How are you coping today?

[Mac0908]

But I wouldn't really regret much of anything at all bc the bottom line is she was NOT over this guy and was going back to him anyway. Your fling/relationship, just like mine, was a disaster waiting to happen. I spoke about this myself in my latest thread. Thinking back about how I acted and absolutely cringing over it after all I've learned since then (i.e. Getting upset/frustrated shows weakness, pushes them away, etc). But the best thing about my case as I said and YOURS too is it really doesn't matter. You could have played it perfectly and you could have had zero anxiety. Doesn't change the fact that she was in no position to give you what you wanted so you should accept this and I mean really accept it now. I mean my ex is back with the guy, yours is MARRYING him for f-ck's sake. How is that not great validation for you that ultimately you did the right thing by getting out asap? Clearly they were destined for each other.

[fieldoflavender]

Who is really scared of getting into another relationship again? I'm seeing someone and I feel like I'm almost in self-sabotage mode again because the wounds are still fresh and I don't want to get hurt again.

[Chilli]

But why are you seeing someone so soon then ?.

That is soooooo common with women and so then it's same ole every time, they start sabotaging.

 

Except you actually realize your doing it , most of them don't.

So why don't you just stop it dead in it's tracks then before it wrecks things , or don't you care that much anyway ?

 

But then if you don't care that much anyway you shouldn't even be seeing him so why would you waste your time ?

[StrangerThanFiction]

It was his birthday yesterday and it was a rough one. All day I agonized over whether or not to message him. In the end I’m proud to say I didn’t. I know it’s not a big deal but to me I feel it was a win. A step towards putting him behind me for good. I didn’t give in to wanting to connect. It’s been almost a month of NC and while I’m not as far along as I was hoping to be by this point I’m still making progress. I think maybe why I may not be as far along as I wanted to be is because of stress over my work situation. My job is seasonal and it has been a really late start and money is getting tight and that worry is contributing to me having a hard time letting go due to wanting reassurance and comfort. Don’t know why I would place my ex in that category because he never provided either while we were together, but stress does weird things to a person I guess? I’m sure once my financial situation is more stable everything else will get easier as well.

[Beachead]

Who is really scared of getting into another relationship again? I'm seeing someone and I feel like I'm almost in self-sabotage mode again because the wounds are still fresh and I don't want to get hurt again.

 

I'm not afraid. I just don't want to. Too much of a headache and I don't see the benefit in it.

 

But going back to you. The past is the past and that's it. What makes the past become the present is when you bring your past into it. If your current bf ends up reminding you of your past bf, it could be because you were behaving in some way that triggered a similar behavioral pattern from him or because he ended up actually being similar to your past boyfriend. But the thing to remember is, he is not your ex. And this relationships is not your past relationship. They are completely independent of one another.

 

The person you're with also has a past. Has fears. Just like you, he as chosen to invest his time and energy into this. His heart is in your hands and yours is in his and you both own a certain accountability to eachother's well-being. It's a mutual trust. Just believe in that because if you're unsure of yourself, you could hurt the guy and then we'll have another heartbroken person in the world.

 

- Beach

Edited May 31, 2018 by Beachead

[fieldoflavender]

It's not too soon. It's exactly one year.

 

I know my ex was wrong. It's just that I'm scared of getting hurt by the same things and there's some features that are overlap but I think I'm too oversensitive.

[Cora]

Who is really scared of getting into another relationship again? I'm seeing someone and I feel like I'm almost in self-sabotage mode again because the wounds are still fresh and I don't want to get hurt again.

 

There is always going to be a level of fear there for me, but I’ve mostly just become very bitter over it all....dating, relationships, the whole nine yards. I know that I’m in no position to meet someone new in this frame of mind so for the past six months I’ve completely stopped dating and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. I know that I wouldn’t be doing myself or the other person any favors if I were to start dating in this mind frame.

[fieldoflavender]

I can do all the fun things, etc. But when "feelings" get involved, I kind of flashbacks of the crap my ex put me through and his crazy family. I find it hard to trust again.

[JP92]

I learned I can never take melatonin for sleep again. Had the craziest dream about my ex last night but it was all positive like we were back together and she apologized for everything. I woke up and checked my phone to see 0 texts or 0 missed calls and that pain in my chest reappeared. Even in your dreams, you aren't safe....smh

[Beachead]

I can do all the fun things, etc. But when "feelings" get involved, I kind of flashbacks of the crap my ex put me through and his crazy family. I find it hard to trust again.

