my ex, she just didn't like me and has a cold way of ending things. I convinced myself she has borderline personality disorder. She came in stronger than ever and mirrored me in every way possible to ensure I fell hard for her only to leave in the snap of a finger. I've never seen anything like it in my entire life. She had baggage. Rough childhood, failed relationships in the past due to trust issues and cheating by her partners, and almost 0 male friends. She stalked my family on social media early on in her relationship and told me she just wanted to see how they acted and what photos they'd share of me since I didn't have social media. She got annoyed when my coworker(girl) would reach out to me for help. But again, I constantly showed her that I don't even look at other women when I am with someone. If I date someone, they're the only woman I want to be around. It's almost like she was hoping I had some kind of baggage too or issues. I was almost too easy. Idk....I really shouldn't think about stuff like this but I am still baffled to this day.

In your case, she ran back to an ex. That's awful, no doubt. But the most unsettling thing for me is she left for nobody. She just wanted the hell away from me. She didn't try to work it out, she didn't give me true reasons for leaving, but she just wanted to be single and live life until she's ready to pursue dating with someone else. No sit down talk to discuss the issues and how we can fix them or any real effort at all to keep it together. She wanted out and wanted out badly apparently. That really makes me feel like a worthless pos some days.

I see so many men here get heartbroken by women that leave for another man and my heart hurts for them but having someone dump you because they simply didn't want you in their life at all is indescribable. This woman really messed me up mentally and my trust is gone.

Edited July 10, 2018 by JP92

July 10, 2018

So I guess I had a bit of a setback today but I expected it. Bday and heard nothing from her(she doesn't owe me anything). More than anything, I'm hurting because she always bragged about how amazing my bday would be with us together. All the things she'd do for me and buy me, the trips we'd take the week of my bday, etc. I also was thinking about her bday is in a couple months and how I always wanted to spoil someone on their big day. I had all these amazing ideas and know that I just need to empty all that nonsense from my head. I expect moments of weakness to appear but thankfully I am at a state where I won't act on these feelings and contact her. I've been insulted and hurt enough by her, I don't need an ignored message or a cold reply. I just feel like she easily brushed off the relationship and moved on with ease. It was just 4 months after all. To me, 4 months felt so much longer. Spending 5-6 nights a week together and when we weren't together, we'd engage in deep conversations via text message. No matter where I was, it felt like she was with me. Filling that void has been difficult but I am trying my best.

I feel soooo silly when I read about breakups on the internet and people talk about 4 year relationships, 7 year relationships, etc. and here I am whining about a 4 month relationship. When I fall, I fall hard and I always thought she fell harder than me. It took me awhile to really get into it and she even told me during the 2nd month that she had fallen hard for me. 4 months is a really short amount of time compared to average relationships, but it was the most intense 4 months of my life.

My awesome family threw me a great party and I am so thankful, but I kept thinking about the false promises and how much more special my birthday could have been with her. I always get a little lonely on special days like birthdays and holidays and those feelings have only intensified since my breakup. When I was single with no relationships in forever, I'd get sad as hell around Christmas time. I'll learn and get through this eventually. I have finally eliminated the false hope. I know there's a 0% chance of getting back together and I think for awhile, I had a feeling there was a 1-5% chance because of how "amazing" i treated her. I've squashed that mindset....she clearly just wasn't that into me after the early infatuation wore off.

Edited July 10, 2018 by JP92

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