How are you coping today?

[Beachead]

I came to the realization as of just today that I think one of the MAIN reasons I have found it so very hard to get over this is bc unlike I'd say 95% of breakups, my breakup, or my "blowoff" really, had absolutely nothing to do with problems, arguments, or any other issues between me and her.

 

As far as the two of us were concerned while we dated, we were simply two individuals very much attracted to one another that had nice conversations, good laughs, amazing sex, and much more, albeit in a short period of time. We were building something nice and there wasn't a single solitary blip on the radar. She left me for an ex that came back to HER that she wasn't over and wanted to give it another shot. Likely nothing I could have done in just 2 months could have beaten out strong history of a year and a half and I understood that.

 

It's just such a hard pill to swallow, knowing someone is out there that you're not only insanely attracted to, but had an amazing time with. I did see a whole other side of her after the blowoff with her return and subsequent push/pull games of course, but it was really just extreme immaturity and was never anything malicious. Not putting her in a positive light, just saying that the good memories still outweigh the bad for me.

 

Bottom line, we never got to have our day, and the worst part is that it was not brought to a stop by any issues me and her had (which would have made this all feel more justified), but instead by a third party, an ex boyfriend, and I think that's what eating me the most. Had we had blowout fights like me and my ex years ago did, I think acceptance would be coming a lot easier like it did for me then.

 

That's similar to how I used to feel at times about my situation. There were no incompatibility issues. We were clearly attracted to eachother, we had fun together. We had great conversations etc. It was just her ex. Can't compete with a guy she developed a 4 year connection with and was still hung up on. For us to work, he and her would have had to have been completely done with eachother. In this timeline, these key moments aligning were simply not possible. It was tough to accept that.

 

But as time has gone and I have gained clarity, knowing that our relationship wasn't going to survive anyway eases the pain, because it was out of my control.

Edited March 5, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

That's similar to how I used to feel at times about my situation. There were no incompatibility issues. We were clearly attracted to eachother, we had fun together. We had great conversations etc. It was just her ex. Can't compete with a guy she developed a 4 year connection with and was still hung up on. For us to work, he and her would have had to have been completely done with eachother. In this timeline, these key moments aligning were simply not possible. It was tough to accept that.

 

But as time has gone and I have gained clarity, knowing that our relationship wasn't going to survive anyway eases the pain, because it was out of my control.

 

1-The thing that is different about my situation and just sucks, is that she eventually dropped the ex(maybe not for GOOD, but she still dropped him. They are still friends on social media tho), but felt that she couldn't come back bc of the damage that had been done. I didn't help matters by getting a bit emotional, but what was I to do. I was only human, right? I told her things would be ok if she accepted my second chance but it didn't matter. She didn't want the pressure on her of ever possibly hurting me again.

 

2-Do you honestly and truly think that if she and this guy split up that she'd reach out to you?

Edited March 5, 2018 by Mac0908

[NomiMalone]

Really struggling atm. It hits in waves and catches me off guard. But the urge to reach out is strong. And its getting me down.

 

It will be four months in a week or so time. Apart from talking for all of five minutes face to face. Its been zero contact.

 

Which brings me to my next point. I still have her number, plus email, Photos/cards and mementos. Its getting to that time where i need to get rid of it all...

 

Has everybody else done that? I can't decided whether its the right thing to do or not? X

 

If you don't feel you want to get rid of the mementos, you don't have to. Pack them all up into a box, tape it up, and give it to a friend to keep for you. Not having reminders of them around the house will help a lot.

[Beachead]

1-The thing that is different about my situation and just sucks, is that she eventually dropped the ex(maybe not for GOOD, but she still dropped him. They are still friends on social media tho), but felt that she couldn't come back bc of the damage that had been done. I didn't help matters by getting a bit emotional, but what was I to do. I was only human, right? I told her things would be ok if she accepted my second chance but it didn't matter. She didn't want the pressure on her of ever possibly hurting me again.

 

2-Do you honestly and truly think that if she and this guy split up that she'd reach out to you?

 

My ex? Nope. She loves and respects him and she knows if she and I ever spoke again if they ever broke up, it would hurt him. She promised him not to have contact with me again after all so she will find someone else if it doesn't work out with him. I was nothing more than the push her and her ex needed in order to rediscover their love for one another and I have made my peace with that.