 

It's normal to feel that 100%.

 

No way to know if someone's in or not until they're not. That's why those who love are brave. It's a risk. A leap of faith. A choice to believe in that person. A choice to trust that they won't hurt you. And to not hate yourself should it not work out because at the time when you chose to be with them, it was worth it. To choose to be in a relationship is to put that past aside and treat this as its own situation. Shouldn't be in a relationship otherwise.

 

At the end of the day, the other person won't spend the rest of their life trying to prove themselves to someone who will doubt them. It'll wear on them, they'll leave and we may be the very reason that caused what we feared.

 

- Beach

Edited June 6, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

My first post in this thread in a long time.

 

I consider myself 100% moved on, but a little bit of pain still peaks through from time to time and I'm not sure why. It's been over 4 months since I was hurt the worst I was ever hurt by a woman in my life, and in these 4 months of NC it has been a roller coaster ride like I never experienced before. One that has lead me to an amazing point where I truly consider myself a better person, and a more confident than ever before. That being said, I feel like I backtrack a bit when I experience these rare points of pain. Usually they are always associated with a trigger of sorts. Yesterday I went and did an activity for example that me and her never did together, but it's something I know she has done and enjoyed, and for whatever reason, she was in and out of my head all day. I don't get upset when I think of her anymore, pass by places we went to together, or even when looking at photos of her (I tested myself), but for some reason, not so common things remain trigger points. Obviously it doesn't help that I don't have anything legit going on right now in my life dating wise, but I still feel like I should be past this. While I'm completely "moved on" in the sense that I don't care if I never speak to her ever again and don't care about her in any way shape or form, I might still be lingering around 97% as far as being legitimately "healed", and this upsets me.

Edited June 10, 2018 by Mac0908

[Beachead]

My first post in this thread in a long time.

 

I consider myself 100% moved on, but a little bit of pain still peaks through from time to time and I'm not sure why. It's been over 4 months since I was hurt the worst I was ever hurt by a woman in my life, and in these 4 months of NC it has been a roller coaster ride like I never experienced before. One that has lead me to an amazing point where I truly consider myself a better person, and a more confident than ever before. That being said, I feel like I backtrack a bit when I experience these rare points of pain. Usually they are always associated with a trigger of sorts. Yesterday I went and did an activity for example that me and her never did together, but it's something I know she has done and enjoyed, and for whatever reason, she was in and out of my head all day. I don't get upset when I think of her anymore, pass by places we went to together, or even when looking at photos of her (I tested myself), but for some reason, not so common things remain trigger points. Obviously it doesn't help that I don't have anything legit going on right now in my life dating wise, but I still feel like I should be past this. While I'm completely "moved on" in the sense that I don't care if I never speak to her ever again and don't care about her in any way shape or form, I might still be lingering around 97% as far as being legitimately "healed", and this upsets me.

 

I can only describe that 3% as a broken bone that still aches when it rains.

 

It's all normal. I don't believe any of us are really 100% because deep down inside we feel to some degree, heartbroken. We know it. We just don't say it. That remaining 3% may only ever clear if you meet that special someone. Until then, that 3% will be the driving force that keeps you learning, growing and developing.

 

Just remind yourself it was solely that girl and her bs that ruined the relationship. You cared about her so you came from a place of giving. You gave her the benefit of the doubt, gave her your forgiveness, gave her a second chance. You did exactly what you should have as a partner and as a friend. If you meet someone new, you'd still have to do the same. Can't be in a relationship doubting and fearing. Unless we enjoy being the reason why it ended, we will always have to take a risk and open our hearts.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself because sometimes you are and I've noticed that. You aren't supposed to feel or be anything by any particular date. You simply are. Don't fight those emotions. Let it be free to flow.

 

- Beach

Edited June 10, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

I can only describe that 3% as a broken bone that still aches when it rains.

 

It's all normal. I don't believe any of us single people are really 100% because deep down inside we feel to some degree, heartbroken. We know it. We just don't say it. That remaining 3% may only ever clear if you meet that special someone. Until then, that 3% will be the driving force that keeps you learning, growing and developing.

