How are you coping today?

[Mac0908]

Beachead you are a true success story. You went to the depths of hell as far as breakups go and you managed to come out the other side and are passing all you learned onto others. It doesn't get any better than that. I thank you.

 

You mentioned how you hung onto hope for a very long time. I feel like even though I'm in denial about hope most of the time, I'd be lying if I didn't say I realistically still have around 10% of hope remaining in me that one day, somehow, someway, she reaches out with some big apology and talk that leads to us meeting again, having the great time that I just know we'd have, and then who knows, maybe, just maybe, it would progress into giving things a REAL shot this time, without fear of an ex returning or her leaving for him this time. I admit I do have some hope sometimes that she's been at least occasionally thinking about just how well I treated her in those 2 months that she would acknowledge so often and that maybe she feels that the pressure she'd face in coming back just might be worth a shot. Maybe she'd stop and think about how we didn't have a single blip on the radar when we dated. Maybe.

 

A pipe dream perhaps, I know, but when you feel a connection as strong as I did with this person it's just hard not to think...

 

I wonder one more thing to ask you since you are obviously someone who seems to know.. Do you think it is at all healthy or even normal to hold onto the tiny amount of this "hope"? Or is it flat out dangerous?

Edited March 8, 2018 by Mac0908

[TeddyPSmith]

I sometimes wonder if I’m holding onto hope without even realizing it. I’ve got the exact same fantasy that she is realizing the part she played in our downfall, slowly builds regret, and then frantically calls me to deliver a grand apology, professing her love for me. As desperate as I am now, I have to say that that’s the only way I’d take her back. She’s admitted almost no fault in this which is actually robbing me of closure. I also secretly hope that her Facebook likes on my family’s page are breadcrumbs bc she can’t fully let go. In reality she may be vain and not want my family to think poorly of her.

 

So the ultimate goal is to have all hope shattered into a million pieces. I suppose that looks completely different to each of us. For me it could be finding out she has another man. It may look different to each of us. We’ve all got a point of no return. Maybe it’s only a matter of your brain slowly dripping out what you can emotionally handle at the moment until one day there’s nothing left to drip.

 

This forum has been immensely helpful to me. I feel so much more human and not alone when I come here. Thank you all

[TeddyPSmith]

Oh and there is also the hope (fantasy) that I will go through this hell to get over her, finally overcome it, meet someone else, and serendipitously she will appear, ready to try again. The fantasy plays out that I would no longer have interest at that point.

[Mac0908]

Oh and there is also the hope (fantasy) that I will go through this hell to get over her, finally overcome it, meet someone else, and serendipitously she will appear, ready to try again. The fantasy plays out that I would no longer have interest at that point.

 

Teddy just curious what’s the gist of your situation?

 

I personally don’t think it’s wrong to have a minuscule amount of hope somewhere in our hearts but if we’re going day in and out wondering and worrying checking our phones that’s when it’s a problem. THAT I don’t do and I certainly hope you don’t either. I’m in a position where I’d be ok if I never spoke to her again as long as I lived.

[NomiMalone]

In my experience, hope is something that can't be switched off just at will. Hope is mainly intertwined with the denial phase and can only fade with the passing of time, as we enter the acceptance phase. We don't entirely choose whether to keep our hope alive or not.

 

I'm holding out hope that one day, whenever it may be, he'll reach out to me and say he's acknowledged his part in the break up and would like to try couples counselling. Realistically though, chances of that ever happening are slim to none.

[TeddyPSmith]

Teddy just curious what’s the gist of your situation?

 

I personally don’t think it’s wrong to have a minuscule amount of hope somewhere in our hearts but if we’re going day in and out wondering and worrying checking our phones that’s when it’s a problem. THAT I don’t do and I certainly hope you don’t either. I’m in a position where I’d be ok if I never spoke to her again as long as I lived.

