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Posted (edited)

You all know the urge was building for me. I was getting lower and lower. Really was feeling desperate. I wanted answers...

 

Only one thing left to do.

 

It was easy writing what i needed to say. I'd been thinking about it for weeks.

All i had to do was click send.

 

Just as i'm about to do it, my mind started screaming at me. Questions i hadn't been asking myself. "Did you deserve the way you were treated?" "Do you trust her? Or anything she says?" "Hasn't she proven to you she not going to be there for you?" "Do you really want someone like that in your life?"

 

What you resist persists...

 

I'd spent so long resisting the urge to reach out that when it came time, I realised she isn't someone i wanted to reach out to.

 

Big changes for me in the last few days. Earlier stages but I've had the first real/proper thoughts about "moving on" There come a point where you have to. I feel i'm beginning to understand that, i need to. And that i have to.

Edited by hurtsbadjusthurts
  • Like 3
Posted

Another Friday night coming home from work feeling down. The good news as usual is it's not about her. Well, not most of it at least. I'm basically back where I was at before she came around. Sad, lonely and depressed. 33 and at that stage where you're actually in a weird way looking forward to going back to work on Monday. Sad but true.

 

I actually do have a date tomorrow, but it's one I'm not too excited about. I'm giving it a chance, but after our first two dates it's just absolutely certain in my mind that there isn't a very strong connection. Unless this goes amazing, tomorrow will probably be it. I hate going the route of comparing, but as nice as this girl I'm seeing tomorrow is, and even somewhat attractive, it doesn't even come close to the attraction I felt for her. The fun I had with her.

 

God this just seems so f-cking unfair. Week after week, month after month, and even year after year of just seeking a good attractive girl who I can feel something special for. I had it, so I thought. Boy did I think I had it. After all the hell that is dating I thought I had it. Yet it blew up in my face again? Just give a break at this point. Don't I deserve that at this point?

Posted (edited)

It's been a rough 2 days for me. Unwanted thoughts. I rationalize them away but today I just feel like I need to let them in and simmer. Need to just let loose.

 

Thought about what life was like this time last year. Found myself thinking about things again. I miss it all sometimes. Wasn't like I ever stopped loving her.

 

I guess it all came back to me because a pretty girl checked me out and I was attracted to her. Reminded me of the beginning of every relationship I was in Reminded me of losing connection with them. Made me think about how much time has passed by since my recent ex and I split. She left and never looked back. It still hurts, even today and it exhausts me to think about ever going through it again.

 

I go on and do my thing in life but I know I'm wounded and I know those wounds will take a long time to go away, if ever.

Edited by Beachead
  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

 

It's been a rough 2 days for me. Unwanted thoughts. I rationalize them away but today I just feel like I need to let them in and simmer. Need to just let loose.

 

Thought about what life was like this time last year. Found myself thinking about things again. I miss it all sometimes. Wasn't like I ever stopped loving her.

 

I guess it all came back to me because a pretty girl checked me out and I was attracted to her. Reminded me of the beginning of every relationship I was in Reminded me of losing connection with them. Made me think about how much time has passed by since my recent ex and I split. She left and never looked back. It still hurts, even today and it exhausts me to think about ever going through it again.

 

I go on and do my thing in life but I know I'm wounded and I know those wounds will take a long time to go away, if ever.

 

Just curious Beachead, do you know for a fact that she's still with the guy?

 

If she wasn't, are you still at a point where you would never ever reach back out?

 

Your post hit home with me tonight. All the things you're missing from last year, this is like me too. It's a great feeling, isn't it? To care about someone special and have that reciprocated? Just a shame how it seems so hard to achieve this. But back to you, it's obvious you guys had a connection, and a good one. You, like me, weren't a "textbook" rebound. There was something there. Your story is different than mine however in the sense that YOU ended it, so you reaching back out wouldn't be so ill advised, IF they were no longer together of course.

 

I'm just trying to rationalize this the best I can bc at 7 months, I honestly think you should be very close to moved on and healed by now, at least to the point where you no longer have very rough stretches like the one you're going through right now. I'm approaching 2 months and it still hurts and haunts me at times, some days worse than others. I ended things with a girl I went out with a few times today, and it just sucked and brought my entire day down. Why can't I just have the girl I wanted? The girl I laughed with and had so much fun with? The girl I felt an insane chemical attraction to? Why? I want to be free of the pain so badly, but like you, I think its really also just the overall loneliness that affects me as well. At our age range (30+), it gets harder and harder to go through life without someone you truly care about by your side. Add on the fact that we both felt like we had it, only for it to be taken away from us in drastic/sudden ways, and yeah, it's just horrible.

Edited by Mac0908
Posted (edited)
Just curious Beachead, do you know for a fact that she's still with the guy?

 

If she wasn't, are you still at a point where you would never ever reach back out?