 

Just remind yourself it was solely that girl and her bs that ruined the relationship. You cared about her so you came from a place of giving. You gave her the benefit of the doubt, gave her your forgiveness, gave her a second chance. You did exactly what you should have as a partner and as a friend. If you meet someone new, you'd still have to do the same. Can't be in a relationship doubting and fearing. Unless we enjoy being the reason why it ended, we will always have to take a risk and open our hearts.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself because sometimes you are and I've noticed that. You aren't supposed to feel or be anything by any particular date. You simply are. Don't fight those emotions. Let it be free to flow.

 

- Beach

 

Thanks man. That response really helped. I know for certain that you're not supposed to be hard on yourself and that feeling sad, angry, frustrated is all part of the process and it's OK to feel that way. But I guess it just really bothered me seeing as how for the last month or so I've finally been perfectly fine and thought I was 1000% over this in every way shape and form. But you're right in that it's not the end of the world.

 

It's just a weird feeling, when you look back at someone like this girl, who turned out to be such a piece of work and detriment to my life, and I wonder why she still affects me in ANY way, even if it is 3% of the time. I guess part of my brain/heart still focuses on the good times we had by default, since that was such a nice(and rare) thing I had in my life.

[Beachead]

Thanks man. That response really helped. I know for certain that you're not supposed to be hard on yourself and that feeling sad, angry, frustrated is all part of the process and it's OK to feel that way. But I guess it just really bothered me seeing as how for the last month or so I've finally been perfectly fine and thought I was 1000% over this in every way shape and form. But you're right in that it's not the end of the world.

 

It's just a weird feeling, when you look back at someone like this girl, who turned out to be such a piece of work and detriment to my life, and I wonder why she still affects me in ANY way, even if it is 3% of the time. I guess part of my brain/heart still focuses on the good times we had by default, since that was such a nice(and rare) thing I had in my life.

 

I know what you mean. It's involuntary.

 

I felt a little shock to my heart when I had to drive by my ex's old place few days back. She's married, gone and moved on but there it came. Just because they moved on, doesn't mean things didn't happen. They did. And we carry on because we have to but again, that doesn't mean things didn't happen. Those little moments of pain remind us that it did happen.

 

I know in those times, why I feel the way I do. Something that impacted me so much because I always wanted it, turned out to be nothing in the grand scheme of life. Hard to swallow that sometimes. Then I come back to reality, sobered by who they are, what they did.

Edited June 11, 2018 by Beachead

[JP92]

I'm really struggling today. The stupid dreams keep happening. Once again, I dreamed about her and everything was "great". She came to my apartment place, sobbed for hours about how badly she messed up and wants me back and I took her back and everything was fantastic.

 

 

Then I woke up....once again, looked over to an empty bed and checked a phone with no new messages or calls. This **** is so much harder than I ever thought it would be.....I'll see the light for a couple of days and then feel like I am back at stage 1 all over again. I think my problem is that she was truly my first real relationship. I had flings in college but we both knew from the get go it would go nowhere and we'd just have fun. This was my first real relationship where I thought I could marry the woman, have a strong future, and thought we had a strong connection. I have always had a lot of doubts/insecurities about my ability to have a relationship or attract women so I went all out when this woman gave me a chance. I can't get her out of mind. No matter what activity I partake in, she's there in my mind. Yet, I know it's over for good. She said she didn't see a "life long relationship" which is about as over as over gets and has made no effort to reconnect, plus I just saw her with another guy. I think that's just added pain knowing that it's finally 100% over....just like that. A snap of the finger. A person I saw myself being with for the rest of my life just a month ago is out of my life forever. Just a cruel reality to accept and I now think the grieving process is going to much longer than expected after the huge mental setback today. It also didn't help that I attended a work related party yesterday and everyone there was with their significant other and looked insanely happy as I faked my happiness as the lone person without a partner at the party.

Edited June 11, 2018 by JP92

[Cora]

I had a very bittersweet moment over the weekend. My brother introduced his new girlfriend to the family for the first time. It reminded me of what I had lost and what I will never get back again, but it also gave me hope for the future when I’m ready to get back out there.....that life goes on. And if my brother can love again after a failed engagement then maybe not all is lost. It gave me such joy to see him so happy after a very dark time in his life. I think this girl will be good for him and I pray that it lasts and that both of their hearts will be spared pain and heartache.