 

We were together for 2 years. Have kids similar ages. We were almost like a family. She had some flaws that I saw as major but tried to overlook. I told her we couldn’t move forward until they were addessed. It seemed to dissolve at that point so we mutually ended it. In the end, she put almost all of the blame on me and diminished her role to not cooking or cleaning. I have been taking it really hard. We broke up 7 weeks ago and NC for almost 4 weeks.

[Realitysux]

There are some people I can not wait to be out of my life. I can't wait until he is so far gone that I don't remember how big and round his stupid head was.

[Beachead]

Beachead you are a true success story. You went to the depths of hell as far as breakups go and you managed to come out the other side and are passing all you learned onto others. It doesn't get any better than that. I thank you.

 

You mentioned how you hung onto hope for a very long time. I feel like even though I'm in denial about hope most of the time, I'd be lying if I didn't say I realistically still have around 10% of hope remaining in me that one day, somehow, someway, she reaches out with some big apology and talk that leads to us meeting again, having the great time that I just know we'd have, and then who knows, maybe, just maybe, it would progress into giving things a REAL shot this time, without fear of an ex returning or her leaving for him this time. I admit I do have some hope sometimes that she's been at least occasionally thinking about just how well I treated her in those 2 months that she would acknowledge so often and that maybe she feels that the pressure she'd face in coming back just might be worth a shot. Maybe she'd stop and think about how we didn't have a single blip on the radar when we dated. Maybe.

 

A pipe dream perhaps, I know, but when you feel a connection as strong as I did with this person it's just hard not to think...

 

I wonder one more thing to ask you since you are obviously someone who seems to know.. Do you think it is at all healthy or even normal to hold onto the tiny amount of this "hope"? Or is it flat out dangerous?

 

Thank you man, I appreciate that. I guess I've had a lot of practice dealing with tough situations.

 

Hope is absolutely normal but very dangerous. It makes us tenacious and stubborn and can keep us stuck if we don't watch it. While having that attitude is largely a good thing when it comes to working on ourselves, in breakups, I have found hope does a disservice to us.

 

I can't count the number of times I've heard many people's stories on here and in real life of them hoping. Hell, I still have a little bit of hope in me that one day my ex's relationship with her ex will end and I can have the satisfaction of knowing I was right. It's not a good thing but then again, I'm not 100% healed yet.

 

You can't force it to go away. It's something that goes away as you progress through your grief. Provided they don't reach out to you, you'll find as the months accumulate and you don't hear from them, the silence will hurt and it will make you contemplate the possibility that they may never come back. When that happens, the relationship with them will appear in a different light. The pain of it all will force you to shut your hope down in whatever way you can. That is the point, you will truly begin to look towards a future irrespective of them and begin to move forward.

 

We don't know what will happen in the future. They may or may not come back. They may or may not reach out. It may or may not work out. It's best to focus on what is and proceed like that.

 

For example, with my ex, we had an amazing time together, but despite that, she left and she has chosen to stay away. It doesn't matter what she said or did when we were together, doesn't matter how she's feeling right now in this moment, as far as I know, she is gone and she will never come back. I'm not waiting. I have people who need me..more importantly, I need me.

 

And that's how I think. It's a binary, black and white way of thinking and I do in a way deceive myself into thinking harshly about the person but it is needed to bounce back from heartbreak.

 

Forgiveness will come later when your strength is restored and you are ready to accept the truth.

 

- Beach

Edited March 9, 2018 by Beachead

[Beachead]

The good moods for me have mainly come about because of milestones or positive things happening at work, which has also served as distractions from wallowing in thoughts of him.

 

Triggers have been, like TeddyPSmith mentioned, songs, especially those that reminded me of our time together, random memories, and recently for me, moving from a temporary share apartment into my own apartment. It was then that it hit me that, well, this is it, there’s no going back.