 

Your post hit home with me tonight. All the things you're missing from last year, this is like me too. It's a great feeling, isn't it? To care about someone special and have that reciprocated? Just a shame how it seems so hard to achieve this. But anyway, it's obvious you guys had a connection, and a good one. You, like me, weren't a "textbook" rebound. There was something there. Your story is different than mine however in the sense that YOU ended it, so you reaching back out wouldn't be so ill advised, IF they were no longer together of course.

 

I'm just trying to rationalize this the best I can bc at 7 months, I honestly think you should be very close moved on and healed by now, at least to the point where you no longer have very rough stretches like the one you're going through right now. I'm approaching 2 months and it still hurts and haunts me at times, some days worse than others. I want to be free of the pain so badly, but like you, I think its really also just the overall loneliness that affects me as well. At our age range (30+), it gets harder and harder to go through life without someone you truly care about by your side. Add on the fact that we both felt like we had it, only for it to be taken away from us in drastic/sudden ways, and yeah, it's just horrible.

 

I've moved passed it. I haven't moved on though and I most likely won't move on for a long time because of the accumulated damage and pain that's collected from all these experiences over time. So until that day comes, I have to just live with it. Can't turn it off on command but that doesn't mean I will quit. I know I have to keep going. But, that pain will be there.

 

I am still firm on my decision to not reach out. I did reach out to her back in October to clear the air and let her know that there were no hard feelings on my end. I wanted to leave that door open but she dropped a bomb on me that she had promised him not to have contact with me. That was when I told myself, no matter what, never again will I reach out. It's on her to establish connection again because she chose this result. There is no way for me to return. She severed ties.

 

As or me being the one who ended it. It was out of lack of choice..being forced into it. What do you do when you see someone you care for falling apart over the fact that things didn't work out for them and their ex. I saw her expressions. Her eyes had so much pain in it. I could see her lying to herself. Trying so hard to act like there was no pain. When a person starts telling you they cry when their alone because of it and brings up their anniversary, his birthday. And finally arrives to a point where they would prefer to not talk to you about what's going on with them even though it's impacting the relationship and they aren't concerned one bit..something is terribly wrong there. Broke me to watch her try so hard to be with me when I knew she wanted to be back with him and it hurt worse knowing I lost someone previous to this situation not too long ago and now I lost her too. I didn't want to lose her. I wanted us to continue but what future was there for us with this looming over our heads? So even though I ended it, it wasn't because I stopped loving her. I ended it because she didn't stop loving her ex. In the end, I lost and it was extremely exhausting.

 

I am only at about 60%. There is an emptiness that'll be there or a long time.

Edited by Beachead
Posted (edited)
I've moved passed it. I haven't moved on though and I most likely won't move on for a long time because of the accumulated damage and pain that's collected from all these experiences over time. So until that day comes, I have to just live with it and I've made my peace with it. Can't turn it off on command but doesn't mean I lie in my bed and suffer. Life goes on and I continue on even though it hurts.

 

 

Well this is very good. You've made peace with your life in at least some capacity and that takes guts. Believe me I've experienced pain time and time again as well. Nothing as bad as what took place earlier this year, but many occasions of heartbreak. With me it's rather hard to make peace with my life these days bc I'm basically miserable and depressed any weekend I don't have something going on. Just like before I met her. I don't think you're like that. But I am at least well aware of one part like you are, that I may not ever be truly healed until I find someone special again someday that made me feel the way I did when I was with her. So in a way it's at least a form of acceptance for me and I suppose that is good. Only problem with this mindset is I know that finding someone worthwhile again may take a very and I do mean very long time.

 

With regards to you ending things with this woman, you were 100% right to do so of course. I forgot you reached back out to try and be peaceful, and that's great you did, bc now at least you're able to look back on that in your healing process and not have any what if's. As you may recall, I don't have that clear of a mindset when looking back, and it effects me sometimes. So I guess my overall point in this particular post is, try and be happy with what you DID come out of all of this with.

 

I truly hope you can be strong and continue to "fight through" until a day comes where you get the beautiful woman you deserve. Just know I'm in the same exact boat, and am actually several years older than you (33).

Edited by Mac0908
Posted (edited)
Well this is very good. You've made peace with your life in at least some capacity and that takes guts. Believe me I've experienced pain time and time again as well. Nothing as bad as what took place earlier this year, but many occasions of heartbreak. With me it's rather hard to make peace with my life these days bc I'm basically miserable and depressed any weekend I don't have something going on. Just like before I met her. I don't think you're like that. But I am at least well aware of one part like you are, that I may not ever be truly healed until I find someone special again someday that made me feel the way I did when I was with her. So in a way it's at least a form of acceptance for me and I suppose that is good. Only problem with this mindset is I know that finding someone worthwhile again may take a very and I do mean very long time.