 

I’ve been keeping very busy lately. I have my third job interview this week with a company I’ve been trying to get a job with for years. I pray that it goes well because this job could set me on my way to a dream I’ve wanted to accomplish for a very long time now. I’ve also been busy with my second part time job I just started training for this summer. I also hope to eventually go back to school for my masters degree. I have my sights set on a goal and I’m determined to reach it.

 

I recently found out over the past few weeks that my ex and the girl he left me for are having a house built together. Their dream house so to speak. The house that my ex lived in sold very quickly and they are moving on with the next phase of their life together. Hard to believe they’ve been together over three years now. Longer than we were together. I guess she must be the one. Thankfully, I’ve been so busy with my career goals and just life in general to obsess over it like I’d normally do. No matter how badly someone hurts you....time heals and life does go on.

[fieldoflavender]

I'm really glad that I don't know anything about what's happening with my ex. In my weak moments, I would search his work website but I know I need to stop doing that.

 

And it's okay whatever. My other ex is married. Life goes on.

 

I don't think I'm ready to date again - or maybe the right person hasn't come out. I keep feeling everytime I date, the fresh wounds get ripped again and again. Maybe I need more time but wtf it's been 1 year.

 

I just need a bit of a break right now. I'm going through another semi break up and all of these remind me of my disastrous explosive break up last year.

[Beachead]

I'm really glad that I don't know anything about what's happening with my ex. In my weak moments, I would search his work website but I know I need to stop doing that.

 

And it's okay whatever. My other ex is married. Life goes on.

 

I don't think I'm ready to date again - or maybe the right person hasn't come out. I keep feeling everytime I date, the fresh wounds get ripped again and again. Maybe I need more time but wtf it's been 1 year.

 

I just need a bit of a break right now. I'm going through another semi break up and all of these remind me of my disastrous explosive break up last year.

 

I don't think you can rely on time to decide when it's right. Progress in 1 year to someone else may be be different than it is to you. All depends. It's good you tried to date though just to see where you're at. Now that you know, you can make adjustments. If you feel the wounds, you feel the wounds. Just gotta play it by ear until it's healed. No need to rush it.

 

-Beach

[maybejune]

I recently realized I unconsciously hope I can get him back! I know it's so unbelievable, especially after I wrote 'HE IS GONE' on my mirror for a month in January, I thought I had accepted that the relationship is ENDED.

 

I miss him all the time, more than I would like to admit, that I am even willing to look at his social media at risk of seeing him with potential new girl. I remember Beachead had replied to me, we all want what we can't have. That makes sense, I also remember the days I didn't have any confidence he will be there for me during my hard time, and a year ago this time, I felt he only met me to pass time when he was bored.

 

Once a month at least during my PMS week, I want to see his social media, haha. But I have been good for not checking that for 6 months! VI MONTHS! You guys know how I have been struggling these days.

 

Also I don't know why but my phone has quite a few missing calls from mostly local random numbers. Most likely my number was leaked, but I can't stop wondering someone is trying to call without actually having a call. I just have to write this down and know I am making up those dramas in my mind.

 

I am wondering if it is time for me to start dating new people, apparently being single doesn't stop me looking backward.

Edited June 12, 2018 by maybejune

[Beachead]

I recently realized I unconsciously hope I can get him back! I know it's so unbelievable, especially after I wrote 'HE IS GONE' on my mirror for a month in January, I thought I had accepted that the relationship is ENDED.

 

I miss him all the time, more than I would like to admit, that I am even willing to look at his social media at risk of seeing him with potential new girl. I remember Beachead had replied to me, we all want what we can't have. That makes sense, I also remember the days I didn't have any confidence he will be there for me during my hard time, and a year ago this time, I felt he only met me to pass time when he was bored.

 

Once a month at least during my PMS week, I want to see his social media, haha. But I have been good for not checking that for 6 months! VI MONTHS! You guys know how I have been struggling these days.

 

Also I don't know why but my phone has quite a few missing calls from mostly local random numbers. Most likely my number was leaked, but I can't stop wondering someone is trying to call without actually having a call. I just have to write this down and know I am making up those dramas in my mind.

 

I am wondering if it is time for me to start dating new people, apparently being single doesn't stop me looking backward.

 

Glad you're doing well MaybeJune, Congrats on the 6 months. Test the waters if you're curious about whether you're ready to date or not. You'll know the answer immediately if things gets serious. If you feel a knot in your stomach or general unpleasant feelings, then no. But if it's something like butterflies, excitement, good feelings..then yes.