 

Right now I’m having trouble understanding why I still love and miss someone who didn’t treat me well on many occasions, and displayed many deal-breaking qualities in the 2.5 years we were together. I figured this is because the bad things didn’t really start happening until the 1 year mark, and the person I’m missing is the person he was in the early days, not the person he slowly became. All the great memories I have of our time together were from the first year. Another reason I guess is because I knew he truly loved me and was committed to me, and in his own way, made a huge effort to be a good partner to me (as I did too for him). We were a couple who spent lots of time together and very much included each other in our family, social and work lives. And all that has been hard to let go of and live without.

 

Last night, I made a list of many of the times he treated me badly, and seeing them written down gave them substance and made them more real. Another thing I’m struggling with in a huge way, is not knowing whether he cheated on me when we were together (I found something that indicated this could’ve been the case). It’s something I’ll never know, and the fact that he could’ve cheated is killing me.

 

 

 

 

Couldn’t agree more Beachead. Thing is at the moment I really don’t have it in me to do much more than get through the stuff I have on my calendar each day. I have reflected on my relationship and breakup in depth, and have come away with many lessons of awareness to do with why he and I weren’t compatible, the work I need to do on myself in addressing my weak points (in particular why I allowed myself to be treated in the way I have been).

 

Keep that up and you're going to be more than okay. The more you know yourself, the more you can then choose who and what is right for you; a life that is more in line with what is in your heart. With less discrepency between the life you live and the one you want, you'll feel more at peace, more content, more fulfilled and it'll shine right out of you via the way you carry yourself in your body language and your ideas. This is attractive to people...both healthy and unhealthy. On one hand, you'll attract a lot of like-minded, healthier people who are right for you. On the other hand, you will always attract some bad apples as well. BUT, you'll spot them quickly and avoid them..and if by some chance you don't, you'll be far better at waking away. Whatever the outcome, you're better equipped.

 

It's no lie when they say, the changes begin with ourself.

 

- Beach

Edited March 9, 2018 by Beachead

[anonymousbear00101100]

I'd checked a book out from the library roughly six months ago but never got around to reading it. Checked it out again today. Read through the first few chapters. Flipped a page and there was a sticky note that said "I love you so so so so much" in her hand writing. She must have hidden it in there for me to find. She truly is inescapable. Remarkable.

[Realitysux]

"I get knocked down but I get up again", that came to mind this morning. I was knocked down yesterday but I got back up again and I am feeling much better. I am sure it will happen again.

[Mac0908]

Went on a date last night and actually had a really good time. She was attractive, nice, mature, etc. It was a good self esteem boost and a good thing in general. As happy as I felt on the way home, there was some big pain under the surface knowing that as good of a time as I just had, it didn't even compare to some of the times I had with my "ex", even early on.

 

I know they are two completely different people and comparing is not right, but I just can't escape the thoughts still. We complimented each others personalities so well. We had such nice chemistry. I'm progressively doing better but still can't get over these thoughts. We didn't have one fight. Not one issue. Not one blip on the radar in the jam packed 2 months that we dated. Her ex came back and destroyed everything that was brewing between us. Sure she wasn't over him and she had her own issues for somewhat allowing this to blow up, but it doesn't change the fact that I bonded with this person better than anyone I've been with in many, many years.

 

Going on 1.5 months of no contact, and while I may be close to 80% healed, I still have that "if its meant to be, it will" mindset in my head and its really not dying down much.

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

Every day i have to drive somewhere and have a coffee. Usually I'm gone for a few hours. I do it to be on my own and clear my head(This being the main motivation and it helps me make sense of things). Once i come back home i feel able to make it through the rest of the day.

 

I've been doing this for months now.

 

Does anybody else do anything specific to help themselves get through it? X

[NomiMalone]

I'd checked a book out from the library roughly six months ago but never got around to reading it. Checked it out again today. Read through the first few chapters. Flipped a page and there was a sticky note that said "I love you so so so so much" in her hand writing. She must have hidden it in there for me to find. She truly is inescapable. Remarkable.

 

How bittersweet. Life's little surprises can be astounding.