 

With regards to you ending things with this woman, you were 100% right to do so of course. I forgot you reached back out to try and be peaceful, and that's great you did, bc now at least you're able to look back on that in your healing process and not have any what if's. As you may recall, I don't have that clear of a mindset when looking back, and it effects me sometimes. So I guess my overall point in this particular post is, try and be happy with what you DID come out of all of this with.

 

I truly hope you can be strong and continue to "fight through" until a day comes where you get the beautiful woman you deserve. Just know I'm in the same exact boat, and am actually several years older than you (33).

 

I appreciate that man. I hope the same for you. I did what I did because I fortunately had the forsight to know I would regret it if I didn't. That regret would have left me stuck and miserable. Needed to take the "What if" out of the equation. And that's why I understood why you were considering reaching out to your ex. Whenever you get those weak moments on the weekends, just reach out on here and share it. Eventually, I know there will come a time when you won't need to anymore. You can always send me a PM on here if you ever need someone to talk to. I have a feeling I may always come back here just to make sure people are getting the help they need.

 

I forgot to respond to your initial question before. I don't know for sure if my ex is still with him but according to FB they are. I don't know anything else since I have blocked her in instagram, unfriended her on FB and deleted her number. She has ways to contact me but I will never contact her.

 

Like you said, for us, now in our thirties, it is difficult to cope with. Felt like life finally gave us that break we were hoping for and then took it away. And there's that thought in the back of our mind that time is passing by and the question of will we end up actually meeting anyone at all?

 

For me, I took another route. I don't have control over whether I find a partner. Too many variables. So I have convinced myself, there won't be any partner in my lifetime. It's over for me. And I know it's choice but as a result, everything I end up doing now has no ties to the hopes of being with anyone..and that stops me from searching/hoping. Makes it easier.

Edited by Beachead
Posted (edited)

Sorry to jump in, but I think Mac is missing the point when he claims he will only be fully healed when he experiences the same level of instant attraction, chemistry and infatuation he once had with his rebound ex.

 

You most likely won't. In fact, I would guess most people go through their lives without experiencing this instant burning and consuming passion and attraction 'love at first sight' for someone for one reason: it was artificial. Because you were a rebound.

 

Her 'feelings' for you were not based on your relationship with her, but a result of her conflicted emotional state at the time. She was desperate to fill a huge void and as soon as she found someone who could fill it, she went for it with all her strength.

 

She combined a new relationship and all the passion involved with the 'new' along with all the projected (and potentially unmet) feelings from the previous unhealed relationship and boom! There you have it. That's why it burns so fast and when it ends, there's nothing left. When they realise what they're feeling is mostly fake, they back off and end it. They might be still confused in the following days or weeks but soon enough they will realise they were just filling a void. Normal relationships are not like that, at least the majority of them.

 

If you keep this agenda that your thing with her was not actually a textbook rebound (all situations are different anyway, even if slightly) and there were just true feelings involved, you're just setting yourself up for failure. If you keep looking for the same level of instant chemistry and passion, you might as well never find it. If you think she might be still thinking of you or of getting back to you, you might as well be very disappointed again. She probably just feels guilty and/or ashamed of having used you as an emotional crutch. For that reason, she might leave it and try to ignore the situation all in itself and try to avoid you at all costs.

 

I'm happy to hear your thoughts about it too. I don't own the truth, but I was a rebound myself and read quite a few cases that are all too similar to ignore. Including the fact that the dumper almost never reaches out again or tries to reconcile in rebound relationships. If they do, it's mostly out of guilt, just to make sure you're not depressed because of them, which probably just makes it worse.

 

In lots of those cases, the rebound thinks for a while that his/her case was different. It most likely was not. A large portion of the feelings she was expressing towards you were not meant to you but to her ex. Accepting that is key for your healing in my opinion.

 

My view is that it would do you much better to just accept that and move on to try to find someone in a stable emotional state to have a relationship with, without expecting the same levels of infatuation you experienced with your ex. Then you'll see that things will be more normal and stable, and not this 2 months roller-coaster that you have experienced. And that it's not a bad thing to be like that at all.

 

I apologise if I sound a bit rough but I think it will do you good to accept this was just a fling and not at all that meaningful in the large scheme of your life. Keep healing and try to address some of the issues you've been talking about. The emptiness you feel when you're alone. The codependency. The anxious attachment style. These will do you good and will prepare to have a healthy relatonship later on. Sending you good vibes to achieve that.

Edited by Morello
Posted (edited)
Sorry to jump in, but I think Mac is missing the point when he claims he will only be fully healed when he experiences the same level of instant attraction, chemistry and infatuation he once had with his rebound ex.

 

You most likely won't. In fact, I would guess most people go through their lives without experiencing this instant burning and consuming passion and attraction 'love at first sight' for someone for one reason: it was artificial. Because you were a rebound.

