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Posted

I feel horrible. It makes me really upset thinking my ex used me as a rebound. How can someone use someone to that degree for five months? Then to just completely switch and dump me with lies and still have the audacity to tell me he loves me and likes me a lot. He got a new girlfriend that next month and erased me from his life. We haven’t spoken but he still watches my Snapchats after I deleted him. Is his new gf a rebound too? It was so fast. Is he serious about her? This has me crushed. It kills me every day. I know he has a big ego and is very selfish. He likes to brag about what he’s accomplished or loves telling stories about it or people he knows. :( maybe I just wasn’t good enough anymore and he wanted someone smarter. She’s in medical school and I am an accountant.

Posted

Im so damn mad at her. She was a crappy girlfriend. She was a bi+ch to me at times. In the end, her reasons didn't align with the truth. I wasted 2 years of my life with her and now I feel like she's ruined other women for me. I don't even know that she's bothered by this. Sadness to anger to depression and a mix of all three. At least it's moving in a direction.

Posted

Some days, I feel good. Like I'm over her, everything's fine, I've moved on, all happy and stuff. And other days, I feel like I'm being kicked in the balls repeatedly. Anxiety, depression, lovesickness, fear, you name it. Some days are just hard, even make me want to die. Of course I'm not going to kill myself, but I'm just envying non-existence sometimes.

Posted (edited)
Who thinks they were screwed over in the past by unrealistic dramas and movies?

 

I grew up as a teenager who watched love stories and fell in love with the thick/thin and drama. My parents had dramatic fights throughout my childhood but stayed together.

 

Not blaming anyone, but that's all I really knew. And I think it twisted my view on love. And today, I don't want to say I lost faith in love. But I should hope I'm not stupid enough - at least my brain/heart should be smart enough to realize that one shouldn't go down the same path twice. Can I love again? Maybe. I want to, but I am also very realistic now. There is love- and there is real life. We are selfish when we are tired.

 

What do I really want from life? I don't really know. Something's gotta give, and we can't have it all.

 

I catch myself sometimes fantasizing that my ex would just simply say "sorry" to me. I don't who was ultimately wrong, but I actually apologized. But he will never do it. And sometimes it's that bit of closure. But we can't hang on and wait for other people to apologize to us. I still need time to forgive, but I will do it - eventually forgive him for me. I have "forgiven" my first ex - all scars will heal. Now when I think about him, I just roll my eyes.

 

All things with time will pass. And we may just blink and say - did that really happen all those years? Really? All the years that were "Stolen" by time and those who didn't deserve us? By our own youths ignorant of the right decision? But they were truths and they will remain truths. We can only move on.

 

I think about similar things sometimes. I used to have this preconceived notion that love and marriage was guaranteed. Not really sure where it came from but I assume it was from what I saw around me and tv/movies/celebrity culture and such. The dark side of it never really occured to me yet I ended up experiencing all of it in some way, shape, or form. I haven't lost faith in love but I've lost faith in love for me.

 

Career, education and anything unrelated to love to me is easy because the formula is straight forward. Stay focused, work hard and keep going. You'll fail but as long as you know how to take a loss, you can get back up, and keep at it.

 

It doesn't work that way with relationships or love. You can't work hard and achieve love. People have free will. It's not just up to just me to make a relationship work. I could possess all attractive qualities a partner desires but it also depends on the other person and on external variables; none of which I have control of but can still make or break the relationship. That risk is no longer worth it for me.

 

But at the end of the day that's what love is. Full-blown risk. If we want to feel something amazing from it, we will have to be willing to surrender ourselves. If people have the emotional strength and stability in life to take that risk on, I will always encourage them to go for it (Unless it is a guaranteed disaster waiting to happen) because even though it could be hell if it fails, it could also feel blissful if it succeeds. And when the risks seem worth it, not taking that risk can leave us wondering what if for the rest of our life..especially if what we've longed for was longterm happiness with another and the potential for it is suddenly made possible.