[Beachead]

Every day i have to drive somewhere and have a coffee. Usually I'm gone for a few hours. I do it to be on my own and clear my head(This being the main motivation and it helps me make sense of things). Once i come back home i feel able to make it through the rest of the day.

 

I've been doing this for months now.

 

Does anybody else do anything specific to help themselves get through it? X

 

That's good HBJH. A coffee in the day works for me too. Also, I go for a workout. 1.5 hours to myself. 2 things that make my day are those.

Edited March 10, 2018 by Beachead

[fieldoflavender]

Who thinks they were screwed over in the past by unrealistic dramas and movies?

 

I grew up as a teenager who watched love stories and fell in love with the thick/thin and drama. My parents had dramatic fights throughout my childhood but stayed together.

 

Not blaming anyone, but that's all I really knew. And I think it twisted my view on love. And today, I don't want to say I lost faith in love. But I should hope I'm not stupid enough - at least my brain/heart should be smart enough to realize that one shouldn't go down the same path twice. Can I love again? Maybe. I want to, but I am also very realistic now. There is love- and there is real life. We are selfish when we are tired.

 

What do I really want from life? I don't really know. Something's gotta give, and we can't have it all.

 

I catch myself sometimes fantasizing that my ex would just simply say "sorry" to me. I don't who was ultimately wrong, but I actually apologized. But he will never do it. And sometimes it's that bit of closure. But we can't hang on and wait for other people to apologize to us. I still need time to forgive, but I will do it - eventually forgive him for me. I have "forgiven" my first ex - all scars will heal. Now when I think about him, I just roll my eyes.

 

All things with time will pass. And we may just blink and say - did that really happen all those years? Really? All the years that were "Stolen" by time and those who didn't deserve us? By our own youths ignorant of the right decision? But they were truths and they will remain truths. We can only move on.

[NomiMalone]

Every day i have to drive somewhere and have a coffee. Usually I'm gone for a few hours. I do it to be on my own and clear my head(This being the main motivation and it helps me make sense of things). Once i come back home i feel able to make it through the rest of the day.

 

I've been doing this for months now.

 

Does anybody else do anything specific to help themselves get through it? X

 

That's great you've found something that makes your day better.

 

I force myself to say yes to events and going out. Even if I feel like crap on my way there, I always end up feeling better afterwards, without fail.

 

I make sure I'm spoiling myself, with nice things for my new apartment, within my budget. This has made moving out of his place (where we lived together for almost 2 years) a hell of a lot less depressing. Now I always look forward to going home at the end of each day.

 

Gym.

 

Walks by the ocean also does wonders to clear your head (if you happen to live close by.)

[maybejune]

... they only want to hear that you're doing good. Not telling the sad stories, not your broken heart, not your delaying healing, not your confusion.

 

I believe they truly hope I'm doing well/getting better, meanwhile, they aren't built to hear my sadness and calm me down. They have their lives to care about, I understand and respect.

 

I only hope they won't ask me that when I need support and get nothing.

[Beachead]

... they only want to hear that you're doing good. Not telling the sad stories, not your broken heart, not your delaying healing, not your confusion.

 

I believe they truly hope I'm doing well/getting better, meanwhile, they aren't built to hear my sadness and calm me down. They have their lives to care about, I understand and respect.

 

I only hope they won't ask me that when I need support and get nothing.

 

I know exactly what you mean and how you feel. That's why I choose let my emotions fly on here. Atleast here, there's a community of people who are in it with us and we share experiences and help one another.

Edited March 12, 2018 by Beachead

[kaitlynlily6]

always coping positively. why think of someone who's not even thinking of me Best way to cope is focus with work and the best revenge is to just succeed.

[Mac0908]

Today marks 1.5 months of NC. Almost hard to believe it's been that long already. I'm doing better. The best I've done this entire time. My depression has lessened and I'm closer to acceptance everyday, but pain still finds its way back at least once a day.

