How are you coping today?

[Beachead]

Yeah, it’s ridiculous, trust me. She is approaching 30 and most her friends are older than her, sadly. My ex went through a lot as a kid and never matured emotionally. She’s basically a grown toddler. Here I thought dating a woman older than me would mean they’d be a lot more mature than most girls I’ve interacted with but that clearly wasn’t the case.

 

I can add to that. I've met some women in their late 30's who've acted like teenagers. All depends on where a person is in their life, their upbringing, the struggles they've faced, their personality and a lot other factors. Unfortunately, there's no way to know what kind of person they are until they show it.

[Jsos91]

Yep, that is why you feel like this.

 

You're a recovering addict. Your drug is your ex and the hope she brings is the high. The disconnect you feel is what exposure to heroin feels like to a recovering heroin addict. They don't even have to consume it. It just has to be around. Accessible.

 

Temptations start to come but because you've gained clarity over time about your relationship, you've probably arrived to the conclusion that this is a dead end road. That doesn't mean that you've moved. It means you've begun to move passed. You are still mending. That makes you vulnerable to succumbing to false hope and self-deceit in favor of a possible second chance with this person. Wrestling between that logic and your addiction is the irritation you are feeling.

 

That is what exes ultimately want when they engage with you be it intentional or not.

 

- Beach

 

Yeah you're definitely right. I think whenever she contacts me I get this feeling that maybe she misses me or something... I have a hard time admitting that because it makes me feel a bit pathetic. I know deep down we could never work even if she wanted to come back so I'm not quite sure why that false hope occurs... maybe its an ego thing. I've blocked and unblocked her a few times so I've really struggled with letting this go completely... Sometimes the prospect of moving on from her entirely seems hopeless. I feel almost masochistic because at this point I know she'll reach out again and Im struggling with preventing her from reaching me.

[Beachead]

Just a passage for myself,

 

Those odd nights when I wish I heard from my ex just to feel like what was a happy time for me wasn't some stain or mistake in her life that she regretted and erased. She left and never looked back and married her ex inside of a year of ending with me. Came and left my life as if she never existed at all. It's an ego thing. It's not her I miss.

 

Nights like tonight, I think about it but honestly who cares. Brain knows I'm lucky. Heart knows I deserve better. Ego wants to hear from her yet I realized tonight I'm starting to forget how she looks like. When I think back to the memories, it's like I was with some girl who was nobody special really. Just some chick. It's all becoming hazy. I feel like I'm starting to get to a point where if I ever saw her again, I'd feel nothing.

 

Just one of those nights

Edited June 28, 2018 by Beachead

[CantTakeMySmile]

Gah Im feeling so frustrated lately... I keep thinking about her and I have no idea why, its been over a year now and Im starting to think this just isn't normal. She's contacted me a couple times over the last month and a bit so Im wondering if maybe thats why... but it frustrates me even more if her intention was to mess with my head and she's accomplished that.

I just wish she could respect the boundaries I've set and let this all go, I don't get the purpose of continuously pushing me when I've said I don't care to have a line of communication with her.

I dont understand trying to assuage her guilt.. I've said I don't want to talk so let that be the end of it and move on with your life.. I'd almost rather she forget me entirely at this point.

I'm feeling a bit hopeless right now because I don't know if I'll ever get over her 100%.. its just a scar that will always be there. I think maybe I need to look into going back to therapy for a bit.. I'm feeling like I'm not completely done processing things. I also need to stop trying to figure out why she does the things she does, thats a losing battle and I'll never figure it out.

I just need help seeing that light at the end of the tunnel... I don't know that its her I miss at this point so much as the feeling of being head over heels in love.. I need to believe I'll find that with someone else.

 

 

 

 

Why do you still allow her ton contact you and mess with your head?

[JP92]

I've found myself staying up much later than I used to in the past. The fear of waking up and starting a fresh day is too much. I spend all day building up my courage and fighting off sad, obsessive thoughts about the past. I feel like I am almost over my ex, but I feel stuck in my career/life. The same boring, unsatisfying daily obligations bring me zero joy and it's become a chore to get out of bed each day. I'm looking everywhere for an exciting out, but my motivation is so low at the moment. I realized that I loved the idea of my GF more than I loved her. Having someone by my side on a daily basis felt really good even if we weren't compatible. I knew I had someone to go home to each day, no matter how unsatisfied I was in my career. She was my escape from the cruel reality of a underachieving professional career. I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm searching for in order to find self-happiness, but I hope I find it sooner than later. If she returned, would I be happy with my life? No. I'd feel deep shame and I have a lot of resentment built up.

 

I feel like I am suffering from manic depression. I've been in denial for a long time, but I think I need to accept the truth. It's not just 1 thing getting to me, but it's several things. I don't have the energy anymore to even fake my happiness like I used to in the past. When people approach me, I look away. When I'm faced with work tasks, I procrastinate and half ass them.