 

When I was caught up in my pain in the beginning, I told myself to keep working on me; even if I couldn't do much but sit and watch a tv show and have a coffee for the day. And that thought process has led me to rediscover that as I continue to put the work in pile on one accomplishment after another in my post breakup life, the more this breakup has become a necessary stage in my life to get to where I am currently at. I wouldn't be who I am right now with out. So now, following that train of thought, I can see that the more I continue investing in myself, the more necessary it becomes. I'm going to take all that wisdom, all that strength and everything I have gained over the last 7 months and add it to who I already am. There's no loss here. But, its through my own hard work that makes it worth something.

Edited March 6, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

Good points, but what do you mean by this was "necessary" to help you get better? I'm assuming you mean you now know to never ever get involved with a woman who has an ex lingering?

 

See this is just another layer of my struggle in this. There is no real lesson to learn from this for me IMO. No better person to really become. I did everything right and treated her very well. I got burned and hurt and it was anything but my fault. It's just flat out pain that will take time to heal as opposed to looking back and seeing what I did wrong and how I can get better.

[Beachead]

Good points, but what do you mean by this was "necessary" to help you get better? I'm assuming you mean you now know to never ever get involved with a woman who has an ex lingering?

 

See this is just another layer of my struggle in this. There is no real lesson to learn from this for me IMO. No better person to really become. I did everything right and treated her very well. I got burned and hurt and it was anything but my fault. It's just flat out pain that will take time to heal as opposed to looking back and seeing what I did wrong and how I can get better.

 

It means the breakup has become more positive as I've piled on more accomplishments in my post-breakup life and the only reason its becoming that way is because I'm making it that way. And it was the emotional shock I needed to remind me just one more time why concentrating on myself was what I should have always been doing. Let me tell you..after suffering through 2 years of post breakup drama with my previous ex and to finally get through that and wind up broken hearted again pissed me off so much, it lit a fire under my a**. That translated into new goals at the gym, new goals with teaching piano, new goals musically, spiritually, and more time and effort dedicated to the people who I knew were there. Overall, it's strengthened my personal resolve and that was my discovery. What I learned had nothing to do with how to be better in a relationship. And that's my point.

 

It may change you in other ways that actually might be helpful to you. It all matters man. Everything. I know its cliche but cliche's often come from a place of truth. You're caught up in the pain still so the mind is closed off to that idea. But give it some time and your perspective is going to change on that. I am sure of it.

Edited March 6, 2018 by Beachead

[sorano]

pray, work hard, stay humble

[divegrl]

People are like a ball of yarn. One tug on the string, and the whole life story comes undone.

 

I am surrounded by people who have been thru a great deal of loss. I’m not sure if these are the type of people I attract, or if this is just the state of our world today.

 

A guy tells me a story about a women he loved. They were together for three years and she broke up with him. Three years have since passed and he is not able to get over her. Funny enough, I know the woman too. And she tells a very different story. She said during the relationship, there was lack of affection and interest on his part. Also she wanted to get married, and he did not yet.

 

Every story, two sides. Two perspectives, two sets of thoughts and emotions. What I write here on LS is my story. But the guys I’ve dated have their own. Understanding the other’s perspective has helped me immensely in my growth. Developing my empathy.

 

Listen more

 

Send more loving kindness

[StrangerThanFiction]

I ended up spending a few hours with my ex a couple days ago. A friend of ours was in the hospital and he came with me to visit her. We joked and talked like we did back before things went sideways. When I dropped him off at his place he gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. We've chatted through messenger a few times over the following days but today, nothing. I've come to the realization that nothing has changed, regardless of how chummy we get. I can pretty much guarantee he's sleeping with other women and I know that at some point he'll get drunk and horny and there won't be anything better on offer and I'll receive a drunk booty call message. I've been relegated to the back burner. Screw that. I had enough self respect to leave him after he treated me like crap and damn rights I'm going to have enough self respect not to be just another one of his booty call girls.

 

I thought that, yeah, maybe we could be friends. Dammit, I know better than this that it is pretty much impossible to be friends with an ex immediately after a relationship ends. I read somewhere that the only way for exes to be friends is if their are no lingering feelings. That if you saw them with someone else you would feel nothing. Well, I tell you, if I saw him with someone else it would crush me. Knowing he's out there boinking whatever chick comes his way is one thing, seeing it is a whole new can of worms. So no, I don't think I can do this. The solution? The same thing I've been saying for a week: block him. Doing this will cut off all forms of contact.

 

I've never really had an issue blocking exes from my life before, no doubt due to the fact that they all ended badly, but for some reason I'm having a hell of a time with this one. I already know exactly how it's going to play out. I'll block him, feel a moment of relief, and then panic because now he's really gone. Cue crying and regret. That's the part that's holding me back. I'm afraid of that pain. But I also know that a day or a week later I'll feel a sense of freedom and relief that I can't obsessively check up on him on social media or wonder why he's not messaging me. I know that will come, it's just getting through that initial pain of complete separation that has me balked.