 

I had another date this past weekend (been out with her a few times now) and while I didn't compare the two of them per say, by the middle of our time together like on the first couple of dates, it just stung terribly knowing that my enjoyment of her company didn't even come CLOSE to how I felt when I was with my ex. I was in the bathroom at one point and looked in the mirror before I left just realizing how unfair this all feels. How I had someone I truly cared about and truly liked and now I'm here, out with this other person who I simply just don't like nearly as much. I do not think I will see her again.

 

I know I deserve better than my "ex" and I know the thought of all the BS she put me through during and after her blowoff of me should be enough to be the kick in the a-- I need to just move on completely already, but something tells me I won't be FULLY healed for while. She was that special during our time together and I hadn't felt anything like I felt for this girl in many, many years. Would continue to be lying if I didn't say I'd to see her reach out in some capacity one day soon, for validation that I was right, if nothing else.

[Young mind]

Today marks 1.5 months of NC. Almost hard to believe it's been that long already. I'm doing better. The best I've done this entire time. My depression has lessened and I'm closer to acceptance everyday, but pain still finds its way back at least once a day.

 

I had another date this past weekend (been out with her a few times now) and while I didn't compare the two of them per say, by the middle of our time together like on the first couple of dates, it just stung terribly knowing that my enjoyment of her company didn't even come CLOSE to how I felt when I was with my ex. I was in the bathroom at one point and looked in the mirror before I left just realizing how unfair this all feels. How I had someone I truly cared about and truly liked and now I'm here, out with this other person who I simply just don't like nearly as much. I do not think I will see her again.

 

I know I deserve better than my "ex" and I know the thought of all the BS she put me through during and after her blowoff of me should be enough to be the kick in the a-- I need to just move on completely already, but something tells me I won't be FULLY healed for while. She was that special during our time together and I hadn't felt anything like I felt for this girl in many, many years. Would continue to be lying if I didn't say I'd to see her reach out in some capacity one day soon, for validation that I was right, if nothing else.

 

Ever heard " healing isn't linear?", that's exactly what it is, there will be waves of guilt, anger, low self esteem, over analyzing, but it is a process, although counting progress is great, do not set a time limit for your healing, don't be mistaken to say Oh by 6 mos I should be completely healed. I'm still healing after 6 mos, I'm guilty as charged by comparing each girl I have been with to my ex, some were far better others not so much, but the point is they are separate people with their own characters, nothing to do with your ex.

 

Keep going but try to enjoy the moment, concentrate in that moment, helps me on my dates, I just go with it, I do still think of my ex but I know that's the past now

[Mac0908]

Yes, I know there is no set time. I know it could be another 6 months or it could even be another year before I'm at 100%. That being said I've already come a long way in these early stages. While I'm still hurt of course, I'm over the shock, the devastation, the denial and the anger. I think back about it now and no longer even get that upset.

 

My problem is that the remaining let's say 15-20% of healing I have left is built around the hope that she may one day reach back out, and at the very least apologize to me out of guilt or something along those lines, thus giving me that validation I crave that would remove what's left of the huge black cloud that has been hovering over me, but I know thats absolutely not a sure thing. I guess I'm just worried about how long I will hold onto this. Obviously I still think about her everyday, and I just don't see that stopping anytime soon.

Edited March 12, 2018 by Mac0908

[maybejune]

I know exactly what you mean and how you feel. That's why I choose let my emotions fly on here. At least here, there's a community of people who are in it with us and we share experiences and help one another.

 

Yeah, every reply I received here has been a real bless to me. Even though I have never met any of you in person, you guys are truly accepting me, my sadness and bad days, because we are going through it together.

 

I don't know how to set expectation with them. I don't know how I am supposed to reply, should I just lie?

 

Once I thought they were my friends, family, but all I got from my family was, You are on your own, we can't help you in any way -- and they proved it. My parents told me to stop complaining because there are millions of people who can't afford lives like mine -- they are supposed to be the people I can trust, but not really. So I learned to avoid those talk, because tbh I don't feel any support from them and hearing those usually saddens me.