 

Her 'feelings' for you were not based on your relationship with her, but a result of her conflicted emotional state at the time. She was desperate to fill a huge void and as soon as she found someone who could fill it, she went for it with all her strength.

 

From her perspective, you add a new relationship and all the passion involved with the 'new' with all the projected (and potentially unmet) feelings from the previous unhealed relationship and boom! There you have it. That's why it burns so fast and when it ends, there's nothing left. When they realise what they're feeling is mostly fake, they back off and end it. They might be still confused in the following days or weeks but soon enough they will realise they were just filling a void. Normal relationships are not like that, at least the majority of them.

 

If you keep this agenda that your thing with her was not actually a textbook rebound (all situations are different anyway, even if slightly) and there were just true feelings involved, you're just setting yourself up for failure. If you keep looking for the same level of instant chemistry and passion, you might as well never find it. If you think she might be still thinking of you or of getting back to you, you might as well be very disappointed again. She probably just feels guilty and/or ashamed of having used you as an emotional crutch. For that reason, she might leave it and try to ignore the situation all in itself and try to avoid you at all costs.

 

I'm happy to hear your thoughts about it too. I don't own the truth, but I was a rebound myself and read quite a few cases that are all too similar to ignore. Including the fact that the dumper almost never reaches out again or tries to reconcile in rebound relationships.

 

In lots of those cases, the rebound thinks for a while that his/her case was different. It most likely was not. A large portion of the feelings she was expressing towards you were not meant to you but to her ex. Accepting that is key for your healing in my opinion.

 

My view is that it would do you much better to just accept that and move on to try to find someone in a stable emotional state to have a relationship with, without expecting the same levels of infatuation you experienced with your ex. Then you'll see that things will be more normal and stable, and not this 2 months roller-coaster that you have experienced. And that it's not a bad thing to be like that at all.

 

I'm glad you posted that because I know it for my situation and lately I've been forgetting it. But hearing it again, so bluntly, helps. It's just a matter of letting the time prove it as well as help me let go of it now.

Edited by Beachead
Posted (edited)

Same here, buddy. My break up was 6 months ago, so now I can see it clearly that it wasn't meant to be. I was used as a rebound but I'm not a victim because I let it happen. I saw red flags and decided to ignore them because I was just feeling good. I have to accept my shortcomings to be able to act on them.

 

Also, 33 years of age is too young to be filling like it's over. But if we keep feeling that way and don't work on improving our mental health and emotional strength, it most likely will be. I'm kind of guilty of that too, but I can say I'm working on it.

 

The feeling that life is unfair and 'why can't I be happy with someone', playing the victim is not gonna get us anywhere. We need to take action and improve ourselves. We all deserve to love and be loved but it's not gonna happen if we keep thinking we're doing everything right and life is messing up with us.

 

If we're failing (including ignoring all the red flags from a rebound just to get our fix) we need to go out there and fix it so we know better next time.

 

Sending you all good vibes to achieve that.

Edited by Morello
Posted (edited)
Sorry to jump in, but I think Mac is missing the point when he claims he will only be fully healed when he experiences the same level of instant attraction, chemistry and infatuation he once had with his rebound ex.

 

You most likely won't. In fact, I would guess most people go through their lives without experiencing this instant burning and consuming passion and attraction 'love at first sight' for someone for one reason: it was artificial. Because you were a rebound.

 

Her 'feelings' for you were not based on your relationship with her, but a result of her conflicted emotional state at the time. She was desperate to fill a huge void and as soon as she found someone who could fill it, she went for it with all her strength.

 

She combined a new relationship and all the passion involved with the 'new' along with all the projected (and potentially unmet) feelings from the previous unhealed relationship and boom! There you have it. That's why it burns so fast and when it ends, there's nothing left. When they realise what they're feeling is mostly fake, they back off and end it. They might be still confused in the following days or weeks but soon enough they will realise they were just filling a void. Normal relationships are not like that, at least the majority of them.

 

If you keep this agenda that your thing with her was not actually a textbook rebound (all situations are different anyway, even if slightly) and there were just true feelings involved, you're just setting yourself up for failure. If you keep looking for the same level of instant chemistry and passion, you might as well never find it. If you think she might be still thinking of you or of getting back to you, you might as well be very disappointed again. She probably just feels guilty and/or ashamed of having used you as an emotional crutch. For that reason, she might leave it and try to ignore the situation all in itself and try to avoid you at all costs.

 

I'm happy to hear your thoughts about it too. I don't own the truth, but I was a rebound myself and read quite a few cases that are all too similar to ignore. Including the fact that the dumper almost never reaches out again or tries to reconcile in rebound relationships. If they do, it's mostly out of guilt, just to make sure you're not depressed because of them, which probably just makes it worse.

 

In lots of those cases, the rebound thinks for a while that his/her case was different. It most likely was not. A large portion of the feelings she was expressing towards you were not meant to you but to her ex. Accepting that is key for your healing in my opinion.