Edited June 29, 2018 by JP92

[Cora]

Not coping very well today, but for other reasons. My sweet dog passed away this morning suddenly. She was a young and very healthy German Shepherd. They don’t know the cause of her death. I am still in shock and very heartbroken. I am going to miss her beyond words.

[Beachead]

Not coping very well today, but for other reasons. My sweet dog passed away this morning suddenly. She was a young and very healthy German Shepherd. They don’t know the cause of her death. I am still in shock and very heartbroken. I am going to miss her beyond words.

 

Hey Cora,

 

I'm sorry . I remember when I lost my dog as well. It was losing family. Being at home reminded me of him all the time so I hated being around the particular areas of the house that reminded me of him the most. At first thinking about him hurt so much I tried not to but as I started to feel better, I'd catch myself remember my favorite memories of him..the ones that would make me smile and laugh. It took a good year for me to start feeling okay and by about 2 years I was alright. But I'm slow with grieving so that's just me. You may be better at it than me.

 

Take it day by day

 

- Beach

[Mac0908]

I've found myself staying up much later than I used to in the past. The fear of waking up and starting a fresh day is too much. I spend all day building up my courage and fighting off sad, obsessive thoughts about the past. I feel like I am almost over my ex, but I feel stuck in my career/life. The same boring, unsatisfying daily obligations bring me zero joy and it's become a chore to get out of bed each day. I'm looking everywhere for an exciting out, but my motivation is so low at the moment. I realized that I loved the idea of my GF more than I loved her. Having someone by my side on a daily basis felt really good even if we weren't compatible. I knew I had someone to go home to each day, no matter how unsatisfied I was in my career. She was my escape from the cruel reality of a underachieving professional career. I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm searching for in order to find self-happiness, but I hope I find it sooner than later. If she returned, would I be happy with my life? No. I'd feel deep shame and I have a lot of resentment built up.

 

I feel like I am suffering from manic depression. I've been in denial for a long time, but I think I need to accept the truth. It's not just 1 thing getting to me, but it's several things. I don't have the energy anymore to even fake my happiness like I used to in the past. When people approach me, I look away. When I'm faced with work tasks, I procrastinate and half ass them.

 

You're in the full blown depression stage right now, thinking everything is awful, your life sucks, copping a sh-t attitude, etc. This is all as a result of what happened with you and this girl IMO and I can bet you that you didn't feel this down before her. But it’s ok. This too shall pass. By the sounds of it though you're in pretty bad shape and it will take you a while to push through.

 

Don't worry, I've been there as you know. Took me around four months, that's right FOUR months to get to a point where I was absolutely positively over being upset and depressed. Sure I still think about her sometimes and sure I still have a bad day here and there or a unique trigger might pop up, but for the most part I consider myself healed. You'll get there too as long as you have the right mindset and do the right things. I hope and pray you are 100% NC and have deleted this girl off your social media.

 

Let's also not forget one huge bright spot IMO... You're only 25, not 35 and not 45. I was 33 when I hit rockbottom bc of a girl earlier this year and only then did I finally "see the light" so to speak, and learn how it all works. Be fortunate you're learning much younger than I did. It is going to save you a LOT of time and potential future heartache in your life.

[JP92]

You're in the full blown depression stage right now, thinking everything is awful, your life sucks, copping a sh-t attitude, etc. This is all as a result of what happened with you and this girl IMO and I can bet you that you didn't feel this down before her. But it’s ok. This too shall pass. By the sounds of it though you're in pretty bad shape and it will take you a while to push through.

 

Don't worry, I've been there as you know. Took me around four months, that's right FOUR months to get to a point where I was absolutely positively over being upset and depressed. Sure I still think about her sometimes and sure I still have a bad day here and there or a unique trigger might pop up, but for the most part I consider myself healed. You'll get there too as long as you have the right mindset and do the right things. I hope and pray you are 100% NC and have deleted this girl off your social media.

 

Let's also not forget one huge bright spot IMO... You're only 25, not 35 and not 45. I was 33 when I hit rockbottom bc of a girl earlier this year and only then did I finally "see the light" so to speak, and learn how it all works. Be fortunate you're learning much younger than I did. It is going to save you a LOT of time and potential future heartache in your life.

 

Yeah, I think it dawned on me that she is really gone forever. When a breakup is fresh, you hurt the most but don't fully accept that it's over and think this person may very well have a change of heart since it was so sudden. With all the time that has elapsed now, I've entered the acceptance phase and know she's gone forever. Again, I've made a pros/cons list and she had a lot of cons. I've done everything to convince myself that it was a blessing in disguise, but it still hurts to feel disposable.

 

I've been in NC and haven't had any interactions with her since the end of May when I was forced to talk to her at a grocery store. I've had slight urges here and there to reach out but I easily squash those urges because I am sick of being at the mercy of her. If I were to ever send a text, she'd know I unblocked her and am still very present on my mind. For every minute she didn't reply, I'd feel anxious and pathetic. I won't reach out ever again, I know it. In terms of social media, she told me she didn't have any social media accounts but I learned differently with the immature/annoying text the other day by her friend. Curiosity got to me and I looked at some updates and she looks happier than she ever looked with me. I blocked Instagram from my laptop/phone so if I get curious again, I can't look.