 

I like to think I have courage and that I'm strong, but something so stupid like not being able to block a guy that chose other women and drugs over me makes me question that. I know that by keeping communication open like this is just keeping me stuck on him. And it hurts. So I have the choice between the pain I'm feeling now or the pain I'll feel due to finality. I guess I'm used to this pain and am...comfortable? with it and the thought of introducing new pain scares me. But it's going to happen sooner or later, whether it be by blocking or by seeing him with someone new. Right now the choice is mine. Screw up my self respect and do it for myself or let him hurt me again? Seems pretty obvious which I should choose. I don't want to be here again and again saying I should block him and then not until one day I come crying that I saw on his social media that he's with someone else. Or that, god forbid, I gave in to one of his booty calls. All completely avoidable by doing one simple thing.

 

Come on, Stranger, put on your big girl panties and do it. I hope that at some point in the very near future I'll have a post that says "I finally did it. I blocked him."

[TeddyPSmith]

days seem more difficult. its been 3.5 weeks of NC. I am really feeling the depths of the loss and shes popping up in more dreams. Its like I blocked her out of my memory for a certain time. Now shes coming back.

 

 

I am writing all of her bad qualities to help me through this. There were lots. I also have bad qualities and wont deny any of them. However, when we ended it, she said hers were mostly related to lack of housekeeping and cooking. That is the extent of blame she put on herself. That speaks volumes to me.

[Beachead]

days seem more difficult. its been 3.5 weeks of NC. I am really feeling the depths of the loss and shes popping up in more dreams. Its like I blocked her out of my memory for a certain time. Now shes coming back.

 

 

I am writing all of her bad qualities to help me through this. There were lots. I also have bad qualities and wont deny any of them. However, when we ended it, she said hers were mostly related to lack of housekeeping and cooking. That is the extent of blame she put on herself. That speaks volumes to me.

 

That's a good tool to use; writing the bad qualities down. The pain feels terrible but our mind needs that pain to process everything. Have to feel it to heal yea? Just keep doing your thing.

Edited March 6, 2018 by Beachead

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

I did. I actually deleted all photos the night my ex told she was going back to her ex and then I tossed all the gifts about a month afterwards when I felt ready. It was the right thing to do for me. Either I keep it all and let it haunt me everyday or I remove it from my life so that I could move on. I'll tell you this much..I wasn't planning to spend my 30's broken over someone like I had been in my 20's.

 

My ex chose to do what was best for her and I had to do what was best for me and that's fine. We both have a right to better our lives; even if that means leaving eachother. If she cares about me keeping the stuff, then she should have stayed. But she didn't..and that was the day her influence in my life ended.

 

As I've gotten older, I have learned my time and well-being is priority. Time is limited and I have to allocate it to people who care about me and my well-being is precious because without that, I am of no use to myself or anyone else and will not make it in the world.

 

- Beach

 

Haven't deleted her number or email yet. But i feel it's getting very close. It something i need to do. It will probably be within the next week or so.

 

It would take way to long to explain, No one wants to read a wall of text! Lol But the mystery reappearing continues. Seen each other again to today. She caught me off guard. Managed not to speak to her.

 

She's hurt me so bad there simply isn't a way back. You can never respect a person in the same way, that caused you that much pain. No sorry in the world will fix it.

 

When she left her reasons were a bunch of lies... So I'm sat here now praying the "House of bull****" she spun herself holds up.

[Mac0908]

Today was a very very good day.

 

Right now I am in between Depression and Acceptance which everyone probably knows is the hardest and longest part, but I can say with confidence that today was the first time I felt like I have possibly jumped over the hurdle that is now leading more towards the acceptance side, and even a little bit of that thought feels amazing.

 

For the first time today I woke up and she wasn't the first thing on my mind. What followed was me going through today realizing that while I'm not out of the woods yet depression wise, I'm not as far away from acceptance as I thought I'd be. I came to a realization. A beautiful realization that I already kind of knew and that every single solitary person told me throughout this nightmare that was this blowoff that I experienced. I did nothing wrong.

 

I treated her well and was an amazing guy (as she even said many times). I showed her a good time. Introduced her to my great friends. Made her nice dinners. Brought her breakfast in bed. Called her instead of texting. Listened when she spoke. Complimented her when she deserved it.

 

I know in my heart and I know that so many girls would be lucky to have me. SHE had her issues and that is what led to this all blowing up and happening and I am NOT to blame for that. SHE got involved when she was nowhere near over an ex. SHE escalated this in such a short period of time. SHE wasn't ready to have me.