 

My view is that it would do you much better to just accept that and move on to try to find someone in a stable emotional state to have a relationship with, without expecting the same levels of infatuation you experienced with your ex. Then you'll see that things will be more normal and stable, and not this 2 months roller-coaster that you have experienced. And that it's not a bad thing to be like that at all.

 

I apologise if I sound a bit rough but I think it will do you good to accept this was just a fling and not at all that meaningful in the large scheme of your life. Keep healing and try to address some of the issues you've been talking about. The emptiness you feel when you're alone. The codependency. The anxious attachment style. These will do you good and will prepare to have a healthy relatonship later on. Sending you good vibes to achieve that.

 

First, never did I ever claim that I won't be fully healed until I find someone where there is the "instant" attraction/infatuation. I know that is an insanely rare situation that may never happen again. I stated that I may not be fully healed until I simply find someone special again, whether that means it feels special quickly or whether it builds over time.

 

That all being said, in my opinion, contrary to what you may think, I'm not in any form of real denial. Was I a rebound? Yes, to a degree, absolutely 100%. But I stick to my word about how I wasn't exactly a textbook rebound. You can cringe over this or even laugh, but the reality is you weren't present for those two months. You didn't see all of our interactions. You didn't see all of our conversations. All of our flirtation. You didn't see the tears in her eyes when she came back to me saying she thinks she made a mistake. As a 33 year old adult who's seen and been through it all with women, I can tell you there were legitimate feelings there, at least on some level, on her end, without a question inside of my mind. Had she never came back to me I still would have felt this, but to a much smaller degree. I mean for her to have the guts to return the very next DAY after devastating me the way she did, I think thats at least some form of small evidence that she truly felt something for me, even though I know, we never ended up back together and she just kind of wanted to keep me on the back burner. But when there is a long term ex in the picture, it was a battle I couldn't win. Maybe she was still just "confused" as you alluded to. We may never know. But its unfair to say that ALL of her actions were fake and/or a result of confusion. She was wrong for allowing this to go as far as it did when she wasn't over this guy, and it blew up in her face terribly, and the only person that truly suffered was me.

 

She even admitted it to me when she came back, about how she simply went on the dating site to get back out there/get over him and then it all ended up being a shock about how much she began liking me. I still agree that some of her actions were done to just fill a void, but the key word is some, in the early stages. The first couple of weeks. I knew right on that 4th date when she agreed to sleep over my place at the drop of a that that something seemed suspect. Just like I knew her wearing lingerie on the 5th date seemed too good to be true and a little odd. Conflicted emotional state is absolutely accurate in the early stages of what was going on. But I can tell you, from in my heart, as an adult, that eventually there was something there on her end. Was it as strong as I felt for her? Not even close. But eventually there was something there.

 

She ultimately didn't come back bc of a mixture of several reasons, one being the obvious that she simply didn't like me enough, the other being the fact that I somewhat foolishly made myself too available and at the same time put a good amount of pressure on her to make a decision. I made the entire situation uncomfortable and pushed her away. It's easy to look back now and see how "wrong" I handled it all, but this was just a completely messed up situation that I had never experienced before. At the time I was just too upset with her and too emotional, and justifiably so in my opinion. I mean this wasn't a blowoff after 2 weeks. It was after 2 months on the day where we had a party planned that night that she had been talking up just the day before. It was bad. I'm not sitting here crying about it all, but it's hard to sit back and wonder sometimes, what if I just backed away and said give me a call when all this drama is over. But yeah it's just hard at 33 to completely move on after feeling something so strong for someone and that 10% of me still holds out some form of hope that she'll reach out one day when this all fades away in her mind, but I know that's probably very unlikely. It's just about 2 months no contact now. If it takes me 4 months or even 6 months to completely lose all hope then that's just part of the process for me. In the meantime I continue to push forward as hard as I can and come here to talk/vent when times get tough.

Edited by Mac0908
Posted
It's been a rough 2 days for me. Unwanted thoughts. I rationalize them away but today I just feel like I need to let them in and simmer. Need to just let loose.

 

It's been a hard lesson to learn, but it's the up and down nature of break ups. I feel good one minute, terrible the next. Used to think there was something wrong with that, or that it meant i obviously wasn't coping... I think it's pretty normal

 

Went out with friends last night for a meal. Thought it was just the guys meeting up. So when everyone turned up with their partners, it was a reminder that i am very much on my own these days.

 

Luckily it didn't get me too down. But it definitely made me think of her a lot. Part of me wished that she had been there with me. But it was okay. Leaving on my own was possibly the worst part. Everyone else getting in there cars together, me getting in the car... to go home, alone!