 

I'm more frustrated at how hard it has been for me to find something to bring me joy. Was I really using this woman as the source of all my joy? I've got a gym membership, I run at a local park, I play tennis, I downloaded dating apps, I've been going out way more than ever, I've applied for new jobs, and I still feel empty as hell on the inside. I think what's killing me is there are so many triggers on a daily basis. I shared mostly everything with her. She stopped by work all the time or called me at work when I was on break with encouraging words. She went to my favorite parks with me, tried to learn tennis from me, and joined me in all my favorite activities. Why did this woman have to enter my life?

Edited June 29, 2018 by JP92

[aminae7]

Yeah, I think it dawned on me that she is really gone forever. When a breakup is fresh, you hurt the most but don't fully accept that it's over and think this person may very well have a change of heart since it was so sudden. With all the time that has elapsed now, I've entered the acceptance phase and know she's gone forever. Again, I've made a pros/cons list and she had a lot of cons. I've done everything to convince myself that it was a blessing in disguise, but it still hurts to feel disposable.

 

I've been in NC and haven't had any interactions with her since the end of May when I was forced to talk to her at a grocery store. I've had slight urges here and there to reach out but I easily squash those urges because I am sick of being at the mercy of her. If I were to ever send a text, she'd know I unblocked her and am still very present on my mind. For every minute she didn't reply, I'd feel anxious and pathetic. I won't reach out ever again, I know it. In terms of social media, she told me she didn't have any social media accounts but I learned differently with the immature/annoying text the other day by her friend. Curiosity got to me and I looked at some updates and she looks happier than she ever looked with me. I blocked Instagram from my laptop/phone so if I get curious again, I can't look.

 

I'm more frustrated at how hard it has been for me to find something to bring me joy. Was I really using this woman as the source of all my joy? I've got a gym membership, I run at a local park, I play tennis, I downloaded dating apps, I've been going out way more than ever, I've applied for new jobs, and I still feel empty as hell on the inside. I think what's killing me is there are so many triggers on a daily basis. I shared mostly everything with her. She stopped by work all the time or called me at work when I was on break with encouraging words. She went to my favorite parks with me, tried to learn tennis from me, and joined me in all my favorite activities. Why did this woman have to enter my life?

 

There is always a reason for everything and anything, I never know the right reasons why people act certain ways. Back to work...

[Realitysux]

Sometimes, I wish he would reach out to me so I can ignore him. Then again, I know myself enough that at this point, I'd be more mean in my response and likely not ignore him. I past the stage of feeling anything but more then anything it was the ghosting that caused this to drag on. Now if I could just get to that point I didn't care, then when he did reach out, I'd ignore him because I'd have nothing to say and wouldn't care.

[Mac0908]

Yeah, I think it dawned on me that she is really gone forever. When a breakup is fresh, you hurt the most but don't fully accept that it's over and think this person may very well have a change of heart since it was so sudden. With all the time that has elapsed now, I've entered the acceptance phase and know she's gone forever. Again, I've made a pros/cons list and she had a lot of cons. I've done everything to convince myself that it was a blessing in disguise, but it still hurts to feel disposable.

 

I've been in NC and haven't had any interactions with her since the end of May when I was forced to talk to her at a grocery store. I've had slight urges here and there to reach out but I easily squash those urges because I am sick of being at the mercy of her. If I were to ever send a text, she'd know I unblocked her and am still very present on my mind. For every minute she didn't reply, I'd feel anxious and pathetic. I won't reach out ever again, I know it. In terms of social media, she told me she didn't have any social media accounts but I learned differently with the immature/annoying text the other day by her friend. Curiosity got to me and I looked at some updates and she looks happier than she ever looked with me. I blocked Instagram from my laptop/phone so if I get curious again, I can't look.

 

I'm more frustrated at how hard it has been for me to find something to bring me joy. Was I really using this woman as the source of all my joy? I've got a gym membership, I run at a local park, I play tennis, I downloaded dating apps, I've been going out way more than ever, I've applied for new jobs, and I still feel empty as hell on the inside. I think what's killing me is there are so many triggers on a daily basis. I shared mostly everything with her. She stopped by work all the time or called me at work when I was on break with encouraging words. She went to my favorite parks with me, tried to learn tennis from me, and joined me in all my favorite activities. Why did this woman have to enter my life?