 

And I am not to blame bc I could have never seen it coming. Me getting emotional after I was blown off may not have been the right move, but it certainly wasn't the wrong move. I'm only human. We were borderline exclusive. We had plans for a party that night. We were coming off a flawless 2 months. She blindsided me on an extreme level. I have no regrets. While she liked me, it doesn't change the fact that she kind of played me, and again, I'm simply not to blame. Good luck to her.

Edited March 6, 2018 by Mac0908

[NomiMalone]

So sick of feeling this way.

[Beachead]

So sick of feeling this way.

 

Hang in there. Good days and bad days remember? Today was just a bad day. Tomorrow may or may not be..but tomorrow will be a brand new day,

[NomiMalone]

Hang in there. Good days and bad days remember? Today was just a bad day. Tomorrow may or may not be..but tomorrow will be a brand new day,

 

Thanks Beachead. Your posts are always full of insight and awareness.

[TeddyPSmith]

Felt like crap yesterday morning. For some reason I felt incredible yesterday afternoon, like I was completely over this. Then I woke up again this morning with the same feelings of sadness and loss that ive always had. Maybe even stronger. At least I have some good times sprinkled in occasionally. I just don't understand why I go back and forth so much.

[Mac0908]

Seems like we’re on a topic right now of how we tend to go back and forth. Surprisingly I’m in the same boat right now. Yesterday was hands down my best day since this began. I felt like I made a lot of progress and could finally see a finish line (albeit far in the distance). Today from the second I woke up, I have no idea what it is, but I’ve felt down again, thinking of her, wondering, hurting a bit. This was very sad to experience bc of how great I felt yesterday. I still feel I’ve made a LOT of progress, but this back and forth I don’t understand. There is a snowstorm by me today so maybe that factors in to my mood? I also have big plans this Saturday that I started thinking about today which I’m not thrilled about since it will be mostly couples. I’m not sure if these things are factoring in. They might be. Either way it is almost night and day from yesterday and it sucks.

Edited March 7, 2018 by Mac0908

[TeddyPSmith]

I think there are definitely triggers. A dream will do it. Seeing couples will do it. This morning I listened to “Well it’s Alright” by The Travelling Willburys. The lyric “well it’s alright, if you got someone to love” sent me into a sobbing fit.

 

But what triggers the good moods? I know that being aware of her negatives really helps. But more than anything, the good moods seem spontaneous.

[Mac0908]

One of the main things she always liked about me and even told me after she dropped me was how she loved that I never let her walk in the cold weather. I’d always pick her up or try and keep her warm, etc. With this storm today I started thinking of that right from when I looked out the window. That may have triggered it I guess. The good moments and things always seem to outweigh the bad for me. I wish she was a b-itch and was malicious in the end but she just wasn’t. As weird as that sounds it’s what has made this all that much worse.

[Beachead]

@TeddyPSmith and Mac0908 and anyone else reading, best way I can describe the process is like this:

 

Those moods are the result of your brain and heart fighting it out. And those moods will be extremely intense in feelings and will fluctuate with high frequency. One day you'll feel good, the next day something will trigger it as TeddyPSmith said and you'll feel like crap and then your brain will feed you whatever it is you need to tell yourself to help you cope and you'll numb out. That might last for a few days until you return to back to sadness. So on so forth. And all 3 of those moods might even happen a couple of times within the day itself depending on how much in pain you are.

 

As the months go, the good moods along with the indifference will last longer and longer while the bad moods will simply shorten up and eventually go away. After that, the indifference will follow and go away as well until there is a general self-fulfillment and self-content. By then, you'll be okay. Might even be strong enough to forgive.

 

So overall, the frequency in those ups and downs will become less and less with time and the extremity of those feelings will level off with time as well and you'll achieve a more stable, balanced state of mind in your day to day. As you return to stability, you'll also be able to process your breakups and situations far more effectively as well which will will speed your healing up.

 

In summary, it can only get better from here.

 

Healing is just like digestion. Can't rush it. You just have to let it do its thing. In the mean time, don't quit on yourself. Just continue to invest in yourself, spiritually, intellectually, socially, physically etc. and you'll come out of this thing a revised, version 2.0 of yourself.

 

- Beach

Edited March 7, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

Great post Beachead. Triggers are a very real thing for me. It's as if I'm constantly fighting to keep them away. Whether that be a place we had dinner at, a song that reminds me of her, or whatever it might be. Simply sleeping was difficult for me the first few weeks bc I was still picturing her next to me. Even found one of her hairs on my couch the other day that set me off a bit.