 

Still could worse, one friend couldn't make it. He "wasn't allowed out" Lol Which made me think just how important it is to not be with the wrong person. Suddenly i felt quite lucky! They have commitments now, so he isn't getting rid of her anytime soon(Poor bugger)

 

How am i doing? Still here. More down than i was, but overall okay. I know that i need to move on. Been thinking about it more and more. I don't want to be a person that doesn't. It's easier said than done. I have zero clue as to how i go about doing it. But it's something that i know now i need to do.

Posted

I burned everything I had left that was associated with my ex in my fireplace. I'm sure my neighbors found it a little odd to see smoke coming from my chimney when it's 70 degrees outside, but it was totally worth it. It felt good to do that and I have no regrets about it.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

So after nearly 8 months after my breakup... I caught wind from a friend that my ex is getting married this summer.

 

But no matter how much I prepared for it.. I'm shaking and it feels like I'm going through Day 1 all over again. It's amazing how no amount of preparation for it could get me ready.

 

The "I love you's. The sweet words." Don't be stupid and jump into their arms just because they say all the right things folks. It's all in the actions. Make them earn the privilege of who you are. There's only few times we can go through such pain in our life. Make sure it's for the ones who deserve it.

 

We'll see how I come back from this.

Edited by Beachead
  • Like 1
Posted
So after nearly 8 months after my breakup and being a rebound.. I caught wind from a friend that my ex is getting married this summer. Anyone who's followed my situation knows I was calling it.

 

But no matter how much I prepared for it.. I'm shaking and it feels like I'm going through Day 1 all over again. It's amazing how no amount of preparation for it could get me ready.

 

This is what someone who's remaining hope being destroyed sounds like.

 

We'll see how I come back from this.

 

That's rough beach. Feel for you. It's must be very shocking. Just allow yourself to feel and do whatever you want. There is no right, or wrong. Be kind to yourself.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

 

The "I love you's. The sweet words." Don't be stupid and jump into their arms just because they say all the right things folks. It's all in the actions. Make them earn the privilege of who you are. There's only few times we can go through such pain in our life. Make sure it's for the ones who deserve it.

 

We'll see how I come back from this.

 

But she DID show you actions. She DID do things for you. She even Love bombed you. I remember your story well. Don't try and blame yourself at all here. She was 100% wrong for going as far as she did. 100%. Unfortunately you were still the victim and it was a devastating thing to go through but you've become better for it. You've helped people including and especially myself on these forums, man. Even though you knew of the entire ex situation from the start you still were very cautious and that shows you're smart. You were trying to protect your heart the best you could but at the same time it was OK to go and see as SHE made it ok. She didn't push you away. She WELCOMED you in many ways. Perhaps it could have worked out. If you just told her no, then who knows, maybe you'd always be hurting knowing that you never gave it a shot.

 

In any event, your heart and brain were telling you two different things and eventually you listened to the right one. Sure a LOT happened in the short timespan you were with this woman but just imagine if it dragged on for 6 months or even longer before she started acting suspicious. Be happy it was just a few months. That's one of the MANY ways I look at my situation. I thank God it didn't even continue on for one more WEEK. It still stings of course. We were both still hurt of course. But I guess my point is the pain COULD be even worse. Our experiences were eerily similar as you know. Healing must be done, and I think you've done a good job at it.

 

Don't let yourself "Come back from this". You knew they were together. You knew this was very possible. What you NEED to do is continue pushing forward knowing she was wrong. It's still ok to be sad and scream into your pillow if you need to for a few days. I myself just had a little bit of a mental slip up last night and its been 2 months NC. It happens. Its part of being hurt numerous times in life. This wasn't one incident for you, I know. Just know that she did have real feelings for you but unfortunately the timing and other factors prevented them from becoming something bigger. Deep down, somewhere in your mind and heart, you, like me too, knows you're better off without someone that would put you through what she put you through.

 

But if you needed this to happen to wash away all hope, then so be it. Maybe it was just one last layer of the healing process. I'll openly admit that I still have a very small % of hope somewhere in the back of my mind that probably won't be totally washed away for a while. But for now, be strong. Be smart. And remember one thing about life that I'm sure you've realized after all your other heartbreaks... It goes on.

Edited by Mac0908
  • Like 1
Posted
So after nearly 8 months after my breakup... I caught wind from a friend that my ex is getting married this summer.

 

But no matter how much I prepared for it.. I'm shaking and it feels like I'm going through Day 1 all over again. It's amazing how no amount of preparation for it could get me ready.

 

 

So sorry for your pain.

Don't know what to say...just I feel you and totally understand your shock.

  • 1 month later...
Posted

@beachead, you end up pulling through ok?