 

Come on dude. Man up a little but. As ridiculous as this reason sounds you must view it as she entered your life and put you through this to give you a real wakeup call about how terribly rough the world of dating can be. That's how I truly look at my experience back in January. If that never happened, I'd STILL be a fool who's not totally 100% aware of how to deal with women. As I alluded to earlier, you’ll at least more than likely never be this hurt again bc you’ll be more prepared next time. (i.e. You’d never put both feet in the door so early). I don’t think you have reached the acceptance phase yet. As Beach said, this woman was a great fun part of your life and made you feel joy. She was like your drug. Nothing wrong with that, but you need time to withdraw. Serious time it sounds like. Triggers will eventually fade. I used to think that was just some sham emotional word but boy was I wrong. I remember a few weeks after everything happened I was simply on the train platform waiting for a train one afternoon and I was standing not too far from where I'd be with her on a couple of weekends before she'd go home and I just crumbled inside like a sissy. But, I learned it's just normal. It's part of the process.

 

It is interesting how devastated you are seeing as how she DID reach back out and you blew her off. I thought you were so much more far along there, early on, since you had the strength to not entertain her return. But now I get the vibe that you almost want her to reach out and give you some validation whether that be through an apology or her wanting to see you again. Understand this one cold hard fact... you should NEVER speak to this girl again in my opinion. What's done is done, and it wouldn't have happened any other way. Be strong and keep moving on.

[Beachead]

Yeah, I think it dawned on me that she is really gone forever. When a breakup is fresh, you hurt the most but don't fully accept that it's over and think this person may very well have a change of heart since it was so sudden. With all the time that has elapsed now, I've entered the acceptance phase and know she's gone forever. Again, I've made a pros/cons list and she had a lot of cons. I've done everything to convince myself that it was a blessing in disguise, but it still hurts to feel disposable.

 

I've been in NC and haven't had any interactions with her since the end of May when I was forced to talk to her at a grocery store. I've had slight urges here and there to reach out but I easily squash those urges because I am sick of being at the mercy of her. If I were to ever send a text, she'd know I unblocked her and am still very present on my mind. For every minute she didn't reply, I'd feel anxious and pathetic. I won't reach out ever again, I know it. In terms of social media, she told me she didn't have any social media accounts but I learned differently with the immature/annoying text the other day by her friend. Curiosity got to me and I looked at some updates and she looks happier than she ever looked with me. I blocked Instagram from my laptop/phone so if I get curious again, I can't look.

 

I'm more frustrated at how hard it has been for me to find something to bring me joy. Was I really using this woman as the source of all my joy? I've got a gym membership, I run at a local park, I play tennis, I downloaded dating apps, I've been going out way more than ever, I've applied for new jobs, and I still feel empty as hell on the inside. I think what's killing me is there are so many triggers on a daily basis. I shared mostly everything with her. She stopped by work all the time or called me at work when I was on break with encouraging words. She went to my favorite parks with me, tried to learn tennis from me, and joined me in all my favorite activities. Why did this woman have to enter my life?

 

It's only been a month, friend. You're engaging in all the right activities but you're forgetting that healing from a heartbreak is a process that is dependant on time. The time that it will take depends on where your mind is at, who you are, what you're going through, what you've been through, how much you loved this person etc. When we consume food, we can't rush the speed we digest it at. It happens when it happens right? Healing is the same as digestion. In this case, it's not food you're digesting. It's pain/heartache.

 

Just to give you a snippet of what I went through after me and my ex broke up and she returned to her ex last year.. I was in shock for 2-3 weeks. After that, it was numbness and denial. I knew I wasn't okay but I couldn't feel anything. This went on for 2 months and little by little the numbness started to wear off. My performance at work started to suffer until I got fired. I had to shift my studies to the following term. Basically, the aftermath came 3 months later. I crashed and burned and went into deep sadness around month 3-4. With therapy, I got myself back up but returned to denial again, assuming my ex and her ex would eventually break up. But around month 8 though, I found out they got engaged. This time, whatever hope was keeping me stuck her was crushed and faced acceptance for real and finally began to move on. So I was very much in denial for about 8 months. I feel much better now than back then. I think about the future without her and I'm okay. I see other women and I feel attraction again. But, I still step out onto my street and see things that remind me of her everyday. Somedays I forget and pass them by without realizing, somedays I'm aware of it and catch thoughts. Took 11 months of healing to get there. The ex before her took me 2 years. Some girls I got over in a week. Some in a few months. All depends. If you want to hear the stories, I'll inbox you.

 

You just have to take it easy on yourself.

 

This woman broke your heart. You were living your life prior to her but you were hoping you'd meet someone special. When she came along, ofcourse you were happy for the same reasons all of us would have been happy. She made life so much better. Colours became more vibrant, more saturated. People became more tolerable. The mornings became easier. Suddenly, life wasn't as bad. You probably felt loved. Not the maternal kind of love, or a friendly platonic love, but a romantic, intimate kind of love.

 

You're not going to feel okay losing someone you cared for. They walked into your life, made you believe they were someone else, made you care, made you trust, and then they essentially betrayed that. Call it out for what it is. Whether they meant to do this or not, it doesn't matter. How you feel is what's real to you. You feel betrayed. You put your best self out there for them and they just chucked it into the bin.