 

Since the last memory you had of being with someone was with your ex, so those memories will be what sits in your mind when you think of guys, dating, relationships. In order to change that, and move passed it, you'll have to make new memories with new people.

 

- Beach

[HiCrunchy]

I am having a hard time right now. Chest pains and anxiety. I feel pins and needles all of the time. WTF. I wish I felt more calm.

[fieldoflavender]

It's okay to date new people. Just realize that if there's rejections, you will feel like you're breaking up again in the beginning. Just date for fun in the beginning (not like hook ups) but don't have high expectations. Once your feet are wet, then you can look for something serious. It helped distract from my ex.

 

I started 2 months after breaking up. Going on dates with people. It took about 5-6 people before I'm in my new "sort of relationship" right now. I had a another pseudo relationship before that too that didn't work out. Those experiences really did help me move on. It makes me understand more what I want. And it's nice to be intimate again with someone (didn't even kiss) but to even go on dates, act like a romantic partner, makes you feel that you are desired again. I didn't even feel any desire for anyone for a while after but now I do want that and heading towards that maybe? It will pass.

 

I agree with others - either you go back and try to win them back. Or you move on. I do miss some things about him, but I will never forget or forgive our break up day and what he did. I'm sure eventually as I get older and have more experiences/other people, it will fade. But I think some things in life are unforgivable and that is that. I don't want to go back, so the only way to move is forward.

[Beachead]

@FieldofLavender I admire that you've started dating again. Takes courage to put yourself out there.

 

I've been putting myself around more female company lately. Seeing how it feels. I feel some attraction and the desire to want to be out there with someone but it's overided by tiredness to go through the whole process again. I think about my current stage of life and how it's currently all over the place and I don't feel like putting myself out there again and being judged for it. Dating, relationships..it just feels like work to me. 3 breakups was enough for me. To fall and risk facing another loss for the 4th time isn't not worth it anymore.

 

I know my heart wants the intimacy, but it's just too tired. Not sure I'll really ever return to dating. Kind of sad actually.

Edited June 13, 2018 by Beachead

[fieldoflavender]

@FieldofLavender I admire that you've started dating again. Takes courage to put yourself out there.

 

I've been putting myself around more female company lately. Seeing how it feels. I feel some attraction and the desire to want to be out there with someone but it's overided by tiredness to go through the whole process again. I think about my current stage of life and how it's currently all over the place and I don't feel like putting myself out there again and being judged for it. Dating, relationships..it just feels like work to me. 3 breakups was enough for me. To fall and risk facing another loss for the 4th time isn't not worth it anymore.

 

I know my heart wants the intimacy, but it's just too tired. Not sure I'll really ever return to dating. Kind of sad actually.

 

Aw I think you should give it a try slowly? No expectations in the beginning. Have you tried online dating or anything? I've had 2 break-ups, one brutal. But many people have had more right. Just think of it as having a drink with a pretty girl who is potentially nice and has fun things to talk about. Otherwise I find it's really hard to forget the ex. Seeing new people distracts me. Or hang out with single opposite gender friends. I did that a lot in the beginning which helped since I know they won't hurt me like new potential dates.

[JP92]

I feel like I have regressed mentally. Maybe it's just a part of the process but she runs through my mind 24-7. I know it's easy to say this now but I am 100% sure I won't attempt to date again. It's just not worth the risk. The pain I feel is nearly unbearable and I gave everything I could possibly offer to this woman. I won't go through this again. Finding a great partner that you love and can share your life with forever would be great but there's always the risk of them breaking it up or things not working out and the risk of the deep pain is not worth the possible reward of it working out in my mind.

 

"There's someone out there for everyone." Maybe that is the case, but I don't have the energy or heart to risk going through more BUs before finding that one. It's time I respect my heart and build towards an independent life. Since I was a teen, I have let my happiness be controlled by others. Great friends have moved, lost contact with me, or other life things and losing people that were a huge part of my life is something that has always hurt me deeply. Not quite as bad as this last loss for me with my ex GF. It eats at me that people who valued you a lot and you valued a lot can have such a strong presence in your life and then poof; they're gone forever. Never again am I going to allow people to dictate my happiness. I won't turn cold and be mean to others but I am not interested in new connections. This experience has exposed how fragile my heart is and I'm too scared to risk it being broken again after seeing how wreckless people are with it.

Edited June 13, 2018 by JP92