Posted

It's a gamble getting close to someone

Posted

Every night for the past week I’ve dreamt about my exes. The ones that hurt me the most in the last 10 years anyway. So, three of them. At first it started as just the most recent one, then the other two were brought in. I’ve noticed that my dreams about each individual one reflect their treatment of me IRL from the past. Immediately after I wake up I feel all the emotions I felt during the worst times of those RS’s all over again. The loneliness, the questioning of my worth, the confusion, the pain, the anger, the betrayal. It reminds me of how weak I had been in the past to allow people to treat me badly for as long as I did. When I wake up, I feel like that weak person again. Thankfully it eventually does pass during the day, but it’s still terrible being brought back to those awful moments of my past.

 

The dreams have gotten progressively worse. I’ve noticed that while all of the worst offenders make an appearance, every night seems to showcase a different one. Last night it was the guy I had been with for 7 years. We broke up finally a couple years ago. I am totally over him and when I think about our time together I don’t feel pain anymore. Consciously anyway apparently. Last night it brought back every negative painful feeling I had back then. I believe that these dreams may be my subconscious trying to deal with all the negative emotions I’ve associated with RS’s from past experiences in general instead of as a real time reflection of what I actually feel for these men now. I believe the exes in my dreams are just used as symbols for certain feelings because each of them had a different flavour of crappy IRL.

 

It’s just so weird. In the past I rarely ever dreamt of exes. Hell, I rarely ever even dreamt of them when we were together either so I find it really odd that all of a sudden I’m being bombarded with dreams of all of them at once. I wonder what’s going on in my mind under the surface to bring all this on. I need to figure out my unresolved issues and emotions and try to resolve them before this catapults me deeper into a depression. Ugh, I just want to be happy again!

 

Anyway, besides all that, I’m doing ok. I’m slowly starting to revive my social life from the hibernation I put it in since my most recent ex left. I don’t cry every day anymore and I’m slowly starting to joke and laugh more like I used to before him. I’m slowly getting back to normal. I haven’t made as much progress as I had hoped to by now, but progress is progress nonetheless and that gives me hope.

Posted (edited)
@beachead, you end up pulling through ok?

 

Doing well man, thank you.

 

I was out of it for 2-3 weeks after the news. Had to lighten my schedule up to give myself some leeway to grieve. Cried, had chest pains, bad dreams in the night, flashbacks during the day etc. It was terrible. But the good part was I knew to just ride the wave out. Learning of her getting married really just made letting go easier. I'll always remember and the scars will be there but I'm back now. Our ability to bounce back from setbacks add up to making a big difference in our future. Worst thing for me is to look back 3 years from now and realize I'm the same exact person with the same problems. So the goal is to keep at my goals and build a better life after this mess. The next person I end up with will be with a different guy.

 

How have you been coping?

 

Also, it's good to see Loveshack is up and running again.

Edited by Beachead
Posted

I’ve been doing ok. I’m pretty sure I’ve fully recovered. My last ex I didn’t hurt over all that much. I mean I grieved, but I was able to get over him more easily. Perhaps it was because I made the choice to leave and not go back. I mean how could I go back to someone who cheated again and again right in front of me, who was an alcoholic....said he was going to quit time and time again, but never did....it came to the point where the booze was more important to him than I was, someone who got into these raging fits and became controlling and verbally abusive. I couldn’t go back to that. Even though I loved and cared about him deeply....those things made it easier to walk away from.

 

It’s the ex before him that still gets me. I mean I know it’s over and I’ve accepted that. It’s been theee years since I’ve seen, heard from or spoken to him. I know we will never get back together. I took the breakup really hard though. Took me forever to get over him....maybe I’m still getting over him. I guess it hit me so hard because I had no closure. The last time we were together it was just as special as always. It was a Saturday night and we had dinner like we always did, watched a movie, played a game of scrabble and went to bed. Sunday morning he kissed me goodbye like he always did and told me he’d see me later and that he loved me just as he always did. That was the last I heard from him. He just vanished. No warning, no it’s over, no reason...nothing. My texts and calls went unanswered and I finally realized that he was gone for good. That hurt stayed with me for a long long time. The memories of our time together still haunt me. I still have vivid dreams about him. I know he’s moved on. I’m still trying to make my way. I am a lot better now than I was, but that lack of closure really got to me and made the pain linger longer than it should have.

 

I have since made the decision not to date anymore. Not only because I fear another broken heart, but because I have lost the desire to seek a partner. The excitement I once had to go on dates has turned to dread. I’m tired...I’m done....I’ve given up. Back in December I took down my online dating profile. I haven’t dated since and I feel so much happier. It’s as if a weight has been lifted off of me. I feel free. I’ve finally given up on my long time dream of marriage and kids. At 35 years old I’ve finally accepted it. I’ve learned that I don’t need someone in my life to be happy. I still have moments of sadness of course. Especially when I see happy couples together. My 23 year old co-worker is busy planning her wedding. She has her whole life planned out right down to knowing she wants 4 kids and wants to start having them soon after marriage. She’s marrying her best friend....someone she met right out of high school. She’s never been with anyone else and they are each other’s firsts. I sometimes wonder how my life would have been had that been me? But it’s not.....fate and destiny had other plans whatever that may be.