 

There is nothing to be upset about in regards to who you were in this relationship. It wasn't your fault. The next time you get into a new relationship, you'll still have to extend the courtesy of your trust and love to the new person and treat them and the situation as unique. Otherwise you'll choke the relationship to death with fears of the past and end up being the reason it didn't move forward..and that will rest on your conscious as "What if." Not something you'd want.

 

Problems are always going to be there in life. The misconception is that we can one day live a problem free life. That's not true. We simply learn to solve old problems as we grow as people and discover better ones to have. And that will remain true until the day we die. What a partner does is make these problems easier to deal with because of the love and companionship and intimacy they provide.

 

When this girl left, because you got used to her, her absence made all those problems that much more pronounced. That's not your fault and there is nothing you could do to prevent the pain you are now in. What you can do is understand that it'll take time. Be gentle to yourself.

Be patient with yourself. Extend your heart the time it will need to catch up with what your mind already knows.

 

- Beach

Edited June 29, 2018 by Beachead

[Stuck2532]

Coming in here to avoid thinking about this any longer. I have stuff to do that is way more important. Just know that you can't ever forget, no matter how hard you try or want to. Maybe if it hadn't been real it would be easier to not remember. It has been 6 months since I last saw her at school for 5 minutes. It has been 4 years since anything physical happened between us.

 

Still, a girl walked by me today and her perfume hit me like a slap in the face. I hate that I can't forget her smell. It draws me in like I'm a 60s cartoon character. I forget which, either Sylvester or Tom. Hypnotizing. Then I spend the rest of the day thinking about her, about her scent and the way it made me feel. Then I get angry at myself for the self-torture. But I can't help it. The smell takes me there and it's like time travelling.

 

The truth is, I know it will happen again every time, and every time I'll close my eyes for a second and remember. It hurts. The scent of this woman.

[JP92]

Come on dude. Man up a little but. As ridiculous as this reason sounds you must view it as she entered your life and put you through this to give you a real wakeup call about how terribly rough the world of dating can be. That's how I truly look at my experience back in January. If that never happened, I'd STILL be a fool who's not totally 100% aware of how to deal with women. As I alluded to earlier, you’ll at least more than likely never be this hurt again bc you’ll be more prepared next time. (i.e. You’d never put both feet in the door so early). I don’t think you have reached the acceptance phase yet. As Beach said, this woman was a great fun part of your life and made you feel joy. She was like your drug. Nothing wrong with that, but you need time to withdraw. Serious time it sounds like. Triggers will eventually fade. I used to think that was just some sham emotional word but boy was I wrong. I remember a few weeks after everything happened I was simply on the train platform waiting for a train one afternoon and I was standing not too far from where I'd be with her on a couple of weekends before she'd go home and I just crumbled inside like a sissy. But, I learned it's just normal. It's part of the process.

 

It is interesting how devastated you are seeing as how she DID reach back out and you blew her off. I thought you were so much more far along there, early on, since you had the strength to not entertain her return. But now I get the vibe that you almost want her to reach out and give you some validation whether that be through an apology or her wanting to see you again. Understand this one cold hard fact... you should NEVER speak to this girl again in my opinion. What's done is done, and it wouldn't have happened any other way. Be strong and keep moving on.

 

Definitely experiencing a setback mentally, but I won't act on it. She was my first true love and I've always heard the first heartbreak is the hardest. When she reached out right after the BU, it was to ease her guilt. I smelled it a mile away and took the advice on here to not talk with her. It just finally hit me the other day that this person is gone from my life forever and it hurt me more than I expected. I knew all along that was going to be the case but it finally felt official and it made me feel bad. Mental images of her sleeping with another guy, marrying him, and having kids with him affected me in a way it shouldn't have affected me.

 

I know I'll be fine. The biggest thing for me is out of sight, out of mind. Seeing her instagram brought back emotions and I have to be strong and avoid EVER seeing any life updates about her because none of them will be positive. Why? They don't include me. I think this is going to take a little longer than I expected since she was my first true relationship and the fact that it was a total blindside. I had flings in college that meant absolutely nothing to me emotionally or the other women. Appreciate the words as always.

[maybejune]

Bad -- I checked his Instagram (after 7 months of absolute NC), of course, he went to winter ski trip and a wedding on a beautiful island. Nothing too dramatic, but it saddened me and I felt my Adrenaline surged, because he never wanted to have any trip with me and deliberately hid me from the same group of ski trip and wedding. My instinct told me there was something wrong there, I remember I kept asking this group of friends, and he didn't want to talk about it. Overall it reassures me, I had an unhappy relationship which I should have ended earlier or never had it from the beginning.

I keep telling myself I should cheer up, I ended it. Even if I want a good bf or a reliable partner, he is not good for me.

 

Good -- I start to learn Ukulele, following Youtube tutorials. My fingertips hurt, but it's fun to play some string-- they are still noise so far, but I am practicing Super Mario now, I will play it well.

-- I went out to shoot night scene of the city, played with my camera and a few pictures came out nice. The weather was perfect, with breeze along the river. I passed by a dog park, those dogs were still getting excited when they saw their friends even though I am pretty sure they meet almost everyday on the walk.