Edited by Beachead
  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

Today was the first time I truly began to start having the mindset where if she never comes back in some capacity I wouldn't care. I've toyed with the thought in the last week and it's been a pretty serious thought, but today was the first time I really said to myself, I won't care if I never ever hear from her again and MEANT it. While part of me is thrilled with all the progress I've made and that I've come to feel this way, another smaller part of me feels bad.

 

It's as if she's finally fading from my mind, and I almost can't believe it. Finally I'm no longer thinking about her day in and day out, no longer turning to friends for support, no longer trying to analyze the story to figure out what happened and how it happened, no longer feeling tempted to peak at her Instagram page, etc. Now I'm just in a whatever kind of stage that's much closer to acceptance. It's a good thing I know, but I don't think I'll ever truly be fully healed until the day I'm proven wrong about love. Until the day I find someone that I was into as much as I was into her and they feel the same exact way about me.

 

I was hurt in the most severe way I've ever been hurt by someone I felt true strong feelings for, arguably the strongest I had ever felt. I wonder if others on here feel the same way. Where 100% healed doesn't come until you get that part of your heart repaired that your ex seriously damaged.

Edited by Mac0908
Posted
It's a good thing I know, but I don't think I'll ever truly be fully healed until the day I'm proven wrong about love. Until the day I find someone that I was into as much as I was into her and they feel the same exact way about me.

 

I was hurt in the most severe way I've ever been hurt by someone I felt true strong feelings for, arguably the strongest I had ever felt. I wonder if others on here feel the same way. Where 100% healed doesn't come until you get that part of your heart repaired that your ex seriously damaged.

 

I feel the same. Although I know I played a part in my demise, I’ve never felt more strongly about someone. It’s terrifying that it could never happen again, the mutual love and attraction. The sex. The uniqueness of someone. ****!

Posted

It's mad. I remember I couldn't go a day without posting here, or feeling some deep emotional pain. Now I barely think about her and when I do I don't really feel anything, tbh.

 

I feel a lot more confident about myself, I have my eating under control, I'm making friends at uni, things are going well. I feel ready to date but I'm still gonna take a break for a while... wow. I really never thought I would get here.

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Posted

It's so f***ing hard watching friends dating and getting into relationships when I'm still so heartbroken. And they've never been in a relationship before and have no idea how difficult it is for me, no empathy. Heartbreak is a lonely feeling.

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Posted

☹️

 

..........

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Posted (edited)

You have to go through the hurt. Feel it. Not brush it aside. It may take days and come and go. But acknowledge it.

 

And also accept what has happened and what is.

Edited by MeadowFlower
  • Like 2
Posted

At some point you don't count the days of no contact. In first few months, it felt like an accomplishment, but I always had some urge to text him.

 

Sometimes there is a stupid impulse to tell him something - because after all I was doing it for a year, but it fades, fades, fades, and to be honest, he really is NOT a part of my life anymore. Yes I still think about him - not in fond terms or anything to be honest, but I'm sure that will pass with time too - whether I meet someone or not.

 

At some point, I think I realized I will never speak to him again. And then it doesn't matter how long since we last spoke, etc. I start to just live my own life for me. And he becomes a part of the past. And it helps we don't have mutual friends. He really just disappears even though we still live in the same city.

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Posted

Feel like i am giving her emotional support.... I have been "no contact" for several months, in the sense that i WILL NOT contact her unless she contacts me first, and when i reply i generally reply with indifference.

 

Its usually any time between 2-3 weeks between her contacting me. but this last 1-2 weeks the contact has increased, which is down to her realizing i no longer care.

She contacted me a few days ago, and seems she has been unwell, asked how i have been and said she miss's me... First time since the break up she has said she missed me, i told her i missed her too. She also asked if i was seeing anyone.