 

My ex asked me if I had talked to my friends (before we broke up), I guessed he was tired of listening to my negativity ( and eventually distanced himself, ), so I stopped talking about myself, and when he asked about my day which was boring and sad , I replied it's ok.

 

My friends, I understand they have their own lives, so if they don't reply after my sad text, I just let it go.

 

There are a lot of advice about healing from breakup, and all of them suggest staying with family and friends. I'd say, be realistic with family and friends, they may disappoint you at your worst time, and make your feel hell worse.

 

I sound very depressed, there isn't anyone I can count on.

Edited March 12, 2018 by maybejune

[Beachead]

Yeah, every reply I received here has been a real bless to me. Even though I have never met any of you in person, you guys are truly accepting me, my sadness and bad days, because we are going through it together.

 

I don't know how to set expectation with them. I don't know how I am supposed to reply, should I just lie?

 

Once I thought they were my friends, family, but all I got from my family was, You are on your own, we can't help you in any way -- and they proved it. My parents told me to stop complaining because there are millions of people who can't afford lives like mine -- they are supposed to be the people I can trust, but not really. So I learned to avoid those talk, because tbh I don't feel any support from them and hearing those usually saddens me.

 

My ex asked me if I had talked to my friends (before we broke up), I guessed he was tired of listening to my negativity ( and eventually distanced himself, ), so I stopped talking about myself, and when he asked about my day which was boring and sad , I replied it's ok.

 

My friends, I understand they have their own lives, so if they don't reply after my sad text, I just let it go.

 

There are a lot of advice about healing from breakup, and all of them suggest staying with family and friends. I'd say, be realistic with family and friends, they may disappoint you at your worst time, and make your feel hell worse.

 

I sound very depressed, there isn't anyone I can count on.

 

You sound normal to me.

 

Truth is when we go through a breakup, we hit a kind of slump that won't get better in a few weeks. It could take several months. Our family and friends..they forget how hard it is or maybe they just don't know the struggle. We can't just "Get over it" or "Just move on" which is what is expected of us even though it hasn't been that long at all.

 

Like you said, most people don't want to listen to negativity or hear sad stories because it affects them. So their reaction and advice reflects their personal biases and where they are in their life. But that doesn't stop our pain does it? We still have to grieve. We still have things we have to sort out. So now, we have to put on a brave face for them because they expect us to be perfect all the time. We have to smile when we don't want to. Be strong when we feel weak. Guess what? Over time, doing that is a huge disservice to us and our healing. What we need right now is to be free to express how we feel (Without judgment) so that we can get through it and move forward. We need to be gentle with ourself and we need to be forgiving to ourself. If our familly and friends aren't letting us do that or our making us feel judged, then what we need is distance from them for awhile until we are strong enough and ready to perform the role they expect us to perform.

 

That is particularily why I told my friends I wasn't doing well not too long after my breakup and disappeared. I don't oblige to their needs or expectations. I don't try to please them. I don't show up to any parties or plans anymore and I don't know when I'll be back. It's not because I'm angry at them. It's because I don't have the strength to perform the role they expect of me. They want me to be positive all the time? I can't do that. This isn't about them. This is about me. And so I took all my energy and resources and returned it back to myself because I need all of it right now and the solitude I have is healing me and helping me. It's not selfish to do what we need to do to make sure we're okay.

 

So where do we get our comfort from then?

 

A therapist, maybe a support group in real life for sadness and depression or relationship issues, and a good online forum full of people who share in the same experiences. Maybe if you're lucky, one friend who you can unload on once in awhile. As long as we have 1 or 2 healthy outlets, we'll be okay. What we need after that is just to put all our energy into taking care of us.

 

With time, when you build your energy back up, you can face them again.

Edited March 12, 2018 by Beachead