[Cora]

Hey Cora,

 

I'm sorry . I remember when I lost my dog as well. It was losing family. Being at home reminded me of him all the time so I hated being around the particular areas of the house that reminded me of him the most. At first thinking about him hurt so much I tried not to but as I started to feel better, I'd catch myself remember my favorite memories of him..the ones that would make me smile and laugh. It took a good year for me to start feeling okay and by about 2 years I was alright. But I'm slow with grieving so that's just me. You may be better at it than me.

 

Take it day by day

 

- Beach

 

Thanks, I appreciate your reply. I’m a slow griever as well. Last night I stayed up going through pictures of her and bawling my eyes out. Cried so much I gave myself a migraine. Didn’t sleep much and was pretty much a zombie at work today. I think I’m still in shock. There was no warning of her death whatsoever. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy she didn’t have to suffer from some horrible disease. I just miss her. It’s definitely going to be an adjustment living life without her in it. She definitely wasn’t just a dog to me.....she was family. I keep expecting her to run and greet me like she always did when I got home. The house is so quiet now....so empty.

[JP92]

It's only been a month, friend. You're engaging in all the right activities but you're forgetting that healing from a heartbreak is a process that is dependant on time. The time that it will take depends on where your mind is at, who you are, what you're going through, what you've been through, how much you loved this person etc. When we consume food, we can't rush the speed we digest it at. It happens when it happens right? Healing is the same as digestion. In this case, it's not food you're digesting. It's pain/heartache.

 

Just to give you a snippet of what I went through after me and my ex broke up and she returned to her ex last year.. I was in shock for 2-3 weeks. After that, it was numbness and denial. I knew I wasn't okay but I couldn't feel anything. This went on for 2 months and little by little the numbness started to wear off. My performance at work started to suffer until I got fired. I had to shift my studies to the following term. Basically, the aftermath came 3 months later. I crashed and burned and went into deep sadness around month 3-4. With therapy, I got myself back up but returned to denial again, assuming my ex and her ex would eventually break up. But around month 8 though, I found out they got engaged. This time, whatever hope was keeping me stuck her was crushed and faced acceptance for real and finally began to move on. So I was very much in denial for about 8 months. I feel much better now than back then. I think about the future without her and I'm okay. I see other women and I feel attraction again. But, I still step out onto my street and see things that remind me of her everyday. Somedays I forget and pass them by without realizing, somedays I'm aware of it and catch thoughts. Took 11 months of healing to get there. The ex before her took me 2 years. Some girls I got over in a week. Some in a few months. All depends. If you want to hear the stories, I'll inbox you.

 

You just have to take it easy on yourself.

 

This woman broke your heart. You were living your life prior to her but you were hoping you'd meet someone special. When she came along, ofcourse you were happy for the same reasons all of us would have been happy. She made life so much better. Colours became more vibrant, more saturated. People became more tolerable. The mornings became easier. Suddenly, life wasn't as bad. You probably felt loved. Not the maternal kind of love, or a friendly platonic love, but a romantic, intimate kind of love.

 

You're not going to feel okay losing someone you cared for. They walked into your life, made you believe they were someone else, made you care, made you trust, and then they essentially betrayed that. Call it out for what it is. Whether they meant to do this or not, it doesn't matter. How you feel is what's real to you. You feel betrayed. You put your best self out there for them and they just chucked it into the bin.

 

There is nothing to be upset about in regards to who you were in this relationship. It wasn't your fault. The next time you get into a new relationship, you'll still have to extend the courtesy of your trust and love to the new person and treat them and the situation as unique. Otherwise you'll choke the relationship to death with fears of the past and end up being the reason it didn't move forward..and that will rest on your conscious as "What if." Not something you'd want.

 

Problems are always going to be there in life. The misconception is that we can one day live a problem free life. That's not true. We simply learn to solve old problems as we grow as people and discover better ones to have. And that will remain true until the day we die. What a partner does is make these problems easier to deal with because of the love and companionship and intimacy they provide.

 

When this girl left, because you got used to her, her absence made all those problems that much more pronounced. That's not your fault and there is nothing you could do to prevent the pain you are now in. What you can do is understand that it'll take time. Be gentle to yourself.

Be patient with yourself. Extend your heart the time it will need to catch up with what your mind already knows.

 

- Beach

 

Thanks, Beach. I'd love to hear the stories if you do not mind. My healing has been a bit delayed because I was clinging onto false hope for a little while but i've given up on any hope. She made it clear to me that she wanted to just be single and I believed it like a fool. I thought maybe the single life will make her miss what we had and she'll realize her mistake. There was another guy all along and the idea of her falling for another guy hurt me too much to believe it. I know it's over forever now. I know even if by some miracle she got in touch with me asking to take her back that I couldn't in good conscious do it. She's history.