 

Anyway, i now think "she has got her fix" and she feels better, so will i not hear from her again until she feels a bit low again... I think soon i am not going to bother to reply at all, i told her i dont want to be friends weeks ago.

Posted (edited)
It's mad. I remember I couldn't go a day without posting here, or feeling some deep emotional pain. Now I barely think about her and when I do I don't really feel anything, tbh.

 

I feel a lot more confident about myself, I have my eating under control, I'm making friends at uni, things are going well. I feel ready to date but I'm still gonna take a break for a while... wow. I really never thought I would get here.

 

Pretty cool eh? And now you'll carry all the wisdom you've gained and will continue to gain, with you into future experiences. Should this ever happen again, yes you'll feel like crap. Yes there will be pain. But you'll know what to do because you'll have a better understanding of yourself. Plus, there's the added bonus of knowing if you did it once, you can do it again.

 

There's a lot of merit in learning how to handle our adversity. We become better for it. Better for ourself, and for the people we care about.

 

Awesome Clist8511

Edited by Beachead
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Posted

What I did wrong? I listened to other people's opinions too much. I acted different than who I am. Maybe "just be yourself" is not a meme, we need to do that for our own sakes. I'd feel hell of a lot better if I knew I lost her because I was being me.

 

On the flipside, had I not listened to them, I wouldn't be able to stand up to her attempts of manipulation and I'd just be an orbiter. I gambled, if she were to come back I'd know she felt something for me. And if she didn't, I'd knew she felt nothing. She didn't, and avoids me at all costs. This is good for my NC. I don't even want her anymore unless she decides to throw herself at me, I'm just dealing with the aftermath and the older wounds she reopened. I'm guilty too, I'm always attracted to the unattainable and I run away from girls who I feel safe with. I'm like the male version of the girls who chase "bad boys" only to be miserable. Funny ain't it?

Posted

Its was four months since the split a couple of days ago. Tough day... tough few months in truth.

 

The urge to reach out is there. I do want answers. I still feel like i'm very much in limbo. Not quite over it, but also not interested in turning the clock back.

 

I honestly expected to myself to be sat around feeling sorry for myself. I'm glad i haven't done that. I've gone for it. Would love to say getting out of the comfort zone and getting back out has "been amazing", "Its awesome", "Everyone should do it" Truth is, It sucks. It's a horrible feeling doing it.

 

Personal growth... Doesn't feel great. But it is worth it. It's a blessing learning that you're stronger than you thought. That being frightened and nervous doesn't mean you won't succeed.

 

No matter what i do or try, i suffer from low moods atm(Depression). I struggle to appreciate the good things that has happened in my life since the break up. I should be very proud and excited about things. But i'm not, which is really hard. It's a massive problem for me.

Posted (edited)
Its was four months since the split a couple of days ago. Tough day... tough few months in truth.

 

The urge to reach out is there. I do want answers. I still feel like i'm very much in limbo. Not quite over it, but also not interested in turning the clock back.

 

I honestly expected to myself to be sat around feeling sorry for myself. I'm glad i haven't done that. I've gone for it. Would love to say getting out of the comfort zone and getting back out has "been amazing", "Its awesome", "Everyone should do it" Truth is, It sucks. It's a horrible feeling doing it.

 

Personal growth... Doesn't feel great. But it is worth it. It's a blessing learning that you're stronger than you thought. That being frightened and nervous doesn't mean you won't succeed.

 

No matter what i do or try, i suffer from low moods atm(Depression). I struggle to appreciate the good things that has happened in my life since the break up. I should be very proud and excited about things. But i'm not, which is really hard. It's a massive problem for me.

 

That's a good start. Not wanting to turn the clock back.

 

When we are used to a particular way of thinking, it's because our brains have neurochemically built a pathway that makes thinking in that way easy and highly accessible. So, we just naturally slip into that thought pattern without having to go out of our way to think about it. Those pathways are what makes us want to go back to things that hurt us or make us continue to engage in harmful behavior or actions. Habits as we call it. What we have to do is rewire those pathways with new ways to think.