Posted

How have you been coping?

 

Also, it's good to see Loveshack is up and running again.

 

Very glad to hear you are doing ok after that. I feel like something like that can be more of a quick shock than anything else but then you have to give yourself a good slap in the face and remember just how much progress you made and how you can get past it. Those types of moments happened to me several times.

 

I've been doing VERY well, in a lot of ways. Thinking of doing one big update thread but for the most part I've just been healing well. As far as notable stuff, at the 2 month mark of NC I kid you not just as I was beginning to REALLY forget about her, I noticed she views my online dating profile (Match.com). It was as if the emotional gods somehow told her I'm just about over her so do something to get him thinking about you again.

 

It might sound like nothing to many, but it really shocked me for a little bit. To see how she had the gall and the nerve to click my page knowing I'd see that, to see her back on a dating site after all she put me through(even though I saw her on there already before. Never viewed her myself tho). Her selfishness, this time with curiosity, was obviously still very much there. I won't lie that she re-entered my head after that for another good few weeks before fading out again. Ultimately it just ended up being some nice validation for me knowing that there was at least SOME interest still there on her part so much that she had to click.

 

Then, about a week later I peaked at her Instagram (guilty, I know), and noticed something very interesting. Out of ALL of her photos, the infamous photo of her alone at the museum, the photo that was the topic of our final bitter conversation, was not suspiciously deleted. When I last peaked a month earlier it was still there. My Christmas gift to her of course were 2 tickets to this museum that she had told me, even after she blew me off, that she'd like to go with me sometime. Then when she posted the pic of it, I texted her saying "Wow" in what would begin our final conversation together. Again, I wondered. Was this all a ploy? Was she realizing just how awful the online dating world really is and was just too afraid to reach back out to me so tried anything she could to see if I'd go to her? It really messed with my head again, but I ultimately did nothing.

 

See the bottom line is if she was mature and truly realized what a great guy I was and what a big mistake she made, she would have never gone months without contacting me. If she ever returned now it would just be painfully obvious its bc she has no other options. Her excuse would be well, she thought I hated her and was afraid, but lets be honest a girl will move mountains to get to a guy she likes a lot. She didn't like me enough after ALL I did for her even in the short time we dated. I want a girl who does in fact like me a lot and makes me her first option.

Posted

Well I haven't posted on here in ages. Im a week out from a year since my fiancee dumped me. Im in a much better place, I'm in great shape, I'm almost done school, Im enjoying living on my own, Ive been dating an incredible woman and I can say that I've moved on. I think I still have some scars that show through once and a while but Im trying my best to understand and deal with them.

 

In my exes true fashion, she decided to reach out right when I was feeling my best, I almost expected it. She needed some of her stuff thats been collecting dust in my parents garage and then of course had to ask me how I am. It was a bit awkward actually she said she "had been talking with friends recently and my girlfriend looks sweet." It was bizarre and I don't quite understand why she had to bring that up right off the hop.. why not wait until I answer with how Ive been? not only that, but she's still dating the person she left me for so do you expect me to ask how thats been going???? just weird stuff. I told her I had no interest in having the conversation and that if she wanted her stuff back that was fine but I didn't care to discuss anything else. She responded with a "its a shame you cant have a friendly conversation". I think since she left me for someone else, Im the one who gets to decide when Im ready for a friendly conversation. I just didn't bother responding.

 

People do strange things sometimes, it never ceases to amaze me.

Posted
Well I haven't posted on here in ages. Im a week out from a year since my fiancee dumped me. Im in a much better place, I'm in great shape, I'm almost done school, Im enjoying living on my own, Ive been dating an incredible woman and I can say that I've moved on. I think I still have some scars that show through once and a while but Im trying my best to understand and deal with them.

 

In my exes true fashion, she decided to reach out right when I was feeling my best, I almost expected it. She needed some of her stuff thats been collecting dust in my parents garage and then of course had to ask me how I am. It was a bit awkward actually she said she "had been talking with friends recently and my girlfriend looks sweet." It was bizarre and I don't quite understand why she had to bring that up right off the hop.. why not wait until I answer with how Ive been? not only that, but she's still dating the person she left me for so do you expect me to ask how thats been going???? just weird stuff. I told her I had no interest in having the conversation and that if she wanted her stuff back that was fine but I didn't care to discuss anything else. She responded with a "its a shame you cant have a friendly conversation". I think since she left me for someone else, Im the one who gets to decide when Im ready for a friendly conversation. I just didn't bother responding.

 

People do strange things sometimes, it never ceases to amaze me.

 

I'm curious did you and this new woman post a photo on social media together? Or do you have a mutual friend with your ex where any info about the new girl could have gotten back to her?

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