 

The problem with shorter relationships is you never really see the negatives. Everything seems so wonderful and fresh and then it's over before it ever really starts. All the talks/ideas of starting a family and sharing a future together were just words. Right when I felt like I really fell for this woman, she pulled the plug. And when we first started, she seemed way more into me than I was into her. It's like we traveled at different rates. I gradually fell for her while she started to drift away mentally after falling hard for me at first. It sucks.

 

I've been trying so hard to erase the void that I feel in my life but you are right, I just need to be patient. I'll take a lot from this experience in the future. I walked in with blinders and thought it was a slam dunk. Very rarely do people get it right the first time and most people have to experience heartbreak before they find happiness. I'm not at any stage where I can date someone for a good while because I don't have it in me to give them my best and that's unfair to them.

[Phoenician]

After A Year in the battle of divorce ; it is still ugly .

But at the end Being brave , doesn't mean that you are not scared .

Being brave means you are scared ,really scared , badly scared ,and you do the right thing anyway ...

[Beachead]

Thanks, Beach. I'd love to hear the stories if you do not mind. My healing has been a bit delayed because I was clinging onto false hope for a little while but i've given up on any hope. She made it clear to me that she wanted to just be single and I believed it like a fool. I thought maybe the single life will make her miss what we had and she'll realize her mistake. There was another guy all along and the idea of her falling for another guy hurt me too much to believe it. I know it's over forever now. I know even if by some miracle she got in touch with me asking to take her back that I couldn't in good conscious do it. She's history.

 

The problem with shorter relationships is you never really see the negatives. Everything seems so wonderful and fresh and then it's over before it ever really starts. All the talks/ideas of starting a family and sharing a future together were just words. Right when I felt like I really fell for this woman, she pulled the plug. And when we first started, she seemed way more into me than I was into her. It's like we traveled at different rates. I gradually fell for her while she started to drift away mentally after falling hard for me at first. It sucks.

 

I've been trying so hard to erase the void that I feel in my life but you are right, I just need to be patient. I'll take a lot from this experience in the future. I walked in with blinders and thought it was a slam dunk. Very rarely do people get it right the first time and most people have to experience heartbreak before they find happiness. I'm not at any stage where I can date someone for a good while because I don't have it in me to give them my best and that's unfair to them.

 

No worries. Check your inbox when you get a chance. I dropped nice story for you, full of all the mistakes I've made in a another ex situation.

 

- Beach

[Beachead]

Thanks, I appreciate your reply. I’m a slow griever as well. Last night I stayed up going through pictures of her and bawling my eyes out. Cried so much I gave myself a migraine. Didn’t sleep much and was pretty much a zombie at work today. I think I’m still in shock. There was no warning of her death whatsoever. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy she didn’t have to suffer from some horrible disease. I just miss her. It’s definitely going to be an adjustment living life without her in it. She definitely wasn’t just a dog to me.....she was family. I keep expecting her to run and greet me like she always did when I got home. The house is so quiet now....so empty.

 

I know. I still think about my dog all the time and it's been 15 years now. The last memories of him when he passed away are something I can't forget but it doesn't paralyze me anymore. The good memories I think about all the time and it makes me smile. How much he loved icecream and carrots. The way he ate carrots truly was a work of art. He was also very photogenic. I think about the mischievous things he'd do like dig up my mom's garden with his nose and pretend he did nothing even though we could clearly see dirt on his nose. How he always needed to run into these trees and bushes to take his offical bathroom stop. Made sure nobody could see him. He protected me too because he knew I was small. I was truly grateful for being blessed to have furry four legged brother growing up. I wouldn't have made it through what I went through if it wasn't for him.

 

It'll hurt until it doesn't. Same as heartbreak. Let it all out and take it easy on yourself.

 

- Beach

[Mac0908]

Had rare signs of weakness over the weekend. First Saturday night me and a friend went out to dinner and then to a bar for a drink after. Just us guys hanging out and catching up. The big difference between me and him is he's getting married in 2 weeks while I'm still staring at all the "hot girls" in the field wondering when my time will come. Summer after summer it's the same story, and while I try and keep my chin up and am good at doing so the majority of the time, every once and a while I cringe inside. I cringe bc I'm 33 years old still having a beer at a bar where I end up going home to an empty apartment afterwards. I often wonder if a breaking point for me exists. Scares me to think so. I've made so much progress in these last 5 months, but I do still think about these things so clearly I'm not that type of guy who can just find 100% true joy in being single. It's just obvious, I want someone to share my life with at this stage. I have for years.

 

Then Sunday it was onto more weakness. I watched a movie we both were big fans of yet never actually watched together. Then wouldn't you know it, while I was watching, all I could see was her face over and over. I reached a point a while ago now where I know full well what she did was wrong and I have nothing to be upset about, but it still amazes me and obviously p-sses me off how I manage to get so weak even on a rare occasion. I see her face and anger follows. It's not even her anymore at all. If she threw herself back at me I wouldn't even want her short of a fun night of a sex. I think it's just the fact that she represents the depression, if even minor, that I still carry around with me. I still feel that I will never truly be at 100% until someone else comes along, and that sucks bc if today's dating world is any indication, that might not for a long, long time.