 

So in regards to the depression, ask yourself, what and who in your life truly keeps you going during this low time? Even if the answers aren't ideal. Be truly honest with yourself. I would write it in a journal entry everyday and I would be real specific about what they are. Maybe just list 1 or 2 things you are grateful for. You can even stick it on the ceiling in your room over your bed or some place visible in your house. Maybe at work even. So that everyday you wake up you see it or you pass it by and see it. It will help you focus. Help you remind yourself when you fall back on certain thoughts.

 

For me, it was teaching piano and my immediate family.

Edited by Beachead
Posted

Maybe go see your doctor - you may need anti depressants if it goes on for longer. Or it's just an adjustment disorder, but if it's for ++++ long, then you should do something about it.

 

All the anxiety etc should fade away with time. I called some help line thing to talk with people and I called my family a lot. Now I'm okay. There is nothing in life that we can't get over. A stupid ex is definitely something that shouldn't hinder us from being functional. Sure there is no one great right now - it's okay, we move on. I am glad I am not with that worthless p.o.s.

Posted

It comes in waves tbh. The low moods at the beginning were crippling. Really felt at times i wouldn't make it. I'd cry all day, full asleep utterly broken. Then wake up the following day feeling the exact same. Sleep was the only enjoyment i had for a while. It was all i looked forward to.

 

Felt some what better a month or so ago. No back to myself(But had some moments of enjoyment). But i didn't have that desperate "I'm not going to make it" feeling anymore.

 

Atm i just feel... Hurt. Probably just hurting a lot. I think that the shock of what's happened has wore off. Things are revealing themselves. It's not

physical pain, wish it was. Lol Usually a physical pain is in one place(Headache = head) Every part of me hurts, all over.

 

Just part of the process i guess.

Posted

I’ve been beating myself up for not being a better boyfriend. I’m obsessing constantly and reading relationship forums, listening to audiobooks and podcasts. I cry everyday knowing that I won’t see or touch her again. One thing I haven’t done is break NC. Part of me thinks the reason I haven’t is bc I know that she’ll reject me and I couldn’t take that. Another part of me thinks that it’s bc if I could really have her again, I may not want her. What a paradox! I always had issues with her and that’s what ultimately led to us breaking up. My list of her negatives is long. So why do I hurt so bad? Maybe it’s the loss and the rejection combined. I did REALLY love her, like no other I’d been with.

Posted

Things have been better for the most part. I'm still confused with my emotions, though.

 

On the one hand she wasn't someone I should be with. She couldn't do anything for herself. It was so frustrating making plans and then having her complain the whole time because she had a migraine and didn't bring her medicine. It was so frustrating to listen to her complain about her knee problems when she wouldn't go to the physical therapy appointments I would schedule for her. She forgot everything. She didn't DO anything. She was such a burden most of the time and I was always having to try to fix her life for her. She would ask me for help -- and I was glad to help -- but she wouldn't do any of the things we decided would help.

 

On the other hand I loved her. I miss the closeness, but I feel like that's all I'm missing. The more time goes on the more I realize she didn't add anything to my life other than having someone to confide in and love.

 

I keep beating myself up over my contributions to the breakup. I still feel like it's all my fault at times. I should have been more patient with her and if I had, maybe things would have gotten better. She was always so depressed at school and so happy when she was home. It made me jealous. With the clarity of the breakup, I see now how much she loved me, the way she looked at me. I should have trusted that.

 

It's so confusing trying to balance the logical side of my thoughts (that she wasn't good for me) with the emotional side (that I still loved her). I know that love isn't enough to keep relationships together but sometimes it feels like it should be.

  • Like 1
Posted
It's so confusing trying to balance the logical side of my thoughts (that she wasn't good for me) with the emotional side (that I still loved her)

 

That's exactly where i am stuck right now. I 100% know if we got back together it would end in disaster. I'd end up getting more hurt than i am now. Anyone would be an idiot to do it.