 

Curious where you're exactly at these days. Any flat out bad days still? It's been how long for you of NC?

Edited March 7, 2018 by Mac0908

[Beachead]

Great post Beachead. Triggers are a very real thing for me. It's as if I'm constantly fighting to keep them away. Whether that be a place we had dinner at, a song that reminds me of her, or whatever it might be. Simply sleeping was difficult for me the first few weeks bc I was still picturing her next to me. Even found one of her hairs on my couch the other day that set me off a bit.

 

Curious where you're exactly at these days. Any flat out bad days still? It's been how long for you of NC?

 

First few months for me was relatively standstill because I was in denial. Wasn't ready to face reality. But you can only be in denial for so long before your brain starts shoving the truth in your face and forcing you to face it. That was around month 2. Over 10 weeks or so, my mind broke my hope apart and by 4 months post-breakup, my hope was 99% gone. The struggle between that period of time was real. Had to come to terms with it being over. That I had made a bad judgement call. That the big picture was, this was always about her and her ex and I never stood a chance. And then I had to pick up my broken ego/pride and get over it. That's what drove my well-being into the ground. I only healed maybe 10% in those first 4 months.

 

From month 4 to now, after the hope was gone, I'd say I healed another 70 percent. That's an exponentially huge amount of progress in 3 months. And I know it's quality progress because my average mood is relatively the same everyday. Not much fluctuating. Overall, it's the Hope that slows us down when we lose someone. We can't force it to go away. It goes away when we're ready to face what we're afraid to face. In our own time.

 

So that brings me to today. Maybe out of a month, a total of 1 or 2 days will be bad and it'll be because of her. Most of my bad days have to do with school/work and other parts of my life now. And that's better than in the beginning when I only managed 5 hours out of a month where I felt okay while the rest of the month was trash.

 

Key thing is I stayed true to myself. I knew I wasn't okay and I was cool with that. It took the pressure off. Everyone's journey will vary. There's no rush. There's no comparing. Maybe you guys might heal before me or maybe it may take longer. It happens when it happens and all depends.

 

As I said, only thing we have to worry about is not giving up on ourself. The rest will sort itself out.

 

- Beach

Edited March 7, 2018 by Beachead

[Realitysux]

I am doing alright and everything but I couldn't listen to the song perfect by ed sheeran. It was brutally painful so that is proof I am not completely healed. I have some stressful events coming up in the next few weeks so I'm trying to save my energy for these things. This past year drained a lot of my energy. I was playing music to keep me uplifted but I still have to chose my playlist wisely.

[NomiMalone]

The good moods for me have mainly come about because of milestones or positive things happening at work, which has also served as distractions from wallowing in thoughts of him.

 

Triggers have been, like TeddyPSmith mentioned, songs, especially those that reminded me of our time together, random memories, and recently for me, moving from a temporary share apartment into my own apartment. It was then that it hit me that, well, this is it, there’s no going back.

 

Right now I’m having trouble understanding why I still love and miss someone who didn’t treat me well on many occasions, and displayed many deal-breaking qualities in the 2.5 years we were together. I figured this is because the bad things didn’t really start happening until the 1 year mark, and the person I’m missing is the person he was in the early days, not the person he slowly became. All the great memories I have of our time together were from the first year. Another reason I guess is because I knew he truly loved me and was committed to me, and in his own way, made a huge effort to be a good partner to me (as I did too for him). We were a couple who spent lots of time together and very much included each other in our family, social and work lives. And all that has been hard to let go of and live without.

 

Last night, I made a list of many of the times he treated me badly, and seeing them written down gave them substance and made them more real. Another thing I’m struggling with in a huge way, is not knowing whether he cheated on me when we were together (I found something that indicated this could’ve been the case). It’s something I’ll never know, and the fact that he could’ve cheated is killing me.

 

 

Key thing is I stayed true to myself. I knew I wasn't okay and I was cool with that. It took the pressure off. Everyone's journey will vary. There's no rush. There's no comparing. Maybe you guys might heal before me or maybe it may take longer. It happens when it happens and all depends.

 

As I said, only thing we have to worry about is not giving up on ourself. The rest will sort itself out.

 

- Beach

 

Couldn’t agree more Beachead. Thing is at the moment I really don’t have it in me to do much more than get through the stuff I have on my calendar each day. I have reflected on my relationship and breakup in depth, and have come away with many lessons of awareness to do with why he and I weren’t compatible, the work I need to do on myself in addressing my weak points (in particular why I allowed myself to be treated in the way I have been).