[Beachead]

Had rare signs of weakness over the weekend. First Saturday night me and a friend went out to dinner and then to a bar for a drink after. Just us guys hanging out and catching up. The big difference between me and him is he's getting married in 2 weeks while I'm still staring at all the "hot girls" in the field wondering when my time will come. Summer after summer it's the same story, and while I try and keep my chin up and am good at doing so the majority of the time, every once and a while I cringe inside. I cringe bc I'm 33 years old still having a beer at a bar where I end up going home to an empty apartment afterwards. I often wonder if a breaking point for me exists. Scares me to think so. I've made so much progress in these last 5 months, but I do still think about these things so clearly I'm not that type of guy who can just find 100% true joy in being single. It's just obvious, I want someone to share my life with at this stage. I have for years.

 

Then Sunday it was onto more weakness. I watched a movie we both were big fans of yet never actually watched together. Then wouldn't you know it, while I was watching, all I could see was her face over and over. I reached a point a while ago now where I know full well what she did was wrong and I have nothing to be upset about, but it still amazes me and obviously p-sses me off how I manage to get so weak even on a rare occasion. I see her face and anger follows. It's not even her anymore at all. If she threw herself back at me I wouldn't even want her short of a fun night of a sex. I think it's just the fact that she represents the depression, if even minor, that I still carry around with me. I still feel that I will never truly be at 100% until someone else comes along, and that sucks bc if today's dating world is any indication, that might not for a long, long time.

 

Right there with you Mac. It's a freaking disaster out there. Forces you to become something your not in order to go through the process of finding someone. When we do find someone, who's to say they won't leave the next day? Who's the say they won't ghost us or get taken away by someone else. We don't know who we're dealing with until we do.

 

Friends are getting married left, right and center and here I am as well, just like you, having to live everyday without anyone. Not for lack of trying.

 

I could have just as easily written what you wrote just now. I know that doesn't change your situation or how you feel about it but know you aren't alone in that.

 

- Beach

[Jsos91]

Alright so... I FINALLY blocked her for more than a 24 hour period and I get home from my long weekend away, open my laptop, and there she is. I guess when you block someone on your phone, it doesn't block them on iMessage on your mac (just an fyi for people.)

 

Anyways, just a "Hey could you pretty please get my ps2 if you go up to the cottage?" I don't even think her ps2 is at my cottage so I'm pretty perplexed.. Anyways the message is from Friday so I'm just leaving it alone. That marks 3 messages in the last month... I have her blocked on everything now and I feel a bit more empowered. I know a lot of people on here haven't been able to understand why Ive struggled to block her and I don't think I can really give a great reason. I think maybe I've been waiting on some kind of closure which I know is ridiculous, or maybe its been my ego and Ive thought that maybe someday she would miss me and I will feel vindicated in some way. I think now I've come to the realization thats its always going to be about items or something that she just has to contact me about... I need to just find everything I need within myself and let her go completely. These messages she's sending and wondering how I am is just to assuage her guilt and assure her that she didn't do anything wrong, I haven't given her that but I need to end this toxic cycle I've been finding myself in. I've never thought myself to have an addictive personality but this woman is one hell of a drug to detox from.

[Mac0908]

Right there with you Mac. It's a freaking disaster out there. Forces you to become something your not in order to go through the process of finding someone. When we do find someone, who's to say they won't leave the next day? Who's the say they won't ghost us or get taken away by someone else. We don't know who we're dealing with until we do.

 

Friends are getting married left, right and center and here I am as well, just like you, having to live everyday without anyone. Not for lack of trying.

 

I could have just as easily written what you wrote just now. I know that doesn't change your situation or how you feel about it but know you aren't alone in that.

 

- Beach

 

Thanks.

 

I think hands down the part that bothers me the most at this point is the age factor. At 33, it's certainly no secret that I'm getting up there, and with that comes the harsh reality that there won't be much of a youthful fun experience of all sorts of activities with a significant other should I ever end up meeting someone again. No, those are already long gone for me. I had fun with my one long term ex, but that was so long ago now. During the short time together with the recent ex we had this one particular night where a friend of mine had a Christmas party. What a joy it was actually being out with someone I was proud to call my date. Not being single for a change. Sad how that was such a big thing for me, but it's just reality.

 

On Saturday my friend told me him and his soon to be wife plan on having their first kid around the one year mark. I looked at him and said "Damn, can't you wait 2 years haha?" and he kind of shrugged it off and said how he'll already be 34 in a year, hinting that 34 is basically already old enough for a first kid, at least for him. Meanwhile I'm sitting there and don't even have a quality first date lined up.

 

Yup, summer blues hit me hard this past weekend, and are lingering at the moment. Maybe when I attend my friends kids 1st birthday party solo this weekend it will make things better :lmao:

Edited July 3, 2018 by Mac0908