 

Still part of me thinks it would be worth it just to have those few months together again(I'd soak up every moment of it)

 

Really wonder what it all says about me? Lol

Posted
That's exactly where i am stuck right now. I 100% know if we got back together it would end in disaster. I'd end up getting more hurt than i am now. Anyone would be an idiot to do it.

 

Still part of me thinks it would be worth it just to have those few months together again(I'd soak up every moment of it)

 

Really wonder what it all says about me? Lol

 

About 3 weeks after we broke up she asked if I wanted to do long distance. We tried it for 2 or 3 days and I was reminded of why I was so unhappy in the relationship. I think we tend to build things up in our minds that just aren't realistic.

Posted (edited)
That's exactly where i am stuck right now. I 100% know if we got back together it would end in disaster. I'd end up getting more hurt than i am now. Anyone would be an idiot to do it.

 

Still part of me thinks it would be worth it just to have those few months together again(I'd soak up every moment of it)

 

Really wonder what it all says about me? Lol

 

You built a strong connection with your ex. Even if it was a negative connection, it was still a connection. In more ways than one, we are used to our former lifestyle of habits, patterns, ideas etc. Takes a long time to break the circuitry in our brains that were created from it, and rewire it. It's one of the reasons why we want to return to what we know is bad for us. We're dealing with an addiction at this point. Not love.

 

And then there's the fading affect bias built into all of us where as time passes, the bad memories and the associated feelings fade away first before the good ones so what ends up typically lingering, are good memories. We can avoid the affect of it by being aware of it but it still makes us want to give it another go with them.

 

That's why you can't just think you way into healing completely in a short time. What's going on inside physiologically as we adjust from one lifestyle to another is something that takes time to change. As long as we are aware of it and do our best to proceed on the path best for us, we'll be okay over time.

Edited by Beachead
  • Like 2
Posted (edited)

Today was another relatively good day. Been a lot of those lately. Happy about that. Still holding firm around 90% healed but the remaining 10 will be the amount I feel will linger for quite some time, for all the obvious reasons. Tonight I have some stronger thoughts of her creeping in for the first time in a little while but only bc this will be my first weekend in quite a while where I have nothing planned and no dates. It makes me sit here at home, alone, and wonder, why can't she be here with me having an awesome fun time like we did for every single occasion of those 2 months? Why can't we go to dinner and talk again? Watch a movie and laugh again? Have amazing sex again. I know full clear and well why it didn't work out and am over all denial/anger and while not all of, a lot of the depression, but it still hurts, even if its a little bit.

 

@beachead, would you mind checking out and giving your two cents in my new thread? Would mean a lot as I know you followed my story fairly well.

Edited by Mac0908
  • Like 1
Posted

I think another thing that I can't seem to shake is the fear of missing out.

 

She was always very popular in high school. She lives on the beach, gets to go on cool vacations, and goes to a bunch of concerts/festivals (though she stole $1500 from her parents to afford one). Her parents always buy her whatever she wants, and rather than ever having to work for anything, she just gets it.

 

I was never popular in high school and I don't have too many friends. My parents rarely spend money and I've had a job since I was 13 in order to afford nice things for myself. I'm still very privileged and fortunate but I understand the value of money. While we were dating this is something that made me jealous and now that we're broken up I'm still jealous.

 

I think one of the reasons I'm still so hooked on her is that she showed me a different side of life, where things weren't just about work and school and preparing to be a well educated adult with a stable job. I learned a lot of good things about enjoying life and treating myself. The past few months of mostly being alone, going to class and going to the gym, I feel like I'm losing my youth. I feel like I'm out of time to be young and party while she gets to live on the beach and not have a job.

 

I guess it's probably dumb to think that I couldn't meet someone who is well adjusted and successful that still likes to go out and adventure. But for someone new to the idea of "fun," it's hard going back to being responsible again.

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